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[theme music]

2
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:15,215
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

3
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♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

4
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♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

5
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♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

6
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♪ No matter
what the odds are this time ♪

7
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♪ Nothing’s going
to stand in my way ♪

8
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♪ This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend ♪

9
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♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

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♪ Standing tall ♪

11
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♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

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♪ Rise and fall ♪

13
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♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

14
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♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

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♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ Aah ♪

16
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♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

17
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♪ And nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪

18
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[music continues]

19
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[instrumental music]

20
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♪ Lemon tree very pretty ♪

21
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♪ And the lemon
flower is sweet ♪

22
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♪ But the fruit of the poor
lemon is impossible to eat ♪

23
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Phew! What a day!

24
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Wow!

25
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:42,769
Well, as I was about to say...

26
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...TGIF.

27
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‐You know what that means?
‐Well, of course I do.

28
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Don’t be ridiculous! TGIF.

29
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Two goats in Fresno!

30
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‐Thank God it’s Friday.
‐You can say that again.

31
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What does that have to do
with two goats in Fresno?

32
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Hi, guys!

33
00:02:05,992 --> 00:02:10,463
Well, all I can say
after a week like this is TGIF.

34
00:02:10,496 --> 00:02:12,432
Thank God it’s Friday.

35
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,803
Ooh!

36
00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:20,674
Oh, well, well then, then,
in that case Miss Lydia, uh...

37
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:24,611
All I can say is HAYM.

38
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,580
Here’s all your mail!

39
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Where do I come up with them?

40
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,824
I don’t know!

41
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:40,426
Oh, look, another
letter from Channel 8.

42
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,529
These people just never give up!

43
00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,765
They’re still trying to get me
to do my own television show.

44
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:47,901
You’ve been offered
your own TV show?

45
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:49,469
‐That’s Incredible!
‐’No, cousin.’

46
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,738
"That’s Incredible"
was canceled. Try to keep up.

47
00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:55,642
Channel 8 wants me to do
a pilot for a TV version

48
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:58,278
of my advice column,
but, uh, I turned ’em down.

49
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:00,714
‐You turned ’em down?
‐Why?

50
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:04,951
Well, I have one
tiny little fear.

51
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:07,921
I‐it doesn’t have anything to do
with wool chiggers, does it?

52
00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:12,993
I just see them
little babies and I just...

53
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,195
I just get the hobie jobies.

54
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:18,699
Uh, no, no.

55
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:22,803
I am terrified
of television ca...meras.

56
00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,873
When I was six years old
my mother forced me to appear

57
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:31,211
on a TV show with
Miss Terry’s Tapping Tulips.

58
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,617
I was fine
until they rolled out the...

59
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,619
...cameras.

60
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All I remember is that lens...

61
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,890
...moving closer and closer...

62
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:47,594
an unfeeling,
unblinking eye staring

63
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:50,897
deeper and deeper
into my brain!

64
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,867
Hey, hey! It’s okay,
it’s okay! It’s okay.

65
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:54,935
‐Okay?
‐It’s okay.

66
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,036
‐Okay.
‐It’s okay.

67
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,871
‐Sorry.
‐It’s okay.

68
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,341
Anyway, my knees locked...

69
00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,476
...my face froze...

70
00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,378
...and Herbie
the Clown had to carry

71
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:09,683
my teeny weeny
little body from the stage.

72
00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:12,485
I...I‐I can’t believe this.

73
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:13,987
It’s true.

74
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:15,956
You met Herbie the Clown?

75
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,761
Lydia, you can’t pass up
the opportunity

76
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,863
to have your very own TV show
because of something

77
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,866
that happened
a long, long, long time ago!

78
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,968
It wasn’t that long ago, Larry.

79
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,404
To this day
I’m deathly afraid of...

80
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:32,973
[no audio]

81
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,675
(Balki)
’Cameras.’

82
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:37,443
I can’t even face the security
monitor at the bank.

83
00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:40,013
I always have to use
the drive‐up teller.

84
00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:42,583
Well, Miss Lydia,
they have cameras there, too.

85
00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,320
‐They do?
‐Well, well, yeah.

86
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They‐they put them way up high
but they can z‐o‐o‐om...

87
00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:50,857
[shrieking]

88
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‐It’s okay.
‐Okay.

89
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,059
‐It’s okay.
‐Okay.

