[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪ ♪ Aah ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s going to stop me now ♪
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
♪ Lemon tree very pretty ♪
♪ And the lemon flower is sweet ♪
♪ But the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat ♪
Phew! What a day!
Wow!
Well, as I was about to say...
...TGIF.
‐You know what that means? ‐Well, of course I do.
Don’t be ridiculous! TGIF.
Two goats in Fresno!
‐Thank God it’s Friday. ‐You can say that again.
What does that have to do with two goats in Fresno?
Hi, guys!
Well, all I can say after a week like this is TGIF.
Thank God it’s Friday.
Ooh!
Oh, well, well then, then, in that case Miss Lydia, uh...
All I can say is HAYM.
Here’s all your mail!
Where do I come up with them?
I don’t know!
Oh, look, another letter from Channel 8.
These people just never give up!
They’re still trying to get me to do my own television show.
You’ve been offered your own TV show?
‐That’s Incredible! ‐’No, cousin.’
"That’s Incredible" was canceled. Try to keep up.
Channel 8 wants me to do a pilot for a TV version
of my advice column, but, uh, I turned ’em down.
‐You turned ’em down? ‐Why?
Well, I have one tiny little fear.
I‐it doesn’t have anything to do with wool chiggers, does it?
I just see them little babies and I just...
I just get the hobie jobies.
Uh, no, no.
I am terrified of television ca...meras.
When I was six years old my mother forced me to appear
on a TV show with Miss Terry’s Tapping Tulips.
I was fine until they rolled out the...
...cameras.
All I remember is that lens...
...moving closer and closer...
an unfeeling, unblinking eye staring
deeper and deeper into my brain!
Hey, hey! It’s okay, it’s okay! It’s okay.
‐Okay? ‐It’s okay.
‐Okay. ‐It’s okay.
‐Sorry. ‐It’s okay.
Anyway, my knees locked...
...my face froze...
...and Herbie the Clown had to carry
my teeny weeny little body from the stage.
I...I‐I can’t believe this.
It’s true.
You met Herbie the Clown?
Lydia, you can’t pass up the opportunity
to have your very own TV show because of something
that happened a long, long, long time ago!
It wasn’t that long ago, Larry.
To this day I’m deathly afraid of...
[no audio]
(Balki) ’Cameras.’
I can’t even face the security monitor at the bank.
I always have to use the drive‐up teller.
Well, Miss Lydia, they have cameras there, too.
‐They do? ‐Well, well, yeah.
They‐they put them way up high but they can z‐o‐o‐om...
[shrieking]
‐It’s okay. ‐Okay.
I am gonna call Channel 8
and tell them to stop bothering me and then...
...I’m gonna learn how to bank by mail.
Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
Your own TV show?
Fame? Fortune?
Picture it, Lydia.
You start with a local television show.
It catches on in Chicago like wildfire.
Everyone wants to talk to you.
You’re meeting Barbara Walters for dinner at the Pump Room
’to discuss your upcoming interview.’
Barbara Walters?
The maitre d’ recognizes you immediately
and gives you the best table.
You’re sitting next to celebrities...
Is John Davidson there?
‐Maybe. ‐Oo‐h‐h‐h!
Across the room
the rest of the 20‐20 news team
they smile, wave you over.
They want to do an entire show about you and do you know why?
Because she’s sitting next to John Davidson!
Because you didn’t pass up the opportunity
to have your very own television show.
I am gonna call the station now
and tell them they’ve got themselves a deal.
♪ Da da da‐da‐da da‐da‐da da da ♪
I am going to make that woman a star.
I got that part
but what I really want to know is...
...when is this dinner with John Davidson?
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
[knocking continues]
Balki, Larry, I can’t do it!
I can’t do it! Don’t make me do it!
Please, please, don’t make me do it!
Are you on your way to a party?
Lydia, it’s 3 a. m., is something wrong?
Yes, there’s something wrong.
Oh, well come on, Miss Lydia.
You come sit down and tell us all about it.
You tell your Uncle Balki and your Uncle Cousin.
I have been up all night worrying.
I want to do the show tomorrow night but I can’t.
I just can’t face the cameras, Larry.
Well, then, don’t do it. Goodnight, Miss Lydia.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
This is just a case of nerves.
You’ll get over it.
I don’t think so. I know me.
Once I see the cameras my mind will go blank.
And when the audience asks me questions
I won’t be able to think of anything to say!
I’ll be humiliated.
Cousin, you know, she, she has a point.
Not everyone should have their own television show.
Look at McLean Stevenson.
Miss Lydia, if people want your advice
they just have to read your column.
Balki, that’s it! That’s a great idea!
Well, it’s not like coming up with the cordless shaver.
I simply stated the obvious.
‐And stated it beautifully. ‐Oh, I don’t know.
