[David Pomeranz performing "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall on the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ Rise and fall on the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
Cousin, cousin, I did it!
I did it, I did it!
I cashed my paycheck.
I withdraw all my savings, and I recycled
all our aluminum cans.
And I have enough money to buy a car.
Well, congratulations, Balki.
Well, thanks, come on, let's go buy me a car right now.
You can't just go out and buy a car.
‐‐No? ‐‐No, you gotta do
some research first.
‐‐Research? ‐‐Yes, you gotta read
Consumer Reports about the makes and models
you're interested in.
You gotta check around, shop around
to the various dealers, see what they have to offer.
No, no, cousin, no need for that.
I'm gonna go right down to Honest Achmed's
Used Car Caravan.
Honest Achmed?
Yeah.
You know, the guy on television who says he'd kiss
a camel to sell a car.
Uh, Balki, sit down.
Now, how can I say this tactfully?
I wouldn't know.
If you try to buy a car from Honest Achmed,
he'll eat you alive.
He's a cannibal?
No, no.
What I'm trying to say is that Honest Achmed isn't honest.
He isn't even Achmed.
His real name is Burt Williams, and he probably stole
that camel he kisses.
Cousin, why would he lie?
To make money.
You know, Balki, my father had a system for finding
reliable cars.
He called it the Appleton Used Car Rating System.
I think it might be just what you need.
Well, well, cousin, come on.
I'm sure your father was wise behind his ears but,
I don't think I need his system.
You know, this, this Mepio didn't just fall
off the turnip train, you know.
Well, I know you didn't.
But, suppose you buy a car without the Appleton
Used Car Rating System.
What would happen?
Well, let's look into the future.
Look, it's a dark and stormy night.
I wake up with terrible pains.
Cousin, where does it hurt?
Well, right there, right there.
Right, I think it's my appendix.
And oh, Balki, you've got to get me to the hospital.
Cousin, it's no problem.
I drive you in my new car.
Oh, good, good.
But when we get into your car, it won't start.
You've got to get me to the hospital.
Cousin, I'm trying, but my car won't start.
Help! Help!
It's two in the morning.
There's no one around.
Oops, my appendix just burst.
I'm dead.
And all because you wouldn't use
the Appleton Used Car Rating System
and bought a bad, bad car.
Oh, cousin, I don't want, I don't want
your death on my head and shoulders.
Give me the Appleton Used Car Rating System.
Only if you're sure.
Cousin, I'm sure, I'm sure.
I'm sure, what do I do?
Now, first, give me all your money.
Who are you kidding?
Give me your money.
Okay.
Now, don't worry.
I'll use the Appleton System to get you
the right car at the right price.
Thank you, cousin.
And after you pick out my car, can I get
a personalized license plate?
Oh, sure, why not?
I want one that says, "Make the world
a better place by being nice to everyone you meet."
You think that one is taken?
We'll have to check.
My second choice is, "Eat my rust."
Come on, I want you to see this.
Hey, Harri, Lydia.
Just keep up what you're doing, I want Lydia
to watch it for awhile.
Oh, so, Harriette's told you about the Appleton
Used Car Rating System.
You know, it was developed by my dad to make sure
we kids bought used cars that would run
trouble‐free for years.
This is a computer print out of every used car for sale
in the Chicagoland area.
Oh, there certainly are a lot of them.
14,227.
Before computers, used to take my dad forever to do this.
He started shopping for my first car
when I was 12 years old.
Ask him how he plans to narrow that down.
Well, using another computer program, I've eliminated
all the trucks, four‐wheel drive vehicles, RVs
and everything costing more than $2500.
But, don't‐‐
then the cars themselves are rated according
to such things as, mileage, previous service record,
coefficient of drag.
Do you feel‐‐
and then the ratings are factored
against the sale prices of the cars,
which reduces the list even further
down to the one car in Chicago most likely to give Balki
worry‐free driving well into the next century.
Were you a bedwetter?
I'm just tryin' to help the guy.
Uh‐huh, what if your computer doesn't find a car
that Balki likes?
Well, what does "like" have to do with it?
I didn't like the car my father got for me.
But it is still running.
Well, what do ya think?
You're right.
He is a sick man.
That's what I thought.
I just wanted a professional opinion.
Dad always said people wouldn't understand.
Cousin, cousin, I found it, I found it.
I found the car of my dreams, and it's right here
in our parking garage, come on!
And what is it, Balki, that makes this the car
of your dreams?
It's red.
Come on!
Cousin, you can't see it from there.
Balki, Balki, you're gonna have to have
better reasons for buying a car, other than the fact
that it's red.
Oh, I do, I do.
You do?
Yes, I do.
Well, let's list your reasons.
List them?
Well, uh, it's got those little flaps
that keep the mud from getting up on the fender.
Uh‐huh.
And, uh, it's got, it's got, the aerial goes at an angle,
so you feel like you're drivin' fast all the time.
Uh‐huh.
Oh, oh, and this is what really sold me.
It's got one of those Garfields stuck to the window.
Balki, I thought that car might catch your eye.
You saw it, too?
Yeah, saw, I ran it through the Appleton System.
How did it do?
It didn't measure up.
Cousin, you know, I...
I had a silly idea that buying a car would be fun.
Balki, buying a car is not supposed to be fun.
The fun comes years from now when you look back
and see you were a good consumer.
You weren't breastfed, were you.
Years from now, you'll thank me.
Years from now, I'll buy a red car.
Don't look, don't look.
Cousin, I can't stand it, I can't stand it!
I got you the most reliable used car in Chicago.
Okay, open your eyes.
Oh, cousin, it's beautiful.
I think so, too.
Balki, Balki.
Cousin, you are the best.
Cousin, I'm sorry I talked all those terrible things about you.
I mean, never, never in my wildest dreams.
It's a convertible!
No, no, no.
Balki, come on, no, no, no, no.
Balki, Balki.
This isn't your car.
‐ It isn't? ‐ No.
This is your car.
Oh, god.
I knew you'd like it.
And thanks to the Appleton System, this car is so reliable,
you could be driving it forever.
That long?
So, what do you say we start this baby up
and take her for a spin?
I was just as excited when I got my first car.
Come on, come on, come on.
Don't be shy.
Huh?
Listen to that engine purr.
That is the sound of the Appleton System at work.
Okay, Balki, start it up.
Okay, Balki, start the engine.
Balki, turn the key, start it up.
Balki, start her up.
Balki, turn it‐‐
What are you doing out here?
Just hangin' out.
I told you to start the car.
Yeah, well, I tried, nothing happened.
Well, I'm sure it's just a simple problem.
Well, I have a simple solution.
Why don't we take this thing back and get another one?
Possibly a red one.
Balki, we are not taking it back.
There is nothing wrong with it.
Well, there is one thing wrong with it.
It won't start.
I'm sure it's just a small adjustment.
It passed the Appleton System with flying colors.
Well, maybe the Appleton System should take a flying leap.
Cousin, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.
Balki, have a little faith.
Even as kids, some of us had our doubts about dad's system.
I can see why.
But it never, ever let us down.
Now, come on, give me a hand here.
The problem seems to be with the electrical system.
So, we have to check and see if the battery
is delivering sufficient power.
Grab a screwdriver.
All we have to do is touch these screwdrivers
to the battery terminals and see if there's any electricity.
Cousin, it seems that the battery is dead.
You know, Mr. Wizard once said that electricity won't flow
unless there is a complete circuit.
I wonder what he meant by that?
Ah!
Battery's fine.
Okay.
I think now we're getting somewhere.
Well, that's what you said when you stripped
the threads on the carburrito.
It's carburetor.
Car‐bur‐etor.
And it was an accident.
What, you never made a mistake in your life?
Not of this magnitude.
You know, Balki, I am doing all this for you.
I found the car for you.
I made the deal for you.
And I am trying to fix it for you.
You're right there, cousin.
We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.
Okay, well, tell you what,
if you don't wanna help, why don't you just go home.
Cousin, I would love to go home,
but my car don't work.
All right, look, I tell you what,
we're both very tired and we've been working
on this all weekend.
Well, I think it would be best if we just put our differences
aside and worked together.
Cousin, you're right.
You're right, and you're right.
You're right.
Okay, what can I do to help?
Well, well, to start with you could
put in the oil.
Of course, we wouldn't have to put in new oil
if you hadn't broken the oil filter
when you were trying to fix the fuel pump, huh?
Well, the fuel pump wouldn't have been broken
if you hadn't hit it with a hammer.
Huh?
Cousin, you told me to hit it with a hammer.
I said tap, tap it with a hammer.
Tap, hit, eight of one, half a dozen of another.
Just put in the oil.
Cousin, when you, when you‐‐
‐ Balki. ‐ Let me just ask you this.
Balki, just put in the oil.
‐ Put in the oil! ‐ Let me just ask you this.
Let me just ask you this question.
Put in the oil. Put in the oil.
Put in the oil, now!
Now! Now!
Okay.
Cousin, I just wanna ask you one little question.
Balki, put in the oil, now!
Cousin, was this what you‐‐
Thank you.
Well, Balki, we did it.
Yup, we took apart everything in my car
and put it back together again.
You have to do that sometimes.
The amazing thing is we don't have any parts left over.
Always a good sign.
Well, Balki, why don't we start it up
and take this baby for a spin.
Cousin, it started.
Chalk up one more for the Appleton System.
Why don't we turn it off and call it a victory?
No, no, no, no.
Put her into drive.
That would be the d?
Yes, it would.
Perfect.
Balki, you are about to drive your very own car
for the first time.
This is a moment you'll never forget.
Cousin, thank you for making it possible.
Hey, don't thank me.
Thank the Appleton Used Car Rating System.
Go ahead, Balki, step on the gas.
Cousin, in the Appleton System, exactly when do
you admit failure?
Cousin, thank you for helping me buy my first car.
Actually, it was your second.
No, I don't count the first one.
I never actually drove it, forward.
Well, I'm just glad Honest Achmed gave ya
a good deal on the trade‐in.
Yeah, $150 for a car that only drives backwards
ain't bad.
And I'm really happy with the red car I just bought.
Balki, I owe you an apology.
I thought the Appleton System was foolproof
and that's why I couldn't admit that...
Your car was a lemon.
No, cousin, it was a sedan.
And it was just about the ugliest one I've ever seen
in my life,
except for that picture you showed me
of your first car.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
My dad picked that car out.
That car was reliable.
Car was fuel efficient.
Car was ugly.
Oh, boy.
You know something, I hated that, I hated that car.
But I could never tell my dad.
Cousin, you know what I think?
First thing in the morning, you should call up
your papa and get that piece of your mind off your chest.
You're right, I will, I will.
And Balki, tomorrow, when we go into work,
we don't know anything about that hole in the wall.