* Sometimes the world looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just get a feeling
* Like you need some kinda change
* Nothing's gonna stand in my way
* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* And nothing's going to stop me now *
(GROANS)
I feel awful.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Balki, I don't get it.
Everyone in Chicago has a cold except you.
Why is that?
Well, cousin, because I drink lots of liquids
and I get plenty of rest
and I eat a regular diet of vital animal organs.
Now I told you last July, I says, "Cousin, in six months
"cold season will be here,
I was a fool not to listen to you.
I guess I'll just have to make do with this cold medicine.
No, cousin, you don't need that cold medicine.
I told mama about your cold and she's sending something
that will cure you. It should be here by 10:30.
She sent it by overnight blue-footed booby bird.
Thank you. You're... You're welcome.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Balki, there is no cure for the common cold.
Balki?
(GASPS)
for the common cold for years.
They discovered cave drawings
with pictures of prehistoric men holding Kleenex.
Yeah, I have a package for Lar-why Ape-lee-toon.
I'm Lar-why Ape-lee-toon.
Oh, cousin, cousin!
This is the cure I was telling you about.
(GASPS)
Welcome to our home.
My name is Balki and, and this is my cousin, Larry.
And Cousin Larry has a cold.
Now, cousin, this cure is-- Balki, Balki...
Balki. No, but let me just say this--
I don't want to hear about your plant
or the bird it flew in on.
Well, you ungrateful little postnasal drip.
My mama climbed clear up the north face of Mount Mypos
to get this plant for you.
And if you think that's easy for an 82-year-old woman
who just underwent a total knee replacement,
you've got another drink coming.
Luckily for you, this is the one time
this century this plant blooms.
And your cold will go away the minute you eat
this Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod.
Balki, this Popopoloupolo Bippity-Boppity-Boo pod
will not cure my--
Excuse me, excuse me.
Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod.
Popopoloupolo Bippity-Boppity-Boo pod.
Excuse me...
Popopoloupolo. No... Popopoloupolo pod.
Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod. Bippity-Boppity-Boo pod.
Popopoloupolo Bippity-Boppity-Boo.
I just realized what your problem is.
You're Bippity-Boppity-Booing instead of Poppiti-Pooping.
You hear that? This is how it is.
Just not Boppity-Boppity, Poppitipoo pod.
Boppity-Boo... Poppitipoo...
Poppitipoo pod. Poppitipoo... Bippity... Bippity...
Forget Bippity. Bippity Populous.
Plosives. Plosives. Bippity-boppity...
Eat the pod! Eat the pod! Eat the pod!
Okay, give me the stupid po...
Aa-ah...
Oh!
I can breathe through my nose again!
And my sore throat i-is gone. And my eyes don't itch.
And your breath is minty fresh.
You're right!
Well, my cold is gone! I feel great!
Well, of course you do! Don't be ridiculous.
You ate the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod.
Balki, the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod
has nothing to do with how I feel.
I took some cold medicine earlier.
Well, cousin, there are none so blind as those who will not ski.
The Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod cured you.
No, it didn't.
Yes, it did.
No, it didn't.
BALKI: Yes, it did. LARRY: No, it didn't.
Yes, it did.
No, it didn't.
Yes, it did. Yes, it did. No, it didn't.
Yes, it did. No, it didn't.
Yes, it did. Yes...
There's nothing more stimulating
than watching stupid people argue.
What were you arguing about this time?
If sheep should be given the vote?
No, Mr. Gorpley, I gave Cousin Larry
a Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod from
the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo plant and it cured his cold.
No, it didn't. No, it didn't. Yes, it did. Yes, it did.
And... And he won't admit it.
Although they all voted the same way.
(SNEEZING)
I hate the cold season.
Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pods? It'll cure your cold.
Oh, I don't think so, Balki.
The last time I ate something from a wild plant I was awake
for three days and everything I looked at had a face on it.
Lydia, do me a favor, eat the pod and prove to Balki
that it doesn't cure the common cold.
I'm desperate, I'll try anything.
My cold is gone!
Well, this is incredible.
If you find a cure for water retention, call me!
Give me one of those.
Oh...
It works.
I feel great.
I have never felt better in my life.
I think I'll go fire someone.
Balki?
Do you realize that this plant is the cure for the common cold?
Well, rub my chest and call me Vicks.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
And this will make the plant grow bigger?
Uh, yes it will. Now, I need a Tootsie Pop.
That was for me, cousin.
Inki...
Binki...
Dwap.
Wa... Uh... That... That's it? Just... Just three drops?
It'll grow bigger with just three drops?
Yes, it will. Now, cousin, don't be rude.
This plant has a name, and her name is Marge.
With proper nurturing,
which includes talking to Marge
and sometimes just listening to what she has to say,
in another six months this little Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo
plant could grow another one or two inches.
Couldn't you, Marge? Couldn't you?
Wait, one or two inches?
Balki, we have here the cure for the common cold.
We should make it grow a lot bigger.
No, no, no, cousin, Marge has to grow at her natural rate.
Bad things happen when you alter the delicate balance of nature.
Nothing bad will happen.
We alter the delicate balance of nature all the time.
Do you think Cheez-Whiz is a natural phenomenon?
Cousin, I'm not gonna give Marge any more food and that's vinyl.
Okay, okay.
I'm sure you're right about this.
It's late. We have to get up early. Good night.
Cousin.
What are you talking about? It's only 8:00!
Yeah, well, Balki, time is relative.
Cousin, I'm not tired.
You're not tired? No, I'm... I'm...
(YAWNING) I'm not at all tired.
I've got laundry, I've got homework.
I've got Legos all over the bedroom floor.
(YAWNING)
Good night. Good night.
(YAWNING) But I am. Good night.
Good night, Balki. Nighty-night.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Oh, my Lord!
I've got the cure for the common cold!
I can cure millions and millions of dollars... People!
Cousin! Cousin! Come out here!
What? Look!
I didn't do anything to it!
Well, you must have done something! Look at it!
I didn't do anything to it. All I-I just give it three little...
You did this!
Balki, the bigger the plant, the more people
we can cure of the common cold!
Is it wrong to want people to feel good?
No, I want people to feel good too, but, cousin, this is bad.
Nobody on Mypos ever made a Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo plant
any bigger and they must have had a good reason.
Wouldn't be the first time people on Mypos
Oh, really?
They didn't have a good reason for putting
I have to put a stop to this. A stop to this?
You... You're gonna put a stop to this.
Ba-Balki, what are you doing?
I'm gonna cut the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo plant
back to its original size.
I'll... I'll just figure out some way
to explain it to the children.
The children? The little children.
Little Billy, who... Who'll catch a cold
because you cut back the plant.
Little Billy, who'll have to stay home from school
and, and miss picture day and have nothing
to remind him of the third grade.
Remember the third grade?
(LAUGHING) Oh.
I loved the third grade.
I played the part of Adam Cartwright
in our school play.
Cousin, little Billy wouldn't miss that, would he?
Oh, yes, he would.
And, and soon little Billy and little Kimberly
and all the little children will, will get colds. They'll...
They'll have sore throats and fevers and runny noses.
(SOBBING) Oh, cousin, I don't want them to have runny noses.
No, I know you don't. I know you don't but they will.
And pretty soon they... They...
They won't even call it a cold anymore.
And instead of saying, "Mommy, I feel awful.
"I have a terrible cold."
They'll say, "Mommy, I feel awful.
"I have a terrible...
"Balki."
(SOBBING) Oh, cousin.
I don't want that to happen.
I know you don't, I know you don't.
So just, just, give me the scissors.
Why don't you just give me the scissors?
Come on, let it go.
Put 'em down on the counter. Slide 'em over here, come on.
Come on, you can... Good, good! It's all right.
It's all right. It's all right.
It's all over. Oh, God!
How could I have been so selfish?
Oh, (STAMMERS) I don't know, Balki.
It's... It's not like you.
(SOBBING)
Come on, come on, come on.
No, no, no, come on, come on, come on.
I think you should just, just go to your room
(STAMMERS) and do some
some serious soul-searching.
You're welcome.
Come on, come on! No, I, I just...
Come on, it's all right, it's all over.
It's all over.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, hi, come on in!
(BOTH SNEEZING)
I thought... I thought you two had a flight to London this morning.
Oh, we do but...
Something's different in here. Don't tell me.
You re-upholstered the couch.
Larry, what is all this?
It's an amazing plant from Mypos.
Well, you can tell us about it when we get back from London.
We just need to borrow some cold pills.
We're all out.
I've got something that'll be even better.
(STAMMERS) It cured my cold and Gorpley's and Lydia's.
Here, here. Trust me.
Larry, this is fantastic. It works great.
You could market this as a cold remedy.
Well, I haven't thought of that.
Well, we better be going, we're gonna miss our flight.
I feel much better, Larry, thank you.
Their apartment looks great.
Mary Anne, the couch is the same as it's always been.
Well, that's stupid.
Why did they re-upholster it in the same material?
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
(SIGHING) Still busy.
since she started watching the Home Shopping Network.
How many pair of fuzzy slippers does her pig need?
But don't worry, cousin, it's important we find out
what the side effect of making the plant big is.
So I'll keep trying.
Fine, you try to get ahold of mama.
I've got an appointment with the vice president
of Danforth Pharmaceuticals.
Cousin, you don't know anything about farming.
It's a drug company.
No, Balki, I'm not buying drugs. I'm selling them.
Oh, cousin, it's worse than I thought!
Balki, Balki, Balki. Try to follow what I'm saying.
Danforth Pharmaceuticals is a company that makes medicine
and they are very excited about the plant.
I've got an appointment with them in half an hour.
And when they see what these pods can do
they are going to give us money.
They are going to give us 6% of gross profits
or $50 million annually, whichever is greater.
And best of all, I am going to be so rich,
I'll be able to hire a man full time
just to explain things to you.
Cousin, cousin...
Please don't do this.
Balki, the FDA will test it before they sell it.
Everything will be fine.
Cousin, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
But this is my plant and I'm not going to let you sell it.
It is your plant?
That's right, it is my plant.
It came from my home and it was sent here by my mama.
That's true, that's true!
But who did your mama send the plant to?
Who was the package addressed to?
Who's name was on the package, hmm?
Larry Appleton.
That's right. That's right.
The plant belongs to Larry Appleton.
And you opened a package that was addressed to me
which is a direct violation
Oh, shut up!
Fine, I am off to Danforth Pharmaceuticals
to get our fortune.
Larry, if you don't have a cure for this you're a dead man!
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
MRS. BARTOKOMOUS: Balki!
(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)
Oh, Mama says that a few days after eating
the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pod from the oversized plant
the facial hair disappears and the cold comes back again.
(ALL SNEEZING)
But I ate a pod from the small plant.
Why do I have a cold again?
Well, maybe you're not getting enough vitamin C.
I've heard a good source of vitamin C is vitamin C pills.
MRS. BARTOKOMOUS: Balki!
(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)
Oh. Mama says that back in 1307
they had a really cold winter
and they grew the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pods
really big.
MRS. BARTOKOMOUS: Balki!
(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)
Mama says that they chewed the Popopoloupolo-Poppitipoo pods
until spring and to this day Mypiot women
still have mustaches.
To be frank, I thought the mustache made you look
rather sexy.
MRS. BARTOKOMOUS: Balki!
(SPEAKING IN MYPOSIAN)
Okay, okay, okay.
Uh, bye-bye, babe.
I was so close to being so rich.
Cousin, in another 100 years the plant will bloom again
and you'll be rich and probably dead.
Larry, I love you even though you aren't rich.
Of course, if you were rich it would be better.
(BOTH SNEEZING)
Cousin, you've got to learn that money isn't everything.
In fact, if you have your health, you've got everything.
(SNEEZING)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)