1
00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:03,604
[theme music]

2
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:15,081
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

3
00:00:15,115 --> 00:00:17,450
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

4
00:00:17,483 --> 00:00:20,554
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

5
00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:25,125
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

6
00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:28,529
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

7
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:30,831
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪

8
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:34,234
♪ This flame in my heart
Like a long lost friend ♪

9
00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:38,238
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

10
00:00:39,339 --> 00:00:42,442
♪ Standing tall ♪

11
00:00:42,475 --> 00:00:46,346
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

12
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:49,182
♪ Rise and fall ♪

13
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:52,786
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

14
00:00:52,819 --> 00:00:54,621
♪ Through the rain
and thunder ♪

15
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,156
♪ The wind and haze ♪

16
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:59,560
♪ I’m bound
for better days ♪

17
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:02,863
♪ It’s my life
and my dream ♪

18
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:06,833
♪ And nothing’s
gonna stop me now ♪

19
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,578
[instrumental music]

20
00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:21,414
(Jennifer)
Hi, Larry, do you
have any notepads?

21
00:01:21,447 --> 00:01:22,683
Well, sure.

22
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,751
I might have something
I brought home from work.

23
00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:26,352
Well, uh, oh, here.

24
00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:28,321
I got these, uh,
spiral pads

25
00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:30,657
or, or, uh...
these, uh, white paper.

26
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,826
Oh, you know, uh,
what I might have...

27
00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:36,296
...uh, is, yeah,
these legal pads.

28
00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:38,732
Jennifer,
I’ve looked everywhere

29
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,300
and I can’t find the ruler.

30
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:41,568
‐Hi, Larry.
‐Hi, Mary Anne.

31
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,469
‐You need a ruler?
‐Yeah.

32
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,405
Well, uh...

33
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,145
What kind do you need?

34
00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:53,880
Uh, six‐inch, 12‐inch?

35
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,582
Standard, metric?

36
00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:59,820
Do you have anything in pink?

37
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:02,388
Pink.
Well, uh...

38
00:02:02,422 --> 00:02:05,358
Oh.

39
00:02:05,391 --> 00:02:06,226
If you need anything else,
let me know.

40
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:08,595
I can get anything
at the Chronicle.

41
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,802
[sobbing]

42
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:19,606
Hi, cousin.

43
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,610
Hi, Mary Anne.

44
00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:26,747
Hi, Jennifer.

45
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:31,351
Balki, is, is
everything alright?

46
00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:33,253
Oh, fine.

47
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,691
I’ve been named head

48
00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:40,861
of the Chronicle’s
grieving committee.

49
00:02:43,463 --> 00:02:46,432
And I thought
I should practice.

50
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:51,237
[sobbing continues]

51
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,645
Balki...

52
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:02,549
...the Chronicle doesn’t have
a grieving committee.

53
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:05,519
‐No?
‐No.

54
00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:07,921
You must be
on the grievance committee.

55
00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:15,629
Yes,
that’s the one.

56
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:18,665
Well, that doesn’t have
anything to do with grief.

57
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,967
Get out of the city.

58
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:25,906
You mean I cried me
a river for nothing?

59
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:28,274
Balki, a grievance committee
handles disputes

60
00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:30,343
between management
and employees.

61
00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:32,312
‐Oh, uh‐huh.
‐We have one at the airline.

62
00:03:32,345 --> 00:03:34,515
In fact, somebody filed
a grievance against Jennifer

63
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,249
because they felt she
was unfairly promoted

64
00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:38,952
to head of her own
flight crew.

65
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:41,254
How do you know that?

66
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:44,224
Well, I guess
we should be going.

67
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,861
It was you,
you filed the grievance.

68
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:50,597
Yes, I did. I should have
gotten that promotion.

69
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,999
I graduated ahead of you
from flight school.

70
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,467
You graduated ahead of me

71
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:56,970
because we lined up
according to height!

72
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:01,942
Cousin...

73
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:05,879
...exactly, what does the head
of the grievance committee do?

74
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,915
Well, you and the other
two people on the committee

75
00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:10,617
will hear complaints

76
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,786
and determine guilt
or innocence.

