[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s going to stop me now ♪
[harmonica music]
[theme music]
[instrumental music]
We are making great time.
We were not scheduled to pass that feed store
for another 35 seconds, here.
’There you go.’
‐Ooh! ‐Oh!
Balki, watch where you’re going!
Cousin, you know this drive would be a whole lot easier
if you and your clipboard and your maps
and your stopwatch and your emergency flares
all took the bus and met me at the wedding.
Attitude flare up, right on schedule.
[siren blaring]
(policeman on PA) ’You, in the Mustang. Pull over.’
[blaring continues]
What‐what did you do? Why is he pulling us over?
I didn’t do nothing.
Well, you must’ve done something.
Cousin, I was just driving along
trying to avoid getting paper cuts on my face.
You were telling me "Go slow, turn here, do this"
and then with map in my face!
And, here. How do you like it?
Do you like it? Can you drive?
Look, a little thing for your nose so you can breathe.
[knock on car]
(together) Hi.
Uh, license and registration?
Is‐is there a problem, officer?
Uh yeah, your friend here was driving
twenty‐six miles an hour.
I wanted to go faster but Cousin Larry wouldn’t let me.
And your Cousin Larry?
Larry Appleton, officer.
He calls me Cousin Larry because I’m his cousin... Larry.
We‐well, I think I can clear this up.
You‐you see, I‐I’m getting married at
uh, noon today at the Westridge Country Inn.
The whole wedding’s in mint green and pink.
And we wanted to make sure that
that, uh, we got there in plenty of time
with‐without speeding.
They’re going with birdseed instead of rice.
More environmentally sound.
Are you gonna give us a ticket?
No, just pick up your speed a little
and, uh, good luck with the wedding...
...Cousin Larry.
(Larry) ’Thank you.’
‐Change places with me. ‐No.
‐Move. ‐No, I’m gonna stay right here.
‐Move, come on, change places. ‐No, no, I’m not gonna move‐‐
‐Let’s go. Get out of the seat. ‐I’m bigger than you are.
‐And I’m gonna stay right here. ‐Get out of the seat, come on.
Whoa!
Now, help me move the seat up.
Move it back.
[engine revving] Wait, wait, cousin, cousin.
‐Before you do anything‐‐ ‐’Balki, please.’
‐Cousin, Cousin, wait! ‐’Please, please, please!’
‐I know what I’m doing! ‐Now, you listen to me.
Not another word! Not another word!
‐Not another word! ‐Cousin! Cousin!
Not a single, solitary word
until we get to the wedding.
Thank you.
[car crashes]
(policeman) ’Oh, what the...’
Oh, my Lord!
May I speak now?
Yes...
For future reference
’R’ stands for reverse.
[instrumental music]
(Larry) ’Jennifer...’
Jennifer, ye‐yeah...
Yeah, all‐all‐all that screaming
can’t be good for your throat.
You don’t want to lose your voice
before you have to say "I do".
[laughs]
[sobbing] Oh, God... My good God.
What am I gonna do?
She’s falling apart.
She’s not as strong as I am.
Okay, Cousin, it’s gonna be okay
You come over here, hold this.
Give me the phone and then, just breathe.
Breathe.
Okay.
‐Hello, Jen... Whoa! ‐’I’m gonna kill you!’
‐’It’s the most important da‐‐’ ‐Jennifer, it’s Balki!
‐’Where are you?’ ‐Balki!
‐’How could you?’ ‐Jennifer now, now...
I know he’s not as strong as you are, yes.
Um, maybe you better put Mary Anne on.
Hello, Mary Anne? This is Balki.
Listen, I’m going to tell you something
you got to listen very carefully
it’s very important.
If I put my hand around the phone does it sound like
I’m calling you from a cave?
[distorting voice] Hello, I’m in a cave.
Hello, I’m calling you from...
Speak.
Uh, Mary Anne, look
you’ve got to come down here
bring cash to pay the fine, okay, okay?
[distorted voice] I’m saying goodbye from a cave.
‐Goodbye from... ‐Uh, hello.
Yeah, yeah. Mary Anne?
Yeah, just‐just tell Jennifer
that there’s still plenty of time
to‐to get there before the wedding.
Is‐is‐is that the band setting up?
That’s just her?
Okay, bye‐bye.
Gary, I need some male volunteers for a line‐up.
I’ve always dreamed of being in a line‐up!
(Larry) ’Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.’
Any other day would be fine
but, uh, today is my wedding day.
My bride’s a little upset, so, if you don’t mind...
‐You just volunteered! ‐Oh boy.
[instrumental music]
(Alberton over PA) ’Alright, walk to the left, please.’
Cousin, what this?
Tells you how tall you are.
That’s funny, cousin, you
you always told me you were five‐ten.
I am. The floor slopes.
Maybe we should tell Detective Albertson
about that. Detective Albertson‐‐
Yeah, I’m‐I’m sure he knows.
I’m sure he knows.
Uh, listen, uh
can we move this along
because I‐I have to be somewhere.
Oh, look, cousin, we’ve got company!
Hello, my name is Balki
and this my Cousin Larry.
Balki, we have no time for this.
Cousin, I was just trying to be polite.
I’m Rudy, it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
[chuckles]
Even when one is incarcerated, manners are important.
What am I always telling you?
You are absolutely right.
Alright, alright, I’m going!
(Alberton over PA) ’Stand on the numbers.’
Hi, my name is Balki and...
And, and, uh...
Uh...
Wow!
This is like looking into a mirror
if Cousin Larry was standing in front of it.
Well, this is, uh, really throwing off
my schedule, guys.
If‐if we could just move this along.
(Alberton on PA) ’Number four, pipe down’
’and face front.’
’Now, take your time Mrs. Marshall, and tell me’
’if, uh, any of these men look like the person who robbed’
’your store last night?’
(Mrs. Marshall) ’That’s him! The one on the end.’
’The one with the curly hair and no upper lip.’
(Albertson on PA) ’Number four, step forward.’
No! No, no, no, no.
No. Uh...
No, no, it wasn’t me.
It wasn’t me, it was, it was, it was...
Well‐well‐well, it was probably him!
He‐he has much less of a lip than I do.
Oh, no, Cousin, he got twice the lip you got.
Balki, Balki, don’t help. Alright, don’t help!
‐Don’t do anything! ‐You got a line.
‐Don’t talk, not another word! ‐You have nothing.
Not another word! Not a single solitary word!
Ugh, I‐I‐I couldn’t have robbed
a store last night because I was at home.
I was at home, I was with Balki.
I was, I was, I was... Tell them, Balki.
Tell them I was with you. Tell them.
Talk! You‐you you can talk now, tell them.
Are you subject to wild mood swings
like my Cousin Larry?
Tell them!
I wish you’d make up your mind.
Yeah, I was with Cousin Larry last night.
(Albertson on PA) ’Good news, Mrs. Marshall’
’we have the driver of the getaway car, too.’
’Book ’em both!’
Cousin!
You won and I’m first runner‐up!
[instrumental music]
‐Balki? ‐’Mary Anne!’
‐Oh, Balki! ‐Oh, Mary Anne!
I was so worried about you, are you alright?
‐Yeah, I’m okay. ‐Oh, Balki.
I’ll wait for you, no matter how many years
you rot in this stinking hellhole.
Mary Anne, when I get out of the big house
we’ll make a fresh start.
A guy can change!
Balki, will you stop it. We didn’t do anything!
That’s what makes it so tragic.
Never mind... Stop...
Stop... Stop it, stop it! Never mind all this.
Stop!
Where’s Jennifer, is she alright?
Oh, she’s much better, she was right behind me.
(Larry) ’Oh, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer!’
Oh... Oh, Jennifer!
Jennifer, Jennifer...
Oh.
[grunting]
I missed you so much.
I missed you so much and I am so sorry.
I’ll‐I’ll make this up to you.
I’ll make this up to you.
I...
I‐I‐I know you’re angry and you have every right to be.
I’m not angry.
Did you hear that? Am I lucky or what?
I am marrying the most forgiving woman in the world.
Larry, you don’t understand
I’m not angry because I’ve made a decision.
What happened today was a sign.
We shouldn’t get married.
What?
We shouldn’t get married
we shouldn’t have gotten engaged.
I shouldn’t have moved to Chicago.
I should have stayed in Iowa and gone into
the family corn‐canning business.
But, Jennifer, you don’t know what you’re saying.
Yes, I do, Larry, I’ve given this a lot of thought.
I can’t go through with this.
I’m going back to Iowa.
Okay.
I shoulda seen this coming.
I fall in love with a beautiful woman
she falls in love with me.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Nothing works out for Larry Appleton.
I’ll think of you whenever I eat creamed corn.
Thanks.
I’ll think of you whenever I watch "America’s Most Wanted."
Jennifer, Jennifer.
Come on.
I’m sorry, Balki.
I don’t believe this.
‐’What are you doing?’ ‐Cousin?
‐Balki, it’s over. ‐’It’s just not meant to be.’
Now, wait just a minute.
Just listen to me, the two of you.
Come over here, come right over here.
You’re being ridiculous!
Now, don’t be!
You always plan for
for every little thing
every little problem that might come up.
And then when a little problem does come up
that you didn’t plan for, you go to pieces!
So, okay.
When life gives you lemons
make furniture polish.
You’re throwing away all the joys
of being married, for what?
This is what they call throwing out the baby
with the trough water.
And you will regret that for the rest of your life.
Now, you better start talking.
Larry, I really don’t want to go back to Iowa and can corn.
Well, I don’t want you to go back to Iowa and can corn.
Well, you can’t go back to Iowa and can corn
your parents sold the farm and moved to Florida, remember?
Oh, right. Larry, I want to marry you.
And I want to marry you.
Well, uh, maybe we could change our plans.
Well, I‐I‐I wanna go with the flow
uh, but I‐I just don’t know what to do without my clipboard.
You don’t need a clipboard, Cousin.
You don’t need a plan.
All you have to do is know
what you want and go for it.
’Now, what do you want?’
[instrumental music]
Yeah, oh, uh...
Reverend Peters wants us to get started.
Rudy, please.
[instrumental music]
Very nice, Rudy.
Oh, okay, uh...
Reverend Peters say that
uh, he’s ready to begin.
He, he’s got all the wedding guests
gathered around the speaker phone.
Okay, he says you should join hands.
Not you.
Sit down, please.
Okay, I got that.
"Dearly beloved
"we are gathered here today
"to join Cousin Larry and future Cousin Jennifer
in holy macaroni."
"Do you, future Cousin Jennifer
"take Cousin Larry
"to be your awful wedded husband
"for rich man, for poor man
for butter or moist?"
Well, I‐I’m doing the best I can!
This whole thing would go much more smoothly
if I just married them the Myposian way.
’Would that be alright with you?’
He says it’s alright with him.
Is it alright with you
if I marry you the Myposian way?
There isn’t any livestock involved, is there?
Well, of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
Go ahead, Balki.
(Balki) ’Okay.’
The Myposian wedding ceremony is very simple.
Mary Anne, have you got the ring?
Yes.
Give it to the future Cousin Jennifer.
Okay, put the ring on Cousin Larry’s finger
and repeat after me.
Cousin, I give you this ring...
"Cousin, I give you this ring..."
...as a symbol of my promise
to love you and to cherish you.
"...as a symbol of my promise
to love you and to cherish you."
And to tend the flock if you ever get a cold.
"And to tend the flock if you ever get a cold."
Cousin, put the ring on her finger
and repeat after me.
Jennifer, I give you this ring...
"Jennifer, I give you this ring..."
...as a symbol of my promise
to love you and to cherish you.
"...as a symbol of my promise
to love you and to cherish you."
And to chew your food if you lose all your teeth.
"And to chew your food if you lose all your teeth."
This is the part where you tell each other
how you feel.
I feel really good.
[chuckles]
No.
You tell each other
from the bottom of your heart
how you feel about pledging yourself
to one another.
Well, I‐I don’t, uh
feel comfortable doing that.
Cousin, I know you don’t have it planned
but, if you cannot tell Jennifer
how you feel about her now...
...what are you saving it for?
Jennifer...
...wh‐when we first met, I‐I‐I never dreamed that
that we’d be getting married.
And I just hoped that you’d go out with me
and‐and to this day, I‐I haven’t figured out why you did.
And Balki’s right, I‐I can’t plan everything
that’s gonna happen in my life.
But I can plan on spending my life with you.
I love you, Jennifer.
Larry, I went out with you because...
Well, I‐I’m sure I had a good reason.
No, no! I know I had a good reason.
You’re sweet and funny and kind
and no matter what lies ahead
I want to share the unexpected with you.
I love you, Larry.
Now comes the part of the ceremony
where I as official giver of the vows
’get to tell you how I feel about the two of you.’
Cousin Larry, I never had a brother.
Cousin Jennifer, I never had a sister.
If I did, I’d pray
they wouldn’t be as neurotic as you two.
But I couldn’t love them any more than I love you two.
I wish you a long and happy married life.
By the power infested in me
by Reverend Peters
the state of Illinois
and his majesty, King Ferdinand of Mypos...
...I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
This is so moving.
Okay, I can’t let you take the rap for me.
I confess!
I robbed the liquor store.
Would you sit down?
[instrumental music]
Okay, everybody, get ready!
Here they come!
[cheering]
[shrieks]
[instrumental music]
‐Bye, Cousin! ‐Bye!
Bye, Cousin Jennifer!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]