[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Cousin, there’s something I think you should know.
Balki, if you’re gonna tell me
that the toaster’s broken, don’t bother.
The toaster’s broken?
No wonder why my Pop‐Tart never popped up.
U‐um, I’ve also got a, a fork in there. Yes.
Um, the thing that I wanted to tell you is...
Look, uh, Jennifer is knitting something for you
and, um, ordinarily I would never want to spoil the surprise
but I think if you just take a look‐‐
Okay. It’s okay, Balki, it’s okay.
She’s probably knitting me a sweater.
She’s always knitting me sweaters.
Except for the time she knitted me a car cover.
Cousin, she’s, she’s not knitting you
a car cover or a sweater.
She’s knitting you these.
And, and usually I, I wouldn’t
even dream of spoiling the surprise
but I just wanted you to see them.
I, I wanted you to see them so that when she gives them to you
and you see that they’re ...way too small, you...
...you, you won’t say...
‐"Oh, my Lord!" ‐"Oh, my Lord!"
...and hurt her feelings.
Balki, d‐do you have any idea what this means?
Well, of course I do. Don’t be ridiculous.
It means Jennifer has grossly misjudged your foot size.
I think they’ll stretch if we just...dip them in something.
Some kind of saline solution or something.
No, Balki, d‐don’t you get it?
Jennifer’s gonna have a ba‐aa...
Jennifer is going to have a sheep?
In the entire history of Mypos, that only happened once.
No, Balki, Jennifer is not gonna have a sheep.
She’s gonna have a...baby.
A baby what?
A baby Appleton.
Cousin! Cousin!
Oh, my goodness.
When did Jennifer tell you?
W‐well, she hasn’t told me y‐yet.
She, she obviously wants it to be a surprise.
That’s why she’s knitting booties.
That’s why she’s knitting booties?
It’s what women do to prepare for a baby.
Well, that’s, that’s kind of odd.
On Mypos, when a woman is expecting a child
all she has to do is dig a deeper well
buy a bigger laundry basket and pre‐chew a lot of meat.
They’re blue.
That, that means it’s a boy.
Well, I, I can handle that.
I, I used to be a little boy.
I‐I’ll just do everything my father did.
I‐I’ll, I’ll be my son’s pal.
We‐we’ll communicate.
If he does something wrong, I’ll just point it out to him.
And, and when, when he builds that, that little car
for, for the Soap Box Derby
I’ll just tell him that it’s not good enough.
And I’ll be sure to tell him in front of all his friends.
Oh, Balki, who am I kidding?
I’m gonna destroy my son.
Cousin, cousin, cousin, come on.
I think you’re overestimating your influence.
Now...
...you’ll learn how to be a father.
Look, uh, in the beginning anyway all you have to do
is just let him be a baby, have fun, eat with his hands.
That’s just like you.
Everything is fun and games and enjoying life.
Well, that’s just not how it works.
And someday you’ll have a son of your own
and you’ll see just how hard it is.
Maybe I will have a son.
Cousin, I’ll teach him everything my father taught me.
I’ll teach him how to shear a sheep.
I’ll teach him how to milk a goat.
I’ll teach him how to outrun lava.
Cousin, wouldn’t it be great if, if our little boys
were best buds just like we are?
[instrumental music]
Sweet dreams, little Larry.
Have a nice nap and after dinner
I’ll teach you how to balance a checkbook.
Snoozi snoozi, Baby Balki.
Sleep on your face and drool.
After your nap, we’ll take you to Disneyland.
Now, why would you promise them that?
We have no intention of taking them to Disneyland.
I know, I’m just hoping you’ll take me.
[instrumental music]
"Balance a checkbook." That’s why I love my dad.
He’s practical. That’s a skill I can use.
What can you learn going to Disneyland?
That it’s, it’s a small world after all?
And how to have fun?
You know, that’s just your problem.
You think, uh, the world is, is about fun and games.
Well, that’s just not how it works.
W‐wowww!
That was more fun than bouncing that golf ball off your head.
I want to play with my Bookie cat!
[instrumental music]
[grunts]
I want, I want my Book... I want my Bookie cat.
I want to play with Bookie cat.
