[opening theme music playing]
♪ Sometimes the world Looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you get a feeling Like you need ♪
♪ Some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what The odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand In my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street A light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stop Me now ♪
Balki, I have great news!
What is all this?
Cousin, you know it’s mama’s soon.
And I want to get her really special birthday present this year.
So, I had to get a part‐time job.
I’m a bear stuffer!
[audience laughing]
And this is my bear‐stuffing jamboree!
‐[sarcastically] That’s great. ‐Well, it’s better than great.
It’s fun, it’s wacky and it’s not as easy as it looks.
You have to pay attention every second. For instance,
one of these bears has half of my Snickers bar in it.
[audience laughing]
‐Balki! ‐Yes, yes, it’s hard work
but it’s worth it knowing that I’m bringing joy to little children.
All right, Balki, forget about bringing joy to little children.
I have got us a part‐time job that is going to make us rich!
This afternoon I interviewed L. Bob Frederick,
President and CEO of Clean For Life.
Get out of the city! I know who’s L. Bob Frederick.
He was on the cover of Cheez Whiz magazine!
[audience laughing]
Not Cheez Whiz magazine,
Biz Whiz magazine.
[audience laughing]
Balki, L. Bob Frederick told me that he finally found in me...
A salesman who could sell their Clear For Life Home Hygiene System.
You’re not gonna believe this stuff, Balki.
This... is a miracle!
[audience laughing]
You guys are gonna have to stuff yourselves for a while.
[audience laughing]
Here it is. This stuff puts the lean in clean.
It puts the spark in sparkle.
Does it put the hiney in shiny?
[audience laughing]
Yes, it does.
Cousin, this miracle looks an awful lot like a bottle of soap.
[audience laughing]
Balki, you have no vision.
Well, I did have pink eye once but I... [audience laughing]
I think it’s all cleared up
Balki, when you look at this bottle of soap you see a bottle of soap.
‐That is correct. ‐When I look at this bottle of soap
I see cars, yachts, beach houses!
[audience laughing]
I don’t see any of that. [audience laughing]
Cousin, I see something. It’s getting bigger...
And bigger... Cousin, it’s you!
[audience laughing]
Balki, this miracle product combined with this marvel of technology, the Omni‐Sweep,
will revolutionize the way we think of dirt.
You know, when I think of dirt I think of the floor in Mama’s kitchen,
hard‐packed and you can eat an omelet off it.
[audience laughing]
But let’s get back to your incredible vision.
Can you tell me which of those bears has my Snickers in it?
[audience laughing]
Balki, your bear‐stuffing days are over.
I’m not gonna ride the Clean For Life gravy train without you.
You mean we’re going to be partners?
Well, sixty‐forty but partners, sure,
‐Oh Cousin, you are too kind. ‐You take the sixty.
If it’ll make you happy. [audience laughing]
[theme music playing]
All right, now, before we start making huge sums of money
we’ve got to go over the finer points of selling.
Sure, Cousin, what would you like to know?
[laughing]
Balki, Balki, Balki... [audience laughing]
I already know everything there is to know about selling.
I stayed up all night reading the Clean For Life handbook,
"Knock Knock, I’m There." [audience laughing]
"A Guide to Door‐to‐Door Selling", by L. Bob Frederick.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You are not ready for the book.
I want to read the book.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Balki, if it were up to me
I would let you see the book,
but L. Bob gave explicit instructions not to let you see the book.
He said that it contains mind‐control information which,
in the wrong hands, could be dangerous.
[audience laughing]
I will tell you everything you need to know about selling.
Now, there are two basic rules to selling.
Get your foot in the door and get the money, get the money, get the money.
[audience laughing]
Cousin, that seems to me to be four rules.
However, I’m not allowed to read the book!
[mocking] Oh no! Oh no, no, no! Oh no, no, no!
Balki, you don’t need to read the book,
L. Bob said that everything you need to know about selling
is printed on this little card.
L. Bob actually said that I was allowed to read the card?
[audience laughing]
‐Yes, he did. ‐Did... Did he actually use my name?
Yes, he said, Balki should read this card.
[audience laughing]
Now, I think it would be helpful if we did a little practice run.
Good. [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
Now, you pretend to be the salesman.
I will pretend to be the customer.
Cousin, when you were talking to L. Bob, how did my name come up?
I mean...
‐Get outside. ‐Okay.
Here’s the card.
Balki. [audience laughing]
Yeah? [audience laughing]
‐Knock. ‐What?
‐Knock, knock. ‐Who’s there?
[audience laughing]
Oh!
[audience laughing]
[doorbell rings]
Read the card.
[speaking gibberish]
Can I interest you in a revolutionary way to clean your home?
‐No. ‐Okay, bye.
[audience laughing]
‐Where are you going? ‐Well, I’m going back to bear‐stuffing.
‐I stink at selling. ‐No, no, no, no.
Come back inside. Okay, I see the problem. Okay, I see the problem.
Okay. Listen, sit down.
See, when I said, "No", you thought I meant no.
‐Yes. ‐No.
[audience laughing]
You see, to a good salesman no means yes.
‐You understand? ‐Yes... and no,
[audience laughing]
‐When you say, "No..." ‐Yes.
‐...do you mean yes? ‐No.
[audience laughing]
But, but, then why, but, but when, when you say, "No", you don’t mean yes?
No. I mean no.
No, see, when a customer says, "No", they mean yes.
When I say "No", I mean no.
[audience laughing]
Let me try to put this together.
‐When, when you’re being the customer, no means yes. ‐Yes.
‐When you’re being Cousin Larry, no means no. ‐Yes.
‐When you look at a bottle of soap, you see a yacht. ‐Yes.
[audience laughing]
[sobbing]
Okay, Balki, I think this little outburst proves
‐that you are not ready to read the book. ‐I’m fine.
I think maybe by the time we go once around the neighborhood,
I’ll have the hang of this door‐to‐door selling.
Balki, we are not going to go once around the neighborhood.
‐No? ‐No.
And I mean no.
Balki, in this neighborhood, we could go to a thousand doors and make one sale.
A good salesman goes to one door and makes a thousand sales.
We are going to sell this product to Lenora Dumont.
[exclaiming] Lenora Dumont? Lenora Dumont?
‐Yes. ‐Never heard of her.
Well, I have. I interviewed her last month.
She owns the Dumont chain of hotels.
Balki, we are going to make her the Queen of Clean.
We are about to make salesman history. Are you with me?
‐No! ‐[audience laughing]
Balki, get in here.
[singing Lone Ranger theme song]
‐Hi‐Yo, Omni‐Sweep! ‐[audience laughing]
All right, Balki, this is not fun and games.
‐Whatever you say, Kemo Sabe. ‐[audience laughing]
All right, now,
when Mrs. Dumont gets here, let me do all the talking.
You just remember rule number two: Get the money, get the money, get money.
Cousin, I still think that’s rules two through four.
[audience laughing]
Maybe it’s explained in the book.
However, I’m not allowed to see the book.
[mocking] Oh, no, no! Oh, no, no, no, no!
‐Good afternoon. ‐Good afternoon, Mrs. Dumont.
‐You’re looking well. ‐Thank you. Who are you?
[audience laughing]
Larry Appleton from the Chronicle. Remember?
[stammering] I interviewed you last month. Four columns? Nice picture.
We, we had lunch on your terrace.
Cold salmon, asparagus with dill sauce, and you showed me, uh, pictures
‐of, of little Malcolm and Cecily? ‐No.
Cousin Larry spilled gazpacho on your lap?
‐[gasps] Now I remember. ‐[audience laughing]
I’m terribly sorry, uh, did you get my flowers?
Yes, I gave them to the maid.
As I recall, you wrote a very nice article about my art collection.
‐Oh, well, thank you. ‐So, I suppose you’re here to do a follow‐up piece.
Are you interested in my Monet?
Yes, we’re here to get the Monet, get the Monet, get the Monet,
[audience laughing]
Uh... [clears throat]
Uh, this is, uh, my associate, Balki Bartokomous.
[nervous chuckle] Oh...
[audience laughing]
[Larry chuckling embarrassingly]
Y... You’ll, uh, you’ll have to excuse him.
He’s from a very small island with a defective gene pool.
[audience laughing]
Well, the real story is the portrait I’m having painted by Renaldo Ricardo.
Did you hear that, Balki? Renaldo Ricardo!
Renaldo Ricardo? I love him!
Why would he never let Lucy in his show?
[audience laughing]
And what was the basis of his friendship with Fred?
They had absolutely nothing in common.
‐[audience laughing] ‐Renaldo Ricardo is a world‐famous artist.
He’s painted all the members of the Royal Family.
And when he finishes with this one,
it will hang in the portrait gallery of the Chicago Art Institute.
‐What a beautiful painting! ‐[chuckles]
Oh, Cousin, this guy is really good!
You can’t even see any of the numbers.
[audience laughing]
[laughing embarrassingly]
[clears throat] Mrs. Dumont, uh, we are not here about the painting
We are here to sell you a miracle product.
‐I beg your pardon? ‐"Hello, busy homemaker.
We’re here to make your housecleaning chores a joy and a pleasure.
May we come in?
Get foot in door."
[audience laughing]
I’m telling L. Bob.
[audience laughing]
[both grunting]
[both] Hi.
Mrs. Dumont, we represent the Clean for Life Home Hygiene System.
We have over two hundred varieties of cleaners and spot and stain removers. Balki.
Hello, busy homemaker. We’re here to make your housecleaning chores a joy.
Give me the bottle. Give me the bottle.
‐Oh. ‐[nervous chuckle]
It’s as simple as shake and shine.
I’m sure with three hotels you use a lot of cleaning products.
Look, you’ll have to excuse me,
I don’t have time for any of this,
‐and please leave my house. ‐Wait, wait, wait.
‐You, you don’t want to buy anything? ‐No!
No! Did you hear that, Cousin? Oh, boy, this is great!
This no means yes stuff is really starting to make sense to me.
When do we get our money, get our money, get our money?
‐[audience laughing] ‐[grumbling]
[chuckling nervously]
Mrs. Dumont, uh, if you would just give a us a moment to show you some of our‐‐
[shouts]
The maid will clean it up! Don’t be here when I get back!
‐Let’s get outta here. ‐Cousin, no. We made this mess, we got to clean it up.
Balki, that’s a brilliant idea!
Well, Cousin, I, I can’t take all the credit.
You yourself said we were going to clean up in here.
[audience laughing]
No, Balki, I mean this is a golden opportunity to show Mrs. Dumont
exactly what the Clean For Life system is all about.
When she gets back, we’ll have this place spotless! Bring me the Omni‐Sweep.
I think this calls for Solvent Number Nine!
Balki, this will be as simple as shake and shine!
‐Cousin, just a second‐‐ ‐I don’t have time, I don’t have time for this.
‐Cousin, no, no, no, listen to me. ‐I met with L. Bob Frederick.
I read the book. I know what I’m doing.
Fine. ‐[audience laughing]
‐I suppose you were going to tell me to tighten the cap. ‐Yes.
[audience laughing]
But perhaps that wasn’t covered in the book.
[audience laughing]
Oh, God! I hope we didn’t hurt it.
Oh, now, now, Cousin, look, don’t fly off your love handles,
Cousin, the wall is fine. Lucky for us, the Ricardo painting was in the way.
[audience laughing]
All right, Balki, I hope we didn’t ruin the painting.
Just, just help me take this off.
[both sigh in relief]
That was close. All right, I’ll just clean up the carpet and then we’re outta here.
Boy, Mrs. Dumont must have had this little mole removed after the painting was done.
‐What mole? ‐Little mole right over here.
Balki, that’s not a mole! It’s a spot of cleaning fluid!
[hyperventilating] Oh, okay, all right! Don’t panic!
[audience laughing]
All right, all right, all right. Balki, okay, okay, okay. All right, all right.
I’ll just carefully remove the little speck of cleaning fluid.
[audience laughing]
Oh, God! I took off the end of her nose!
[panting]
Well, if you ask me, Cousin, it looks a whole lot better,
‐[audience laughing] ‐We gotta fix it!
[gasping]
[humming]
Cousin, Cousin, Cousin, Cousin. Articulate the cartilage.
[audience laughing]
Now, get, get in there with some highlights.
Some highlights. Uh, Some highlights.
And some, some, uh, some shadow, shadow.
[audience laughing]
‐What do you think? ‐It stinks.
All right, all right, here, here. I’ll just...
‐Ooh! ‐Oh... God!
I made it worse! [shouts] All right, what are we gonna do?
‐What are we gonna do? ‐Now listen to me.
‐What are we gonna do? ‐Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.
[audience laughing]
‐I can paint, right? ‐Yes, you can.
‐I can fix this, right? ‐Yes, you can.
‐I can save us, right? ‐Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
‐Can I read the book? ‐Okay, all right, all right, yes, yes, yes!
‐You can read the book! ‐Can you get me an autographed copy?
Just shut up and fix the painting!
[audience laughing]
All right, now first things first.
[audience exclaims in shock]
[audience laughing]
Now, what did she look like?
[audience laughing]
[screaming in shock]
All right, all right, all right. Now hold it. Just hold it.
Hand down, please. Hand down, please, and, uh,
give me a little smile. Give me a little smile.
Just hold that.
[audience laughing]
Hold that.
[audience clapping]
Did your Mama get the birthday present you sent her?
Yes, she did. She loved her Clean For Life products.
She has the cleanest mud hut on the island.
[audience laughing]
Well, we better get going. We don’t want to be late for Mrs. Dumont’s party.
‐Mmm. [chuckles] ‐She really was very understanding, wasn’t she?
Oh, yes, she was. I hope tonight’s party don’t go too late.
Look at the bright side, only another six more months of parking cars...
[audience laughing]
[audience clapping]
...and we’ll have paid off the carpet and the painting.
[closing theme music playing]