[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
(Larry) ’We’re almost there, Balki.’
’Las Vegas, the city where fun never stops.’
(Balki) ’More to the point, the city that’s the home of’
’Wayne Newton.’
[tires screeching]
[upbeat music]
The luggage should be up in a minute.
When Balki won this "All expense paid" trip to Las Vegas
did the "All expenses paid" include, uh
tips for the bellman?
I don’t think so, Larry.
Anybody got change for a dollar?
Hi, Balki.
If anybody needs me, I...
I’ll be in my room until we go home.
Oh, Balki...what’s the matter?
The person on line in front of me
got the last two tickets to Wayne Newton’s Show.
[sobbing]
Well, Balki, we can have fun
without going to the Wayne Newton Show.
Fun without Wayne?
Cousin, there can be no fun...
...without...
...Wayne.
Well, I think I‐I know a way we might get tickets.
Really?
Well, I have a friend who lives here in Las Vegas.
And he said, any time I’m here
if I need tickets to anything, just give him a call.
Oh, you mean Clint?
Clint?
An old boyfriend of Jennifer’s
who’s always calling and telling her to dump the troll.
[giggles]
Well, um. I’ll just go make the call.
Cousin.
Why you didn’t tell me we have a troll?
Where do you keep him?
No, oh, oh, oh‐oh, oh, oh! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Oh, oh.
What, what are we talking about?
Oh! What was I thinking?
Well, what do you know?
We’re talking about tickets!
Oh, I can get us tickets.
‐You can? ‐Oh, sure, sure.
I’m a‐a reporter with a major metropolitan newspaper.
All I have to do is pick up the phone
tell ’em who I am, what I want and bingo, tickets to Wayne!
Larry, are you sure you’re not doing this
because you’re jealous of Clint?
‐Clint who? ‐Clint...
The man who knows that you have a troll.
Cousin, where do you keep him?
Forget Clint.
‐Where did you get him? ‐Believe me, Jennifer‐‐
W‐what does he look like?
The tickets are as good as in my pocket.
What do you feed him?
Troll chow.
[instrumental music]
Yeah, h‐hello, uh, this is Larry Appleton.
I’m a reporter with the Chicago Chronicle.
Yeah, I’m considering doing a profile piece on Wayne Newton.
Uh, I think it would be a big boost for Wayne’s career.
So, if you could leave, uh
four tickets at the front desk
uh, well I could pick them up, uh...now.
Uh‐huh.
Uh‐ha.
Well, I... Yes, yes, but I...
No, no, no‐no, see...
You don’t understand.
No, you see, because I need these tickets.
I really need the tickets.
If‐if I don’t get these tickets
my wife is gonna leave me for some tall guy named Clint!
Hello? Hello?
Cousin, cousin, come on!
We’re waiting for you down in the lobby.
We want to get to the Liberace Museum early.
You know, uh, Balki...
Uh, I’ve been thinking about this, uh, Wayne Newton thing.
And I‐I think you’re expectations
of Wayne are, are too big.
So, what do you say we, uh...
...skip the show and go out to Hoover Dam?
I hear it’s beautiful at night.
You’re hiding something from me, aren’t you?
No, no, I’m not!
Your nostrils are flaring.
No, they’re not.
‐You’re eyes are twitching. ‐No, they’re not.
[feet pattering]
‐Your foot is tapping. ‐No, it’s not.
And you’re trying to cover it all up.
No, I’m not.
Cousin, you couldn’t get the tickets, could you?
Well, it depends on what you mean by "Couldn’t."
[Balki sobbing]
Hurry up, Larry, they turn off Liberace’s cufflink fountain
a half hour before closing.
Balki, what’s wrong?
You couldn’t get the tickets, could you?
I better call Clint.
‐Yes, please, call Clint. ‐Oh, no, no‐no.
Hey, hey, hold on now, hey‐hey!
Please, call Clint.
Who said that I‐I couldn’t get the tickets?
[chuckling] Come on, come on!
In fact, they wanted to give me more than I asked for
‐Cousin, are you sure? ‐Well, of course, I’m sure.
‐Would I lie? ‐Yes.
Alright, yes, I would.
[Balki sobbing]
But this time, I didn’t.
‐Really? Really? ‐Yes! Yes!
Alright, now, now, what do you say the‐the three of you
just go down, just grab a cab
and‐and I’ll just, I’ll get changed and meet you out front?
Be careful walking through the lobby, Larry.
The bellmen hate you.
Mary Anne
come on, I‐I want to show you to my special lucky machine.
I win every time!
You don’t even have to put in coins.
You just put in your credit card and it pays you money.
[gasps]
[indistinct]
[chuckles]
Yeah... Yes, hello, this is Larry Appleton again.
Uh, did you change your mind, uh, about those tickets?
Okay, alright, alright.
I‐I didn’t want to tell you this before
but you’ve‐you’ve left me no choice.
You see, the, the tickets are for my cousin.
And, uh, and well, well, he, well, he’s going deaf.
And, uh, his, his only wish...
...was to hear Wayne Newton sing in person
before he lost his hearing.
