(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect
♪ Nothing to rearrange
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling
♪ Like you need some kind of change
♪ No matter what the odds are this time
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way
♪ This flame in my heart
♪ Like a long lost friend
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end
♪ Standing tall
♪ On the wings of my dream
♪ Rise and fall
♪ On the wings of my dream
♪ The rain and thunder
♪ The wind and haze
♪ I’m bound for better days
♪ It’s my life and my dream
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
BALKI: Okay, Mama, if you thought the parking lot was spectacular
wait until you see what I’m going to show you next.
Because, Mama...
This is where Cousin Larry and I work!
Yes, Mama Bartokomous, this is Cousin Larry’s desk.
And this is his favorite coffee cup.
I gave it to him last Christmas.
This is Cousin Larry’s pencil cup.
And this is Cousin Larry’s typewriter
and this...
Is Cousin Larry!
Don’t you want to just pinch them little cheeks?
Eee‐dee‐dee‐dee.
Where’d you get the camera? Cousin, I rented it.
I’m, I’m going to make a videotape story
of my life for Mama.
I’m the guest of honor at this year’s
Bartokomous family reunion and jamboriki.
You’re going to Mypos? Well, of course, I’m not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
I’m sending this tape in my place.
Everyone will ask, "Is it Balki or is it Memorex?"
Where do I come up with them?
Well, that’s a very nice idea, Balki,
but you have a minor technical problem.
Cousin, I’m way ahead of you.
I have already taken off the lens cap
and I’m looking through the small end.
No, what I mean is, your mama won’t be able to watch this
without a video cassette playback machine.
See, the tape you’re making goes into a machine‐‐
You mean a VCR? Mama has one.
They have VCRs on Mypos?
Well, they have one, Mama rented it from
Vito Vavoomikis Video Land and Sheep Shearing Emporium.
Ah, but does she have a TV set?
Well, I tell you, last fall,
Poknok the peddler came through town
with his donkey all loaded down
with pots and pans and dried herbs
and a 50‐inch rear‐projection TV set.
Mama got it on Poknok’s famous revolving credit plan.
If you don’t pay, he straps you to a windmill.
Well, you’ve got the technology.
What’s your movie about?
I thought I’d just let the camera run for 24 hours
and call it,
"24 hours In The Life Of Balki Bartokomous."
And we’re leaving Cousin Larry
and them pinchable little cheeks.
Eee‐dee‐dee‐dee.
And what do we see? Balki’s workplace.
Mama, this, this is my table.
And this is a letter that’s going to the second floor.
And this is a letter...
Hello, Larry.
Hi, Lydia. Hello, Balki.
Hi, Ms. Lydia.
What have you got there, Balki?
Well, you don’t want to know.
Yes, I do.
Well, it’s, it’s the thing that
frightens you most in the whole world.
You have a copy of my driver’s license photograph?
No, Ms. Lydia, it’s a video camera.
I’m, I’m making a tape of my life to send home to Mama
and I’m having all my friends say hello.
Oh, Balki, don’t worry.
I’ve been working with a therapist.
He taught me a way to overcome my fear of cameras.
It’s a new Russian technique.
I would love to say hello to your mama.
Okay.
Mama, I would like you to meet Ms. Lydia.
She’s the Chronicle’s advice columnist.
Whenever you’re ready, babe.
Hello, Mrs. Bartokomous.
You have a fine son. It’s a pleasure knowing him.
Do you need anything else, Balki?
That’ll do it.
See you later, boys.
You were very good. Thank you.
Okay, Mama, time to watch me work.
Excuse me, Balki.
The film you’re making, is going to give
your mama whiplash and motion sickness.
Uh‐oh, that’s what happened when she rented
Jaws 3‐D and forgot to wear the glasses.
Excuse us, Mama.
You know, I could help you.
I have some experience in filmmaking.
You do?
I was audio‐visual monitor
in grade school for five years.
