[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪ ♪ Ah ♪
♪ ’Cause my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
Cousin, cousin, cousin!
I just ran into Big Carmine on the loading dock.
You know, the guy that can open a beer bottle
with his belly button?
Well, he told me that it’s my duty as your best man
to throw you a bachelor party.
I had no idea!
‐Would you like that? ‐I’d love a bachelor party.
Is there gonna be any, uh
bachelor‐type entertainment, huh?
[chuckles] Huh?
Oh.
Huh?
‐Aah! ‐Aah!
Stop, stop it.
What are we talking about?
I’m talking about the entertainment
you have planned for the bachelor party.
Oh, oh, oh, that.
Well, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I thought we’d bob for onions.
And then, uh, play a few rounds
of pin the mustache on Miss Mypos.
Eh? Eh?
And then I thought we’d get down to the main event
of the bachelor party.
Team quilt making, that’s right.
That’s right.
‐Hi, guys! ‐’Mary Anne, Jennifer!’
What a surprise! What are you doing here?
Oh, uh, we came to pick up Larry
to get measured for his wedding ring.
I’m going along, too, even though I’m not engaged
because it would be a good experience
in case I ever become engaged
which is possible because I’m still single
and therefore eligible to become engaged.
Mary Anne.
Yes, Balki?
You have something on your chin.
[Lydia laughing]
Oh, oh. Ahem.
Um, there’s, uh, a new, uh
librarian in the Archives.
He certainly knows where everything is.
So are you two ready for the big day?
Oh, yeah, we’re all set.
[chuckles] Then you’ve signed the papers?
‐What papers? ‐The pre‐nuptial agreement.
After all, your best earning years are ahead of you.
And someone with your talents could make a lot of money
and you don’t wanna lose it all on a messy divorce.
I wouldn’t even consider asking Jennifer
to sign a pre‐nuptial agreement.
I was talking to Jennifer.
We’ll have lunch.
Oh, hi, Lydia. The new librarian’s married.
Jennifer, Mary Anne, guess what. Guess what.
I’m throwing a bachelor party for Cousin Larry tonight!
Oh‐ho‐ho‐ho! Ho‐ho‐ho!
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Oh, okay, stop, stop it, stop it, stop it.
Larry, I can’t believe you’re going to have
one of those disgusting bachelor parties.
[laughing]
Enough. Alright, stop it, stop it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it. Don’t...
Jennifer, it’s not gonna be anything like that.
We’re‐we’re just gonna get together
a‐and, uh, make a quilt.
Larry, give me a little credit.
I know what goes on at these things.
A bachelor party nearly destroyed my family.
My Cousin April’s fiance ran off with a stripper
from his bachelor party.
He gave up a thriving dental practice
to tell jokes at a place called Benny’s Boom‐Boom Room.
I love the Boom‐Boom Room.
Oh, it’s a real classy place.
They’ve got this thick carpeting that cushions your fall
if you slip off your barstool.
I just don’t think I could ever marry a man
who would participate in such a disgusting, degrading ritual.
[laughs]
Stop it! Stop it! Stop! Stop it!
J‐J‐Jennifer, Balki is organizing the bachelor party.
You have nothing to worry about.
Oh, I hope not.
Well, we better get going. I‐I’ll see you after lunch.
[laughs]
Stop it! Stop it!
[indistinct chatter on TV]
Goat doodle?
They’re the traditional Myposian pre‐wedding snack.
They’re hairless.
There it is! Y‐yeah.
[all cheering]
‐Yes! ‐Quiet! Quiet!
Now look what you’ve done to his doodles!
Hey, Lar, lighten up. It’s a bachelor party.
It’s supposed to be loud.
You keep it up and I will send you home
just like I sent Fred home.
[lowers volume]
‐Oh, come on. ‐Oh, come on.
[knock on door]
[indistinct chatter on TV]
Mr. Gorpley.
Dusty doodle?
Come in.
Mr. Gorpley, I’m glad you’re here.
Things, things are kind of slow.
Looks like I got here just in time.
I brought everything we need.
Bartokomous, this party is about to heat up.
‐Okay, he’s goin’! ‐He’s goin’. All the way!
He’s goin’!
[all cheering]
(all) Move it! Move it!
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
Quiet, or I am going to have to clear this room!
‐Balki! ‐Ah!
