1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:10,000 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,800 Three divers to go then and this is 3 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,000 Darren Croll of Australia. 4 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,000 Oh, that's a good dive. 5 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:39,600 642.2 and now Petit of Canada. 6 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,480 Oh, even better! This final really hotting up. 7 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,960 Now the favourite, John Smith for Great Britain. 8 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,960 - What can he do? - ..A running bomb. 9 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,000 Oh, terrific! The crowd love it. 10 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,640 And so do the judges. 11 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,720 Top bombing. 12 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,440 Would you welcome, please, Peter Kay. 13 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:08,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,600 Hello! Hello! 15 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,080 - Let me put my stuff down. - Hello! 16 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,120 - Oh, I'm on your foot. - You are. 17 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,280 I stood on your slip-on. How are you, David? 18 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,440 It's over now. You can relax. 19 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,800 - I'm coming round. Coming round. Let me get sorted out. - What's this here? 20 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,440 - Stick this here a sec. - What...? 21 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,920 Stay there. How are you? 22 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,760 I'm doing all right. 23 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,880 - Hello. - How are you? 24 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,520 Hello. Nice to see you. 25 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,800 - Let's get started. - Let's get started. - Are you all right? 26 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,560 - I'm all right, mate. - Got some stuff. Let's get sorted out. 27 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,400 Well, I brought a bag of treats, didn't I? 28 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,720 Because it was your last show, I thought we'd be having a laugh. 29 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,560 - Presents? - I've got party hats here. 30 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,480 Stick one of them on. 31 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:20,640 Tablecloth. I thought you'd have had a big table, though, when I got that. There you are. 32 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:25,080 You know, kick our heels up a bit. Enjoy ourselves. There you are. 33 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:26,840 Get stuck in. 34 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,880 Blow on that. Go on. Go on! 35 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,280 Yes! That's what you want! 36 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,720 Hang on. 37 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,200 Here you are. Look at that. 38 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,920 - What's that? - Victoria sandwich. 39 00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,480 I bet you've said that a few times, ain't you, eh? 40 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,600 I've got some plates an' all. 41 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,520 There you go. 42 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,120 Is it that way up? Got a knife. 43 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,240 I thought, you know, we were having a laugh. 44 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:07,000 - French fancies. Got them here. - Oh, dear. - Got the lot here. Cordial. 45 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,040 - What else have you got? - Cordial. Some cordial in there. 46 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:15,400 - You want a drink, David? Do you want a drink, David? Do you want a hat? - I don't think so. - Want a hat? 47 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,040 Got a party popper here for David. One of them, mate. Come on. 48 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:20,920 Here you are. Hoorah! 49 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:25,000 - Now you're talking! This is about you, this. - I know. 50 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,040 - This is your last one, man. - I know that. 51 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,480 Put it on, go on. Because this is it. 52 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,040 - What else is there? - You've had them all on here, haven't you? 53 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,600 - I've had them all on here. - Fred Astaire. - Yeah. - Bette Davis. - Yeah. 54 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,840 - Rod Hull. - Yeah. 55 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,320 - Morecambe and Wise. - The two of them. 56 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:45,240 You're the kiss of death, aren't you, when you think about it? 57 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:46,880 You know what I mean? 58 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,640 How long have we got? You know what I mean? 59 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,680 We're not on cos we're good, we're on cos we're alive. 60 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,520 Thank God you're on. I thought I were the youngest. 61 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:57,880 It's like Cocoon, this. 62 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,080 Geraldine! 63 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,320 Her journey began right here. 64 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:10,360 Since taking her Pop Factor crown, she has become a... 65 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:17,800 This is the incredible story of... 66 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,000 'You're listening to Chorley FM. 67 00:04:56,000 --> 00:05:01,520 'I'm Paul Le Roy coming in your ears and here's Yazz and she's going Up! 68 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:05,320 'The Phoenix Club in Bolton has its grand reopening tonight with 69 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:09,160 'chart-topping pop band Half A Shillin' and TV's own Roy 70 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,960 '"It's the way I tell them" Walker, 71 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,960 'who'll be cutting the ribbon at 7.30. 72 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,920 'Tickets are £15 each - that includes supper and bingo.' 