[David Pomeranz performing "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's going to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Hi, baby. Have you seen Lydia?
Yeah, she just wandered into the archives.
I hate to see her wandering around
in the condition she's in.
Yeah, I heard.
Frank dumped her?
Frank? That was last week.
Norman dumped her this morning.
Boy, she has more trouble picking men than George Bush.
(Larry) Uh, Lydia.
I heard about Frank..
...and Norman.
I know it's been a rough week for you. Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine!
I don't know why everybody's so upset about this.
Men are like buses
if you miss one there'll be another one around in a minute.
Three, two, one.
[crying]
I've been through this with her before.
Cousin, I did it!
I figured out a way to make Miss Lydia feel better.
Did you get her flowers?
That's cute.
Cousin, flowers are nice but..
...they don't keep you warm at night.
I got her a man.
Whoa, wait a minute! Wait a minute! No, no.
No, n‐no, n‐no, no, no, no, no, no.
Balki, finding Lydia a man is none of your business.
Well, technically, that's true.
Matchmaking is actually my mama's business.
But, I used to do her books.
‐ Your mama was a matchmaker? ‐ Still is.
For six generations Mypos has depended
on the Bartokomous family for matchmaking.
In fact, our house was fondly referred
to as the love connection.
W‐well, who is this guy?
It's not somebody you just met on the street, is it?
Well, of course not! Don't be ridiculous!
I met him across the street in the diner.
His name is Jack Colby and he's coming over later this afternoon
just to meet, just to talk, just to have a look‐see.
Thanks, Harriette, I'm alright now.
Bye, boys! Have a nice weekend!
Wait a minute! Lydia! Lydia, you can't leave now!
I have found the perfect man for you.
Eh, his, his name is Jack and, uh, he's tall
he's good‐looking, and get this
he don't spit when he talks.
Lydia, I'm afraid Balki has been playing matchmaker for you
I tried to tell him it was a mistake.
Oh, Balki.
Well, I appreciate what you're doing but, you know
I've been thinking, I'm doing okay.
I've got friends, a nationally syndicated column
I have a little money...okay, I've got a ton of money.
The last thing I need in my life is a man.
‐ Balki! ‐ Jack!
Hi, how are you?
‐ Good, good. ‐ Good.
Now, now, Jack, uh, this is the Lydia that I told you about.
And Lydia, this is the Jack that I told you about.
You're Lydia?
You're not at all what I expected.
You see, I read your column every single day and
and the advice you give your readers is so wise
so obviously born from experience..
...that I didn't expect someone quite so young.
You didn't?
Listen, Jack, I'm sorry if Balki's caused you
any inconvenience, but Lydia's decided‐‐
Shut up, Larry.
So, you read my column?
Yes, everyday.
Now I hope this doesn't sound forward but..
...would you have dinner with me later?
Oh, well, well, why wait?
I haven't eaten anything all day
due to a minor trauma in my life.
I'm starved!
Bye, boys!
Now, uh, Jack I want to know everything about you..
[sighing]
Well, another Bartokomous match.
Over three thousand served.
This may be worth a photograph in mama's brochure.
That was amazing.
Balki, you are quite a matchmaker.
So tell me something I don't know.
Was that Jack Colby with Lydia in the parking lot?
Mr. Gorpley, you know Mr. Colby?
Only by reputation.
What is his reputation?
Well, the guy dresses for success
but he's never worked a day in his life.
He charms women into giving him cash, clothes and cars
and then he kisses them goodbye.
He's been married four times and he's got two
count 'em, two ex‐wives paying him alimony.
The man's a gigolo!
Yeah. He's my hero.
Oh, cousin, I've dropped Miss Lydia
in some deep babasticki.
Still no answer?
No, cousin, I can't believe
Miss Lydia's been gone all weekend!
This is all my fault.
I never should have practiced matchmaking
with only a learner's permit.
Cousin, what if Jack has already tricked her
and‐and broken her heart?
What if he's already tricked her and taken all her money?
Alright, Balki. Balki, stop it. Stop it!
That's enough. Now, relax. Deep breaths!
Alright, Balki.
Listen, listen.
Lydia's not stupid.
I bet she went out with this guy and realized
right away he was only after her money.
