[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothin’ to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Cousin, hurry up.
Cousin Bartok will be here any minute.
[sniffles]
‐Balki? ‐Yeah.
Have you washed this sheepskin since your mama
sent it from Mypos?
Well, of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.
If we want Cousin Bartok to feel at home here
the apartment has to smell barnyard fresh.
Cousin, did I ever tell you about the time
that Cousin Bartok and I made a water balloons out of...
(together) ...sheep bladders.
And we climbed up on the roof of...
(together) ...Cousin Bartok’s hut.
And we dropped them on...
(together) Devo the butcher.
And he thought it was a sign from God
so he lowered his prices.
Were you there?
No. No, I was here.
I was here listening to you
tell that story over and over and over again.
Cousin, I‐I can’t help myself.
I’m just, I’m just so...
I’m just so excited that, that Cousin Bartok is coming.
My favorite cousin from Mypos is finally
going to meet my favorite cousin from America.
Well, I’ll be honored, Balki.
Uh, who knows, as long as he’s here
maybe we can show him what it’s like
to be a bachelor on the loose in Chicago, huh?
Huh? Huh? Ho‐ho‐ho.
[grunts]
[laughing]
A‐ah, ha ha!
[both sighing]
What are we talking about?
‐Forget it. ‐Oh.
Cousin, I‐I got to warn you.
Now, um, Cousin Bartok
is a kind of meek
and mild and shy.
He only arrived in Los Angeles six months ago.
So, you know
you‐you can’t expect him
to be as, Neopolitan as I am.
That’s cosmopolitan.
And, uh, after the last four years
I think I’m prepared for anything.
Thank you, cousin.
Oh, I almost forgot the Babo‐digo‐bo wreath.
The Babo‐digo‐bo wreath?
The traditional Myposian welcome wreath.
Made from the beards of 100 un‐milked goats.
I’ll be right back.
[knock on door]
Hey, hi.
I’m looking for Balki Bartokomous.
Balki Bartokomous?
Sorry, dude. I must have the wrong apartment.
No, no, no, no.
You‐you must be Bartok.
‐Yo. ‐Well, come in.
Alright!
’Excellent.’
I hope Cousin Bartok gets here soon.
The Babo‐digo‐bo wreath is starting to shed.
Balki!
Cousin Bartok!
Alright.
♪ Babo‐babo digo‐digo‐bo ♪
Wow! A Babo‐digo‐bo wreath.
Alright. Heavy, dude.
Oh, Cousin Bartok
I want to introduce you to my Cousin Larry.
Cousin Larry, Cousin Bartok.
Cousin Bartok, Cousin Larry.
Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Bartok.
Likewise, dude.
Just go ahead and call me Bart
that’s cash.
Are‐are you sure you two are just cousins?
I‐I can’t believe how much you look much alike.
Oh, wow.
You‐you really think so.
Well, cousin, maybe a little around the eyes
but I mean, it’s not like "The Patty Duke Show."
Dudes, I really appreciate your letting me crash here
for a couple of nights.
Well, why should you spend money on a hotel
when we have a very comfortable couch right here?
Oh, wow.
A couch!
If I didn’t have a bad back
that couch would sound totally bodacious but...
Ah, maybe I better just scope out a hotel.
A hotel!
Bite you tongue off.
You’re staying right here.
I’ll sleep on the couch
and‐and you stay in my room.
You just take your suitcase and march right on in there.
First door on the left.
Alright. Excellent.
Alright, B‐man. You’re alright.
Oh, dude, I almost forgot
I got the taxi cab waiting downstairs.
I’m a little lean on green.
No. You look fine.
I’m a little, a little low on cash.
Oh, oh, don’t worry, Cousin Bartok.
I’ll take care of cab. You make yourself at home.
Excellent.
♪ But they’re cousins ♪
♪ Identical cousins and you’ll find... ♪
Uh, B‐Bart, I‐I have to tell you
you’re not at all what I expected.
I‐I thought somebody from Mypos
would be much more...Myposian.
Yeah, well, um...
Let me tell you a little story about that, Larr.
Hey, mind if I call you Larr?
Well, uh, actually I prefer‐‐
Great, Larr. Well, the deal is...
See, uh, when, I first hit LA
I looked like our friend Balki out there.
And, uh, people looked at me like I was this total geek
and I was like, oh, wow, I was like bummed.
And then, I was lucky enough to, uh, hook up with this dude
Frankie Bathgate
and he goes to me, he goes, Dude.
And I go, what?
And he goes, oh, wow.
And I’d go, huh?
And he goes, numero uno, what you gotta do is get rid
of everything that says Mypos
and that includes, like, the clothes
the accent, and anything made out of goat hair.
