[David Pomeranz performing "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's going to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Balki?
Hi, cousin.
Are you just getting home?
Well, yes..
Buh‐bye.
'Balki?'
Were you working all night?
Well. No.
We were...playing poker.
Buh‐bye.
W‐w‐wait a minute, wait a minute. Woah, woah, woah.
You were playing poker?
[inhaling]
[laughing] Yeah.
Funny, funny thing. Um..
I wasn't really even supposed to play, but..
...but one of the regular players in‐in Mr. Gorpley's game
was sick and‐and Mr. Gorpley graciously allowed me to sit in.
How much money did you lose?
[sobbing] Oh, cousin..
What?
[indistinct]
What?
Oh, cousin, I lost $100.
You lost $100!
Cousin, don't yell at me, I'm feeling...quite vulnerable.
I..
I lost $100.
Balki! Do‐bu‐it's alright.
‐ I'm not mad at you. ‐ You yelled at me.
I am mad at Mr. Gorpley!
I can't can't believe he took advantage of you.
Well, cousin, don't get mad at Mr. Gorpley.
It wasn't his fault. He‐he was trying to help me.
He sat down right next to me so he could help me
by looking at my cards.
Looking at your cards is against the rules.
‐ It is? ‐ Yes, it is.
Well, I'll be snookered.
I...I‐I was wondering
why he wouldn't let me look at his cards.
You think that's why I lost each and every hand?
Yes, yes I think so.
Cousin, you think if I go to Mr. Gorpley
and ask him real nice..
...he'd give me my money back?
[scoffing] Balki, you're dreaming
I am?
Well, you mean I didn't play poker all night
and I didn't lose $100?
Cousin..
...it seemed so real.
Balki, it is real.
What I mean is that Gorpley is a serious card player.
The only way to get your money back
is to beat him at his own game.
Well, cousin, I'd...I'd love to get my money back.
In fact, losing the $100
was the only part of the game I‐I didn't enjoy.
Other than that it was really a great way
to experience male bondage.
Bonding.
Male bonding.
Bonding.
[instrumental music]
Balki?
Would you come out here please?
Did I catch you at a bad time?
No.
I was just wondering why you're wearing
your bullet hat.
Oh! Uh..
I figured out a way to make back that $100 that I lost.
I'm going to hire myself out on weekends
as a human cannonball.
Balki, forget about that.
It won't be necessary.
I told Gorpley we'd play in his poker game tomorrow night.
I'm going to win your money back.
Really, cousin?
But‐but you got to be careful.
Mr. Gorpley is quite the aardvark.
Perhaps you mean..
...card shark?
But, Balki, I happen to be..
...a great poker player.
In the poker world, I was known as Smooth Larry Appleton.
Well, in the goat‐milking world
I was known as Cool Hand Balki.
Are you going to pay attention now?
Yes, I‐I am. I am going to...focus.
First thing I have to do is teach you how to play poker.
I've written down a few simple rules
so you'll know how to play your cards.
As you can see, two pair beat one pair..
...three of a kind beat two pair, a full house
which is three of a kind and a pair beat three of a kind
and four of a kind beat a full house.
Any questions?
Wow!
You‐you make it all seem so complicated.
All Mr. Gorpley did was..
...deal me five cards and we both look at them and..
...he take my money.
Well, this is gonna be different. Sit down, Balki.
This time..
...we are going to take Gorpley's money.
Now..
It is very important..
...that nobody know..
...what the cards in your hand are.
Alright?
Watch me first.
I'm picking up my cards.
They may be good.
They may be bad.
I am looking at my cards.
What do you see on my face?
There's a tiny little bit of ketchup right there.
‐ And also a‐‐ ‐ Alright, that's enough.
That's enough.
What I mean is..
...your face should not reveal
anything about the cards in your hand.
That is called having a poker face. A poker face.
Oh, well, that's a relief!
I thought it meant being hit in the face with a poker.
[no audio]
Do you want me to win your money back?
‐ Yes, I do. Yes I do. ‐ Do you? Oh, you do?
‐ Alright, then. Pay attention! ‐ Okay! Okay.
Alright.
Look at your cards. Remember!
Your face should not reveal anything
about the cards in your hand.
[gasping]
Good hand?
How did you know?
Balki...I don't want to take up
your whole night teaching you how to play poker.
No, cousin, I want to know how to play poker!