Well, you live with someone, you think you know them.
I’m sure we could make a film that would make your mama
the proudest woman at the reunion.
Well, cousin, that was my goal.
I think we share a vision.
And we could make that vision a reality.
That is if you want my help.
Oh, I do! I do! I do. What, what, what do we do first?
Well, the first thing we’re gonna do is
get a tape for this thing.
Wow!
You are good.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
LARRY: Okay, here we go.
"A Day In The Life Of Balki Bartokomous."
Are you ready? Yeah, I’m ready.
Good morning, Mama.
(KISSING)
Okay, I just, I want to show you the kitchen.
Mama, you won’t believe the things we have in here.
Cut! Stop. What are you doing?
I’m showing Mama the kitchen.
Balki, this is the breakfast scene.
You’re supposed to come in, grab your cereal
sit down, and have breakfast.
Did you look at the script?
Yeah, where is the part where I show Mama the kitchen?
I cut that part, we were running long.
But I like the part where I show Mama the kitchen.
Balki, it doesn’t move the story.
But I like the part where I show Mama the kitchen.
Okay, we’ll shoot it and deal with it in editing.
Okay, uh, take it from...
"This is our kitchen."
Give me a minute.
This is our kitchen.
And, Mama, you just wouldn’t believe
the things we have in here.
Right in this room, inside our apartment, we have...
Fire. Water.
And you better sit down for this one, Mama...
Winter in a box!
If you had one of these
you wouldn’t have to take your frozen foods
to the top of Mount Mypos.
Well, I guess, I’ll have my breakfast now.
Cut! Hold it. No, no, no.
The cereal’s no good. Let’s go with the bran.
But, cousin, I always eat Sugar Booms on Saturday.
Balki, do you want your mama to think you always have a cereal
loaded with sugar, and lacking in nutritional value?
Well, I‐‐ Don’t you eat bran sometimes?
Well, I, I, I eat bran on Mondays, Wednesdays
and on any day when I feel a bit sluggish.
Well, let’s pretend it’s Monday or Wednesday
or a day you feel a bit sluggish.
Pretending? Ain’t that lying?
No, no, we are making a movie.
We’re filming the highlights of your day, any day.
Could be yesterday, it could be today, it could be tomorrow.
It will be tomorrow at the rate we’re going.
The important thing is to capture
the essence of your life.
And that’s not lying? No, no, it’s filmmaking.
You take a seed of truth,
fertilize it with your imagination,
water it with exaggeration, and voila!
Docudrama!
You mean, like, Saturday Night with Connie Chung?
Exactly. All right, come on. Here we go, here we go.
Over here, all right.
And we’re gonna go with the bran.
All right, now just show your mama
how you eat a nice, nutritious breakfast.
Cut!
Cousin, I, I didn’t finish my breakfast.
We got enough of the breakfast scene.
Okay, now, later on this evening, I’ve arranged
a little get‐together here at the apartment.
Instead of going out to film
all the people you know, they’ll come here.
And think of the artistic statement it will make.
Our party, here in America,
sending our film to their party in Mypos.
I see it, and I love it!
But, cousin, I’d better change my shoes
so that Mama can see me in the new boots she just sent me.
Yes, yes, good, change the shoes
and let’s lose the vest. It’s kind of busy.
And, you know, I see the character of Balki
in a pale blue shirt.
Cousin, Balki Bartokomous wears vests.
Now, on this point, I’m going to have
to put my foot down on your face.
I want this film to be truthful.
Hey, we’re on the same side on this one.
Go with the vest.
If there’s one thing I want this film to be, it’s truthful.
Thank you, cousin.
Yeah, hello, Don? Uh, Larry Appleton.
Yes, I just wanted to confirm I’ve got 10 actors
from your theater group for the film I’m shooting this evening.
Yeah, now, they will be playing
the star’s closest friends in a party scene.
So, I want them to dress accordingly.
