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[theme music]

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♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

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♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

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♪ Sometimes you
just get a feeling ♪

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♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

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♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

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♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪

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♪ This flame in my heart ♪

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♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

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♪ Gives every dark street ♪

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♪ A light at the end ♪

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♪ Standing tall ♪

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♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

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♪ Rise and fall ♪

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♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

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♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪

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♪ The wind and haze ♪

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♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

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♪ It’s my life ♪

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♪ And my dream ♪

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♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪

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[instrumental music]

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Yes, sir. Y‐yeah.
Yes, sir.

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Mr. Walpole, I will get to it
as soon as I get a chance.

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Yes, sir,
I do enjoy working here.

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I’ll get to it right now.
G‐goodbye, sir.

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Copy!

28
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Never mind.

29
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They have really got you
hopping today.

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Oh, it’s...
You wouldn’t believe it, Lydia.

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I have to interview an alderman

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and research a six‐part series

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on money laundering.

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I just hope nobody dies
because I’m way behind

35
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updating the obituaries.

36
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[sighs]

37
00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:01,722
That’s why I like writing
an advice column.

38
00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:03,323
When the pressure
starts building

39
00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:05,158
I do what I’m doing
this weekend.

40
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Go to the Bahamas,
print a bunch of my old columns

41
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and call it "The Best of Lydia."

42
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Well, I’m afraid they won’t run
a "Best of the Obituaries."

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W‐which reminds me, if I don’t
get all this research done

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for Mr. Walpole,
I am a dead man.

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Oh, face it, Larry, when they
say jump, you ask, "How high?"

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Yeah, well, the next person
who asks me for something

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is gonna get an earful
from Larry Appleton.

48
00:02:28,414 --> 00:02:29,583
Appleton?

49
00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:31,652
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!

50
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,520
I need a thousand word
background story

51
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:34,487
on the Burgess murder trial.

52
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Yes, sir! I’m your man,
Mr. Wainwright.

53
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But it might take a while.

54
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Because I’m already researching
the money laundering scandal

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and I have to interview
Alderman Bennett.

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Appleton, if you’d learn
to budget your time

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you’d be able
to get through all this.

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‐Now, get on it!
‐Yes, sir.

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Thanks for the tip, sir!

60
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Guess you told him.

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Cousin Larry,
hold on to your hat

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because what I’m gonna tell you

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is gonna knock your socks off!

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I was just put in charge
of the Chronicle newsletter!

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That’s nice.

66
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:07,788
Balki, congratulations!

67
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,455
Thank you, Ms. Lydia.

68
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:11,725
I love reading
the "Chronicle Chatter."

69
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It is so fascinating
reading about people

70
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I see every day
but would never socialize with.

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Cousin, cousin,
isn’t that great news?

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Don’t it make you
just want to sing and shout

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and throw your body
to the floor!

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‐Uh‐huh.
‐Come on, cousin!

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Celebrate!

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♪ Dance to the music ♪

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‐How about it?
‐Yeah, that’s wonderful.

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Cousin, I am
very excited about this

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and I would like you
to share that excitement

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and I would like that now.

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I’m sorry, Balki.

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That’s, that’s great news!

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And a great opportunity for you!

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If you do a good job,
you could become a real reporter

85
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and get out of this basement.

86
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Well, cousin,
you’re a real reporter

87
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and you’re
still in this basement.

88
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But I’m working
very hard to get out of it.

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So, unfortunately, the answer
to your next question is no.

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Wow!

91
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I don’t even know what my next
question is going to be...

92
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...and you already
know the answer.

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Do you have ESPN?

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No.

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HBO?

96
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No.

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PMS?

98
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No. No, no, no.

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B‐Balki, the point I am trying
to make as quickly as possible

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is that I know you would like
the advice of someone

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who has had a lot
of experience in journalism.

102
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Oh, cousin, I would! I would!

103
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Could you introduce me
to someone like that?

104
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No, I mean, I’m the one
who could help you.

105
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Thank you, cousin!

106
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But I’m just too busy.

107
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Well, throw acid rain
on my parade.

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00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:06,006
[instrumental music]

109
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Okay, Dimitri.

110
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This part of the newsletter
is finished.

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Couldn’t have done it
without your help.

112
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Now, would you like to give
it your stamp of approval?

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[squeaking]

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Take five, babe.

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‐Hi, Balki.
‐’Cousin!’

