[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart and a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
Well, according to this article, the first year of marriage
is the toughest and the key to survival
is keeping the lines of communication open.
We communicate, don’t we, Larry?
Larry?
I’m sorry. Did you say something?
‐Larry! ‐Kidding. Kidding.
Just kidding.
Everyone, big news!
Listen, I was just over at the Finleys looking at the city
that Mr. Finley made out of popsicle sticks.
It’s Pittsburgh even though my first guess was St. Louis.
But then I saw that it didn’t have a big arch.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
Mr. Finley told me the most amazing news.
Come on, we gotta go over there. You gotta come and see this.
‐Mary Anne! ‐’Aah!’
Oh, put on some clothes and come on over to the Finleys.
Come on. Everyone, come on. You gotta see this. Come on.
What’s going on?
Uh, something about the Finleys’ popsicle stick city.
Oh, I’ve seen it. It’s Pittsburgh.
Am I speaking a foreign language?
Balki, we are not going to the Finleys’.
If we go to the Finleys’, he’ll talk about fishing
and she’ll show us the sweater she knitted for her dog.
Cousin, Mr. Finley told me the most amazing thing.
We’re not the only ones living in this house.
We have a ghost! Oh!
Here’s the topper!
They tell me that the ghost living
in the room at the top of the stairs.
You know who’s room that is?
That’s my room! Oh!
A ghost. That would explain so many things.
Like why the garage door opens and closes by itself.
Mary Anne, we have a remote control.
So what’s your point?
I’m telling you, do you realize how lucky we are?
I mean, on Mypos, it’s a huge honor to live in a haunted hut.
I mean, it‐it‐it brings good luck to the occupants
and it wards off evil and then, of course
there’s someone to pick up the mail when you’re on vacation.
Balki, there is no ghost.
The Finleys sold you a bunch of hogwash.
I didn’t even know they had hogs.
I mean there are no such things as ghosts.
[laughs] There, there are no such things as ghosts?
What do they teach you people in school?
Balki, the whole idea of a ghost is a little silly.
No, no, it is not silly. It is an honor.
You know, ghosts are very particular
about who they move in with.
We should be grateful that Chester decided to live with us.
Who is Chester?
Chester Bainbridge? He’s our ghost.
Haven’t you been listening?
You know, I’m gonna call mama
and‐and share my good news with her.
She’s gonna be so jealous.
She’s been on a ghost waiting list for over five years.
Alright, Jennifer, if there is no ghost
how do you explain the sound of water running
in the middle of the night?
Easy, Larry gets thirsty right after we...
Believe me, it’s not a ghost.
Cousin, just take a look at the book.
Take a look at any part of the book.
Just a sentence, just one sentence.
Just look at one word!
Get the book out of my face.
Hey, cousin, if I could just direct your attention
to this one little page.
Balki, for the last time, I don’t care what the book says.
We do not have a ghost.
Oh, and I suppose the oven just cleans itself.
Mary Anne, it’s nice to know there’s one person
who, who believes what I’m talking about.
Oh, Balki, I always believe what you’re talking about
even when I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Alright, how about a movie after dinner?
Sounds good.
Cousin, cousin, cousin, if‐if you just
if you just take a look, take a look right there.
Cousin, this book is written by a college professor
Michael Williams Fudd.
‐Michael Williams Fudd? ‐Michael Williams Fudd.
Michael Williams, PhD.
And I still say there’s no ghost
and I’m gonna go get the movie section.
[chuckles]
But, but there’s, there’s a whole chapter
on‐on Chester Bainbridge.
There’s even a picture of my room. Look.
You see that fuzzy spot? That’s Chester.
Michael Williams photographed Chester himself.
Michael Williams, I saw him on "Nightline."
W‐what does he say about Chester?
He said that Chester was a really devoted Chicago Cubs fan
and a, a compulsive gambler
and he bet a fortune that the Chicago Cubs
will win the 1929 World Series.
The ’29 Series.
The Cubs lost in five games to Philadelphia.
Jimmie Foxx hit 350 during that series.
Some things just stick in my head for no reason.
Other things go right through it.
Anyway, uh, um...
Uh, Chester couldn’t pay off his bet
and so they found him stuffed into a trunk
in the closet in my room.
Balki, show me the, the picture of Chester in this book.
Now, look, see? Right there. That’s him.
You‐you, i‐if you, if you squint...
...just right, it looks like he’s got a Chicago Cubs hat.
You‐you got to, you‐you gotta tilt your head
to‐to the left.
‐Oh, yeah, yeah. ‐Yeah, right in there, huh?
Oh, Larry, Larry, there’s an actual photograph
of our ghost in Balki’s room.
I left the room for two minutes, suddenly you’re seeing ghosts?
Well, Larry, Michael Williams is a leading parapsychologist.
If he says Chester is upstairs, maybe he is.
‐Cousin, look at the picture. ‐Squint.
Tilt your head to the left and close one eye.