73 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,520 # We've been broken down 74 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:23,400 # To the lowest turn 75 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:24,600 # And been... # 76 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:28,720 - You holding these or what? - Shut up. 77 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,640 - Chuck us that hammer. - Here you are. 78 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,040 - You going bald? - No. 79 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:36,840 You can see your head through your hair. 80 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,560 - It's always been like that. - Since when? - Since for ever. 81 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,080 My hair, it's very fine. 82 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,680 - It's thin. I don't know about fine, it's thin. - It's not thin. 83 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,280 - It's not thin, all right? - It's anorexic. - Oh, shut it. 84 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:50,200 - Oh, dickhead! - Here, these are for tonight. Brian says you've got to wear them. - What are they? 85 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:55,240 - Headsets. - Headsets? - Sets? For your head? 86 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,040 It's all down here, "Grand Gala Opening of the Phoenix Club." 87 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:04,280 - Yeah, very good. - Smithills Brewery. - Who's Brain? - Brain? - Brain Potter. Brain Potter. 88 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,760 And on the back, Brain Potter. 89 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,960 Brain Potter on the front, Brain Potter on the back. A disgrace! 90 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:13,560 - Pop-up. - Pop-up? What club's that? Whose club's that? 91 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,200 That's not my club, son. 92 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,240 - Ta-da! - Who the hell's that? 93 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:23,160 - Who's that supposed to be? - It's you. - Get it off. Get it off now. 94 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,280 Stick 'em up your arse. 95 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,880 - How is she? How's your nan? - Oh, she's fine. 96 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:32,040 - I've got your present for you. - Have you? - Oh, she's great. She's fantastic. 97 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,840 - Me and his nan are like that. - Here you go. She sent you that. 98 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:37,800 - Have a go at that. - Thank you. What is it? - 66 now. - Is she? - Mm-hm. 99 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,200 - Is she well? - Yeah, she's cracking. She's lovely. 100 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,920 - Does she still watch the programme? - Yeah, she watches you. 101 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,520 She won't be next week cos you're off, aren't you? 102 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,720 Come on, have a look. She got you this specially. 103 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,520 She had one of these spare for you. 104 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,480 - What is it? - What is it? Is when you... 105 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,800 Put it on, round your neck. You know when you're in a warden... 106 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,400 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Round your hat. 107 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,240 - Take my hat off. - It's for when you're in a warden-controlled flat. 108 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,480 You know what I mean? 109 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,960 Touch your button there. 110 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,720 That's what you do. 111 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,760 - They come running, do they? - Yeah. 112 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,160 If Mary's in the garden 113 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,840 and you keel over watching Cash In The Attic... 114 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,840 - ..push that and that's it, you see? - What a very nice idea! 115 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,080 - And I've got you something now. - What have you got? 116 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:27,400 I got you something because you've got to... Now you're hanging it up, 117 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,480 you've got to keep active, you know what I mean? 118 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,200 I don't want you going stiff. 119 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,800 You've got to keep going and I've got you... 120 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,640 Here, you'll love this. 121 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,560 - Stand up. Stand up. - Oh, God. It gets worse. 122 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,240 I've got you a job. 123 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:42,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Here you are. 124 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,160 Put that on. There you go. 125 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,280 Put your arm in here. 126 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:55,040 Oh, yeah! Hang on. Wait there. 127 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,680 20 minutes. 128 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,880 20 minutes in the morning. 129 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,320 It's a primary school. It's a primary school. 130 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:11,160 20 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes at night. That'll be you. 131 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:15,520 Go on. Oh! That's it. Go on. 132 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:19,080 Go on. Go on. 133 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,560 Thank you. Thank you. 134 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,200 - I know why you want one of them headsets. - Why? 135 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,600 You don't want to mess up your hair. HE CHUCKLES 136 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,440 - What hair you've got left. - Don't. 137 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,480 Hey, baldy. 138 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,400 Baldy bouncer. 139 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:43,320 - Leave it. - Baldy, baldy. Baldy. 140 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:46,840 - Baldy, baldy, baldy. - LEAVE IT! - Oi! Oi! 141 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,760 That's it. Every last one of them. 142 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,560 GLASS SHATTERING 143 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,920 Shine a light. What were that? 144 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,760 HE GROANS 145 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,120 Max! 146 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:01,160 - Is he all right? Has he fell? - Jesus Christ. Help me, will you? 147 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:02,960 Get up, you girl. 148 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,200 Took my mum for a big shop today. 