116
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‐’How’s it going?’
‐Cousin, it’s going fantastic.

117
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I finished all my articles
for the Chronicle newsletter.

118
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Well, that’s terrific!

119
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Now, we are so happy,
we do the dance of joy!

120
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♪ Di di di di
di‐di di‐di ♪

121
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♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪

122
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♪ Hey hey hey ♪

123
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Well...

124
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,795
Let’s see
what you got here?

125
00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:04,164
Cousin, I, I think
you’re really gonna like this.

126
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:08,134
I, I feel I’ve developed
my own unique style.

127
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:10,003
Some may liken it to Hemmingway

128
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,506
while others cite Kafka,
but you decide.

129
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"The Chronicle’s favorite
advice‐columnist

130
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"Ms. Lydia Markham, looks well
rested after her vacation

131
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in the Bahamas."

132
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Is that it?

133
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Pretty good, huh?

134
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"Mr. Gorpley has been looking
pretty snazzy all week

135
00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:35,629
setting a good example
for the rest of us."

136
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:38,965
Oh, I, I editorialized a little
towards the end of that one.

137
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I, I don’t know, I thought
it needed a little color

138
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,169
a little something,
a little snap.

139
00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:45,138
‐Balki.
‐What?

140
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:47,007
This is all fluff.

141
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,009
Oh, thank you, cousin.

142
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,878
‐No.
‐That was my goal, you know.

143
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,614
But you don’t know,
you lose perspective

144
00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:54,748
on a project like this.

145
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:55,816
You know, it’s all this‐‐

146
00:06:55,849 --> 00:07:00,687
I mean, uh,
where is the real story?

147
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,756
You know, who cares
if Lydia looks well‐rested

148
00:07:02,789 --> 00:07:05,458
or what Gorpley is wearing?

149
00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:08,529
Balki, I’m afraid
this just isn’t good enough.

150
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:11,532
But I, I write it
just like they told me to.

151
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:14,167
If they told you to jump
would you ask, "How high?"

152
00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:18,539
Well, of course not,
don’t be ridiculous.

153
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:22,509
I’d simply jump
as high as I possibly could

154
00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:24,745
and hope it was good enough.

155
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,882
"Good enough"
doesn’t sound like you.

156
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:30,717
Who does it sound like?

157
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,855
The Balki I know
wouldn’t settle for good enough.

158
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,791
The Balki I know
would want to do his best.

159
00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:40,226
The Balki I know would wanna
make this the best newsletter

160
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,128
in the history of newsletters!

161
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:44,665
I want to be
like the Balki you know!

162
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,769
You are the Balki I know.

163
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,103
Now, Balki,
if you wanna make this

164
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:52,072
this newsletter
something worth reading

165
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:55,175
then you’ve got to tell
the story behind the story.

166
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:56,843
You’ve got to dig deeper.

167
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,178
Telling your readers
that Gorpley

168
00:07:58,211 --> 00:07:59,546
is well‐dressed isn’t enough.

169
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:02,783
You’ve got to tell them why
he is suddenly so well‐dressed.

170
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,217
Cousin, I want do that.

171
00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,052
‐Good.
‐How I do that?

172
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,588
I’m going to tell you
how to do that.

173
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,524
‐I can’t wait.
‐Okay.

174
00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:12,926
Now, to be a good reporter
you’ve got to know

175
00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:14,761
how to use who, what,
when, where and why.

176
00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:17,564
The five W’s of journalism.

177
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,132
‐What?
‐That’s one.

178
00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:22,969
‐What one?
‐Exactly.

179
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,839
‐Exactly what?
‐Good.

180
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,575
And who is another.

181
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,043
I don’t know, who is another?

182
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:32,646
Right. And don’t forget where.

183
00:08:34,581 --> 00:08:38,218
‐Where, what?
‐That’s two.

184
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:41,221
‐What’s two?
‐No, what’s one.

185
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:43,590
Who is another,
and you know where.

186
00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:46,827
I don’t know where.

187
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:48,995
Sure you do.

188
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,797
What’s giving you trouble?

189
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:53,967
I don’t know
what’s giving me trouble.

190
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,903
But I know
who is giving me trouble.

191
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,106
No, who you’ve got.

192
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,676
‐Who I’ve got?
‐And you know where.

193
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:05,111
‐Where?
‐Exactly.

