[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ To rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dreams ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ And my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Look, I know your place
is a big hangout for football players.
I know Hank Peterson comes in there a lot.
So, if he shows up, have him call me.
Yeah, I‐I know he doesn’t like to talk to reporters.
I’m not a reporter.
That... I‐I‐I’m‐I’m Mike Ditka.
He‐hello? Hello?
Je‐jerk.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I’ll never find him.
I’ll never get this interview.
Life stinks.
♪ It’s a hap‐hap‐happy day ♪
♪ Doodle loodle loodle loodle loodle lay ♪
♪ The sun shines bright ♪
♪ And the world’s alright ♪
♪ It’s a hap‐hap‐happy day ♪
Cousin, I just found a $20 bill on the street.
It’s raining 20s from heaven.
Terrific, Balki.
And, cousin, yesterday the counterman at the deli
gave me an extra slice of pickle.
And the day before that
a butterfly landed on my shoulder.
When will it all end?
I don’t know, but I hope it ends soon
because it’s getting on my nerves.
Cousin, what’s wrong?
I promised Wainwright I’d interview this football player.
The whole town wants to know
if he’s gonna play football next season.
I can’t even find the guy.
Oh, cousin.
You know, when rainy days and Mondays always get me down
you know what picks me back up?
Tuesdays?
No.
Helping others.
You know, turning darkness into sunlight?
Turning frowns into smiles?
Turning fish heads into chowder?
‐You should try it. ‐I don’t know, Balki.
Doing good for others has...
...never appealed to me very much.
Come on, cousin.
Come with me to Chicago General
and do volunteer work.
Listen, getting your mind off yourself
and onto some other needy person who really‐‐
B‐Balki, I don’t wanna help others.
I wanna help myself, so go away.
Alright. Alright. You need time to think this over.
I’ll be in the archives
trying to figure out this Dan Quayle thing.
Appleton.
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.
About that Hank Peterson interview...
Don’t worry, sir. I’m going to find him. I promise.
We’ve already found him, Sherlock.
He’s in Chicago General waiting to have knee surgery.
Well, that’s great, sir. I’m on my way.
I’ll have that interview typed in on your desk
before you can say byline.
‐Appleton. ‐Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.
You ought to know they’re not letting reporters
anywhere near him.
Well, that’s that. We gave it our best shot, didn’t we, sir?
You haven’t given it any shot yet.
Now get down there and get that interview.
Bu‐but‐but if they’re not allowing reporters in
how am I gonna do that, sir?
Maybe this will motivate you, Appleton.
Just pretend your job is at stake.
‐It’s working, sir. ‐I knew it would.
Uh, oh...Chicago General. Chicago Ge...
Who was just talking about Chicago General?
I get it now.
The vice president doesn’t actually do anything.
Balki...
B‐Balki, were you saying
that if I focus less on myself and help others
it would be a good thing?
Well, are we feeling better now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, a‐about this, uh, volunteer hospital job
uh, uh, can you go anywhere you want in the hospital?
Oh, yeah. The volunteers get special passes.
So, if I became a volunteer
I could get one of those special passes?
Cousin, you’re thinking of becoming a volunteer?
‐You changed your mind? ‐Yeah, yeah, right.
Complete change of heart.
So...I could get one of those special passes?
Well, of course you could. Don’t be ridiculous.
We’ll go down first thing next week.
No, not next week. I want to help people tonight.
Well, aren’t you the eager leave it to beaver?
Well, I figured, once you decide to help others, why wait?
Let’s go.
[instrumental music]
[woman speaking indistinctly over PA]
So, nurse, how long before this shot kicks in?
I’d like to watch a little...
General anesthetic to remove a corn. What a wuss.
Is this Hank Peterson’s room?
He’s right over there.
Mr. Peterson?
Hank?
Uh, Larry Appleton. Chicago Chronicle.
I know you’re a very busy man.
But, uh, just a few questions.
Are you ever going to play football again?
[mumbling]
I didn’t quite catch that.
Are you ever going to play football again? Hank?
Hank? Hank?
Hank? Hank. Hank. Wake up. Hank.
Hank. Wake up.
Hank. Hank!
Hank. Hank.
Hank! Talk to me.
Hank! Hank.
Cousin, making friends already?
Oh!
You are one caring human being. Come on, we got to go now.
No, Balki, we can’t leave yet.
Well, we came here to comfort and console the patients.
And we do that by relating to them.
Oh, look. Here’s a patient we can relate to.
Cousin...I don’t know how much relating Hank can do.
Obviously, this man is sedated.
See?
Come on, we got to go.
Well, Balki, uh, people relate awake or asleep.
Uh, uh, watch.
Hank, if you can hear me
don’t raise your hand.
See?
Wow!
I’ve never seen reflexes like that.
‐Hi, Balki. ‐Hi, Nurse Bagley.
Why don’t you change Mr. Vaughan’s bed?
‐I’ll do my best. ‐I know you will.
He’s the "Bed Changer Of The Month", you know.
I know.
I saw the plaque.
Okay, cousin. Come on.
You take this side.
Oh, okay.
Alright. Well, let’s get this over with.
Uh, come on, Mr. Vaughan, get up.
We gotta change the bed.
Cousin...cousin.
I‐I know you’re new at this
but my trained eye tells me that this man’s asleep.
See?
We’ve got to change this bed with him in it.
I know the proper procedure.
It’s hospital tested, hospital approved.
Okay, but let’s make it fast.
Okay. Now...yeah.
First, you gently fold down the blanket.
Yeah, what can I do?
You can gently remove the pillows
from underneath the patient’s head.
[clearing throat] Now, the next step is to gently move Mr. Vaughan
into a comfortable sitting posture.
[grunting]
Okay. What now?
Okay, now, the next step
is to strip the sheet from the bed.
You, uh, pick up the mattress
taking care not to disturb the patient.
Okay.
[grunting] You do that. I’ll hold him.
Okay.
[Balki whistling]
Cousin.
[Larry grunting]
This is not proper hospital procedure.
Get him off!
Ow.
[grunting]
‐Okay, let him go. ‐Okay.
You’re starting to get the hang of this.
Okay, now, ahem, the next step is to gently
gently roll Mr. Vaughan on his side
and remove the sheet out from underneath him.
Alright.
[both grunting]
Alright. I’ll hold him. You strip.
What?
I’ll hold Mr. Vaughan. You strip.
‐Cousin, I‐I‐‐ ‐Balki, please, do as I say.
I’ll hold, you strip.
Is this too hard for you?
No.
The sheets!
Strip the sheets!
Oh! Okay.
[grunting]
Uh‐oh.
Oh, Balki, Balki, I can’t hold him.
‐Oh, okay. ‐I can’t hold him.
Get him up. Get him up.
[grunting]
Oh, no, Balki! Balki! Help! Help! Help!
I got him. I got him.
Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Is that Hank Peterson?
No, he’s the one in the bed.
Okay, thanks.
Excuse me...could you help us?
Come on, pal, we can’t do every thing.
Aah! Wait a minute.
You can’t take him. I need him.
So does the surgeon.
He can’t operate on his knee without ’em.
We’ll be back for Mr. Vaughn later.
[Balki groaning]
Balki, this‐this‐this is terrible.
Oh, cousin, it’s not so bad.
I’m sure Mr. Vaughn don’t mind waiting.
[instrumental music]
Cousin, you know, it was so easy
to get Mr. Vaughan back in bed after I found out
that he likes to play "Simon says" in his sleep.
Simon says raise your legs.
Put your legs down.
He’s good.
Simon says put your legs down.
Cousin, we can go now.
Balki, I’m not leaving until they bring Hank back.
Cousin, learn to let go.
Hank is in good hands
and there are plenty of other patients who need our help.
But they don’t play football for the Chicago Bears
and Hank Peterson does.
Oh‐ho, now I get it!
You didn’t come here to‐to‐to help patients.
You came to get an interview with Hank Peterson.
So what if I did?
If I get this interview it’ll mean a lot for my career.
But, cousin, you’re doing a good thing for a selfish reason.
That’s wrong. Do I have to review the order for you again?
First you do good things, then good things happen.
Balki, you know what your problem is?
You’re too rigid.
I’ll do my hospital work
after they bring Hank back and I interview him.
Well, they’re not going to bring him back, Mr. Smarty Trousers.
He’s going to the Recovery Room.
Well, then I’ll interview him in the Recovery Room.
‐Good thinking, cousin. ‐Thank you.
(Balki) ’Can you pretend to have a key?’
A key?
Doctors use them to open the Recovery Room.
‐Someone else must have a key. ‐Nope, only doctors
and the occasional trusted Mypiot volunteer.
‐Balki? ‐Yes?
Do you have a key?
‐No. ‐No?
That was the other Mypiot volunteer.
Balki, may I have the key, please?
No, cousin!
And I’ll never tell you where it is.
Balki, give me the key!
Ha!
When pigs walk!
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Aah! No, no, no.
Balki...
...give me the key.
Never!
[air hissing]
Balki, give me the key.
Never!
[air hissing]
Balki, give me the key
or I’ll squeeze your brains out.
Never!
[air hissing]
Never!
[hissing continues]
[indistinct chatter]
Balki! Balki! Balki!
Just kidding, cousin. Hee hee hee.
Ha!
You’ll never get that key!
Aah!
Ha ha ha!
Oh, oh, oh!
Simon says hug!
Alright, Balki. Two can play at this game.
Simon says let go.
Ha!
It only works for me.
I’m it.
Alright, Balki, please, please, please.
I need the key.
Cousin, you promised to work for the hospital, not for yourself.
Balki, if you help me, I’ll work here for a month.
A month? Ha!
Simon says hug tighter.
[Larry groaning]
Six months!
Simon says let go.
[instrumental music]
Hank. Hank. Hank, wake up.
Hi, mom. We’re number one.
Hank, Hank, Hank, wake up.
We’re doctors
and‐and we need a little post‐operative information.
What?
Are you ever going to play football again?
Oh, you’re the doctor. What are you asking me for?
Balki?
Hi, Hank.
What are you doing here?
Is it story time?
Not until after dinner.
Hank, we‐we were, we were wondering‐‐
Balki, please. Balki, Balki, please.
Hank, my name is Larry Appleton.
I’m a reporter with The Chicago Chronicle.
Cousin, I think I can help.
Balki, you can help by being quiet.
So, short interview? What do you say, Hank?
I say no.
Well, that’s it. I’m through. I’m finished.
Cousin, may I speak now?
You can do anything you want. My life is over.
Hank, he’s a friend of mine.
Well, why didn’t you say so?
I tell you what, my doctors are gonna be in in a few minutes.
Why don’t you stick around
and we’ll find out whether or not
they’re gonna retire my jersey?
You have a cow?
[instrumental music]
Appleton.
‐Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright. ‐Great interview.
We were the first paper to tell Chicago Hank will be back.
Thank you, sir.
But‐but I couldn’t have done it without Balki’s help.
Nice work, Bartokomous.
Thank you, Mr. Wainwright.
Well, you and Appleton make a good team.
Well, you know what they say...
...a bird in the hand
will just keep pecking
and pecking and pecking and pecking
until your hand starts to bleed.
He helped you?
Uh, a lot.
Well, I don’t know how you did it
but you brought in a big story.
Maybe I should think about making this team permanent. Hm.
Permanent?
‐Did you hear that? ‐Yes.
He’s going to do our hair.
Yes, that’s right.
Well, Balki, it looks like our careers
are starting to take off.
This is a big day for me.
‐Well, it’s a big night, too. ‐What do you mean?
Well, you go to work at the hospital tonight.
You got your interview.
And now you have to pay Peter Piper.
Hey, I’m happy to do it.
Well, that’s a good attitude.
Now, what would you like to do for the first three months
mash down garbage or work on the third floor?
Ooh, that’s a toughie.
I’ll take the third floor.
Bedpans it is.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[music continues]