This programme contains some strong language.
MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen
MUSIC: Gloria by Laura Branigan
# Gloria
# You're always on the run now
# Runnin' after somebody... #
THEY MUMBLE WRONG LYRICS
# I think you got to nail down #
- # Before you start to blow it - Ba-da-da-da-da boo-doo
# I think you're heading for a breakdown
# So be careful not to show it
# You really don't remember
# Was it something that he said?
# All the voices in your head
# Calling Gloria... #
LAUGHTER
Do you ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks?
Do you ever do that?
I swear to God, now, you never get used to that.
As you get older and you dip your biscuit...
Cos you don't know when it's going to fall.
And you panic!
When it falls... It's like out-of-body.
It's like slow motion. Like, "Muuuuuum!
"Get a spoooooon!
"Me biscuiiiit's fallen in me breeeew!
"Hurry up! It's siiiinkiiiing!
"Aaaaaargh!
"Bastaaaard!
"It's burning me finger!
"Hurry uuuup!
"You're too laaaate, it's sunk!"
Rich tea are bad for that.
Rich tea are the worst ones.
They should be called BLEEPing one-dips, rich tea.
That's all you get, one dip. You have to be like lightning!
They're the worst ones, rich tea.
You have to get four together to get a good chance of getting a dip in.
They've no backbone. I'm willing them to have a bit of backbone.
"Come on!" "Oh, I can't, it's too hot, it's too hot!
"It's too hot!"
"You're a biscuit, it's your job!"
Bring the pig hither, come on.
PIG GRUNTS
MUSIC: Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere Theme
Boy, take the pig outside. Round the back. Go on, chop chop.
Come on.
Can't get the staff these days. I do apologise. Go on, chop chop.
PIG GRUNTS
Chop chop!
LAUGHTER
Boy!
PIG SQUEALS
PIG SQUEALS LOUDLY
LAUGHTER
If only she knew the danger she were in.
She's the only thing I've got left of any value now... Oh...
"She?! She?!"
- It's knackered. - It's not knackered.
When we've finished, they'll think this lad's a pig gigolo.
Hey, a pigolo.
Exactly.
Loves that. It's Geoff Capes of t'pig world.
Get that pillow thing down in there, you!
PIG GRUNTS
Come here! Come on, girl.
THEME MUSIC CONTINUES
PIG SQUEALS
- I couldn't get off! - Are you all right? - I couldn't get off!
LAUGHTER
They're on their arses, rich tea. And they're cocky! They're cocky.
They don't even fit into your cup,
you've got to bite a bit off to get 'em in your brew!
They're not like Hobnobs.
You see, that's a different class of biscuit, an Hobnob.
Hobnobs are like Marines, Hobnobs. They're like SAS.
They're like the Steven Seagal of t'biscuit world, an Hobnob.
You dip an Hobnob, it's like, "Again! Again! Dip me again!
"Dip me again! I'm going nowhere, me, son! Dip me! Dip me! Dip me!"
They drink half your brew!
"Where's me brew gone? Where's me brew?!"
"You don't dip me, I'll drink the bastard! Again! Again!"
LAUGHTER
They always leave loads of shit at the bottom of your cup.
"Ugh!"
MUSIC: GLORIA CONTINUES
# Gloria... #
THEY MUMBLE LYRICS
# On the main line
# Or will you catch him on the rebound? #
THEY MUMBLE
# Take a lover in the afternoon... #
THEY GIGGLE
# You really don't remember
# Was it something that he said? #
'I used to do this thing, it's Soft Cell,'
a band, with Marc Almond, and they did this song,
and I always imagine, when they didn't have much money, that, erm...
Marc Almond got his dad to play keyboards on the songs
when they first started. LAUGHTER
You press play, Stewart.
MUSIC: Say Hello, Wave Goodbye by Soft Cell
# Standing at the door of the Pink Flamingo
# Crying in the rain... #
TWO KEYBOARD NOTES
LAUGHTER
"Was that all right?
"Now?
"No.
"Now? No."
