[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
[knocking]
Dad, it’s good to see you.
Oh, oh. Oh, put me down.
Uh, dad, uh, this is Balki.
And this is my apartment.
Oh, no, no. I didn’t hire a decorator.
I did this all myself.
Oh, this?
This is my scrapbook.
Yeah, I keep all my newspaper articles in here.
This is Volume One.
Volume Two is, uh, still being bound.
Hmm? Oh. Oh, yeah, the trophies.
Yeah, well, they’re really starting to...
...stack up, aren’t they?
Oh, this one? Yeah, this is my pride and joy.
I won this playing softball.
I took a ragtag team of rank amateurs
all the way to the Park District Softball Championship.
Cousin?
I hate to interrupt your talk with your...
...invisible friend...
...but your‐your papa’s going to be here any minute.
Yeah, I was just practicing, uh, what I’m gonna say to him.
Oh, what a great idea. I’ll help you.
Yeah, what’s in the bag?
Oh, cousin, I got...
...the biggest cheese wheel I could find.
You should have seen the cheese car I took it off of.
Well, that’s great. Dad loves a good cheese wheel.
Cousin, you know what I thought I would do?
I thought I would take this cheese wheel
and‐and cut it up into little geometric shapes.
You know, uh, circles, uh, rectangles.
Maybe a trapezoid or a rhombus.
Balki, cheese wheels are always cut in triangular wedges.
Well, I beg to take issue.
Balki, how many cheese wheels have you cut in your lifetime?
‐Well, eh, cousin‐‐ ‐How many? How many?
How many cheese wheels, how many cheese wheels
have you cut in your lifetime?
‐None. ‐None? As in zero?
As in never ever have you cut a cheese wheel in your lifetime?
This would have been my first.
Well, I’m from Wisconsin, the cheese wheel state
and we always cut cheese wheels in triangular wedges.
Not circles, not rectangles, not trapezoids
and never, ever, ever...
...a rhombus.
Cousin?
Cousin...
...th‐this is very disturbing.
Usually geometric discussions have a calming effect on you.
I’m just a little tensed about my dad’s visit.
I want this visit to be perfect.
This is my chance to show dad I’ve made it on my own.
When he sees the life I’ve made for myself
he’ll be so proud of me, he’ll say, "Well done, son."
Wh‐when I was a kid, I used to live
for a "well done, son."
‐I never got one. ‐Oh!
Except for the one time I asked dad how he wanted his steak.
[knock on door]
Oh, that must be dad.
Woo.
This is it.
‐Dad. ‐Lawrence.
It is good to see you, son.
Good to see you too, dad.
Well, this is for you.
A genuine Wisconsin cheese wheel.
Don’t cut it into triangular wedges.
It dries out.
Right you are, dad. Uh, dad, this is Balki.
Balki.
Uncle Walter.
Uncle Walter, I’ve been looking forward to‐to seeing you
for a sheepdog’s age.
And you’re everything I thought you would be.
Only taller.
Well, uh, height runs in the family.
Usually.
Well, so, dad, uh, what do you think, uh, of my apartment?
Well...
Hope you didn’t hire a decorator.
Oh, no, I didn’t hire a decorator.
I did this all my‐myself.
[instrumental music]
Where do you want these snacks, Larry?
On the dining room table.
Uh, finger food goes on the coffee table.
Good point, dad.
Finger food goes on the coffee table, Jennifer.
Excuse me, Lawrence.
Ladies, let me show you the Appleton method
of folding napkins.
I can show you the threefold star
’or the Appleton tulip. Neither aren’t easy...’
Cousin, I bet your papa will say it
when he tastes your onion dip.
Say what?
Well done, son.
Oh, Balki, I’m sure he’ll say it when I deserve it.
He doesn’t just throw around well dones
for‐for the heck of it.
Well, you know, cousin, I‐I’ve noticed
he is rather thrifty
with his "well done, sons" and...
...so generous with his "not that way, Lawrences."
He’s just being helpful. Dad’s great that way.
He spots what I’m doing wrong
and shows me how to do it his way.
Like, like the same way you help me.
Exactly.
Come on. Let’s go sit down.
You must be very proud of Larry, Mr. Appleton.
You know, "The Chronicle" doesn’t pick just anybody
for its Investigative Reporting team.
Oh, I was very impressed with that.
‐You were? ‐Oh, you bet.
Of course, when it comes to reporting
television’s the place to be.
Television, right. Thanks for the advice, dad.
Well, I try. After all, what’s a father for?
You know, my father was for higher mutton prices.
I just remember all the fun I had with my father.
He used to take me everywhere.