194
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:07,848
‐Exactly, what?
‐Perfect!

195
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,282
Just a couple more
and we’ll be done soon.

196
00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:10,250
When?

197
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:13,286
Hey, you’re getting
pretty good at this.

198
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:15,188
Oo‐oo‐ooh, wow!

199
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,658
No, no. Why?

200
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:20,060
I don’t know why.

201
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,029
Well, you knew all the others.

202
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,798
‐When?
‐And where?

203
00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:26,900
‐Where, what?
‐And why.

204
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,234
I don’t know why!

205
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,804
All I know
is I was sitting here gluing

206
00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:32,739
you came in,
we did the dance of joy

207
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,141
you make some false promise
about another Balki

208
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,744
and now I’m totally confused
and emotionally drained.

209
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:38,945
Okay, calm down.

210
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,247
Calm down.

211
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,619
Are you alright?

212
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,054
Yes, I’m, I’m...

213
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,390
[clears throat]
I’m fine, thank you.

214
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,292
Alright, let’s start over again.

215
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:53,927
‐With what?
‐Yes.

216
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:59,199
[instrumental music]

217
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,073
(Gorpley)
’Bartokomous!’

218
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:10,010
It’s almost noon, I’m going
to lunch, I’ll be back at 4:00.

219
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,812
Uh, Mr. Gorpley, Mr. Gorpley.

220
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:13,914
Would you please
tell me how come

221
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,782
you’re so dressed up this week?

222
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,350
That’s for me to know
and you to find out.

223
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:19,319
Oh, I love guessing games

224
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:21,688
as much as the next guy,
you big kidder.

225
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:27,127
But, but I’m working
against a deadline.

226
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,095
And I’m working with an idiot.

227
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:36,002
Mr. Gorpley hires new employee.

228
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,272
Check it out.

229
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,075
How’s it going, Balki?

230
00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:43,810
Well, cousin,
I’ve got some leads

231
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,179
but, but every time
I try to dig deeper

232
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:49,149
I wind up shoveling alone.

233
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,451
Well, if reporting were easy,
everybody would be doing it.

234
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,719
Hmm.

235
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:53,720
If you wanna be a good reporter

236
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:56,122
you’re gonna have
to change your tactics.

237
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:59,059
I put on a clean pair
this morning.

238
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,329
No, I mean,
you’re gonna have to find

239
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,899
new ways o‐of
getting your information.

240
00:11:05,932 --> 00:11:08,368
If someone won’t talk to you,
talk to their friends

241
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,837
talk to their wives,
talk to their ex‐wives.

242
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,305
Well, what if
they’re not married

243
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,240
and they don’t have
any friends?

244
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,142
Well, then you have
to hang out in places

245
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,178
where you think
you can pick up information.

246
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,981
Uh, water cooler,
the lobby, the snack bar.

247
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,717
Who knows?
You might have to go incognito.

248
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,351
Oh, I don’t know, cousin.

249
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,954
I don’t care much
for Mexican food.

250
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,995
It always gives me
Monty Hall’s revenge.

251
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:47,307
No, I mean, you might
have to wear a disguise.

252
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,142
But, but, cousin, t‐that sounds

253
00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:51,344
an awful lot like snooping.

254
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,346
It’s not snooping
if you’re writing it down.

255
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,849
Then, it’s journalism.

256
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,185
Oh‐h‐h!

257
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,088
Well, I’ve got to get this up
to Mr. Wainwright’s office.

258
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:03,356
Good luck with your newsletter.

259
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:05,258
Thanks.
Can I, can I push the button?

260
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,993
Alright, you push the button.

261
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:09,896
Oh! Oh! And don’t forget...

262
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,802
Bye‐bye.

263
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:20,541
No. No, not bye‐bye.

264
00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:24,277
Quotes. Quotes.
Always get exact quotes.

265
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:26,446
Oh, right. Right, right, right.
Quotes. Quotes.

266
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,850
‐Oh, hi, guys.
‐Hi, Ms. Lydia.

267
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,385
Wainwright’s still running you
around like a madman, Larry?

268
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,154
Lydia, would you believe
this is the third time

269
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,022
he’s had me rewrite
this murder story?

270
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:38,391
He said I mentioned murder
too many times.

271
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,828
If you ask me, Mr. Wainwright
is not playing with a full deck.

272
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:49,503
"Mr. Wainwright is not playing
with a full deck."