# You and I had to be the standing joke of the year... #
"Now?" TWO KEYBOARD NOTES
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And now he starts getting cocky now, he starts getting cocky.
SEQUENCE OF KEYBOARD NOTES
LAUGHTER
MUSIC STOPS
And I used to do that.
APPLAUSE
Eyes down, your first number...
The Apollo bingo hall.
It's 8:20am and Patrick O'Neill arrives late for work.
'I hate this job.
'This is the worst job I've ever had
'and I used to work in a Harvester, and that's saying something.'
What's got 90 balls and screws old women?
Bingo.
'I tell you, they pour in, week in, week out, same faces every time.
'Pensions burning a hole in their shoulder bags, spending every bit
'of money that they've got, loose change, life savings.'
Listen to this one, the other night,
I were up there collecting glasses, right? Nice as you please.
Down there, some woman had some kind of a fit or something,
right in the middle of the game...
Right in the middle of the game, on her back and on her arse,
eyes down, she's lying there, but everyone carried on playing.
Nobody moved. They daren't. Cos it's bingo, you can't...
Tom carries on calling, "Six and two, 62..."
I can't do his voice. Right? Shouts for a supervisor.
Supervisor, she comes running over,
gets this woman into the recovery position, right?
But everyone carries on playing. Nobody moved. Know what I mean?
Unbelievable. So everyone's carrying on playing.
Tom shouts for another supervisor to come over.
Janice comes running over to help her husband, right?
Cos he's doing two books.
He's doing his own and his wife's and he can't manage.
Crime's on its arse. You see, things have changed.
No-one's bothered.
Years ago, an alarm would go off on your front street.
You'd be out, you know, "Is everything all right?"
Giving it good neighbours. "You all right?
"Your alarm were going off...and I'm a bit of a nosy bitch."
"Are you sure? You're all right, are you sure?"
That were years ago. Now, no-one's bothered.
"Have you heard that over there?
"Two days that's been going off over there! Two bloody days, eh?
"It's a good job I'm not on nights. Have you heard that?"
They could be dead! "Look at this!
"26 bottles of milk, the greedy bastards! Look at that, eh?
"What have they got, a lion? Look at all these here!
"All t'free papers hanging out of t'door."
It's bad. Crimewatch is bad.
I said to my sister, "Do you watch Crimewatch?"
She went, "No, I don't watch it any more.
"It's not as good as it used to be."
LAUGHTER
Video fits on Crimewatch.
If you saw someone who looked like one of them video fits,
that'd stick in your mind. They're freaks.
They don't look human. They're just made-up faces.
It looks like bloody Shrek.
Shrek in a woolly hat and a donkey jacket.
LAUGHTER
If that come up behind you in the Co-op late shop,
you'd shit yourself!
Can I have 20 Berkeley Red?
"Get your hands up, mother-stickers!
"This is a fuck-up!"
Can you film that, there? Can you film him, Tom Dale?
That's Tom Dale, the King of the Callers.
Calls himself that. No-one else does.
I hate him. He hates me.
He's another one that wants rid of me.
He won't say anything, though. He's a coward.
Either that or it's cos I once saw him in Preston wearing a dress.
Whatever Tom says, goes. Staff included. Bloody bingo Mafia.
'Women love him, they idolise him.
'He had a week in Fuengirola this summer,
'attendance figures dropped by 40%.
'Ron didn't know what to do.
'He actually had to come in and do some work. Shit himself.'
He were lost. Ron's only in today cos you're here.
If you can, film Tom doing his warm-up before he goes on stage.
'He does these bloody exercises.
'He's like one of them American evangelists,
'and drinks energy drinks before he goes on.'
I don't know why, cos when he goes onstage,
he just stands there for 20 minutes.
Tom likes to be centre of attraction all the time,
especially with the ladies, definitely a ladies' man.
Tom has his favourites, I'm sure.
It seems, when the session's over, he goes and picks certain people
out he sits with, and then you can guarantee the next night, they win.
MUSIC: Let's Get Ready To Rhumble by PJ & Duncan
# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic
# Watch us wreck the mic...
# Psyche! #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'As long as you're a dolly bird, you're all right with Tom.'
