[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothin’ to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feelin’ ♪
♪ Like you need some kinda change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standin’ tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze are bound for better days ♪
♪ My life my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Cousin, hi.
I just hear the greatest joke at night school.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me decompose myself.
Okay, listen to this.
I just drove in from LA
and, boy, are my arms tired.
No, no, no. I didn’t tell that right. Wait a minute.
Balki, uh, I’d love to hear a joke but I’m kinda busy.
Oh, cousin. What? What you’re doing?
Well, I’m making my selections
for the football pool at work.
‐Football pool? ‐A football pool.
Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky.
I didn’t even know they had a pool at work
let alone one large enough to play football in.
Balki, a football pool is like a lottery.
For a dollar, you pick the teams
you think you’re gonna win on Sunday.
And whoever picks the most winners, wins.
Ooh‐wow!
What does the winner who picks the most winners
wind up winning?
Well, usually around $65.
Get out of the city!
Sixty five dollars? I want to play.
Here’s my dollar.
‐What do I do next? ‐Well...
Just circle all the teams you think are gonna win.
Uh, Balki, keep in mind
picking winning football teams is very complicated.
If you have any questions at all...
...don’t be afraid to ask.
Where do I turn this in?
Okay, no, no. No‐no, that wasn’t it, that wasn’t it.
I got it now, I got it.
I just took a Bosnian from Denver
and boy are my arms tired.
Wait a minute, no, no, no.
‐That wasn’t it. ‐I didn’t think so.
Boy, comedy is tough.
Uh, Bartokomous.
I don’t know how you did it
but you won the football pool.
Balki won the football pool?
How much did he win?
Well, you would have won $65
if it weren’t for that darn immigrant rule.
Sam, give him his money
or I’ll print the letter your ex‐wife wrote
to my advice column.
You‐you know, the one she signed "short‐changed in Chicago."
Hey, I guess, we can waive the rule this week.
Thank you, Mr. Gorpley.
Lydia, I heard you got three this week.
You getting outside help?
I’m gonna print the letter anyway.
♪ Money makes the world go around ♪
♪ The world go around ♪
♪ The world oh oh ♪
♪ Money makes the world go around ♪
(Larry) ’Balki.’
You picked all 13 winners.
How did you do that?
I don’t know.
It‐it must have been my‐my sheepherder’s intuition.
Sheepherder’s intuition?
Yeah, cousin, now that I look at it, it makes perfect sense.
Obviously, a bronco can beat a colt.
And a‐a lion could beat a Bengal.
After all, the lion is king of the jungle.
And I took the bills over the chargers
because no matter how much you keep charging
sooner or later you have to pay the bill.
Well, Balki, that’s certainly a cute little system
but I wouldn’t plan on you being lucky enough
to win another pool with it.
Well, I’d rather have a cute little system
than an empty little wallet.
[instrumental music]
Appleton, here’s your pick sheet for the football pool.
‐I’ll need one for Balki. ‐Why?
Isn’t winning the last five weeks in a row enough for him?
Yeah, uh, hello, Tom? Yeah, uh, this is Larry.
Yeah, uh, are, uh, are you still betting with a bookie?
Well, could I have his name?
The Mole?
Is that a...family name?
Well, could you give me his number?
’Cause I‐I wanna make some football bets.
I’ve got a sure thing.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Okay, cousin, I got it now.
Listen to this.
I just flew in from LA
and, boy, am I tired.
No, no, no, no, it’s‐it’s missing something.
Balki, what‐what? What happened to you?
Oh. Uh. Cousin.
This just isn’t my day.
I was, I was in the press room
telling the guys how that I won the football pool again
and they were just slapping me on the back
and slapping me on the front.
I guess they forgot they had ink all on their hands.
Well, well, what’s all this, uh, yellow and green stuff?
Oh, that would be a Denver omelet.
I was in the cafeteria telling Millie, the waitress
about how that I won the football pool again
and she accidentally dropped the omelet into my lap.
Hot out of the microwave.
Uh, Balki, here’s your entry for the football pool.
Why don’t, why don’t you fill it out?
I can’t, cousin.
Somebody accidentally broke the points off all my pencils.
Okay, here, use mine.
Well, Balki, are you gonna suck all the fun
out of this week’s football pool?
Oh, no, I was just about to make my picks.
Oh, may I borrow your pencil?
Sure.
[clattering]
Sorry.
Wait a minute, cousin.
Everything is becoming crystal light.
Every time the subject of the football pool comes up
somebody has an accident
and it’s always me.
I think those two things are connected.
No, they’re not.
Hey, what‐what do you think of the Bears this week?
Cousin, listen to me I think everyone is angry
with me for winning the football pool
and maybe I won’t play this week.
No, don’t...you can’t quit now.
Why not?
Well, because you’ve made a commitment
to play the football pool.
And‐and you’ve got to, live up to that.
A commitment to who?
To who?
To‐to everyone in the pool.
To the game itself.
To America, to everything this country stands for.
Why don’t you just burn the flag
while the law’s still vague?
Cousin, I don’t want to burn the flag.
I‐I just don’t want to play the football pool anymore.
I don’t want people to be angry with me.
Well, if you think they’re angry now
just wait till you tell them you’re quitting.
Well, cousin, what if I explain to them that
if I quit they’ll have a better chance of winning?
Well, Balki, no, they, they don’t just want to win.
They want to beat you.
Beat me?
With a stick?
Cousin, it’s just a game. Don’t let them beat me.
No, no, no, no, no. They don’t wanna beat you with a stick.
They want to beat you in the pool.
I tried to tell you, it was complicated
but you insisted on playing. I’m afraid you’re stuck.
So, why don’t you just, uh, make your, make your picks?
Cousin, I’ll‐I’ll, I’ll make my picks later.
Right‐right now, I got to...
...I got to go and get the hash browns out of my pants.
Balki, what’s wrong?
Well, for the past five weeks
I’ve been playing the football pool at work.
Yeah?
And for the past five weeks, I’ve won.
Oh, that would get anybody down.
Yeah.
Everybody is angry with me for winning
and I, I wish I didn’t have to play anymore.
Oh, why don’t you just quit?
But I want to do but Cousin Larry said
that‐that would only make people angrier
because they don’t just want to win
they want to beat me.
Well, why don’t you just let them?
Well, well how I do that?
Well, just pick all the losers.
That way you’d still be playing
but somebody else could win.
Mary Anne, that’s brilliant.
Thanks, Balki. You inspire me.
You know, uh...
...I’m perspiring a little myself.
Hi, Balki, did you fill out your football pool?
‐Hi, Larry. ‐Oh, hi, Mary Anne.
I didn’t see you.
Uh, we were just about to go to the movies.
Oh, terrific!
Why don’t you fill out your football pool
before you go? I’ll take it to over to Mr. Gorpley.
Alright. Here it goes.
Oh.
[giggling]
Finished? Good. Okay.
Well, you two have a nice evening.
Don’t be out late now. Bye‐bye.
‐Bye. ‐Bye‐bye.
Hello. Is this The Mole?
Yes, I...this‐this is Larry Appleton.
Tom told me I should call.
Yes, I‐I want to bet ten football games.
A $1,000 a game.
That’s right. 10,000 big ones.
[instrumental music]
(man on TV) ’And the Chiefs beat the Jets, 45‐3.’
[cheering]
I did it! I did it. I lost every game!
‐I’m so proud of you. ‐Oh.
Thank you, Mary Anne, it will be so nice to go to work tomorrow
and not have people throw food at me.
Why wasn’t Larry here to watch the games?
Oh, he went to the sports grill.
They have ten television sets there
so you can watch all the games at one time.
I bet he’s having the time of his life.
Cousin, are you alright?
Mary Anne, could I talk to, uh, Balki alone?
I don’t see why not.
Oh, now.
[chuckles] Sure.
I gotta go anyway. Bye, Balki.
Bye, Mary Anne.
Balki, do you realize
you‐you didn’t pick one single winning team?
I know, isn’t it wonderful?
‐How did you know? ‐I copied your picks.
Cousin, I’m surprised at you.
You know cheaters never win.
I know now.
How could you lose every game?
Well, you know, cousin, in a way...
...it was your idea.
See, you said that...
You‐you said that people would be happy if they beat me
so I decided to pick all the losers
and make everybody happy.
Not everybody.
Balki...
...I used your picks
and bet $10,000 with a bookie.
You bet $10,000 with a librarian?
A bookie, a bookie...
...a bookie is someone who takes bets on sporting events
and now I owe this guy $10,000.
Oh, boy, boy...
Cousin, you know, on Mypos we have one of them guys
Jimmy, the geek.
When you bet on the sheep races and you don’t pay up
he shaves your head and calls you baldy
in front of your parents.
It’s ugly, very ugly.
Well, Balki, this is America.
Things are a little different here.
When bookies aren’t paid
they have been known to break legs.
Cousin, we, we can’t let them do that.
I’m going to call the police!
No! No, no, no, no. Balki, Balki, Balki.
You‐you can’t call the police.
Cousin, we have to.
What they’re going to do is illegal.
So is betting with a bookie.
Cousin, how could you do something
you know was illegal?
I don’t know, I did it. It was stupid. I’m sorry.
But‐but‐but what am I gonna do?
Balki, he knows my name.
He knows where I live.
He knows where I keep my knees.
Oh, cousin.
What are you going to do?
Well, there’s only one thing I can do.
I’ll bet another $10,000
on tomorrow night’s game.
Cousin, I don’t know much about the game
but if they’ll break your legs for $10,000...
...for 20,000, they might break
something you really need.
Well, that’s not gonna happen
because after you pick tomorrow night’s winner...
...I’ll be even. Alright, let’s see, who’s playing?
Now, wait just a minute. Not so fast.
What? What‐what is it?
Cousin, the only way
I’m going to go along with this
is if you promise to never
and I mean, never, ever, ever
bet on a football game again.
Balki, I promise never
and I mean, never, ever, ever, ever
to bet on a football game again.
And promise you’ll take me to Disney World.
And I promise, I’ll take you to... Balki...
Sorry, it was worth a shot.
Okay, I’ll help you.
Alright, alright.
Now, do whatever you need to do
to get your sheepherder’s intuition to kick in.
Oh, I just need to relax.
‐You need to relax? ‐Yeah.
Here, put your feet up.
Here. Pillow? Pillow?
Alright.
Anything else?
Uh, could you get me Dmitri?
Could you dim the lights?
Alright.
Alright, here we go.
Ready?
Alright.
The Packers and the Browns. Who’s gonna win?
Browns, Packers
Browns or Packers, Browns or Packers...
What are my choices again?
The Browns...
...or the Packers!
The Browns or the Packers!
I don’t know, cousin, I can’t do it under this much pressure.
Alright, alright. Relax, relax, relax.
Relax, relax.
There’s no pressure.
It’s just...
...my life!
The Browns or the Packers?
The Browns.
‐The Browns? ‐Yes.
‐The Browns? ‐The Browns.
Right, come on.
(man on TV) ’They still have a shot of winning this game.’
’The Packers have the ball throw on 25.’
’Salos back to pass.’
’Chased out of the pocket.’
’Going long intercepted by the Browns!’
Yes! Yes!
Balki, all the Browns have to do to win
is to run out 30 seconds on the clock.
[grunts]
[grunting]
Oh.
Balki, thank you.
I owe you my legs
and anything else that might have been broken.
‐You’re welcome, cousin. ‐Hmm.
Boy, after that yelling, I could use a soda.
‐You want one? ‐Sure. Love one.
(man on TV) ’There’s the snap. He hands off to Taylor.’
‐’Taylor fumbles!’ ‐Fumble?
(man on TV) ’It’s picked up by the Packers at the 20.’
’He’s at the 30. He’s at the 40.’
’It’s a foot race.’
‐He’s at the 50. ‐’He’s at the 50.’
He’s at the 40.
‐’The 40...’ ‐Get him! Get him!
Hurt him!
(man on TV) ’He may go all the way.’
Get him!
Tackle him!
Kill him!
(man on TV) ’He’s at the 10...’
‐No. ‐’He’s down to the five.’
‐No. ‐’He’s down.’
(man on TV) ’He’s down on the one‐yard line.’
Yes!
‐Is that a good thing? ‐No.
It’s a bad thing, a very bad thing.
Balki, I’m leaving the country.
(man on TV) ’Packers have time for one last play.’
‐Oh, no. ‐’There’s the snap.’
(man on TV) ’Kenny Salo’s back to pass.’
‐Get him. Get him! ‐Ow. Ow.
(man on TV) ’He scrambles right.’
[grunts]
Go for his knees!
Oh, God.
Go for his knees!
[groans]
‐’He scrambles left.’ ‐Get him!
[groaning]
Get him!
Throw a cheerleader at him!
(man on TV) ’Ooh! He’s hit hard.’
’He fumbles into the end zone! There’s a pileup.’
’Whoever comes up with the ball is going to be the winner.’
‐Who has the ball? ‐I don’t know.
(man on TV) ’They’re peeling off the players.’
’The Browns have the ball!’
’The Browns win! The Browns win it.’
Yes! Yes! Balki!
Balki! Balki?
Balki, Balki, I won. I won!
I’m even. I get to keep my knees.
Oh, cousin!
Now we are so happy
we do the dance of joy.
[humming]
♪ Di di di di ♪
♪ Di di di di di di ♪
(both) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
[laughs]
Balki.
‐I have learned my lesson. ‐Hmm.
I will never bet a football game again.
Well, cousin, that’s good.
Sports are for fun.
They shouldn’t be life‐threatening.
You are absolutely right.
Thanks for coming to my rescue.
Hey, you’re welcome.
(man on TV) ’And next week, I’ll be flying to Atlanta.’
’Boy, will my arms be tired.’
That’s it. Atlanta.
[theme music]