Hey, um...
...does your apartment always look like this?
Well, no, Balki decorated it this way
so you’d feel more at home.
Dude, the way to really
make me feel more at home
is to get a couple of babes up here.
You know what I mean?
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
‐Hi, Larry. ‐Hi, Lydia. Uh, Lydia?
I heard you met Balki’s cousin, Bart.
What’d you think of him?
Ooh, nice.
What’d you really think of him, Lydia?
Well, it may just be me
but it really turns me off when someone says
hey, babe. Nice to you.
How many bucks do you pull down a week?
Well, I like the guy.
(Larry) ’You like him? Wait a minute.’
After you had breakfast with him and Balki
he stuck you with the check.
I know, that’s why I like him.
Everybody, everybody, I have great news.
Balki, you got new sunglasses.
Yeah. Cousin Bartok kind of talked me into them.
Totally tubular, huh?
Mr. Gorpley, Miss Lydia
I want to invite you to a party
I’m having for Cousin Bartok
on Saturday night.
Saturday? I thought Bart was leaving on Wednesday.
That’s the good news, cousin.
Ah, Cousin Bartok has decided to‐to start his business
right here in Chicago and he’ll be staying with us
until he can find an apartment in my price range.
Isn’t that way cool?
I am totally stoked!
Excuse me.
I‐I’ve got to go tell everyone else about the party.
(Balki) ’Hey, dudes! Let’s party!’
You have got to hand it to a guy who can
rip off his own family.
I think I’ll go call my mother.
[instrumental music]
[jazz music]
(Sam) ’So, Bartokomous.’
What’s this great business idea that Bart has?
Well, it’s really not Cousin Bartok’s idea.
The idea actually belongs to a dude in California
named John Greeley.
But Cousin Bartok has obtained
all the marketing rights.
All that’s left to do
is the, is the wheeling and dealing
and shakin’ and bakin’.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. Now what’s the idea?
Hold on to your cats.
It’s a beach towel.
A beach towel?
Well, move over Donald Trump.
Balki, I‐I hope this doesn’t come as a shock
but they’ve already invented the beach towel.
I know that.
But not a Piece o’ the Beach beach towel.
Cousin Bartok says it’s truly bodacious.
You see, it’s a towel, the color of sand.
So it actually looks like
a piece o’ the beach.
But‐but‐but what happens if you go swimming?
How‐how do you find your towel again?
Wow.
That is a good question.
But I’m sure Cousin Bartok has already thought of that.
He never thinks about anything but business.
You know...
...the minute I saw you...
...I knew you were awesome.
I was, like, oh, wow!
Obliterated.
But...
...there’s something missing.
Me.
Oh, you’re not missing.
You’re right here.
You are heavy.
This sounds like a cheap come‐on line.
Forget it.
And I’m not heavy.
Don’t tell me. You’re Bart‐‐
You know, the minute I saw you...
...I knew you were awesome.
I was, like, oh, wow!
Obliterated.
But there’s something missing.
And you’re right. It’s me.
I see you’ve, uh, met Jennifer
my girlfriend.
And‐and she’s a total babe.
I should know. I am licensed babe‐tician.
[laughing]
Where do I come up with them?
Uh, Jennifer, would you mind seeing
if the rest of the Cheddar puffs are ready?
Sure, um, nice meeting you, Bart.
Later, babe.
Oh, wow. Oh, wow.
Larr, major wipe out on my part.
Way sorry, dude.
Look, Bart never hits on another dude’s lady.
Well, I’m happy to hear that, Bart.
Listen, Larr, I got some killer news.
I finally got the financial backing for my project
and I’ll be getting my own pad this week.
Well, that is killer news.
Well, congratulations. Who’s your backer?
Everyone! Everyone!
I have an announcement to make.
Uh, Cousin Bartok
would you join me, please?
Hit it, Balkman.
Uh, Cousin Bartok and I are going into business together.
Um, with his keen business instincts
and my life savings
I don’t see how we can miss.
[instrumental music]
Okay, cousin, here we go.
Balki, where‐where’s Bart?
It would’ve been nice if he helped us clean up.
Oh, he’s playing basketball.
Basketball?
‐At 1 o’clock in the morning? ‐Yeah.
He told me he was going to play
a little one on one with Ms. Kelly from advertising.
Balki.
We have to talk.
I know what you’re going to say.
‐You do? ‐Yes, I do.
And I couldn’t agree with you more.
Cousin, I’m as tired as you are
of always having Cheddar puffs at our parties.
Now, I thought, maybe, we could have‐‐
No, Balki. No. No. Balki.
Balki. Balki.