I'd like to go to his caravan some night.
Yeah, see what's going on!
MUSIC CONTINUES
Thank you very much. Good evening, winners!
- ALL: - Good evening!
Good evening, losers, thanks for being...
So many of you coming tonight. Yeah, was the cemetery shut?
LAUGHTER
Big Sheila's in from Wigan. Hello, Big Sheila, love. You all right?
Yeah, hello, love.
Wigan's famous for two things - rugby players and beautiful women.
What position do you play, Sheila?
LAUGHTER
A couple of hellos before we kick off this afternoon.
Elsie? Elsie Jackson, is she in this afternoon? Elsie?
There you go, hello, Elsie, love. 78 years young today.
That's from you daughter Sandra and your sister-in-law Sharise.
Many happy returns. I tell you, Elsie, if I was ten years older...
..you'd be dead.
LAUGHTER
Reconstructions are bad on Crimewatch
cos sometimes in reconstructions, they don't use actors,
they actually use the staff that were involved in the robbery.
They get them back in and say, "We're doing a reconstruction."
As if they're not traumatised enough!
LAUGHTER
So you've got some old woman shaking like a shitting dog...
60 quid, cash in hand.
LAUGHTER
"All right... All right... You want me here?"
"And action." "Get on the floor!"
HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM
"It's happening again! It's happening again!"
That's just cruel, that, putting her back through that!
You always have some manager, right boring manager,
narrating them reconstructions. He loves it.
"I usually arrive at work about 20 to eight, ten to eight.
"That particular morning, the morning of the robbery,
"they were doing, er, road servicing works at
"the roundabout and the dual carriageway was gridlocked..."
Get on with it, son, you're up against Bad Girls, here!
Cut to t'chase, will you?
"I usually open up in the mornings when I arrive."
IMITATES SHUTTER OPENING
"Morning, Jean!"
That's wrong - Jean's been locked in!
LAUGHTER
"Morning, Jean!"
Cut that out.
"Morning, Jean." "About time and all, I've been here all night!
"I thought you were never going to come!
"I daren't move in case the alarm goes off!"
"Where's Frank? He's late this morning." Proper wooden.
Frank comes on...
OLDER VOICE: "As I was driving towards work,
"I noticed a small, white Transit van."
LAUGHTER
"It was parked diagonally across both lanes. There were..."
HE STAMMERS
"There were two men discussing something...
"There were two men discussing something.
"I don't know what it was, but they both had sawn-off shotguns.
"I couldn't, yeah, I couldn't quite see their faces clearly,
"as they were both wearing ski masks.
"I thought, that's odd, as it hadn't snowed in months."
He saw it all, him. It's bad.
They never swear when they come in as well on them reconstructions.
"Come on, get on the floor, you sponge! Come on!
"Get that flipping safe open, you melon! Come on!"
How realistic's that?
And there's a family fun day today
at the soon to be re-restored Phoenix Club in Bolton.
The fun starts at two o'clock.
You're listening to the what's on guide on Chorley FM,
where the listener comes first.
MUSIC: Keep On Movin' by 5ive
Howdy. Where do you want it?
- What is it? - Inflatable for Brian Potter.
Sounds like a good swap.
Set it up out here.
People stop at nothing to get on television now, hence...
Embarrassing Bodies. Oh, my God! What's going on with that programme?
They're not embarrassed about their bodies at all.
If you're embarrassed, you don't climb in the back of a truck
in Leeds and drop your drawers!
What's going on there? Have some self-respect!
Talk about scraping t'barrel. We're through t'wood.
See Jackie t'other week with t'hairy back?
What were all that about? It's like a werewolf.
MOCK TEARFUL: "I've had this condition for about six years now.
"I just don't know what else to do. I can't cope any more.
"Everyone's laughing at me.
"Every time I lift my breasts up, they fart."
Well, you want to get your jugs out on national television, flower.
That's your best bet. That'll solve a million problems, that will.
See that one, "My vagina's too big?"
You must have seen that one! It looked like a manhole, literally!
I swear to God! Ugh!
