[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ Ooh oh ooh ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s going to stop me now ♪
[theme music]
Mary Anne! Mary Anne! He’s almost here!
The mailman’s almost here!
He’s only three doors away and he’s got
the letters that we’ve been waiting for!
‐Oh! Oh! ‐Oh!
(Larry) ’Oh, hey, hey! Oh.’
What’s Balki so excited about?
Is it some, uh, Myposian holiday?
Did Mud Day sneak up on us again?
Mud Day is not until next week
but if I were you two, I’d be getting my hats ready!
’Oh!’
Well, uh, mail call.
Why, look at this, Mary Anne.
You and I got a letter from "The Baby Quiz" television show.
‐Oh! ‐And...
Look, Jennifer and Cousin Larry got a letter from them, too.
What a completely unplanned coincidence!
Well, what would some stupid game show want with us?
Well, how would we know? Why are you staring at us?
Why are you boring holes through us
with your accusing, questioning eyes?
What, what makes you think we know?
We, we don’t have a clue. Do we have a clue?
‐Clueless! Clueless! ‐Clueless! Absolutely clueless!
And we don’t appreciate the insinuation.
Well, something tells me you’re behind this, Balki.
[sniggers]
Whatever... What‐what‐whatever would you say that for, cousin?
Well, the address says "Jennifer and Cousin Larry Appleton."
Well, I guess you caught us with our pants on.
Um, when Mary Anne and I found out that "The Baby Quiz" show
was looking for new contestants
we thought it would be wild, wacky, whimsical fun
for both families to be on at the same time.
So, after filling out 800 of our own applications...
...we quickly scribbled out one for you.
Open yours first. The suspense is killing me!
‐We were accepted! ‐Hot doggy!
Now we all can be on together!
No, we won’t.
We were rejected.
Oh, Balki!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Now there, there, my little cement mixer. Don’t be sad.
Now, listen.
Just because we filled out Cousin Larry and Jennifer’s
winning application and, and had 800 of our own rejected
that’s no reason to be upset.
Right?
We are very...
...ha‐ha‐happy for you.
[sobbing]
Well, thank you, Balki, but, uh
I‐I don’t think we’ll be going on "The Baby Quiz" show.
I am not about to let my wife
and unborn child be exploited just so that we can win
a year’s supply of baby wipes.
Larry, I think it would be fun.
No! No, no!
My mind is absolutely made up.
Balki, why, why don’t you take this letter
and try to go on in our place?
Cousin...
I am so touched.
It is so generous of you to give up your chance
to win your child a college scholarship.
College scholarship?
To the school of your choice.
Well, you know, it does have our name on it
and we don’t want to, uh
deceive those nice game show people.
So I guess, uh, we will be going on "The Baby Quiz" show.
I don’t want to do this. Why do we have to do this?
Come on, Larry. It’ll make ’em happy,
Hello, everybody!
Let’s give a big "Baby Quiz" welcome
to our host, Lance Edwards!
It’s really Balki.
["The Baby Quiz" theme music]
Thank you.
He’s wearing my suit.
And welcome to "The Baby Quiz".
The show that poses the age‐old question
"Hey, you’re havin’ a baby and now what?"
[guffaws]
Alright, I’m Lance Edwards
and this is my lovely "Baby Quiz" co‐hostess, Tyanna.
‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo. ‐Kootchie‐kootchie‐koo.
‐Mwah! ‐Mwah!
Oh!
Alright, Tyanna, let’s meet our first contestants.
Please welcome Larry and Jennifer Appleton
from Chicago, Illinois.
Jennifer is eight months pregnant
and hasn’t seen her feet since February!
’Thank you, Tyanna.’
As you know, this is how "The Baby Quiz" works.
We’ll ask you questions about your pregnancy
while your spouse is secured in our soundproof booth.
’Tyanna?’
Later on, we’ll reunite you
and we’ll see how your answers compare.
The couple with the most matches wins. Isn’t that something?
Tell them what they’ll win, Johnny!
A trip to Mexico!
Our winning couple will fiesta and frolic
at the fabulous Corona del Corona Hideaway!
They’ll swim in crystal tide pools
and enjoy sumptuous meals at the Cafeteria Corona.
’All prizes non‐transferable, subject to availability.’
Holidays and weekends excluded and it’s all for you
from "The Baby Quiz!"
