1 00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:05,360 SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.' 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,040 I don't think you know where you're going, you, love. 3 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,160 You're taking me all over the bloody place. 4 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,120 SAT-NAV: 'Immediately make a U-turn.' 5 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,520 I can't do a U-turn, I'm in the middle of the road, love. 6 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:21,440 SAT-NAV: 'Please turn right and make a U-turn.' 7 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:22,640 It's not that one. 8 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,480 SAT-NAV: 'The route is being calculated.' 9 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:25,600 Where are we going?! 10 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,120 - Where is this now? - SAT-NAV: 'Prepare to turn right.' 11 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,320 OK. I'm prepared. I'm prepared. 12 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,960 I've been round here twice. 13 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,240 SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.' 14 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,880 This is ridiculous, this. 15 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:42,600 SAT-NAV: 'Please follow the road for three quarters of a mile.' 16 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,080 Yeah. I've passed these houses twice. 17 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,680 That dog were a bloody puppy. 18 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,880 Now where are we? Absolute piss take. 19 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,200 SAT-NAV: 'The route is being calculated.' 20 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,720 Me and you are going to fall out. 21 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,560 I'll tell you that right now. 22 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,600 Would have been easier pulling into the garage and getting a bloody map. 23 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,640 SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.' 24 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:03,680 HE HONKS THE HORN 25 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,960 Just wait there. Whoa! Play the game. 26 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,600 SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.' 27 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,360 Last chance. 28 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,040 SAT-NAV: 'Please turn left. 29 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:18,560 'At the end of the road and then immediately turn left. 30 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:21,280 'You have reached your destination.' 31 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,800 Well this is a dead end! I can't go down here. 32 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,400 SAT-NAV: 'Now, go straight.' 33 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:28,040 Argh, you're off your tits. 34 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,280 Right, well, if this isn't it, you can bloody walk to work. 35 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,440 SAT-NAV: 'You have reached your destination.' 36 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,200 Finally. This is it. 37 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,800 What's up? You sulking now, are you? 38 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:50,760 DOORBELL RINGS TO TUNE OF 'SINGLE LADIES' BY BEYONCE 39 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,320 - Hi! - Hi there, you all right? - Did you find me all right? 40 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,080 - Not a bother, straight to the door. - Coolio. 41 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:15,480 I'm actually a bit nervous, I've never been in a car with a stranger 42 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:19,200 before. Well, I know you're not a stranger, but you know what I mean. 43 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,480 Do you mind if I turn the radio on? 44 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,520 Go for it. 45 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:26,560 TALK RADIO 46 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:32,920 MUSIC RADIO 47 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,400 I love this. 48 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,960 So do you think this car share thingy's going to work? 49 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,520 Not if we have to listen to THIS every day. 50 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,600 I love Forever FM, they play timeless hits, now and forever. 51 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,240 I wouldn't say Martika's Kitchen was timeless. 52 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,000 Well, you remembered it. 53 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:59,240 RADIO: # My desire's running Longer than a country mile 54 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:03,640 # So true, you can Make all my wishes. # 55 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,600 So why do you think they're doing this? 56 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:09,440 - Doing what? - Car sharing. 57 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,160 Apparently it's good for the environment. 58 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,040 That and the fact we haven't got enough car park spaces at work. 59 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:20,120 # In Martika's kitchen, baby... # 60 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,840 Here, stick your drink in there. 61 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,280 Watch yourself, it doesn't fit all cups, don't force it. Ah! 62 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:37,960 You're having a laugh! You're having a laugh! 63 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,880 I'm so sorry, I'm mortified, John. 64 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,760 I'm... It's not a good start, is it? 65 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,520 No, it's not a good start, not at all. 66 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:49,840 Not at all a good start. What is it? Red Bull? 67 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,160 Is it Red Bull? Fennel? Sweet and sour? 68 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,320 It smells of sweet and sour. What is it? 69 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,280 It's just a sample. 70 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,040 A sample, a sample of what? 71 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,200 My urine. 72 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,560 It's in my mouth! It's in my mouth! 73 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,240 I've got your piss in my mouth. 74 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,520 - I'm so sorry. - What is happening? 75 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,440 Why have you got a sample in that? 76 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,240 That's why it's called a sample, you put it in sample pot, love, 77 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,520 you don't put it in a pop bottle, with a sports top. 78 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:16,560 I'm sorry. 