Watch your doodles!
Mr. Gorpley.
Here.
Wet...
...your...
...whistles.
[gasping]
‐Tastes great. ‐Less filling.
Five bucks says that Appleton can’t do two.
‐Ah! ‐Oh, ho, ho, I can do two!
‐Easy! ‐Go!
[all chanting] Go! Go! Go!
[shatters]
[all laughing]
There we go.
I don’t see...
[indistinct]
[all laughing]
Go! Go! Go!
[all chanting] Go! Go! Go!
[all cheering]
[knock on door]
‐I’ll get it! ‐I’ll get it!
[grunts]
‐’I got it.’ ‐’I got it.’
‐I’ll get it. I’ll get it. ‐’I’ll get the door.’
‐I’ll get the door. ‐’I’ll get the door.’
‐’I got it.’ ‐I’ll get the door.
I thought our living room was bigger.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
Oh, it’s you.
[both laughing]
[laughing]
Are you Larry Appleton?
Am I?
Well, of course, you are. Don’t be meticulous.
[laughing]
Hi. I’m Bambi.
[all cheering]
[upbeat music]
[men whistling]
[telephone rings]
(Balki) ’Cousin, answer the phone.’
I’m trying to answer the phone
but I can’t concentrate with all this...
...ringing.
[screams]
[ringing continues]
Balki, our phone is inside the wall.
Oh. Ow. Oh.
[ringing continues]
I’ll find it.
Hello.
Appleton‐Bartokomous residence.
How may I direct your call?
Oh, it’s Jennifer. Cousin, it’s for you.
Hello?
Oh, oh, hi, Jen!
What‐what bachelor party?
Oh! Oh, m‐my bachelor party.
Well, well, it was, it was, uh, very, very pleasant.
Uh, you wanna come on down? Well, sure.
Sure, that’s w...
W‐well, uh, uh, isn’t‐isn’t it a little, uh, uh, early?
What? Noon? It’s already noon?
Wha‐wha... No, no, no, I’ve‐I’ve been up for hours.
Yeah, oh, okay, alright. Yeah, sure.
Okay, okay. Come on down. See you in a few minutes.
Jennifer is coming down, so I can try on my wedding band.
[gasps]
Ow!
If she sees this mess, I’m a dead man.
We have to clean this place up now!
Cousin, what should I do with this punch?
Throw it out.
Here, give me a hand over here.
There.
Oh.
Everything’s fine.
No evidence of a bachelor party.
No evidence of a stripper.
No evidence of anything at all.
What’s that?
That’s my arm.
Fingers, hand, wrist, tattoo of a naked lady.
[gasps] Oh, my Lord!
[gasping]
Cousin, that’s, that’s not just any naked lady.
That looks like Bambi.
Boom, boo‐boom. Boom, boo‐boom. Boom, boo‐boom. Boom, boo‐boom‐‐
Balki!
I must have gotten this last night.
Wh‐where did we go last night?
Did we go down to the wharf?
[sniffing]
‐What did we do? ‐Don’t you remember?
Well, the last thing I remember is‐is‐is drinking punch
out of Bambi’s bra.
That’s the last thing I remember too.
It was a double.
Where do I come up with them?
Balki, Jennifer will be here any minute.
And I have a‐a naked lady tattooed on my arm.
I have no reason to go on living!
[crying]
It’s okay. I have everything under control.
I know what I have to do. I’ll just cut off my arm.
[grunts]
Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin, you cannot cut off your arm.
[growling]
Why am I making myself crazy?
I’ll just pull down my sleeve.
[screaming]
[knock on door]
Balki, it’s Jennifer.
If she sees my arm, my life is over.
[knock on door]
No, it’s not, cousin.
Why aren’t you helping me?
Cousin, put your, put your right arm in this, in the coat.
Put our right arm in the coat.
Don’t put your left arm in.
I’ll put my left arm in right behind you.
Now sit down.
’Give me your hand.’
Okay, here we go.
[knock on door]
Come in.
Jennifer?
‐Hi, Larry. ‐Hi.
Oh, come in. Uh, uh, sit down.
Uh, gosh, I‐I‐I wished I had known you’re coming.
Uh, because, uh, because, uh, well
because, uh, of course, I’m, I’m a mess.
Well, I can’t wait for you to try on your wedding ring.