I want this film to be truthful.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, everybody, listen up, quiet people.
I want to go over this one more time.
Now, we’re going to do the party sequence.
Now, we’re going to surprise Balki
because he’s not expecting anybody
till much later.
I hear someone coming. Okay, here we go.
We’ve only got one shot at it. Let’s really nail it.
Ready?
Action.
ALL: Surprise!
Oh, my gosh.
Cut!
Uh, a surprise party for me?
I, I never even suspected.
Thank you, Larry. Thank you, Jennifer.
Mary Anne, the party’s not for you.
It’s for Balki, remember?
Oh, right.
Come in. Come in.
Larry, who are all these people?
Oh, they’re actors from the neighborhood players.
I hired them to be in the film.
Well, why wouldn’t you just use Balki’s friends?
Well, I’m going for a real festive look here
and Balki’s friends just don’t...
(SNAPS FINGERS) ...pop on film.
Well, thanks a lot.
No, not you, you’re here. You pop.
You pop, too, Mary Anne.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Thanks, I try.
Larry, don’t you think you should’ve asked Balki
before you did all this?
Jennifer, Balki asked me to make this film for him.
And I am going to make this the best film Mypos ever saw.
It may be Balki’s life, but it’s my film.
He’s coming.
Okay, all right. Over here.
All right, come on, everybody.
Now, when he comes through the door
I want to see "surprise!"
I want to see warmth!
I want to see a lot of emotion.
Remember, you love this guy.
Okay.
Ready?
Action!
ALL: Surprise!
Great, hold the look, hold the look.
Good, good. Cross over here. Cross over here.
Big hug!
Say something.
Who are you?
Okay, good. Cross over here. Cross over here.
Good! You are so surprised!
You’re happy, You’re happy.
Choke back a tear if you can.
Yeah, good, good.
Hi, Balki!
No. No, no, no. Come on.
Cross back over here.
Cousin, cousin, who, who are all these people?
They’re all your friends.
You love them so much.
Well, I recognize those two.
Good. Okay, now, cross over here. Cross over here.
Oh, and look who it is. It’s Mr. Gorpley!
Big reaction! Big reaction!
Big, big, big, big! Okay, all right.
Mr. Gorpley, is there anything
you’d like to say to Balki’s mama?
Balki is a real swell guy. What’s for dessert?
Terrific. Okay, Balki, Balki.
Cross over here. Wait a minute
I want to say thank you to Mr. Gorpley‐‐
No, no, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.
You can do that when we do the warm scene later.
Cross over here. Come on, yeah...
Oh! And look who it is, it’s Ms. Lydia from work.
Hi, Mrs. Bartokomous.
I’m Lydia Markham.
And I’m so happy and proud to be here at this party
to honor my best friend Bilki.
All of us at the Chronicle love Bilki.
He’s such a joy to be around.
And Bilki is such a hard worker.
Ms. Lydia?
Have you done something different with your hair?
Do I have another line here?
I mean, is he supposed to say that?
Cousin, could I, could I have a word with you?
Okay, Cut! Hold your places, people.
I’m pretty sure, that isn’t Ms. Lydia.
Of course it’s not Ms. Lydia.
Ms. Lydia talks to her hand.
Your mama doesn’t want to see that.
I got an actress to play Lydia.
But Mama will think that is Ms. Lydia.
So what? It happens in the movies all the time.
They always get an actor to play a real life person.
Oh, and I suppose Crocodile Dundee was some actor?
Balki, buddy, Ms. Lydia wanted to be here.
She even wrote the words the actress is saying,
but remember, we are trying to capture
the essence of your life.
Yeah, but, but cousin‐‐ We’ll talk about it later.
Come on, we’re losing the energy of the scene.
Okay, Jennifer, Mary Anne, are you ready?
Jennifer, why don’t you start. Okay, Balki, ready?
Action!
Mrs. Bartokomous, you must be very proud of your son.