79 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:20,320 I had no choice, our Kieran's taken my funnel to Basra. 80 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,280 Too much. Oh, my God, I stink. 81 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:26,360 That explains the sweet and sour, doesn't it? You dirty... 82 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,840 I'm not dirty, thank you very much, John. 83 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,520 I use a funnel for hygiene reasons, so it doesn't go on my hands. 84 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,880 I don't need to know that! 85 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,600 It's all right for you, you can just aim. 86 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,040 40 minutes I was squatting through Daybreak. 87 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,080 Oh, my God, I don't believe this. 88 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,600 Turn round, I'll go back and dry your shirt in my dryer. 89 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:42,680 I've no time for that! 90 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,040 I've got an appraisal at half nine with Dave Thomson 91 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,120 and I walk in stinking like a gents' piss stones. 92 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:54,960 RADIO: 'At Clear Vista Windows, 93 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,320 'we're shattering prices on our UPVC windows and doors. 94 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:02,040 'And smashing the cost of our cosy conservatories.' 95 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,080 Did you? 96 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,000 Did I what? 97 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,040 Run the world. 98 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:17,000 RADIO: 'You have to guess who it is. This is so easy, Katie. 99 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,000 - 'Can you put them in the toaster - Absolutely. Here we go. 100 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,280 'So then, in the toaster 101 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,240 'this morning we have a major Hollywood star.' 102 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,480 - Nearly dry. - Aye, still stinks, though. 103 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,400 It's making me hungry. 104 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,160 How am I going to explain the smell? 105 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,720 You could say you got mugged. 106 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,360 Mugged? What kind of a sick mugger throws piss on you? 107 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,560 You could wear my cardi? 108 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,680 I'll pass, thanks. 109 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,240 - RADIO: - 'Looking OK so far this morning, 110 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,200 'there are a few things to mention, though. 111 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,280 'On the M60 at junction 3 we have a few delays 112 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:03,600 'because of a broken down car. 113 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,600 'It is just being recovered now, so hopefully that will be sorted soon. 114 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,160 'The M6, we've got roadworks there, 115 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:11,040 'heading northbound between junction 22 and 24. 116 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,520 'So a bit of a queue there. It will add about 20 minutes 117 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,520 'onto your journey, particularly if you're using the M6 there. 118 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,840 'And in the city, Luke Street is closed this week, so delays around 119 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,120 'the Blackhurst...' 120 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,680 - Nearly dry. - Is it? Very good. 121 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,320 Are you going on holiday this year? 122 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,880 - No. - Did you go anywhere last year? 123 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,480 - No. - Year before? 124 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:46,000 - No. - Blooming heck, you don't get out much, do you? 125 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,760 I've been busy working, all right? 126 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,480 I went away the year before, if you must know. 127 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,520 - Where did you go? - Malta. 128 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,440 Oh, nice, did you go to Bugibba? 129 00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:00,200 - Bugibba. - BuGIbba. - Bugibba. - Bugibba. 130 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,840 Yes, I did. 131 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,920 Who did you go there with? 132 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,480 Erm, I went with my ex. 133 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,040 - Do I know him? - Him?! 134 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,760 Does he work at our place? 135 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,600 He?! He?! 136 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,000 Sorry, I thought you were gay. 137 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,400 Gay? I'm not gay, in any sense of the word, right? 138 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,560 OK. Fair enough. 139 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,400 Touched a nerve. 140 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,600 What made you think I were gay? 141 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,040 Well, you're always on your own. 142 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,760 - 'KIN HELL! AND?! - And you live with your mum, don't you? 143 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,720 No, I... No, I do not live with my mum, thank you. 144 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,080 Well, it was Diane off non-foods, she said you were gay. 145 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,480 Did she? Did she indeed? Well, I'll be having bloody words with 146 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,560 Diane off non-foods, casting aspersions. 147 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,080 Oh, don't say I said anything, it was at the Christmas party 148 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,440 last year and you got up to I Am What I Am. 149 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,680 - AND?! - And you were dancing a bit too enthusiastically. 150 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,200 Mother of pearl! 151 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,520 The world's gone mad, when a man can't dance to Gloria Gaynor 152 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,000 without being accused of being a 'omosexual. 