Oh, oh, uh, uh, uh...
Uh, Jennifer, well, uh...
You know...
...trying on a wedding ring
before the ceremony
is bad luck.
Bad luck, unh‐unh.
No! No, no, no.
A total no.
[indistinct mumbling]
(Balki) ’Ah!’
Larry, that’s ridiculous. Now give me your hand.
Uh, uh, oh, oop.
‐’Ah!’ ‐Ooh.
Uh, I just remembered.
Ow!
[groans]
Uh, you know, I‐I don’t think the, uh
wedding band will, will fit today
uh, because, uh, because I’m...
Uh, ooh, well, well, uh...
[indistinct mumbling]
Ooh! Because...
...of water retention.
Water retention.
Yes, just... Oh, bloat! Bloat! Look at that.
Look at, look at that, bloat.
Look at that bloat.
(Balki) ’Oh, ow, ow!’
‐Larry, give me your hand. ‐Um, well, oh, oh, uh, okay.
Well, I never realized what long
lovely slender fingers you have.
Oh, oh, well, oh.
Oh, oh, ha‐ha...
[indistinct mumbling]
[laughs]
Actually, uh, I always thought
your fingers were kind of short and chubby.
Well, I‐I, I would’ve described them
as, uh, strong and masculine.
Well, I’ll say I always liked your short, chubby fingers.
I thought they were sexy.
Well, you know, you know...
[laughs] Well, yes.
I, but, I had no...
Oh, I still have one of those!
[laughs]
The, uh, ahem, this hand, uh, represents
uh, my strong masculine side.
[Balki groans]
Well, whereas, uh, this hand, uh, uh, represents
my, my my soft wimpy side.
Ouch!
[Balki groaning]
[screams]
Well, it’s, uh ahem, gas, gas!
[grunting]
Hoo‐hoo!
Better.
[panting]
Ah! Woo‐hoo!
[laughs]
‐Larry. ‐Hmm?
‐Why don’t we stop this? ‐Stop what?
I know about the Bambi tattoo.
[gasps]
[gags]
Do, you‐you‐you do?
Yes, I do.
[grunts]
Darn, rats!
[grunts]
[laughs]
[grunts]
[inhales sharply]
Woo! Hoo! Hoo!
[chuckles]
Balki, you can come out now.
Oh, Jennifer, how long have you been here?
It’s a nice try, but I know everything.
Well, well, c‐could you fill us in?
[scoffs] Well, at, uh, 2 o’clock in the morning
your friend Jimmy knocked on my door looking for his car.
Uh, he told me everything.
Evidently, Gorpley tricked Balki
into letting him take care of the entertainment.
So Gorpley hired Bambi and he spiked the punch.
Oh.
Oh, w‐well, Jennifer, Jennifer, I’m, uh...
I’m gonna have to have them change the tattoo.
I’m‐I’m gonna make them add an apron and, and write mom.
Of course, I can never go home again, but, but...
That’s a small price to pay for your forgiveness?
Oh, Larry, it isn’t a real tattoo.
It comes off with baby oil.
It’s one of Gorpley’s little jokes.
Oh, but‐but, y‐you forgive me?
Of course, I forgive you.
Now I‐I’ll tell you what.
Why don’t you just clean that tattoo off
and then I think you should come upstairs
and apologize to Mary Anne?
Last night, someone from your party painted her dog.
Balki, what are you doing?
I’m sitting among the ashes.
Well, I can see that
but why are you sitting among the ashes?
Because I failed you.
And because of me, we drink a horrible alcohol.
We break all the dishes and
and I have a vague recollection
of putting Mrs. Schleggelmilch down the garbage chute.
[sobs]
I don’t deserve the honor of being your best man.
So with a heavy heart
I’m stepping down.
Balki, Balki, come out of the ashes.
‐No. ‐No, no, Balki.
‐Come out of the ashes. ‐No.
Uh, Balki, get out of the ashes!
Wait.
Balki.
The, the day I marry Jennifer
is gonna be the happiest day of my life.
And on the happiest day of my life
I want my best friend standing next to me.
Let’s give him a call.
Balki, I couldn’t have a better best man than you.
‐Really? ‐Yes.
I want you to be my best man.
Then I accept.
Now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy!
♪ Da da da da da da da ♪
♪ Hey hey hey hey hey hey ♪
[theme music]