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[theme music]
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♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
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♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
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♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
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♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
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♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
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♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪
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♪ This flame in my heart ♪
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♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
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♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
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♪ Standing tall ♪
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♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
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♪ Rise and fall ♪
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♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
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♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪
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♪ The wind and haze
I’m bound for better days ♪
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♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
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♪ And nothing’s
gonna stop me now ♪
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Okay, whose idea was it
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to go to the zoo
in the middle of winter?
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What a great day for the zoo.
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Balki, take off
the elephant nose.
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It was embarrassing enough
at the restaurant.
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Oh, come on, cousin.
Lighten up.
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Why you don’t put on
your alligator nose?
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The nose goes on, I go out.
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[knocking on door]
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Balk‐eye Bartookamouse?
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I’m Balk‐eye.
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Could you please sign your name?
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With a pen.
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There you go.
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Thank you.
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What is it, Balki?
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It’s from Mypos.
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No kidding.
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[Balki gasping]
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Oh, what, did
the village idiot die
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and they sent you his hat?
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Cousin, show some respect.
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This is the headpiece worn
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by the official negotiator
on Mypos.
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No negotiating can take
place without this hat.
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We call it The Hat
Of A Thousand Quibbles.
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Well, it’s beautiful.
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Does it come with instructions?
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Well, there’s a letter.
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It’s from King Ferdinand.
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Must be important.
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He wrote it on his
Garfield stationery.
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"Dear Balki.
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"A company in Chicago
called Worldwide Amalgamated
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"wants to buy
500 acres of land
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"on the north shore of Mypos.
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"And we want..."
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He wants me
to negotiate the sale.
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And they, they set up
a meeting for tomorrow.
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Excuse me. I’ve got
to start my preparations.
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♪ Hey beegy ♪
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♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
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♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪
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♪ Bong bong bong bong
bong bong bong bong ♪
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♪ Bong bong bong bong
bong oh yeah ♪
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Well, uh...
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...we’ll just
get out of your way.
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Bye, Balki.
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Bye, Mary Anne.
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Goodnight.
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Bye, Larry.
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Goodnight.
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‐Bye.
‐Bye‐bye now.
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Goodnight.
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[Balki chanting]
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‐Balki.
‐Yes.
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What are you doing?
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I’m doing the Hongi Bongi.
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It’s the, the ritual
of purification.
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I must be worthy
to wear the hat.
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Also, it makes my negotiating
hormones kick in.
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♪ Hey beegy ♪
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♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
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♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪
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♪ Bong bong bong bong
bong bong bong bong ♪
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♪ Bong bong bong bong
bong oh yeah ♪
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‐Balki, can I ask a question?
‐Sure.
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When you negotiate on Mypos
what exactly is your goal?
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Well, our goal is for each side
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to agree on a fair price
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and then party till we drop.
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♪ Hey beegy... ♪
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‐Balki.
‐Yes.
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Forget the Hongi Bongi
ritual of purification.
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But, cousin,
I‐I really have to‐‐
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Balki, this is not Mypos.
It’s America.
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Sit down.
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Balki, when Americans negotiate
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they don’t, they don’t care
about a fair price.
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All they care about is getting
as much as they can
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for as little as possible.
You see?
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Now‐now the very first Americans
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negotiated a deal
with the Indians.
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They gave them $24
worth of beads
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for the island of Manhattan.
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And now Americans
are making billions of dollars
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by selling the same island
to the Japanese.
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These beads...
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...were they real
or synthetic?
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Balki, I think you’re going
to have to find someone
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to help you with American
negotiating techniques.
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You’re right.
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Cousin, would you be my official
negotiating adviser?
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Well, I’d be honored.
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There’s a ceremony.
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I’d rather pass on that.
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‐It’s important.
‐Is it necessary?
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‐It’s mandatory.
‐Okay.
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Let’s get the humiliation
over with.
