[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
♪ Who can take a mailbag ♪
♪ Mailbag mailbag ♪
♪ Dump it on his desk ♪ ♪ Dump it on his desk ♪
♪ Stamp each letter twice ♪
♪ Before he has to take a rest ♪
♪ The Balki man ♪
♪ Oh the Balki man can ♪
Bartokomous.
♪ The Balki man can ♪
♪ ’Cause he wets it with his tongue ♪
♪ To make the stamp stay on ♪
Bartokomous, where is Mr. Glover’s mail?
I’m proud to say that the mail
for the new executive vice president
was delivered first thing this morning by sincerely yours.
Oh! Darn it.
I wanted to deliver Mr. Glover’s mail myself.
Never mind. I’ll send him a gift.
Oh, he’ll like that.
Something classy.
I wonder if "Bambi" is available.
I’m sure it is.
I‐I returned my copy this morning.
It’s kind of fun watching Gorpley grovel.
Well, I think we’ve all been a little nervous
ever since Mr. Wainwright gave Glover carte blanche
to reorganize the newspaper.
Question, cousin.
Why would Mr. Wainwright give him carte blanche
when more businesses worldwide accept Visa and MasterCard?
No, Balki, carte blanche means
Glover can make any changes he wants to.
And that includes hiring and firing.
Well, at least I can rest easy.
When your advice column is syndicated
in over 800 newspapers
you don’t have to worry about your job.
Well, I got rid of some of the dead wood
in advertising, Mr. Wainwright.
That’s‐that’s him. That’s Mr. Glover.
And there’s a bright young reporter
in the financial department, Craig Howard
who should have his own column, if that’s alright with you, sir.
Whatever you think’s best, Glover.
If you can do for us what you did
for the St. Louis examiner, I’ll be a happy man.
You can count on it, Mr. Wainwright.
You just enjoy your week at the publisher’s conference.
Have a nice trip, Mr. Wainwright.
Thank you, Appleton.
Appleton.
Appleton?
Oh, so you wrote the article
on corruption in the sanitation department?
Good job.
Thank you, Mr. Glover, thank you.
Oh, uh, Mr. Wainwright.
If you run into Rupert Murdoch at the conference
be sure and tell him Lydia Markham says hello.
We’re‐we’re old friends.
Oh, so you are Lydia Markham.
I wanted to talk to you about your readers.
Oh, yes.
There are a lot of them, aren’t there?
Yes. But unfortunately, they’re all over 40.
We’re trying to appeal to a younger crowd now
Lydia, and you’re not helping. Be in my office at 2:00.
Miss Lydia, are‐are you okay?
You want, you want to sit down?
Sit down? Who’s got time to sit down?
If I‐I don’t start writing about pimples
petting and puberty, I’m history!
Cousin, Miss Lydia seemed really upset.
Yeah, upset, too bad.
Did you hear what Glover said about my article?
Balki, this could be it.
I know Craig Howard in financial
I’m twice the writer he is.
And he is getting his own column!
Maybe you’ll get two columns!
Balki, the point is, if Glover’s moved him up
I can’t be far behind.
Cousin, maybe your ship has finally hit the fan!
Oh good. I’m glad you’re still here.
I wanted to talk to you about a promotion.
I’ve created a new department here called Editorial Services
and I think the most qualified person
to head up that department is you.
‐Thank you, sir. ‐Not you.
I was talking to him.
Congratulations, Bartokomous.
You’re an executive.
You! You’re fired.
[instrumental music]
But why did Mr. Grover give you such a big office?
Because he had to, it’s the only place they could fit
my giant, humongous desk.
Have you seen his desk, Larry?
No, I was busy working all day
at my little desk in the...
...in the giant, humongous basement.
Tell me about the chair again, Balki.
Well, it’s a rolling chair.
And it’s just like Cousin Larry’s
only it has all its wheels.
And...it’s covered with leather.