Alright, alright, there will be no more talk of ghosts
in this house, is that clear?
Alright, there is no ghost
and there is no way you can prove there is.
That’s where you’re wrong, Mr. Pouting Thomas.
According to Professor Williams, Chester Bainbridge appears
at sundown every year on the anniversary of his death
which happens to be tonight.
So if you would be so kind as to come up to my room
I’ll be happy to introduce you.
Well, I tell you what we’re gonna do.
It’s almost sundown now, we’re all gonna go up
to Balki’s room and wait for the ghost.
When he doesn’t appear, you’ll see I was right
and then Jennifer and I are going to the movies, okay?
Cousin, that sounds like a great idea.
Now before we go up there
we’ve got to go over some ghost etiquette.
‐Ah. ‐Cousin, now.
Listen, when the ghost appears, whatever you do
don’t say who you’re gonna call? They really hate that.
Chester?
Hello?
We’re here.
Well, I guess we are a little early.
Come on in. Come on.
Balki, when did you find time to do all this decorating?
What decorating? I just unpacked.
I wish I had done more now that I know I’m not in here alone.
You’re not?
Well, just who’s in here with you, mister?
‐Chester the ghost. ‐Oh, right.
[screams]
‐W‐w‐what is it, Jen? ‐It’s Wayne Newton.
His eyes are following me.
Oh, my Lord.
Well‐well, you’re right. They...
They do seem to be moving.
Well, of course, they are. Don’t be ridiculous.
I paid extra for the poster with the movable eyes
and the scratch‐and‐sniff cologne.
It’s Wayne’s own fragrance. It’s called Wayne Drops.
I haven’t decided yet where to put the poster.
Now here’s my dilemma.
I would love it to be the first thing you see
when you walk into the room.
But on the other hand, Wayne looks his best
over here in the morning sun.
What to do, what to do?
There is nothing to be afraid of.
There is no ghost.
Chester Bainbridge was just some guy who was dumb enough
to hide from the mob in his own room.
What did you do that for?
‐Do what? ‐You shoved me.
‐No, I didn’t shove you. ‐Well, somebody shoved me.
[gasps] It’s Chester!
Hey, Chester! Chester, hi! How are you?
Balki, you are talking to the air.
Now‐now‐now there is no ghost!
But just take that.
Cousin.
Don’t ever be rude to a ghost.
You see, they’re a lot like alligators.
They’re fun to have around the house
just as long as they’re in a good mood.
Okay, okay, alright.
Chester, if you’re here, show me!
Come on.
Do‐do that voodoo that you do so well.
There, you see? Nothing.
I was right. There is no ghost.
Now come on, Jennifer. Let’s go to the movies.
Oh, my Lord.
Larry, you wanted proof of a ghost.
I think we have it.
Alright, come on now, let’s, let’s not jump to conclusions.
Th‐there’s gotta be a‐a logical explanation for this.
Cousin, give it up. We’re in mid‐air.
Okay, okay, how about this?
The furnace malfunctioned creating a backdraft
w‐which came up through the vents
uh, which created a‐a thermal vacuum causing things to rise.
Kind of like what keeps airplanes up.
Really? Well, what keeps interest rates up?
Thanks for the ride, Chester.
What about Cousin Larry?
Okay, we’re all safely back on the ground, no harm done.
I admit something strange just happened.
I have no idea what, but it has nothing to do with a ghost.
Larry, I don’t know what kind of sign you’re looking for
but this house is obviously haunted.
I’m going to a hotel. Are you coming?
No! No! I refuse to be driven from my home
by something that doesn’t exist.
Well, if you wanna stay here, fine
but I’ll be at the Kingsley Court.
Come on, Mary Anne.
You know, having a ghost would explain why every time
we open the refrigerator, the light goes on.
No, Mary Anne, the light goes on because...
Yes, having the ghost would explain that.
Nice work, Balki.
I’m sleeping alone tonight.
Thanks to you and your idiot ghost.
Cousin, cousin, cousin, don’t call Chester an idiot.
Ghosts resent having their intelligence belittled.
They think because they’ve seen the whole universe
they know everything.
Okay, he’s not an idiot. He’s a jerk!
Cousin!
Now do you think Chester would be upset
if I went down to the basement and checked the furnace?
He might be.
It was just a breeze.
[thud]
The foundation’s settling.
[eerie music]
Okay, this is a little bit harder.
[ghost moans]
What the hell was that?
(Chester) ’That was my terrifying ghost moan imitation.’
’I’ve been working on it. How do you like it?’
Like it? We love it!
Can you do Elvis?
(Chester) ’Do him? I played cards with Elvis last night.’
So he is dead.
What is it with you people and Elvis?
Cousin, cousin, look. It’s, it’s Chester.
Hi, Chester.
Balki, we have a ghost.
No.
The little guy catches on quick.
Chester, I‐I didn’t mean to call you an idiot or‐or a jerk.
[chuckles nervously] Are we square? Uh‐uh, shake?
Ah, you’re too late. You blew it.
You think you’re so smart just because you’re alive.
Well, I can fix that.
No more Mr. Nice Ghost!
Nice going, cousin.
Now we have an angry ghost on our hands.
We’re gonna have to figure out a way to get rid of him.
Oh, it’s okay. Everything will be fine.
I’ll‐I’ll just apologize.
No, no, cousin, it’s too late for that.
Apologizing won’t work.
Sure. it’ll work. It always works.
I do something to you, you get mad.
I apologize, you forgive me.
Same thing happens with Jennifer.
It’s a beautiful system.
‐Cousin, I don’t think that‐‐ ‐Don’t think. Don’t think.
‐Cousin, just let me finish. ‐Just don’t think‐‐
‐Did you grow up in a hut‐‐ ‐When I explain‐‐
‐I did‐‐ ‐Just listen to me‐‐
‐No, no, no, I know about‐‐ ‐Let me try it‐‐
‐Alright, fine. fine. ‐Thank you. Thank you.
Have it your way.
Chester, I am really, really sorry.
I, you know, I‐I don’t know what came over me.
Just, you know, sometimes I, I get in these moods.
Ah, well, you know, I’ve been going through
a lot of changes lately.
Uh, new wife, new home and, uh, a lot of things...
[Chester moans]
Did you see that?
If that had hit me, it would have killed me!
Now he is trying to hurt me.
Just, just please do something.
Cousin, you can’t just make a ghost go away.
You have to drive him away.
Alright, drive him away. Drive him away!
Go ahead! How do we do that?
Well, the only way to drive a ghost away
is you’ve got to, to make him angry
and then, and then if you make him angry enough
he’ll use up all his energy by having a ghostly tantrum.
And you know, cousin, why don’t you try it?
You’re good at making people angry.
Chester, when you died...
...you were so ugly, they buried you face down.
Didn’t work. Nothing’s happening.
‐Cousin, you know, I‐I... ‐What‐what‐what’re you doing?
I think that something, something is kind of happening.
What’s going on there?
I’m‐I’m not quite sure
but I think something big is happening
and I have a feeling that Chester has control of my hand.
Oh!
‐What did you do that for? ‐I don’t know, cousin!
‐I can’t control it! ‐What? What?
I still think Chester has control of my hand!
‐Stop it! ‐Oh, cousin!
I’m sorry!
[grunting]
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
[groaning]
Oo‐ooh‐oo!
[gagging]
Okay, okay, I think we’ve got him on the run
because‐because he let go of me.
Maybe, maybe I should have a go at it.
Alright, go for it. Go for it! Get him! Get him!
Okay, okay, um, uh, uh
Chester you have the spleen of a cowardly goat!
Oh, you’re getting him. You’re getting him!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Finish him off! Finish him off!
Okay, okay, uh, uh
may, may you fall on your face
with your hands in your pockets.
[laughing]
‐Balki? ‐Yeah?
‐I think you did it. ‐I do, too!
I think he’s gone!
I think you drove that ghost from this house!
So do I. I think he’s‐‐
I think he’s gone from the premises.
Yes.
I don’t hear him. I don’t hear him anywhere.
Amazing! We did it!
We did it! We drove the ghost from the house!
[screams]
Oh, no! Oh no!
Balki! Balki!
[panting]
[screams]
Oh, no!
[grunting]
Whoa!
[blabbering]
Just, just‐just hang on, cousin.
I think, I think Chester is on the run.
I think he’s, I think he’s, he’s slowing down.
‐He’s slowing down, cousin. ‐Ow!
[both screaming]
[panting]
Alright, alright, Balki, Balki
I‐I think I’ve reassessed my previous stand.
Chester, you can have the house.
Just please‐please don’t kill us.
Please don’t kill us.
We were, we were just joking.
(Chester) ’I hate jokes!’
He hates jokes.
[thunder rumbling]
[both screaming]
[Chester moaning]
Larry, Balki, are you alright?
Oh, Jennifer.
Jennifer, you’re back. Sweetheart, oh, oh.
Oh, I missed you.
Oh, Balki, I’m so glad you’re safe.
Larry, what happened? Did you get rid of Chester?
Did we get rid of Chester? Did we get rid of Chester?
Balki, did we get rid of Chester?
‐Yes, cousin, we did. ‐Yeah, we got rid of Chester.
Oh, yeah, he was no match for the two of us.
Oh, he tried his wily ghost tricks
but nothing I couldn’t handle.
Chester bounced us off the walls like two rag dolls
until he got bored and then he left.
Larry, it was very brave of you to stay here.
Well, it’s a man’s job to protect his home.
Besides, Chester locked the door.
Come on. Let’s get some breakfast.
[screams]
‐What? Jennifer, what‐‐ ‐The ghost is here.
I just felt something cold and clammy on my back.
That’s my hand, look.
Oh.
That ghost is gone for good.
Mary Anne, bad news.
Elvis is dead.
[theme music]