90
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,761
‐It’s okay.
‐Okay.

91
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,462
I am gonna call Channel 8

92
00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:59,533
and tell them
to stop bothering me and then...

93
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:02,536
...I’m gonna learn
how to bank by mail.

94
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:05,706
Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.

95
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,808
Your own TV show?

96
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,610
Fame? Fortune?

97
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,411
Picture it, Lydia.

98
00:05:11,444 --> 00:05:13,780
You start with
a local television show.

99
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:16,382
It catches on in Chicago
like wildfire.

100
00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:18,051
Everyone wants to talk to you.

101
00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:20,754
You’re meeting Barbara Walters
for dinner at the Pump Room

102
00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:22,488
’to discuss
your upcoming interview.’

103
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:23,924
Barbara Walters?

104
00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:26,359
The maitre d’
recognizes you immediately

105
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:27,260
and gives you the best table.

106
00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:29,863
You’re sitting
next to celebrities...

107
00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:31,832
Is John Davidson there?

108
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:35,602
‐Maybe.
‐Oo‐h‐h‐h!

109
00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:40,974
Across the room

110
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,143
the rest of the 20‐20 news team

111
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,011
they smile, wave you over.

112
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:48,081
They want to do an entire show
about you and do you know why?

113
00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:50,784
Because she’s sitting
next to John Davidson!

114
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,891
Because you didn’t pass up
the opportunity

115
00:05:57,924 --> 00:06:00,627
to have your very own
television show.

116
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,698
I am gonna call the station now

117
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:07,634
and tell them
they’ve got themselves a deal.

118
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,904
♪ Da da da‐da‐da
da‐da‐da da da ♪

119
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:18,011
I am going to make
that woman a star.

120
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:18,879
I got that part

121
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,847
but what I really
want to know is...

122
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,983
...when is this dinner
with John Davidson?

123
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:27,153
[instrumental music]

124
00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:33,627
[knocking on door]

125
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:47,541
[knocking continues]

126
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,219
Balki, Larry, I can’t do it!

127
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,821
I can’t do it!
Don’t make me do it!

128
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,989
Please, please,
don’t make me do it!

129
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,863
Are you on your way to a party?

130
00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:13,166
Lydia, it’s 3 a. m.,
is something wrong?

131
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,636
Yes, there’s something wrong.

132
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:17,137
Oh, well come on, Miss Lydia.

133
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:20,206
You come sit down
and tell us all about it.

134
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,909
You tell your Uncle Balki
and your Uncle Cousin.

135
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,882
I have been up
all night worrying.

136
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:31,184
I want to do the show
tomorrow night but I can’t.

137
00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:34,821
I just can’t face
the cameras, Larry.

138
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:38,491
Well, then, don’t do it.
Goodnight, Miss Lydia.

139
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:40,460
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.

140
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:44,831
This is just a case of nerves.

141
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,667
You’ll get over it.

142
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:49,002
I don’t think so. I know me.

143
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:52,706
Once I see the cameras
my mind will go blank.

144
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:54,508
And when the audience
asks me questions

145
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:56,843
I won’t be able to
think of anything to say!

146
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,178
I’ll be humiliated.

147
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,547
Cousin, you know,
she, she has a point.

148
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,983
Not everyone should have
their own television show.

149
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,486
Look at McLean Stevenson.

150
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,793
Miss Lydia,
if people want your advice

151
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,128
they just have
to read your column.

152
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,964
Balki, that’s it!
That’s a great idea!

153
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:22,002
Well, it’s not like coming up
with the cordless shaver.

154
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,804
I simply stated the obvious.

155
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,139
‐And stated it beautifully.
‐Oh, I don’t know.

156
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,874
‐Beautifully! Yes, you did.
‐Well, really?

157
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,175
‐No, I...
‐Yes, you did.

158
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,611
‐No, I didn’t.
‐Yes, you did!

159
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:32,012
Balki and I
can memorize questions

160
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:35,248
from your old columns
and ask them from the audience!

161
00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:36,950
That way you won’t
have to think of the answers

162
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,585
you’ll already know them.

163
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,020
And that’ll give you
the confidence to forget

164
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,154
about the cameras
and get through

165
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,123
the rest
of the show on your own.

166
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:45,091
No, I didn’t say that.

