[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
[humming]
♪ If there’s something strange ♪
♪ In your neighborhood ♪
♪ Who you gonna call ♪
♪ Dirtbuster ♪
♪ And it don’t look good ♪
♪ Who you gonna call ♪
♪ Dirtbuster ♪
♪ I ain’t afraid of no dirt ♪
Oh, cousin!
I see you ate a doughnut on the way home.
I brought you your favorite... chocolate covered.
Hot diggity doughnut!
But I can’t eat them right now
and I’ll tell you why.
Because I’ve got some news that’s gonna blow your nose.
What’s that?
Cousin, Marvin is on his way
over here to take us out to dinner.
Marvin? Marvin who?
Marvin Berman. Don’t you remember him?
Marvin Berman...
...Marvin Berman?
Marvin Berman!
(Larry) ’Alright, you stay. We’re leaving.’
Nobody is going anywhere.
Oh, and how are you going to stop us?
With this.
[intense music]
Oh, my Lord!
He’s wearing a dynamite vest.
Marvin...
...why are you doing this over a silly article?
Because it gave all the credit to that idiot boss of mine.
When the real mastermind behind the money laundering scheme...
...was me.
‐You? ‐Yes.
I set up the dummy corporations.
I set up the fake bank accounts.
I picked out the office furniture.
[timer beeping]
Guys...
Guys, I can’t turn off the timer.
Oh, God...
...I‐I’m no good under pressure.
Oh! I‐I‐I’m‐I’m a fainter.
No. No! Marvin! Marvin!
Marvin, wake up!
Cousin, we better do something soon.
We’ve only got 20 seconds left.
Twenty seconds?
Eighteen...
...seventeen... sixteen...
Balki, we’re gonna die!
We’re gonna die!
We’re going to die!
How could you do this to me?
How could you invite
a certified homicidal maniac
into our home?
I can’t talk while you’re doing that.
Thank you.
Cousin, first of all...
...Marvin is not a certified homicidal mechanic.
He’s a certified public accountant.
Balki, he tried to blow us up.
Oh! Is that what you’re worried about?
Marvin has kicked the dynamite habit.
His therapist says he’s completely cured
and he just wants to come over and take us out to dinner
as a way of saying thanks.
Thanks for what?
For keeping him from being blown to figurines.
Balki, I really need some time to think about this.
Well, of course you do, don’t be ridiculous.
Take all the time you need.
[knock on door]
Time’s up. That’s Marvin.
‐Marvin! ‐Hello, Balki.
‐Oh. ‐Oh.
‐Hi, Larry. ‐Hi, Marvin.
Oh, it’s good to see you guys.
Oh boy, it’s good to see you too.
Listen, guys, I have something I have to show you.
I am wearing...
...a dynamite vest!
Oh! Oh! Oh.
‐Gotcha. ‐Oh, Marvin.
You are some kidder.
Well, Dr. Shore at the hospital told me
if I could laugh at my problems
I’d be able to handle them better.
Well, it kind of makes it rough
on the rest of us, Marvin.
Oh, hey, I’m sorry, Larry.
Listen, if it weren’t for you two guys
I‐I’d still be trying to solve my problems
by blowing people up.
Oh, Marvin, po, po, po...
I’m sure after you exploded one bomb on your chest
you’d see it wasn’t a solution.
Maybe.
But you guys changed my life.
You got, you got me to give myself up, get psychiatric help
testify against my boss...
...who took all the credit for that
money laundering scheme that was actually my idea!
‐Marvin. ‐I’m over that now.
L‐listen, I owe you guys a lot, and the least I can do
is take you out for a night on the town.
Oh, cousin, isn’t that nice?
‐Charming. ‐Wait a minute.
‐What’s this? ‐Dynamite!
Hit the deck!
Gotcha again. It’s chocolate.
See? "Shtick of dynamite."
The‐the‐the candy store also had a butterscotch hand grenade
but I thought this was funnier.
Oh, I tell you, the‐the doctor was right.
Having a sense of humor makes life a blast.
[laughs]
Oh! Makes life a blast!
"Life a blast."
[laughs]
Oh! Ha ha ha!
[no audio]
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I haven’t, I haven’t, I haven’t even told you
the punch line yet.
So the guy turns around to the kangaroo
and he says, "Don’t look at me. You’re the one with the pouch!"
I love marsupial humor.
Boy, am I glad I didn’t blow you guys up.
Oh boy, I am too.
Hey...to celebrate the fact that we’re still alive
I’m gonna make some cocoa.
Oh! Oh, ya, you know, Marvin, I‐I gotta tell ya
[chuckles] I‐I was a little nervous at first.
‐Oh! Ah! ‐You are an okay guy.
No, this evening has been a lot of fun.
It sure has.
You know, a lot of people told me, I‐I shouldn’t go out
in public, because they figured I’d be gunned down.
Marvin, you want marshmallows?
Two, please.
Marvin, wh‐what do you mean
you might be gunned down?
