(THEME MUSIC)
* Sometimes the world looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just get a feeling
* Like you need some kind of change
* Nothing's gonna stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder the wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* And nothing's gonna stop me now
BALKI: Look at this, Ms. Lydia.
I'm running for Student Body President
at the Chicago City College.
Ah! Balki, that's terrific.
Yeah. How's it going?
Oh, just as sleazy as pie.
Just like campaigning on Mypos.
All you have to do is make sure
that everyone knows how you feel
about the important issues.
that I'm pro-sheep and anti-wolf.
Coming out against wolves
is a good start, Balki.
But, uh, maybe you should ask Larry to help you.
Yeah.
that I'm, that I'm running.
Oh, well, if you tell him, I'm sure he'd help you
with your campaign, why don't you ask him?
(CHUCKLES) Well, because if I, uh
if I ask Cousin Larry to help me
with my campaign, um, I'm sort of afraid
Cousin Larry will help me
with my campaign.
Uh, I don't know if you've noticed
but Cousin Larry
he's trying to be helpful
but-but he tends to go overboard.
He's kind of a type-A personality.
So, I-I-I beg of you
please, promise me, you won't tell Cousin Larry?
A team of wild horses couldn't drag it out of me.
Thank you, Ms. Lydia.
Of course, the sweaty cowboy pulling the reins
might have a shot.
Hi, Balki.
Oh, I see you're running
for Student Body President.
Oh, good luck with your campaign--
no matter what you do, there is absolutely
no way that I'm...
What did you just say?
I said, "Good luck with your campaign."
Well, bang my bongos and call me Daisy.
You mean to say that, that you're not gonna force yourself
into my campaign and, and then go overboard
and make yourself a royal pain in the boingi?
Oh!
Oh, I see.
I see, you think because I lost
every campaign I managed in school
that I would see your campaign as my last chance
to be a winner.
You lost every single campaign?
Uh, it used to bother me, but I'm over it.
Those 120 hours of self-help tapes cured me.
to win just once.
So...good luck.
I hope you win.
Wait one finger-lickin' moment.
Are you telling me that we can discuss this
and your eyes won't bulge out of your head
and that vein in your forehead won't start throbbing?
Oh, sure. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that syndrome is covered in tapes
one through 43,
"Coping and being at peace with your body."
"My body is like a hollow reed.
Troubles blow through me like the wind."
(INHALES)
(WHISTLES)
Okay. Uh, well, cousin, I...
I'm glad you've weathered that storm
because I'd love to tell you about my campaign.
Well, I'd love to hear about it.
Well, um, if I'm elected
my goal is to reinstate the language requirement.
That means every student have to
take a foreign language to graduate.
I feel that we'll all understand each other better
if we can speak in another man's tongue,
walk in another man's shoes
see the world through another man's binoculars,
cure another man's ham...
I'm still fine-tuning my platform.
You call that a platform? Okay, here it is!
I knew it was coming!
(SPEAKING MYPOSIAN)
No, wait, no. I know. I know.
You thought that I was just gonna jump in and go crazy
but I was only asking, if that's your platform.
And if it is...
...I hope it works for you.
Really? Really.
Aw, thank you, cousin.
I haven't even started baking
my special election spleen chip cookies.
Spleen chip cookies? Yeah, original recipe.
And now with pimentos.
Well, well...
You know, Balki, uh, I don't want you to think
that I'm getting involved in your campaign
because I'm not. Really.
But as a disinterested bystander,
uh, would you allow me to say that spleen chip cookies
are not gonna be enough to, to get you elected.
Well, of course they're not.
Don't be ridiculous.
That's why each student gets a special
"Vote for Balki" sheep kidney coin pouch.
Oh, no, no. Don't touch, cousin.
It's not quite dry yet.
Balki, sheep kidney coin pouches and spleen chip cookies
with or without pimentos, may work on Mypos
but in America, you need slogans
buttons, posters, position papers.
We have got to set up meetings with the voters.
We're gonna have to, did I say "We?"
Because I meant "You." You.
This is your campaign. Not mine. I wouldn't do it.
(CHUCKLES) I put all that behind me.
(CHUCKLES) No, no way. No how.
Not in a million years.
Don't need it, don't want it,
wouldn't do it,
not this guy.
You want in, don't you, cousin?
Please, please, please.
Okay, okay. You can be my campaign manager.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
But you have to promise me one thing.
Anything. You won't go overboard.