77
00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,821
and then you decide
on the proper punishment.

78
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,456
Oh.

79
00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:19,560
Maybe there are some further
guidelines in this envelope.

80
00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:23,697
It’s a list of complaints.

81
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:27,668
Cousin, the‐the first one
is Miss Lydia.

82
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,536
She’s‐she’s being cited

83
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,706
for "violations
of the parking rules."

84
00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:34,875
Ah, I bet somebody
finally nailed her

85
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,042
for taking up two spaces

86
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:39,045
with that big Beemer
of hers.

87
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,314
No, cousin, it wasn’t
her big Beemer.

88
00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:43,584
It was her car.

89
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:47,688
[instrumental music]

90
00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:57,764
‐Hi, Lydia.
‐Larry.

91
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,499
Lydia, what are you doing?

92
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:00,834
I’m sorting Balki’s mail.

93
00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:03,804
What does it look
like I’m doing?

94
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:06,472
You wouldn’t be doing this
because Balki is

95
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:08,609
head of the grievance committee,
would you?

96
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,110
No.

97
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:14,014
I enjoy handling mail
that other people have licked.

98
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,352
Miss Lydia...why...

99
00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:20,854
...why are you
sorting my mail?

100
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:23,524
Oh, Balki, I’ve noticed
you’ve been overworked lately.

101
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:24,991
And I wanna do
what I can

102
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:28,762
for someone that I care
about very much.

103
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,365
Who is that?

104
00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:34,901
You!

105
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:39,039
Oh, I am...deeply moved.

106
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,508
Good.

107
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,744
Oh, oh, I‐I almost forgot.

108
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:47,948
Uh, you were named to
a committee of some sort?

109
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:50,584
‐The grievance committee.
‐That’s the one!

110
00:05:50,617 --> 00:05:51,718
Well...

111
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:55,689
...here is a little something
to help you celebrate.

112
00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:03,129
Wow.

113
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,668
Bunny slippers!

114
00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:11,938
Oh, Miss Lydia,
you’re so good to me.

115
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,407
Well, maybe
you’ll find a way

116
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,810
to be good to me
someday.

117
00:06:16,843 --> 00:06:18,579
[laughing]

118
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:27,688
Cousin, it’s hard to believe
someone thoughtful enough

119
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,489
to give bunny slippers

120
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:32,492
would violate
parking rules.

121
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,429
Balki, there’s something
I have to explain to you.

122
00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:37,831
Lydia’s only being nice
to you

123
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:41,802
so you won’t rule against her
in her grievance case.

124
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:44,470
What do you mean?

125
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:47,440
Balki, she’s doing your work,
she’s giving you gifts

126
00:06:47,473 --> 00:06:48,842
she’s appearing before
the grievance committee.

127
00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,977
Do you see a pattern here?

128
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:53,780
Every sentence begins
with a pronoun.

129
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:02,589
Uh, delivery for
"Balk‐eye Bartookamouse."

130
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,192
I’m Balk‐eye.

131
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,029
Enjoy.

132
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,565
Cousin, I think you’re wrong
about Miss Lydia.

133
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:15,235
She‐she would never try
to influence my judgment.

134
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,972
"To Balki, from Lydia...

135
00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:22,175
"...because love...

136
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:26,046
"...means never having to say
you’re guilty."

137
00:07:30,717 --> 00:07:33,687
[instrumental music]

138
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,798
Miss Lydia, you
don’t understand.

139
00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:47,233
I understand perfectly.
I thought we were friends!

140
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:48,101
We are friends!

141
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,537
You sentenced me
to park in lot "X."

142
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:51,905
Lot "X" is a dirt lot.

143
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:54,808
It’s practically
in another time zone!

144
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:58,078
There is nothing there
but American cars!

145
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,682
What are you doing?

146
00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:03,717
(Balki)
What are you doing?

147
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,986
My bunnies,
my bunnies, my bunnies...

148
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,793
Miss Lydia, Miss Lydia,
I had to rule against you.

149
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,228
You were guilty, you were
taking two parking spaces.