‐Beautifully! Yes, you did. ‐Well, really?
‐No, I... ‐Yes, you did.
‐No, I didn’t. ‐Yes, you did!
Balki and I can memorize questions
from your old columns and ask them from the audience!
That way you won’t have to think of the answers
you’ll already know them.
And that’ll give you the confidence to forget
about the cameras and get through
the rest of the show on your own.
No, I didn’t say that.
I‐I‐I was saying
don’t do the TV show
do do the column.
I‐in other words...
...that’s a don’t do on the TV show...
...and a do do on the column.
Okay, it wasn’t your idea. It was mine.
What do you think of my plan, Lydia?
I think it’s wonderful!
You know, I don’t think I say his often enough, Larry...
...but you are brilliant!
I don’t think you’ve ever said that.
I feel calmer and more relaxed already.
Thanks so much for dropping by.
Uh, Lydia...
...we live here.
Oh, of course you do.
Oh, this couldn’t be my place.
Not with that couch. Goodnight, boys.
Cousin...
...what’s wrong with our couch?
The salesman said...
...it had my name on it.
I never did find it.
It’s hidden in the pattern.
Cousin, now...
...Miss Lydia keeps saying that she don’t want to do
the TV show and you keep changing her mind.
Why you do that?
Balki, I can’t let her miss this opportunity.
I am not going to let her end up regretting...
...what would have been, could have been
should have been, while that Bunky McDermott
is out there living a life that should have been mine!
We’re talking about you now, aren’t we?
‐Yes. ‐Yes.
‐Yes! We are talking about me. ‐Yes. Yes.
And do you know why?
[no audio]
Because of this!
Your pants?
No. No. Not the pants. This!
I have been carrying this since 1985!
"Young Man on the Move."
But not just any young man on the move.
"Bunky McDermott young man on the move!"
‐Question. ‐Yes?
Who is Bunky McDermott?
And why do we care how he moves?
Bunky McDermott was the president
of my high school chess club.
I should have been president! I was elected!
But I declined because I was afraid of the responsibility.
So Bunky took over.
And then, at the convention of the chess club presidents
he met the beautiful Bryn Bramwell.
He married her.
Her father made him president of Bramwell Industries.
Today he is one of the wealthiest men
in the country.
You mean Bunky and Bryn
are basking in the bosom of Bramwell’s big bucks?
Basically.
But if I had Bunky’s bravado
I’d be basking with Bryn in the bosom
of those big Bramwell bucks, buddy!
Boy.
Now do you see why Lydia has to do this?
Cousin, I don’t see why she has to do a TV show
let alone play chess!
She doesn’t have to play chess.
Well, at least you’re letting that go.
‐Oh, why me? ‐It’s progress.
‐Why me? ‐That’s progress.
Balki, Lydia wants to do a TV show!
Oh, is that so?
Then how come every time she talks about it
she gets so upset?
Jitters!
[gasps] Where? Where!
I hate those little bugs!
Balki! Balki! Balki. Balki.
Not chiggers.
‐No? ‐No.
Jitters.
[sighs]
She’ll get over it!
Well, even if she do get over it
I don’t think she want to do it.
I think you’re just making her do it
because of this Bunky in your pants.
I am doing this because I don’t want her
to make the same mistake I did.
Well, be that as that may be
I’m going down to that studio with her
and the first time I hear her say
[imitates Lydia] "I don’t wanna do this, Larry!"
I’m taking her home
[instrumental music]
I still don’t understand.
If it’s called "Lydia Live," why isn’t it live?
Mary Anne, this is a pilot for a television show.
Now that means if this goes well
then the real show will be live.
Oh, you mean if it tests well
and the demographics are good they’ll give it a short order
with a series of options and Lydia could find herself
in the middle of a very handsome syndication package.
I was once in an elevator with Ted Turner.
I’m gonna go make sure Lydia is okay before the show.
I’m going to go make sure Lydia is okay
after she talks to Cousin Larry.
[indistinct chattering]
Lydia?
You look great.
‐How’s everything going? ‐’Fine.’
Fine.
I’m fine.
Everything’s fine.
She sounds a little too fine, cousin.
Don’t be silly, she’s loving every minute of it!
Uh, we’re ready when you are, Miss Markham.
‐Am I ready Larry? ‐Yes, you are.
We’d better take our seats.
Lydia?
Have fun with it.
(male #1) ’Tape is rolling!’
(male #2 on PA) ’Live from our studios in the Pfister Building’
’in downtown Chicago’
’It’s time for your favorite advice columnist’
’the lady who’s never at a loss for words...’
’...h‐e‐e‐ere’s Lydia!
[audience clapping]
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Lydia Markham
and welcome to "Lydia Live."
[audience clapping]
What did I tell you she’s a natural.