‐ Please, cousin! ‐ Alright, alright, alright!
I'll teach you later, but first..
...we are going to go over the plan.
‐ There's a plan? ‐ Yes!
‐ Oh, golly! ‐ Oh..
There...there goes all the fun.
Balki, tomorrow night we play Gorpley.
First, we're going to lose a few hands on purpose
so he'll think I'm a beginner too.
Then I'll suggest that we pool our money
and I play for both of us.
When he agrees to that, just leave everything to me.
And I'll win your money back.
Thank you, cousin.
But are you sure you can beat Mr. Gorpley?
Balki..
You are talking to Smooth Larry Appleton.
I can beat anybody!
There is magic in these hands.
[instrumental music]
Here's your two.
Dealer takes three.
I'd say these were worth five bucks.
Andre?
‐ Walt? ‐ I'm out.
Up to you, Bartokomous.
Are ya in?
Woah.
Woah!
‐ Am I in? ‐ Balki.
I got nothing.
How 'bout you, Appleton?
Oh...alright, I'm in.
Read 'em and weep.
Pair of threes.
Woah.
Tough hand.
Pair of sixes.
Pair of sixes?
[laughing]
Well, of all the luck.
Cousin, you and me must be the two
worst poker players in the whole world!
In fact..
...I doubt if in the whole history of card playing
there has ever been two more rank‐smelling amateurs.
‐ Oh, say. I have an idea. ‐ You do?
Why, yes I do.
Well, I didn't plan on this but..
...what if Balki and I pool our money
so that just one of us plays?
And then if we raise the stakes
we might have a better chance of winning our money back.
Cousin, that's a great plan!
Even though it's not a plan
but something you just now thought of..
You want to raise the stakes?
[laughing]
Only if it's okay with you.
Hey, Sam, these guys are just beginners.
Come on, it doesn't seem fair.
You want fair? Go coach Little League.
Okay.
No limit.
Which one of you is gonna play?
‐ Well, see, uh, if.. ‐ Well, you know, I‐I..
[indistinct chatter]
(both) What was the question?
Which one of you is going to play?
‐ Oh! I will. ‐ Oh, he will.
We've decided that, Cousin Larry is going to play
even thought that wasn't the plan, but
something we just now thought of.
Now, what do you say, we play some real poker?
[instrumental music]
Okay, I'll see your five.
And raise you 20.
Andre?
Walt?
Hah.
‐ Fold, cousin. ‐ Balki.
Fold! Spindle! Mutilate!
Just don't lose anymore of our money!
I am trying to play poker.
I'll see your 20..
...and raise you another 20.
[exhaling] Okay.
I call. What do you got?
Three jacks. Beat 'em.
Okay, three kings.
Cousin, I got to talk to you privately, excuse us!
I'll be back.
Cousin, remember that plan
where smooth Larry Appleton was supposed to win back
my $100?
Well, I can't help but notice that‐that we are
that we are down to our last $20.
Now, when does the smooth plan kick in?
Everything's working perfectly.
Gorpley thinks he's winning.
Well, what a coincidence, I think he's winning too.
I am in total control of this situation.
Now gimme the rest of your money.
I don't think so.
I keep giving you money, and you keep giving it to Mr. Gorpley.
I could do that!
Balki, your money is safe with me, now hand it over.
Cousin..
...this is my last $20.
It's my mad money.
If you lose it, I'm gonna be real mad.
Thanks. Trust me.
Okay.
I'm in.
Guys, guys, guys.
Why don't you just give me your last 20 bucks and go home?
You can't beat me.
I've been playing poker since I was in high school.
They used to call me, Slick Sam Gorpley.
Cousin, let's get out of here, he's got a better nickname.
Balki.
‐ I can take him. ‐ Okay.
‐ I can do it! ‐ Okay.
Why don't you go see a movie?
I'd love to, but you have all my money.
Gimme another $20 in chips.
[scoffing]
Larry, I was afraid I'd find you here.
Jennifer.
Wow, who's the blonde?
Appleton's girlfriend.
Why I'll never know.
Larry, could I talk to you for a minute please?
Not now. It's my deal.
‐ Balki, we have to talk. ‐ Yeah, okay.
Balki, we have to get Larry out of here.
Well, tell me something I don't know.
How is he doing?
Well, he says he's doing great
but Mr. Gorpley has all of our money.
