[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ Oo‐ooh ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Jennifer, Jennifer! Mary Anne!
[grunting]
Hi. Is Balki here?
No, he’s still downtown taking his citizenship test.
Good. I‐I have a surprise for Balki.
You got him a wooden box.
He doesn’t have one that size.
No, that’s not the surprise.
See, I arranged to have Balki’s mother
flown over from Mypos so she could witness
Balki being sworn in as a US citizen.
I just picked her up from the airport.
Oh, my God! We’ve gotta get her out of there!
Mary Anne, Balki’s mama is not in that crate!
Is she, Larry?
No, no, no!
No, that’s, uh, that’s her luggage.
Uh, Balki’s mama is, uh, outside.
She’s, uh, she’s staring at the mailbox.
She’s never seen one before.
(Mama) ’Cousin Larry!’
Cousin Larry!
[speaking in Myposian]
[grunts]
Uh, she says she’s going to take this little tree
with her back to Mypos.
Well, Larry, I, I didn’t know you spoke Myposian.
Well, I‐I picked up a lot
uh, living with Balki and‐and I took his
uh, Myposian‐English dictionary so that I could
uh, communicate with her.
[speaking in Myposian]
Uh, she loves our‐our beautiful walk‐in kitchen.
Oooh.
[speaking in Myposian]
W‐woww!
She says, "Wow."
Does she speak any English at all?
Uh, yeah, a‐a little, uh, she learned English
uh, from watching American TV shows.
American TV shows, yes!
Lucy! I’m home!
Hee‐ere’s Johnny!
Book ’em, Danno.
[humming "Hawaii Five‐O" theme]
(Larry) ’Mama.’
Mama...
Uh, mama.
She likes everyone to call her mama.
Mama, yes.
Mama, uh, this, this is my wife, uh, Jennifer.
Jennifer!
Hello, Jennifer. Hello. Very pretty.
Very, very pretty. Very nice! Yes!
‐And‐and this is, uh... ‐Yes...
‐This is Mary Anne. ‐Oh.
Mary Anna! Mary Anna!
Very, very nice. Very, very sweet, itta pretty.
Hey, um, where the hippi? Where’s the beef?
Make, uh, make, maki, maki babiki?
Itti, itti Balki? No, I don’t think so.
That’s a big no‐can‐do.
[horn honking]
‐What is that? ‐Larry, Balki just drove up.
‐Balki! Balki! ‐No, now we want this‐‐
‐Balki? ‐To be a surprise, mama.
‐Balki? Balki? ‐We‐we wanna surprise him.
So you’re gonna have to hide in here, okay?
Right in here. Here you go. Here you go.
‐Ooh, yes! Yes. ‐Right inside. Y‐yeah,
You know what, yeah. No, no, mama. Mama. Yeah, um...
No, mama, mama, mama, this is not your room.
Not your room. No, we just want you to hide.
We just want you to hide in here.
Okay, this is your room, this is your room.
Here you go. Here you go. Alright. There you are.
♪ I’m almost a Yankee Dood‐lee Dandy ♪
♪ A Yankee Dood‐lee do or die ♪
I passed my citizenship test!
[everyone applauds]
I knew you could do it.
Well, I’ll be an official citizen of the USA
as soon as I go down to
the Federal building and get sworn at.
I can’t wait to call mama and tell her that soon
Uncle Sam will really be my uncle!
Well, hold on, Balki.
No later, cousin, I’ve got to call mama.
(Mama) ’Balki!’
‐Mama? ‐’Balki!’
Cousin, this is amazing, I‐I didn’t even dial
and‐and yet she knew I was, I was calling!
She must have ESPN.
Mama? Mama, it’s me, Balki!
‐’Balki!’ ‐Balki‐‐
‐Mama? ‐’Balki!’
‐Balki‐‐ ‐Mama?
‐’Balki!’ ‐Balki‐‐
‐Mama? ‐’Balki!’
‐Balki. ‐’Balki!’
(Mama) ’Oh!’
Balki, mama’s not on the phone.
She’s here!
Balki! Balki, my babiki!
‐Mama! Mama! ‐Balki! Balki!
[speaking in Myposian]
Oh, Balki.
Mama says I’m her baby and she loves me.
[speaking in Myposian]
Mama says she wants to go to her room and relax.
Yes.
[speaking in Myposian]
No. No, no.
Yes.
‐ Itti babiki, ho‐ho‐ho. ‐Okay.
