[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
(Jennifer) Hi, Larry, do you have any notepads?
Well, sure.
I might have something I brought home from work.
Well, uh, oh, here.
I got these, uh, spiral pads
or, or, uh... these, uh, white paper.
Oh, you know, uh, what I might have...
...uh, is, yeah, these legal pads.
Jennifer, I’ve looked everywhere
and I can’t find the ruler.
‐Hi, Larry. ‐Hi, Mary Anne.
‐You need a ruler? ‐Yeah.
Well, uh...
What kind do you need?
Uh, six‐inch, 12‐inch?
Standard, metric?
Do you have anything in pink?
Pink. Well, uh...
Oh.
If you need anything else, let me know.
I can get anything at the Chronicle.
[sobbing]
Hi, cousin.
Hi, Mary Anne.
Hi, Jennifer.
Balki, is, is everything alright?
Oh, fine.
I’ve been named head
of the Chronicle’s grieving committee.
And I thought I should practice.
[sobbing continues]
Balki...
...the Chronicle doesn’t have a grieving committee.
‐No? ‐No.
You must be on the grievance committee.
Yes, that’s the one.
Well, that doesn’t have anything to do with grief.
Get out of the city.
You mean I cried me a river for nothing?
Balki, a grievance committee handles disputes
between management and employees.
‐Oh, uh‐huh. ‐We have one at the airline.
In fact, somebody filed a grievance against Jennifer
because they felt she was unfairly promoted
to head of her own flight crew.
How do you know that?
Well, I guess we should be going.
It was you, you filed the grievance.
Yes, I did. I should have gotten that promotion.
I graduated ahead of you from flight school.
You graduated ahead of me
because we lined up according to height!
Cousin...
...exactly, what does the head of the grievance committee do?
Well, you and the other two people on the committee
will hear complaints
and determine guilt or innocence.
and then you decide on the proper punishment.
Oh.
Maybe there are some further guidelines in this envelope.
It’s a list of complaints.
Cousin, the‐the first one is Miss Lydia.
She’s‐she’s being cited
for "violations of the parking rules."
Ah, I bet somebody finally nailed her
for taking up two spaces
with that big Beemer of hers.
No, cousin, it wasn’t her big Beemer.
It was her car.
[instrumental music]
‐Hi, Lydia. ‐Larry.
Lydia, what are you doing?
I’m sorting Balki’s mail.
What does it look like I’m doing?
You wouldn’t be doing this because Balki is
head of the grievance committee, would you?
No.
I enjoy handling mail that other people have licked.
Miss Lydia...why...
...why are you sorting my mail?
Oh, Balki, I’ve noticed you’ve been overworked lately.
And I wanna do what I can
for someone that I care about very much.
Who is that?
You!
Oh, I am...deeply moved.
Good.
Oh, oh, I‐I almost forgot.
Uh, you were named to a committee of some sort?
‐The grievance committee. ‐That’s the one!
Well...
...here is a little something to help you celebrate.
Wow.
Bunny slippers!
Oh, Miss Lydia, you’re so good to me.
Well, maybe you’ll find a way
to be good to me someday.
[laughing]
Cousin, it’s hard to believe someone thoughtful enough
to give bunny slippers
would violate parking rules.
Balki, there’s something I have to explain to you.
Lydia’s only being nice to you
so you won’t rule against her in her grievance case.
What do you mean?
Balki, she’s doing your work, she’s giving you gifts
she’s appearing before the grievance committee.
Do you see a pattern here?
Every sentence begins with a pronoun.
Uh, delivery for "Balk‐eye Bartookamouse."
I’m Balk‐eye.
Enjoy.
Cousin, I think you’re wrong about Miss Lydia.
She‐she would never try to influence my judgment.
"To Balki, from Lydia...
"...because love...
"...means never having to say you’re guilty."
[instrumental music]
Miss Lydia, you don’t understand.
I understand perfectly. I thought we were friends!
We are friends!
You sentenced me to park in lot "X."
Lot "X" is a dirt lot.
It’s practically in another time zone!
There is nothing there but American cars!
What are you doing?
(Balki) What are you doing?
My bunnies, my bunnies, my bunnies...
Miss Lydia, Miss Lydia, I had to rule against you.
You were guilty, you were taking two parking spaces.
I drive a BMW.
The dealer suggested three spaces.
What...
Uh, if you hurry, you can still catch
the 412 bus to your car.
[laughing sarcastically]
Cousin, I don’t understand.
On Mypos, when you point out somebody’s faults
they’re usually grateful that you helped them
experience personal growth.
Well, this is America...
...and people shy away from personal growth.
But, don’t worry. You did the right thing.
‐I wasn’t too hard on her? ‐No, no, no.
That’s just what this grievance committee needs.
Somebody who’s honest, somebody who has integrity
someone who can look a pair of bunny slippers in the face
and say "guilty."
I didn’t know I’d lose the slippers.
Okay, Bartokomous, party’s over.
Now it’s time to put your nose to the grindstone.
I already tried that.
It don’t make it shorter.
So, I think I’ll just go back to work.
Fine.
Well...
...I guess Lydia learned her lesson this time, huh?
Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the...
Oh, my Lord!
Ooh, it’s from the grievance committee.
What’s the charge?
I’ve been accused of stealing $328
worth of office supplies.
[whistling]
[instrumental music]
Cousin, thank you for giving me these bunny slippers.
How did you know I wanted them?
Just a guess.
Uh, you know, Balki, uh...
I may have given you some, uh...
...some bad advice about the grievance committee.
I mean, I... I told you to be strict
but now you’ve got everybody down at the Chronicle
mad at you.
But, but, but I was only trying to be fair.
Yeah. Well, I know that.
I know that.
You know, but I’m afraid...
...I’m afraid if you keep this up, that...
...you’re gonna become harsh...
...insensitive...
...cruel!
Maybe even heartless, uncaring
totally devoid of all human emotion.
Cousin, I don’t want to be like that.
‐What can I do? ‐Well, let us think.
I’ve got it!
We’ve seen the strict Balki.
I think it’s time we saw a kinder, gentler Balki.
I think you should declare tomorrow Mercy Day.
‐"Mercy Day?" ‐Mercy Day.
To save yourself from becoming harsh
insensitive, cruel!
Tomorrow would be the perfect day to show mercy
on the accused, whoever that might be.
Well, if that’s what it’s going to take
then Mercy Day it is.
‐You want a soda? ‐I’d love one.
Okay.
Cousin, I don’t believe this!
You...you have to appear before the committee tomorrow.
You don’t say. Whatever for?
Well, it says that you’re accused
of "stealing office supplies."
Well, are you sure it’s me?
‐Yeah. ‐I’m shocked!
Well, lucky for me, tomorrow is Mercy Day.
Oh!
Po‐po!
How could I have been so blonde?
You are trying to influence me like Miss Lydia did.
‐Okay. Maybe I am. ‐Oh!
Wait a minute, Balki! Balki! Balki! Balki!
Listen, I’m big enough to admit
that what I was doing was wrong!
No, I’m sorry. Look, come on, let’s just forget about it.
Forget about it. I’m sorry.
Why don’t we just sit down
and‐and talk about something else?
Sports...weather...
...friendship?
I know where this is going.
A friendship that began four years ago when I took in...
(in unison) ’A Mypiot I hardly knew.’
Cousin, come on, every time you want something
you tell that wandering Mypiot story.
It’s not going to work.
I think you were right the first time.
As a judge, I have to be fair
impartial, and completely oblivious.
Okay, fine.
But give me back the bunny slippers!
[instrumental music]
Uh, Cousin Larry Appleton
your case is next.
You have been accused of stealing office supplies.
How do you please?
Not guilty.
Balki...and honored members of the committee
I intend to prove...
...that that charge of stealing office supplies
is totally without merit.
By the way, I hope you enjoyed the fruit baskets.
Miss Wiggans, would you read the grievance, please?
According to the supply department
the basement was using more notebooks, pads and pencils
than all the reporters in the city room.
Oh, I see.
And because I am the only reporter in the basement
you thought that I might be the guilty one?
No, cousin, we thought you might be the guilty one
because your name is on all the requisition slips.
Appleton, I wanna get outta here.
I’m going to the Bulls game. Why don’t you just plead guilty?
Because I’m not guilty, and I can prove it.
I would like to call my first witness to the stand.
Balki Bartokomous.
Well, feed me garlic and call me stinky.
Balki, would you say
that you are...an honest man?
Well, I’m no honest Abe Vigoda, but I try.
In fact, you are a very honest man.
Last week, when we took Jennifer and Mary Anne to dinner...
...wasn’t it you who pointed out
that the restaurant charged us for only two dinners
instead of four?
No, cousin, that was you.
If I remember correctly, your exact words were
"They only charged us for two dinners
"let’s get out of here."
[stuttering]
But‐but, Balki...
...isn’t it true that you made us go back and pay
for all the dinners because you are so honest?
Well, cousin, right is right. We did eat them.
So, in a word, Balki Bartokomous
you are an exceptionally honest man.
A man incapable
of committing a crime.
I submit to you...
...that we have here is the most honest man
at the Chronicle.
Absolutely. No argument from me.
I’m not one to blow my own nose, but...
...I don’t know if I’m the most honest.
I‐I’ve been told I’m one of the best dancers.
‐Balki? ‐Yes.
I now show you this photograph.
Do you recognize it?
That’s me...
...reading, uh, reading a letter from mama.
Do you notice anything unusual about the photograph?
‐Yes. It’s borderless. ‐Ah‐ha.
But what is this object...
...behind your ear?
I guess that that would be a pencil.
It could be one of them pens that looks like a pencil.
‐Oh, so you’re not sure? ‐No.
Well, maybe this will help you.
Thanks to the Chronicle’s photo lab
I’ve had a portion of this picture blown up!
Oh, God.
Now, I ask you again, what is this object...
...behind your ear?
It’s a pencil, alright.
A‐ha! But whose pencil?
I guess it would be my pencil.
Oh, it would, would it?
Well, maybe this will change your mind!
It‐it still looks like my pencil.
Then why does it have the words "Chicago Chronicle"
written on it?
‐Well, I don’t know. ‐Oh, you don’t know?
‐No, I don’t know. ‐Or you don’t want to know?
No, I want to know.
Well, perhaps I can help you remember.
I’d appreciate it.
It was a cool, autumn evening
like many we experienced here in the windy city.
It was quitting time.
You were probably putting on your jacket
getting ready to go home.
Then, suddenly, you looked, and there it was...
...a pencil
belonging to the Chicago Chronicle.
You put it behind your ear.
‐Didn’t you? ‐Yes.
‐Didn’t you? ‐Yes!
And then you drove home.
‐Didn’t you? ‐Yes.
‐Didn’t you? ‐Yes!
You probably never gave a second thought
because, after all, it was just a pencil, wasn’t it?
‐Yes. ‐Wasn’t it?
Cousin, don’t!
You kept it behind your ear the entire evening.
And then later, when you found it
you didn’t think about who it belonged to
or who it’s rightful owner was.
After all, it was just another pencil
in the passing parade!
Cousin, don’t.
It wasn’t too late.
You could have returned it
but you didn’t, did you?
‐No! ‐No!
You put it in your pencil cup
which is where I found it!
I didn’t mean to do it.
I’m sorry!
Thank you.
It’s alright. It’s over now.
Lady and gentlemen of the committee...
[sobbing loudly]
We have previously established
that Balki Bartokomous is a man incapable
of committing a crime.
[gasping]
[sobbing]
We have also established
that this same Balki Bartokomous
takes home office supplies.
[whining]
Therefore, taking home office supplies is not a crime
and I am not guilty!
I rest my case.
Good. I can just make tip‐off.
Appleton’s right. We all do it.
‐I vote not guilty. ‐Guilty.
Can I change my vote?
Balki, it looks like it’s up to you.
Just give me a minute.
Hey, take all the time you need, buddy.
I’m ready.
Guilty.
[instrumental music]
Are you still mad at me?
No, no.
‐You did the right thing. ‐Thank you.
I never realized how much I was taking home.
This stuff really adds up.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
I found these four paper clips in my coat pocket.
I thought I could trust me.
Well, I figure after I return this
I’ll only owe about $85.
Well, I thought it was fair
you just pay for what you used.
Balki...
...I’m sorry for...putting you on the stand...
...humiliating you...
...making you feel like a criminal...
...stripping you of all human dignity.
You only did what any good lawyer would do.
Well, I‐I feel bad about it, so, uh...
...I got you these.
Cousin, don’t...don’t give them to me
if you’re going to take them away.
M‐m‐my heart can only be broken
so many times.
‐They’re yours. ‐Whee!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[music continues]