Back to you, Lance! Thank you, Johnny.
Oh, no, thank you, Lance!
[giggles] Wow!
Alright, round one.
Each question’s worth ten points.
Tyanna, has Cousin Larry Appleton
been secured in the special soundproof booth?
[laughs]
All secured!
Alright!
Jennifer, we’ll start with you.
’Jennifer, you’re lovely.’
I love the crazy little flip in your hair.
You and I had chatted backstage
and you’d mentioned that, uh, this has been
a particularly difficult pregnancy for you.
Is that right?
And that you’ve been under a lot of stress
and you’ve developed kind of a quirky little nervous tick.
Is that right?
Come on, let’s see it.
’Let’s see your little nervous tick.’
’There it is and it’s adorable!’
Well, you’ll be happy to know the first question
has nothing to do with your crazy, quirky little tick.
Jennifer...since you’ve been pregnant
which part of your body hurts the most?
Is it your upper half... or your lower half?
It’s my lower half. I get terrible leg cramps.
Alright, let’s bring back Cousin Larry Appleton
and see how well he knows the mother of his child.
[laughs]
Alright!
Alright, Cousin Larry Appleton, it’s good to have you back.
Your wife is lovely.
And you and I were chatting backstage earlier.
And you mentioned to me that one of your greatest fears...
...is that your unborn child might inherit
your short, stubby legs and your hammer toes.
Your hammer toes. Father had them, they’re no fun.
’You’ll be happy to know...’
’...your first question...’
[laughs]
Alright!
Your first question, we asked Jennifer
"Jennifer, since you’ve been pregnant
"which part of your body hurts the most?
Is it your upper half or your lower half?"
Easy question.
She has constant headaches and a stiff neck.
Definitely upper half.
Ooh! I’m sorry!
No, she said that she had leg cramps.
That’d be lower half.
Larry, I get leg cramps every night.
Where have you been the last 32 weeks?
Do we know each other? Have we met?
Hey, th‐that’s just the first question.
Th‐the next question’s probably going to be something about
food cravings and‐and I happen to know
you have a thing for ice cream.
‐Pop tarts. ‐Pop tarts, I knew that.
[upbeat music]
Larry, this is making me nervous.
We played this game with Balki for two hours yesterday
and didn’t get a single answer right.
We’re gonna make fools of ourselves on television.
We are not going to make fools of ourselves on television.
Look, if we just answer the questions
the way we practiced this morning
everything will be fine.
What if they don’t ask those questions?
I have a hunch they will.
Hey, hey, hey! Here’s my lucky contestants!
How are you? Ha, ha, ha.
Oh‐oh! Who’s got a bun in the oven, huh?
[laughs]
Alright.
I‐I‐I guess that would be us.
Uh, Larry and Jennifer Appleton.
Well, nice to meet you, Appletons.
[laughs]
Mary Anne, it’s‐it’s him!
It’s Lance Edwards!
And you must be my other lucky contestants.
No. We applied, but we were unfortunately overlooked.
Eight hundred times.
But we have front row tickets!
Lance, I’m sorry. I just cannot keep it to myself any longer.
You are my favorite game show host!
Uh, Lance, we have a problem.
Yeah, don’t worry, I can handle him.
No, no, uh, the other game show contestants went into labor.
They’re on their way to the hospital.
Ooh, well, that’s too bad.
I guess that means, uh, we win by default.
Uh no, no. Actually, that happens all the time.
We’ll just, uh, pick another couple from our studio audience.
‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! ‐Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Alright. Here’s kind of a kooky thought.
How about you two?
Oh, Lance! That’s a dream come true!
‐Lance, capture the moment. ‐Oh, sure.
‐You got to advance it. ‐Oh, alright!
[instrumental music]
Alright, everybody! It’s time to play...
‐The Baby Quiz! ‐The Baby Quiz!
So daddies, if you’ll follow our hostess, the lovely Tyanna
to our soundproof booth
we’re going to ask your wives a series of questions
and then bring you back out to see how your answers compare.
[both laugh]
‐Alright! ‐Alright!
Alright. Jen, we’re prepared, we’re gonna be great, right?
Right.
[upbeat music]
Tyanna. I’ve always wanted to meet you.
I read your book.
And I thought your layman’s slant
on the Middle East was mesmerizing.