273
00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:53,974
What a great...

274
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,911
[instrumental music]

275
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,918
[instrumental music]

276
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,494
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!

277
00:13:14,528 --> 00:13:16,930
Get your copy
of the "Chronicle Chatter"

278
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,165
under new management.

279
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,134
‐Here you go, cousin.
‐Ah.

280
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:22,235
Thank you, Balki.

281
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:27,340
It’s, it’s, it’s hot
off the presses.

282
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:29,042
I’ll get to it later.

283
00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:31,545
Read it before
they wrap fish in it.

284
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,616
I guess you want me
to read this now.

285
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,283
Only if you have time.

286
00:13:38,552 --> 00:13:41,321
I’ll make the time.

287
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,289
I was hoping to read
this before you went to press

288
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,224
but I’ve been so busy.

289
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,092
Eh, cousin,
it’s okay, it’s okay.

290
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:47,961
We both had papers to put out.

291
00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:50,030
[laughing]

292
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:52,866
Oh, Bartokomous,
I have got to admit it.

293
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:54,968
This is the best thing
I have seen in years.

294
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,036
Thank you, Mr. Gorpley.

295
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,971
Well, didn’t I tell you
people would love it?

296
00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,640
Well, I’m overcome!

297
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,643
But I can’t take all the credit.
Cousin Larry helped too.

298
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:06,647
Well, whoever wrote the story
about Lydia did a great job.

299
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,449
Well, you’re lookin’
right through him.

300
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,520
I mean, everybody thought
she went to the Bahamas

301
00:14:13,554 --> 00:14:15,956
but you found out
she really went to Milwaukee

302
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,357
to have an eyelid tuck.

303
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,926
[laughing]

304
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,862
Nice going, Bartokomous!

305
00:14:22,663 --> 00:14:23,930
Excuse me?

306
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,065
Yeah, well, it’s right next

307
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:26,633
to the Dimitri,
the sheep cartoon.

308
00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:28,134
Oh, hmm.

309
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,003
That’s going to be
a regular feature.

310
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:34,007
I thought maybe later on I could
give it a political angle.

311
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,110
"If you’re wondering who had
what done where the answer is

312
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:39,245
"Ms. Lydia, the paper’s
favorite advice columnist

313
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,548
"went to Milwaukee
to get her eyelids tucked.

314
00:14:41,582 --> 00:14:43,283
"When? Over the weekend.

315
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,218
"So if you get a chance,
compliment her

316
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:48,021
on her new peeper‐covers."

317
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,023
[chuckles]

318
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,491
How many of these
have you given out?

319
00:14:51,525 --> 00:14:53,660
One to every employee
in the building

320
00:14:53,694 --> 00:14:56,563
and I left a complimentary pile
in the lobby.

321
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,301
Okay, get your coat!
We’re getting out of here.

322
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,503
‐What?
‐Come on!

323
00:15:02,536 --> 00:15:03,604
Huh?

324
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:10,276
I want some answers
and I want them now!

325
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:13,079
Lydia, I’m sure everything
can be explained.

326
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,115
I have been humiliated!

327
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:19,219
Held up to ridicule in front
of everyone in the building!

328
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:22,088
Who did this to you, Ms. Lydia?

329
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:27,060
They’ll have to answer to me!

330
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,462
Chill out, Lydia. I thought
the article was hilarious.

331
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,531
Peeper‐covers.

332
00:15:30,564 --> 00:15:31,632
[laughing]

333
00:15:34,635 --> 00:15:37,070
You are pretty cheerful
for a man

334
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,673
who doesn’t have long to live.

335
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:40,741
What are you talking about?

336
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:43,977
The article
about you and Maggie.

337
00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:45,245
The what?

338
00:15:46,647 --> 00:15:48,414
You mean, there’s another?

339
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,450
Oh, didn’t you read
the last page?

340
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:53,286
It’s equally hilarious.

341
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:57,090
Thank you very much. I, I do
try to accent the lighter side.

342
00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:59,492
"Sam Gorpley,
looking very handsome

343
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:02,295
"in a pickled herring
bone suit...

344
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,002
"...was seen dining with who?

345
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:12,238
"Maggie Miner,
wife of sports editor

346
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:15,642
"and bodybuilder
Matt Miner, that’s who.