To the lake, to the golf course, to ball games.
Oh, I did the same thing with Lawrence.
Do you remember that time the Yankees played the White Sox
and we drove down to Chicago?
I got us box seats right behind the Yankee dugout?
How could I forget?
I still have the bat Mickey Mantle autographed.
[chuckles] We had such fun that day.
It wasn’t Mickey Mantle. It was Roger Maris.
Oh, remember the time I took you to the circus in Milwaukee?
Oh, I love the circus.
Show me 50 clowns in a flaming Volkswagen
and I’m a happy Mypiot.
Uh, dad.
It was Mickey Mantle.
’A‐and I can prove it.’
I have the bat right here in the closet.
Uh...
Cousin, cousin, the bat’s in the basement.
No, Balki, the bat’s in the closet.
‐The bat’s in the basement. ‐The bat’s in the closet.
The bat’s in the basement.
The bat’s in the closet.
[rattling]
The bat’s in the basement.
Lawrence, it doesn’t matter who signed the bat.
Let’s get ready for the party.
But it was Roger Maris.
Mickey Mantle.
Dad, uh, you taught me that being right is important
and I’m right about this.
Alright, let’s go down to the basement and find out.
Good idea, uh, if anybody comes while we’re gone
just tell ’em we’ll be right back.
Come on, Balki, you seem to be the only one
who knows where this bat is.
Lawrence, I remember it distinctly.
Roger Maris was standing by the dugout. You didn’t even see him.
I had to tell you, "Have Roger Maris sign your bat."
‐Mickey Mantle. ‐Roger Maris.
Tastes great. Less filling.
I just got caught up in the rhythm.
Alright, here it is.
‐Roger Maris, right? ‐No.
‐"Joey Dolan." ‐Who’s Joey Dolan?
Look, he‐he autographed the ball too.
"Joey Dolan, bat boy."
You thought the bat boy was Roger Maris?
No, I thought the bat boy was Mickey Mantle.
I thought the bat boy was Batman’s son.
It’s an easy mistake, son.
Baseball never was your sport.
Oh, I don’t know about that.
Cousin Larry knows an awful lot about baseball.
He taught me how to swing this old hickory stick
so I could just knock that horsehide
right into the next county.
You show a lot of natural ability, Balki.
Oh, thank you, Uncle Walter.
But whoever taught you that stance
didn’t know what he was doing.
I taught him that stance, and you taught it to me.
Here, you‐you crouch like Stan Musial
squint like Ted Williams
stride like Mickey Mantle.
Swing like Grandma Moses.
Well, you know, dad, I’ve done pretty well with that swing.
To prove it, I’ve got that trophy on my mantel.
‐Maris. ‐Mantel.
‐Maris. ‐Mantel. Will you stop it?
Uh, no offense, son, but with that swing
I’ll bet even I could throw the ball by you.
Well, there’s a ball right there.
If you feel lucky, dad, let’s see what you can do.
You’re on.
‐Oh, you know, cousin, I‐‐ ‐Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki.
‐’Yes.’ ‐You can bat next.
‐Oh, no, that’s nothing. ‐’Balki.’
‐I want to tell you something‐‐ ‐’Balki, Balki‐‐’
Let me just tell you something. Cousin, cousin.
Get out of the way.
’Get out of the way.’
Okay. Here it comes.
Nothing fancy. Just smoke.
‐’Cousin, let me just‐‐’ ‐Balki.
‐Just let me say something‐‐ ‐Balki. Balki. Balki.
‐One thing. ‐Later.
Let her rip, dad.
[clanking]
What did you wanna say, Balki?
‐Well, I wanted to say... ‐Hmm...
"Cousin Larry, you’re standing too close
to the water pipe."
But now, that seems rather obvious.
Oh, I don’t think it’s very serious.
Just a simple repair job.
Oh, God.
Well, we better go tell the janitor anyway.
[speaking in foreign language]
[rattling]
‐Balki, open the door. ‐Cousin, I would love to.
But there’s one little difficulty.
The door is locked.
We can’t get out.
[instrumental music]
‐Help. ‐Help.
Help.
It’s no use. The door’s solid.
No one can hear us.
Don’t worry, Lawrence.
You’ve gotten us into bigger jams than this one.
If we don’t come back, Jennifer and Mary Anne
will come down and let us out, so there’s no harm done.
Well, you know, I think we can count on some water damage.
No problem, all we have to do to stop the leak
is turn off the valve. Presto, no more leak.
Oh, I’ll do it, dad.
[grunting]
It‐it‐it won’t turn, dad.
Well, no wonder, it’s rusted.
And how do we get rid of rust, son?
We knock it off with a hammer.
‐Right. ‐I’ll get one.
Uh, uh, cousin, cousin. Oh!
‐Uh, U‐Uncle Walter. ‐Yes.
Hitting it with a hammer?
Doesn’t that seem like a‐a rather violent way
to deal with rust?
‐Oh, you think so? ‐Yes, I do.
Tell me, Balki.
How many leaks have you fixed in your lifetime?
‐Uh... ‐How many?
‐Well... ‐How many?
How many leaks, how many leaks
have you fixed in your lifetime?
Um...
‐None. ‐None? As in zero?
As in never ever have you fixed a leak in your lifetime?
‐That is correct. ‐Oh!
You see, I’ve always worked with an Appleton.
Let’s listen to dad, Balki.
He taught me everything I know about plumbing.
That’s what worries me.
We’re in good hands.
Dad uses tools like a surgeon.
[clanking]
Looks like the surgeon lost a patient.
And then, after Larry’s father separated the crackers
by size, shape, and flavor...
...he counted the toothpicks
separating the round ones from the flat ones.
’Anyway, next he and Larry got’
into some fight about a silly bat
and they went down to the basement to find it.
Where are they?
It shouldn’t take this long
to find a baseball bat.
You’ve got two compulsives and an idiot down there.
For all we know, they could be tunneling to China.
[laughing]
I think I’ll‐I’ll go downstairs
and see what’s taking them so long.
Well, tell them not to hurry on my account.
Let’s analyze the problem.
What is causing the flooding?
Balki.
My guess would be...water.
Good, Balki, good.
Alright. Let’s think.
‐All basements have drains. ‐Right.
But the water isn’t running off.
Which means a stopped up drain.
Right.
You are listening to the master.
Shh. Shh. I’m listening.
All we have to do is find it, free it
and presto, no more flood.
Lawrence, you look over there.
Uh, Balki, you look around in there
and I’ll look over here.
♪ I’m singin’ in the rain ♪
♪ Just singin’ in the rain ♪
♪ What a glorious feeling ♪
♪ I’m happy again ♪
Balki.
♪ The clouds in the sky ♪
Balki.
‐We can play later. ‐But I‐I‐‐
Later.
After we find the drain.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow.
‐Get it off. ‐Oh, my goodness.
‐Get it off. ‐Does that hurt much?
Get it off.
Ow.
Well...
...we know the drain’s not over there.
‐Larry, what’s taking so long? ‐Don’t let the door close.
Uh, the door locks from the outside.
Let’s get out of here.
Larry, what happened here?
Dad hit the valve with a hammer.
Only after Lawrence hit the pipe with a bat.
You were playing some kind of game?
Yeah, baseball. Appleton style.
Wow. I didn’t know there was a pool down here.
This is a dangerous place for a fire extinguisher.
(all) No!
[door closes]
Mary Anne, the fire extinguisher
was holding the door open.
Now we’re locked in.
Well, gee, tell a person.
I‐it’s alright, when we don’t come back
Lydia and Mr. Gorpley will come down here and let us out.
In the meantime, let’s get back to work.
I think I found it.
Is it, is it usually about a foot wide?
‐Yes. ‐Does it have grating on top?
Yes. Yes.
Well, then, here it is.
Oh, there’s my hibachi.
Why are you guys looking for a hibachi?
We’re not. We’re looking for the drain.
Well, you can forget it, Larry, the drain was sealed over
when Mr. Winslow spilled a load of cement down here.
Balki, Larry, are you... Oh, what in the world‐‐
‐Keep the door open. ‐Hold the door. Hold it.
‐Keep the door open. ‐Hold it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
[door closes]
If you’ve got something to say to me, say it one at a time.
You just locked us all in.
‐Okay. ‐How could you do this?
[indistinct]
Calm down. Alright. Everybody. Everybody.
Calm down. Calm down. What’s done is done.
Oh, I don’t know if anyone’s noticed
but this water is rising awfully fast.
Larry, there isn’t a chance we could drown, is there?
Nobody’s going to drown.
When our other guests are wondering where we are
they’ll come down and let us out.
That would be true, Appleton, if any other guests had arrived.
You‐you invite people for seven o’clock
you’d think they’d have the common decency
to show up on time.
Wait a minute.
This place is gonna fill up with water.
I don’t wanna drown.
Now, hold it. Hold it.
Lawrence is right.
‐Nobody’s gonna drown. ‐’Thanks, dad.’
By the time the water reaches this fuse box...
...we’ll all be electrocuted.
[dramatic music]
[theme music]