I especially liked that chapter called
"There’s No Such Thing as Too Much Moisturizer."
You have no pores in your skin, do you?
Hey, cousin, can you believe it?
We got inside the booth!
It’s kind of like a big fish tank, isn’t it?
Alright. Let’s begin "The Baby Quiz."
I hope they could get a good shot of this
on the special booth camera.
Special booth camera?
Yeah, it’s a special camera
and they have it focused on the booth.
It’s called "The Special Booth Camera."
’Cause they love to get
shots of the daddies making fools of themselves.
Well, they are not going to get any shots of you
or me making fools of ourselves, alright?
So let’s just, let’s just, keep quiet.
Why we have to keep quiet? It’s a soundproof booth.
Nobody can hear us.
Let’s see if it works.
Mary Anne!
Ladies, how much weight have you gained
so far during your pregnancy?
Cousin, it really does work!
Well, I’ll be my uncle’s monkey!
We can say anything you want!
Mary Anne!
Okay, alright, that’s enough.
That’s enough, alright?
Let’s just, let’s just keep quiet now. Okay?
Let’s just be quiet and just behave ourselves.
Whoa!
Those lights are so bright
they hurting my eyes.
Studio lights have to be bright...
Yeah, but they’re so bright, I can’t even look anywhere.
Don’t stare into them.
‐Don’t stare into them. ‐What am I gonna look at?
‐Look at something else. ‐There’s nothing I can see.
Just look at something else.
I’m gonna look at something else?
Look at something else, you’ll be fine.
‐Alright. ‐Huh...
Cousin, you know what the problem is?
Those lights draw me.
They draw me. They are penetrating.
They fascinate me. I cannot stop!
I know they’re frying my retinas.
But I just cannot take my eyes off them! I’m trying to be good.
I’m trying to look where you told me to look.
But I cannot! I cannot! Look at those lights!
Alright. Alright. Okay. Okay.
Cousin, if I don’t change places with you
I’m gonna go out of my mind!
Alright, let’s switch places.
‐Let’s just switch places. ‐Alright, alright.
And just sit down and please
just try not to embarrass me.
Jennifer, what animal will your husband say best describes you
during your pregnancy?
Animal describes you during your pregnancy?
Why hide behind a question, Lance?
Let’s face it, I’m, I’m a whale.
Ooh!
What are you doing?
Well, I’m trying to get comfortable.
This chair is like iron.
You sat in this for all that time and you...
This is unbelievably uncomfortable! It’s so hard!
It’s like, what is this? Is this some kind of torture instrument?
And it looks just like the chair I was just in.
That’s the interesting bit.
I mean... Any... With my...
If I lean...
Maybe if I just kind of lean...
Could I put my head partially on, on you, maybe?
Alright, let’s switch places.
No, I don’t want to switch places.
Let’s switch places.
No, I don’t want to switch places.
I like my new place.
Because when I sit over there, the light’s in my eyes.
‐Alright, fine. ‐I like my new place.
I don’t have any problem with where I am.
‐Fine. Fine. ‐It’s the chair I want.
I have to have that chair in order to be comfortable
because this chair is some kind of iron maiden torture thing
and I don’t like it.
‐Impossible to get comfy. ‐No.
‐Well, I want that chair. ‐No.
‐Just give me the chair! ‐No.
Cousin, I want that chair!
I’m gonna go crazy if I don’t get that chair!
Now get out of it!
Stop it! Stop it! Put it back! Put it back!
Stop it! Stop it!
Listen to me! Listen to me!
Cousin Larry is not switching chairs!
Cousin Larry is not moving!
In fact, Cousin Larry is just going to sit here
and pretend that he doesn’t even know you!
Cousin.
I’m sorry, have we met?
Now, we’re moving on to the third trimester round
where the points are doubled and you can really fatten up...
...your score, that is!
[guffaws]
Alright.
Hey.
You have writing on the bottom of your shoe.
Hmm?
You have writing on the bottom of your shoe.
I know. No, I don’t.
Yes, you do. Let me see that shoe!
Not this shoe. This one says, "Little Man’s Footwear."
Sure, of course there’s writing on the bottom of my shoe.
Because, because that’s, uh, that’s, that’s, that’s, uh...
That’s, that’s my Christmas list.
And, uh, and well, well I can’t let you see it
because I, I don’t want to spoil the surprise.
[chuckles]
[chuckling continues]
Ah‐ha!
Jennifer’s favorite food is pop tarts!
So this is your Christmas list, eh?
’Okay, think now, if your husband were a tree’
’what kind of tree would he be?’
‐This is no Christmas list! ‐Ow!
These are the answers to the game show!
You’ve been cheating!
‐Get up here! ‐Ow!
You know what? Cheating is a revolting practice.
Balki, I couldn’t help it!
‐There’s the camera! The cam... ‐Camera! The camera.
[indistinct muttering]
Don’t you see? I had no choice!
When I couldn’t match answers with Jennifer yesterday
I panicked!
So, so, I called "The Baby Quiz"
and I told them I was doing a story on the show
and they sent me a 150 questions as research.
And I only did it so I could win a scholarship for my child.
Cousin, I’m sorry, but I cannot condone this cheating.
I’m gonna tell Lance. I’m gonna stop the game.
‐Oh, you’re gonna tell Lance? ‐Yes, I’m gonna tell Lance.
You’re gonna turn me in!
I just hope you can live with the consequences!
What consequences?
A child’s shattered dreams.
A child’s pain, his sorrow, his agony!
Look, Balki! Look!
On that, on that college campus
you see happy students off to their first day of class!
Oh, but, but there’s one little boy
who, who just stands and watches.
It’s Larry Junior!
And the other students just point
and laugh as they go on their way.
They’re, they’re playing keep‐away with his dreams.
And he wants to go to class.
He wants to go but he can’t!
He can’t because his Uncle Balki
robbed him of his college scholarship!
Oh, look, Balki, look! Look!
He’s, he’s, he’s starting to cry.
Look...
His, his little tears dropping into his empty notebook.
Look.
You see him, Balki?
Do you see him
crying out there?
Oh, God! My boy.
[sobbing]
Help him, help him!
You know what?
There’s nothing out there.
There’s just nothing out there.
You always point, I always look.
There’s nothing out there.
I’ve just realized this is a sick game you’ve been
playing with Balki for six years and I’m tired of it.
Just tired of it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be getting those
answers off the bottom of your foot.
Since you became pregnant, ladies
are you most comfortable sleeping on your side...
[humming "Baby Quiz" theme song]
Larry, I’m glad Balki turned you in. You deserved it.
Actually, Jennifer, I didn’t have to turn Cousin Larry in.
The game show people saw the writing on his feet
when we knocked the booth over
and they had to pry us out with the jaws of life.
If you ask me, those game show people
take their jobs way too seriously.
Oh, I don’t know, Larry.
They did let Balki and me finish the game with another couple.
And we did win that college scholarship
for...little Robespierre or Marge.
Come on, Mary Anne. Let’s get something to eat. I’m hungry.
Good news, I hid some cookies in the cupboard.
‐Found ’em. ‐Ice cream in the fridge?
‐Had it. ‐Pastrami in the pantry?
Ate it.
Well...
...Balki...I did it again.
And I reached for the brass ring...
...wound up with a...bill for a broken
Plexiglas sound‐proof booth.
Well, cousin, there’s nothing wrong with wanting
a college education for your child.
It’s just the lying, cheating
deceitful way you went about it.
But anyway, I, I got them to give you a parting gift
just as if you were an honest contestant.
‐You got me a parting gift? ‐I surely did.
Well, that’s very nice of you.
What’d you get me?
Tell them, Johnny!
"The Baby Quiz Home Version!"
Now, Cousin Larry Appleton
can play "The Baby Quiz" every night!
Back to you, Lance! Thank you, Johnny.
Oh, no, thank you, Lance!
[laughs]
Alright!
[theme music]
That’d be lower half and again, I mentioned you get no points.
Larry, I get leg cramps every night.
Where have you been the last 32 weeks?
Do we know each other? Have we met?
Hey, this is j‐just the first question.
And the next question is probably going to be
something about food cravings and, and
I happen to know you have a thing for ice cream.
‐Pop tarts. ‐Pop tarts. I knew that.
’Johnny?’
We’ll be right back after a message from our sponsors.
Ladies, unsightly varicose veins got you down?
Try new flesh‐colored Hidey Hose.
One size fits all.
Back to you, Lance. Thank you, Johnny.
No problem, Lance.
[laughs]
Who am I? Alright.