[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rain and thunder ♪
♪ Wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Well, this is the biggest joke in the world.
What is?
Wainwright has got some psychiatrist
doing a stress evaluation with the printers.
[laughing]
That is the biggest joke in the world.
I‐I, I, I love it. I’m just not quite clear on the punchline.
What I’m trying to tell you is that Wainwright
volunteered to help some doctor
who’s doing a stress test with the printers.
The printers aren’t under any stress at all!
[laughing]
Appleton, Bartokomous
I’m gonna need your Dimitri cartoon one day early this week.
We’re trying a new format on the Sunday paper.
Well, you can count on us, sir.
And may I compliment you on your selection
of the printers for the stress evaluation?
They’re under a lot of pressure down there.
[laughing]
Of course, it doesn’t come anywhere near
the level of stress we have up here in the nerve center.
[laughing]
He’s killing me.
Well, I guess we’ve become somewhat, uh
experts at, uh, managing stress.
Appleton, you’ve given me an excellent idea.
Well, just part of my job, sir.
And, uh, what idea would that be, sir?
The idea is to forget the printers.
I’m gonna send the doctor up here
to the nerve center to talk with the experts.
‐What have I done? ‐I have no idea.
But you were on a roll, buddy.
I think, I just got everybody
in the City Room volunteered for a stress test.
‐That could be fun. ‐No, it’s not gonna be fun.
Balki, there’s gonna be some psychiatrist up here
trying to find out everything we’re thinking.
Well, uh, that might be possible with you, cousin
but I don’t think he can do that to me.
Most of the time, I don’t know what I’m thinking.
I mean, sometimes I think I know what I’m thinking
and then I start to try to think about what I’m thinking
and just when I think the thought that I think
I’m thinking... the thought is gone.
What are we talking about?
We, uh, a, wait.
We’re talking about the psychiatrist.
‐The psychiatrist‐‐ ‐Oh, the psychiatrist.
Do you see the way your mind wanders?
No, hey, no, Balki.
Balki, no, see, see
that is just what is going to get you into trouble.
You have to be very careful
what you say to the psychiatrist, okay?
Because he’s gonna take everything you say
and, and twist it and, and turn it and, and think that
just because your, your brother Billy
was your dad’s favorite that you’re bitter and neurotic.
Well, it’s not true, I tell you.
And, and I just never had the chance to show dad that I...
Cousin, cousin, listen, cousin. Cousin, it’s okay.
It’s alright. It’s alright.
It’s alright, now, now, just don’t‐don’t worry about
your brother Billy and don’t worry about me
because when the psychiatrist comes to talk to me
I’m just gonna be myself.
‐You’re just gonna be myself. ‐You’re just gonna be yourself?
I’m just gonna be myself.
Let me tell you something, Balki.
You have gotta tell these people exactly what they want to hear.
Whatever you do, do not speak Myposian.
‐Why not? ‐No, not a word.
‐It’s a noble language. ‐No, not a word of Myposian.
No, no, none of this oh! Po, po, po, po, po, po.
’Boing‐boing‐boing.’
Diggi, diggi, diggi, diggi, diggi, diggi, diggi.
Boochi, boochi, boochi!
Excuse me!
I don’t want to interrupt your...chant.
Uh, I’m Dr. Michael Aldrich.
Mr. Wainwright sent me up here.
Oh! Oh! That right, Dr. Aldrich.
[laughing] Oh, no. No, no, not a chant.
Hello, hello, I’m Balki Bartokomous and...
And this my‐my cousin, Larry Appleton.
And, uh...
I wouldn’t bring up his brother, Billy.
I’m just gonna ask a few questions
do some word association, show you some ink blots
and ask for your interpretations.
[instrumental music]
Alright, Larry.
What do you see?
Man’s, uh, relentless quest
to return to and liberate the child within, as I have.
Butterfly.
And what do you see in this one?
Man in turmoil, uh, struggling to reach
the level of inner peace I have.
Bowling ball.
Now, we’re going to do some word association.
I’ll say a word, you say the first thing
that comes in your head.
Boy.
Young, well‐adjusted urban warrior with a vision
desire to help others on his road toward adulthood.
Girl.
‐Career. ‐Struggling, clutching.
Climbing, always trying to reach the next rung
of the corporate ladder
all while being a loyal soldier to Mr. Wainwright, which I am.
Job.
Now, there’s just one more area that I’d like to cover.
I understand that even though you’re married
your cousin still lives with you.