Before we get into fabrics
uh, does anybody want some more coffee?
‐Oh, no. ‐No, thanks.
Well, I’ll make some anyway ’cause I wanna be alert
when we discuss the carpeting.
Oh, the carpeting!
’I’m pretty sure it’s an Anso 4 thread nylon’
’and, uh, did I mention it’s Wear‐Dated?’
Um, Larry, is Balki’s promotion bothering you?
Well, I‐I just don’t get it.
I mean this morning he was working in the mail room.
And this afternoon he’s got a huge office
on the executive floor.
Well, maybe you’re a little jealous of Balki.
Oh, Jennifer, please.
Please.
I mean, do you think I’d be jealous of Balki
just because he has his own office?
Well, I‐‐
Deep pile carpeting and a huge desk...
Larry, I just felt that there was‐‐
And a window that looks out over the Chicago skyline
so he can sit in his Corinthian leather chair
and enjoy the sunset, ha ha.
I mean, do you think that would make me jealous?
Yes.
Okay, you’re right.
But I’m not gonna let any petty jealousy
stop me from being happy for my best friend.
You know, I think powerful men are very sexy.
You do?
I do.
Balki, buddy.
I just want you to know
that no one is happier for you than I am.
Oh, thank you, cousin.
And if anybody deserves a break, you do.
Oh, cousin, thank you.
Listen...I know I don’t need to say this.
But I want you to know that my new executive lifestyle
is not going to change our friendship in any way.
I know that.
And to celebrate your promotion
I’d like to take you to lunch tomorrow.
Tomorrow’s no good for me.
[instrumental music]
(female #1) ’There’s a Mr. Appleton here to see you.’
(Balki) ’Cousin Larry!’
Oh, I’m so glad you come to visit me.
Well, my pleasure.
‐Interesting outfit. ‐Oh, thank you.
I’m trying to dress for excess.
Well, you’re succeeding.
Well, Balki, th‐this place is incredible.
Oh, thank you, cousin.
Cousin, cousin, you‐you come, look at this. Look at this.
They are so generous.
They give me a refrigerator and a microwave.
I’m conducting an experiment
to see how fast I can boil water
and then freeze it.
My personal best is 18 minutes.
Well, I guess the 15‐minute barrier
is right around the corner.
And, cousin, as if all of this weren’t enough, look at this.
Look at this!
They gave me...
...my very own...
...salad maker!
Balki, that’s a paper shredder.
A paper salad?
Interesting concept.
I guess with a light vinaigrette and some croutons, why not?
Well, it sounds tasty
but a‐actually I’m here on business.
Mr. Glover assigned me to interview you for the newspaper.
‐Get out of the city! ‐No, I’m serious.
He wants me to trace what he calls
your meteoric rise from the mail room
to head of Editorial Services.
Well, why don’t we step on over here...
...to what I like to call
my "Sitting down and talking area?"
And get up close and personal.
Great.
Uh, maybe you could tell me what the head of Editorial Services
does on a typical day?
Oh! Oh, oh, oh.
So many things.
I‐I just, I don’t know where to begin.
I’m as busy as a mosquito in a nudist colony.
I’ll go, I’ll‐I’ll go read you from my book.
"One o’clock, get my picture taken.
"Two o’clock, get my picture taken.
"Three o’clock...
...get my picture taken."
Balki, is‐is that all you do
get your picture taken?
Well, of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
"3:30, meet with Cousin Larry."
But we better wrap this up quick
because at 4 o’clock I’ve got to...
(both) Get my picture taken.
[knock on door]
‐Mr. Bartokomous. ‐’Mr. Glover!’
Uh, Mr. Bartokomous, some members
of the Chamber of Commerce are outside.
Would you mind having your picture taken?
Would I mind?
Does Miss Mypos have a moustache?
I’ll‐I’ll be right back.
Mr. Glover...
...I’m glad you’re here.
