[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
Okay, whose idea was it
to go to the zoo in the middle of winter?
What a great day for the zoo.
Balki, take off the elephant nose.
It was embarrassing enough at the restaurant.
Oh, come on, cousin. Lighten up.
Why you don’t put on your alligator nose?
The nose goes on, I go out.
[knocking on door]
Balk‐eye Bartookamouse?
I’m Balk‐eye.
Could you please sign your name?
With a pen.
There you go.
Thank you.
What is it, Balki?
It’s from Mypos.
No kidding.
[Balki gasping]
Oh, what, did the village idiot die
and they sent you his hat?
Cousin, show some respect.
This is the headpiece worn
by the official negotiator on Mypos.
No negotiating can take place without this hat.
We call it The Hat Of A Thousand Quibbles.
Well, it’s beautiful.
Does it come with instructions?
Well, there’s a letter.
It’s from King Ferdinand.
Must be important.
He wrote it on his Garfield stationery.
"Dear Balki.
"A company in Chicago called Worldwide Amalgamated
"wants to buy 500 acres of land
"on the north shore of Mypos.
"And we want..."
He wants me to negotiate the sale.
And they, they set up a meeting for tomorrow.
Excuse me. I’ve got to start my preparations.
♪ Hey beegy ♪
♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong bong oh yeah ♪
Well, uh...
...we’ll just get out of your way.
Bye, Balki.
Bye, Mary Anne.
Goodnight.
Bye, Larry.
Goodnight.
‐Bye. ‐Bye‐bye now.
Goodnight.
[Balki chanting]
‐Balki. ‐Yes.
What are you doing?
I’m doing the Hongi Bongi.
It’s the, the ritual of purification.
I must be worthy to wear the hat.
Also, it makes my negotiating hormones kick in.
♪ Hey beegy ♪
♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong bong oh yeah ♪
‐Balki, can I ask a question? ‐Sure.
When you negotiate on Mypos what exactly is your goal?
Well, our goal is for each side
to agree on a fair price
and then party till we drop.
♪ Hey beegy... ♪
‐Balki. ‐Yes.
Forget the Hongi Bongi ritual of purification.
But, cousin, I‐I really have to‐‐
Balki, this is not Mypos. It’s America.
Sit down.
Balki, when Americans negotiate
they don’t, they don’t care about a fair price.
All they care about is getting as much as they can
for as little as possible. You see?
Now‐now the very first Americans
negotiated a deal with the Indians.
They gave them $24 worth of beads
for the island of Manhattan.
And now Americans are making billions of dollars
by selling the same island to the Japanese.
These beads...
...were they real or synthetic?
Balki, I think you’re going to have to find someone
to help you with American negotiating techniques.
You’re right.
Cousin, would you be my official negotiating adviser?
Well, I’d be honored.
There’s a ceremony.
I’d rather pass on that.
‐It’s important. ‐Is it necessary?
‐It’s mandatory. ‐Okay.
Let’s get the humiliation over with.
Cousin Larry Appleton
you are my official negotiating adviser.
‐That’s it? ‐That’s it. Got any advice?
Mr. Stanhouse will be with you shortly.
Thank you.
Cousin, this room is beautiful.
It’s even more beautiful
than the room at the Holiday Inn
where we went to that Amway meeting.
Don’t let it throw you.
Yeah, and remember what I taught you last night.
Never ever accept their first offer.
Even if they offer you $50,000, you say...
Fifty thousand dollars? Ha!
You must be joking.
‐Good. ‐Thank you.
Ooh, look at this.
Gentlemen, sorry to keep you waiting.
I’m J. R. Stanhouse.
Senior executive vice president
of Worldwide Amalgamated.
In charge of corporate acquisitions.
Larry Appleton, senior executive official adviser
to the official head negotiator
for the sovereign island nation of Mypos
in charge of a lot of important stuff.
Very pleased to meet you, Mr. Appleton.
And this is Balki Bartokomous
official negotiator for Mypos.
Mr. Bartokomous.
Gentlemen, uh, shall we get started?
Oh, no, no, no. Not‐not yet.
Uh, Cousin Larry and I
have to prepare the room for the negotiations.
Balki, is this really, really necessary?
Cousin, you agreed.
Okay. Ah, just bear with us for a moment.
♪ Hey beegy ♪ ♪ Hey beegy ♪
♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪ ♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪ ♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪ ♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪ ♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪ ♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong ♪ ♪ Bong bong bong bong ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong bong ♪ ♪ Bong bong bong bong bong ♪
♪ Doo‐wah ♪ ♪ Doo‐wah ♪
This room has been cleansed.
Please be seated.
Gentlemen, I trust you’re familiar
with the piece of land in question?
Familiar with it?
I, when I was a boy we used to go there every Saturday‐‐
Balki! Yes, uh, yes.
Yes, we are, Mr. Stanhouse
and I must compliment you
on your astute knowledge of valuable real estate.
‐Mr. Outhouse. ‐Oh.
A question.
Why does your company want 500 acres on Mypos?
Audits indicate that our debt ratio is highly underleveraged
and in order to avoid certain tax liabilities
we need to invest capital before the end of our fiscal year.
Ha ha ha, I know the problem well.
Now, we’re prepared to pay a very fair price
for the land in question.
In addition, the two of you
will be receiving a negotiator’s fee
of ten percent of the total purchase price.
Now, after careful examination
of the land on that part of the island‐‐
We get money?
Ten percent, to be paid by Worldwide of course.
‐Now‐‐ ‐We get money?
Gentlemen, for the 500 acres indicated
Worldwide Amalgamated
will pay to the island of Mypos $28 million.
Sold! Sold! It’s a deal!
Sold! It’s a deal! Here, where‐where do we sign?
Here, here, use my pen. You can use my pen.
Here we go! Here we go!
Cousin Larry can’t say "sold."
Only the head negotiator can say "sold."
Of course. I got a little excited.
Go ahead, Balki, you’re the head negotiator.
Say "sold!"
As the head negotiator
I’m going to have to study it
consider it, meditate on it.
I’ll get back to you
say the second Tuesday after the new moon?
I must inform you, sir
that Worldwide Amalgamated
is interested in other properties
so our offer is only good till 10 a. m. tomorrow.
(Larry) ’Balki, we are being offered ten percent of $28 million’
if you just say "yes."
Cousin, people don’t pay millions of dollars
for something that’s worthless.
Of course they do!
George Steinbrenner does it all the time.
I don’t know, cousin.
I‐I still have a funny feeling about it.
Balki, what more do you need to know?
Worldwide Amalgamated is one
of the nicest multinational corporations
in the Fortune 500.
Yeah, we read the annual reports
the press releases, the cover story in Time magazine.
I got this microfilm.
But reading the tiny print
is giving me a headache.
Alright. Balki, let’s focus here.
Now, could $28 million
improve the lives of the people on Mypos?
‐Yes. ‐Yes?
Yes. We could, we could build better roads.
Better roads.
‐New schools. ‐New schools!
And there has been talk of, of building a football stadium
and luring the Raiders over.
Well, Balki. This is your chance.
Mypos will have the Raiders!
The Raiderettes! The silver and black!
You mean, Bo knows sheepherding?
Yes.
Yes, he does.
So, in the morning you’ll accept this offer
and we’ll get expensive haircuts.
Oh, cousin, I wish I could say yes!
‐You can. ‐I can?
Yes, you can.
‐No, I can’t. ‐Why not?
Because I don’t know why Worldwide wants to buy the land.
Balki, they told you why they want to buy the land.
They’ve got a tax problem.
In fact, if you’d say yes
we would have one problem.
A big, beautiful, kiss it on the mouth
$2.8 million tax problem.
[knocking on door]
Cousin, I want you to calm down.
You’re getting a greed‐high again.
[knocking on door]
Why is this so hard?
Balk‐eye Bartookamouse?
I’m Balk‐eye.
Could you please sign...
Uh, take this pen and sign your name.
It’s from Worldwide.
"Dear, Mr. Bartokomous, effective immediately
"Worldwide Amalgamated withdraws its offer of $28 million.
"Further evaluation of the land in question
makes it prudent..."
Balki. I’m going to the window now.
If you need me, I’ll be on the pavement.
Take a sweater.
(Balki) ’"So effective immediately’
we are raising our offer to $35 million."
$35 million?
Balki, you are a genius.
You held out and squeezed
another $7 million out of them.
Do you think it would be too much if we hired a butler?
It seems like this is an offer I can’t refuse.
You can’t refuse? You can’t refuse? He can’t refuse!
What are you going to do with your share of the money?
I give it to the poor.
Good. They’ll be taken care of.
I can spend my share on myself.
Mr. Bartokomous is 20 minutes late.
If he doesn’t get here soon to sign those papers
I’m afraid our deal is off.
Oh, don’t worry. He’ll be here any minute.
He’s very hot for this deal.
What do you think of the new Mercedes?
Balki, where have you been?
Mr. Bartokomous, we were getting worried.
(Balki) I’m sorry.
I‐I had to return the documents
to the archive so I wouldn’t be slapped
with that ten cents a day late charge.
Mr. Bartokomous, shall we get started?
Certainly.
Mr. Appleton has the contracts.
All we need is your signature.
Well, uh, before that
there’s something that I must do.
Right, alright, alright. This, this will just take a minute.
♪ Hey beegy ♪
♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi... ♪
Stop, stop, stop!
You’re embarrassing me.
Now, sit down and listen.
Ahem.
Once upon a time...
...there was a beautiful island in the South Pacific
called Tamiki. And the Tamiki‐ites‐‐
Okay, uh, Balki, Balki here’s a thought.
Uh, why‐why don’t you, uh, s‐sign the papers first
and then do story time while they’re making out our checks?
Cousin, cousin, I’m trying to get this story
off the ground, okay?
Just, just...
The Tamiki‐ites were very happy.
And then one day they sold part of their island
to a big corporation.
Uh, the big corporation wanted to use that land
to store things.
What kind of things did they want to store?
Well, we’re not talking about things
that you would store in your garage
like, uh, Christmas decorations
and old National Geographic’s
and the occasional Pez dispenser
where the candy comes out of the fish head.
No. They wanted to store some other kind of things.
So...after a while
the palm trees started to die
and the water started to smell bad
and the Tamiki‐ites started to get sick.
And pretty soon they had to move away
from their beautiful island home
because it wasn’t beautiful anymore.
What the big corporation was storing there
was toxic waste.
And do you know what is the name
of the corporation that did this to Tamiki?
I’m feeling a little queasy.
Do you have any saltines?
The name of the corporation
is Seifert Incorporated.
Seifert Incorporated?
Well‐well, Balki, that’s a‐a very interesting fact
but these nice people work for Worldwide Amalgamated.
So, let’s sign the papers.
Worldwide Amalgamated owns Seifert Incorporated.
Babasticki!
I learned this fact when I took
the microfilm back to the archives.
And I would like to take this opportunity
to thank my official negotiating adviser, Cousin Larry
for suggesting that I show the microfilm on the machine.
I’m sorry, gentlemen. We have no deal.
Good day, gentlemen.
Find me another island.
‐No deal? ‐No deal.
But I wanted a deal.
I wanted to have a deal.
Come on, cousin. Come on.
Just think of it... Think of it this way.
We saved the lives of everyone on Mypos.
Well, I guess that’s a good thing.
But all that money.
Cousin, I know. I know.
I know. Come on, come on.
Ah, you’re right.
[sighing]
We did a good thing.
Well, actually, uh
you’re the one who did the good thing.
I was just trying to do the best thing for Mypos.
Well, you did.
[sighing]
I can understand why they asked you
to be the official negotiator.
That King Ferdinand is no fool.
Well, of course he’s not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
He just likes to wear the outfit.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[music continues]