No, I want my Bookie.
I, I want to play, I want...
Uh...
You can’t!
I want to play with... Bookie cat’s mine.
‐I want to play with Bookie‐‐ ‐Ow!
‐Ow!
Okay, fine. You play with Bookie cat.
But if you do, his collar bell will ring
and then our dads will know that we’re not taking a nap
and we’ll be sent to an orphanage.
An orphanage?
Yeah, and we’ll have to eat crumbs
and sleep on thumbtacks.
I don’t want to sleep on thumbtacks.
Well, you’ll have to sleep on thumbtacks
if you play with Bookie cat.
I don’t, I don’t want to sleep on thumbtacks.
Well, you’ll have to sleep on thumbtacks
if you play with Bookie cat.
I, I don’t want to play with Bookie cat.
I think you should play with Bookie cat.
I don’t want to play with Bookie cat.
I think you should play with Bookie cat!
I don’t want to play with Bookie cat.
Please! Please!
Don’t make me play with Bookie cat!
‐Okay. ‐Okay.
‐I’ll play with Bookie cat. ‐Okay.
[imitating Bookie cat] Meow! Meow!
Me‐eow!
[screaming]
Let’s get out of this crib and have some real fun.
[instrumental music]
But, cousin, where, where are you going?
There are all these toys in the crib
that we haven’t played with.
[imitating Baby Balki] There’s all these toys in the crib
that we haven’t played with.
Ow!
You know something? You get on my nerves.
I’m gonna go ride my rocking horse.
I have two thumbs!
Mmm. Mmm. Dessert!
Mmm.
Stop acting like a baby.
I am not a baby.
I’m just a terrible two.
I wish I was three.
They say life begins at three.
I’m out of the crib!
Boy, oh, boy
it sure is fun being out of the crib!
[groans]
[laughs]
I want to be out of the crib.
You can’t be out of the crib.
Yes, I can, and I’m beginning to doubt that orphanage story.
[music continues]
(Balki) Where, where’s the rocker?
It’s over here.
‐Where’s the rocker? ‐Over here.
Come on, jump! I’ll catch you.
Uh, uh, please, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Come on, I’m your cousin. Trust me, I’ll catch you.
‐No. ‐Come on! Come on.
Come on, come on. Here we go.
‐Ready? Ready? ‐Okay.
One, two, three!
Oh!
Let that be a lesson to you.
Never trust anyone over two.
[crying]
No, no! Don’t, don’t cry, or our fathers will hear us.
Hey, you know, if you don’t stop crying
Mr. Cuddly Bunny’s gonna beat the living daylights outta ya!
[instrumental music]
Ahh‐haa!
[Baby Larry grunting]
Ow‐ow. Oww...
[both crying]
‐I’m bored. ‐Yeah, me, too.
I wish I lived on a ranch.
I wish I had a, a plane and could go all over the world.
I wish I could get my foot in my mouth.
That way I’d always know where my shoes are.
You know...that’s your trouble.
You think small.
I am small.
Although, genetically, I, I have a, a good chance
of being taller than you.
[crying]
What I mean is...
...you are perfectly content to nap your life away
while there’s other kids outside having fun.
I’m going outside to the backyard
to play on the swings. Wanna come with me?
Well, I want to come with you
but, but the swings are way out there
and‐and we’re, we’re stuck in here.
How will we get out there?
‐Don’t worry. I have... ‐Oh, God.
...a plan.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Balki.
You hold the blocks steady
and I’ll climb up to the window sill.
Hello, Mr. Bear.
Do you want, do you, do you want to play in the backyard?
Balki? Are, are you holding the blocks st‐steady?
Just a minute, cousin, I’m talking to Mr. Bear.
You‐you’re what? You’re talking to Mr. Bear?
Oh!
’Nose, nose.’
Eyes, eyes.
Mouth, mouth.
Ear, ear.
‐What did I ask you to do? ‐Hold the blocks.
‐What did you do? ‐Talked to Mr. Bear.
What happened?
Cousin Larry fall down, go boom.
What should you say to me?
Do it again.
[instrumental music]
Oh. Oh...
Oh.