If we don't get Larry out of here right now
he'll start writing IOU's.
He'll bet his car, he'll bet everything he owns!
I'll raise you $20.
But, how can that be?
He's supposed to be Smooth Larry Appleton.
He was Smooth Larry Appleton years ago.
But that's before he got the fever.
'It got so bad, he finally vowed to quit'
and never pick up the cards again.
I told him not to take this chance, but, Balki
he said he had to do it for you.
But, but, but..
...do you think he has any control left?
Alright, here's your 20.
And I'll throw in the blonde.
Apparently not.
Come on, Jennifer, we've got to get him out of here.
‐ Cousin, come on. we're gett‐ ‐ Balki.
I'm not going anywhere.
Larry, please, you know you've got the fever, you can't win!
Cousin, I'm sorry, but this is for your own good.
‐ Now, come on! ‐ No! No! No!
No! No! No!
Mr. Gorpley, tell him that the game is over.
Please, you have to let us take him home. He's lost control.
He's got $20 on the table.
Yeah, and not to mention the blonde.
I'm not on the table!
Oh, then I'm out.
‐ And, Balki. ‐ What?
‐ Put me down! ‐ No! Cou‐‐
‐ Put me down! ‐ No!
Put me down! Put me down! Put me down now!
Alright, if you think it'll help.
You're short, you dress funny and you walk like a duck!
Oh...oh..
No, no, no.
‐ Set me down. ‐ Okay.
Pair of eights.
Pair of jacks. You lose again, Appleton.
[laughing]
Alright, Gorpley, what do ya say?
One more hand for the whole ball of wax.
No, cousin! You can't bet my ball of wax!
I've been collecting it for years!
Okay. I'll play one more hand with you.
But what are you gonna bet with?
I'll bet..
...next week's paycheck..
...against everything we lost tonight..
...plus the hundred Balki lost.
Ooh, you are a serious card player.
Cousin, cousin, it's your paycheck!
Don't worry, Balki.
I'm not gonna lose.
I'll take three.
And I'll take...one.
I'll tell you what?
Let's, uh...sweeten the pot.
I'll raise you..
...my car.
‐ No, cousin, don't do that! ‐ Balki.
Cousin, you don't have a pair of anything!
Balki!
Gee, I got a feeling you're bluffing.
[laughing]
You wanna bet cars?
I call.
What you got?
Full house!
Kings and Aces.
[laughing]
Uh, you can just leave your car here and take the bus home.
It'll be a nice lesson in humility.
Oh, not so quick, slick.
When I sat down you thought you had a pigeon
you could take to the cleaners.
Cousin, cut through the metaphors!
I don't know what you're talking about and I'm dying to know
if we've won or lost!
He thought I didn't know how to play
and that he could take everything I had
Oh.
Then when you overheard Jennifer say that I was out of control..
...you thought it was Christmas.
‐ Cousin‐‐ ‐ He thought he could our money.
Well, it was all a trap and you walked right into it.
The blonde was in on it?
I have a name.
You have a phone number?
Walt, shut up.
Balki's right, I don't have a pair of anything.
I got a straight flush.
You lose, Gorpley.
Oh!
I can't believe I lost my car.
Well..
...I don't want your car.
I just came to win back what...Balki lost.
Nice gesture, cousin..
...but those are your car keys.
[instrumental music]
(Balki) 'Cousin?'
You mean to tell me that Jennifer..
...knew that you were pretending to be out of control
the whole time?
Yes, she did.
Cousin, why you didn't tell me what you were going to do?
I was really worried, I spent the whole evening
on an emotional roller derby.
I'm sorry, Balki, but‐but I had no choice.
I knew you couldn't keep my secret.
You're just not a devious person.
Well, I'm sorry, we all have our shortcomings.
No, no, Balki. That‐that's a good thing in life.
Oh, uh..
Here's your $100.
Thanks, cousin.
Thank you, for wining my money back.
I think you would have done the same for me.
You know I would.
You know, cousin, this has been quite a week.
Mr. Gorpley fooled me.
You fooled me.
Jennifer fooled me.
I'm beginning to think..
...I'm...easily fooled.
You? You? No! N‐no, Balki.
You are not easily fooled.
Really?
Well, thank you, that's a load off my mind.
Oh...what's that?
[instrumental music]
What's what?
What's that?
What's what?
What‐what's that? What?
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[theme music]