I’m‐I’m having a little trouble with this assignment.
Uh, uh, maybe you can clear some things up for me.
I’d be happy to.
What exactly does the head of Editorial Services do?
Well, he’s a...
...liaison between editorial operations and management
providing a vital source of input to reduce friction
and enhance efficiency.
And how precisely does Balki do that?
Well, in a, uh, variety of ways
by networking within the infrastructure
and interfacing with the private sector.
I’m sorry, Mr. Glover
but that‐that sounds like a lot of double‐talk
for somebody who’s got no job at all.
Okay, Appleton, okay.
Let me clear something up for you.
Have you ever heard of a government program
called American Dream?
Well, sure, It’s a training program for immigrants.
Helps them acquire the skills necessary
to advance in the business community.
Hmm, that’s the one.
Well, I promoted Bartokomous
as a part of that program.
As far as I can tell, you’re not training Balki to do anything.
[chuckling] It’s a waste of time.
Now, it’s much easier to have you write an article
that makes it look like I trained him.
Well, Mr. Glover, what you’re doing
is...tokenism.
I‐I can’t write a story to help you do that.
Well, okay.
If you, if you can’t write it
well, uh, I can find, uh, someone else who can
while you look for another job.
Think about it.
[instrumental music]
Jennifer, it’s just not right.
What Glover has done is take a valuable program
that helps people who could use a break
and turned it into a meaningless showcase.
Larry, you have to tell Balki what’s happening.
Well, I’ve tried to everyday this week
but he’s so happy.
I just hate to burst his bubble.
Well, maybe he’s not as happy as you think he is.
I am the happiest Mypiot
in the entire solar plexus!
Then again, what do I know?
Well, I have to go. I’ll see you later.
Jennifer, Jennifer...
...we don’t see enough of each other anymore.
Have your people call my people
and we’ll do lunch?
I’ll do that.
‐Bye. ‐Bye.
Well, Balki...
...it seems you’re really happy with your new job.
Oh, come on, cousin. Get real.
I’m living the life of Pat Riley!
How could I not be happy?
I mean, how could I not be happy?
I guess you got everything.
I sure do.
[sobbing] So how could I not be happy?
Balki, Balki
you mean, you’re not happy?
No, I’m not.
Well, why not?
I don’t know.
I know I should be.
I know I’ve got everything a Mypiot could wish for
[sobbing] but something’s missing.
What?
[sobbing] Something’s missing.
What?
‐Something’s missing. ‐Oh, something’s missing.
Well, yes, Balki.
What’s missing is a real job.
But I have a real job. I’m head of Editorial Services.
And what exactly does the head of Editorial Services do?
I don’t know.
Every time I ask Mr. Glover what my job is...
...I get my picture taken.
I’m beginning to feel
like the Christie Brinkley of "The Chronicle."
Well, Balki, I’m afraid that’s exactly what you are.
I am?
Oh, cousin, I hope they don’t have a Swimsuit Issue.
No, Balki, what I mean is, Glover has created this job
so it’ll look like "The Chronicle" is complying
with a government program that helps immigrants.
But there really is no job at all.
It’s a fake, a sham, and‐and you’re just a...
...a puppet in Glover’s sleazy scheme.
Oh, cousin, that is the best news
I’ve heard since they brought back "The Munsters."
‐It is? ‐Yes.
I thought that everyone knew what my job was, but me.
Now, I can quit this sleazy puppet show
and go back to the mail room.
No, Balki, Balki.
If you do that, Glover will just replace you
with somebody else.
But that won’t solve the problem.
No, it won’t.
What we have to do is find a way to get rid of Glover
so the program will work the way it’s supposed to.
How we do that?
Well, I think if we give Glover enough rope...
...he just might hang himself.
I’d prefer nonviolence.
[instrumental music]
Appleton, I’ve just gotten off the plane.
I’ve got jet lagged, and I’ve eaten airline food.