[sobbing] And, I‐I brought him to Las Vegas to...
...to fulfill a lifelong dream.
[sobbing]
Now, is that asking for so much?
Four will be great, thank you. I’ll be right down.
Hey, hey!
[instrumental music]
♪ You know when that shark bites ♪
♪ With his teeth baby ♪
♪ Scarlet billows start to spread ♪
♪ Fancy gloves oh wears old MacHeath babe ♪
♪ So there’s never never a trace of red ♪
Come on!
♪ Now on the sidewalk huh huh ♪
♪ Down by the river don’t you know? ♪
♪ Lies a body ♪
♪ Oozin’ life eek ♪
♪ Someone’s sneakin’ ♪
♪ Around the corner ♪
♪ Could that someone be Oh Mack the Knife? ♪
It was more wonderful than I dreamed it would be!
Cousin, I clapped so hard...
...I think I dislocated my palms.
Well, I gotta admit, he put on a heck of a show.
[knocking on door]
‐Hi, uh, Mr. Appleton? ‐Yes, that’s me.
How do you do? I’m Dave Miner.
I’m an assistant to Wayne Newton.
Oh! Oh! Very nice to meet you.
‐Yes. ‐Uh, this is my cousin.
Balki Bartokomous.
[chuckles]
You, you...
You know Wayne?
Yes, I do. Now, Mr. Newton would like to‐‐
Is it, is it the kind of thing where, where he might even say
"Hey, Dave, let’s you and me go grab a Grand Slam at Denny’s?"
Well, I’m not exactly sure.
Have you, have you ever, have you ever...
...hugged Wayne?
Well, yes, in a, in a, you know, a manly, buddy sort of way.
I just hugged someone who has, who has hugged Wayne?
I hugged someone who has hugged Wayne!
Balki, uh, why don’t we let Dave tell us what Wayne wants?
‐Now, Wayne‐‐ ‐You call him "Wayne?"
Yeah!
Wayne would, uh, would like to invite you and your Cousin Balki
to a little reception he’s having in his suite right now.
He’s, uh, very anxious to meet this special person.
Oh, w‐well, that’s, uh, a really a very wonderful offer and, uh
we’d like you to thank Mr. Newton for us.
Uh, but we can’t make it.
What are you talking about?
‐We’ll be there. ‐No, we won’t.
What are you talking about? We won’t be there?
We’re going! Are you out of your mind?
Are you?
Would you excuse us for just a moment?
Sure!
Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.
You are not thinking this through.
What are you thinking of?
What are you talking about?
What could possibly possess you
to try to crush the biggest dream of my life?
Balki, you know, you know.
Sometimes it is better to worship from afar.
Fine! You do that! I’m gonna worship from a‐close!
Come on! Come on! Come on! Let’s go!
Alright, alright, alright. Alright, we’ll go.
Great! Follow me.
Ah, oh, cousin
I am the happiest Mypiot dead or alive!
Aw!
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Cousin, cousin, look!
This is the couch where Wayne sits!
Cousin, look! Look!
This is the piano where Wayne tinkles on the ivories.
Red roses! Red Roses!
You must be the Blue Lady.
Cheer up, they’re for you.
[grunting]
Alright, that’s it!
You are over‐excited.
‐Cousin, cousin! ‐We’re outta here.
I‐I saw him. He look at me!
But, I‐I was just a little overwhelmed but I’m fine now.
‐Oh, you are. ‐I’m fine now, I’m okay.
Alright, how many fingers am I holding up?
Ah, gentlemen, Wayne would like to meet you now.
Oh, alright, yeah...
[indistinct chatter]
Wayne, these are the gentlemen I told you about.
This is Larry Appleton.
‐Nice to meet you, Larry. ‐Very nice to meet you.
And this is Balki Bartokomous.
He skipped lunch.
[grunting]
Thank you.
Balki, it’s so nice to meet you.
You’re such an incredible young man.
Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!
Wayne, t‐the photographer’s ready.
‐Oh, oh‐oh! ‐I’ll be right back, Balki.
Honest! I’m coming, I’m coming right back.
Daddy, don’t you walk so fast.
Alright!
Cousin! Cousin! Cousin! Isn’t he wonderful?
Isn’t he terrific?
Why is he yelling at me?
Uh, why, why is Wayne yelling at you?
‐Why is Wayne yelling at you? ‐Yeah.
Well, well, well, uh, you know.
Uh, probably, uh, you know, singing
in front of a large orchestra
all those years has, uh, just made him a little...
...hard of, uh, hearing.
Yeah.
That’s it.
Poor man.
Balki, I’m so sorry that we were interrupted here!
Wayne! I’ve waited all my life to meet you.
I, I have been a fan of yours since
I was knee‐high to a yak pup.
And my mother was practically raised on your music!
To me there is no other singer!
Thank you, Balki! It’s fans like you that make it all worthwhile!
Oh, go on with you!
‐No, I’m serious. ‐Oh, go on with you!
‐Oh, I’m telling you the truth. ‐Oh, come...
Balki, I just want you to know how honored I am
that you chose my show
to be the last show that you hear
before you lose your hearing.