I promise I won't go overboard.
Oh.
(DRUM BEATS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Balki, I'm glad you're here.
Let me show you around campaign headquarters.
You promised me, you were not going to go overboard.
And here you are
scraping barnacles off the Titanic!
Balki, this is just a bare minimum.
We have posters with your picture
we're putting up all over campus.
We have people calling students
urging them to vote for you.
We have volunteers stuffing campaign literature
into envelopes.
"Dear fellow student..." No time now.
You can read what you said later.
Have you noticed
how handsome you look in the poster?
Oh, cousin, it's a real Kojak moment.
Now, over here, we are tallying
the latest results of a poll we've just taken.
I want to know how much of a lead I have built for you.
I'm good, Balki. I am really good.
Balki, this is so exciting.
And I'm gonna be First Girlfriend.
I've recruited Jennifer and Mary Anne
Oh, I'm gonna speak on your behalf
at the women in College Foundation.
And I'm talking to the cheerleaders.
I speak their language.
Give me a B! ALL: B!
Give me an A! ALL: A!
Give me an L! ALL: L!
That's good. Save it, save it, save it for the rally.
Cousin, are all of these people
going to stay to dinner?
and you know how hard it is to stretch snout.
Balki, they're not staying for dinner.
These are your campaign working volunteers.
They believe in you. They love you.
(CHUCKLES)
Now, your job is just to be yourself.
Just...be Balki.
You think you can handle that? Well, of course I can.
Don't be ridiculous.
I've got the vest, the accent
and 26 years of experience.
I knew you could do it.
Oh, cousin, I'm gonna need your advice.
You've got to tell me which vest do you think
I should wear to the debate.
What debate?
the day before the election, isn't that great?
No debate! No debate! Debates are a big mistake.
But, cousin, don't you think it's a good way
to show the students how I feel about the issues?
I've got that covered. Don't worry about it.
Have I told you how good I am?
Twice. Okay.
you'll be meeting with the football team.
You'll tell them how important you think sports are
to the school's image, got it?
Okay, then at 10:30, you'll be meeting with the science club.
You'll tell them, you think education is important
and too much of the school's budget is spent on sports.
Got it? Too much on sports. Got it.
Okay, at noon, you'll be meeting with the fraternities.
You'll tell them, you think entirely too much time
is being spent in the classroom
Too much fraternity.
meeting with the Honor Society.
not to party, and you're pushing for Saturday classes, got it?
Okay, cousin, small, small question
from a simple Mypiot boy.
This looks like I'm just telling everyone what they want to hear.
Welcome to politics.
I am so proud of you.
Now, cousin, just hold on a moment.
Are you asking me to do something dishonest?
But, Balki, you want to
Yes. Well, to do that.
You're gonna have to get elected Student Body President
and I am the man to help you do it.
Cousin, I think I can make my position
on all the issues clear at the debate.
No debate! Forget the debate!
First rule of campaigning, do not debate!
Uh, Larry I have the results of the latest poll.
Attention! Attention, everybody!
Go ahead, Jennifer. Give them the good news.
Cousin, I-- Uh, Larry, I think we should--
Balki, for the last time, no debate! No debate!
Go ahead, Jennifer.
Tell them how far Balki is ahead.
Balki is trailing by fifteen points.
You're gonna have to debate your opponent.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Balki, for the last time
you are not going to wear
the traditional Myposian election hat!
BALKI: Oh, is that so, is that?
Give it to me! No!
Give it to me!
(BABBLING)
(PANTING)
Jennifer, Mary Anne
Balki is ready for the mock debate.
I've groomed him, I've prepared him.
It's taken five years off my life.
(SOBBING)
Oh, ladies...
the next Student Body President
of Chicago City College
Balki Bartokomous.
(APPLAUSE)
Oh, Balki, you look so handsome in that suit.
It needs a hat.
It doesn't need a hat.
Okay, ladies, take your seats.
Now, Balki...
(PANTING)
Remember, ahem, presentation is key...
Right.
...to winning the debate.
Well, what do we do to improve our presentation?
Um... Oh! Oh!
I don't rest my hands on the podium.
It makes me look lazy.
And, uh... Uh, and... Uh, uh, uh, uh...
Oh! And I don't fidget with my tie.
It, uh, it makes me look, uh, nervous.
Uh-huh. What else?
Heck if I know.
(GRUNTS)
Oh! I never use the phrase, "Heck if I know."
