[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rain and thunder ♪
♪ Wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Cousin! Cousin!
Big news, I’ve just been given my first official duty
as an American citizen.
I’m going to be serving on the jury.
Well, isn’t that nice?
I’m so excited.
Well, Balki, you should be excited.
Jury duty is one of the most important things
an American citizen can do.
And it’s vital that, uh, every citizen do their share
in upholding the judicial system.
Well, Cousin, then you’ll be thrilled to know
that you’re going to be helping me hold it up.
Well, this is a summons for jury duty.
I’ve got more important things to do than this.
Well, wait a minute.
How can we be assigned to jury duty at the same time?
Well, I don’t like to blow my own horn, but, uh...
...toot‐toot.
You see, uh, I’ve been going down to the courthouse every day
and begging Dave the courthouse clerk
to put our names at the top of the jury duty list.
‐He can’t do that. ‐Well, that’s what he said.
But after I went down on my lunch hour
and my coffee break each and every day for a few weeks
Dave and I became best buds.
And finally he said to me, and I quote
"Listen to me, you swarthy little twit."
That, that’s his little nickname for me.
He said, "Okay, I’ll do it.
But you have to promise to never ever come to see me again."
See, he didn’t want others to know
that he did me a special favor.
So, uh, does it help to know the right people or what?
And I guess, I’m the lucky one who knows you.
Oh, go on with you.
You’re not lucky, Cousin. You deserve me.
‐Oh. ‐You know what? I got to go.
I got to go decide what I’m going to wear.
I need something that says
impartial yet firmly on the side of justice.
I’m thinking paisley.
Good news, Larry.
I just got back from the travel agent.
I got such a great deal on our trip to Bermuda
they’re practically paying us to go.
Well, Jen, that’s great!
Just you and me.
No Mary Anne. No Balki.
Oh, yeah.
No Balki.
Sunning by the pool. Breakfast in bed.
No Balki.
So, when do we leave?
The 17th.
Oh, perfect. Oh, no! Wait a minute.
Oh, no, I’ve got jury duty starting on‐on the 16th.
C‐can’t we put the trip off for a week?
No. Larry, the trip is prepaid. No refunds. No exchanges.
What are we going to do?
Okay, okay.
I‐I mean, maybe I’ll be assigned to an easy case
I’ll only have to be at court for a day.
This could still work out.
Oh, I hope so.
Larry, we have a room with a waterbed.
I think we could make some waves.
I’ll work it out.
[instrumental music]
Members of the jury, the defendant Bob Taylor
has been charged with the armed robbery
of Jerry’s Gas ’n Shop.
It is your duty to settle on a unanimous verdict.
You will now retire to the jury room for your deliberations.
Next case.
[instrumental music]
What we have here is an open and shut case.
I think we can just take a quick vote and we’re outta here.
Boy, Cousin, you‐you were born to be a foreman.
I could kick myself for not bringing my camera.
Okay.
"Guilty."
’"Guilty."’
"Guilty."
"Not guilty."
’"Guilty."’
"Not guilty."
"Guilty."
Okay.
Which three morons, no offense...
...voted not guilty?
Cousin, excuse me. Excuse me.
We, we just took a secret ballot.
A secret ballot...
...to decide a man’s future.
A man’s future.
Balki, shut up.
Shut up.
Alright, now.
Why don’t we recount the evidence for the three of you
who seemed to have dozed off during the trial?
Now, the defendant was apprehended
on the night of the robbery with Exhibit A.
This jacket.
Wow. What a piece of goods.
Let me see the lining on that.
This jacket was positively identified
by the attendant.
‐’Cousin. Cousin...’ ‐’Number two.’
‐Number two, we have‐‐ ‐Cousin, I...
‐What’s it, what is it? ‐Cousin.
What color were the assailant’s pants?
‐Doesn’t matter. Number two... ‐Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no‐no‐no.
I beg to quibble with you.
The defendant’s pants were brown. Okay?
Now, no one would wear brown pants with this jacket.
Number two.
The defendant was found with a gun in his pocket
the same type of gun used for the robbery.
Exhibit B.
And finally, we have Exhibit... No, no, no, put that down.
‐Put it down. ‐Hit the deck!
‐Okay, my finger is caught! ‐Let go! Let go
Stop squeezing! Stop squeezing! Just let my finger go!
‐Let my finger go. ‐There.
People, people!
It’s not loaded.
Alright!
And finally, we have...