What is so important that I come here
before I go to my office?
Mr. Wainwright, we thought you might be interested
in some of the changes Mr. Glover has made.
So, I’d like you to meet the new head of Editorial Services.
Fine, have him call me. We’ll have lunch.
M‐Mr. Wainwright, it’s me, Balki Bartokomous.
You?
Well, I‐I’m sure Glover knows what he’s doing.
He knows what he’s doing.
But we thought you should know what he’s doing.
Mr. Glover’s on his way up.
‐Okay. ‐Mr. Wainwright.
There’s no time to explain
but what Glover’s doing is wrong.
And you’re the only person with the power to stop him.
So, we were wondering if you’d mind very much
hiding under the desk?
What?
Well, I know it’s a strange request but it‐it’s the only way
we can prove our case against Glover.
You want me to get under the desk?
Y‐Yes, sir.
If I’m wrong, you can fire me.
That’s a given.
‐Mr. Glover’s here. ‐Okay, okay.
I don’t believe I’m doing this.
Appleton!
They told me I would find you here.
This is not the article I told you to write.
Now, you do it over, and you do it my way.
Well, I just told the truth
uh, about the way you’re implementing
the American Dream program.
And I merely pointed out that Balki isn’t getting
the real opportunities the‐the program is designed to give.
Oh, well, why don’t we ask Balki about that?
Balki?
Are you unhappy in your new position here?
Well, I’m not one to complain
but all I do is get my picture taken.
I’m starting to get flashbulb burn.
Mr. Glover, doesn’t the program have something
to do with training immigrants?
Oh, sure. Sure. I could train him.
But then he’d go to lunch
and I’d have to train him again.
Forgive me, Mr‐Mr. Glover.
I’m‐I’m just a poor, ignorant immigrant.
English is not my mother’s tongue.
But are you saying
you never had any intention
of giving me anything to do?
No. You’re doing something, Bartokomous.
You’re taking a job away from a real American
who deserves it.
Oh, I see.
So‐so you’re saying
that if a person is not born here
then he has no right to work here.
No, no, no, no, you foreigners can work here
but the good jobs should go to real Americans.
Now, am I talking too fast for you?
Mr. Glover, you may have been born in America
but you’re not much of an American.
You’re too small and narrow minded
to know the meaning of the word.
Oh, really?
Well, maybe you know the meaning of these words...
...you’re fired!
I’ll do the firing around here.
Uh, M‐M‐Mr. Wainwright. How‐how was your trip, sir?
Save it, Glover. Clean out your desk.
Clean out my desk?
Uh, I’m doing a great job here.
Your costs are down.
Your circulation is up.
There are more important things
than lower cost and higher circulation.
I’m not firing you because you’re doing a bad job.
I’m firing you because you’re a bigot
and there’s no room in "The Chronicle" for bigots.
Mr. Glover, I know you’re not wild about government programs
but you might want to look into Unemployment.
Goodbye, Mr. Glover.
Mr. Glover.
On your way out you can have Maria validate your parking.
That was a gutsy thing you two did.
Well, we know our way around guts, Mr. Wainwright.
I don’t know if you’ve ever made sausage from scratch‐‐
‐Balki, Balki. ‐You have to get right up‐‐
Balki, Balki, Mr. Wainwright is saying we’re brave.
And I still want you to be part
of the American Dream program, Balki.
Does that mean I have to stay in this job?
Not at all. I’m sending you back to the mail room for time being.
But, Appleton, I want you to take Bartokomous
under your wing and train him.
Show him what it’s like to be an investigative reporter.
My pleasure, sir.
Thank you, Mr. Wainwright.
Keep up the good work, boys.
Balki, did you hear that?
You are gonna get a chance to become a real reporter!
Cousin, now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!
♪ Dai dai dai dai ♪
♪ Da‐dai dai dai dai dai ♪
♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey hey ♪
[instrumental music]
[theme music]