347
00:16:15,676 --> 00:16:19,445
"Apparently Maggie has a sore
knee because Mr. Gorpley

348
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,315
was nice enough
to rub it all during lunch."

349
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,455
I’m a dead man.

350
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,294
But I’m taking somebody with me.

351
00:16:35,796 --> 00:16:38,264
Oh! Okay, okay, uh, Balki.

352
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,666
[laughing]
They fell for it!

353
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:42,335
Let’s let them in
on our little joke.

354
00:16:42,368 --> 00:16:46,072
There are only two copies of
the newsletter and you got them.

355
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,207
[laughing]

356
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,777
They’re all over the building.

357
00:16:50,811 --> 00:16:54,380
Balki, I cannot believe that
you would write stuff like this.

358
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:57,183
You know,
I can hardly believe it myself.

359
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:03,323
I was afraid my writing would be
flat and pedestrian but...

360
00:17:04,625 --> 00:17:06,693
...I just followed exactly

361
00:17:06,727 --> 00:17:09,730
what Cousin Larry
told me to do and...

362
00:17:12,533 --> 00:17:14,601
You can see the results.

363
00:17:14,635 --> 00:17:16,269
But I, I didn’t help that much.

364
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,204
Oh, come on, cousin,
you’re being modest.

365
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:21,474
No, no! Listen,
the, the truth must be told.

366
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,176
Oh, I don’t know.

367
00:17:24,745 --> 00:17:26,613
You see,
I was just going to write

368
00:17:26,647 --> 00:17:28,649
that Ms. Lydia
went to the Bahamas

369
00:17:28,682 --> 00:17:30,283
but Cousin Larry
kept saying no

370
00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:32,252
you got to d‐i‐i‐ig
a little deeper.

371
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,154
(Balki)
’You got to dig
a little deeper.’

372
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:35,556
No, no! I‐I‐I didn’t, I didn’t.

373
00:17:35,589 --> 00:17:37,390
See, he couldn’t...
He, he couldn’t. I only...

374
00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:38,659
Appleton!

375
00:17:38,692 --> 00:17:40,561
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!

376
00:17:41,795 --> 00:17:43,564
Yes, sir. Yes, w‐what
can I do for you, sir?

377
00:17:43,597 --> 00:17:45,666
Research? Filing?
Out‐of‐town assignment?

378
00:17:45,699 --> 00:17:48,835
Explain this article
in the "Chronicle Chatter."

379
00:17:48,869 --> 00:17:51,171
Oh, no, another one?

380
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,373
"If you’re wondering
what Mr. Wainwright might like

381
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,875
"in his Christmas stocking,
might I suggest

382
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:56,309
"a pack of playing cards.

383
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:57,878
"And why would
this be the ideal gift?

384
00:17:57,911 --> 00:18:00,280
"Because, according
to Cousin Larry Appleton

385
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:02,616
Mr. Wainwright isn’t playing
with a full deck."

386
00:18:07,888 --> 00:18:12,358
Uh, uh, uh...a full deck
i‐isn’t that a nautical term?

387
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:17,698
Mr. Wainwright, one less thing
to ask Santa for, huh?

388
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,334
I‐it was a mistake.
It, it wasn’t me.

389
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:23,904
I, I would never say anything
like that about you, sir.

390
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:25,405
I, I must have been misquoted.

391
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,873
No, cousin,
I was standing right...

392
00:18:26,907 --> 00:18:28,742
No, no, no,
you taught me!

393
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,177
I was standing
right there and I caught

394
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:34,347
the exact quote
as it flew out of your mouth.

395
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,449
It was, it was
taken out of context!

396
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:39,185
It was, i‐i‐it had to be...
Have you lost weight?

397
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:42,656
Because that’s a very nice suit.
I‐i‐it matches your head.

398
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:44,290
Your hair.
The hair on your head.

399
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:45,358
‐Appleton,
‐Yes, sir?

400
00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:46,793
‐You’re babbling.
‐Thank you, sir.

401
00:18:46,827 --> 00:18:50,263
Appleton,
when you’re coherent, call me.

402
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,165
You bet I will, sir.

403
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,705
Mr. Wainwright
and Mr. Gorpley in fashion war.

404
00:18:58,739 --> 00:19:00,273
Check it out!

405
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:06,913
I’m Matt Miner.

406
00:19:06,947 --> 00:19:09,182
And I’m looking for Sam Gorpley.

