1
00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:02,772
[theme music]

2
00:00:11,624 --> 00:00:14,228
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

3
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♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

4
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♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

5
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♪ Like you need some
kind of change ♪

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♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

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♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪

8
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♪ This flame in my heart ♪

9
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♪ And a long lost friend ♪

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♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

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♪ Standing tall ♪

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♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

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♪ Rise and fall ♪

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♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

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♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

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♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

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♪ Ooh oh ooh ♪

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♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

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♪ And nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪

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[theme music]

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Mary Anne! Mary Anne!
He’s almost here!

22
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The mailman’s almost here!

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He’s only three doors away
and he’s got

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the letters that
we’ve been waiting for!

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‐Oh! Oh!
‐Oh!

26
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(Larry)
’Oh, hey, hey! Oh.’

27
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What’s Balki so excited about?

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Is it some, uh,
Myposian holiday?

29
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Did Mud Day sneak
up on us again?

30
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Mud Day is not until next week

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but if I were you two,
I’d be getting my hats ready!

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’Oh!’

33
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Well, uh, mail call.

34
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Why, look at this, Mary Anne.

35
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You and I got a letter from
"The Baby Quiz" television show.

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‐Oh!
‐And...

37
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Look, Jennifer and Cousin Larry
got a letter from them, too.

38
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What a completely
unplanned coincidence!

39
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Well, what would some stupid
game show want with us?

40
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Well, how would we know?
Why are you staring at us?

41
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Why are you boring holes
through us

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with your accusing,
questioning eyes?

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What, what makes you
think we know?

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We, we don’t have a clue.
Do we have a clue?

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‐Clueless! Clueless!
‐Clueless! Absolutely clueless!

46
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And we don’t appreciate
the insinuation.

47
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Well, something tells me
you’re behind this, Balki.

48
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[sniggers]

49
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Whatever... What‐what‐whatever
would you say that for, cousin?

50
00:02:37,982 --> 00:02:41,957
Well, the address says "Jennifer
and Cousin Larry Appleton."

51
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Well, I guess you caught
us with our pants on.

52
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Um, when Mary Anne and I found
out that "The Baby Quiz" show

53
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was looking for new contestants

54
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we thought it would be
wild, wacky, whimsical fun

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for both families to be on
at the same time.

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So, after filling out 800
of our own applications...

57
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...we quickly scribbled
out one for you.

58
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Open yours first.
The suspense is killing me!

59
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‐We were accepted!
‐Hot doggy!

60
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Now we all can be on together!

61
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No, we won’t.

62
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We were rejected.

63
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Oh, Balki!

64
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Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

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Now there, there, my little
cement mixer. Don’t be sad.

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Now, listen.

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Just because we filled out
Cousin Larry and Jennifer’s

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winning application and, and
had 800 of our own rejected

69
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that’s no reason
to be upset.

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Right?

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We are very...

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...ha‐ha‐happy for you.

73
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[sobbing]

74
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Well, thank you, Balki,
but, uh

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I‐I don’t think we’ll be going
on "The Baby Quiz" show.

76
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I am not about to let my wife

77
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and unborn child be exploited
just so that we can win

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a year’s supply of baby wipes.

79
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Larry, I think it would be fun.

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No! No, no!

81
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My mind is absolutely made up.

82
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Balki, why, why don’t
you take this letter

83
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and try to go on in our place?

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Cousin...

85
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I am so touched.

86
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It is so generous of you
to give up your chance

87
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to win your child
a college scholarship.

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College scholarship?

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To the school of your choice.

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Well, you know, it does
have our name on it

91
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and we don’t want to, uh

92
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deceive those nice
game show people.

93
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So I guess, uh, we will be
going on "The Baby Quiz" show.

94
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I don’t want to do this.
Why do we have to do this?

95
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Come on, Larry.
It’ll make ’em happy,

96
00:05:08,783 --> 00:05:10,020
Hello, everybody!

97
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Let’s give a big
"Baby Quiz" welcome

98
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to our host, Lance Edwards!

99
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It’s really Balki.

100
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["The Baby Quiz" theme music]

101
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Thank you.

102
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He’s wearing my suit.

103
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And welcome to "The Baby Quiz".

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The show that poses
the age‐old question

105
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"Hey, you’re havin’
a baby and now what?"

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[guffaws]

107
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Alright, I’m Lance Edwards

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and this is my lovely
"Baby Quiz" co‐hostess, Tyanna.

109
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‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo.
‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo.

110
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‐Mwah!
‐Mwah!

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Oh!

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Alright, Tyanna, let’s meet
our first contestants.

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Please welcome
Larry and Jennifer Appleton

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00:06:04,294 --> 00:06:05,932
from Chicago, Illinois.

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Jennifer is eight
months pregnant

116
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and hasn’t seen
her feet since February!

117
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’Thank you, Tyanna.’

118
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As you know, this is how
"The Baby Quiz" works.

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We’ll ask you questions
about your pregnancy

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while your spouse is secured
in our soundproof booth.

121
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’Tyanna?’

122
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Later on, we’ll reunite you

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and we’ll see how
your answers compare.

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The couple with the most matches
wins. Isn’t that something?

125
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Tell them what they’ll win,
Johnny!

126
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A trip to Mexico!

127
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Our winning couple will
fiesta and frolic

128
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at the fabulous
Corona del Corona Hideaway!

129
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They’ll swim
in crystal tide pools

130
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and enjoy sumptuous meals
at the Cafeteria Corona.

131
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’All prizes non‐transferable,
subject to availability.’

132
00:06:49,953 --> 00:06:51,523
Holidays and weekends excluded
and it’s all for you

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from "The Baby Quiz!"

134
00:06:52,992 --> 00:06:54,562
Back to you, Lance!
Thank you, Johnny.

135
00:06:54,595 --> 00:06:55,631
Oh, no, thank you, Lance!

136
00:06:55,664 --> 00:06:57,501
[giggles]
Wow!

137
00:07:02,678 --> 00:07:04,148
Alright, round one.

138
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Each question’s
worth ten points.

139
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Tyanna, has Cousin
Larry Appleton

140
00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:11,228
been secured in the special
soundproof booth?

141
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[laughs]

142
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All secured!

143
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Alright!

144
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Jennifer, we’ll start with you.

145
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’Jennifer, you’re lovely.’

146
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I love the crazy little
flip in your hair.

147
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You and I had chatted backstage

148
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and you’d mentioned that,
uh, this has been

149
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a particularly difficult
pregnancy for you.

150
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Is that right?

151
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And that you’ve been
under a lot of stress

152
00:07:37,314 --> 00:07:40,020
and you’ve developed kind
of a quirky little nervous tick.

153
00:07:40,053 --> 00:07:41,422
Is that right?

154
00:07:41,455 --> 00:07:42,424
Come on, let’s see it.

155
00:07:42,457 --> 00:07:44,428
’Let’s see your little
nervous tick.’

156
00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:46,265
’There it is and it’s adorable!’

157
00:07:46,298 --> 00:07:48,570
Well, you’ll be happy
to know the first question

158
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has nothing to do with your
crazy, quirky little tick.

159
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Jennifer...since
you’ve been pregnant

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which part of your
body hurts the most?

161
00:07:58,590 --> 00:08:02,064
Is it your upper half...
or your lower half?

162
00:08:03,466 --> 00:08:05,771
It’s my lower half.
I get terrible leg cramps.

163
00:08:05,804 --> 00:08:08,743
Alright, let’s bring back
Cousin Larry Appleton

164
00:08:08,777 --> 00:08:11,448
and see how well he knows
the mother of his child.

165
00:08:11,482 --> 00:08:12,718
[laughs]

166
00:08:12,751 --> 00:08:14,689
Alright!

167
00:08:14,722 --> 00:08:17,160
Alright, Cousin Larry Appleton,
it’s good to have you back.

168
00:08:17,194 --> 00:08:18,630
Your wife is lovely.

169
00:08:18,663 --> 00:08:21,135
And you and I were chatting
backstage earlier.

170
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,573
And you mentioned to me that
one of your greatest fears...

171
00:08:23,607 --> 00:08:25,611
...is that your unborn
child might inherit

172
00:08:25,644 --> 00:08:28,517
your short, stubby legs
and your hammer toes.

173
00:08:31,322 --> 00:08:35,096
Your hammer toes. Father
had them, they’re no fun.

174
00:08:35,130 --> 00:08:36,599
’You’ll be happy to know...’

175
00:08:36,633 --> 00:08:39,672
’...your first question...’

176
00:08:39,705 --> 00:08:40,774
[laughs]

177
00:08:40,807 --> 00:08:41,809
Alright!

178
00:08:43,246 --> 00:08:45,216
Your first question,
we asked Jennifer

179
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:46,753
"Jennifer, since
you’ve been pregnant

180
00:08:46,786 --> 00:08:48,823
"which part of your
body hurts the most?

181
00:08:48,857 --> 00:08:51,829
Is it your upper half
or your lower half?"

182
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:53,633
Easy question.

183
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,405
She has constant headaches
and a stiff neck.

184
00:08:56,438 --> 00:08:57,474
Definitely upper half.

185
00:08:57,508 --> 00:08:59,845
Ooh! I’m sorry!

186
00:08:59,879 --> 00:09:02,284
No, she said that
she had leg cramps.

187
00:09:02,317 --> 00:09:03,720
That’d be lower half.

188
00:09:05,691 --> 00:09:08,830
Larry, I get leg
cramps every night.

189
00:09:08,863 --> 00:09:11,402
Where have you been
the last 32 weeks?

190
00:09:11,435 --> 00:09:13,206
Do we know each other?
Have we met?

191
00:09:13,239 --> 00:09:14,842
Hey, th‐that’s just
the first question.

192
00:09:14,875 --> 00:09:16,579
Th‐the next question’s probably
going to be something about

193
00:09:16,613 --> 00:09:18,717
food cravings and‐and
I happen to know

194
00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:20,486
you have a thing
for ice cream.

195
00:09:20,521 --> 00:09:22,190
‐Pop tarts.
‐Pop tarts, I knew that.

196
00:09:23,426 --> 00:09:26,365
[upbeat music]

197
00:09:35,216 --> 00:09:36,886
Larry, this is making
me nervous.

198
00:09:36,919 --> 00:09:38,923
We played this game with Balki
for two hours yesterday

199
00:09:38,957 --> 00:09:41,195
and didn’t get
a single answer right.

200
00:09:41,228 --> 00:09:43,466
We’re gonna make fools
of ourselves on television.

201
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:47,340
We are not going to make fools
of ourselves on television.

202
00:09:47,374 --> 00:09:48,877
Look, if we just answer
the questions

203
00:09:48,910 --> 00:09:50,380
the way we practiced
this morning

204
00:09:50,413 --> 00:09:51,683
everything will be fine.

205
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,987
What if they don’t
ask those questions?

206
00:09:54,020 --> 00:09:56,258
I have a hunch they will.

207
00:09:57,695 --> 00:10:00,500
Hey, hey, hey!
Here’s my lucky contestants!

208
00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:02,304
How are you? Ha, ha, ha.

209
00:10:02,337 --> 00:10:04,274
Oh‐oh! Who’s got a bun
in the oven, huh?

210
00:10:04,308 --> 00:10:05,944
[laughs]

211
00:10:05,977 --> 00:10:06,979
Alright.

212
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,486
I‐I‐I guess that would be us.

213
00:10:10,521 --> 00:10:12,257
Uh, Larry and Jennifer Appleton.

214
00:10:12,290 --> 00:10:14,494
Well, nice to meet you,
Appletons.

215
00:10:14,529 --> 00:10:15,997
[laughs]

216
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:18,737
Mary Anne, it’s‐it’s him!

217
00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:20,641
It’s Lance Edwards!

218
00:10:20,674 --> 00:10:23,045
And you must be my other
lucky contestants.

219
00:10:23,078 --> 00:10:27,655
No. We applied, but we were
unfortunately overlooked.

220
00:10:27,688 --> 00:10:28,990
Eight hundred times.

221
00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:32,798
But we have front row tickets!

222
00:10:32,831 --> 00:10:35,571
Lance, I’m sorry. I just cannot
keep it to myself any longer.

223
00:10:35,604 --> 00:10:37,608
You are my favorite
game show host!

224
00:10:42,818 --> 00:10:43,987
Uh, Lance,
we have a problem.

225
00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,256
Yeah, don’t worry,
I can handle him.

226
00:10:45,290 --> 00:10:48,462
No, no, uh, the other game show
contestants went into labor.

227
00:10:48,496 --> 00:10:49,565
They’re on their way
to the hospital.

228
00:10:51,769 --> 00:10:53,873
Ooh, well, that’s too bad.

229
00:10:53,907 --> 00:10:56,345
I guess that means,
uh, we win by default.

230
00:10:56,378 --> 00:10:58,349
Uh no, no. Actually,
that happens all the time.

231
00:10:58,382 --> 00:11:01,355
We’ll just, uh, pick another
couple from our studio audience.

232
00:11:01,388 --> 00:11:03,527
‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

233
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:06,064
Alright. Here’s kind
of a kooky thought.

234
00:11:06,097 --> 00:11:07,768
How about you two?

235
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,774
Oh, Lance!
That’s a dream come true!

236
00:11:10,807 --> 00:11:12,778
‐Lance, capture the moment.
‐Oh, sure.

237
00:11:15,115 --> 00:11:16,686
‐You got to advance it.
‐Oh, alright!

238
00:11:23,165 --> 00:11:25,837
[instrumental music]

239
00:11:27,541 --> 00:11:30,012
Alright, everybody!
It’s time to play...

240
00:11:30,045 --> 00:11:31,816
‐The Baby Quiz!
‐The Baby Quiz!

241
00:11:35,089 --> 00:11:38,061
So daddies, if you’ll follow
our hostess, the lovely Tyanna

242
00:11:38,095 --> 00:11:39,665
to our soundproof booth

243
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,669
we’re going to ask your wives
a series of questions

244
00:11:41,703 --> 00:11:44,675
and then bring you back out
to see how your answers compare.

245
00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:46,879
[both laugh]

246
00:11:46,913 --> 00:11:47,981
‐Alright!
‐Alright!

247
00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:53,226
Alright. Jen, we’re prepared,
we’re gonna be great, right?

248
00:11:53,259 --> 00:11:54,461
Right.

249
00:11:54,929 --> 00:11:56,899
[upbeat music]

250
00:12:04,649 --> 00:12:06,853
Tyanna. I’ve always
wanted to meet you.

251
00:12:07,821 --> 00:12:09,190
I read your book.

252
00:12:09,223 --> 00:12:10,994
And I thought
your layman’s slant

253
00:12:11,027 --> 00:12:12,965
on the Middle East
was mesmerizing.

254
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,106
I especially liked
that chapter called

255
00:12:17,139 --> 00:12:19,645
"There’s No Such Thing
as Too Much Moisturizer."

256
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,185
You have no pores
in your skin, do you?

257
00:12:26,057 --> 00:12:27,294
Hey, cousin,
can you believe it?

258
00:12:27,327 --> 00:12:29,298
We got inside the booth!

259
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:32,671
It’s kind of like
a big fish tank, isn’t it?

260
00:12:32,705 --> 00:12:35,075
Alright. Let’s begin
"The Baby Quiz."

261
00:12:38,650 --> 00:12:40,687
I hope they could get
a good shot of this

262
00:12:40,721 --> 00:12:42,156
on the special booth camera.

263
00:12:43,326 --> 00:12:44,962
Special booth camera?

264
00:12:44,995 --> 00:12:46,866
Yeah, it’s a special camera

265
00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:49,304
and they have it
focused on the booth.

266
00:12:49,338 --> 00:12:52,076
It’s called
"The Special Booth Camera."

267
00:12:53,813 --> 00:12:54,849
’Cause they love to get

268
00:12:54,882 --> 00:12:57,320
shots of the daddies making
fools of themselves.

269
00:13:05,135 --> 00:13:07,708
Well, they are not going
to get any shots of you

270
00:13:07,741 --> 00:13:09,645
or me making fools
of ourselves, alright?

271
00:13:09,679 --> 00:13:11,382
So let’s just,
let’s just, keep quiet.

272
00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:13,853
Why we have to keep quiet?
It’s a soundproof booth.

273
00:13:14,889 --> 00:13:15,957
Nobody can hear us.

274
00:13:17,159 --> 00:13:18,228
Let’s see if it works.

275
00:13:19,331 --> 00:13:20,232
Mary Anne!

276
00:13:20,265 --> 00:13:22,337
Ladies, how much weight
have you gained

277
00:13:22,370 --> 00:13:24,107
so far during your pregnancy?

278
00:13:24,140 --> 00:13:25,844
Cousin, it really does work!

279
00:13:25,877 --> 00:13:27,748
Well, I’ll be my uncle’s monkey!

280
00:13:27,781 --> 00:13:28,883
We can say anything you want!

281
00:13:29,418 --> 00:13:31,656
Mary Anne!

282
00:13:31,689 --> 00:13:32,758
Okay, alright, that’s enough.

283
00:13:32,791 --> 00:13:33,827
That’s enough, alright?

284
00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:35,997
Let’s just, let’s just
keep quiet now. Okay?

285
00:13:36,031 --> 00:13:39,103
Let’s just be quiet
and just behave ourselves.

286
00:13:42,344 --> 00:13:43,379
Whoa!

287
00:13:44,715 --> 00:13:46,051
Those lights are so bright

288
00:13:46,084 --> 00:13:48,088
they hurting my eyes.

289
00:13:48,121 --> 00:13:49,391
Studio lights
have to be bright...

290
00:13:49,424 --> 00:13:51,462
Yeah, but they’re so bright,
I can’t even look anywhere.

291
00:13:51,495 --> 00:13:52,598
Don’t stare into them.

292
00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:53,767
‐Don’t stare into them.
‐What am I gonna look at?

293
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,370
‐Look at something else.
‐There’s nothing I can see.

294
00:13:55,403 --> 00:13:56,739
Just look at something else.

295
00:13:56,773 --> 00:13:57,708
I’m gonna look
at something else?

296
00:13:57,741 --> 00:13:59,110
Look at something
else, you’ll be fine.

297
00:13:59,143 --> 00:14:00,245
‐Alright.
‐Huh...

298
00:14:01,983 --> 00:14:03,486
Cousin, you know
what the problem is?

299
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,157
Those lights draw me.

300
00:14:06,191 --> 00:14:08,161
They draw me.
They are penetrating.

301
00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:10,433
They fascinate me.
I cannot stop!

302
00:14:10,466 --> 00:14:12,437
I know they’re frying
my retinas.

303
00:14:12,470 --> 00:14:15,242
But I just cannot take my eyes
off them! I’m trying to be good.

304
00:14:15,275 --> 00:14:17,515
I’m trying to look where
you told me to look.

305
00:14:17,548 --> 00:14:20,486
But I cannot! I cannot!
Look at those lights!

306
00:14:22,256 --> 00:14:23,960
Alright. Alright.
Okay. Okay.

307
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,531
Cousin, if I don’t
change places with you

308
00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:27,901
I’m gonna go
out of my mind!

309
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:28,970
Alright, let’s switch places.

310
00:14:29,003 --> 00:14:30,541
‐Let’s just switch places.
‐Alright, alright.

311
00:14:30,574 --> 00:14:32,209
And just sit down and please

312
00:14:32,243 --> 00:14:35,149
just try not to embarrass me.

313
00:14:35,182 --> 00:14:39,559
Jennifer, what animal will your
husband say best describes you

314
00:14:39,592 --> 00:14:41,094
during your pregnancy?

315
00:14:41,127 --> 00:14:43,800
Animal describes you
during your pregnancy?

316
00:14:45,269 --> 00:14:46,839
Why hide behind
a question, Lance?

317
00:14:46,873 --> 00:14:48,977
Let’s face it,
I’m, I’m a whale.

318
00:14:49,010 --> 00:14:49,812
Ooh!

319
00:14:53,887 --> 00:14:54,755
What are you doing?

320
00:14:54,789 --> 00:14:56,257
Well, I’m trying
to get comfortable.

321
00:14:56,291 --> 00:14:58,462
This chair is like iron.

322
00:14:58,496 --> 00:15:00,232
You sat in this for all
that time and you...

323
00:15:00,265 --> 00:15:03,940
This is unbelievably
uncomfortable! It’s so hard!

324
00:15:03,973 --> 00:15:06,478
It’s like, what is this? Is this
some kind of torture instrument?

325
00:15:06,513 --> 00:15:08,583
And it looks just like
the chair I was just in.

326
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:10,119
That’s the interesting bit.

327
00:15:10,152 --> 00:15:12,189
I mean... Any... With my...

328
00:15:12,223 --> 00:15:14,360
If I lean...

329
00:15:14,393 --> 00:15:15,864
Maybe if I just kind of lean...

330
00:15:15,897 --> 00:15:19,070
Could I put my head
partially on, on you, maybe?

331
00:15:20,039 --> 00:15:21,074
Alright, let’s switch places.

332
00:15:21,107 --> 00:15:22,511
No, I don’t want
to switch places.

333
00:15:22,545 --> 00:15:23,580
Let’s switch places.

334
00:15:23,613 --> 00:15:24,949
No, I don’t want
to switch places.

335
00:15:24,982 --> 00:15:26,151
I like my new place.

336
00:15:26,184 --> 00:15:28,321
Because when I sit over there,
the light’s in my eyes.

337
00:15:28,355 --> 00:15:29,223
‐Alright, fine.
‐I like my new place.

338
00:15:29,257 --> 00:15:31,261
I don’t have any problem
with where I am.

339
00:15:31,294 --> 00:15:32,898
‐Fine. Fine.
‐It’s the chair I want.

340
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:36,539
I have to have that chair
in order to be comfortable

341
00:15:36,573 --> 00:15:39,645
because this chair is some kind
of iron maiden torture thing

342
00:15:39,679 --> 00:15:41,949
and I don’t like it.

343
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:43,987
‐Impossible to get comfy.
‐No.

344
00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:45,089
‐Well, I want that chair.
‐No.

345
00:15:45,122 --> 00:15:46,391
‐Just give me the chair!
‐No.

346
00:15:46,424 --> 00:15:47,494
Cousin, I want that chair!

347
00:15:47,528 --> 00:15:49,430
I’m gonna go crazy
if I don’t get that chair!

348
00:15:49,464 --> 00:15:50,466
Now get out of it!

349
00:15:51,736 --> 00:15:54,307
Stop it! Stop it!
Put it back! Put it back!

350
00:15:54,340 --> 00:15:56,177
Stop it! Stop it!

351
00:15:56,211 --> 00:15:57,948
Listen to me!
Listen to me!

352
00:16:00,419 --> 00:16:03,627
Cousin Larry is not
switching chairs!

353
00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:05,631
Cousin Larry is not moving!

354
00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:09,037
In fact, Cousin Larry
is just going to sit here

355
00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:12,076
and pretend that he
doesn’t even know you!

356
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:15,584
Cousin.

357
00:16:17,521 --> 00:16:18,657
I’m sorry, have we met?

358
00:16:20,661 --> 00:16:22,998
Now, we’re moving on to
the third trimester round

359
00:16:23,031 --> 00:16:26,104
where the points are doubled
and you can really fatten up...

360
00:16:26,137 --> 00:16:27,473
...your score, that is!

361
00:16:27,508 --> 00:16:30,345
[guffaws]

362
00:16:30,379 --> 00:16:31,314
Alright.

363
00:16:33,653 --> 00:16:34,622
Hey.

364
00:16:34,655 --> 00:16:37,093
You have writing
on the bottom of your shoe.

365
00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:38,095
Hmm?

366
00:16:38,128 --> 00:16:39,430
You have writing
on the bottom of your shoe.

367
00:16:39,463 --> 00:16:40,534
I know. No, I don’t.

368
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,571
Yes, you do.
Let me see that shoe!

369
00:16:42,605 --> 00:16:45,777
Not this shoe. This one says,
"Little Man’s Footwear."

370
00:16:48,248 --> 00:16:49,585
Sure, of course there’s writing
on the bottom of my shoe.

371
00:16:49,619 --> 00:16:52,256
Because, because that’s, uh,
that’s, that’s, that’s, uh...

372
00:16:52,289 --> 00:16:54,562
That’s, that’s
my Christmas list.

373
00:16:54,595 --> 00:16:56,766
And, uh, and well, well
I can’t let you see it

374
00:16:56,799 --> 00:16:59,070
because I, I don’t want
to spoil the surprise.

375
00:16:59,103 --> 00:17:01,074
[chuckles]

376
00:17:02,209 --> 00:17:03,211
[chuckling continues]

377
00:17:08,255 --> 00:17:10,125
Ah‐ha!

378
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:13,431
Jennifer’s favorite
food is pop tarts!

379
00:17:13,465 --> 00:17:15,369
So this is your
Christmas list, eh?

380
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:18,441
’Okay, think now, if your
husband were a tree’

381
00:17:18,475 --> 00:17:21,181
’what kind of tree would he be?’

382
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:23,218
‐This is no Christmas list!
‐Ow!

383
00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,622
These are the answers
to the game show!

384
00:17:24,655 --> 00:17:25,891
You’ve been cheating!

385
00:17:25,924 --> 00:17:27,527
‐Get up here!
‐Ow!

386
00:17:27,561 --> 00:17:30,601
You know what? Cheating
is a revolting practice.

387
00:17:34,207 --> 00:17:35,644
Balki, I couldn’t help it!

388
00:17:38,750 --> 00:17:40,252
‐There’s the camera! The cam...
‐Camera! The camera.

389
00:17:40,285 --> 00:17:41,789
[indistinct muttering]

390
00:17:41,823 --> 00:17:43,827
Don’t you see? I had no choice!

391
00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:45,697
When I couldn’t match answers
with Jennifer yesterday

392
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:46,899
I panicked!

393
00:17:47,835 --> 00:17:49,739
So, so, I called "The Baby Quiz"

394
00:17:49,772 --> 00:17:51,241
and I told them I was doing
a story on the show

395
00:17:51,274 --> 00:17:54,180
and they sent me a 150
questions as research.

396
00:17:54,213 --> 00:17:57,788
And I only did it so I could
win a scholarship for my child.

397
00:17:57,821 --> 00:18:00,827
Cousin, I’m sorry, but
I cannot condone this cheating.

398
00:18:00,861 --> 00:18:02,129
I’m gonna tell Lance.
I’m gonna stop the game.

399
00:18:02,163 --> 00:18:04,902
‐Oh, you’re gonna tell Lance?
‐Yes, I’m gonna tell Lance.

400
00:18:04,935 --> 00:18:05,871
You’re gonna turn me in!

401
00:18:05,904 --> 00:18:08,743
I just hope you can live
with the consequences!

402
00:18:11,916 --> 00:18:13,687
What consequences?

403
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,324
A child’s shattered dreams.

404
00:18:16,357 --> 00:18:18,697
A child’s pain,
his sorrow, his agony!

405
00:18:19,397 --> 00:18:21,267
Look, Balki! Look!

406
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:22,738
On that, on that college campus

407
00:18:22,771 --> 00:18:26,946
you see happy students off to
their first day of class!

408
00:18:26,979 --> 00:18:28,917
Oh, but, but there’s
one little boy

409
00:18:28,950 --> 00:18:30,621
who, who just stands
and watches.

410
00:18:30,654 --> 00:18:32,389
It’s Larry Junior!

411
00:18:33,526 --> 00:18:35,596
And the other students
just point

412
00:18:35,631 --> 00:18:37,499
and laugh as they
go on their way.

413
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:40,741
They’re, they’re playing
keep‐away with his dreams.

414
00:18:42,911 --> 00:18:44,447
And he wants to go to class.

415
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,284
He wants to go but he can’t!

416
00:18:46,317 --> 00:18:48,923
He can’t because his Uncle Balki

417
00:18:48,957 --> 00:18:52,396
robbed him of his
college scholarship!

418
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:54,802
Oh, look, Balki, look! Look!

419
00:18:54,835 --> 00:18:56,939
He’s, he’s,
he’s starting to cry.

420
00:18:56,973 --> 00:18:58,108
Look...

421
00:18:58,141 --> 00:19:02,851
His, his little tears dropping
into his empty notebook.

422
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:04,989
Look.

423
00:19:05,022 --> 00:19:06,424
You see him, Balki?

424
00:19:07,393 --> 00:19:08,930
Do you see him

425
00:19:08,963 --> 00:19:10,767
crying out there?

426
00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:13,740
Oh, God! My boy.

427
00:19:16,011 --> 00:19:17,614
[sobbing]

428
00:19:17,647 --> 00:19:19,785
Help him, help him!

429
00:19:24,093 --> 00:19:25,997
You know what?

430
00:19:26,031 --> 00:19:27,466
There’s nothing out there.

431
00:19:29,972 --> 00:19:32,009
There’s just nothing out there.

432
00:19:33,178 --> 00:19:36,652
You always point, I always look.

433
00:19:36,686 --> 00:19:38,656
There’s nothing out there.

434
00:19:41,796 --> 00:19:44,568
I’ve just realized this is
a sick game you’ve been

435
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:47,073
playing with Balki for six years
and I’m tired of it.

436
00:19:49,010 --> 00:19:50,513
Just tired of it.

437
00:19:50,546 --> 00:19:52,951
Now if you’ll excuse me,
I’ll be getting those

438
00:19:52,985 --> 00:19:54,688
answers off the bottom
of your foot.

439
00:19:58,061 --> 00:19:59,832
Since you became
pregnant, ladies

440
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:01,903
are you most comfortable
sleeping on your side...

441
00:20:06,077 --> 00:20:09,017
[humming "Baby Quiz" theme song]

442
00:20:23,045 --> 00:20:26,217
Larry, I’m glad Balki
turned you in. You deserved it.

443
00:20:26,251 --> 00:20:29,724
Actually, Jennifer, I didn’t
have to turn Cousin Larry in.

444
00:20:29,759 --> 00:20:31,963
The game show people saw
the writing on his feet

445
00:20:31,996 --> 00:20:33,031
when we knocked the booth over

446
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:35,937
and they had to pry us out
with the jaws of life.

447
00:20:39,644 --> 00:20:41,014
If you ask me,
those game show people

448
00:20:41,047 --> 00:20:42,985
take their jobs
way too seriously.

449
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:45,322
Oh, I don’t know, Larry.

450
00:20:45,355 --> 00:20:48,662
They did let Balki and me finish
the game with another couple.

451
00:20:48,696 --> 00:20:50,633
And we did win that
college scholarship

452
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,038
for...little Robespierre
or Marge.

453
00:20:55,209 --> 00:20:58,081
Come on, Mary Anne. Let’s get
something to eat. I’m hungry.

454
00:20:58,115 --> 00:20:59,785
Good news, I hid some
cookies in the cupboard.

455
00:20:59,819 --> 00:21:01,321
‐Found ’em.
‐Ice cream in the fridge?

456
00:21:01,354 --> 00:21:02,791
‐Had it.
‐Pastrami in the pantry?

457
00:21:02,825 --> 00:21:03,827
Ate it.

458
00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:07,801
Well...

459
00:21:07,835 --> 00:21:10,239
...Balki...I did it again.

460
00:21:12,209 --> 00:21:14,648
And I reached
for the brass ring...

461
00:21:16,151 --> 00:21:19,825
...wound up with a...bill
for a broken

462
00:21:19,859 --> 00:21:21,929
Plexiglas sound‐proof booth.

463
00:21:25,369 --> 00:21:27,306
Well, cousin, there’s
nothing wrong with wanting

464
00:21:27,339 --> 00:21:29,845
a college education
for your child.

465
00:21:29,879 --> 00:21:32,383
It’s just the lying, cheating

466
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:35,255
deceitful way
you went about it.

467
00:21:35,289 --> 00:21:39,832
But anyway, I, I got them
to give you a parting gift

468
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:41,802
just as if you were
an honest contestant.

469
00:21:44,741 --> 00:21:47,246
‐You got me a parting gift?
‐I surely did.

470
00:21:47,279 --> 00:21:49,751
Well, that’s very nice of you.

471
00:21:49,784 --> 00:21:51,021
What’d you get me?

472
00:21:51,054 --> 00:21:52,089
Tell them, Johnny!

473
00:21:53,927 --> 00:21:56,665
"The Baby Quiz Home Version!"

474
00:21:56,698 --> 00:21:57,868
Now, Cousin Larry Appleton

475
00:21:57,901 --> 00:21:59,337
can play "The Baby Quiz"
every night!

476
00:21:59,370 --> 00:22:01,041
Back to you, Lance!
Thank you, Johnny.

477
00:22:01,074 --> 00:22:02,243
Oh, no, thank you, Lance!

478
00:22:02,276 --> 00:22:04,213
[laughs]

479
00:22:09,223 --> 00:22:10,225
Alright!

480
00:22:11,896 --> 00:22:14,834
[theme music]

481
00:22:20,245 --> 00:22:23,251
That’d be lower half and again,
I mentioned you get no points.

482
00:22:26,057 --> 00:22:29,263
Larry, I get leg cramps
every night.

483
00:22:29,297 --> 00:22:31,869
Where have you been
the last 32 weeks?

484
00:22:31,903 --> 00:22:33,471
Do we know each other?
Have we met?

485
00:22:33,506 --> 00:22:35,242
Hey, this is j‐just
the first question.

486
00:22:35,275 --> 00:22:36,477
And the next question
is probably going to be

487
00:22:36,512 --> 00:22:38,782
something about
food cravings and, and

488
00:22:38,816 --> 00:22:40,954
I happen to know you have
a thing for ice cream.

489
00:22:40,987 --> 00:22:42,757
‐Pop tarts.
‐Pop tarts. I knew that.

490
00:22:44,393 --> 00:22:45,563
’Johnny?’

491
00:22:45,596 --> 00:22:48,101
We’ll be right back after
a message from our sponsors.

492
00:22:48,135 --> 00:22:52,076
Ladies, unsightly varicose veins
got you down?

493
00:22:52,109 --> 00:22:54,814
Try new flesh‐colored
Hidey Hose.

494
00:22:56,351 --> 00:22:58,088
One size fits all.

495
00:22:58,121 --> 00:22:59,992
Back to you, Lance.
Thank you, Johnny.

496
00:23:00,025 --> 00:23:01,061
No problem, Lance.

497
00:23:01,094 --> 00:23:02,329
[laughs]

498
00:23:02,363 --> 00:23:04,834
Who am I? Alright.