[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothings gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ My dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
(Larry) ’Now, don’t worry.’
’Everything is gonna be alright.’
No, I, I promise.
Now, I’ll call you back in a couple of days. Bye‐bye.
Cousin Larry...
...you and your date Jennifer Lyons
will be the hit of the airline tennis tournament.
Why?
Because, surprise.
I’ve decorated your tennis racket!
Thanks, Balki.
Well, you don’t seem too jazzed.
Did I go over the top with the kri‐kri tassels?
No, no. I, uh, I love the kri‐kri tassels
but I just got a call from my sister Elaine.
She got a scholarship to go to the Juilliard’s School Of Music.
‐That’s wonderful. ‐Not quite.
She only got a partial scholarship.
What does that mean, she can only go to part of the school?
No.
No, it means they’ll only give her
part of the money for tuition.
And she won’t be able to go to the school at all
if she doesn’t come up with other $3875.
Does Cousin Elaine have that kind of money?
Of course not. That’s why she called me.
Oh.
Do you have that kind of money?
Of course not.
But I promised her I’d come up with the money
and I’m not gonna let her down.
I just have to think of a way to raise it.
Cousin, cousin, you know, on Mypos, on Mypos
a surefire way to raise money
has always been the goat spleen and pig snout breakfast.
All you can eat for 50,000 digdas.
Limit, ten per family.
Let me give that some thought.
[instrumental music]
(Larry) ’Aah! Aah!’
(Lydia) ’Balki, what happened?’
After we left the bank
we had a car accident.
We stopped at the red light
but the car behind us didn’t
and we got rear‐ended right in our rear ends.
[grunting]
Now, cousin, I can fix this.
I used to take care of sheep with lower back spasms.
‐Take the head, please. ‐Aah. Balki, please.
[Larry screaming]
Balki, please.
[screaming]
Balki, ple...
Balki...
Please...don’t help me.
Please, don’t help me.
Excuse me.
[panting]
Appleton, Bartokomous has to sort the mail.
If you want to rest
sleep on your own desk.
He is not resting. He’s in pain.
[panting]
The boys were just in a car accident.
Larry hurt his back.
Yeah, and I hurt my little finger right there.
Pretend you’ve got a heart, Sam.
Oh, that’s terrible.
[scoffs]
Get off the table. We’ve got mail to deliver.
I’ll be off in a minute. I’ll be fine.
‐Cousin, let me help you. ‐No, no. No!
Please, don’t help me.
That would be my hurt finger.
I know.
[grunts]
‐Larry. ‐Ow!
I have seen some backs go out in my time.
In fact, uh...I’ve put a few backs out in my time.
[laughing]
So take my advice, go to the hospital
and have your back looked at.
Uh, it’s nothing. I throw my back out all the time.
Help me sit‐up.
[grunting]
Oh, much better.
Look, I appreciate your concern
but I know how to handle this.
A little ice, a heating pad.
I’m sure it’ll snap right back into place.
I have got a heating pad in my desk drawer.
I won’t be needing it till the, uh, 26th.
Uh, cousin, I’ll go get the ice.
Do you prefer the wet or the dry?
‐Wet. ‐Excellent choice.
Smokeless and it don’t stick to your skin.
[sighs]
Ah! Ah!
Ow!
Oh!
[grunting]
Oh!
Aah! Oh!
Ow! Ow!
[bones cracking]
Ah! Much better.
Ooh!
[exhales sharply]
So...you got a lawyer yet?
What?
Got a lawyer yet?
Appleton, you were rear‐ended.
You could claim whiplash and sue the pants off the guy.
Oh, but my back popped into place. I’m fine.
So?
So I don’t believe in making somebody pay
for an injury I don’t have.
[scoffs]
Appleton, the guy wouldn’t pay a thing.
His insurance company would.
Hey, it’s no big deal to them.
I mean, we’re only talking about four or five thousand.
Four or five thousand dollars?
Yeah, but, hey...
...maybe you have no use for that kind of money.
[scoffs]
Four or five thousand dollars?
[instrumental music]
Dr. Volvo said that the best thing
for Cousin Larry to do is nothing.
And I’m here to make sure he do it.
Well, he’s been a prince through all this.
Now, cousin, shh! Shh! Shh!
But the toughest part is the mental anguish.
You done?