407
00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:12,385
(Lydia and Gorpley)
That’s him!

408
00:19:12,418 --> 00:19:13,453
Oh.

409
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:22,596
[instrumental music]

410
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,297
(Larry)
’Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.’

411
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:27,400
Totally.
Totally, totally uncalled for.

412
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:28,869
Yes...y‐yes, but...

413
00:19:28,902 --> 00:19:30,871
I really meant that about
the weight loss, though.

414
00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:33,406
You’re, you’re looking,
you’re looking very very...

415
00:19:33,439 --> 00:19:35,876
Hello? Hello? Hello?

416
00:19:37,778 --> 00:19:39,412
Balki, good news.

417
00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:40,981
I’m off the hook
with Wainwright.

418
00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:43,216
He was very gracious.

419
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:08,842
Balki, how long
do you plan on wearing

420
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:12,278
the Myposian Mantle
of a Thousand Itches?

421
00:20:14,715 --> 00:20:18,852
Well, Myposian law
states I must wear it

422
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:23,657
one year for every person I
offended and let me see...

423
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:27,427
...I offended seven people,
so...

424
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:31,632
...I think we’re looking
at a seven year itch.

425
00:20:37,037 --> 00:20:41,474
Balki, I really think you’re
carrying this a little too far.

426
00:20:41,508 --> 00:20:42,976
No, no, cousin.

427
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,612
If I was carrying this
too far...

428
00:20:45,646 --> 00:20:48,715
...I’d be wearing the
Boxer Shorts of Eternal Chafing.

429
00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:56,923
Balki, in America
when you offend someone

430
00:20:56,957 --> 00:21:00,460
a verbal apology is sufficient.

431
00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:02,896
Unless you offend a large
segment of the population

432
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:05,398
uh, then you get
a Presidential pardon.

433
00:21:08,502 --> 00:21:12,639
You mean, if I, if I write
everyone I offended

434
00:21:12,673 --> 00:21:15,609
a verbal apology,
I’ll be okay?

435
00:21:16,510 --> 00:21:17,944
In a manner of speaking.

436
00:21:17,978 --> 00:21:20,881
Well, then I think I’ll do that.

437
00:21:20,914 --> 00:21:22,949
Okay, well,
let’s, let’s take this off.

438
00:21:22,983 --> 00:21:24,050
Ah!

439
00:21:27,921 --> 00:21:28,989
[grunts]

440
00:21:31,525 --> 00:21:32,593
[sighs]

441
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:36,029
Wool.

442
00:21:37,798 --> 00:21:40,901
A‐after I deliver
all my apologies...

443
00:21:40,934 --> 00:21:43,570
...I‐I’ll, I’ll resign
from the newsletter.

444
00:21:43,604 --> 00:21:45,371
Balki, you don’t have
to do that.

445
00:21:45,405 --> 00:21:48,108
‐You did a good job.
‐I did?

446
00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:50,677
Yeah, the first newsletter
you wrote was pretty good.

447
00:21:50,711 --> 00:21:54,047
All it needed
was a little fine tuning.

448
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,649
And I’m sure
you’ll do a terrific job

449
00:21:55,682 --> 00:21:58,051
if I stay out of your way.

450
00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:00,554
Cousin,
would you do that for me?

451
00:22:04,057 --> 00:22:05,425
You bet I would.

452
00:22:05,458 --> 00:22:06,860
Thank you, cousin.

453
00:22:06,893 --> 00:22:08,428
I just have one question.

454
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,632
How did you find out about
Gorpley’s lunch date

455
00:22:11,665 --> 00:22:12,866
with Maggie Miner?

456
00:22:12,899 --> 00:22:15,536
Oh, I, I followed
your suggestion

457
00:22:15,569 --> 00:22:18,572
and I went undercover.

458
00:22:18,605 --> 00:22:21,074
[American accent]
Hi, my name’s Bart,
I’ll be your waiter today.

459
00:22:21,107 --> 00:22:22,442
Uh...

460
00:22:25,145 --> 00:22:27,113
Let me just, uh, put
your drink order in real quick

461
00:22:27,147 --> 00:22:28,815
and then I’ll be back
to explain our specials

462
00:22:28,849 --> 00:22:30,951
and get you started
on our salad bar.

463
00:22:41,895 --> 00:22:44,097
[theme music]

464
00:23:11,091 --> 00:23:14,060
[music continues]