149 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,600 We always go Asda, because we can park in that parent-and-child bit 150 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,000 at the front of the shop. 151 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:19,320 I'm with my mum. They don't put an age range on it, you might as well. 152 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,640 You're right at the front of the shop, it's beltin'. 153 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,360 At least you know where you parked when you come out. 154 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,400 You're not like them dads that can't remember. 155 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,360 I love seeing dads when they come out. They've no short-term memory. 156 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,240 When the car is parked there and they come out... 157 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,040 "Car's gone. Bloody car's gone. 158 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,000 "Jean. Jean, car's gone." 159 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,360 They do that dad run that dads do. I love that. 160 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,040 Where they don't actually move any quicker. They just... 161 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,720 Have you seen that? "Jean." 162 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:50,600 "Bloody car's gone. Sierra... Sierra's gone." 163 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,160 You might as well walk. What's that?! 164 00:09:56,040 --> 00:10:00,840 "Jean, bloody car's... It's gone. We've had it." 165 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:06,560 I love seeing people running for buses and then they miss them, 166 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,000 and then pretend that they didn't want them. 167 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,640 What's all that about?! 168 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,840 - Anyway, how was your make-up party? - Virgin V. 169 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,280 It's next Monday. I got my weeks wrong. 170 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:31,600 - I just went dogging instead. - Come again? - Eh? 171 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,240 - What? - Virgin V, it's next Monday. 172 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,040 Bugger the Virgin V. You went dogging? 173 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,640 Yeah, went with Ken my neighbour. There was nothing on telly, 174 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,280 so we just went up the back field. 175 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:44,000 - Dogging? - Yeah. - As in dogging? 176 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,440 - Yeah, dogging. - Well... 177 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:51,720 - Well, you've opened my eyes. - What do you mean? - You went dogging? - Yes! 178 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,080 - And who's this Ken fella? - Ken, my next door neighbour. 179 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:59,360 - He's in his 80s now, but he's very active. - Sounds like it. 180 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,240 Beautiful blue eyes. 181 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:02,840 I think that's the glaucoma. 182 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,040 I have to link him through the woods. 183 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,320 I bet you do. 184 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:07,720 Dirty old bastard. 185 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,440 What?! What's your problem? 186 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:10,480 Nowt. 187 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,280 It is a shame for him, though. 188 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,760 He usually takes Maggie, but she's on her last legs. 189 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,600 - Who's Maggie? - His cocker. 190 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:19,840 A cocker? 191 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:20,960 Spaniel. 192 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,560 A dog? 193 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:23,880 Well, what else? 194 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,640 So dogging's with a dog? 195 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,280 Are you slow, John? 196 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,400 Of course dogging's with a dog. What else would dogging be? 197 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,120 So you didn't have sex outdoors with people watching? 198 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,480 Are you out of your...?! What?! What are you...?! 199 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,440 Why are you asking me that?! 200 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,560 Sick! 201 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,000 SHE RETCHES 202 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,800 - You are sick, John. - Why? 203 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,600 You said you went dogging outdoors. What am I supposed to think? 204 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,720 In the park, with my dog! 205 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,880 Dogging with my dog, Misty. 206 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,320 So you go dog walking, you don't go dogging. 207 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,920 - Well, it's the same thing. - They're not the same thing. 208 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,760 Are they hellers the same thing. They're a million miles apart! 209 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,480 Where have you been living, on the moon? 210 00:11:58,480 --> 00:11:59,880 Dog walkers are doggers. 211 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,680 I've even got a car sticker that says, 212 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,800 "Dogging's for life, not just for Christmas." 213 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,520 People are always beeping. 214 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:08,320 I bet they are! I bloody bet they are! 215 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,920 Dogging is people outside, using a car, 216 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,200 having sex with other people watching. 217 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,240 Urgh! 218 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,680 - Where's the dog? - What dog? 219 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,160 Where's the dog in your dogging? 220 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,120 I don't know. I... 221 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,880 - I don't think there is a dog. - Well, why is it called dogging? 