153 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,280 A what? An 'omosexual? It's homosexual, John. 154 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,680 Christ, I can't even speak now. 155 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,880 Don't be telling Diane, she'll be telling everyone 156 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,480 - I'm a big gay mute next. - All right, Freddie, keep your vest on. 157 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,760 - Freddie? - Mercury. Sat there in your gay man's vest. 158 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:13,360 And whose fault's that? Throwing your piss all over me. 159 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:22,840 # Oh, I love to love But my baby just loves to dance. # 160 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,800 Look at the state of this. 161 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,840 There you go, it's perfect, that. Good as new. 162 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,840 Apart from the clearly obvious piss stain. 163 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,200 - Say it's coffee. - Yellow coffee? 164 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,320 Custard? 165 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,320 Mustard? 166 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,080 Korma? 167 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,800 Just pull your jacket to, you won't see it. 168 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:52,960 I did me best. 169 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:55,720 Thank you. 170 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,680 Apology accepted. 171 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,280 So, what was she called, your ex? 172 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,200 SHE! She was called Charlotte. 173 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,040 That's a nice name. 174 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,760 Were you with her for long? 175 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,040 Long enough. 176 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:22,400 Did she break your heart, were you gutted? 177 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,360 Do you still speak to her or do we hate her now? 178 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,480 I appreciate your interest, Kayleigh, but some other time, eh? 179 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,200 I've enough on my mind today. Covered in piss. 180 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,920 Understood, Jonathan. 181 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,200 All we need. 182 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,760 Whoa, whoa, whoa. This bugs me now, look at this. 183 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,160 Adult crossing here. It's a kids' crossing. 184 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,600 He's on his own. He's no kids. 185 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:04,000 Chancer! It shouldn't be allowed. Judas. 186 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,680 I must remember to pick up some Mach 3 for our Kieran. 187 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,080 Who is that, your boyfriend? 188 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,560 No, my brother. 189 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,840 Oh, right, does he live with you? 190 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,160 Yeah, on and off. 191 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,400 He's in the army, so he's always away a lot. 192 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:23,000 I bet that's tough. Has he ever seen any action? 193 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,400 I hope not, he's a chef. 194 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,000 I'm surprised you're not courting. 195 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,520 Courting?! How old are you? 196 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,960 - You know what I mean. - Courting? 197 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,880 Seeing somebody. 198 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,760 No. No, I'm not. 199 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:43,240 Don't judge me, but I've just started this online dating thing. 200 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,280 I'm not judging you. 201 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,960 It's just so hard to meet someone when you get to my age. 202 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,280 What age is that? 203 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,240 John! You don't ask a lady her age. 204 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,200 36. 205 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,880 Yeah, it's a last resort, to be honest. Heartsearches.com 206 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,120 - Oh, yeah. I've heard of them. - Oh, have you? 50 quid joining fee. 207 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,840 - Bit steep, ain't it? - I know. 208 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,920 I'm hoping it'll weed out a few chavs. I don't want no scrubs. 209 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,200 Fair enough. 210 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:17,000 My problem is, my clock's ticking now and my eggs are already nearly 211 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,520 past their use-by date, if I don't get a spurt on, they'll be whoopsed. 212 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,600 All right. A bit too much information. 213 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,480 Women need to think about these things, John. It's all right for 214 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:29,560 men, you can reproduce into your 80s - look at Des O'Connor. 215 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:33,760 It's cruel. It's cruel on the woman. It's cruel on the baby. 216 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:37,120 Before long, she's going to be changing two sets of nappies. Ugh! 217 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,880 - I suppose. - I hate it when old people smell of wee. 218 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:44,360 Aye, but you're all right with me stinking of it, aren't you? 219 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,560 I said I was sorry, didn't I? Anyway, you can't even smell it now. 220 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,040 The smell's gone. 221 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,720 What are you doing? Give over. 222 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:54,040 - Have a bit more. - Now I smell like a brothel cat. Stop it. 223 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:59,000 Cheeky fish, it's Jade Goody's Shush, this. 50 quid a bottle. 224 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,600 RADIO: 'Forever FM weather. With Lancashire Scrap Metal. 225 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:08,560 'If the outlook is rubbish, call Keith on 08081570075. 226 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:14,160 'So, here it is, the Forever FM Golden Hour, with hits and 227 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,880 'headlines from a chosen year. 228 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,280 'Today, it was the year that the Poll Tax was abolished 229 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:21,000 'and Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen, tragically 230 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,000 'died of AIDS while Julia Roberts was Sleeping With The Enemy. 231 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,400 'Sounds like Freddie might have been as well. It's the Golden Hour from 232 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,760 'the year this band were Losing Their Religion, 233 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,120 'but what is the year?' 234 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,160 1991. 235 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:39,160 RADIO: # Oh life, it's bigger It's bigger than you 236 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,000 # And you are not me... # 237 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,120 Aw, there he is, 238 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,800 the pride of Britain. 239 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:51,800 Two, four, six... He's pushing his luck, isn't he? 240 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,280 20 trolleys. 241 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,120 Everyone knows that the maximum is 14. 242 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,560 You all right, Ted? 243 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,240 Overworked, underpaid and no time off. 244 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,480 Can you manage? You've got a lot of trolleys there. 245 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:09,280 - I got it, son. - Hiya, Ted. - Morning, my love. 246 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,200 Aw, I love ol' Ted. 247 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,000 Have you finished with my shovel? 248 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,680 Thursday. 249 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,000 Thursday, yeah. He said that last week. 250 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,640 Right. Have a good day. 251 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,520 You too, see you in a wee while. 252 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,480 In you go. This shouldn't be open. 253 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:30,520 Thank you. 254 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:44,120 It was that black it was purple. I better go. 255 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:45,520 I'll text you later, OK? 256 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:50,160 - Bye-bye, bye-bye. Sorry, I didn't know you were in here. - Yeah. 257 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,200 - I was stood by the door. - It's all right. 258 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,600 Clunk, click, every trip. 259 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,480 Yeah. 260 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,080 Good day? 261 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,520 Lovely day. 262 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,440 Aw, love old Ted. 263 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,320 Still got my bloody shovel. 264 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,360 What is it with Ted and this shovel? 265 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:13,080 - He's got my bloody good snow shovel. - It's not snowing! 266 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,000 It's not the point. He's had it for ages. 267 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,320 Since we had that bad snow. 268 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:17,640 Why do you have a shovel? 269 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,840 In case of emergencies. 270 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,520 And a blanket and some rope. 271 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:24,680 Some rope? 272 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,000 You never know, do you? 273 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,920 Well, I've got my bags for life. And some party feet. 274 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,200 What? 275 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,760 - RADIO: - 'Hair, fashion, beauty. 276 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:41,320 'At Cut Above Hair Salon we don't just cut your hair, 277 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,720 'we make love to it. 278 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:47,080 'Our world-class creative stylists know all the latest haircuts.' 279 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:49,280 Did I talk too much this morning? 280 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:53,400 I was a bit nervous, were you nervous? I always talk too much 281 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,840 when I'm nervous, it's a really bad habit, I just tend to waffle on 282 00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,440 and on because I can't stand awkward silences, I'm always 283 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,680 trying to fill the gap. Anyway, it won't matter now, 284 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,760 because there won't be any awkward silences 285 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,240 and if there ARE any silences, they won't be awkward. 286 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,600 - RADIO: - 'On the roads, looking like a busy one tonight. 287 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,080 'The M6 causing problems again. 288 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,760 'Long delays from junction 21 for no real reason, 289 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,320 'just volume of traffic.' 290 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,960 How was your day? 291 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,720 Well, it could only get better after piss-gate. 292 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,240 Piss-gate? Oh, yes, and? 293 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:26,240 Well, nobody seemed to notice the smell, thanks to Miss Jade Goody. 294 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,440 And I managed to blag a fresh shirt off non-foods. 295 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:29,840 Saw your mate Diane. 296 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,720 You didn't say anything, did you? 297 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:35,560 No, I couldn't, I'm a big, gay mute, remember? 298 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,600 Sorry. 299 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,800 - RADIO: - 'What's up, Suze? You look well depressed. - You're right, Dad. 300 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,680 'I am. I just don't know which college to choose. 301 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,240 'There's too many options. I think my head is going to well explode. 302 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,760 'That's how I felt, until I discovered Brillington College. 303 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,360 'It's really wicked, Suze. 304 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,440 'It's got a good on its OFSTED report, 305 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,120 'which is one below outstanding. 306 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,640 'And the courses it offers are really varied, 307 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,080 'from media studies to animal husbandry, 308 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,800 'theatre and make-up design, to applied mathematics. 309 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,480 'Perfect for someone like you. 310 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,040 'It sounds rad! 311 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,960 'Brillington College, where brilliance is almost our name.' 312 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,360 And you listen to this everyday? 313 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,800 It plays good music. 314 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,720 MUSIC: C'est La Vie by B-Witched 315 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,760 # I said, hey, boy Sitting in your tree 316 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,160 # Mummy always wants you To come for tea 317 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,080 # Don't be shy Straighten up your tie... # 318 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,760 I can't Irish dance, but I can Morris dance. 319 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,760 I'm quite good at it, I'll show you later. 320 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,160 - It's my party piece. - That's your party piece? 321 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,080 - AS CILLA: - And I do a good Cilla Black impression. 322 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,480 Surprise, surprise, our John. 323 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,760 I'm in your car. 324 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,960 And we're gonna have a lorra, lorra laughs, me and you. 325 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:09,120 And here's our Graham with a quick reminder... 326 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,320 - You sound like Miss Piggy. - I can do that too. 327 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,440 - AS MISS PIGGY: - Kermy. Kermy, baby. Kermy. Hi-yah! 328 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:20,320 It's a belter that, I bet your parties are swinging. 329 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,640 I bet your New Years are swinging, aren't they? 330 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,680 - RADIO: - 'Hello, Doctor. - Hello, Mary 331 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,920 - 'How can I help? - Oh, I don't know what's wrong with me. 332 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,000 'I've been proper down in the dumps. 333 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,080 'I see. Depressed? Can't be bothered? 334 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,560 - 'Lack of energy? - Exactly. What could it be, Doctor? 335 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,520 'It's obvious, you need a brand-new shed from the Shed Surgery. 336 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,840 - 'A new shed, I can't afford a new shed. - You'd be surprised.' 337 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,280 Mary doesn't want a shed! 338 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,560 She wants a shag, not a shed. 339 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,400 So how was your appraisal? 340 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,560 Went well, actually, they talked about moving me 341 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:05,920 forward for a promotion. 342 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,120 And they're putting me in charge of Christmas. 343 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,160 Oh! 344 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,240 That's fantastic, well done. 345 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,840 184! 346 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,240 184 what? 347 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,560 Sleeps till Christmas. I love it. 348 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,240 Oh, right. Basically, it means I've got to organise the store, 349 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,800 they're giving me a trial run at the busiest time of the year. 350 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,360 I've got to get a Christmas team together. 351 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:29,120 Me! Can I be on your team? I love Christmas. 352 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:32,360 I've not had chance to think about it, you know, I've only just been told. 353 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,240 I'd be perfect. You'll need someone good in promotions 354 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,640 to get everyone going. That's me. 355 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,400 And it'll make a nice change from handing out free Snack-a-jacks 356 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,880 all day long. 357 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,720 I'm really excited for you. 358 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,840 I love Christmas, I've started doing my Christmas CD already, 359 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,160 - shall I bring it in tomorrow? - Not in this car. 360 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,600 # Step into Christmas Step into Christmas 361 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,000 # De ba da da da Da da da da da da da! # 362 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,240 - What's your favourite Christmas song? - Not that one. 363 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,840 # Bah, humbug But that's too strong 364 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,000 # Cos that's my favourite Christmas song 365 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,920 # Merry Christmas Merry Christmas. # 366 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,840 All right. All right. Enough now. 367 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:09,560 # Cos we'll be driving Home for Christmas 368 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,440 # I can't wait to see those faces! # 369 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,440 Seriously, don't do that. Don't do that. 370 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,800 # Driving home for Christmas! # 371 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,160 All right. All right. I'm driving a vehicle, all right? 372 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,560 All right, Grinch! Where's your festive cheer? 373 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:20,640 I just... I don't know. 374 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,800 I just can't stand people singing in my face. 375 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,080 - What, when you're driving? - No, any time, freaks me out. 376 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,160 - What? Christmas songs? - Any songs. - Why? 377 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,600 I don't know, it just goes through me. 378 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,000 Did something happen as a child? 379 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:38,000 - Erm... Don't know, can't think of anything. - How weird. 380 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:45,320 I had a bad experience once at a girlfriend's house on Christmas Eve. 381 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,040 Oh, God! I'll never forget that. 382 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,480 Why, what happened? 383 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,080 Her family had a piano and they all got up and started singing. 384 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,040 All got round it singing carols and harmonising, 385 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,720 - I could have died of embarrassment. - Oh, I'd LOVE that! 386 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,920 I knew you'd say that, it was proper uncomfortable for me. 387 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,640 Why? What's wrong with you, it's Christmas Eve, for God's sake. 388 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,200 Cos they were all too polished. 389 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:08,000 Eyes and teeth smiling, knocked me sick, singing right in my face. 390 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,640 # Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen. # 391 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,080 I swear, I physically had to run out of the house. 392 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,080 Was that Charlotte? 393 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,120 No, no, that was Anna. 394 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,280 - And was she before? - Yeah. 395 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,000 Are you courting now? 396 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,480 No, I'm not courting now. 397 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,880 Bloody hell, you're a right nosey bitch you, aren't you? 398 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,880 What?! I'm just making chitty-chat, we can't drive in silence. 399 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,680 I can, I used to. 400 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,000 Was it serious? 401 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,000 - Where did you meet her? - Where did I meet her? 402 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,800 Er... I met her on a train, yeah. 403 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,160 I went for an open day at uni, she was on my train, 404 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,680 we got chatting and then we bumped into each other later 405 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,440 when they were showing us round the campus, we just hit it off. 406 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,280 Then we travelled back together on the train and shared a Wimpy. 407 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:02,800 Oh, that's romantic, meeting on a train. You're like Jake Gyllenhaal 408 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,920 and Michelle Monaghan in Source Code. 409 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,000 - What? - Source Code, it's a film, it was on Film Four the other night. 410 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,400 Never seen it. 411 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,680 You need to go watch it, John. It's really good. 412 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:15,200 He is trapped in another man's body on a train for the last few 413 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,360 minutes of his life and he falls in love with her, but he keeps 414 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,800 having to go back in time again and again to foil a bomber. 415 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:24,240 We were on a sprinter to Crewe, there was none of that going on. 416 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,760 Shall I tell you what happened? 417 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,480 No, no, I might watch it. 418 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,000 It's a bit disappointing really. He died. 419 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,600 Oh, well, there you go. Anyway, we spent the day together. 420 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,920 - Have you seen him in Prince of Persia? - Who? 421 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,520 - Jake Gyllenhaal. - No, I don't know the man. 422 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:40,720 He's gorgeous. 423 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,360 He's got beautiful blue eyes, you'd know him if you saw him. 424 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:46,400 I always get him mixed up with Bradley, what's his face? Bradley? 425 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,000 - Walsh? - No, was in the A-Team? 426 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,800 - Mr T? - Bradley... Bradley... 427 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,360 He was in the A-team, Mr T. 428 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,560 - Bradley... - Wiggins? - You're just being silly now. 429 00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:01,800 I'm not being silly, you asked me a question about my life, then when I start telling you, you start 430 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,760 going on about Bradley Gyllen-thall or whatever and his film career. 431 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:05,800 Go on, then, 432 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,760 tell me what happened, did you love her, did she give you butterflies? 433 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,280 Erm... Well, we went out for ages, you know. 434 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:12,680 I was fond of her. 435 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,600 I did have funny feelings in my stomach. 436 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,480 And then I threw up on my hand in Woolworths. 437 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,080 - Turned out to be food poisoning. - Love sick. 438 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,880 No, I had a dicky half-pounder on the way home, that's what it were. 439 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,200 From Wimpy. 440 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,560 - Did she get it? - Many times. 441 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:28,240 Oh, the food poisoning? No, she had a bean burger, 442 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,840 she was a vegetarian, weren't she? 443 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,280 Probably still is, knowing her. 444 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,880 Do you still see her? 445 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,160 No, not for years now, she's married. She's got two kids, I think. 446 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,520 Why did you split up? 447 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:44,480 - She got in uni, she met someone else. - And did you not go? - No, I never. 448 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,680 I used to go up and see her in halls, 449 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,200 but I didn't fit in with all her student friends, 450 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:54,120 there were all giving it ACID and that, drugs, it weren't my scene. 451 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:58,120 - Have you ever dabbled? - I was a drugs mule once. - A drugs mule? 452 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:01,560 Seriously, I smuggled 500 E's to Glasgow on a Virgin cross 453 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,600 country without even knowing. 454 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:07,120 I had no idea my ex had sewed them into my gusset. 455 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,480 - Knob rash! - What a shithouse. That's a dangerous game to play. 456 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,680 Don't worry, I got my revenge, I planted cress seeds under his bed. 457 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,960 - Why? - You've got to think long term, John. 458 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,840 I sewed prawns into the hem of his curtains 459 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:24,800 while he was at work, or dealing, as we later found out. 460 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,640 School caretaker, my eye. 461 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,200 - He was a drug dealer and you didn't suss? - No, idea! 462 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,160 I just thought he was popular. He paid for everything in cash, 463 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:35,240 he was always going to the toilet, I thought he had cystitis. 464 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,760 What else did you do? 465 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,640 I opened every ring pull on all of the beers in his fridge 466 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:41,560 so they'd go flat. 467 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,440 I painted clear nail varnish on the back of his credit cards 468 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,560 - so they declined. - Mind you, I don't blame you, 469 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,400 if the police had searched your crotch, you'd have got sent down. 470 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,320 I wasn't wearing them, John, they were in my vanity case. 471 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,280 Still, it's bang out of order. 472 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,840 And then I found out he was poking my cousin in Wrexham, 473 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,280 and I don't mean on Facebook. 474 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,080 What an arsehole. You're best rid of him. 475 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,960 I parked up outside his school, opened the car doors 476 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,600 and had Alanis full blast. 477 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,880 - Alanis? - Morisette. 478 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,280 # Cos I'm here To remind you 479 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,760 # Of the mess you left When you went away 480 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,640 # And are you thinking of me When you ... her? # 481 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,680 I hate him. 482 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:36,480 # Now, baby come on Don't claim that love 483 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:42,200 # You never let me feel I should have known 484 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,560 # Cos you brought nothing real 485 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:50,720 # Come on be a man about it You won't die 486 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:57,880 # I ain't got no more tears to cry And I can't take this no more 487 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:01,960 # You know I gotta let it go 488 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,840 # And you know 489 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,840 # I'm outta love Set me free 490 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,600 # And let me out this misery 491 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:16,680 # Just show me the way To get my life again 492 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,320 # Cos you can't handle me... # 493 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,920 I had an e-mail from HR. Hey, are you listening? 494 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:25,040 - What? - I had an e-mail from HR this afternoon, 495 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,640 I see the car share scheme seems to have been a success. 496 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:28,960 Oh, yeah. I heard. 497 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,560 They said you can change your buddy if you're not happy. 498 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,440 Right. Right. 499 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:37,440 How about you? 500 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:41,560 - What? - Car sharing. What do you feel about it? 501 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:42,880 How do YOU feel about it? 502 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,520 Yeah, it's good, yeah. Do you want to try a new buddy? 503 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,040 Oh, right. 504 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:55,200 I suppose it makes sense to mix it up a bit, share with new people. 505 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,080 Yeah. I guess. 506 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,200 Are you going to ask for a new buddy? 507 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,200 Well, I want to keep my parking space. 508 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,200 Oh, right. Yeah. 509 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:11,520 Anyway, if you're going to be sharing with someone else... 510 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,560 Me? No, I'm happy sharing with you. 511 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:21,160 Oh, right, yeah. I am. I mean, me too. 512 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:22,480 Good. 513 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,280 'Forever FM.' 514 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,360 OK, here we are, home sweet home. 515 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,960 Got my romantic meal for one again. 516 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,320 Oh, yeah? What are you on? 517 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,440 Good For You Chicken Korma. Might throw a few chips on with it. 518 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,040 - Oh, yeah? - What about you? 519 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,720 Er... I've defrosted a lamb stew. 520 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,800 Oh, get you, Ainsley. 521 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,240 I try. 522 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,360 You up to anything nice? 523 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:09,400 Nah, check my planner, I've got a couple of Brian Coxes need watching. 524 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:14,120 Well, maybe you could have a little think about your Christmas team 525 00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:16,040 and all the fun we're going to have. 526 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,040 WE? I haven't even had chance to think about it, 527 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,640 let alone get a team together. 528 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,120 I know, but if you don't pick me 529 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,200 I'll tell everyone you've asked me to wee on you. 530 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:28,880 Get out of my car, you piss-throwing psycho. Go on, off. 531 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:31,440 See you in the morning, you big, gay mute. 532 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:35,040 Hey! I am what I am! 533 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,080 Happy Christmas. 534 00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:44,720 # Every single day every single day That I'm without you 535 00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:47,520 # Hurts a little bit Hurts a little bit 536 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,480 # Just a little bit more 537 00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:52,400 # Just a little more Just a little more 538 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:56,400 # Than I've ever been hurt before 539 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:03,280 # Every single day, every single day That I'm without you 540 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:06,040 # Hurts a little bit Hurts a little bit 541 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:10,800 # Just a little bit more. #