She'll probably come through that door
a sadder but wiser woman.
♪ Day‐O ♪
♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home ♪
Miss Lydia, we've been calling you all weekend.
Where have you been?
Jamaica.
[giggling] With Jack.
Jamaica?
Well, I thought you were just going out to dinner.
Well, we were, but after we left here Friday
we realized we were muy simpatico.
Oh, Balki, I just don't know how to thank you.
Well, you may wanna hold off on that.
Uh, Lydia, listen.
I know this is gonna hurt, but there are a few things
you should know about Jack. Number one‐‐
‐ He's been married four times. ‐ You know about that?
Oh, of course I do! He told me everything
He did?
Did he tell you that two of his ex‐wives are paying him abalony?
That is alimony.
And he feels terrible about it.
Um, Miss Lydia, now, now, uh
as your friends we just want to
encourage you to find out
what kind of person Jack is
before you get too serious about him.
We are way beyond serious.
We're getting married Saturday!
Married?
Saturday?
Oh, I knew you'd be thrilled.
We're having an engagement party tonight. Eight o'clock.
Don't be late.
Oh, Balki, thanks again!
I never would have met Jack without you!
Oh, God!
♪ Come Mister Tally Man tally me banana ♪
Cousin, I have ruined Miss Lydia's life.
Jack is going to take her money and break her heart
and it's all my fault.
According to the..
...matchmaker's code I must
now forever deny myself smoked meat.
Well, wait a minute, Balki.
Don't do anything drastic.
‐ We'll think of something. ‐ What, cousin?
‐ She won't listen to reason. ‐ I know.
So we'll have to show her that
Jack will go after any woman with money.
[piano music]
Cousin, aren't you coming?
[piano music]
Cousin, usually your plans are a bust but..
...tonight your bust is the plan.
Where do I come up with them?
This wasn't my plan.
My plan was for you to be the woman.
Well, cousin, we have to convince Lydia
that Jack is only after her money, not her body.
And I think we both agreed that
I looked a little bit too much like Sophia Loren.
Come on, let's go.
I told you to wear flats.
Flats with a dress like this?
I don't think so.
Now, come on. Dance me over to Jack.
Is that when you're gonna put the moves on him?
No, I'm not gonna put the moves on him.
I‐I'm just going to drop subtle hints
about how incredibly rich and lonely I am.
Now, come on, let's dance.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm the man. Shouldn't I ask you to dance?
Fine.
May I have this dance?
Charmed, I'm sure.
Oh, hi, Balki.
Who's your date?
This is Cousin Larry's aunt.
Cousin Larry isn't feeling well
and Cousin Larry's aunt was visiting
so I asked Cousin Larry's aunt to come.
I'm Lydia Markham and this is my fiance, Jack Colby.
Desiree Appleton.
‐ How do you do? ‐ How do you do?
‐ So nice to meet you. ‐ Nice to meet you.
You can call her Desi.
So, Desi, what brings you to Chicago?
Oh, well, I'm taking a trip around the world
to inspect my late husband's hotels and casinos.
Aunt Desi's late and very dead husband..
...was also a very successful shipping maggot.
‐ Excuse me? ‐ Magnate.
Shipping magnate. Magnate!
Fascinating.
Uh, sweetheart, we mustn't ignore
our other guests, so excuse me.
Well, certainly.
‐ Bye‐bye Lydia. ‐ Bye.
Cousin, you're dyin' over here.
I think you got to dump the Bea Arthur look
and...maybe show a little thigh.
Forget it.
I only shaved to the knee.
Nice party, huh?
Yes, it's delightful.
Larry?
‐ Harriette, I can explain this. ‐ Hey!
I don't know what you're doin' and I don't wanna know.
Cousin, this chocolate mouse is to die for!
‐ You've got to try it! ‐ No, I can't, Balki.
Not if I want to stay a size ten.
Well, hello again.
Oh, Jack! Oh, look, it's Jack.
So, uh, Desiree, how long are you in town for?
‐ A week. ‐ A month.
A week and a month.
Five weeks altogether.
Then I'm off to the far east. China, Japan, Tibet..
Oh, Aunt Desi loves to bet.
She must go to Vegas five, six times a year.