What?
I want you to know how honored I am
that you chose my show
to be the last show that you hear
before you lose your hearing!
What?
It’s going fast.
I’m glad he caught the early show.
You’re a very brave young man.
‐He’s blessed to have you. ‐Uh, yes, he is.
[indistinct chatter]
What have you done?
I told Wayne you were going deaf.
Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
Balki...
...I wanted to tell you sooner.
[sobbing]
Alright, alright, alright, no!
No, no, Balki.
Balki, you’re not going deaf.
‐What? ‐You’re not going deaf.
‐What? ‐I made it up.
Just, I‐I, that’s what I told Wayne’s people
so that I could get tickets to the show.
[indistinct chatter]
You, you lied to Wayne?
Is nothing sacred to you?
Balki, you feel great ’cause you got to meet Wayne.
Wayne feels great ’cause he helped you.
There’s no harm done.
No harm done?
Cousin, you, you took the, the most...
...thrilling moment of my life and you tarnished it with a lie.
[indistinct chatter]
Could I please have your attention?
We have someone very special here tonight.
We have someone very special here tonight...
...that I would like you all to meet.
It isn’t very often in my lifetime
that I’ve seen this kind of courage.
Would you please give a big round of applause‐‐
Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I‐I can’t let you go through with this.
The, the man you’re about to introduce
is not what he appears to be.
And, and it’s not his fault, it’s mine.
I made the whole thing up so he could get tickets to the show.
And I‐I’ve ruined this entire evening
for someone who, who means a lot to me.
And, I’m, I’m sorry.
You should be ashamed of yourself
for impersonating a war hero.
Escort him out!
Alright, not him! Not him!
I‐I‐I lied about
Balki’s hearing problem.
Oh, though I can’t vouch for the old guy.
Balki, I‐I am, I am so sorry.
Can you... Can you ever forgive me?
Yes, cousin, I can forgive you but I just don’t wanna be seen
talking to you right now.
[dramatic music]
(Larry) ’Balki, I am so sorry about last night.’
I mean, your, your whole life you’ve dreamed of meeting Wayne
and, and I ruined it.
No, you didn’t ruin it. Cousin, Come on.
It really, I met him. It was wonderful, wonderful.
Hi, guys!
[giggles]
I’ll get him.
He skipped breakfast.
[grunting]
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne Newton is, is standing in the room with me.
I‐I guess you...
...came up here to throw us out.
Well, of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.
Actually, I was thinking, and it finally dawned on me...
...that you’re the Balki that’s been writing me every week
for the last fifteen years, aren’t you?
‐Yes! ‐How’s mama?
Oh, she’s great! She’s great!
Do you remember, I wrote to you and I told you
that she was going back to school?
‐Yes! ‐Well, she aced her midterms.
And she made the cheerleading squad.
‐Get out of the city! ‐Yes, it’s true!
[laughing]
And you’re Cousin Larry, huh?
Well, I must admit that you’ve lived up to everything
that Balki’s written about you.
Well, thank you, Wayne.
‐May I call you "Wayne?" ‐No.
I‐I understand.
[chuckles] Lighten up, Larry. I was just kiddin’.
He does get tensed, doesn’t he?
Oh, yeah, he’s quite, quite tense.
Actually the reason I came here
was to invite you guys back to the show
as my guests tonight.
’Cause I wanna do a very special song for you, Balki.
You...w‐want to do a song for me?
Yes.
What song is it?
I can’t tell you, it’s a surprise.
‐Oh, please tell me. ‐It’s a surprise.
‐Is it "CC Rider?" ‐You’ll hear tonight.
‐"Hungry years?" ‐It’s a surprise!
‐"Moon River?" ‐"Andy Williams."
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
[mumbling]
Will you please tell me what it is?
Please, I‐I can’t wait! I can’t stand it!
I’m gonna explode if you don’t tell me what it is!
Okay, "Danke Schoen."
[gasping]
Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
The ring. The ring. The ring.
You know, I just had the most beautiful dream
that‐that, that you say that you were going to
to sing "Danke Schoen" for me.
I am.
Oh!
Oh, oh!
’Oh! Oh!’
Listen, Wayne, I‐I’m sorry about all the...
...lying.
Ah, don’t worry about it, Larry.
I was thinking about it
and I was really kind of touched
that you went through all that trouble
to get tickets to the show.
See you later, huh?
Oh, oh!
Oh‐oh‐oh!
Oh‐oh!
Oh!
Wayne, Wayne!
[instrumental music]
Ready? Okay.
♪ Danke Schoen ♪
♪ Darling Danke Schoen ♪
♪ Danke Schoen ♪
♪ Thank you for all the joy and pain ♪
♪ Joy and pain ♪
♪ I recall Central Park in fall ♪
♪ How you tore you dress what a mess ♪
♪ My heart says Danke Schoen ♪
♪ Danke Schoen ♪ ♪ Danke Schoen ♪
♪ Auf Wiedersehen ♪ ♪ Auf Wiedersehen ♪
♪ Worth the sayin’ ♪
[laughing]