150
00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,964
I drive a BMW.

151
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,133
The dealer suggested
three spaces.

152
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,839
What...

153
00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,808
Uh, if you hurry,
you can still catch

154
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,710
the 412 bus
to your car.

155
00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,144
[laughing sarcastically]

156
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,981
Cousin, I don’t understand.

157
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,950
On Mypos, when you point out
somebody’s faults

158
00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:38,852
they’re usually grateful
that you helped them

159
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:41,555
experience personal growth.

160
00:08:41,588 --> 00:08:44,090
Well, this is America...

161
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:47,961
...and people shy away
from personal growth.

162
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:53,066
But, don’t worry.
You did the right thing.

163
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:55,168
‐I wasn’t too hard on her?
‐No, no, no.

164
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,137
That’s just what
this grievance committee needs.

165
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,606
Somebody who’s honest,
somebody who has integrity

166
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,075
someone who can look a pair
of bunny slippers in the face

167
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:04,044
and say "guilty."

168
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,083
I didn’t know
I’d lose the slippers.

169
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:12,853
Okay, Bartokomous,
party’s over.

170
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:16,623
Now it’s time to put
your nose to the grindstone.

171
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,859
I already tried that.

172
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,128
It don’t make it shorter.

173
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:30,637
So, I think I’ll just
go back to work.

174
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,772
Fine.

175
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,043
Well...

176
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:40,280
...I guess Lydia learned
her lesson this time, huh?

177
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,148
Don’t do the crime
if you can’t do the...

178
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,951
Oh, my Lord!

179
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,653
Ooh, it’s from
the grievance committee.

180
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:47,788
What’s the charge?

181
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,190
I’ve been accused
of stealing $328

182
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:52,358
worth of office supplies.

183
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,361
[whistling]

184
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:03,169
[instrumental music]

185
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:15,348
Cousin, thank you for giving me
these bunny slippers.

186
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,819
How did you know
I wanted them?

187
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,623
Just a guess.

188
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:27,661
Uh, you know,
Balki, uh...

189
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,065
I may have given you
some, uh...

190
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:36,169
...some bad advice about
the grievance committee.

191
00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:38,371
I mean, I...
I told you to be strict

192
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:42,275
but now you’ve got everybody
down at the Chronicle

193
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:44,210
mad at you.

194
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,312
But, but, but I was only
trying to be fair.

195
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:47,914
Yeah.
Well, I know that.

196
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,215
I know that.

197
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,384
You know,
but I’m afraid...

198
00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:54,955
...I’m afraid
if you keep this up, that...

199
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,991
...you’re gonna
become harsh...

200
00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:00,060
...insensitive...

201
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:02,829
...cruel!

202
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,430
Maybe even heartless,
uncaring

203
00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:06,933
totally devoid
of all human emotion.

204
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,871
Cousin, I don’t want
to be like that.

205
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,806
‐What can I do?
‐Well, let us think.

206
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,775
I’ve got it!

207
00:11:17,143 --> 00:11:19,045
We’ve seen the strict Balki.

208
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:23,850
I think it’s time we saw
a kinder, gentler Balki.

209
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:27,387
I think you should declare
tomorrow Mercy Day.

210
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,455
‐"Mercy Day?"
‐Mercy Day.

211
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:32,258
To save yourself
from becoming harsh

212
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,460
insensitive, cruel!

213
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,997
Tomorrow would be the
perfect day to show mercy

214
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,766
on the accused,
whoever that might be.

215
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,403
Well, if that’s what
it’s going to take

216
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,406
then Mercy Day it is.

217
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:49,142
‐You want a soda?
‐I’d love one.

218
00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:50,777
Okay.

219
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,918
Cousin, I don’t
believe this!

220
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:01,287
You...you have to appear
before the committee tomorrow.

221
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:05,025
You don’t say.
Whatever for?

222
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,860
Well, it says
that you’re accused

223
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:09,362
of "stealing office supplies."

224
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,965
Well, are you sure
it’s me?

225
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:15,769
‐Yeah.
‐I’m shocked!