Oh, don’t worry about me.
Tomorrow, I go into
the Government Witness Protection program.
Congratulations, Marvin. Cousin, you want marshmallows?
One. Thanks.
Marvin...who do you need to be protected from?
I thought all the people you testified
against were sent to prison.
All except two.
They couldn’t make a case against them, heh‐heh.
Balki... which do you prefer?
The big marshmallows or the minis?
Oh, I like the big ones.
They last longer and every once in a while
you come across one that looks like Tip O’Neill.
Marvin, these two guys that you didn’t send to prison
aren’t they kind of upset with you?
Oh, yeah.
But who cares? They’re just a couple of enforcers.
Balki, just a suggestion...nutmeg.
Love it!
‐Enforcers? ‐Yeah.
You know, gangsters, hit men who kill people.
‐Who wants Sweet’n Low? ‐Me.
Well, Marvin, you shouldn’t be out in public.
Larry, there is nothing to worry about.
‐I have contacts. ‐Contacts?
You mean you know people who will protect you from the mob?
No. I mean, I’m wearing contacts.
They change the color of my eyes.
Nobody will recognize me.
‐Changes my whole appearance. ‐Well, Marvin.
You know, uh, it’s been very nice seeing you again
and good luck in all your endeavors.
Wait a minute! I‐I haven’t had my cocoa yet.
We’ll mail it to you.
I‐I don’t believe what my eyes are hearing.
Was it the nutmeg remark? I’m not married to the nutmeg.
‐Cousin‐‐ ‐No, Balki, don’t you get it?
The mob is after this man.
They want to kill him, and if we are with him
they might want to kill us too.
Are you saying you want me to leave?
Because if you want me to leave, just say you want me to leave.
‐I want you to leave. ‐What are you saying?
We’re saying, we‐we don’t want you to leave.
Cousin, cousin, your imagination is playing
trick or treat with your mind.
We haven’t seen anyone that looks like
they want to hurt Marvin.
Uh, of course, you wouldn’t see them.
No, no, no. T‐they’re professionals.
That’s right.
For all we know they could have been following us all night.
We‐we don’t know if they’re just watching us right now...
Oh, my Lord!
The‐the blinds are wide open!
Cousin, cousin, cousin
you’re making a mountain out of a Mohawk.
The next thing you’re going to say
is that‐that big, humongous man
standing across the street is a killer.
Oh, my God!
That looks like Max the Terminator!
It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Arnold, loved you in "Twins!"
No, no, no, no, no.
Max is the mob’s top hit man. He’s the best.
‐This is really quite an honor. ‐Well...you deserve it.
Oh!
We’ve got to call the police.
Hello! Hello? The phone’s dead.
They cut the wires.
Well, they’re in big trouble now.
They’ll have to answer to the phone company for this.
We’ve got to make a run for it!
Cousin, why we did come back in?
Because there’s a man blocking the stairs.
He must be one of the killers.
He’s wearing a shoulder holster.
Well, just because the man is a fashion maverick
don’t mean he’s a bad person.
A gun! He has a gun in the shoulder holster.
Oh God! We’re trapped!
We’re all gonna die!
[instrumental music]
There’s a hit man on the street, another on the stairs.
I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna die.
‐I don’t wanna die. ‐No, Marvin! Marvin! Marvin!
‐Pull yourself together! ‐Whoa!
Oh, I don’t feel too good.
I better lie down.
I’m a fainter, you know.
Oh.
It’s gonna be alright. It’s gonna be alright.
We just have to find a way
to get a message out of here!
Cousin, if we were outdoors, we could make a fire
and send up smoke signals.
Yeah, well, we’re not outdoors...
‐Signals! Yes! ‐I’ll get the matches!
You want me to start breaking up furniture?
No! No!
Balki!
[grunts]
Not smoke signals.
We’ll tap out a distress signal in Morse Code on the ceiling.
Jennifer and Mary Anne will hear it
and call the police!
Let’s go!
(both) Aah!
Jennifer and Mary Anne know Morse Code?
They’re flight attendants.
They learn all the codes, Morse, area, zip.
Now, we’ll send an SOS.
S is dot‐dash‐dot.
‐No cousin, it’s dot‐dot‐dot. ‐No, it’s dot‐dash‐dot.
‐Dot‐dot‐dot. ‐Dot‐dash‐dot.
Cousin, cousin.
I used to work for Mypos Western Union, okay?
Dot‐dot‐dot.
Alright. Yeah, wait!
[pounding]
Sorry.
I guess I over‐tapped.
[knock on door]
Wow!
That was quick.
I must be good.
Well, careful. This could be a trick.
Who is it?
(Jennifer) ’Larry, stop clowning around.’
Jennifer, Mary Anne, get‐get in here quick.
What’s all the screaming about?
Girls, go back upstairs
we’re trying to send you a message to call the police.
Well, it’s too late now.
No, it isn’t, cousin, the police are open all night.
