[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Good vegetables, Jen.
Thanks.
They’re, they’re so...crisp.
Well, I did, uh, keep them in the crisper.
Well, that, uh, that must be it.
Balki, could you, uh, please pass the salt?
Balki?
Would you please pass the salt?
Thank you.
Sorry, cousin, we were playing lip tag and I was it.
Tonight is the fourth anniversary
of the very first time we ever said the exact same thing
at the exact same time.
Well, who, who could blame you for celebrating?
Cuddle break.
What is it with those two?
It’s, it’s a cuddle break every fifteen minutes.
I mean, have you ever seen anything so nauseating?
I think they’re adorable.
You do?
Yeah, I think it’s sweet the way
they’re so affectionate with each other.
You do?
I feel like going to bed.
You do?
Goodnight, Balki. Goodnight, Mary Anne.
I’ll just, uh, lock the doors and be right up sweetheart.
Why?
Because you said you wanted to go to bed.
Oh, right, try not to disturb me when you come upstairs, okay?
They’re so cute.
Race you to the pillow.
‐Balki? ‐Yeah.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t come to you with a problem like this.
Uh, but you seem to be doing something right.
So, uh, tell me.
How do you...
...keep the old...
...home fires, burning?
Gotcha.
Well, cousin, the, um, the most important thing
is to use very, very dry wood.
But the real key is the kindling.
And, of course, the lighter fluid.
Now, if you just go through a little bota bag‐‐
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I’m talking about the fires
between a man and a woman.
Oh.
‐Oh...them fires. ‐Yeah.
If our flame ever flickered, I think what I would do
I would go into my pleasure chest and select
one of the three tried and true Bartokomous marriage secrets.
"Three tried and true Bartokomous marriage secrets?"
What are they?
Well, cousin, uh, if I told you they wouldn’t be secrets.
I’ll buy you ice cream.
Moon oil is one.
Burning amber incense is another.
And, of course, there’s the Ocean Surf cassette tape.
Goodnight, cousin.
‐Uh, just out of curiosity. ‐Uh‐huh.
Um, where is, uh, your pleasure chest?
Well, cousin, now again
that would be another Bartokomous marriage secret.
Waffle cone?
In the garage behind my cheese wheel.
Thank you.
Why do you ask?
Oh, you know, no reasons. Just, uh, you know guy talk.
Oh, hey! Look at the time.
Hey, you better get to bed, don’t you think?
I don’t know, cousin, you kinda got me in the mood to talk.
So anyway, how’s everything by you?
‐Balki. ‐Uh‐huh.
Go to bed, Mary Anne is waiting. Cuddle break, remember?
Cousin, I got to be honest with you.
The woman is wearing me out.
(Mary Anne) ’Balki.’
On the other hand, she sure knows how to toss my salad!
Goodnight, cousin.
[instrumental music]
Good morning, cousin.
Would you like a fish head omelet?
No.
Would you like a knuckle sandwich?
Knuckles are more of a lunch thing.
They tend to stay with you‐‐
Listen to me.
Besides, they, they repeat on me.
Listen to me, listen to me.
Because of you, Jennifer is miserable this morning.
I went into your stupid pleasure chest, I used your stupid
Bartokomous marriage secrets and they didn’t work.
You went into my pleasure chest?
‐Yes. ‐What you did take?
I took ’em all!
The moon oil gave her a rash, she’s still sneezing
from the incense, and the ocean sounds made her seasick.
Before I report you to the proper authorities
there’s something I think you should know.
Moon oil applied directly to the skin
usually causes third degree burns!
Ow.
You must have found an old bottle.
But, the, the moon oil isn’t body oil?
Moon oil is used to light the Myposian honeymoon lamp
and the incense is for outdoor use only
and no one should ever listen
to the Ocean Surf cassette tape on a full stomach.
And in case you haven’t noticed
Jennifer has a very full stomach.
Jen, honey, you, you feel better?
It’s funny, Larry.
Until last night I didn’t think anything
could make me feel more miserable than being pregnant.
I was wrong.
Let’s get going, this is gonna take a major league gift.
‐May I make a suggestion? ‐Yeah.
A Louisville slug?
A little garlic on it, delicious.
[instrumental music]
(Larry) ’Look, this is a waste of time.’
’We’re not gonna find a perfect for Jenifer’
in the sports department.
(male #1 in store) ’Thank you for shopping at Peterman’s.’
’Remember, Peterman’s white sale starts Monday.’
Come on, let’s go.
Cousin, just, just wait a minute.
I, I want to find something special for Mary Anne.
Balki, you already got a, a car full of gifts.
Wha‐wha‐what is this? Another anniversary?
Today is the first anniversary of the first time that
Mary Anne and I got caught in the rain
and our hair got all wet and stringy
and we used the car heater to dry it
and got our heads stuck under the steering wheel.
Well, that must have been a special, special day for you.
And I’d love to hear more about it.
Well, we got caught in the rain‐‐
But...
And our, our hair was all wet and, and stringy‐‐
But, but, but, I have to find
the perfect gift for Jenifer.
Cousin, what are you talking about?
We’ve been shopping all day and the little neck pillow
that you got six and a half hours ago
remains the perfect gift. And why?
Because it’s what she really wants.
Balki, it’s cheap, it’s stupid and it’s too small.
Cousin, if a gift is given with love, size don’t count.
Believe me, size always counts.
(male #1) ’Attention, shoppers, the store will close in five minutes.’
’Five minutes till closing.’
Come on, cousin, let’s get out of here.
They’re closing the store.
‐No, they’re not. ‐Yeah, they are.
They just, he just said, "The store closing in five minutes."
It’s just a trick to encourage impulse buying.
It amazes me how you can find the ugliest motives
in the simplest things.
It’s what I do best.
Now let’s go back to the jewelry department.
Okay.
Cousin, the jewelry is right around that corner‐‐
‐It’s right over here. ‐It’s right around the corner.
Cousin, remember, look, look...
Just turn and look.
‐Well, now you’ve done it. ‐Well, now you’ve done it.
‐What do you mean I’ve done it? ‐What do you mean I’ve done it?
‐What are you talking about? ‐The jewelry department...
‐Is right over there. ‐Look, if you’d just...
You have no visual memory. No visual memory at all.
[indistinct arguing]
(both in unison) Well, I can’t believe you’re gonna wriggle out of this again.
Just help me put this thing back together
before the security guard sees us.
‐Okay. ‐Umm.
Look, cousin
he’s got his foot in his mouth.
Will you stop fooling around?
Oh, I’m sorry, cousin, here
let me give you a hand.
[giggles]
You’re not gonna help, are you?
Well, of course I am. Don’t be ridiculous.
♪ Dem bone dem bone dem ♪
♪ Dry bone dem bone dem bone dem ♪
♪ Dry bone the hand bone connect to the neck bone ♪
♪ The wrist bone connect to the shoulder bone ♪
♪ The foot bone connect to the ♪
(male #1) ’Thank you for shopping at Peterman’s.’
’The store is now closed.’
Cousin...
I think they’re serious about this closing thing.
Balki...
I happened to be a gold card holder.
Now, no store is going to close
while a gold card holder is still shopping.
Now just help me find the, the head.
It must have r‐rolled somewhere.
L‐look around.
[grunting]
[snorting]
Look, cousin, it’s the incredible two‐headed Mypiot.
[snorts]
Balki, you idiot.
Now, give me that.
[groaning]
Oh!
Two‐headed Mypiot.
Will you stop it?
‐Hey, cousin... ‐Umm?
You do notice anything strange?
Other than the fact that I’m torn between two dummies?
Feeling like a fool?
Cousin
it’s awfully quiet in here.
You know what I think?
You know what?
You know, you know what I think?
I think everybody gone home.
‐Cousin... ‐Hmm?
They closed the store.
Impossible.
[door rumbling]
Balki, they closed the store.
You stupid little nincompoopolos.
Oh, so now, suddenly, I’m the one to blame.
Oh, no, you were pretty much always the one to blame.
Well, l‐look, let’s just concentrate
on finding a way outta here.
But don’t worry, cousin.
I have a plan.
‐Oh, oh, you have a plan? ‐Yeah.
‐I have a plan. ‐You have a plan?
‐A good one too. ‐No.
No, no, no‐no‐no‐no‐no‐no‐no!
I make the plans and you follow.
Engine, caboose.
Engine...caboose.
‐Got it? ‐Yeah, I got it.
No one blows hot air like you do.
I think, I’ll just use the phone to call for help.
[dog barking]
Cousin...
Did you hear something?
Yes, I heard something.
[dog snarling]
Must have been a recording.
Probably a motion detector and a speaker around here.
[dog snarling]
You know, all the big stores are going with these
high‐tech alarm systems.
Cousin. Cousin...
It’s, it’s, it’s a dog.
Of course, it’s a dog. It’s a recording of a dog.
And not a very good one, I might add.
[snarling]
No, cousin, it’s a big scary dog.
I know you’re scared.
It’s your first time locked in a store.
But Cousin Larry is here.
I’m not gonna let anything happen to you, okay?
You feel better?
Huh? Feel better?
[dog snarling]
Why didn’t you tell me?
I tried to tell you, but you were too busy making‐‐
[dog barks]
Making me feel better, feel better.
Just for the record, I don’t.
Alright, Balki, don’t make any sudden moves.
We’re going to back up very, very slowly.
[snarling]
[barking]
[barking continues]
Cousin, I think he wants us to stand still.
Okay, okay!
Alright, I think we need a plan.
‐Alright, let me think. ‐I got it.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Listen up. Listen up. I got it.
You let the dog chase you around the store
while I make the phone call.
On three, ready? One, two, three.
Go.
[dog growling]
One, two, three, go.
Balki, go.
One, two, three, go.
Go, go.
One‐two‐three. Go.
What else you got?
Nice doggy. Nice doggy. Nice doggy. Stay. Stay. Stay.
‐Stay. ‐Cousin, cousin.
Cousin, cousin, cousin.
Here you go. Here you go, doggy. Fetch.
‐’No, cousin.’ ‐’Here you go. Here you go.’
Fetch. Here you go, here you go, doggy. Fetch.
‐No, cousin. ‐Here you go. Here you go.
Doggy, just, just go.
Balki.
What kinda doggy doesn’t fetch?
A dog that would rather kill.
Cousin, if I don’t make it out of here... Oh, God.
If, if I don’t make it out of here alive
tell Mary Anne that, um, that I stashed some extra cash
behind the nutmeg in the kitchen and that I love her very much.
Why am I telling you this? You’ll be dead, too.
Balki, I know about your nutmeg stash.
And, listen, if we do get out of here alive
I‐I’m gonna give you back the three hundred dollars I stole.
[dog barking]
You stole my nutmeg nest egg?
How could you do that?
How can you do that to me?
[barking continues]
[instrumental music]
Oh‐oh.
[dog barking]
Enough, enough.
(Jennifer) Where would they be all night without calling us?
Maybe they wanted to earn some extra money
for our babies’ college education
so they took second jobs and forgot to tell us.
Or maybe they’re lying in a ditch somewhere.
See that’s the difference between us.
You see the glass and you say it’s half empty
whereas I see the glass and I say it’s empty halfway.
‐Hi. ‐Hi.
Balki, what happened to you?
Larry, where have you been?
I’ve been worried sick.
Well, we accidentally got locked
in Peterman’s department store with a mad dog.
Larry, I promise I won’t be angry.
Where have you really been?
Jennifer, it’s true.
We were, we were being chased all night by a dog.
But the worst part was...
...they locked the bathrooms.
Well, you missed a pretty special anniversary.
No, I didn’t, my little lamb shank.
You remembered the first time we got caught in the rain
and our hair got all wet and stringy
and we used the car heater to dry it
and got our heads caught under the steering wheel anniversary.
I have your present upstairs.
Cuddle break.
Penny for your thoughts.
[mellow music]
Larry, how did you get locked in Peterman’s department store?
Well, well, I‐I was just trying to find the perfect gift for you
to save our marriage and we got locked in.
Larry, our marriage doesn’t need saving.
And why would you think it would?
Well, well, you, you don’t seem to be interested in me lately
I mean, Balki and Mary Anne are always taking cuddle breaks
and, and, and, you, you just you, you don’t want to touch me.
I’m sorry, Larry, but these days
I just don’t feel very attractive.
Well, you, you’ve never been more attractive.
‐Really? ‐Yes.
‐You mean it? ‐Yes, I mean it.
Oh, Larry, I love you.
Ow, ow.
The, the dog nicked my lip.
Oh, and I, I almost forgot.
This is, uh, for you.
And it’s small and cheap
but it’s the only thing I could find.
I love surprises.
It’s a neck pillow.
Oh, Larry, I love it.
When my lip heals, I’ll, I’ll blow it up for you.
Cuddle break?
[instrumental music]
Uh‐uh, uh‐uh.
[dog barking]
[dog snarls]
Balki...wh‐why isn’t he chasing you?
I don’t know, cousin.
I grew up on a farm.
I just have a way with animals. Isn’t that right, boy?
[dog barking]
Oh, oh. Uh‐ah. Oh, oh‐oh.
[both shouting]
[theme music]