[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ And my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stop me now ♪
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
I can’t believe this is happening.
Jennifer’s father comes to town...
...it’s my big chance to impress him
and I slam the taxi door on his hand.
Well, cousin, look on the bright side.
Maybe the pain in his hand will make him forget
you set his necktie on fire.
I was just trying to light his after‐dinner cigar.
A‐and I put the fire out.
Well, that’s true.
Throwing that glass of red wine on him
was real quick thinking.
I knew I should have ordered white wine.
Jennifer and her father are on their way up.
I think his hand’s okay.
But he tripped over your bike on the stairs.
Why are we stopping here?
Can’t we just go upstairs?
Mr. Lyons, I‐I am so sorry.
I am just so, so sorry.
[stammering] Uh, uh, put your hand in this ice.
‐Ah! ‐I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I‐I‐I just wish there was something I could do.
Larry. Larry, relax.
Accidents do happen.
Just usually not with this frequency.
Uh, hey, everyone.
I think it might be time for dessert.
It’s an old family recipe.
Stuki mookie ping pong.
Stewed prunes with lucky charms.
Can I tempt you?
No, thanks. I’m cutting down.
Can we go now?
I just wanna get up in the morning
and play a little golf.
Golf?
You play golf?
Well, that’s great! I play golf too.
You play golf?
Yeah, I’m a terrific golfer.
Why don’t we put together a foursome?
Larry, you play golf?
Fine. We’ll play Saturday morning.
Now, can we go?
It’s been a very strenuous evening.
‐Bye. ‐Goodnight.
Thanks for the stuki mookie ping pong.
Gee, Larry, I didn’t know you played golf.
[instrumental music]
Balki...look at this.
‐What do you think? ‐I love it.
Absolutely love it.
What is it?
It’s called the Swing Doctor.
See, the ball is attached to a computer
that analyzes your golf swing
and tells you exactly how far
and in what direction you hit the ball.
Hold the phone book.
Are you still trying to convince me you can golf?
[sighs] Balki, I can play golf.
‐Here. Come on. Watch this. ‐Oh, ho, ho, ho.
(Swing Doctor) ’Two hundred and forty yards’
’straight down the fairway.’
(Swing Doctor) Excellent shot.
It talks.
And it says that you’re a good golfer.
Well, don’t that turn my brown eyes blue.
Cousin, I owe you an apology.
‐I’m sorry. ‐That’s okay, Balki.
Cousin, can I play with the doctor of swing?
Uh, sure, be my guest.
Boy, this is lighter than what we use on Mypos.
You have golf on Mypos?
Well, we have bang bong poki noki waki yahoo.
"Bang bong poki noki waki yahoo?"
Yeah, it’s played with fence posts and jagged rocks.
Cousin.
[clears throat]
Bang bong poki noki waka waka‐‐
Alright, h‐h‐hold it, hold it, hold it.
What are you doing?
I’m winding up my waka waka.
Balki.
This isn’t bang bong poki noki waki yahoo.
This is golf.
If you’re gonna play golf
you might as well do it right.
Here. Now.
Golf is played with a very loose
relaxed and graceful swing.
Alright?
Now, grasp the club lightly like this.
Okay?
Take an easy stance.
Stay loose on your feet.
Alright.
Lock your elbows.
Lock your wrists.
Lock your knees.
Lock your neck.
Okay, go ahead, take a swing.
(Swing Doctor) Nine yards to the left.
(Swing Doctor) You could throw it further.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say
don’t say anything at all.
Besides, I’m going to do better on Saturday.
Saturday?
That’s when we go golfing with Jennifer and her papa.
Uh, I, I‐I’m sorry.
I‐I‐I wasn’t planning on asking you to play with us.
Why not?
What I need is a partner who can...golf.
Oh. Well, okay.
I understand.
But if you ever need someone to play
bang bong poki noki waki yahoo, you will call me?
You’ll be the first.
Just remember, you need 28 players on each team.
[knocking on door]
Oh, Jennifer. Come on in.