I mean, uh...
...when you’re used to being a‐an active
vital, independent member of society.
It’s tough to sit back and...
...not be able to do things for yourself.
Even the simplest things, uh...
‐Picking up a magazine. ‐One moment.
Tying my shoes, turning on the TV.
They’re impossible.
And, uh, of, of course the...
...pain is unbearable at times.
But really, it’s, it’s the helplessness.
The complete dependence on someone else
that, I think, is the...
...the, the toughest pill to swallow.
It must be pure hell.
Oh, girls, he’s, he’s, he’s exhausted.
I’m afraid visiting hours are over.
Oh, uh, well, we’ll, we’ll come back tomorrow, Larry and...
Now, don’t worry about the tennis tournament.
We can play in the next one.
Oh, Jennifer, that’s too bad.
You bought that cute little outfit, too.
‐Well, don’t cancel yet. ‐Shh! Shh! Shh!
I mean, miracles can happen.
Uh...feel better, Larry.
‐’Bye.’ ‐Bye‐bye.
‐Feel better. ‐’I guess.’
No way am I missing that tennis tournament.
Cousin Larry, you get those thoughts of tennis
right out of your curly little mind.
We have a lot of rehab ahead of us
before you even think about
mixing any doubles with Jennifer.
Oh, you’re probably right, Balki
but i‐it gives me a goal
something to strive for.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Now, listen, I’m going to go to the market
to pick up some high fiber items.
You just sit there and leave the striving to us.
Where do I come up with them?
I don’t know.
[laughing]
And...it is triple set point...
...for the mixed doubles championship.
Appleton begins his picture‐perfect serve...
[smacks lips]
...deep into the corner, but it’s returned.
Jennifer’s cute little outfit billows in the breeze...
...as she watches Appleton
send a screaming passing shot down the line.
[smacks lips] Oh, no! Top spin lob.
Appleton back pedals
sets and smashes an overhead...
[pop] ...onto the chalk!
For the winner. Game! Set! Match!
Listen to that crowd!
Ow!
Ow, oh!
Balki, did you see that?
I sure did.
It was a miracle.
For, for a moment, I was completely healed.
Completely, but alas, that moment is gone.
Alas.
I thought you were going to the store?
‐I forgot my car keys. ‐Oh, lucky for me.
[chuckling]
Could you just, just, just
help me over to the couch here?
[grunting]
(Larry) Alright. You’re right.
I’ve got to start doing these things for myself.
I got it.
[grunting]
You’re not buying this anymore, are you?
I’m not even renting it.
Okay. Okay.
I can see how from your point of view
it looks kinda bad.
"Kinda bad?"
You have got to understand that
I am only doing this for Elaine.
You’re only doing this for Elaine?
Cousin, you’re up to your belly button in babasticki.
No, no!
I really am doing this for Elaine.
See, the guy who hit me has insurance
and I can get money from his insurance company
for my back injury.
You mean, your back injury that you don’t have.
Yes. That’s the one.
And then I am going to take that money
and give it to Elaine for Juilliard.
And nothing you can do or say will make me change my mind.
Oh, really?
Well, how about, liar, liar, pants on fire?
Nope.
Well, then, let me tell you this, Mr. Hot Pants.
It ain’t over until Roseanne Barr sings.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Come in.
Mr. Appleton...
...I’m Joseph Garber from the insurance company.
Oh, please, uh, sit down.
A wheelchair.
Nice touch.
I’ve been going over your accident report.
[sighs]
Bamba stiki ekta kiki iki eke bakoom. Oh, baby.
Eeni pini epapepopokono hodgi bodgi bam boom. Yo, mama.
Bamba stiki ekta kiki iki eke bakoom.
Oh, baby. Eeni pini epapepopokono.
Hodgi bodgi bam boom.
Yo, mama.
’Bamba stiki ekta kiki iki eke bakoom.’
‐’Oh, baby...’ ‐Excuse me.
(Balki) ’Hodgi bodgi bam boom.’
’A little softer, now.’
What are you doing?
I’m preparing to chant
the epapepopokono hodgi bodgi bam boom.
The Myposan Litany of Truth.
Do you have to do that now?
Yes, I do, cousin.
While there might still be
a small glimmer of honesty left in you.
And if there is that glimmer...
...that small ember
the epapepopokono hodgi bodgi bam boom...