222 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:28,480 Don't know, but I'm telling you, dogging is not walking with dogs. 223 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:29,640 You're winding me up. 224 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:30,960 Ask anybody. 225 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,120 - Do you know what? I bloody well will. - I'm telling you. 226 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:43,400 Whoa! Can you move back, please? Can you move back, please? 227 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,600 15 quid a ticket, why can't we go around there? 228 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,040 Cos it's for VIPs only, that's why, love. 229 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:53,160 Oh, hey, it's all wrong, this. We're penned in here like cows. 230 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,880 - PADDY, ON RADIO: - 'Punch her in the face.' 231 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,880 Right, Roy, if you'd just like to get under the ribbon. Ten! 232 00:12:58,880 --> 00:12:59,920 Nine. 233 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:03,840 - ALL: - Eight, seven, six, five, 234 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:08,760 four, three, two, one... 235 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,240 MUTED CHEERS 236 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 237 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,640 Look at the lights, look at the lights. 238 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,960 Oi, love, look at the lights. 239 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:27,000 Ladies and gentlemen, and Roy, welcome to the Phoenix Club. 240 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,280 - ONE PERSON CLAPS - Yay. - If you'd like... 241 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,840 If you'd like to make your way through to the Pennine Suite, 242 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,840 "can-apes" will be served forthwith. 243 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,400 Eyeball, eyeball, I think I've got myself a convoy here. 244 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,720 '10-4, Rubberdick.' 245 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,040 Hey, less of the Rubberdick. 246 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,600 Baldly. 247 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:42,880 MAX CHUCKLES 248 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 249 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,360 Know what I love about a karaoke? 250 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,920 When you're singing on a karaoke, 251 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,320 you haven't got a clue that those were t'words. 252 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,400 I was singing Take That, Back For Good. 253 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,120 # Wash your back Wash your back 254 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,200 # Wash your back... # 255 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,720 "Want you back"?! What's this, "Want you back"? 256 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,280 I've been singing "wash your back" for 15 years. 257 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,960 It's only when you go on a karaoke and you see t'lyrics, 258 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,880 that's what they're supposed to be singing! 259 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,680 You know that song, We Are Family? 260 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,840 For years, I thought they were singing, 261 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:13,320 "Just let me staple the vicar." 262 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,920 Right? Who's right and who's wrong here? Listen. 263 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:20,240 # All of the people around us they say 264 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,040 # "Can they be that close?" 265 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,360 - SOUNDS LIKE: - # Just let me staple the vicar... # 266 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,960 That's what they sing! 267 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,640 "Just let me staple the vicar." 268 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,160 What's all that about? 269 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,600 # Just let me staple the vicar... # 270 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,960 "We're giving love in a Femidom." 271 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,920 - SOUNDS LIKE: - # We're giving love in a Femidom 272 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,480 # We are family... # 273 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,000 You know Duffy? Duffy, the Welsh songstress? 274 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,200 Last three years, 275 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,800 I thought that poor cow were begging me for birdseed. 276 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,640 LAUGHTER 277 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:08,160 - SOUNDS LIKE: - # I'm begging you for birdseed, birdseed 278 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:12,160 # I'm begging you for birdseed, birdseed... # 279 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,920 Apparently, it's "mercy". I thought it were birdseed! 280 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:20,000 I'm on t'karaoke with it, "Birdseed, birdseed!" 281 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,600 "Mercy"? 282 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,640 - MAX, OVER RADIO: Patrick, can you hear me now? - Yeah. 283 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,320 Hang on. Can you hear me now? 284 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:29,960 Hear you? I can see you, you dick. 285 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,080 Can you hear me now? 286 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:34,920 Yeah, you'll have to go further than that. 287 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,040 They're dear, these, you know. 288 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:38,160 Can you hear me now? 289 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,680 LAUGHTER 290 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,640 # I can't go on 291 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,040 # Thinking 292 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,560 # Nothing's wrong... # 293 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,560 Drive, by The Cars. A beautiful song. 294 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,480 They used this on Live Aid, do you remember? 295 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,000 They showed it over this harrowing footage 296 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,280 of these starving Ethiopians. 