Close your legs, it's like an eclipse! What are you doing there?!
Flick over? I nearly kicked t'telly off t'wall!
It's pleased to see you!
LAUGHTER
How about that? You all want one, don't you?
Look, what it is, is we're struggling here.
I've sorted all this out, right? Just relax, will you?
You're twistin' me melon, man. Everyone knows what they're doing.
Everything's going to be all right.
Oh, my God! Sweet Jesus of Nazareth!
Well? What do you think?
- It's not a castle. - You never said a castle.
- We're not having that. - I said I want an inflatable.
It IS an inflatable.
It's...inflatable filth, that's what it is!
- It's almost as big as mine, that. - Where did you get it?
Big festival in Amsterdam. It's one of a set.
I've got the other in the van, do you want to see it?
- No, I do not! - We're not having that.
You're damn right we're not having it, Jerry, it's going back.
- Go on, take it. - But, Brian...
- It's a family fun day, man! - Yeah?
There's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a...
love length.
THEY SNIGGER
- On a what? - Can we not disguise it?
Yeah, yeah, we'll put a woolly hat on it and say it's you.
- It's not what it looks, Brian. - It's not how it looks?
It's a 20-foot cock and balls, man!
It don't look like nothing else!
Get me Zantac, Kenny.
It's not happening. What's so funny?
Hey, lads...
he thinks this is how you have to have it.
No, Brian. The cock's optional.
All you have to do is strap it down, whack the tarpaulin over them
and hey, presto - Sammy Snake.
"Sammy Snake"?!
It's only got one eye.
No, it hasn't.
Ta-da!
What about the balls?
Snake's eggs.
Kids love reptiles. Brian, you'll make a fortune.
Are you going to do Phoenix Nights again?
Would you go back to the old characters?
Will you do more with Geraldine or are you always looking forward?
I'm going to do something completely different.
I like doing things that I've never... You know when it's that
whole thing, if something scares you, you should do it? Argh!
LAUGHTER But the thing is...
How childish! How childish!
I was ready for that. I could see you were going to do something.
No, you saw it coming.
- Argh! - Argh!
The thing is, I'd like to do, I think...
Hey!
- LAUGHTER - Argh! - Oh, too quick.
If someone's just tuned in... Two blokes going, "Argh! Ooh! Argh!"
They'd love this in Czechoslovakia.
LAUGHTER
They'd love it.
Erm, OK, so you've got no plans to go back to anything old?
- Cos I was thinking... - Why are you rushing? Slow down.
LAUGHTER
Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.
I was thinking...
- I know, they're beautiful. - Take that home. - No.
LAUGHTER
Go easy on them crisps, Stephen. Save me some.
LAUGHTER
- Erm, Peter... - Who are you talking to? - Yes, you.
- You know I'm talking to you! - Someone said, "Yes, OK" in your ear.
- Yeah, they said... - "Get him off!"
LAUGHTER
I'm going. That's me done.
- No! - Come on! - A couple more.
No, I hate the bit when you're wrapping up. It's really...
No, no, no, don't be like that.
It's like how you tie it all up. You're not good at that.
LAUGHTER You've never been good at that.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- I won't subject myself to this. - It's only every two years.
- I know, but just come on and be nice. - One more thing, right? - Yeah.
When I'm... Argh!
Hey!
CHEERING
Damn it! Damn it!
Damn it.
I'm telling you, Jerry.
You've got to have eyes on the back of your arse in this business.
- What's that? - What's what?
- That. - Oh, that?
That's my Big Pink Paradise.
It's for the kids. Come on, I'll show you. Come on, Jerry.
Come on, up and at 'em.
That's it. What do you think, eh?
- My Big Pink Paradise. - No, no, no.
- What? - It's a portable toilet.
Forget them.
WAS a portable toilet, Jerry, it WAS a portable toilet. Not any more.
Now it's a playroom for the kids. What do you think?
- I've got the climbing frame there, look. - What's that?
For the kids, the little 'uns.
Scaffolding?! Have you gone mad?!
Come and feel this. That'll take a kid's eye out, that.