[screaming]
[gasps]
You know, I just never get used to that thing!
Will you concentrate for a minute?
We have to find a way out the window.
Let’s play patty cake.
No, I don’t want to play "Patty Cake."
Well, I can’t say I blame you.
I mean, "Patty Cake."
What is that anyway?
And, and who is this "Baker’s man?"
And why does he have to make me a cake as fast as he can?
Where’s the quality in that?
‐And when he‐‐ ‐The seesaw.
Perfect!
Oh, cousin...
Oh, I always wanted to play on the seesaw.
How, how does it work?
All the fun’s on your side.
Stand up.
‐I don’t see‐‐ ‐No, don’t, don’t, don’t!
Oh!
[crying]
Mmm.
We are not going to play on the seesaw.
You are gonna sit on that end
I am gonna climb up on the blocks
and jump on the high end, you’ll sail through the air
land on the window sill and you can climb out.
Uh‐oh.
You don’t like the plan.
No, I, I didn’t say that.
I see it all over your face. You don’t like the plan.
Well, it’s, it’s just that I, I’m still recovering
from that jack‐in‐the‐box thing.
I mean...look at that thing.
It’s hideous!
A‐a disembodied head and a pair of arms
and, uh, just a spring for a body?
How does it digest its food?
And then, then this.
I, I don’t know... Flying through the air?
I, I might have done that
before but now that I know I have two thumbs
I’ve got too much to live for.
Alright. Alright.
We’ll just have to think of something else.
I know! We can take the crib and push it over to the window
and climb up on that.
Naw, that’ll never work. I’ve got it!
We can take the crib, push it
over to the window and we can climb up on that.
You know, when you say it
it don’t sound like such a good idea.
Oh, really? Oh, really... Let me ask you something.
How many nurseries have you escaped from?
‐Oh, come on! ‐Hmm? How many? How many?
‐How many nurseries... ‐Cousin, cousin, cousin‐‐
How many nurseries have you escaped from?
You know, this argument is a lot like diaper rash.
I’ve had it before and I know I’m gonna have it again.
Come on, just pull on the crib.
[instrumental music]
Here we go. On three.
Ready? One, two, three.
[grunts] Alright, one more time. On three. Here we go.
Ready? One, two, three.
[grunting]
Alright, here we go. One more time, on three.
Ready? One, two, three.
Pull!
Ow!
[crying]
Cousin, you know, I was thinking‐‐
‐No, I do the thinking. ‐Cousin, if... Cousin...
I do the thinking.
I, I, I. Me! Me! Me!
You know, it’s babies like you
that give us two‐year‐olds a bad name.
Alright, one more time, on three.
This time we push.
Ready? One, two, three...
[grunts]
You know, Balki, we’re lucky to have such quiet
well‐behaved children.
Yeah, right.
Are you sure we can’t go to Disneyland?
‐No. ‐Oh.
[crashing sound]
‐Hi. ‐Hi.
Oh, God.
Balki, our, our children are gonna be jus‐just like us.
I, I, I’m not ready to have a child.
I, I couldn’t even take care of my pet goldfish.
I, I overfed him and he died.
Winston’s dead?
You told me he went to a petting zoo.
Hi, guys.
Larry, I have some very exciting news.
[gasping]
Don’t worry, Jennifer, Cousin Larry will be okay
once the baby arrives.
Baby? How did Larry know my Cousin Lucille is having a baby?
Your Cousin Lucille is having a baby?
Yes, Larry, she’s due in the spring.
You’re not having a baby?
No. No!
Larry, if I were you’d be the second one to know.
Wonder who she’s planning on telling first?
[instrumental music]
Larry, are you disappointed
the baby is my cousin’s and not ours?
Oh, no, no. Not at all.
Well, well, maybe a‐a‐a little.
You know, b‐but, Jen, I promise...
When the time comes, I’m gonna learn
everything there is to know about fatherhood.
Oh, Larry, you’ll make a wonderful father.
But aren’t you forgetting one very important step
towards becoming a father?
Oh! Oh!
Oh, oh! Ooh! Oh!
Mmm, mm‐mmm.
Oh, oh.
[glass shattering]
[theme music]
[music continues]