...will fan it into a flame.
Okay, fine, but chant quietly.
I’m negotiating here.
Bamba stiki ekta kiki iki eke bakoom. Oh, baby.
Eeni pini epapepopokono hodgi bodgi bam boom.
A little softer now.
’Briber briber steka deta tiber’
’iki eke bakoom. Oh, baby.’
Eeni pini epapepopokono hodgi bodgi bam boom.
From the top now!
The things some people will do for rain.
[laughing]
Now, uh, where were we?
Based on the accident report
and your medical file, we’re prepared to offer you
a very handsome settlement of $2000
for your pain and suffering.
Two thousand dollars?
But th‐that barely covers my pain
let alone my suffering.
I was thinking more along the lines of say...
...three thousand eight hundred and seventy‐five dollars.
Well...you drive a hard bargain, Mr. Appleton
but you’ve got yourself a deal.
I’ll get the paper work ready.
[Balki chanting]
Elefday, ho hoo ho ho hoo ho.
Elefday, ha hoo ho ha ha hoo ow.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
It’s over.
You can knock off The Litany of Truth.
I already did, cousin.
The Litany of Truth failed as we have seen.
Now, I’m chanting
The elefday, ho hoo ho ho hoo ho.
The Myposian Litany of Hope, for Elaine.
I only hope you have not doomed her to the same fate
as that great Myposian accordion player
Oompo Mousikako.
"Oompo Mousikako?"
I never heard of him.
So few people have.
And do you know why?
Because he, too...
...began a very promising career in music with...
...tainted money.
Tragic.
You’ll have to tell me about it later.
I think I’ll tell you about it now.
Now would be good.
You see, cousin...
...when Oompo was very young
his brother, Bimbo...
...gave him some money to buy his very first accordion...
...and for years, Oompo made the most beautiful music
in all of Mypos.
In fact, it was said of him
he could make the sheep dance.
What am I saying, make the sheep dance?
He could make the sheep dip.
And then one day, Oompo discovered
that the money his brother Bimbo had given him was stolen.
He began to play badly
which, on an accordion, can be fairly irritating.
His brother Bimbo’s dishonesty robbed him...
...of the most beautiful joy in his life, his music.
And I only hope you have not doomed
Cousin Elaine to the same fate.
Mr. Appleton, I think I’ve got everything in order.
Cousin, I think Mr. Garber want to see you.
Listen...
...we both know that this is a dishonest thing...
...and we also both know that deep down inside
you are an honest man ...and not a Bimbo.
If you’ll just sign this here...
...my company will send you a check for $3875.
[exhales sharply]
Something wrong?
Y‐yes, I‐I‐I...just remembered
that I suffered a similar injury
when I was in Little League...
...and if there’s the slightest chance
that this is just a recurrence of that injury
uh, well, I, I...
Uh, let’s just say that my conscience
won’t allow me to take your company’s money.
[laughing]
You’re joking, right?
I beg to take issue.
Cousin Larry don’t joke
when it comes to matters of conscience.
Well, great.
Uh...in that case
if you’ll just sign this release form here...
...I’ll be on my way.
[chuckles]
The guys down at the office aren’t gonna believe this.
Cousin, you did it. You did it.
I’m proud of you.
Thanks, Balki.
[inhales deeply]
But I wouldn’t have had to do the right thing if I...
...hadn’t been doing the wrong thing
for the past five days.
Oh, well, cousin...
...you know, it, it usually takes a while
for your conscience to kick in.
For you, five days is pretty good.
I suppose it is.
Well, I wasted the last five days
when I should’ve been thinking
of a way to raise money for Elaine’s tuition.
Well...maybe we could sell something.
I know. I’ll sell my car.
Balki, you paid $600 for that car.
I don’t think we could get 3875.
Even if we threw in the fuzzy dice.
Which we wouldn’t. We wouldn’t.
Well, she’s my sister.
There’s only one thing to do.
[inhales deeply]
I’ll sell my car.
Oh, cousin.
I think your sister is very lucky
to have you for a brother.
Thanks, Balki.
Come on. Let’s go hit the used car lots.
Uh, Balki...
...you’re not going out like that, are you?
Well, of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.
I’d look silly like this.
Come on, cousin, let’s go make a deal.
[theme music]
[music continues]