Ah, Cousin Larry.
[speaking in Myposian]
Quasar.
Goodnight, John Boy.
[instrumental music]
‐Cousin Larry! ‐Mama!
Look at this. Mama shoparuniki.
[speaking in Myposian]
What is all this?
I‐I‐I thought you were just taking mama sightseeing.
She wanted some souvenirs.
A‐apparently it’s a Myposian tradition.
If you can lift it, it’s yours.
[speaking in Myposian]
Oh, well, lovely.
‐You like? ‐Lovely.
‐And this... ‐Yes, uh‐huh.
This is, this a statement of something.
Well, did she, did she buy anything?
‐You make any, uh, purchasikis? ‐Purchasiki! Wait.
♪ You make me feel ♪
♪ You make me feel like a natural woman ♪
Well, well, well, mama, you are going to look lovely in that.
M‐m‐mama, mama sex pistoliki.
Oh! No.
‐No, I mean it, ‐Oh, go on.
I mean it.
[speaking in Myposian]
Cousin Larry, pooki.
You know, you‐you just missed Balki.
‐Balki? ‐You just‐‐
Balki! Balki! Balki! Balki!
He’ll be back in a minute.
‐In a microseci. ‐Okay.
Uh, Larry, we have to be going.
We’ve been running all morning.
First we took mama to see the city.
City. Wiggly Field.
Then we took her shopping.
Charge it. Yes.
But her favorite thing was the escalator.
‐Escalator. Escalator. ‐Yeah. Ooh.
‐Escalator!. ‐Uh...
Escalator.
Mama. Mama.
[speaks in Myposian]
Uh, it’s broken.
‐Hmm? ‐It’s broken.
‐ Bustakaki. ‐Oh, bummer.
Good luck, Larry.
‐Bye‐bye, bye‐bye. ‐Oh, yes.
Yes, very nice. Very pretty. Goodbye. Goodbye.
These are very nice.
Don’t forget to brush and floss.
And you got to...eat. Okay? Eat, eat.
She hates me.
[laughing] And you said you weren’t ticklish!
Um, I was just helping Lydia with some research.
Uh, mama, these are‐are two friends o‐of Balki’s.
‐Balki! Balki! ‐Yeah, uh...
This is, uh, Mr. Gorpley and Miss Lydia.
Yee, you are friend Balki?
Very, very nice. Nice, thank you.
‐Thank you. Very, very sweet. ‐Oh!
Very pretty!
‐Thank you. ‐Does she speak any English?
Um, not really.
Oh, good.
Mrs. Bartokomous, your son is an idiot.
Oh, wise guy, ’ey?
[grunting]
She may not speak English, but she understands a lot.
Yes.
Come on, Sam. I’ll take you to lunch.
But if anyone sees us we are not together.
Cousin Larry, I got your mail back.
Mama!
Balki, babiki.
Mama, uh, I‐I want to show you the building.
‐Come on, come on. ‐Oh...
[speaking in Myposian]
Mama, ini ina elevator.
Wa! Wowww!
Housewares, notions, ladies’ dresses going up!
[laughing]
Where do I come up with them?
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Balki!
Cousin Larry!
Mrs. Cousin Larry!
Skinny Minny!
♪ Chain ♪
♪ Chain of Fools ♪
Oh, mama, everything looks beautiful.
Thanks.
[sniffs]
Ah! Snout.
Would you give me your recipe?
I hear the way to a man’s heart is through his snout.
Mary Anna, come.
You come. Eat.
[speaks in Myposian]
‐Oh. ‐Yes.
Mmm! Mm‐hm!
Very nice, babiki.
‐Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. ‐Very nice. Very, very nice.
‐Mm‐hmm. ‐Mmm.
‐Come over here. ‐Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
‐Mama... ‐Mmm.
Okay, alright, alright, alright!
Why don’t, why don’t we all, why don’t we all sit down, okay?
‐Take that. ‐No! No, no.
Mama, let’s, let’s sit down. Let’s sit down, okay?
‐Here we go. ‐Balki! Balki!
Balki, come down!
[speaks in Myposian]
‐Balki went to get dessert. ‐Never mind.
Oh, there we are.
Okay, very nice.
I’ve got bad news.
Can you believe in a, in a city the size of Chicago
not one single market carries goat gut pudding?
Uh...I guess we’re stuck with apple pie.
We’ll live with it.
Balki, sit, sit.