Bit of bubble wrap, Jerry, it'll be right as rain. You'll never tell.
Look at that there, ball pool, look. Where have you got these balls from?
Off the roof. Give 'em a rinse, good as new. Look at these, Jerry.
Brian Potter and the Hurricane Hand-dryers. Watch this.
HAND-DRYER STARTS
Oooh!
Blast of air as they're running past, in their hair,
they'll love it.
They love anything like that, little 'uns.
- Why's everything got Potter on it? - Potter's all the rage, Jerry.
- Kids love Potter. Do you not go to the pictures? - No.
I've not forgot you though, Jerry, I've not forgot you.
I've got you in here. Look at that, Jerry the Berry Fruity Penny Chews.
Please God tell me that's not a condom machine.
WAS a condom machine, now it does penny chews, 10p a piece.
I don't know how I think 'em up, Jerry. I frighten myself.
- All you've got to do now is get into your costume. - Costume?
- What costume ? - I've told you...
Jerry the Berry.
UPBEAT MUSIC STARTS
# Oh, there'll be lots of laughter here today
# Ba-da-da-da-da!
# Come and join the fun in our parade
# Yee-ha!
# Mums and dads, boys and girls, grannies and grandads, too
# We've got lots of incredible things for you
# At the Phoenix fun day Come and join the gang
# The Phoenix fun day, the best in all the land
# What's the place we all love best?
# The Phoenix, the Phoenix, forget about all the rest, oi! #
Three, two, one...
CHEERING
Hugh... Hugh, are you...?
Hugh Jackman, ladies and gentlemen.
Hugh Jackman.
CHEERING
Everything still...?
CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH
Genuinely you've hurt something? Come and sit down.
- I'll get you a glass of water. - Oh, hang on a sec, hang on a sec...
Argh!
- Oh! - Yes!
CHEERING
- Yes! - Yes!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Get out, you're a bad influence! He's a bad influence.
MUSIC: WALKING ON SUNSHINE
- # Said I'm walking on sunshine - Whoa, yeah
# Oh, I'm walking on sunshine... #
- Your lad's let himself go. Is he on steroids? - He's a berry, Perry.
He's Jerry the Berry, Perry.
All the way, all the way.
Turn it, come on! Oh, look at that!
Uh-oh.
# Oh, I used to think, baby, you loved me,
# Now I know that it's true
# Oh, but I just can't wait my whole life just a-waiting for you... #
AUDIENCE GASP
# See, I don't want you back for the weekend... #
Oh, my God.
Argh!
Get it down! Get it down!
Oh, you've excelled yourself this time, Potter!
Eh? Family fun day?
- Ha-ha-ha! - Get it down!
# Walking on sunshine... #
Watch the berry! Here we go!
Keep moving. # Don't it feel good? #
Oh! Oh!
It's going to blow! Get back!
Brian!
BANG!
MUSIC: (Is This The Way To) Amarillo by Tony Christie
# When the day is dawning
# On a Texas Sunday morning
# How I long to be there
# With Marie who's waiting for me there
- # Every lonely city - La-la-la la-la
- # Where I hang my hat - La-la-la la-la
# Ain't as half as pretty
# As where my baby's at
# Is this the way to Amarillo?
# Every night I've been huggin' my pillow
# Dreamin' dreams of Amarillo
# And sweet Marie who waits for me
# Show me the way to Amarillo
# I've been weepin' like a willow
# Cryin' over Amarillo
# And sweet Marie who waits for me
# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
# And Marie who waits for me
# There's a church bell ringin'
# Hear the song of joy that it's singin'
# For the sweet Maria
# And the guy who's comin' to see her
- # Just beyond the highway - La-la-la la-la
- # There's an open plain - La-la-la la-la
# And it keeps me goin'
# Through the wind and rain
# Is this the way to Amarillo?
# Every night I've been huggin' my pillow
# Dreamin' dreams of Amarillo
# And sweet Marie who waits for me
# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
# And Marie who waits for me
# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
# And Marie who waits for me
# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
# And Marie who waits for me
# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la
# Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la... #
MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen