[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long‐lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s going to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music on stereo]
You, you seem a little distracted tonight
my little pork loin.
I was just thinking about Jennifer and Larry.
They get home from their honeymoon tonight.
Right about now Larry’s probably carrying Jennifer
across the threshold of their new apartment.
‐Isn’t it romantic? ‐Yes, it is.
Unless Cousin Larry threw his back out...
...in which case Cousin Jennifer is carrying him
across the threshold.
Which is still kind of romantic in a ’90s kind of way.
Well, as long as the lights are low
and it’s just the two of us...
why don’t we take advantage of the situation?
[giggles]
I know what you’re thinking.
Shadow animals.
I’ll get the screen and the lamp.
Balki, that wasn’t what I was thinking.
Oh, what were you thinking?
[music continues]
Mary Anne, I need the key to the apartment.
Okay, Jennifer, so, I made one little mistake!
It was not a little mistake.
You didn’t put the deposit down
on our beautiful new apartment and now it’s someone else’s
beautiful new apartment.
Jen... Jennifer, I, I promise you
by this time tomorrow
we’ll have an even nicer apartment
th‐than the one we lost.
That’s fine, Larry, but until you find that place
I’ll be living upstairs.
Oh, we‐well, well, at‐at least
let me carry you over your old threshold.
‐Did you hear something? ‐No.
[instrumental music]
And here we are back in the living room.
Now, this room has southern exposure
so, you get lots of light in here all day long.
(Balki) ’Look out, everyone!’
I’m racing my jacket down the laundry chute!
Larry, I love this house.
It’s everything I ever dreamed of.
Well, nothing’s too good for you, sweetheart.
Yes! I won.
And this is one of my fastest jackets.
Uh, Mr. Dexter, I’d like to look at the upstairs again.
Sure.
Did you notice that we have designer faucets
in the master bathroom?
Balki, isn’t this great? Jennifer loves this house.
Cousin, you are going to be so happy here.
No, no, not here, we’re not gonna be living here.
No, Jennifer and I could never afford a place like this.
Cousin, I, I, I know you think of me
as a simple country pumpkin
who just stepped off the goat, but...
...why would you show Jennifer a house that you cannot afford?
Well, Balki, it’s simple.
See, I promised Jennifer I’d find her
a terrific apartment to make up for the one I lost.
I couldn’t. All I could find was a dump.
Now, when Jennifer comes back downstairs
I’m going to insist that we take this house.
She’ll know we can’t possibly afford it
but I’ll tell her I’m willing to sacrifice anything
so she can have it.
She still won’t take it
but she’ll think that I am the most wonderful husband
in the world
and we’ll live happily ever after...
...in that dump.
Get it?
I...
I’m close...
...but, eh, could we take it again
from "Balki, it’s simple?"
Balki, all you have to understand is that
the more Jennifer loves this house
the more she’s gonna love me.
The more Cousin Jennifer loves this house
the more she will love Cousin Larry.
Yes, exactly.
Well, Jennifer, what do you think?
I mean, it’s an amazing house, isn’t it?
Oh, Larry, I love this house
but we can’t afford it.
Well, if you really want it
we’ll‐we’ll just sacrifice a‐and make it work somehow.
I’ll probably have to work a lot overtime.
Maybe even get a second job.
We won’t be seeing each other that much
but, but, hey, if this is what you want
we’ll get it.
Larry, I do love this house but it’s too expensive.
So. I don’t love it that much.
‐Well, if that’s the way feel... ‐Are you crazy?
Do you see the same house I saw?
Three spacious bedrooms?
Two and a half baths?
Did you see the laundry chute?
Yes, Balki, it’s a very nice house
but it’s just really too expensive.
Well, if you think it’s too much‐‐
How can you put a price on the happiness
that living in the house like this could give you?
Did you notice the window seat?
[gasps]
Do you know how many woman in America
would give their eyebrow
to have a window seat like this?
What about when it’s one of them cold Chicago nights
and it’s way too windy to sit in the window seat?
You want some place nice and warm to snuggle up?
You got it!
Look at this!
It’s a walk‐in fireplace!
But if you think it’s too much‐‐
Larry, you know, Balki’s right.
This house is too good to pass up.
I can work extra flights. It’s worth any sacrifice.
We’ll take the house.
[gasps] Oh.
[instrumental music]
I’m sorry, all I had leftover
from my flight were meals from coach.
Would you like another bag of peanuts?
It’s so cold in here.
’Don’t touch that!’
Remember, we made a choice.
Pay for heat or pay for the rent.
I thought we sold our wedding gifts to pay for the rent?
No, no, we sold our wedding gifts
so we could turn on the electricity.
Larry, it’s cold
I need to keep warm.
And you certainly haven’t done anything lately
to raise my body temperature.