...exhibit C.
The court record stating that $214
was found in the defendant’s coat pocket.
The same exact amount of money stolen.
Coincidence, you say? I think not.
What we have here is enough evidence...
‐Cousin, cousin, no, no! ‐For is enough evidence...
No, no, Cousin, Cousin, I have a comment I have a comment.
Now, now, now, this is interesting.
‐Bob testified‐‐ ‐Who is Bob?
"Who is Bob?"
Who is... No, thank you very much.
I want him to answer.
Bob Taylor, Cousin. The defendant?
Now, we are deciding where Bob is going to spend
his next five to nine birthdays.
And you cannot even remember his name?
Oh, right. Guilty Bob.
Cousin, he is Innocent Bob
until he is proven Guilty Bob.
Now, Bob testified that he was standing on the street corner
and all of a sudden another man come running along
and throw that jacket at him.
‐Now, I think that this is‐‐ ‐Don’t think, okay?
Cousin. Cousin, let me finish my thought.
Let me finish my thought.
’Cousin, I just want you to... I am here...’
You’re embarrassing me in front of the other jurors.
Now...
Facts are facts, people.
And it is our job to look at the facts
and then, using our objective minds.
Vote...to send this scum bum, pig filth up the river.
Okay, let’s vote.
Alright, pass them down here.
"Guilty."
Much better, people.
"Guilty."
"I’m sorry, cousin, I just couldn’t do it."
[instrumental music]
Well, this is just great!
Thanks to you we have to go back
to the courthouse tomorrow morning!
Excuse me, cousin.
But I’m the one who ought to be upset
and I am upset.
Because I’m pretty sure that even as foreman
you had no right to try to make me change my vote
by forcing me to stand in a corner.
Hi, Larry, have you finished packing?
No, I haven’t.
Jen, there’s been a small hitch.
I’m not finished with jury duty.
But‐but don’t worry. I’ll be finished early tomorrow morning.
Maybe if you finish packing your stuff you can pack mine.
Oh, well, Larry, I finished packing.
All I’m taking, is this.
[moaning]
Of course, I don’t know how much I’ll be wearing this.
Mm, mm...
[panting]
Balki, I’d like to apologize
for being so hard on you
earlier this afternoon.
I’m calmer now.
You know, I‐I think this might be a good time
for me to hear
your interpretation of the facts.
And‐and then I can tell you exactly where you’re mistaken.
If you’re mistaken.
Listen, I am not mistaken.
I happen to have very good reasons for voting not guilty.
And I would love to hear them.
No, you wouldn’t.
Yes, I would.
‐No, you wouldn’t. ‐Yes, I would.
‐No, you wouldn’t. ‐Yes, I would!
Tell me. Tell me.
Okay, Cousin.
Aside from the glaringly obvious fact
that the plaid jacket don’t belong
in the defendant’s wardrobe
I noticed...
...that over a five minute period
the defendant blinked his eyes
...twenty‐seven times.
I also noticed
he crossed his hands right over left.
Now...
If that don’t say innocent
I don’t know what does.
Okay.
Let’s see.
Eye blinking...
‐Twenty‐seven times! ‐Mm‐hm.
‐Hands crossed right over left. ‐Right over left.
And the aforementioned wardrobe inconsistency.
"Wardrobe inconsistency."
Are you out of your mind?
Those are the stupidest observations I have ever heard!
Balki, this is America!
And in America
we use the facts.
And you, as an American citizen
must use the facts.
Cousin, I listened to the facts!
And I want you to know
that all of the evidence was circumcisional.
Alright, alright, alright.
Alright, Balki, I am going to show you
exactly what happened.
We are going to re‐enact the crime.
Oh! We’re going to act!
Okay.
Alright, now, I will be the gas station attendant.
‐You be the robber. ‐No, I’m not gonna be‐‐
‐You be the robber‐‐ ‐I’m not gonna be the robber.
I’m not gonna be some scum‐bug
pig‐breath robber whose name wasn’t even Bob.
‐Fine, you be the attendant. ‐I can’t be the attendant.
My shirt is too clean.
Y‐y‐you, you just started your shift.
‐Okay, I could make that work. ‐Uh...
Okay, alright, now
when I, as the robber, come in
you, as the attendant, are behind the counter.
‐Okay, now, I come in‐‐ ‐Cousin, Cousin...
‐No, wait, wait, wait... ‐I come in, I got the‐‐
‐If I’m the attendant‐‐ ‐What, what, what?
Then this, you have to move more that way
because this is not really, the counter right here.
You know, this is the peanut display right here
And right over here is the beef jerky.
‐And I just‐‐ ‐Balki, you know something?
I don’t care about your beef jerky
or your peanut display!
All I care about is going to Bermuda.
I mean upholding justice!
Excuse me?
Going to Bermuda?
Well, who wouldn’t want to go to Bermuda?
But that is not the point.
Okay, now, you’re the attendant
we’re over here, your beef jerky is here.
‐You’ve got your‐‐ ‐Listen to me.
Cut the babasticki!
You want me to vote guilty
and send an innocent man to rot away in prison
so that you can go to Bermuda with Jennifer?
That’s not it at all!
‐Then what is it? ‐Okay, that’s it!
But, y‐y‐you, you don’t understand!
Don’t you understand that the‐the tickets are prepaid‐‐
Cousin...
‐And‐and Jennifer‐‐ ‐Cousin...
All she’s bringing is this, this little‐‐
‐Cousin... ‐This tiny thing just blow...
And I was, you know, thinking maybe we could...
[panting]
You know what, you’re not the only one who had plans.
Today is the last day that the carnival is in town
and I was planning to go down and see how many times
I could ride the Tilt‐O‐Whirl before I got sick
and now that dream is shattered!
[instrumental music]
(Balki) ’He blinked 27 times.’
’Okay?’
Twenty‐seven times!
No plane, no Bermuda...
...no bikini.
You know, I’m gettin’ just a little
sick and tired of you, Captain Garlic.
Why don’t we try a little physical persuasion
to help him come to the right decision?
All I am trying to do is to prevent you
all of you, from making a horrible mistake.
And just for your information a clove of raw garlic
each day will ward off heart attack.
[deep sighing]
Alright, all those in favor
of pulverizing this guy, say "Aye!"
(jury) Aye!
‐I’m gonna enjoy this... ‐Let’s get him.
Cousin. Cousin.
[indistinct chatter]
Cousin, Cousin‐‐
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Stop getting... Hey, hey, hey!
Cut it out!
What you are doing is wrong!
You’re condemning a‐a man for having the guts
to stand up for what he believes in
no matter how stupid it is.
So, so‐so what if we’re inconvenienced
for a couple of days?
Missing our vacations...
...locked away from our wives.
and their‐their, their teeny tiny little bikinis.
Let’s get him! Come on!
Alright, no, no!
Wait! Wait!
Stand back. Get back!
Whose side are you on, anyway?
Now listen, Cousin, let‐let‐let me just try
try talking to them for a second.
I‐I‐I have a way with angry mobs.
Fellow jurors, please.
You are acting exactly like a flock of sheep
before the winter shearing.
You’re, you’re jumpy
itchy, chafed.
Let’s hurt him! Come on...
No!
[all groaning]
[indistinct chatter]
Alright, just hold your breath and he’s ours!
[deep gasping]
[indistinct yelling]
Excuse me!
Hello, heh...
...just having a little discussion.
Yeah, well, there’s nothing more to discuss
they caught the real thief
and he confessed and the judge dropped
all the charges against Mr. Taylor.
Anyway, you people are free to go.
Well, let’s get outta here.
‐Let’s go. ‐Okay.
Let’s get out of here.
Look, pal, I’m...
...I’m sorry, uh...
‐No offense, huh? ‐Hey, you were venting.
Well... Balki
I’m sorry you had to see
the ugly side of jury duty .
I’m sure our being attacked by a mob of angry jurors
wasn’t exactly the experience you were looking for.
No, uh, it wasn’t, but, uh...
...the good news is that an innocent man
is going home and a guilty man is going to jail.
And it’s‐it’s nice to know
that one small garlicky voice
can make a difference.
I’m just sorry I had to miss my plane
to Bermuda to learn that.
Oh, you can still make it to Bermuda.
See, according to airline policy
when serving jury duty, a note from the court
is an exception to restricted air travel.
I’ll get you one.
W‐w‐well, thank you.
Well, this is great!
Cousin, this worked out swell for everybody
Justice was served and you get to go
to Bermuda with Jennifer and...
...that means that, uh, Mary Anne and I
will have the...house to ourselves, uh...
You know what that means, don’t you?
Huh?
[laughter]
‐Giant jigsaw puzzles? ‐You know me so well.
[theme music]