226
00:12:15,802 --> 00:12:18,104
Well, lucky for me,
tomorrow is Mercy Day.

227
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:29,249
Oh!

228
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:31,451
Po‐po!

229
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:37,190
How could I
have been so blonde?

230
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:47,568
You are trying to influence me
like Miss Lydia did.

231
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,202
‐Okay. Maybe I am.
‐Oh!

232
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:50,904
Wait a minute, Balki!
Balki! Balki! Balki!

233
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,939
Listen, I’m big enough
to admit

234
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,541
that what I was doing
was wrong!

235
00:12:54,575 --> 00:12:57,277
No, I’m sorry. Look, come on,
let’s just forget about it.

236
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,580
Forget about it.
I’m sorry.

237
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:01,181
Why don’t we
just sit down

238
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:04,484
and‐and talk about
something else?

239
00:13:04,518 --> 00:13:06,987
Sports...weather...

240
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:09,189
...friendship?

241
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:10,323
I know where this is going.

242
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,959
A friendship that began
four years ago when I took in...

243
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:16,096
(in unison)
’A Mypiot I hardly knew.’

244
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,331
Cousin, come on,
every time you want something

245
00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:20,500
you tell that
wandering Mypiot story.

246
00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:21,401
It’s not going to work.

247
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,103
I think you were right
the first time.

248
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,171
As a judge,
I have to be fair

249
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:28,909
impartial,
and completely oblivious.

250
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,845
Okay, fine.

251
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:33,446
But give me back
the bunny slippers!

252
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,318
[instrumental music]

253
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:44,124
Uh, Cousin Larry Appleton

254
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,527
your case is next.

255
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:50,263
You have been accused
of stealing office supplies.

256
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:54,535
How do you please?

257
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:58,371
Not guilty.

258
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:02,242
Balki...and honored members
of the committee

259
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:04,310
I intend to prove...

260
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:07,614
...that that charge
of stealing office supplies

261
00:14:07,648 --> 00:14:10,984
is totally without merit.

262
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:15,021
By the way, I hope you
enjoyed the fruit baskets.

263
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:21,027
Miss Wiggans, would you read
the grievance, please?

264
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,663
According to the supply
department

265
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:26,232
the basement was using more
notebooks, pads and pencils

266
00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:28,569
than all the reporters
in the city room.

267
00:14:28,602 --> 00:14:29,603
Oh, I see.

268
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:32,405
And because I am the only
reporter in the basement

269
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:34,908
you thought that I might be
the guilty one?

270
00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:37,377
No, cousin, we thought
you might be the guilty one

271
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:41,948
because your name is on
all the requisition slips.

272
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:44,518
Appleton,
I wanna get outta here.

273
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:47,521
I’m going to the Bulls game.
Why don’t you just plead guilty?

274
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,557
Because I’m not guilty,
and I can prove it.

275
00:14:50,591 --> 00:14:53,894
I would like to call
my first witness to the stand.

276
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,197
Balki Bartokomous.

277
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:03,336
Well, feed me garlic
and call me stinky.

278
00:15:12,613 --> 00:15:14,347
Balki, would you say

279
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:18,151
that you are...an honest man?

280
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:21,121
Well, I’m no honest
Abe Vigoda, but I try.

281
00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:26,359
In fact, you are
a very honest man.

282
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:30,230
Last week, when we took Jennifer
and Mary Anne to dinner...

283
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,331
...wasn’t it you
who pointed out

284
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:34,067
that the restaurant charged us
for only two dinners

285
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,201
instead of four?

286
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:36,637
No, cousin, that was you.

287
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:40,607
If I remember correctly,
your exact words were

288
00:15:40,641 --> 00:15:43,577
"They only charged us
for two dinners

289
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,412
"let’s get out of here."

290
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:51,484
[stuttering]

291
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,186
But‐but, Balki...

292
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:55,488
...isn’t it true that you
made us go back and pay

293
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,458
for all the dinners
because you are so honest?

294
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,528
Well, cousin, right is right.
We did eat them.

295
00:16:01,562 --> 00:16:04,765
So, in a word,
Balki Bartokomous

296
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:07,534
you are an exceptionally
honest man.

297
00:16:07,568 --> 00:16:09,503
A man incapable

298
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:12,405
of committing a crime.

299
00:16:12,438 --> 00:16:14,608
I submit to you...

300
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:17,644
...that we have here
is the most honest man

301
00:16:17,678 --> 00:16:18,779
at the Chronicle.

302
00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,147
Absolutely.
No argument from me.

303
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:24,785
I’m not one to blow
my own nose, but...

304
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,386
...I don’t know
if I’m the most honest.

305
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:29,723
I‐I’ve been told
I’m one of the best dancers.

306
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:33,226
‐Balki?
‐Yes.

307
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:36,630
I now show you
this photograph.

308
00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:40,734
Do you recognize it?

309
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:42,603
That’s me...

310
00:16:42,636 --> 00:16:45,672
...reading, uh,
reading a letter from mama.

311
00:16:45,706 --> 00:16:48,474
Do you notice anything unusual
about the photograph?

312
00:16:48,509 --> 00:16:51,411
‐Yes. It’s borderless.
‐Ah‐ha.

313
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,283
But what is this object...

314
00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:00,754
...behind your ear?

315
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:03,557
I guess that
that would be a pencil.

316
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:07,127
It could be one of them pens
that looks like a pencil.

317
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,829
‐Oh, so you’re not sure?
‐No.

318
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:11,765
Well, maybe this
will help you.

319
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,466
Thanks to
the Chronicle’s photo lab

320
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:16,269
I’ve had a portion
of this picture blown up!

321
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:19,105
Oh, God.

322
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:22,676
Now, I ask you again,
what is this object...

323
00:17:24,778 --> 00:17:26,446
...behind your ear?

324
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:27,548
It’s a pencil, alright.

325
00:17:27,581 --> 00:17:30,517
A‐ha!
But whose pencil?

326
00:17:30,551 --> 00:17:33,620
I guess it would be
my pencil.

327
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,389
Oh, it would, would it?

328
00:17:36,422 --> 00:17:39,726
Well, maybe this will
change your mind!

329
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:54,875
It‐it still looks
like my pencil.

330
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:58,612
Then why does it have
the words "Chicago Chronicle"

331
00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:00,681
written on it?

332
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,284
‐Well, I don’t know.
‐Oh, you don’t know?

333
00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:07,821
‐No, I don’t know.
‐Or you don’t want to know?

334
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:08,722
No, I want to know.

335
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,423
Well, perhaps I can
help you remember.

336
00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:11,558
I’d appreciate it.

337
00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:13,560
It was a cool,
autumn evening

338
00:18:13,594 --> 00:18:16,663
like many we experienced here
in the windy city.

339
00:18:16,697 --> 00:18:17,598
It was quitting time.

340
00:18:17,631 --> 00:18:19,866
You were probably
putting on your jacket

341
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:21,367
getting ready to go home.

342
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:24,437
Then, suddenly, you looked,
and there it was...

343
00:18:25,706 --> 00:18:26,907
...a pencil

344
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,476
belonging to
the Chicago Chronicle.

345
00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:33,279
You put it behind your ear.

346
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,347
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes.

347
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:35,415
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes!

348
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,482
And then you drove home.

349
00:18:36,517 --> 00:18:37,651
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes.

350
00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:38,585
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes!

351
00:18:38,619 --> 00:18:40,521
You probably never
gave a second thought

352
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:43,189
because, after all, it was
just a pencil, wasn’t it?

353
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,457
‐Yes.
‐Wasn’t it?

354
00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:46,627
Cousin, don’t!

355
00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:48,929
You kept it behind your ear
the entire evening.

356
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,731
And then later,
when you found it

357
00:18:50,764 --> 00:18:52,298
you didn’t think about
who it belonged to

358
00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:53,900
or who it’s rightful owner was.

359
00:18:53,934 --> 00:18:56,236
After all, it was
just another pencil

360
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:57,771
in the passing parade!

361
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:01,207
Cousin, don’t.

362
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,676
It wasn’t too late.

363
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,344
You could have
returned it

364
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:05,546
but you didn’t,
did you?

365
00:19:05,579 --> 00:19:06,647
‐No!
‐No!

366
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:07,914
‐No!
‐No!

367
00:19:07,948 --> 00:19:10,817
You put it
in your pencil cup

368
00:19:10,851 --> 00:19:13,520
which is where
I found it!

369
00:19:17,223 --> 00:19:19,425
I didn’t mean to do it.

370
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,197
I’m sorry!

371
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,671
Thank you.

372
00:19:31,772 --> 00:19:33,907
It’s alright.
It’s over now.

373
00:19:36,810 --> 00:19:39,345
Lady and gentlemen
of the committee...

374
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,314
[sobbing loudly]

375
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:48,789
We have previously
established

376
00:19:48,822 --> 00:19:51,491
that Balki Bartokomous
is a man incapable

377
00:19:51,525 --> 00:19:53,226
of committing a crime.

378
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:54,394
[gasping]

379
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,697
[sobbing]

380
00:19:56,730 --> 00:19:57,931
We have
also established

381
00:19:57,964 --> 00:20:00,433
that this same
Balki Bartokomous

382
00:20:00,466 --> 00:20:02,936
takes home
office supplies.

383
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,571
[whining]

384
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:10,677
Therefore, taking home
office supplies is not a crime

385
00:20:10,711 --> 00:20:12,913
and I am not guilty!

386
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,282
I rest my case.

387
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,652
Good.
I can just make tip‐off.

388
00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,386
Appleton’s right.
We all do it.

389
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:22,355
‐I vote not guilty.
‐Guilty.

390
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:24,825
Can I change my vote?

391
00:20:24,858 --> 00:20:27,427
Balki, it looks like
it’s up to you.

392
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,562
Just give me a minute.

393
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:32,232
Hey, take all the time
you need, buddy.

394
00:20:35,736 --> 00:20:36,903
I’m ready.

395
00:20:36,937 --> 00:20:38,505
Guilty.

396
00:20:40,306 --> 00:20:43,243
[instrumental music]

397
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:58,592
Are you still
mad at me?

398
00:20:58,959 --> 00:21:01,595
No, no.

399
00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:04,765
‐You did the right thing.
‐Thank you.

400
00:21:04,798 --> 00:21:08,334
I never realized how much
I was taking home.

401
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:10,336
This stuff really adds up.

402
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:11,705
Yeah.

403
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:14,575
I know what you mean.

404
00:21:14,608 --> 00:21:17,911
I found these four paper clips
in my coat pocket.

405
00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,349
I thought I could trust me.

406
00:21:25,051 --> 00:21:27,788
Well, I figure
after I return this

407
00:21:27,821 --> 00:21:29,890
I’ll only owe
about $85.

408
00:21:29,923 --> 00:21:30,957
Well, I thought
it was fair

409
00:21:30,991 --> 00:21:33,560
you just pay
for what you used.

410
00:21:33,594 --> 00:21:35,328
Balki...

411
00:21:35,361 --> 00:21:39,032
...I’m sorry for...putting
you on the stand...

412
00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:40,767
...humiliating you...

413
00:21:40,801 --> 00:21:43,069
...making you feel
like a criminal...

414
00:21:43,103 --> 00:21:45,405
...stripping you
of all human dignity.

415
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:50,476
You only did what any
good lawyer would do.

416
00:21:54,948 --> 00:21:57,951
Well, I‐I feel bad
about it, so, uh...

417
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,322
...I got you these.

418
00:22:10,831 --> 00:22:12,966
Cousin, don’t...don’t
give them to me

419
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:15,836
if you’re going to
take them away.

420
00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:22,609
M‐m‐my heart can
only be broken

421
00:22:22,643 --> 00:22:24,845
so many times.

422
00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:30,751
‐They’re yours.
‐Whee!

423
00:22:33,687 --> 00:22:35,622
[instrumental music]

424
00:22:41,427 --> 00:22:43,830
[theme music]

425
00:23:03,984 --> 00:23:05,919
[music continues]