I have been under a lot of stress.
And that’s my fault?
We wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for you.
Me?
You‐you’re the one who, who had to have this house.
You’re the one who found this house in the first place.
[knocking on door]
I’ll get it, Larry, I wouldn’t want to put you
through the stress of opening the door.
Hi, Balki. Come on in.
Uh‐huh.
I love it.
I love what you’ve done with the place.
I’m so glad you didn’t fall into that Santa Fe trap.
Uh, I made you a housewarming gift.
It’s a big batch of ferret juice.
Just let the fur rise to the top...
...and then skim it off.
Thank you, Balki.
I’ll just go wash our glass.
This minimalist look you’re going for is really
starting to come together.
Balki, this isn’t a minimalist look
it’s a poverty look.
We‐we, we can’t afford anything
and, and it’s all your fault.
It’s your fault we live like this.
It’s your fault for convincing Jennifer she wanted this house
and turning my life into a living hell!
Cousin, if you want to choke me
if that makes you feel better, go right ahead.
[muttering]
Okay, alright, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m as much to blame as you are.
But, I‐I just wanted Jennifer to be happy
at the start of our marriage.
And now look at me!
Look at me! I mean, I’m eating airline peanuts.
And, and I’m
and I’m too‐too tensed to...
...perform my husbandly duties.
Oh, that’s horrible...
...making Cousin Jennifer take out the garbage.
Larry, I can’t go on living like this.
This house is cold, we’re eating airline food
and I just broke our only glass.
Larry, we can’t afford this house. We have to move.
Jen, we have been over this.
There‐there’s no way we can break our lease.
But, but maybe my night job
at the slaughter house will come through.
Find a way to break our lease!
‐Find a way to break‐‐ ‐Cousin! Stop it! Stop it!
‐Stop it! ‐Sorry, sorry.
[gasping]
May I make an observation?
I sense a lot of tension here.
Now, now, listen to me, cousin
your landlord look like a nice man.
He look like if you explain yourself to him
he’ll understand.
Just go to him and tell him the truth.
Well, you know...
...that might just be crazy enough to work.
Well, what have we got to lose?
Yeah, I’ll, I’ll go down and talk to Mr. Dexter
and‐and tell him the truth!
I‐I haven’t tried that.
Maybe he’ll feel sorry for me.
I know I do.
Well, feed me nails and call me Rusty.
He’s going to tell the truth.
Oh, Balki, Mr. Dexter will never let us out of the lease.
We have to help him. I have a plan!
Oh, God!
[instrumental music]
Come on, Balki. Larry should be with Mr. Dexter by now.
I just figured out what you want to do.
You want to call Mr. Dexter and pretend that we are people
who want to rent the apartment for more money.
‐That’s right. ‐That is dishonest.
I’m not going to let you do that.
Alright, fine, Balki.
‐We’ll, we’ll do it your way. ‐Good.
I’ll call Mr. Dexter and tell him the truth.
Good.
He won’t let us out of the lease.
It’ll take every dime we have to pay for the rent
but eventually we’ll run out of dimes.
We’ll be living on the street.
[gasps] Oh, look! Look!
Balki, who’s that?
Who’s that digging through the trash for food?
Mrs. Schlegelmilch?
It’s Cousin Larry.
[gasps] Oh, and who’s that pathetic little creature
in rags next to him?
Me?
It’s Cousin Jennifer.
They’re hungry.
Oh, sure, every once in a while you’ll come by
our little cardboard box and give us some food.
But one day you’ll come by and...
...we won’t be there.
Why not?
We’ll be dead.
[crying]
But, hey, the important thing is you didn’t have to lie.
No, Cousin Jennifer, I don’t want you to be dead.
We have to be dead. We’re dead! We’re dead!
I don’t want you to be dead! I don’t want you to be dead!
Fine. Make the call.
[gasps]
Oh, you’re good.
[clears throat]
‐Hello, Mr. Dexter. This is‐‐ ‐No, Balki! Stop!
‐Disguise your voice. ‐What?
Well, pretend you’re someone else.
‐Who? ‐Anybody! Just do it!
[breathing heavily]
This is Robin Leach...
...wishing you champagne wishes and caviar dreams...
...from our exclusive state‐of‐the‐art super villa
in fabulous Puerta Vallarta!
Not long ago I was in Chicago
that glittering jewel of steel and glass quivering
on the edge of fabulous Lake Michigan...
...and I happened to see that adorable little house
you had for rent on fabulous Elm Street.
That’s the one!
That gem of gingerbread
with its tempting turret towering towards the twilight.
I happened to mention it to Charles and Di
and the Prince and Princess of Wales were wowed.
Chic Chuck and Divine Di said I would be foolish
not to climb on the Concord
and jet right back here and take it!
What do you mean it’s already been rented?
‐No! ‐No!
No! I’ve already invited Liz and Joan
and Liza and Ivana for a pull‐out‐all‐the‐stops
fabulous housewarming!
I need that house, Mr. Dexter.
Money is no object.
The‐the current tenant is there with you?
Fabulous! It’s real‐life drama at its best!
Mr. Dexter, if you can get him to break
his lackluster lease
I’ll offer you a hundred dollars more a month
than you’re getting now.
No? No? Did I say a hundred dollars more a month
than you’re gettin’ now?
Small change
in the glittering world of top real estate!
I’ll give you double what you’re getting now!
No? Triple!
I’ll give you triple what you’re getting now!
That’s almost three times as much.
Mr. Dexter, I need that house.
Call me when the house becomes available.
My number? My number is, uh, is...
Wha... My number is
five‐five‐five
four‐six‐nine‐three.
Will I repeat that?
Five‐five‐five‐four
six‐nine‐three‐zero.
No! No! No!
Go! Go! Go!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
I’m gonna kill you! I’m give up.
Mr. Dexter, uh, goodbye, Mr. Dexter
and remember to always reach for your dreams in life and love
and you too will be a winner!
Thank you for joining us. I’m Robin Leach.
[instrumental music]
‐Balki, where’s Jennifer? ‐She’s upstairs.
‐I gotta find her. ‐She’s upstairs.
‐I gotta talk to her. ‐She’s upstairs.
I gotta tell her some great news!
Well, cousin, that don’t change a thing. She’s still upstairs.
Now, why you don’t tell me your news.
Alright, Balki, Balki, Balki
I just came from Mr. Dexter’s office
and you’ll never guess what happened.
Tell me, cousin. Don’t keep me on suspenders.
Okay. You know, I went to Mr. Dexter’s
to try to get him to let us out of the lease.
‐Yeah. ‐Okay.
Alright, well, at first he was pretty firm
he was gonna hold me to it.
B‐but then I told him the truth!
Me, Larry Appleton!
And here’s the weird part
it worked!
The truth worked!
I don’t know how, I don’t know why
but it worked!
‐Get out of the city! ‐Well, wait, wait, wait!
It gets better. Y‐you’ll never guessed what happened.
Tell me, cousin, I never could guess what happened.
And not in a million years could I guess what happened.
You’d better tell me what happened.
‐The phone rang. ‐No.
I could tell from Mr. Dexter’s end of the conversation
that someone was interested in renting our house.
And you’re not gonna believe who it was.
Who?
Robin Leach.
‐No! ‐Yes!
‐No! ‐Yes. Robin Leach!
He wanted to rent the house and he was willing to pay
more money than we’re paying!
Well, that’s when I saw my chance.
Oh, God.
Mr. Dexter was just about to let me out of the lease
but I was too smart for him.
Please, cousin, don’t tell me you were too smart for him.
I was way too smart for him.
When Mr. Dexter wasn’t looking
I copied down Robin Leach’s phone number.
I’m going to call him. and sublet the house to him
for three times what we’re paying.
We’ll make 200 percent profit every month!
Cousin, there’s something I think you should know.
Well, hold on, because I gotta make this call.
Well, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.
Balki, hold on. Let me make this call.
Hello!
Pioli’s Pizza?
Why would Robin Leach call and leave the number
for Pioli’s Pizza?
Well, cousin, perhaps he’s smitten
with their spectacularly
succulent Sicilian sausage pizza
with a delicioso deep‐dish doughy crust!
[instrumental music]
Jennifer? Jennifer?
Larry! Larry, I’m glad you’re home. I have great news.
So do I, you remember we decided the only way
we could afford this house was to rent a room?
Yes, I do.
Well, since you were going away on a long flight
I decided to take the responsibility on myself
I found us a roommate.
Well, Larry, that’s very sweet
but I thought that since you’ve been working overtime
I would take on the responsibility
of finding a roommate
thereby reducing your stress.
I found us a roommate.
Well, that’s very thoughtful
but I found a perfect roommate.
Well, that’s very kind of you
but I found the perfect roommate.
Come on down!
Mary Anne, what are you doing here?
I’m gonna live here.
‐She’s gonna live here? ‐Yes.
Well, feed me bran and call me regular.
I’m gonna live here, too!
[shrieking]
Well, there are three bedrooms.
And we can split the expenses.
And still have some money left over for a few luxuries
like food and heat.
This is great! We’ll have a big celebration dinner.
I hope you’re all hungry
because I made a big batch of pig snout.
I’ve got it marinating right now in orange Kool Aid.
Hey, is this gonna be great or what?
Oh‐ho!
[instrumental music]
[sighs] I’m gonna miss this apartment, Balki.
We had a lot of good times here.
Yes, we did.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]