297 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,160 ONE PERSON CACKLES 298 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,240 LAUGHTER 299 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,200 HE MOUTHS 300 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,400 If you listen closely, they're actually singing about pork pie. 301 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,160 Pork pie, swear to God! 302 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,680 # Thinking 303 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,280 # Nothing's wrong 304 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,440 - SOUNDS LIKE: - # Pork pie. # 305 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:23,600 LAUGHTER 306 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:29,520 I pledged money, me. "Pork pie"! I pledged money! 307 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:34,040 'Can you hear me now? Paddy, can you hear me now?' 308 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,320 Yeah, where are you? 309 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,720 'I'm here, look. I'm on the bus, on the bus.' 310 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:41,200 Look, I'm here. Hey, look, I'm on the bus! Hey! 311 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,040 Hey! Look, I'm on the bus. Hey! 312 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,640 LAUGHTER 313 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,560 - MICHAEL JACKSON: - # You are not alone. # 314 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,120 Can't believe it, can you? You know what I mean? 315 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:14,880 He should have been on here. 316 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:21,120 PARTS OF AUDIENCE "OOH" 317 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:28,240 Apparently, according to Michael, your burgers are the best. 318 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,880 # I can hear your prayers 319 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,320 - SOUNDS LIKE: - # Your burgers are the best. # 320 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,240 He must have had one of their burger vans. 321 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,960 You know they have at funfairs? 322 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,080 Doing steak Canadians and hot dogs. 323 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,160 Speaking of hot dogs... 324 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,640 # Near 325 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,280 # Far 326 00:17:56,280 --> 00:18:00,480 # Wherever you are... # 327 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,360 I believe the hot dogs go on. 328 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:11,360 - SOUNDS LIKE: - # I believe that the hot dogs go on. # 329 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,320 He's got a bit of rivalry, eh, Michael? 330 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,960 Celine's peddling hot dogs. 331 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,080 It's on his patch. 332 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,000 How did you get on with Misty, being at work all day? 333 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,400 She's a house dog. She's very lazy. 334 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,360 Ken nips round at lunchtime. 335 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,400 What, has he got a key? 336 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,520 - Yeah. - You gave him a key to your house? - Yeah. 337 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,000 - Why? - In emergencies. 338 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,160 He nips in at lunchtime, lets her out the back, 339 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,040 she has a little run round. 340 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,600 Sometimes, if he's going for a walk, he'll take her with him. 341 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,760 You're very trusting, giving him a key. 342 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,480 It's Ken, what's he going to do? 343 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,040 - Dance round with your knickers on his head. - Ugh... 344 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,520 You're bad-minded, John, that's your problem. 345 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,280 Well, you leave a camera set up, you'll soon find out... 346 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,160 Yes, we will soon find out. 347 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,760 Never mind You've Been Framed, it'll be Ken Goes Dogging. 348 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,200 Right, pull over now. 349 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,240 - What? - Just pull over here, quick. 350 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,280 Why? What's up? Oh, come on, I was only having a laugh. 351 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:13,960 Excuse me. 352 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,080 Yeah, you. Excuse me, have you got a minute? 353 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,840 You know him? 354 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,520 - Who is he? - Hello! You're beautiful, aren't you? 355 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:25,680 You out with your daddy? You're beautiful. How old is she? 356 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:29,520 - She's just six months. - Aww. - Bloody handful, I can tell you. - Aww. 357 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:33,080 - Listen, would you mind settling an argument for us? - Go on. 358 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:35,560 Would you describe yourself as a dogger? 359 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,960 Oh, sorry, bud, she don't mean any offence. 360 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:41,000 - Don't listen. - Is this a wind-up? - No, no, not at all, not at all. 361 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:44,520 - Oh, God. - So, why do you ask? Are you both, erm, doggers? 362 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,400 Well, I am, he just thinks I'm some kind of weirdo. 363 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,280 Most natural thing in the world! I've done it for years. 364 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,600 - How I met the wife. - Aww. 365 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:53,880 See? 366 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,480 And where do you do your dogging, mate? 367 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,400 To be honest, best place I've found - 368 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,320 the industrial estate after dark. 369 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,200 - Right. - Need to keep your wits about you. 370 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,240 Yeah. 371 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,160 Why, are you looking for a mate to go dogging with? 372 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,240 Me and the wife would love the company. 373 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:12,640 Yeah, don't see why not. That would be lovely. 374 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,480 See? Told you. 375 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,360 He doesn't understand the joys of dogging. 376 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:19,320 Well, he's clearly never fucked in front of a crowd, has he, flower? 