I’m gonna start off today’s show by say‐i‐i‐ing...
By say‐i‐i‐ing...
Get away from me.
Go on! Get away! Get...
[screaming]
Wow! She does her own stunts.
[instrumental music]
Miss Markham? Are you okay?
Am I okay? I’m breathing in a bag!
She’s fine. She’s fine.
It’s just an acting technique. She uses it to clear her head.
Okay, uh, we’ll start as soon as you’re ready.
Come on, Miss Lydia, I packed all your things.
We’re going home now.
‐Come on... ‐Whoa! Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait!
Nobody’s going anywhere.
Cousin, you said that if Miss Lydia
didn’t want to do the show we could take her home.
I promised if she said
"I don’t want to do the show, Larry!"
Then I’d take her home.
But she still wants to do the show, don’t you, Lydia?
I don’t want to do the show Larry!
Uh‐ha!
She didn’t mean it. She’s fine.
Cousin, how can you say she’s fine? Look at her.
Her eyes are bloodshot
her face is losing color and she’s retaining water.
It’s just a minor case of stage fright.
She can get through it.
No she can’t and she don’t have to!
Yes, she does.
‐No, she don’t. ‐Yes, she does!
‐No, she don’t! ‐Yes, she does!
‐No, she don’t! ‐Okay, she don’t!
‐She don’t? ‐’No, she don’t.’
She shouldn’t have to do it if she doesn’t want to do it.
Come on, Lydia, why don’t you sit down
over here while Balki and I go get the car?
‐Come on, Balki. ‐No, cousin I‐‐
‐Let’s go get the car. ‐Cousin, I‐‐
Let’s go get the car.
Well, but, cousin, the‐the parking lot
is over that way.
Yes, but I know a secret shortcut.
I like secrets.
I know you do.
‐Come on, it’s over here. ‐I...
Let me show you. Let me show you. Come on.
[indistinct chattering]
[instrumental music]
Larry, are you alright?
Oh, everything’s fine.
Where’s Balki?
He’s backstage...resting.
Larry, are you sure Lydia can go on?
Oh, are you kidding?
She begged me to let her try again.
(male #1) ’Standby.’
(male #2 on PA) ’H‐e‐e‐ere’s Lydia!’
[audience clapping]
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Lydia Markham and welcome to "Lydia Live."
[clapping]
For many years I have been a n‐n‐n...
...nationally syndicated communist.
She’s going down, Larry.
[laughing] Where is Balki?
He told me I didn’t have to do this.
He told me that he would take me home!
Balki, are you out there?
It’s time to take me home!
[Lydia laughing]
(Lydia) ’Oh!’
Oh...
[screams]
Miss Lydia, you don’t have to do this!
Oh, Balki, thank you.
Thank you, thank you!
I‐is this what you were wearing earlier?
Balki, w‐what are you doing?
Lydia was doing great!
She was just starting to warm up.
What do you say, Lydia? One more try?
Drop dead, Larry.
Balki, I want you to take me home.
[instrumental music]
I’m still getting her answering machine.
All it says is "This is Lydia Markham. I’m not here right now.
I’m on a remote island where there are no c‐a‐aameras."
Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?
Well, I forgave you for taping me up like King Toot.
Good morning, everyone.
Oh, Lydia. Lydia, I am so very sorry.
I am so, so sorry.
I should never have forced you to do something
you didn’t want to do.
Can you ever forgive me?
Larry, dear, please, relax.
I forgive you. I’m over it, really.
You are?
Let’s just put this behind us.
It was a bad experience but...
...I’m stronger because of it.
[screams]
I think I’ll take the stairs.
I need the exercise.
Balki...
...how could I have gotten so carried away?
Well, cousin, you do get plenty of practice at it.
But I really meant well!
I only wanted to spare her the pain
of a missed opportunity and a life of regret.
Like mine.
Uh‐oh.
We’re back to Binky McDinky, aren’t we?
Bunky McDermott
became president of my high school chess club
and one of the wealthiest men in the country.
He took an opportunity that should have been mine
and he is living a life that I should be living.
Now, wait a minute.
What is wrong with Larry Appleton’s life?
Aren’t you doing a job you’ve always wanted to do?
Yes.
And don’t you have wonderful friends?
Yes.
And aren’t you dating the girl of your dreams?
Oh, yes.
Well, from where I’m standing
you look like Larry Appleton, young man on the move.
[instrumental music]
I am doing pretty well, aren’t I?
Cousin, I think it’s time you said bye bye to Boinki.
Come on, get him out here.
Alright. You’re right.
Bunky McDermott...
...I wish you the best of luck in your life...
but it’s time to get out of mine.
[laughing]
Balki, I feel released.
Cleansed!
Free!
Do you feel poor?
No, why?
’Cause you just tore up your paycheck.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[music continues]