Hi, um, Larry, I wanted to talk to you
about the golf game on Saturday.
I know. You think I lied about being able to play golf.
I happen to be an excellent golfer.
You mean, you didn’t lie about this?
No.
I was counting on you lying about this.
But this is the one time I don’t have to lie.
I’m good.
Why is this so hard for everyone to accept?
Larry, my father is a very bad golfer
and a very bad loser.
Now, if you beat him at golf
well, it’ll be...even worse than last night if...
...if that’s possible.
Oh, well, then it’s simple.
I won’t beat him.
Thank you, Larry.
But I really am good.
Well, now all we need is a really terrible golfer
to play with us. Do you know anyone?
‐Hi, Jennifer. ‐Hi.
I think I can come up with someone.
[instrumental music]
Wow!
This is some pasture.
I wonder how they get the sheep to eat the grass so evenly.
Larry, why don’t you tee off first?
Sure.
Don’t make it too obvious.
Don’t worry, I can make a golf ball do anything.
I guess I got under it again.
Thought I solved that problem.
Apparently not.
That’s one stroke.
Boy, you are good.
That’s one of the worst shots I ever saw.
Thank you.
[clears throat]
Rotten tee!
It’s much too low for me.
But excellent form, sir. Really nice.
Balki, you’re up.
Waka waka waka
waka waka yahoo!
What the hell was that?
Offhand, I’d say 260 yards
straight down the middle of the fairway.
It’s been nice dating you, Larry.
Quite a shot, Balki.
Thank you very much.
Just what is your handicap?
Mostly the accent.
[instrumental music]
Balki...
...in the apartment you were terrible.
Out here you’re hitting the ball a mile. What happened?
Well, cousin, you know after the other day
when I struck out with the Swing Doctor
I took some private time
and I came to a concussion.
I really stink at American golf.
Now, on the other hand
I’m not one to blow my own nose
but...I’m pretty terrific
at bang bong poki noki waki yahoo.
So I decided to just do what comes naturally
even if, as you say, it makes me look like
I’ve been struck by lightning.
Balki...
...you’re beating Mr. Lyons.
Well, it would be hard not to.
‐Mr. Lyons is our guest. ‐I know that.
It is against the rules... to beat the guest.
‐Oh, why you didn’t tell me? ‐Well, I assumed you knew.
[imitating Larry] No, I didn’t know.
Well, you know, I personally would never say this.
But there are those who would call
what you’re doing...
...cheating.
Cousin, I, I, I have never cheated in my life.
‐I know. ‐Ever.
I know, Balki, that’s why I just wanted
to point it out to you.
Cousin, I don’t want to cheat Mr. Lyons.
I don’t want to cheat anybody.
Alright, what you have to do
is just continue to hit the ball
as far and as hard as you can...
...but don’t get it anywhere near the hole...
...until you’ve hit it 10 or 11 times.
‐Like Mr. Lyons is doing? ‐Yes. Yes.
Exactly like Mr. Lyons is doing.
And then everything will be okay?
Then everyone will be happy.
Thank you for the tip, cousin.
I will do my best to do my worst.
[instrumental music]
Waka waka waka
waka waka waka yahoo.
Seven.
Waka waka waka
waka waka waka.
Yahoo.
Eight.
(Larry) Don’t overdo it.
Waka waka waka
waka waka waka.
Ya‐hoo.
Oops.
What’s the score now, Larry?
Well...let’s see.
You and your dad are just one stroke behind.
Uh, gee, Mr. Lyons, looks like Balki and I
just fell apart on the back nine.
Well, don’t be too hard on yourself, Larry.
Better players than you have choked
when I put the pressure on.
Great shot, dad!
Yes, great shot, Mr. Lyons.
I could play better when I was six.
Guys, thanks for doing this for me.
Oh, don’t mention it.
Don’t worry, I won’t.
If dad knew that you cheated and lost on purpose
he’d be very upset.
Thanks.
Well, hey, my shot. Ahem.
Cousin, may I have a private word with you?
Not now, Balki. I have a putt to miss.
Cousin, you told me I was cheating by winning.
Instead, I’ve been cheating by losing.
You made me a cheating loser.
Which, when you think about it, is really stupid.
But it’s for a good cause.
After I miss this next putt
Mr. Lyons will love me.
Now, let me play.
Well, he won’t be loving the real you.
The Larry Appleton who loves raindrops on roses
and whiskers on kittens.
Think about it, cousin.
Someday you may marry Jennifer.
What are you going to do?
Play bad golf the rest of your life?
I could live with that.
Well, it’s not going to stop with golf.
So, I lose a few hands of bridge
throw a game of checkers
take a dive at Pictionary.
Big deal.
Come on, Larry, it’s all riding on this last putt.
If you miss it, I win.
Cousin.
This, this reminds me of something
that once happened on Mypos.
Every Friday, Devo the Butcher used to give free soup bones
to all the widows in the village.
So, every Friday Uncle Thriftos
used to dress up as a widow to get free soup bones.
Everything was fine until the butcher
fell in love with him
and asked him to go out dancing.
Well, after one date
Uncle Thriftos decided he had to give up soup
change his name and move to another village.
Is there a point to this?
Well, of course there is, don’t be ridiculous.
Cousin, you can pretend to be someone else
and get free soup bones.
But sooner or later
you have to dance with the butcher.
Go ahead, Larry.
Way to go, cousin!
I’m proud of you.
Larry, you won.
I just don’t know you anymore.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Balki, um, is Larry home?
No, but I expect him any minute.
I, uh...
...I want to apologize.
Oh‐h‐h.
I accept.
Balki, he wants to apologize to Larry.
Oh.
Dad and I had a long talk
about his temper on the golf course.
And I admitted that I asked Larry to lose
so dad wouldn’t get angry.
I really feel awful about this.
I mean, I hope Larry will forgive me.
Jennifer, Mr. Lyons.
Larry, I have something to say to you.
Well, I have something I wanna say to you.
There’s something that’s been really bugging me
and I have to get it off my chest.
No, you don’t, cousin.
Yes, I have to say this.
Well, you know, I don’t think you‐‐
Balki. Balki‐‐
‐Listen to him, Larry. Really‐‐ ‐We should just sit down and‐‐
Balki, please. Please! Please!
Just let me do this!
Mr. Lyons, I‐I was gonna let you win at golf
because I...like your daughter.
Super. Anyone for coffee?
Balki.
Please.
I could have beaten the socks off you
but I‐I wanted you to like me.
And now I realize that what you think of me
shouldn’t be so important.
What is important is what Jennifer thinks of me
and what I think of me.
Frankly, sir, I think you’re
a pompous old duffer
who couldn’t putt his way out of a paper bag.
Are you finished now?
Yeah, I think that about covers it.
Now what did you wanna say?
I wanted to apologize to you.
You couldn’t try to stop me?
Cousin, wild turkeys couldn’t stop you.
Larry, I deserved all that.
Somewhere along the line I seem to have
lost sight of the fact that golf
is supposed to be fun.
I’m sorry I acted like a pompous old duffer.
Well...
...golf does strange things to people.
It certainly does to me.
Look, next time...
...let’s play for real.
Alright, I’d like that.
It was nice meeting you, Balki.
You really know your way around a golf course.
Well, thank you very much
but it’s really not that difficult.
All the holes are numbered.
I’ll have to look for that next time.
[laughing]
Well, goodbye, everybody.
See you upstairs, Jen.
Goodbye, sir.
Oh, I’m proud of you, Larry.
It was wonderful the way you stood up to my father.
I could call your mother and give her a piece of my mind.
That’s okay, Larry.
Well, I’ll, um... see you tomorrow.
‐Bye‐bye. ‐Bye, Balki.
Bye.
Cousin, you did the right thing.
Well, thanks, Balki.
I finally realized that...
...honesty is the best policy.
Well, then maybe a little bit of me
is rubbing off on you.
You know, this...truth stuff
works like gangbusters.
I mean, women really go for it.
[theme music]
[music continues]