377 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,880 Right, drive on. Drive on, John! John, drive, drive, drive! 378 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,160 Since you crowned Geraldine your winner, 379 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,520 she has become an international superstar, and it now seems 380 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:37,440 that everybody wants a big helping of the dinner lady-turned-diva. 381 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,120 I've not stopped. 382 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:41,920 I've hardly had time to catch my breath, which is a worry 383 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,680 because I'm asthmatic. It's been an amazing few months. 384 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,040 I've been whisked here and whisked there. Here, there and everywhere. 385 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,200 I've done more photoshoots than Max Spielmann. 386 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,240 They've had me in every position imaginable - nothing candid. 387 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:54,520 Not yet, anyway! 388 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,480 GERALDINE SNORTS 389 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,680 I met Barack Obama. Barack Obama, can you believe it? 390 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,320 He's truly an amazing man. 391 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,720 Got to sing The Winner's Song with him. 392 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,200 That was incredible. 393 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,360 But one of the highlights for me was going on Hole In The Wall. 394 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:12,000 Though my team lost - I had Mr T and Stephen Hawking. 395 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,840 No holes fit him. 396 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,240 I also got to appear with one of my favourite bands of all time, 397 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,320 Take That. I was a special guest on their show. 398 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:21,800 Please welcome Geraldine! 399 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,120 That was amazing. They were lovely, lovely men. 400 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,840 Gary, Howard, Jason and Mark - met them all. 401 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,960 I can't believe it. Look at me, stood here with Take That! 402 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,480 I can't believe it! 403 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,600 And then I had to do a little bit of a quiz. 404 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,680 Which member of Take That would like to ride me like a donkey? 405 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:42,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 406 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:43,800 Now, come on! 407 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:49,000 - You can ride us all, Geraldine. - All of you. Form a queue. 408 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,520 I was getting down off the boxes and then Mark grabbed me 409 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,040 and pulled me on top of him! 410 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,240 What's he like? I was on top of him in the studio, straddling him. 411 00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,600 I nearly crushed him to death! 412 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,840 Unbelievable. What does he think I am, a machine? 413 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,960 And can you believe I got a call from the lovely 414 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,920 Stella McCartney asking if I could turn on the Christmas lights 415 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,160 at a shop in Mayfair? 416 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,680 We had to pay so much for this appearance. 417 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,360 That was a very glamorous night. 418 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:18,600 Stella is such a lovely person, but sadly none of her clothes fit me. 419 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,760 Everybody was there. I got to meet Lulu. 420 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,840 That was ironic because I ordered my very fist Cross Your Heart Bra 421 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,200 when she was doing the Freemans catalogues. 422 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,320 That was over 30 years ago! She still looks the same! 423 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,720 I don't know how she does it. 424 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,320 # He has a powerful weapon 425 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,800 # He charges a million a shot. # 426 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,360 And I had to go outside and flick the big switch. 427 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:42,160 You should have seen the paparazzi - unbelievable! I felt like Diana. 428 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,680 Good job I don't have epilepsy. 429 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,160 CHEERING 430 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:49,960 We sang a few Christmas songs 431 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,000 and then who would you believe showed up? 432 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,000 Sir Paul McCartney! 433 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,720 I'm sure that man's stalking me. 434 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,520 It was amazing. We sang together... 435 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:07,000 # Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. # 436 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,480 See, I knew we'd see each other again. 437 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:10,720 Special connection. 438 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,000 But I think the highlight of everything I've done so far 439 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,720 has been appearing on the Royal Variety Performance 440 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,800 in front of Prince Charles. 441 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,000 I get emotional just thinking about it now. 442 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,320 To think I used to sit at home when I was a little boy, 443 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:29,040 me and my mummy and daddy, and dream about being on it one day. 444 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,080 There I was on stage. 445 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,640 Hello. 446 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,360 Well, who'd have thought it? 447 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:40,040 Little old me on the Royal Variety Performance. 