Larry, What’s all this about the police?
Jennifer, I don’t want to alarm you
but we’re surrounded by killers.
You’re kidding, right?
No, he’s serious.
‐Who are you? ‐Uh, I’m Marvin Berman.
The man the killers are trying to kill.
How do you do?
I’m Mary Anne. Nice to meet you.
Someone’s trying to kill you?
Well, I‐I think, I think I can clear this up.
You see, Marvin, uh, was a witness against the mob
and they’re not taking it well
so...they sent Arnold Schwarzenegger
and the fashion victim down the hall...to kill him.
But don’t worry, because if we can hold on till tomorrow
Marvin will be in the Witness Projectile Program.
Marvin Berman!
Well, you’re the guy who tried to blow up Larry and Balki.
‐Guilty as charged. ‐Oh.
Why don’t we just call the police?
The phone lines have been cut.
‐You mean, we’re trapped? ‐No, we are not.
Someone could go up the fire escape
across the roof to the next building.
‐You could get help there. ‐That might work.
Even if Max shoots, the falling body will draw attention.
Well, somebody’s got to do something.
‐I’m going. ‐Be careful, Larry.
Jennifer, if I don’t come back...
...promise me you’ll never marry.
Gee, Larry, never is a long time.
I’ll have to think about it.
That’s good enough for me.
Well...
...I guess this is it.
(Balki) ’There goes a brave man.’
’A man who is willing to risk his life’
for his friends.
A man who is willing
to fight any foe.
A man, who is coming back in the window.
There’s another man on the roof.
There’s no way out.
Boy, I bet they wouldn’t treat me like this
if I was wearing dynamite.
[knock on door]
(male #1) ’Anybody home? It’s the phone man.’
Oh, thank goodness, it’s the phone man.
(all) No. No! No!
Mary Anne, it’s the oldest trick in the book.
They cut the phone lines, and then they send in
a killer posing as a repairman.
Oh, what are we going to do?
Alright, look.
We’ll take him by surprise.
When he comes in, we’ll throw a blanket over him
and tie him up! Balki, you get the tape.
Good idea, cousin. We’ll record the capture.
Not that kind of tape.
Get tape to tie him up.
Alright, Jennifer and Mary Anne
don’t open the door till I give you the signal.
Marvin, stick with me.
[knock on door]
(male #1) ’Anybody home? It’s the phone man.’
[knock on door]
Ready?
Now.
Won’t you come in?
I’m here to eliminate a problem.
[screaming]
Spin him.
Balki, quick! In the closet.
Not you!
Him! Him!
Now all we have to do is do that every time
someone knocks on the door, and we’re home free.
I hope we don’t run out of blankets.
[knock on door]
[mumbling]
Right.
‐Won’t you come in? ‐Hello, I’m looking for‐‐
[screaming]
Spin him!
Freeze! FBI!
Cousin, it’s the oldest trick in the book.
They pose as FBI agents
and then they come in and fix your phone.
‐Dr. Shore! ‐You know him?
Shore? Sure.
I’m a psychiatrist.
I’ve been working with Marvin for the past six months.
So these really are FBI agents.
You know, in this light
he doesn’t look like Max the Terminator at all.
But he does kind of look like the neighbor on "Doogie Howser."
A lot of people tell me that.
Marvin ran away from the hotel
where he was being held in protective custody...
...and given his rather explosive past
the FBI thought it would be wise
if I talk him into coming back.
You didn’t have to go to all that trouble.
Marvin, don’t you think it would be nice
if you went with these gentlemen
and got a head start on your new life?
Sure, Dr. Shore.
Oh, Balki, Larry...
...it’s really been an exciting evening.
Marvin, I’m gonna miss you, you big lug nut!
Oh! I’m gonna miss you too.
Listen, if you’re ever in Topeka, Kansas, look me up.
M‐my new name’s Orville Purdue.
Marvin!
You’re not supposed to tell people that.
Oh! Ugh, forget that, forget that.
‐Oh! Goodbye, Larry. ‐Goodbye, Marvin.
Nice meeting you, ladies.
‐Coming, Shore? ‐Sure.
Well, h‐how do you like that?
They weren’t killers after all. They were FBI.
Larry, don’t take this personally
but this is the last time
I come downstairs when I hear screaming.
Perfectly understandable.
Thanks for a lovely evening, Balki.
I don’t get it, I thought we were gonna see
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Well, why don’t we clean this place up?
Then I’m gonna turn in.
Fear of death really tires me out.
(both) Oh! Oh! Oh!
W‐w‐we’re sorry.
I’m so sorry.
We‐we thought you were, uh, a killer.
Well, I’m not a killer, I’m with the phone company!
The phones in this building are out.
By the way, where’s your phone?
Uh, it’s right over there.
Thanks.
While you’re here, we’d like to talk to you about call waiting.
You got it!
Well, if that’s all it took, we could have done it ourselves.
[theme music]