He’s kind and generous and loving and I’m glad‐‐
LARRY: Cut!
Cousin, why you did stop her? She was on a roll.
Jennifer, that doesn’t sound like the script I gave you.
Well, Mary Anne and I thought it would be nicer
if we say what we really feel.
I’m not paying you to say what you feel.
You’re not paying us at all.
Okay, all right, uh, ladies, uh...
Let me, let me explain a basic fact of filmmaking.
I am the director. You are the actresses.
My job is to tell you what to do.
Your job is to do it.
Okay, now let’s take it again.
I’m going to get him. No, no, Jennifer, Jennifer.
Cousin, I need to talk to you for a moment in the kitchen.
Balki, sit down, let’s finish this up.
Cousin, now.
Okay, now.
Make it quick, these people have to do
Fiddler on the Roof in 20 minutes.
Cousin, you were rude to Jennifer and Mary Anne.
Balki, buddy, babe, a little spat over creative differences.
We’ll make up at the cast party.
Cousin, I agree with Jennifer.
Why you don’t let them say what they feel
instead of what you make up for them?
Balki, everyone has to follow my script
if we’re going to capture the essence of your life.
Cousin, this film is becoming
a pain in my essence.
Now, now, now, first, you, you bring in a lot of people
who I don’t even know.
And then you hire an actress to play Ms. Lydia
and don’t think I didn’t notice the difference in height.
But, cousin, the straw that broke Glen Campbell’s back...
Is that you wouldn’t let Jennifer and Mary Anne
speak from their hearts.
This is not my life.
This is something you are making up
and I don’t want to do it anymore.
What?
Cousin, read my lips.
It’s over, finished, kaputiki.
So what are you saying?
You’re off the picture.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
BALKI: (ON TV) Mama, I would like you to meet Jennifer.
This is Cousin Larry’s girlfriend.
Balki, this is a wonderful film.
Your mama will love it.
JENNIFER: (ON TV) We all love Balki very much.
BALKI: Mama, I want you to meet someone really special to me,
my little lamb shank, Mary Anne.
Okay, go.
Mrs. Bartokomous, I just want to say
how glad I am I met your son.
He has a very special place in my heart.
Thank you so much for letting him come to America.
(BALKI CHUCKLING)
Whoa, whoa.
Bye.
Wow.
Well, Mama, um, that about wraps it up.
I hope everyone’s having a great time at the reunion.
Mama, I wish I could be there with you.
You could tell me everything that’s happened
since the last time I was on Mypos.
I wish we could go walking in your garden again.
We could go and, and sit under the olive tree
and watch the sunset
and spit pits for distance.
Well, maybe I’ll see you at the next reunion, okay?
Bye‐bye, Mama.
Oh, Balki, that was beautiful.
Yeah, it was.
Oh, Larry, hi. Um...
Well, it’s getting late.
Uh, you two probably want to talk.
Right.
We’ll come back in the morning
and help you clean up.
You know, I don’t know what Lydia’s been doing to herself,
but she sure looks fabulous.
I saw a little bit of your, uh, film.
Looks good. Thank you, cousin.
You know my only regret is that I don’t have my closest
and dearest friend in the whole world in it
so that Mama could meet him.
Well, I wish I could have been in it.
Well, I still have the camera.
Well, Mrs. Bartokomous,
everyone...
Uh... Uh...
Cousin, just say what you feel.
They’re your family, too. Go ahead.
I know you’re all sad because Balki’s not there
and I know you miss him.
I, I know because, uh, I’d miss him, too
if he weren’t here.
He’s my best friend.
And don’t worry about him because
he’s doing fine here in America.
I’ll look out for him.
Well, we, we look out for each other.
I hope you’re having a great reunion.
Bye‐bye, Mama. Bye‐bye, Mama.
Aw, cousin, that was very nice.
Now, can you take it again and this time make it pop?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)