I‐I don’t wanna, uh, talk about hors d’oeuvres.
I wanna talk about this beach towel business.
You know, it sounds very...
...risky.
Oh, well...
Cousin Bartok and I have talked about the risk
and we agree it’s a no‐prob situation.
As he says, you have to spend money to make money.
Balki, he’s using the fact that he’s a relative
to take your money.
Cousin, on Mypos
family trusts one another.
Balki, LA did something to him.
He’s changed.
Cousin, just because he
dresses different and talks different
and acts different
don’t mean that he’s different.
Balki
if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck
chances are, it’s a duck.
Now, you‐you were talking about my Cousin Bartok
and then, you’re talking about a duck.
I know it’s late and‐and you’re tired
so I’m gonna give you some time
to organize your thoughts.
[instrumental music]
Larr, dude! What’s happenin’?
Everything leveled out and cool, bro‐heim?
Hey, is the Balkster home?
No, the Balkster is at the bank
transferring his life savings
into his checking account.
Alright, ’cause I’m psyched to get
the ball rolling on this deal.
I noticed.
Bart, I know what you’re doing
and I am not gonna let you get your hands
on Balki’s money.
Oh, wow!
I catch what’s going on here.
I come up with the most happenin’
outer‐lunar, money‐making scheme
since the talking teddy bear
and I don’t offer you a piece of it.
[laughs] Oh, well, Larr.
You have every right to be angry.
Mea culpa, amigo.
Larr, I’ll let you in on the deal.
Go ahead and get your checkbook.
Oh, look, my two favorite cousins.
I’m so happy you’re getting along.
Balkman, glad you made it.
I was startin’ to worry.
Oh, don’t worry. Be happy.
It’s check writing time.
Now wait a minute, Balki.
There’s something you should know.
I did a little investigating.
I called the west coast.
I talked to the designer of
the Piece o ’the beach, beach towel.
Oh, wow. You talked to Mr. Greely?
Yes, and according to him, Bart has absolutely
no marketing rights to the towel at all.
Cousin, I thought you had an agreement with Mr. Greely.
But hey, no biggie. I mean, I get...
Those‐those rights are just a phone call away.
I can reach out and touch the dude tonight.
Bart, it won’t matter.
Mr. Greely said he has no intention of ever
giving you those rights.
Oh, wow!
Major downer.
But hey, there’s like, you know
there’s like a zillion killer ideas out there.
Like, I heard‐I heard one the other day.
Pet rock candy.
Blow my mind!
Balki, with my brains
and you’re righteous bucks
we can make it happen.
Bart, it’s over.
You’re the last person on Earth
Balki would lend money to.
Balki, what are you doing?
I’m writing a check for my life savings.
‐You’re what? ‐Cousin.
When a member of your family needs your help
you help him, no matter what the cost.
Oh, Balki, uh, you made a mistake.
You‐you made this check out to‐to Bartok.
And the bank only knows me as Bart.
No, cousin, I didn’t make a mistake.
I’m not giving this money to Bart.
That would be stupid.
I’m giving this money to Bartok
because I know that somewhere inside
them fancy clothes is the Bartok I grew up with.
And I know that, that Bartok
will use this money wisely.
I hate when you do this.
Bart.
Your Myposian accent’s coming out.
And that means, the rest of the old Bartok
can’t be far behind.
Come on, cousin. Come on.
Let it out.
You’ve kept Bartok locked up for too long.
I have to keep Bartok locked up.
Bartok is a dork.
Cousin, why would you say such a thing?
And what is a dork?
A loser.
The only way I can be a success
is by being Bart.
My‐my friend Frankie Bathgate says so.
Cousin, excuse me for saying so
but your friend Frankie Bathtub
don’t know Dick Butkus about success.
The only way to be a true success
is by being yourself.
Yeah, well...
I...
I don’t...
I’m not sure I know who‐who Bartok is anymore.
I think I lost him somewhere along the way.
Well, I think I know where you can find Bartok again.
Mypos.
Well, how I can get back? I don’t have any money.
Well, I tell you what.
I’ll lend you the money to go home.
You will?
Thank you, Cousin Balki.
[instrumental music]
"And make sure you give Cousin Larry my regards
"and tell him when I visit America again
"we’ll do lunch.
"That’s a joke.
"Where do I come up with them?"
Well, it sounds like Bartok is happy to be back on Mypos.
Oh, look, cousin, he sent his business card.
"Bartok’s glow in the dark sheep collars.
"Never lose a lamb at night again."
It looks like Bartok took a little bit of Bart
back to Mypos with him.
Well, of course, he did.
Don’t be bogus, dude.
Balki, promise me you’ll never say dude again.
You got it.
Larr.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]