In fact, she loves Vegas so much
she's thinking of buying it!
Balki.
But, before she does that
she's got to think about selling Atlantic City.
You know there was this one time where we were talking about..
Would you get me a glass of water?
Well, sure, you can have mine, I haven't touched it.
Where was I?
Oh, there was an interesting moment once when she..
Would you get me a glass of water..
...from a well?
Oh! Right, right.
Aunt Desi loves her well water
and well she should.
Where does he come up with them?
Hors d'ouvres?
Well, yes, of course. Thank you.
You'll‐you'll have to forgive Balki.
Well, he's a, he's a dear really but, uh..
...he's a little awkward around me.
Probably because I'm so unbelievably wealthy.
Well, you're very fortunate that
your husband left you so well taken care of.
I suppose so.
But I think Lydia's the fortunate one...she has you.
Well, thank you.
Well, I didn't mean to embarrass you.
It's just that, you know, I've always thought if I..
...if I found the right person my life would be perfect.
Someone to whisper sweet nothings in my ear
to exchange a knowing glance with.
Someone to walk hand in hand through the..
...many shopping centers and retail outlets I own.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Excuse me.
What's a woman gotta do?
‐ Desiree! ‐ Oh! Oh, Jack!
Desiree, I can't stand it any longer! I can't resist you!
Oh, Jack, what on earth are you talking about?
I'm talking about us!
When you walked through that door I felt something.
And just hearing you talk about whispering sweet nothings
knowing glances and taking long walks
I realized that you were whispering to me
and glancing at me, and walking with me.
Sweetheart.
‐ Oh, Jack. ‐ Yes.
You can't imagine how much I was hoping you'd say that.
Sweetheart, let's run away tonight and get married.
No! No! No, no.
‐ Well, what about Lydia? ‐ Who?
Lydia.
Oh, her. Forget her.
She's a child. You're a woman!
No! No! No, no.
First, you have to tell Lydia.
We can't begin our life together until
I'm sure it's over between you two.
‐ I'll phone her from Vegas. ‐ No! No, no.
You have to tell her now!
Of course.
[sighing] Ho.
(Balki) Cousin?
It's working!
Cousin, that's great!
Jack took the bait.
Oh! Now reel him in and hit him with an oar!
That's how we fish on Mypos.
Oh, Jack! There you are.
Um, attention, everyone!
Jack and I have an announcement to make.
Tell them, Jack.
Jack...be gentle.
I will.
Lydia, you're history.
I'm marrying somebody else.
What is this?
Dump Lydia Month?
Yes, I thought that I loved you
but then I met Desiree and I discovered what real love is.
Desiree?
This Desiree?
Hey, stuff happens!
You're leaving me for a woman you just met?
No, Miss Lydia.
He's leaving you for a man he just met!
No problem.
We'll find the best psychiatrist that money can buy.
‐ I have no money. ‐ No money?
Lydia, the wedding's back on!
Let's make our announcement.
Just one minute, you Jell‐O mold.
Gigolo.
You Goldfinger!
Gold digger.
You old‐timer!
Two‐timer.
You wanna do this?
No, no, no, you go ahead. You're doing fine. Go ahead
Just who do you think you are?
Some kind of Don Juan Johnson?
Well, I have a hot flash dance for you.
Miss Lydia's been dumped by better men than you..
...and that was just this week!
She is a wonderful person and a snappy little dresser..
...and you are not worthy to spit on the ground she walks on.
So hit the road, Jack!
And I mean maybe!
Do you want me to go?
Not just yet.
Now you can go.
[people cheering]
Miss Lydia, are you alright?
Oh, I'm fine.
No big deal.
Men are like freeway exits.
If you miss one, there's another one down the road.
Oh, please, everyone! Don't let this spoil the party!
Eat! Drink! Be merry!
Three, two, one.
[crying]
What a night!
Boy, I'll say.
Cousin, Miss Lydia's lucky to have a friend like you.
By the end of the evening, you had her
laughing out of the palm of your hand.
Well, I hope you learned your lesson!
Why, cousin, I did!
Oh, I did!
Thank you, cousin.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Hi, Larry, I was just wondering
if you wanted to go get some coffee.
I‐I should have called first.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]