(male narrator) Last week on "Perfect Strangers."
I’m just a little tensed about my dad’s visit.
Now, I want this visit to be perfect.
This is my chance to show dad I’ve made it on my own.
And when he see’s the life I’ve made for myself
he’ll be so proud of me, he’ll say
"Well done, son."
I still have the bat Mickey Mantle autographed.
It wasn’t Mickey Mantle, it was Roger Maris.
It was Mickey Mantle a‐and I can prove it.
I‐I have the bat right here in the closet.
The bat’s in the basement.
[water sloshing]
It‐it‐it won’t turn, dad.
Well, no wonder. It’s rusted.
And how do we get rid of rust, son?
We knock it off with a hammer.
[clanks]
‐Balki, Larry, are you... ‐Oh.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, hey, hey!
You just locked us all in.
Wait a minute.
This place is gonna fill up with water.
‐I don’t wanna drown! ‐Nobody’s gonna drown.
By the time the water reaches this fuse box...
...we’ll all be electrocuted.
[dramatic music]
[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long‐lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
(all) He‐e‐elp!
Again.
(all) He‐e‐elp!
Cousin, cousin.
We’ve been screaming for an hour and if we keep it up
we’re going to do some permanent damage to our vocal cords.
‐Nobody can hear us, anyway. ‐Oh.
There must be something we can do!
I don’t wanna be electrocuted!
I don’t wanna die!
Not in this ensemble.
If we stay calm and keep our wits about us
I’m sure we can think of a way to keep ourselves from dying.
[gasps]
I got nothing.
I’ve got an idea.
Oh! He’s got that look in his eyes.
Normally that scares me
but when you’re thigh‐deep in water
you lower your expectation.
This oughta do it.
Now, cousin, this is no time to try your ventriloquist act.
I’ve seen it and his lips move constantly.
[Larry panting]
[all cheering]
(Balki) ’Cousin!’
Appleton finally came up with something that worked.
‐I don’t believe it. ‐There.
One problem solved.
Well, cousin, I must say
this time you really used your head.
That was a really good idea, Larry.
[rumbling]
Well, I just spotted the problem
and used a little of the old Appleton know‐how.
[chuckles]
Cousin! Cousin!
[screams]
[instrumental music]
Balki.
Now do you see why bailing won’t work?
Yes, cousin, you’re right
but I appreciate your letting me take the shot.
Well, somebody better do something.
We’re four inches from being deep‐fried.
Actually, it’s three and a half inches.
Don’t worry. I’ve got another plan to get us out of here.
You have another plan?
You call sticking a head in the pipe a plan?
It was a good plan.
Just poorly executed.
Alright, now, now listen to me, everyone.
This is no time to lose hope
because if we all put our heads together
I’m sure we can think of something.
You know what they say
"United we stand
and Delta is ready when you are."
Alright, c‐come on, everybody
we’ve got to find something to knock the door down with.
Hey, cousin
maybe we could knock the door down with one of these beams.
Good idea, Balki.
Alright, l‐let’s get this beam over to the stairs.
Okay, Balki, you take that end
and I’ll get this end. Lawrence, you get the middle.
Alright, alright. Lift!
[grunting]
Okay, walk it on over!
‐Uh... ‐’Walk it over!’
‐Be careful, Larry. ‐I’m okay. I’m okay.
Alright, alright, swing it on in.
Swing it on in. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, good.
Alright. Alright, alright, set it down.
Set‐set it down. Oh.
Uh...
[sighs]
Oh, that was close, Appleton
it almost touched your hands once.
[chuckles]
Alright, alright, everybody, get down here, out of the way.
What, are you crazy? These are alligator shoes.
Oh, well, good. Then they’ll be right at home in the water.
What? Oh, oh, oh, oh.
[breathing heavily]
Alright, let’s lift it up.
[grunting]
Mr. Gorpley, you could help us.
Oh, goody.
You’re gonna pay for these shoes, Appleton.
Alright, ready, on the count of three
we’ll ram this baby into the door.
‐One‐‐ ‐Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What is it, dad?
I think we should say ready, set, go.
Dad, I think there are times when a ready, set, go
is called for
but I don’t think this is one of those times.
‐Oh, brother. ‐Lawrence.
How many basement doors have you knocked down?
‐Well‐‐ ‐’How many?’
‐Well, I‐‐ ‐How many‐‐
Guys, guys, guys.
How about if we, if we say one, two, three
but, but we’re thinking ready, set, go?
One, two
three!
[thud]
One, two, three!
[thud]
Any other ideas, Appleton?
Alright, we just need a little more weight behind us.
Jennifer, Mary Anne, Lydia, give us a hand.
I don’t know, son, I...
I don’t, I don’t think this landing can hold all of us.
Trust me, dad.
Lawrence, if the four of us just keep hitting it
the door will give way, eventually.
But that could take all night, dad. It stands to reason.
The more people, the more force, the quicker we’ll open the door.
And it’s my beam.
And a very handsome beam it is, too, cousin
but I think the point your father is trying to make
is that this landing may not be able to support
seven people and your beam.
So prove me wrong.
Come on, ladies. Let’s put our backs into it.
Oh, no. I hope I don’t break a nail.
Alright, on the count of three. Ready?
One, two, three!
[thud]
Well, it didn’t knock down the door.
Well, it didn’t knock the landing down, either.
[gasping]
‐Oh, my God! ‐No.
Oh.
[screaming]
‐’We’re going down.’ ‐Ah.
Ah, ah...
[screaming]
Well...
[instrumental music]
Okay, okay. So we’ve had a little setback.
A little setback?
You mean, like, the Titanic had a little setback?
At least I tried.
I don’t hear anybody else coming up with a plan
to get us out of here.
You’re right, son.
‐You did have a plan. ‐Thanks, dad.
Just wasn’t a very good one.
Ah. Well, I was only trying to help.
You wanna help? Go play in the deep end.
Shame on you.
Didn’t you ever make a mistake?
Yeah. Coming to this party.
It’s getting deeper.
If we don’t get out of here soon
we might as well forget about the party.
Cousin, um
the‐the‐the festive mood seems to be slipping away.
Everyone seems to be getting cranky.
That’s because they’re going to die, and it’s all my fault.
They hate me, don’t they?
Well, of course they don’t. Don’t be ridiculous.
I wanted this to be a weekend my father would never forget.
Now I’ve killed him.
Well, it will be a weekend
your, your, your mother will never forget.
And I’ll die without ever making my father proud of me.
Cousin, you know...
...maybe your father is proud of you
and you just don’t know it.
Well, he’s never said so.
Well, he, fathers don’t always say what they feel.
Cousin, if you tell your father
how you feel
maybe you will be surprised at how he feels.
Well, I‐I would, but...
Yeah, but I just don’t know how to get started.
Well, I’m gonna help you.
‐Uncle Walter. ‐Oh, no.
Would you swim over here for just a moment, please?
Cousin Larry has something he want to tell you.
‐No, no. ‐Cousin, cousin.
Just open your mouth
and let your heart do the talking.
What is it, son?
Dad, I...
B‐Balki, could you...
...give us a minute?
Dad, we may not have much time left
but we need to talk, you and me.
You and I, Lawrence.
You and I.
W‐well, it’s not so much you and I
i‐it’s more you.
Well, it’s you when you’re r‐relating to me.
To I. To‐to me.
Lawrence, if you want a career in journalism
you’ve got to be more articulate.
Well, t‐this is exactly what I’m talking about.
Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
When I was in sixth grade I got a 96 on a test.
You, you asked what happened to the other four points.
And now I’ve got a good job at the newspaper
you tell me I should work in television.
When are you gonna be proud of me?
Lawrence, I’ve always been proud of you.
Well, all you do is criticize.
Just once I’d like to hear you say
"Well done, son."
I, I know I criticize you a lot
but it’s only because I want you to be the best you can be.
For heaven’s sake, I’m always bragging about you.
I tell everyone what a, what a wonderful son I have.
But you never tell me.
I don’t, do I?
I’ve always found it hard
to express my feelings...
...to those that I love the most.
And I love you, Lawrence.
[instrumental music]
I love you, too, dad.
[panting]
‐Thank God! ‐Balki.
Could, could you give us just, uh, another minute?
‐Huh? ‐Please?
Except for the fact that we’re going to die soon...
...I’ve never been happier.
Well, we’re not dead yet
so let’s try to find a way to get out of here.
[chuckles]
[water bubbling]
[grunting]
Balki!
Just kidding, cousin.
Cousins should joke more!
[laughs]
Come on, we’re gonna find a way out of here.
Cousin, you know, I wish MacGyver were here.
That man could take a Hershey bar
a thumbtack and a rubber band
and make a bomb that would blow the socks off that door.
Well, MacGyver’s got nothing on Lawrence.
Remember when you got that chemistry set
and you blew up the garage?
Yeah. I loved that chemistry set.
It was the best Christmas present I ever got.
I believe it was a birthday present.
No, dad, I distinctly remember‐‐
Cousin, cousin, cousin
i‐is that the chemistry set you won’t let me play with?
Balki, it’s dangerous. That’s why we keep it in the basement.
‐The basement! ‐The basement!
Guys! Guys!
That chemistry set could be in the basement!
[instrumental music]
(Larry) Sulfur.
‐Potash. ‐ Gesundheit.
Give me the potash.
There.
Was it 75% fulminate of zinc
or potassium nitrate?
Who are we kidding? He can’t even make instant coffee.
Listen, pal.
If my son can blow up an entire garage
he can certainly blow up a little door.
Thanks, dad.
Come on, Larry, you can do it.
I don’t know. It’s not coming back to me.
Well, if it were me, Larry, I’d go with 10% potash
15% sulfur and 75% zinc.
We used to summer in Beirut.
Alright.
I think we’re ready.
Now I need something to use as a fuse.
Uh, how about your tie?
Mine won’t work. It’s wet.
We could use Mr. Gorpley’s tie.
It’s dry and it’s making a nifty fashion statement.
Wait a minute. This is a $50 tie.
‐Ooh! ‐Just give them the tie, Sam.
Okay, it’s yours.
Alright, now I need something to light it with.
Oh, wait.
Dad.
It’s the lighter I gave you when I was ten.
Yes, it is.
And you were eleven.
Alright, Balki, lift me up on your shoulders
so I can reach the doorknob.
[dramatic music]
Uh, come on, girls. Better get down.
This could be dangerous.
[grunting]
‐’Be careful, Larry!’ ‐’Let’s go!’
‐’Uh, door, door.’ ‐’Hurry, Balki, hurry!’
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct yelling]
You burned a $50 tie for nothing?
I could have been buried in that tie.
[explosion]
[all cheering]
Alright, come on!
‐Let’s get outta here! ‐Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
Well done, son.
Now let’s get out of here.
[instrumental music]
Gee, dad, I wish you didn’t have to leave so soon.
Well, I gotta be back by 7:00
and if I leave now, I’ll miss the rush hour on I‐94.
Oh! Oh, uh, dad...
‐Uh, your shoes are still wet. ‐Oh.
But I stuffed them with paper
so they’ll be okay ’til you get home.
Well, now, if you get your shoes wet
and you don’t put shoe trees in ’em
you can kiss ’em goodbye.
Well, no, dad, the paper will absorb the moisture.
Lawrence, how many shoes have you dried?
Today? Fourteen.
Well, then I guess you know what you’re doing.
Thanks, dad.
Uncle Walter
I made you a nice, big plate of moogli boozachmonk
to take back to Madison.
Oh! Well, what is it?
Pig bladder stuffed with cheese.
‐Can I tempt you? ‐Uh...
Maybe later.
Uh, Balki, I can honestly say
that meeting you is an experience
I will never forget.
You know, a lot of people say that.
Oh, oh, I‐I almost forgot.
Dad, I wouldn’t eat those
or you’ll be stopping a lot.
Ah. Thank you for the advice, son.
Oh, thank you, Cousin Larry.
Oh, well...
...thank you.
‐Bye, Balki. ‐Bye, Uncle Walter.
Bye, son.
Goodbye, dad.
Balki, I want to thank you
for making me have that talk with my dad.
Ah, cousin.
Now, you Mypiots may not have
television or radio
or indoor plumbing
but you really know how to talk to each other.
There isn’t that much else to do.
You know, it’s like we always say on Mypos
"A few well‐chosen words with a loved one
"are worth more than the picture
"that came with the frame
even if that picture is Olivia Newton‐John."
Words to live by.
I’ll tell you what?
Let’s just relax for the rest of the weekend.
Hey, great idea.
What do you say we go get two towels
go down to the basement and take a dip?
I’ll call the girls?
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[music continues]