It makes me sound, it makes me sound chloroformed.
Uninformed. Uninformed.
Uninformed. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
And...
Ee...
Oh! Uh, remember to smile. Okay, good.
Good, good. All right. Okay.
Jennifer, ask the first question.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mr. Bartokomous... Uh-huh?
What is your position on the financing
of student loans?
Student loans?
Boy, I wish I had a hat.
Balki! Okay, okay, okay.
Mr. Bartokomous, what is your position
on the financing of student loans?
Jennifer, uh, uh, I'm glad you asked me that question
because the financing of student loans
um, is an issue that deserves my attention
and, uh, and, uh, let me assure you
that my attention is what it will receive
in its complete and unabridged form.
Uh, and the financing of student loans
is actually part of, uh, of my...
...ten point program for better schooling.
Yes, Balki, you are doing great!
Oh! Ah! Ah!
Smile.
Larry, I have to talk to you, I have something to tell you
that's going to upset you.
You've changed your mind.
You're not gonna marry me?
That's awful! You didn't tell me that!
That's not the bad news.
Well, maybe not to you, but think of poor Larry.
Larry, the bad...
Oh!
The bad news is the athletes found out
They've switched their votes to Balki's opponent.
All right, I thought this might happen
I gotta tell Balki.
Come on, Mary Anne, we better take our seats.
You know, it's a good thing Larry has this campaign
to take his mind off the broken engagement.
Balki?
The athletes have decided to change their votes
to your opponent.
Well, people change their minds.
Pigs, on the other hand, make one decision
and stick with it.
(SNORTS)
Balki, don't you understand?
we're going to lose the election.
Now I have an easy fix, all we have to do is
lose the language thing and they'll switch back to us.
Cousin, wait a minute. Are you...
You know sometimes, I think
you're just a few grapes shy of a bunch.
Have you been listening?
I cannot lose the language thing.
I cannot give that up.
Balki, your goal is to get elected.
Tell them what they want to hear.
Cousin, isn't that just a bit dishonest?
It's the American way.
But won't the students mind?
Mind? They expect it!
Wait a minute...
Uh, preceding the debate
there will be an opening statement
by each candidate.
Uh, Mr. Bartokomous, we're ready for your opening statement.
Uh, thank you, my fair chair lady
faculty and my worthy opponent
and students.
My name is Balki Bartokomous
of the students, for the students
by the students.
Ah! Ah!
Ee...
Uh, if elected, I promise
to be firm, yet flexible
tough, yet vulnerable
soft, yet absorbent.
I would like to establish a kinder, gentler cafeteria.
(APPLAUSE)
We will now open the floor
to questions for Mr. Bartokomous.
Uh, yes, in the pink angora.
My name is Lisa Morgan. Mr. Bar--
Hi, Lisa!
Hi.
Mr. Bartokomous
you said you wanted to be the Education President.
But when you spoke in front of the fraternities
you said education was overrated.
Where do you stand?
because where I stand
uh, deserves my attention.
And I can assure you that where I stand
'will receive my attention'
in its complete and unabridged form.
Good answer. Um, wait a minute.
That doesn't seem to make any sense to--
What about the rumor that you want us to take
some dumb language before we graduate?
I'm glad you asked that question
because I cannot lie to you.
Now, let me just-- Uh, uh, yes. Uh...
He has another engagement.
that, uh, if elected...
Cousin, please.
Please, I have to do this.
Listen, if you're going to vote for me
you've got to know who I am
and what I really believe in.
My name is Balki Bartokomous
and I'm a sheepherder from Mypos.
And yes, if I am elected I do intend
to reinstate the language requirement.
(BOOING)
I lost, Balki.
I lost big.
You know, I wanted to win just once.
Cousin, would you please stop this?
You did not lose.
I lost. I lost. I did.
I lost the election.
You're right, Balki.
You're the big loser.
And don't you forget it.
I can't believe you're taking this so well.
You lost.
I didn't get elected president
but I got what I wanted.
My opponent thought
that reinstating the language requirement
was a good idea and she's gonna push for it.
And that makes you happy?
Happy?
I'm erratic!
Oh, God! Oh, goodness!
I lost again! Oh, no.
I've lost 13 student elections
and the last one I wasn't even a student!
Okay. Oh, God.
Okay, here we go, tape number one.
I can't belie...
"My body is a hollow reed.
"Trouble blows through me like the wind."
(WHISTLES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)