Well, it’s time for a toast.
What is toast?
Signifiki clinki tinki.
Clinki tinki.
Well, go for it.
I‐I’d like to officially welcome mama to America.
Land of the free ...home of the Whopper.
Opto kinika chertiki cantiki
andro po kimiga boing boing boing boing...
Cousin...
[laughs]
You’ve, uh, you’ve‐you’ve made rather
a humorous linguistic error. Um...
Opto kinika chertiki cantiki
andro po kimiga boing boing boing boing
means a person who has a driver’s license.
♪ In my little deuce coupe you don’t know what I’ve ♪
♪ Little deuce coupe you don’t know what I’ve got ♪
Thank you, mama.
Uh, what, what you meant to say is that
I’m going to become an American citizen which is
opto politicia certifantiki Americaniki
politaniki ping pong pong pong pong...
Mama? What the biggi dealiki?
What the biggi dealiki?
[speaking in Myposian]
Balki Americaniki politaniki? Over my deadiki bodiki!
Mama’s upset.
She, she, she thought she was coming over here
to see me get my driver’s license?
Cousin Larry, Balki American citizen?
Yes, mama, he’s becoming an‐an American citizen.
No more Mypiot?
That’s right, mama.
Hmm‐hmm... Hmph!
[dramatic music]
[speaking in Myposian]
[crying]
Okay.
What’s going on?
Uh, cousin, she just gave me the one thing a Myposian boy
never wants to get from his mama.
It looks like a chicken foot with one toe missing.
It’s a chicken foot with one toe missing.
It’s the symbol of a Myposian mama’s deepest grief.
Well, what is she grieving about?
Well, well, she, she always assumed
I would go back to Mypos to live.
Well, Balki, you’ll just explain to your mama
that your life is here now.
You’ll go back to Mypos to visit.
No, cousin, you don’t understand.
Mama has given me an ultimatum.
Either I go back to Mypos with her, or...or, uh...
...I am no longer her son.
Balki, she can’t mean that.
Cousin, she gave me the chicken foot, okay?
I, I have to go back to Mypos.
I’m gonna go upstairs and pack.
(Larry) Balki, you can’t do this!
Balki, you have got to listen to reason.
Cousin, we’ve been over and over and over this.
You can talk until the cows buy homes
but it’s not going to change anything.
Balki, if I just had a chance to talk to her
I’m sure I could change her mind.
Well, it’s too late, cousin. She’s gone.
Gone?
W‐w‐when did she leave?
This morning, she, she put her red eyes on the red eye.
Well, Balki, I am not gonna let you follow mama back to Mypos.
I mean, think of what you’ll be giving up.
Uh, your job is here
your girlfriend is here, your future is here!
I‐I cannot break her heart.
If I did that I‐I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
So I’m gonna, I got to go back.
Take care of him for me.
[sigh] You’re really gonna do this, aren’t you?
Yes, I am.
I already said goodbye to Jennifer and Mary Anne.
Please tell them that I’m sorry I made them cry.
Well, I guess this is...goodbye.
Thank you.
Thank you for‐for everything
that you’ve done for me over the last five years.
Well, I got back much more than I gave.
I’ll miss you, Cousin Larry. Don’t forget me.
[instrumental music]
I’m sorry about the snout.
I‐I don’t really have the hang of it yet.
Balki called today.
He sends his love to everyone.
Well, I’m glad he made it safely back to Mypos.
Oh, Balki made it safely back to Mypos
but his luggage went to Skeptos.
He says as soon as he gets his clothes back
he’s gonna look for a job.
My heart is breaking into a million pieces.
Oh, Mary Anne, it’s okay.
He’ll write. He’ll visit.
Jennifer, you are so naive.
Alright, wait a minute.
L‐listen to us. We’re sitting around crying in our snout.
I should never have let him go in the first place.
‐I’m going to Mypos. ‐You’re what?
I’m going to Mypos and I’m gonna bring Balki back home.
Hello? Transcontinental Airways?
Book me a seat on your next flight to Mypos.
[dramatic music]
Mypos.
M‐Y‐P‐O‐S.
(male narrator) Next on "Perfect Strangers..."
[instrumental music]
‐Hello, Balki. ‐Hi.
‐Mama, we have to talk. ‐Ahh! Ai, ai ai ai!
You see this, that’s my return ticket to Chicago.
♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪
By the way, you’re drinking from the goat’s water bowl.
[theme music]
[music continues]