167
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,262
I‐I‐I was saying

168
00:08:49,295 --> 00:08:51,765
don’t do the TV show

169
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:54,701
do do the column.

170
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:55,869
I‐in other words...

171
00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:58,739
...that’s a don’t do
on the TV show...

172
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:01,775
...and a do do on the column.

173
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,947
Okay, it wasn’t your idea.
It was mine.

174
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,715
What do you think
of my plan, Lydia?

175
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:11,151
I think it’s wonderful!

176
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:14,220
You know, I don’t think
I say his often enough, Larry...

177
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:16,189
...but you are brilliant!

178
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:22,295
I don’t think
you’ve ever said that.

179
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:26,032
I feel calmer
and more relaxed already.

180
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,134
Thanks so much for dropping by.

181
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:33,006
Uh, Lydia...

182
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:35,308
...we live here.

183
00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:37,711
Oh, of course you do.

184
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,713
Oh, this couldn’t be my place.

185
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,082
Not with that couch.
Goodnight, boys.

186
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,221
Cousin...

187
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,223
...what’s wrong with our couch?

188
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,293
The salesman said...

189
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,261
...it had my name on it.

190
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:00,366
I never did find it.

191
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,110
It’s hidden in the pattern.

192
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,950
Cousin, now...

193
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,219
...Miss Lydia keeps saying
that she don’t want to do

194
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,788
the TV show and you keep
changing her mind.

195
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,223
Why you do that?

196
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:26,860
Balki, I can’t let her
miss this opportunity.

197
00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:28,995
I am not going to let her
end up regretting...

198
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,897
...what would have been,
could have been

199
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:34,234
should have been,
while that Bunky McDermott

200
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:37,804
is out there living a life
that should have been mine!

201
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,145
We’re talking
about you now, aren’t we?

202
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:47,113
‐Yes.
‐Yes.

203
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,149
‐Yes! We are talking about me.
‐Yes. Yes.

204
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,151
And do you know why?

205
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,088
[no audio]

206
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,025
Because of this!

207
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,863
Your pants?

208
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,999
No. No.
Not the pants. This!

209
00:11:06,032 --> 00:11:09,970
I have been
carrying this since 1985!

210
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,872
"Young Man on the Move."

211
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,374
But not just
any young man on the move.

212
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:18,278
"Bunky McDermott
young man on the move!"

213
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:19,379
‐Question.
‐Yes?

214
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,782
Who is Bunky McDermott?

215
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:23,784
And why do we care how he moves?

216
00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:28,989
Bunky McDermott
was the president

217
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,423
of my high school chess club.

218
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:33,159
I should have been president!
I was elected!

219
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:36,129
But I declined because I was
afraid of the responsibility.

220
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,031
So Bunky took over.

221
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:40,801
And then, at the convention
of the chess club presidents

222
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,302
he met the beautiful
Bryn Bramwell.

223
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,237
He married her.

224
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:47,908
Her father made him president
of Bramwell Industries.

225
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,443
Today he is one
of the wealthiest men

226
00:11:50,476 --> 00:11:52,045
in the country.

227
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,781
You mean Bunky and Bryn

228
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:57,751
are basking in the bosom
of Bramwell’s big bucks?

229
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:04,991
Basically.

230
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,862
But if I had Bunky’s bravado

231
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,363
I’d be basking
with Bryn in the bosom

232
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,365
of those big
Bramwell bucks, buddy!

233
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,770
Boy.

234
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:20,373
Now do you see why
Lydia has to do this?

235
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:23,009
Cousin, I don’t see why
she has to do a TV show

236
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,745
let alone play chess!

237
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,848
She doesn’t have to play chess.

238
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,115
Well, at least
you’re letting that go.

239
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,017
‐Oh, why me?
‐It’s progress.

240
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,519
‐Why me?
‐That’s progress.

241
00:12:32,553 --> 00:12:35,388
Balki, Lydia wants
to do a TV show!

242
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:36,557
Oh, is that so?

243
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:38,391
Then how come every time
she talks about it

244
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:39,960
she gets so upset?

245
00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,027
Jitters!

246
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,295
[gasps]
Where? Where!

247
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,831
I hate those little bugs!

248
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,833
Balki! Balki! Balki. Balki.

249
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,137
Not chiggers.

250
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:53,974
‐No?
‐No.

251
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,075
Jitters.

252
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,142
[sighs]

253
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,845
She’ll get over it!

254
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,881
Well, even if she do get over it

255
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,282
I don’t think she want to do it.

256
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,150
I think you’re just
making her do it

257
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,152
because of this Bunky
in your pants.

258
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,523
I am doing this
because I don’t want her

259
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,157
to make the same mistake I did.

260
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,226
Well, be that as that may be

261
00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:15,128
I’m going down
to that studio with her

262
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:16,963
and the first time
I hear her say

263
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,999
[imitates Lydia]
"I don’t wanna do this, Larry!"

264
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:20,567
I’m taking her home

265
00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:23,570
[instrumental music]

266
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:38,351
I still don’t understand.

267
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:41,988
If it’s called "Lydia Live,"
why isn’t it live?

268
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:45,491
Mary Anne, this is a pilot
for a television show.

269
00:13:45,526 --> 00:13:47,227
Now that means if this goes well

270
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,229
then the real show will be live.

271
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,065
Oh, you mean if it tests well

272
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:54,067
and the demographics are good
they’ll give it a short order

273
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:56,002
with a series of options
and Lydia could find herself

274
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:58,238
in the middle of a very handsome
syndication package.

275
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,145
I was once in an elevator
with Ted Turner.

276
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:10,283
I’m gonna go make sure
Lydia is okay before the show.

277
00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:12,185
I’m going to go
make sure Lydia is okay

278
00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:14,154
after she talks to Cousin Larry.

279
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:17,190
[indistinct chattering]

280
00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,231
Lydia?

281
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:27,033
You look great.

282
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,002
‐How’s everything going?
‐’Fine.’

283
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,370
Fine.

284
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:31,638
I’m fine.

285
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:33,874
Everything’s fine.

286
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:38,512
She sounds a little
too fine, cousin.

287
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:41,515
Don’t be silly, she’s loving
every minute of it!

288
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:45,586
Uh, we’re ready
when you are, Miss Markham.

289
00:14:45,619 --> 00:14:47,554
‐Am I ready Larry?
‐Yes, you are.

290
00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:51,391
We’d better take our seats.

291
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,159
Lydia?

292
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:54,561
Have fun with it.

293
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,234
(male #1)
’Tape is rolling!’

294
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,537
(male #2 on PA)
’Live from our studios
in the Pfister Building’

295
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,271
’in downtown Chicago’

296
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,674
’It’s time for your favorite
advice columnist’

297
00:15:07,708 --> 00:15:10,410
’the lady who’s never
at a loss for words...’

298
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:13,113
’...h‐e‐e‐ere’s Lydia!

299
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,081
[audience clapping]

300
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:20,186
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Lydia Markham

301
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:22,723
and welcome to "Lydia Live."

302
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,490
[audience clapping]

303
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,561
What did I tell you
she’s a natural.

304
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:32,298
I’m gonna start off
today’s show by say‐i‐i‐ing...

305
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,269
By say‐i‐i‐ing...

306
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:40,574
Get away from me.

307
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,043
Go on! Get away! Get...

308
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,045
[screaming]

309
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,053
Wow! She does her own stunts.

310
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,056
[instrumental music]

311
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:58,291
Miss Markham? Are you okay?

312
00:15:58,324 --> 00:16:00,561
Am I okay?
I’m breathing in a bag!

313
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:03,697
She’s fine. She’s fine.

314
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:07,568
It’s just an acting technique.
She uses it to clear her head.

315
00:16:07,601 --> 00:16:09,570
Okay, uh, we’ll start
as soon as you’re ready.

316
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:15,175
Come on, Miss Lydia,
I packed all your things.

317
00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:16,442
We’re going home now.

318
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,578
‐Come on...
‐Whoa! Wait a minute.

319
00:16:17,611 --> 00:16:20,013
Wait, wait, wait!

320
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:22,015
Nobody’s going anywhere.

321
00:16:22,048 --> 00:16:23,550
Cousin, you said
that if Miss Lydia

322
00:16:23,584 --> 00:16:26,219
didn’t want to do the show
we could take her home.

323
00:16:26,252 --> 00:16:27,253
I promised if she said

324
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:30,223
"I don’t want to
do the show, <i>Larry!"</i>

325
00:16:30,256 --> 00:16:31,592
Then I’d take her home.

326
00:16:31,625 --> 00:16:34,795
But she still wants to do
the show, don’t you, Lydia?

327
00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:37,130
I don’t want to do
the show Larry!

328
00:16:37,531 --> 00:16:38,732
Uh‐ha!

329
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,368
She didn’t mean it. She’s fine.

330
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:46,372
Cousin, how can you say
she’s fine? Look at her.

331
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:47,808
Her eyes are bloodshot

332
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:50,410
her face is losing color
and she’s retaining water.

333
00:16:53,714 --> 00:16:56,783
It’s just a minor case
of stage fright.

334
00:16:56,817 --> 00:16:59,385
She can get through it.

335
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:02,155
No she can’t
and she don’t have to!

336
00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:04,357
Yes, she does.

337
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:06,593
‐No, she don’t.
‐Yes, she does!

338
00:17:06,627 --> 00:17:08,228
‐No, she don’t!
‐Yes, she does!

339
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,063
‐No, she don’t!
‐Okay, she don’t!

340
00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:11,565
‐She don’t?
‐’No, she don’t.’

341
00:17:16,670 --> 00:17:18,505
She shouldn’t have to do it
if she doesn’t want to do it.

342
00:17:18,539 --> 00:17:20,674
Come on, Lydia,
why don’t you sit down

343
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,810
over here while Balki
and I go get the car?

344
00:17:23,844 --> 00:17:25,145
‐Come on, Balki.
‐No, cousin I‐‐

345
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:26,246
‐Let’s go get the car.
‐Cousin, I‐‐

346
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,381
Let’s go get the car.

347
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:30,584
Well, but, cousin,
the‐the parking lot

348
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:31,785
is over that way.

349
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,787
Yes, but I know
a secret shortcut.

350
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,526
I like secrets.

351
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,795
I know you do.

352
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,396
‐Come on, it’s over here.
‐I...

353
00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:46,266
Let me show you. Let me show
you. Come on.

354
00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,068
[indistinct chattering]

355
00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:54,074
[instrumental music]

356
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:00,647
Larry, are you alright?

357
00:18:00,681 --> 00:18:02,415
Oh, everything’s fine.

358
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,385
Where’s Balki?

359
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,788
He’s backstage...resting.

360
00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,527
Larry, are you sure
Lydia can go on?

361
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:14,795
Oh, are you kidding?

362
00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:16,763
She begged me
to let her try again.

363
00:18:18,532 --> 00:18:19,700
(male #1)
’Standby.’

364
00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:22,368
(male #2 on PA)
’H‐e‐e‐ere’s Lydia!’

365
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,337
[audience clapping]

366
00:18:25,806 --> 00:18:27,874
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

367
00:18:27,908 --> 00:18:32,378
My name is Lydia Markham
and welcome to "Lydia Live."

368
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:34,347
[clapping]

369
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:37,884
For many years
I have been a n‐n‐n...

370
00:18:39,185 --> 00:18:42,122
...nationally
syndicated communist.

371
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,927
She’s going down, Larry.

372
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,461
[laughing]
Where is Balki?

373
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,230
He told me
I didn’t have to do this.

374
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:51,464
He told me
that he would take me home!

375
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:52,933
Balki, are you out there?

376
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,334
It’s time to take me home!

377
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,570
[Lydia laughing]

378
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:57,671
(Lydia)
’Oh!’

379
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,374
Oh...

380
00:19:03,544 --> 00:19:05,912
[screams]

381
00:19:05,946 --> 00:19:07,614
Miss Lydia,
you don’t have to do this!

382
00:19:07,648 --> 00:19:09,650
Oh, Balki, thank you.

383
00:19:09,683 --> 00:19:11,618
Thank you, thank you!

384
00:19:12,753 --> 00:19:14,721
I‐is this what
you were wearing earlier?

385
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,458
Balki, w‐what are you doing?

386
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:19,860
Lydia was doing great!

387
00:19:19,893 --> 00:19:21,494
She was just
starting to warm up.

388
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,930
What do you say, Lydia?
One more try?

389
00:19:23,964 --> 00:19:25,632
Drop dead, Larry.

390
00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:29,736
Balki, I want you
to take me home.

391
00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:33,874
[instrumental music]

392
00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,648
I’m still getting
her answering machine.

393
00:19:41,682 --> 00:19:44,284
All it says is "This is Lydia
Markham. I’m not here right now.

394
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,787
I’m on a remote island
where there are no c‐a‐aameras."

395
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:53,226
Do you think
she’ll ever forgive me?

396
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:56,730
Well, I forgave you
for taping me up like King Toot.

397
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,835
Good morning, everyone.

398
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:04,838
Oh, Lydia. Lydia,
I am so very sorry.

399
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,507
I am so, so sorry.

400
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:08,575
I should never have
forced you to do something

401
00:20:08,609 --> 00:20:10,310
you didn’t want to do.

402
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:11,645
Can you ever forgive me?

403
00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:14,548
Larry, dear, please, relax.

404
00:20:14,581 --> 00:20:17,283
I forgive you.
I’m over it, really.

405
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:18,519
You are?

406
00:20:18,552 --> 00:20:20,420
Let’s just put this behind us.

407
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:22,856
It was a bad
experience but...

408
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,591
...I’m stronger because of it.

409
00:20:29,530 --> 00:20:31,464
[screams]

410
00:20:34,968 --> 00:20:36,770
I think I’ll take the stairs.

411
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,471
I need the exercise.

412
00:20:46,747 --> 00:20:48,682
Balki...

413
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:51,918
...how could I
have gotten so carried away?

414
00:20:51,952 --> 00:20:54,621
Well, cousin, you do get
plenty of practice at it.

415
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,592
But I really meant well!

416
00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:00,493
I only wanted
to spare her the pain

417
00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:03,597
of a missed opportunity
and a life of regret.

418
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:04,865
Like mine.

419
00:21:05,799 --> 00:21:06,867
Uh‐oh.

420
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,771
We’re back
to Binky McDinky, aren’t we?

421
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:14,875
Bunky McDermott

422
00:21:14,908 --> 00:21:18,378
became president
of my high school chess club

423
00:21:18,411 --> 00:21:20,581
and one of the wealthiest men
in the country.

424
00:21:20,614 --> 00:21:23,483
He took an opportunity
that should have been mine

425
00:21:23,517 --> 00:21:25,852
and he is living a life
that I should be living.

426
00:21:25,886 --> 00:21:27,087
Now, wait a minute.

427
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,556
What is wrong
with Larry Appleton’s life?

428
00:21:29,590 --> 00:21:32,058
Aren’t you doing a job
you’ve always wanted to do?

429
00:21:33,594 --> 00:21:34,761
Yes.

430
00:21:34,795 --> 00:21:36,863
And don’t you have
wonderful friends?

431
00:21:36,897 --> 00:21:37,864
Yes.

432
00:21:37,898 --> 00:21:40,333
And aren’t you dating
the girl of your dreams?

433
00:21:40,366 --> 00:21:41,635
Oh, yes.

434
00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:43,036
Well, from where I’m standing

435
00:21:43,069 --> 00:21:46,773
you look like Larry Appleton,
young man on the move.

436
00:21:46,807 --> 00:21:49,776
[instrumental music]

437
00:21:50,944 --> 00:21:53,013
I am doing pretty well,
aren’t I?

438
00:21:53,046 --> 00:21:57,017
Cousin, I think it’s time
you said bye bye to Boinki.

439
00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:00,320
Come on, get him out here.

440
00:22:01,722 --> 00:22:03,456
Alright. You’re right.

441
00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:06,392
Bunky McDermott...

442
00:22:06,426 --> 00:22:09,362
...I wish you the best
of luck in your life...

443
00:22:09,395 --> 00:22:11,632
but it’s time
to get out of mine.

444
00:22:16,069 --> 00:22:18,471
[laughing]

445
00:22:18,505 --> 00:22:21,708
Balki, I feel released.

446
00:22:22,408 --> 00:22:23,510
Cleansed!

447
00:22:23,544 --> 00:22:24,678
Free!

448
00:22:24,711 --> 00:22:26,680
Do you feel poor?

449
00:22:28,114 --> 00:22:29,516
No, why?

450
00:22:29,550 --> 00:22:31,484
’Cause you just
tore up your paycheck.

451
00:22:32,919 --> 00:22:35,856
[instrumental music]

452
00:22:41,762 --> 00:22:44,364
[theme music]

453
00:23:11,157 --> 00:23:14,127
[music continues]