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Cousin Larry Appleton
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you are my official
negotiating adviser.
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‐That’s it?
‐That’s it. Got any advice?
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Mr. Stanhouse will be
with you shortly.
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Thank you.
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Cousin, this room is beautiful.
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It’s even more beautiful
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than the room at the Holiday Inn
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where we went
to that Amway meeting.
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Don’t let it throw you.
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Yeah, and remember
what I taught you last night.
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Never ever accept
their first offer.
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Even if they offer you
$50,000, you say...
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Fifty thousand dollars? Ha!
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You must be joking.
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‐Good.
‐Thank you.
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Ooh, look at this.
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Gentlemen, sorry
to keep you waiting.
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I’m J. R. Stanhouse.
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Senior executive vice president
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of Worldwide Amalgamated.
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In charge of corporate
acquisitions.
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Larry Appleton, senior executive
official adviser
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to the official head negotiator
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for the sovereign island
nation of Mypos
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in charge of a lot
of important stuff.
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Very pleased
to meet you, Mr. Appleton.
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And this is Balki Bartokomous
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official negotiator for Mypos.
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Mr. Bartokomous.
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Gentlemen, uh,
shall we get started?
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Oh, no, no, no.
Not‐not yet.
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Uh, Cousin Larry and I
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have to prepare the room
for the negotiations.
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Balki, is this really,
really necessary?
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Cousin, you agreed.
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Okay. Ah, just bear
with us for a moment.
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♪ Hey beegy ♪
♪ Hey beegy ♪
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♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
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♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
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♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪
♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪
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♪ Bong bong bong bong ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong ♪
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♪ Bong bong bong bong bong ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong bong ♪
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♪ Doo‐wah ♪
♪ Doo‐wah ♪
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This room has been cleansed.
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Please be seated.
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Gentlemen, I trust
you’re familiar
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with the piece
of land in question?
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Familiar with it?
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I, when I was a boy we used
to go there every Saturday‐‐
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Balki! Yes, uh, yes.
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Yes, we are, Mr. Stanhouse
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and I must compliment you
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on your astute knowledge
of valuable real estate.
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‐Mr. Outhouse.
‐Oh.
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A question.
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Why does your company
want 500 acres on Mypos?
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Audits indicate that our debt
ratio is highly underleveraged
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and in order to avoid
certain tax liabilities
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we need to invest capital before
the end of our fiscal year.
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Ha ha ha, I know
the problem well.
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Now, we’re prepared to pay
a very fair price
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for the land in question.
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In addition, the two of you
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will be receiving
a negotiator’s fee
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of ten percent
of the total purchase price.
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Now, after careful examination
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of the land on that part
of the island‐‐
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We get money?
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00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:55,181
Ten percent, to be paid
by Worldwide of course.
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00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,150
‐Now‐‐
‐We get money?
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00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:03,824
Gentlemen, for
the 500 acres indicated
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Worldwide Amalgamated
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00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:09,362
will pay to the island
of Mypos $28 million.
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00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:12,232
Sold! Sold!
It’s a deal!
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00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:31,184
Sold! It’s a deal!
Here, where‐where do we sign?
212
00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:33,219
Here, here, use my pen.
You can use my pen.
213
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,221
Here we go! Here we go!
214
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,327
Cousin Larry can’t say "sold."
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00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:44,297
Only the head negotiator
can say "sold."
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00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:46,366
Of course.
I got a little excited.
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00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,902
Go ahead, Balki,
you’re the head negotiator.
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00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,403
Say "sold!"
219
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,581
As the head negotiator
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00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:03,917
I’m going to have to study it
221
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,320
consider it, meditate on it.
222
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:08,922
I’ll get back to you
223
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:13,059
say the second Tuesday
after the new moon?
224
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,861
I must inform you, sir
225
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,062
that Worldwide Amalgamated
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00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,164
is interested
in other properties
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00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:21,001
so our offer is only good
till 10 a. m. tomorrow.
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00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:30,944
(Larry)
’Balki, we are being offered
ten percent of $28 million’
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00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,847
if you just say "yes."
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00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,550
Cousin, people don’t pay
millions of dollars
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for something
that’s worthless.
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00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:39,419
Of course they do!
233
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:42,022
George Steinbrenner
does it all the time.
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I don’t know, cousin.
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I‐I still have a funny
feeling about it.
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00:13:48,529 --> 00:13:51,097
Balki, what more
do you need to know?
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00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:52,365
Worldwide Amalgamated is one
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00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:54,400
of the nicest
multinational corporations
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00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,436
in the Fortune 500.
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Yeah, we read the annual reports
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the press releases, the cover
story in Time magazine.
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I got this microfilm.
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00:14:03,644 --> 00:14:05,078
But reading the tiny print
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is giving me a headache.
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00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:10,617
Alright.
Balki, let’s focus here.
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00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:15,155
Now, could $28 million
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00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:19,025
improve the lives
of the people on Mypos?
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‐Yes.
‐Yes?
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00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,463
Yes. We could,
we could build better roads.
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00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,998
Better roads.
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‐New schools.
‐New schools!
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And there has been talk of,
of building a football stadium
253
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:32,038
and luring the Raiders over.
254
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,376
Well, Balki.
This is your chance.
255
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,611
Mypos will have the Raiders!
256
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:40,514
The Raiderettes!
The silver and black!
257
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:43,383
You mean,
Bo knows sheepherding?
258
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,654
Yes.
259
00:14:47,688 --> 00:14:49,089
Yes, he does.
260
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:53,694
So, in the morning
you’ll accept this offer
261
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,896
and we’ll get
expensive haircuts.
262
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,499
Oh, cousin,
I wish I could say yes!
263
00:14:59,533 --> 00:15:01,134
‐You can.
‐I can?
264
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:02,468
Yes, you can.
265
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:07,107
‐No, I can’t.
‐Why not?
266
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,442
Because I don’t know why
Worldwide wants to buy the land.
267
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,512
Balki, they told you why
they want to buy the land.
268
00:15:11,545 --> 00:15:13,046
They’ve got a tax problem.
269
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,715
In fact, if you’d say yes
270
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:16,449
we would have one problem.
271
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,685
A big, beautiful,
kiss it on the mouth
272
00:15:18,719 --> 00:15:21,688
$2.8 million tax problem.
273
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,325
[knocking on door]
274
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:29,295
Cousin, I want you
to calm down.
275
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,364
You’re getting
a greed‐high again.
276
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:34,234
[knocking on door]
277
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:38,104
Why is this so hard?
278
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:41,642
Balk‐eye Bartookamouse?
279
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,512
I’m Balk‐eye.
280
00:15:45,546 --> 00:15:47,447
Could you please sign...
281
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,183
Uh, take this pen
and sign your name.
282
00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:12,372
It’s from Worldwide.
283
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:16,276
"Dear, Mr. Bartokomous,
effective immediately
284
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:22,315
"Worldwide Amalgamated withdraws
its offer of $28 million.
285
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:25,686
"Further evaluation
of the land in question
286
00:16:25,719 --> 00:16:28,121
makes it prudent..."
287
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:31,692
Balki. I’m going
to the window now.
288
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,563
If you need me,
I’ll be on the pavement.
289
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,766
Take a sweater.
290
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:44,571
(Balki)
’"So effective immediately’
291
00:16:44,605 --> 00:16:49,175
we are raising our offer
to $35 million."
292
00:16:51,645 --> 00:16:55,281
$35 million?
293
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:58,051
Balki, you are a genius.
294
00:17:02,488 --> 00:17:04,625
You held out and squeezed
295
00:17:04,658 --> 00:17:07,127
another $7 million
out of them.
296
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,195
Do you think it would be
too much if we hired a butler?
297
00:17:11,832 --> 00:17:14,200
It seems like this is an offer
I can’t refuse.
298
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:17,403
You can’t refuse? You can’t
refuse? He can’t refuse!
299
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:19,039
What are you going to do
with your share of the money?
300
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:21,474
I give it to the poor.
301
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:22,643
Good. They’ll be taken care of.
302
00:17:22,676 --> 00:17:24,778
I can spend my share on myself.
303
00:17:41,795 --> 00:17:44,264
Mr. Bartokomous
is 20 minutes late.
304
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,332
If he doesn’t get here soon
to sign those papers
305
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:47,701
I’m afraid our deal is off.
306
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,169
Oh, don’t worry.
He’ll be here any minute.
307
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,171
He’s very hot for this deal.
308
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,440
What do you think
of the new Mercedes?
309
00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:59,546
Balki, where have you been?
310
00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:01,748
Mr. Bartokomous,
we were getting worried.
311
00:18:01,782 --> 00:18:03,183
(Balki)
I’m sorry.
312
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:04,585
I‐I had to return the documents
313
00:18:04,618 --> 00:18:06,252
to the archive
so I wouldn’t be slapped
314
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:09,122
with that ten cents
a day late charge.
315
00:18:09,155 --> 00:18:11,357
Mr. Bartokomous, shall
we get started?
316
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:12,593
Certainly.
317
00:18:12,626 --> 00:18:14,394
Mr. Appleton has the contracts.
318
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:15,896
All we need is your signature.
319
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,898
Well, uh, before that
320
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,901
there’s something
that I must do.
321
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:24,505
Right, alright, alright. This,
this will just take a minute.
322
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:27,140
♪ Hey beegy ♪
323
00:18:27,173 --> 00:18:29,743
♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
324
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,178
♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
325
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,479
♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
326
00:18:33,514 --> 00:18:34,615
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
327
00:18:34,648 --> 00:18:35,682
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
328
00:18:35,716 --> 00:18:36,917
♪ Hongi bongi ♪
329
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:38,418
♪ Hongi bongi... ♪
330
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,521
Stop, stop, stop!
331
00:18:41,555 --> 00:18:43,524
You’re embarrassing me.
332
00:18:48,929 --> 00:18:50,897
Now, sit down and listen.
333
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:54,535
Ahem.
334
00:18:56,537 --> 00:18:59,305
Once upon a time...
335
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:01,775
...there was a beautiful
island in the South Pacific
336
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,210
called Tamiki.
And the Tamiki‐ites‐‐
337
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:05,879
Okay, uh, Balki,
Balki here’s a thought.
338
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,549
Uh, why‐why don’t you,
uh, s‐sign the papers first
339
00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:12,352
and then do story time while
they’re making out our checks?
340
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,187
Cousin, cousin, I’m trying
to get this story
341
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:15,522
off the ground, okay?
342
00:19:15,556 --> 00:19:17,591
Just, just...
343
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,793
The Tamiki‐ites were very happy.
344
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,596
And then one day they sold
part of their island
345
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:23,930
to a big corporation.
346
00:19:23,964 --> 00:19:26,399
Uh, the big corporation
wanted to use that land
347
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,969
to store things.
348
00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:31,404
What kind of things
did they want to store?
349
00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:33,940
Well, we’re not talking
about things
350
00:19:33,974 --> 00:19:35,676
that you would store
in your garage
351
00:19:35,709 --> 00:19:38,211
like, uh, Christmas decorations
352
00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:40,781
and old National Geographic’s
353
00:19:40,814 --> 00:19:43,349
and the occasional Pez dispenser
354
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:45,385
where the candy comes out
of the fish head.
355
00:19:46,987 --> 00:19:50,691
No. They wanted to store
some other kind of things.
356
00:19:50,724 --> 00:19:53,694
So...after a while
357
00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:55,829
the palm trees started to die
358
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,733
and the water
started to smell bad
359
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:02,569
and the Tamiki‐ites
started to get sick.
360
00:20:02,603 --> 00:20:04,571
And pretty soon
they had to move away
361
00:20:04,605 --> 00:20:06,006
from their beautiful island home
362
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:08,709
because it wasn’t
beautiful anymore.
363
00:20:08,742 --> 00:20:10,644
What the big corporation
was storing there
364
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:13,714
was toxic waste.
365
00:20:13,747 --> 00:20:15,015
And do you know
what is the name
366
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:17,450
of the corporation
that did this to Tamiki?
367
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:18,919
I’m feeling a little queasy.
368
00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:20,887
Do you have any saltines?
369
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,324
The name of the corporation
370
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:26,259
is Seifert Incorporated.
371
00:20:27,928 --> 00:20:29,730
Seifert Incorporated?
372
00:20:29,763 --> 00:20:31,998
Well‐well, Balki, that’s
a‐a very interesting fact
373
00:20:32,032 --> 00:20:34,801
but these nice people work
for Worldwide Amalgamated.
374
00:20:34,835 --> 00:20:36,937
So, let’s sign the papers.
375
00:20:38,539 --> 00:20:41,975
Worldwide Amalgamated
owns Seifert Incorporated.
376
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,610
Babasticki!
377
00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:48,582
I learned this fact when I took
378
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:50,584
the microfilm back
to the archives.
379
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:52,686
And I would like
to take this opportunity
380
00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:56,389
to thank my official negotiating
adviser, Cousin Larry
381
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:59,760
for suggesting that I show
the microfilm on the machine.
382
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,632
I’m sorry, gentlemen.
We have no deal.
383
00:21:05,666 --> 00:21:07,568
Good day, gentlemen.
384
00:21:07,601 --> 00:21:09,536
Find me another island.
385
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,976
‐No deal?
‐No deal.
386
00:21:16,009 --> 00:21:17,611
‐No deal?
‐No deal.
387
00:21:17,644 --> 00:21:20,013
But I wanted a deal.
388
00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:22,783
I wanted to have a deal.
389
00:21:34,928 --> 00:21:38,732
Come on, cousin. Come on.
390
00:21:38,765 --> 00:21:41,401
Just think of it...
Think of it this way.
391
00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:43,837
We saved the lives
of everyone on Mypos.
392
00:21:45,539 --> 00:21:48,374
Well, I guess
that’s a good thing.
393
00:21:50,711 --> 00:21:53,079
But all that money.
394
00:21:53,113 --> 00:21:54,948
Cousin, I know. I know.
395
00:21:54,981 --> 00:21:57,083
I know. Come on, come on.
396
00:21:57,117 --> 00:21:59,085
Ah, you’re right.
397
00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:00,386
[sighing]
398
00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:02,488
We did a good thing.
399
00:22:02,523 --> 00:22:03,657
Well, actually, uh
400
00:22:03,690 --> 00:22:06,693
you’re the one
who did the good thing.
401
00:22:06,727 --> 00:22:09,963
I was just trying
to do the best thing for Mypos.
402
00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:11,565
Well, you did.
403
00:22:12,432 --> 00:22:13,834
[sighing]
404
00:22:16,937 --> 00:22:18,471
I can understand
why they asked you
405
00:22:18,505 --> 00:22:21,041
to be the official negotiator.
406
00:22:21,074 --> 00:22:23,109
That King Ferdinand is no fool.
407
00:22:23,143 --> 00:22:24,811
Well, of course he’s not.
408
00:22:24,845 --> 00:22:26,580
Don’t be ridiculous.
409
00:22:29,149 --> 00:22:31,718
He just likes
to wear the outfit.
410
00:22:33,654 --> 00:22:35,589
[instrumental music]
411
00:22:41,662 --> 00:22:44,064
[theme music]
412
00:23:08,088 --> 00:23:10,023
[music continues]