Tell me about that.
Oh, I do, uh, well, no, no, that’s...
I know that it may seem a little peculiar but, uh...
No, uh, well, uh... I had no choice.
Because, well‐well, to be‐be perfectly honest
uh, he’s, he’s helpless without me.
Cousin Larry said that he needed help with the rent
but to tell you the truth he’s...helpless without me.
[instrumental music]
Bartokomous, Appleton.
‐Hi, Mr. Wainwright. ‐Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.
I just finished talking with Dr. Aldrich.
And he’s given me some very constructive ideas
about changes I could make around here.
Well, you know, I was pretty impressed with him myself.
Dr. Aldrich, uh, found you two very, um, interesting.
Uh, in fact, he’s so impressed by you that he wants both of you
to do further stress testing at his clinic.
Be there tomorrow morning at nine.
Cousin, did you hear that?
We get to go down to the clinic for further testing!
Oh, I’m so excited!
I don’t know about you but I’m not gonna sleep a wink tonight.
What am I gonna wear? What am I gonna wear?
Oh, I guess, we shouldn’t flaunt
our good fortune in front of the others.
I knew it. I knew it.
Dr. Aldrich found something
to make him think that we’re unstable, the quack.
What did you tell him?
Did you tell him about the Dance of Joy?
Tell him about it? I taught it to him.
He did this snappy little knee‐jerk thing
with a little rotation up here.
I’m gonna have you try it.
Balki, Balki. Don’t you see what’s going on here?
When Wainwright said he’s, he’s gonna make some changes
around here, what‐what he means is that
he’s gonna find out who can’t handle stress and fire them.
And I’m gonna be one of the first ones to go.
[instrumental music]
So, this is the clinic.
It’s even more wonderful than I dreamed.
So much formica and simulated wood.
Well, I‐I, I don’t have to work at the paper.
I could cut hair.
My Uncle Bud had a barbershop, did‐did well.
And my Uncle Ed sold meat door‐to‐door
always made a very nice living.
Cousin.
Cousin, listen. This is not necessary.
You’re not going to lose your job.
And can we please just be adults about this?
Popsicle sticks!
No, no, Balki, those are not popsicle sticks.
Those are tongue depressors.
Well, of course they are, don’t be ridiculous.
After the popsicle’s gone...
...your tongue gets depressed.
Hello, Larry, Balki.
Dr. Mike!
[both chuckle]
Well, are you ready to get started?
Dr. Mike, before we get started
I just got to hear your duck imitation.
‐My duck imitation? ‐Yeah.
Cousin Larry says you’re a big quack.
‐Will you stop it? ‐Ow! Ow!
He’s, he’s a little nervous about the test.
Oh!
Look, cousin, chest watches.
What these devices will do is
measure the amount of stress that your body is feeling.
Please, be seated.
We’re just gonna ask you to perform a few simple tasks.
There’s no right or wrong way to do them.
No passing or failing.
Just do your best.
[door closes]
No passing or failing.
We’re going to be graded on everything we do.
Oh, come on, cousin, Dr. Mike left the room.
We can do anything we want in this palace of fun.
I’m so excited.
Balki, we cannot do anything we want.
Dr. Mike is gonna be watching us from behind the mirror.
Get out of the city.
There’s no room behind that mirror.
It’s just right up against the wall.
No, Balky, there is another room on the other side of the mirror.
He can see us, but we can’t see him.
‐Really? ‐’Yes.’
And stretch!
‐Balki!. ‐What?
He is watching us from over there.
He is going to be evaluating everything we do.
You know, and‐and, and without even knowing it
we could be revealing our, our deepest inner most thoughts.
Will you stop it?
What’s the matter with you?
Oh, God! Look! I’m‐I’m already registering stress!
‐Cousin, cousin... ‐I’m failing the test.
Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.
Remember. Remember your "Think and Grow Calm" tapes?
‐Yeah. ‐Well, now.
Just remember, you take a deep breath.
[inhales]
‐Ah! ‐Repeat after me.
I am a Halloween.
‐I am a Halloween. ‐No, no, no.
It’s not "I am a Halloween."
It’s "I am a hollow reed."
Well, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
But if it works for you, go with it.
I am a hollow reed.
Trouble blows through me like the wind.
Alright. We’re going to begin with a simple task.
Please, be seated.
Oh. You know, I decided I like this seat because it’s...
(Dr. Mike) ’Assemble the puzzle of the United States on the table.’
‐You have one minute. Begin. ‐Alright, alright, Balki.
You start with East Coast, work your way this way
I’ll start with the West Coast and work my way that way.
Come on. No, no. I don’t know.
‐I don’t want to have a plan. ‐Just start on the East Coast.
‐And work your way this way. ‐No. I don’t want to have.
Cousin, I want to be here with the farms
where people have nice braids and‐‐
Alright, alright, Balki, I’ll start on the coasts
and work my way in, and you start
in the middle and work your way out.
Oh, come on, cousin. No, look.
Balki, if we don’t do this
I’m gonna lose my job!
Oh, cousin, for goodness sake.
Let’s make a game out of it.
Balki, we have wasted 15 seconds.
We’ve only got 45 seconds left.
Cousin, cousin, look, the only way
to accomplish a difficult task is to make it fun, okay?
California! Where is California?
♪ California here I come ♪
♪ Right back where I started from ♪
Start in the middle of the country.
♪ There’s a yellow rose of Texas that I am gonna see ♪
♪ Oh the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home ♪
♪ Oh I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee ♪
♪ I’m goin’ to Louisiana my true love for to see ♪
♪ Oh Susannah don’t you cry for me ♪
♪ For I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee ♪
♪ Carry me back to old Virginny ♪
Alright, Balki, we just need New York. Where’s New York?
‐Where is New York? ‐Just find New York.
I’ll‐I’ll do the rest. You just find New York.
Find New York. Go on.
If I can make it there
then I’ll make it anywhere.
It’s up to you! New York! New York!
♪ These vagabond shoes ♪ ♪ Ta ta ta‐ra‐ra ♪
♪ Are leaving today ♪ ♪ Ta ta ta‐ra‐ra ♪
♪ I want to be a part of it ♪
♪ In old New York ♪
♪ If I can make it there ♪
♪ I’ll make it anywhere ♪
♪ It’s up to you New York ♪
♪ New York ♪
Time.
You did very well.
’Are you ready for step two?’
Oh, you bet, we are.
‐Hi‐yah! ‐Hi‐yah!
Raise the temperature in the lab to 100 degrees.
I love this part.
Here’s a stack of assorted colored papers in front of you.
’Separate them according to color and count them.’
You have two minutes.
Alright, Balki, this will go faster if we each take half
and then‐then add them up at the end.
Okay, could I have that pile?
‐Because I’ve always loved... ‐’Begin.’
One, two, sweep the hut.
Three, four, milk the goat.
Five, six, tend the flock.
Seven, eight, run next door
and see if Stavros has any extra lard.
‐Nine‐‐ ‐Balki, will you stop that?
It doesn’t even rhyme.
Well, it does in Myposian.
Now, I’ll have to start all over again.
Boy, it’s getting hot in here.
‐Balki. ‐Uh‐huh.
(Dr. Mike) ’What is your phone number?’
Five, five, five, nine, eight, seven, six.
Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
Will you shut up?
[device beeping]
Cousin, now, cousin, cousin, look.
Just remember, deep breath, deep breath.
I am hollow reed and wind blows through me with no trouble.
Trouble blows through me like the wind.
Wind blows through me...
One, two...
(Dr. Mike) ’Larry, what is your wife’s occupation?’
Five... Flight attendant. Six...
Does it bother you that your wife spends a lot of time
away from home with good‐looking pilots?
Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen... No!
Sixteen...
[device beeping] Seventeen, eighteen...
‐Cousin, I am a hollow reed. ‐Nineteen... I am a hollow reed.
‐Hollow reed. ‐Twenty... I am a hollow reed.
‐Hollow reed. ‐I am a hollow reed.
Oh, who’s kidding who? I’m not a hollow reed.
How can I be a hollow reed when my wife’s off sharing peanuts
with some square‐jawed jet jockey?
I am a hollow reed.
If hollow reed doesn’t work, you try "I’m a Halloween."
(both) I’m a Halloween.
‐I’m a Halloween. ‐I’m a Halloween.
I’m alright.
‐Okay. Yeah. ‐Thank you, buddy. Thank you.
Alright, let’s get these things counted and get out of the oven.
‐Okay. ‐Don’t let him distract you.
Alright, alright.
[whispering] Four, five, six‐‐
‐’Balki.’ ‐Uh‐huh.
I understand your girlfriend
lives in the same house with you?
Yes, that’s right. She lives right across the hall.
Are you a feeling a lot of pressure to get married?
To who?
Balki, we gotta do something about the heat in here.
‐Turn on the fan. ‐No, no, cousin.
‐I don’t thin‐‐ ‐Turn on the fan.
‐Cousin, cousin, listen to me. ‐Turn on the fan.
Turn on the fan! Turn on the fan, now!
[device beeping]
‐I’m hollow reed. ‐Turn the fan on, now!
[yelling]
Cousin...
‐Balki, turn off the fan! ‐I am hollow reed.
Turn off the fan, now!
Turn the fan off!
I can’t. Cousin, I can’t turn it off.
I can’t turn it off.
I can’t move it.
‐I can’t move it, cousin. ‐You have 20 seconds.
Balki, help me pick up the papers or I’m gonna lose my job!
Hey, cousin, listen. You know what?
Don’t think about. Don’t worry about it.
Nothing, nothing is that important, cousin. It’s just...
Cousin, oh, gosh, if you lose your job, you get another job.
‐’Balki.’ ‐Yah?
Did your Cousin Larry tell you that he’s going to Disneyland
this summer and he’s not taking you?
[device beeping]
How...could you do that to me?
You, you know that going to the Magic Kingdom
is my life‐long dream?
Balki, I didn’t say that! He’s lying.
Doctors don’t lie.
And anyway, lying about Disneyland is illegal.
Balki...I’m telling you, I didn’t say that.
Don’t you see what he’s trying to do?
He’s trying to pit us against each other
so he’ll raise our, raise our stress level.
And you thought you’d just go to Disneyland and unwind!
[device beeping]
I’m not going to Disneyland!
Nobody is going to Disneyland!
(Dr. Mike) ’Time’s up!’
Oh, God! Oh, no. We didn’t finish the test!
We’re gonna lose our jobs.
Yeah, well, one of us is goin’ to Disneyland!
Yes, I am.
[instrumental music]
Yes, thank you, Alice.
That was Wainwright’s secretary.
‐Alice. ‐Alice.
He’s on his way down here.
We may as well clean out our desks now.
Cousin, I’m so sorry that I let you down.
I, I‐I...
When Dr. Aldrich said that you were going to Disneyland
without me, I just completely lost it and...
It wasn’t very nice of Dr. Aldrich to lie to me.
He really got your goat.
Oh, no. He’s got Binki?
No. No, he doesn’t have Binki. It’s an expression.
"He’s got Binki" is an expression?
What does that mean?
Appleton, Bartokomous.
I’ve just been on the phone with Dr. Aldrich.
Well, I’m surprised you both fit.
Mr. Wainwright, I‐I...
I can explain everything about the stress test.
There’s nothing to explain.
Dr. Aldrich thinks I’m brilliant
because I teamed you two together.
He thinks your obsessiveness offsets
Bartokomous’ lack of concentration
and his level of composure offsets your level of neurosis.
But‐but, sir, we, we failed the stress test.
We‐we crumbled.
That’s the point of the test, Appleton, everyone crumbles.
You two did fairly well, until you
started fighting with each other.
Then you crumbled in a big way.
I saw the tape. It was quite amusing.
As a matter of fact, my wife and I
are having people over tonight to view it again.
My favorite part is "I am a Halloween!"
[laughing]
I am a Halloween.
Well, cousin, you see, it weren’t for nothing.
We still got our jobs and we’re bringing big laughs
to Mr. and Mrs. Wainwright’s parties
and, uh...we learned a valuable lesson.
That we make a great team... till we start to fight.
So, uh, let’s just see to it that, uh...
...we don’t have any more fights, okay?
W‐w‐w‐wait a minute, wait a minute.
Are‐are you saying that I am the one who starts the fights?
[scoffs]
Well, I’m not saying that no
although you are the one that
that has always started them.
I mean, for six years anyway, you have been the one who starts
but, look, but that is water under the fridge
you just, it’s not, the important thing.
What do you mean? What do you mean for six years?
I’ve been the one who has started the fights?
Well, you’re the one that comes two inches from my ear
and says "What, are you outta your mind?"
Alright, well, well, I am not the one
with the attention span of a flea.
Well, I am not the one that comes up behind you
and does this when you want me to shut up.
Oh, well, I am not the one who’s always saying
"Oh, go on with you."
Yeah, but you do this.
Aw!
No. You do this!
Ow!
Actually, I guess...
(both) We both do this.
(both) Aw!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]