448 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,760 Now I'm about to perform in front of His Royal Highness. 449 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,200 You'll get your crown eventually - I got mine. 450 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:49,520 I met Prince Charles after. 451 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,760 I told him I had him at home on a tea towel, and would you believe? 452 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:54,240 He's got one of me! 453 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:57,120 Said him and Camilla used to vote for me every week. 454 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,680 I'd like to take this opportunity while I'm here to say thanks - 455 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,960 thanks to each and every one of the people who voted for me. 456 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,560 My journey so far has been incredible 457 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,840 and it's all because I had a dream. 458 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,240 Just like Dr Martin Luther King, I had a dream. 459 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,680 And you've got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream, 460 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,360 how else are you going to have a dream come true? 461 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,480 Meanwhile, k.d. lang's singing about arseholes. 462 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,800 - SOUNDS LIKE: - # Arseholes. # 463 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,840 LAUGHTER 464 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,360 I don't waste my evenings. 465 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,240 # What do you get when you kiss a guy? 466 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:54,760 # You get enough germs to catch pneumonia. # 467 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:57,520 After you do, he'll never bone you. 468 00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,880 I swear to God, bone you. 469 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,560 Bobbie Gentry, filth. Listen. 470 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:05,480 # Enough germs to catch pneumonia 471 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:09,560 # After you do, he'll never bone ya. # 472 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,720 HE MOUTHS 473 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,240 Filth. I've sang that in the car with my mum! 474 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:27,080 # I-I-I believe in you-ou-ou-ou-ou. # 475 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:33,680 - You going out tonight? - No, back to my mum's again. 476 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:35,640 Power-washing the stone cladding, 477 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,600 - after I've taken her to Zumba. - Oh, where does she go? 478 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:42,160 Mmm, church hall, Prestolee. Near the crematorium. 479 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:43,720 Oh, she wants to try Sh'Bam. 480 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,600 It's the new Zumba, works every muscle group. 481 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,080 She can come with me. 482 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:51,160 St Michael's Primary every Tuesday. Don't, you'll make me yawn. 483 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:52,560 How much? 484 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,160 3.50, but they test your cholesterol, as well. 485 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,760 - Who does? - Shirley's husband. 486 00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,400 Is he trained? 487 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,560 Well, he got a pack from Flora a couple of years back. He uses that. 488 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,520 - Oh, 'ey up, you're wanted here. - Oh, it's Ken from next door. 489 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:09,360 - You're shitting me. - Don't say anything, don't say anything. 490 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,000 - Hiya, Ken! - Hiya, Kayleigh! - Hello! 491 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,440 - This is John from work. - Oh, hi, John. 492 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,080 - Come in, why don't you? Come in! - This is Ken. 493 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,840 That's a hell of a grip, eh? Bet you need that. 494 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:23,360 Kayleigh, do you fancy going dogging again after Corrie? 495 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:25,400 HE CHORTLES 496 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:29,440 - You all right? - She just told me a joke, buddy. 497 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:30,880 I'll tell you it later, Ken. 498 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,880 I think we need to have a little chat, Kenneth, all right? 499 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:37,160 OK, I'll come out now, Ken. 500 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:38,200 OK. 501 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:43,040 - I'll leave that one with you, Kayleigh. - Shut up. 502 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,080 Shut up! 503 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:48,920 - I'll see you in the morning! - See you tomorrow. - Yes! 504 00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:50,400 Woof! 505 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,080 Get in there, Ken! 506 00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:55,400 Whoo! 507 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:03,680 # I-I-I believe in you-ou-ou-ou-ou. # 508 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,400 Every time I think of it, I piss myself. 509 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:12,200 - SOUNDS LIKE: - # Every time I think of it I piss myself. # 510 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,080 # You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine 511 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:35,240 # You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in. # 512 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,240 Hey, can I just tell you I do my own choreography, 513 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:39,720 in case you were wondering? 514 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,360 I can't believe you kiss your cock at night. 515 00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,840 - SOUNDS LIKE: - # Guys who likes to shine his machine 516 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:52,160 # You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in 517 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,200 # I can't believe you kiss your cock at night. # 518 00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:03,560 Can't even see mine, let alone kiss it! 519 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,320 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much! Good night. 520 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE