1 00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:05,320 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:08,480 MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen 3 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,800 MUSIC: Gloria by Laura Branigan 4 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:41,960 # Gloria 5 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:45,200 # You're always on the run now 6 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,680 # Runnin' after somebody... # 7 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,320 THEY MUMBLE WRONG LYRICS 8 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,480 # I think you got to nail down # 9 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:01,120 - # Before you start to blow it - Ba-da-da-da-da boo-doo 10 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,680 # I think you're heading for a breakdown 11 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,440 # So be careful not to show it 12 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,760 # You really don't remember 13 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:15,480 # Was it something that he said? 14 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:19,280 # All the voices in your head 15 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,240 # Calling Gloria... # 16 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,800 LAUGHTER 17 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,120 Do you ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks? 18 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,560 Do you ever do that? 19 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,680 I swear to God, now, you never get used to that. 20 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,800 As you get older and you dip your biscuit... 21 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,920 Cos you don't know when it's going to fall. 22 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,800 And you panic! 23 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,800 When it falls... It's like out-of-body. 24 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:47,560 It's like slow motion. Like, "Muuuuuum! 25 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,440 "Get a spoooooon! 26 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:56,560 "Me biscuiiiit's fallen in me breeeew! 27 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,480 "Hurry up! It's siiiinkiiiing! 28 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,000 "Aaaaaargh! 29 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,760 "Bastaaaard! 30 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,720 "It's burning me finger! 31 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,520 "Hurry uuuup! 32 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:18,320 "You're too laaaate, it's sunk!" 33 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:24,600 Rich tea are bad for that. 34 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,400 Rich tea are the worst ones. 35 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,960 They should be called BLEEPing one-dips, rich tea. 36 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:33,000 That's all you get, one dip. You have to be like lightning! 37 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,120 They're the worst ones, rich tea. 38 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:43,520 You have to get four together to get a good chance of getting a dip in. 39 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,360 They've no backbone. I'm willing them to have a bit of backbone. 40 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:50,280 "Come on!" "Oh, I can't, it's too hot, it's too hot! 41 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:51,800 "It's too hot!" 42 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,880 "You're a biscuit, it's your job!" 43 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,760 Bring the pig hither, come on. 44 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,560 PIG GRUNTS 45 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,240 MUSIC: Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere Theme 46 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:26,200 Boy, take the pig outside. Round the back. Go on, chop chop. 47 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,080 Come on. 48 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:34,280 Can't get the staff these days. I do apologise. Go on, chop chop. 49 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,000 PIG GRUNTS 50 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,480 Chop chop! 51 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,880 LAUGHTER 52 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,160 Boy! 53 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,040 PIG SQUEALS 54 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,400 PIG SQUEALS 55 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,240 PIG SQUEALS LOUDLY 56 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,640 LAUGHTER 57 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,800 If only she knew the danger she were in. 58 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:23,000 She's the only thing I've got left of any value now... Oh... 59 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,920 "She?! She?!" 60 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,800 - It's knackered. - It's not knackered. 61 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:33,520 When we've finished, they'll think this lad's a pig gigolo. 62 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,200 Hey, a pigolo. 63 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,400 Exactly. 64 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:41,080 Loves that. It's Geoff Capes of t'pig world. 65 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,960 Get that pillow thing down in there, you! 66 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,600 PIG GRUNTS 67 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,480 Come here! Come on, girl. 68 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,880 THEME MUSIC CONTINUES 69 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,120 PIG SQUEALS 70 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,920 - I couldn't get off! - Are you all right? - I couldn't get off! 71 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,440 LAUGHTER 72 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,680 They're on their arses, rich tea. And they're cocky! They're cocky. 73 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,240 They don't even fit into your cup, 74 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,200 you've got to bite a bit off to get 'em in your brew! 75 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,160 They're not like Hobnobs. 76 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:34,120 You see, that's a different class of biscuit, an Hobnob. 77 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,640 Hobnobs are like Marines, Hobnobs. They're like SAS. 78 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:41,600 They're like the Steven Seagal of t'biscuit world, an Hobnob. 79 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:46,560 You dip an Hobnob, it's like, "Again! Again! Dip me again! 80 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:53,160 "Dip me again! I'm going nowhere, me, son! Dip me! Dip me! Dip me!" 81 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,320 They drink half your brew! 82 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,400 "Where's me brew gone? Where's me brew?!" 83 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:06,600 "You don't dip me, I'll drink the bastard! Again! Again!" 84 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,680 LAUGHTER 85 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,680 They always leave loads of shit at the bottom of your cup. 86 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,120 "Ugh!" 87 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:22,760 MUSIC: GLORIA CONTINUES 88 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,120 # Gloria... # 89 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,200 THEY MUMBLE LYRICS 90 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,000 # On the main line 91 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,720 # Or will you catch him on the rebound? # 92 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,360 THEY MUMBLE 93 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:43,160 # Take a lover in the afternoon... # 94 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,960 THEY GIGGLE 95 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,840 # You really don't remember 96 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:55,920 # Was it something that he said? # 97 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:57,840 'I used to do this thing, it's Soft Cell,' 98 00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,080 a band, with Marc Almond, and they did this song, 99 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:04,120 and I always imagine, when they didn't have much money, that, erm... 100 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,760 Marc Almond got his dad to play keyboards on the songs 101 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,720 when they first started. LAUGHTER 102 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,000 You press play, Stewart. 103 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,480 MUSIC: Say Hello, Wave Goodbye by Soft Cell 104 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:20,600 # Standing at the door of the Pink Flamingo 105 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,000 # Crying in the rain... # 106 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,040 TWO KEYBOARD NOTES 107 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,400 LAUGHTER 108 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,800 "Was that all right? 109 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,280 "Now? 110 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,720 "No. 111 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,480 "Now? No." 112 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:41,760 # You and I had to be the standing joke of the year... # 113 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:43,880 "Now?" TWO KEYBOARD NOTES 114 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 115 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:51,800 And now he starts getting cocky now, he starts getting cocky. 116 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,560 SEQUENCE OF KEYBOARD NOTES 117 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,000 LAUGHTER 118 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,320 MUSIC STOPS 119 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,800 And I used to do that. 120 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,280 APPLAUSE 121 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,160 Eyes down, your first number... 122 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,840 The Apollo bingo hall. 123 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:16,280 It's 8:20am and Patrick O'Neill arrives late for work. 124 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:18,760 'I hate this job. 125 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,520 'This is the worst job I've ever had 126 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:24,160 'and I used to work in a Harvester, and that's saying something.' 127 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:27,680 What's got 90 balls and screws old women? 128 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,520 Bingo. 129 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:33,320 'I tell you, they pour in, week in, week out, same faces every time. 130 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,440 'Pensions burning a hole in their shoulder bags, spending every bit 131 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,000 'of money that they've got, loose change, life savings.' 132 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,640 Listen to this one, the other night, 133 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,600 I were up there collecting glasses, right? Nice as you please. 134 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,600 Down there, some woman had some kind of a fit or something, 135 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,040 right in the middle of the game... 136 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,720 Right in the middle of the game, on her back and on her arse, 137 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:54,360 eyes down, she's lying there, but everyone carried on playing. 138 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,760 Nobody moved. They daren't. Cos it's bingo, you can't... 139 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,280 Tom carries on calling, "Six and two, 62..." 140 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,640 I can't do his voice. Right? Shouts for a supervisor. 141 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,600 Supervisor, she comes running over, 142 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,560 gets this woman into the recovery position, right? 143 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:12,680 But everyone carries on playing. Nobody moved. Know what I mean? 144 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,920 Unbelievable. So everyone's carrying on playing. 145 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,040 Tom shouts for another supervisor to come over. 146 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,880 Janice comes running over to help her husband, right? 147 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,760 Cos he's doing two books. 148 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,840 He's doing his own and his wife's and he can't manage. 149 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,880 Crime's on its arse. You see, things have changed. 150 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:31,960 No-one's bothered. 151 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,320 Years ago, an alarm would go off on your front street. 152 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,480 You'd be out, you know, "Is everything all right?" 153 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,400 Giving it good neighbours. "You all right? 154 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,360 "Your alarm were going off...and I'm a bit of a nosy bitch." 155 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,640 "Are you sure? You're all right, are you sure?" 156 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,920 That were years ago. Now, no-one's bothered. 157 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,000 "Have you heard that over there? 158 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,560 "Two days that's been going off over there! Two bloody days, eh? 159 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,640 "It's a good job I'm not on nights. Have you heard that?" 160 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,120 They could be dead! "Look at this! 161 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,800 "26 bottles of milk, the greedy bastards! Look at that, eh? 162 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,560 "What have they got, a lion? Look at all these here! 163 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,240 "All t'free papers hanging out of t'door." 164 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:06,840 It's bad. Crimewatch is bad. 165 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,880 I said to my sister, "Do you watch Crimewatch?" 166 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,960 She went, "No, I don't watch it any more. 167 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,920 "It's not as good as it used to be." 168 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,520 LAUGHTER 169 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,640 Video fits on Crimewatch. 170 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,240 If you saw someone who looked like one of them video fits, 171 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,920 that'd stick in your mind. They're freaks. 172 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:26,160 They don't look human. They're just made-up faces. 173 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,320 It looks like bloody Shrek. 174 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,880 Shrek in a woolly hat and a donkey jacket. 175 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,720 LAUGHTER 176 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,960 If that come up behind you in the Co-op late shop, 177 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,640 you'd shit yourself! 178 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,520 Can I have 20 Berkeley Red? 179 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:44,640 "Get your hands up, mother-stickers! 180 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:47,040 "This is a fuck-up!" 181 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,160 Can you film that, there? Can you film him, Tom Dale? 182 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:53,840 That's Tom Dale, the King of the Callers. 183 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,240 Calls himself that. No-one else does. 184 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,760 I hate him. He hates me. 185 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,000 He's another one that wants rid of me. 186 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,960 He won't say anything, though. He's a coward. 187 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,760 Either that or it's cos I once saw him in Preston wearing a dress. 188 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,840 Whatever Tom says, goes. Staff included. Bloody bingo Mafia. 189 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:13,320 'Women love him, they idolise him. 190 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,560 'He had a week in Fuengirola this summer, 191 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,440 'attendance figures dropped by 40%. 192 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,120 'Ron didn't know what to do. 193 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,640 'He actually had to come in and do some work. Shit himself.' 194 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,560 He were lost. Ron's only in today cos you're here. 195 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:28,120 If you can, film Tom doing his warm-up before he goes on stage. 196 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,040 'He does these bloody exercises. 197 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,600 'He's like one of them American evangelists, 198 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,920 'and drinks energy drinks before he goes on.' 199 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,200 I don't know why, cos when he goes onstage, 200 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,240 he just stands there for 20 minutes. 201 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,960 Tom likes to be centre of attraction all the time, 202 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,720 especially with the ladies, definitely a ladies' man. 203 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,440 Tom has his favourites, I'm sure. 204 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:55,040 It seems, when the session's over, he goes and picks certain people 205 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,720 out he sits with, and then you can guarantee the next night, they win. 206 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,560 MUSIC: Let's Get Ready To Rhumble by PJ & Duncan 207 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,800 # Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic 208 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,320 # Watch us wreck the mic... 209 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,360 # Psyche! # 210 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 211 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,600 'As long as you're a dolly bird, you're all right with Tom.' 212 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,640 I'd like to go to his caravan some night. 213 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,680 Yeah, see what's going on! 214 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:27,000 MUSIC CONTINUES 215 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,920 Thank you very much. Good evening, winners! 216 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,360 - ALL: - Good evening! 217 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,720 Good evening, losers, thanks for being... 218 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,320 So many of you coming tonight. Yeah, was the cemetery shut? 219 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,920 LAUGHTER 220 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,160 Big Sheila's in from Wigan. Hello, Big Sheila, love. You all right? 221 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,240 Yeah, hello, love. 222 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,920 Wigan's famous for two things - rugby players and beautiful women. 223 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,560 What position do you play, Sheila? 224 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,280 LAUGHTER 225 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,200 A couple of hellos before we kick off this afternoon. 226 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,760 Elsie? Elsie Jackson, is she in this afternoon? Elsie? 227 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,400 There you go, hello, Elsie, love. 78 years young today. 228 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,720 That's from you daughter Sandra and your sister-in-law Sharise. 229 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,840 Many happy returns. I tell you, Elsie, if I was ten years older... 230 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,480 ..you'd be dead. 231 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,440 LAUGHTER 232 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,320 Reconstructions are bad on Crimewatch 233 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,120 cos sometimes in reconstructions, they don't use actors, 234 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,040 they actually use the staff that were involved in the robbery. 235 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,160 They get them back in and say, "We're doing a reconstruction." 236 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,240 As if they're not traumatised enough! 237 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,360 LAUGHTER 238 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:32,480 So you've got some old woman shaking like a shitting dog... 239 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,040 60 quid, cash in hand. 240 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,640 LAUGHTER 241 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,240 "All right... All right... You want me here?" 242 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,040 "And action." "Get on the floor!" 243 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,720 HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM 244 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,600 "It's happening again! It's happening again!" 245 00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,320 That's just cruel, that, putting her back through that! 246 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,560 You always have some manager, right boring manager, 247 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,000 narrating them reconstructions. He loves it. 248 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,160 "I usually arrive at work about 20 to eight, ten to eight. 249 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,200 "That particular morning, the morning of the robbery, 250 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,680 "they were doing, er, road servicing works at 251 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,640 "the roundabout and the dual carriageway was gridlocked..." 252 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,080 Get on with it, son, you're up against Bad Girls, here! 253 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:24,600 Cut to t'chase, will you? 254 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,600 "I usually open up in the mornings when I arrive." 255 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,240 IMITATES SHUTTER OPENING 256 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,440 "Morning, Jean!" 257 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,320 That's wrong - Jean's been locked in! 258 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:34,880 LAUGHTER 259 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,240 "Morning, Jean!" 260 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:42,160 Cut that out. 261 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,080 "Morning, Jean." "About time and all, I've been here all night! 262 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:51,320 "I thought you were never going to come! 263 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,800 "I daren't move in case the alarm goes off!" 264 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,040 "Where's Frank? He's late this morning." Proper wooden. 265 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,520 Frank comes on... 266 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,800 OLDER VOICE: "As I was driving towards work, 267 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,760 "I noticed a small, white Transit van." 268 00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,760 LAUGHTER 269 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,720 "It was parked diagonally across both lanes. There were..." 270 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,040 HE STAMMERS 271 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,560 "There were two men discussing something... 272 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,240 "There were two men discussing something. 273 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,680 "I don't know what it was, but they both had sawn-off shotguns. 274 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,640 "I couldn't, yeah, I couldn't quite see their faces clearly, 275 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,240 "as they were both wearing ski masks. 276 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,760 "I thought, that's odd, as it hadn't snowed in months." 277 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,080 He saw it all, him. It's bad. 278 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,240 They never swear when they come in as well on them reconstructions. 279 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,600 "Come on, get on the floor, you sponge! Come on! 280 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:56,200 "Get that flipping safe open, you melon! Come on!" 281 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,880 How realistic's that? 282 00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,800 And there's a family fun day today 283 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,760 at the soon to be re-restored Phoenix Club in Bolton. 284 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,400 The fun starts at two o'clock. 285 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,960 You're listening to the what's on guide on Chorley FM, 286 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,120 where the listener comes first. 287 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,480 MUSIC: Keep On Movin' by 5ive 288 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,320 Howdy. Where do you want it? 289 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,680 - What is it? - Inflatable for Brian Potter. 290 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,240 Sounds like a good swap. 291 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:26,800 Set it up out here. 292 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,640 People stop at nothing to get on television now, hence... 293 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:35,720 Embarrassing Bodies. Oh, my God! What's going on with that programme? 294 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,120 They're not embarrassed about their bodies at all. 295 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,920 If you're embarrassed, you don't climb in the back of a truck 296 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,320 in Leeds and drop your drawers! 297 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,760 What's going on there? Have some self-respect! 298 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:49,080 Talk about scraping t'barrel. We're through t'wood. 299 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,080 See Jackie t'other week with t'hairy back? 300 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,720 What were all that about? It's like a werewolf. 301 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:58,440 MOCK TEARFUL: "I've had this condition for about six years now. 302 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:01,600 "I just don't know what else to do. I can't cope any more. 303 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,480 "Everyone's laughing at me. 304 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,280 "Every time I lift my breasts up, they fart." 305 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,200 Well, you want to get your jugs out on national television, flower. 306 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:16,560 That's your best bet. That'll solve a million problems, that will. 307 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,600 See that one, "My vagina's too big?" 308 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:22,280 You must have seen that one! It looked like a manhole, literally! 309 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:23,680 I swear to God! Ugh! 310 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,760 Close your legs, it's like an eclipse! What are you doing there?! 311 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,320 Flick over? I nearly kicked t'telly off t'wall! 312 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,080 It's pleased to see you! 313 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,640 LAUGHTER 314 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:40,560 How about that? You all want one, don't you? 315 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,680 Look, what it is, is we're struggling here. 316 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,920 I've sorted all this out, right? Just relax, will you? 317 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,120 You're twistin' me melon, man. Everyone knows what they're doing. 318 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,440 Everything's going to be all right. 319 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,320 Oh, my God! Sweet Jesus of Nazareth! 320 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,160 Well? What do you think? 321 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,120 - It's not a castle. - You never said a castle. 322 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,920 - We're not having that. - I said I want an inflatable. 323 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:06,560 It IS an inflatable. 324 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,080 It's...inflatable filth, that's what it is! 325 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:13,480 - It's almost as big as mine, that. - Where did you get it? 326 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,640 Big festival in Amsterdam. It's one of a set. 327 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,800 I've got the other in the van, do you want to see it? 328 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,080 - No, I do not! - We're not having that. 329 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,840 You're damn right we're not having it, Jerry, it's going back. 330 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,960 - Go on, take it. - But, Brian... 331 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,760 - It's a family fun day, man! - Yeah? 332 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:32,720 There's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a... 333 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:33,880 love length. 334 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,600 THEY SNIGGER 335 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,400 - On a what? - Can we not disguise it? 336 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:43,400 Yeah, yeah, we'll put a woolly hat on it and say it's you. 337 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:47,560 - It's not what it looks, Brian. - It's not how it looks? 338 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,680 It's a 20-foot cock and balls, man! 339 00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,720 It don't look like nothing else! 340 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,600 Get me Zantac, Kenny. 341 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,760 It's not happening. What's so funny? 342 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,560 Hey, lads... 343 00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:59,880 he thinks this is how you have to have it. 344 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,240 No, Brian. The cock's optional. 345 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:07,120 All you have to do is strap it down, whack the tarpaulin over them 346 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:11,520 and hey, presto - Sammy Snake. 347 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,960 "Sammy Snake"?! 348 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,520 It's only got one eye. 349 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,360 No, it hasn't. 350 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,200 Ta-da! 351 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,200 What about the balls? 352 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,160 Snake's eggs. 353 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:27,240 Kids love reptiles. Brian, you'll make a fortune. 354 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,520 Are you going to do Phoenix Nights again? 355 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,280 Would you go back to the old characters? 356 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:39,160 Will you do more with Geraldine or are you always looking forward? 357 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,320 I'm going to do something completely different. 358 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,960 I like doing things that I've never... You know when it's that 359 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,720 whole thing, if something scares you, you should do it? Argh! 360 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,960 LAUGHTER But the thing is... 361 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,440 How childish! How childish! 362 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,160 I was ready for that. I could see you were going to do something. 363 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:54,400 No, you saw it coming. 364 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,560 - Argh! - Argh! 365 00:19:56,560 --> 00:20:00,440 The thing is, I'd like to do, I think... 366 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:01,760 Hey! 367 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,520 - LAUGHTER - Argh! - Oh, too quick. 368 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:08,600 If someone's just tuned in... Two blokes going, "Argh! Ooh! Argh!" 369 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,960 They'd love this in Czechoslovakia. 370 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,120 LAUGHTER 371 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,240 They'd love it. 372 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,840 Erm, OK, so you've got no plans to go back to anything old? 373 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,200 - Cos I was thinking... - Why are you rushing? Slow down. 374 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,600 LAUGHTER 375 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:25,120 Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. 376 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,440 I was thinking... 377 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,840 - I know, they're beautiful. - Take that home. - No. 378 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:29,920 LAUGHTER 379 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,280 Go easy on them crisps, Stephen. Save me some. 380 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:35,600 LAUGHTER 381 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,800 - Erm, Peter... - Who are you talking to? - Yes, you. 382 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,800 - You know I'm talking to you! - Someone said, "Yes, OK" in your ear. 383 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,120 - Yeah, they said... - "Get him off!" 384 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,000 LAUGHTER 385 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,040 I'm going. That's me done. 386 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,640 - No! - Come on! - A couple more. 387 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,240 No, I hate the bit when you're wrapping up. It's really... 388 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:56,840 No, no, no, don't be like that. 389 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,720 It's like how you tie it all up. You're not good at that. 390 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,720 LAUGHTER You've never been good at that. 391 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 392 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,040 - I won't subject myself to this. - It's only every two years. 393 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,760 - I know, but just come on and be nice. - One more thing, right? - Yeah. 394 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,000 When I'm... Argh! 395 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,480 Hey! 396 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,600 CHEERING 397 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,040 Damn it! Damn it! 398 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,960 Damn it. 399 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,080 I'm telling you, Jerry. 400 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,840 You've got to have eyes on the back of your arse in this business. 401 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:28,960 - What's that? - What's what? 402 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,560 - That. - Oh, that? 403 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,800 That's my Big Pink Paradise. 404 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,200 It's for the kids. Come on, I'll show you. Come on, Jerry. 405 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,480 Come on, up and at 'em. 406 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,600 That's it. What do you think, eh? 407 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,800 - My Big Pink Paradise. - No, no, no. 408 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,400 - What? - It's a portable toilet. 409 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,480 Forget them. 410 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,760 WAS a portable toilet, Jerry, it WAS a portable toilet. Not any more. 411 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,200 Now it's a playroom for the kids. What do you think? 412 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,800 - I've got the climbing frame there, look. - What's that? 413 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,360 For the kids, the little 'uns. 414 00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,920 Scaffolding?! Have you gone mad?! 415 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,720 Come and feel this. That'll take a kid's eye out, that. 416 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,680 Bit of bubble wrap, Jerry, it'll be right as rain. You'll never tell. 417 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,800 Look at that there, ball pool, look. Where have you got these balls from? 418 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:14,520 Off the roof. Give 'em a rinse, good as new. Look at these, Jerry. 419 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,960 Brian Potter and the Hurricane Hand-dryers. Watch this. 420 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,480 HAND-DRYER STARTS 421 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:20,720 Oooh! 422 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,280 Blast of air as they're running past, in their hair, 423 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:24,440 they'll love it. 424 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,440 They love anything like that, little 'uns. 425 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,800 - Why's everything got Potter on it? - Potter's all the rage, Jerry. 426 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,920 - Kids love Potter. Do you not go to the pictures? - No. 427 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,280 I've not forgot you though, Jerry, I've not forgot you. 428 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:39,480 I've got you in here. Look at that, Jerry the Berry Fruity Penny Chews. 429 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,480 Please God tell me that's not a condom machine. 430 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:45,040 WAS a condom machine, now it does penny chews, 10p a piece. 431 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,520 I don't know how I think 'em up, Jerry. I frighten myself. 432 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,960 - All you've got to do now is get into your costume. - Costume? 433 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,320 - What costume ? - I've told you... 434 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,800 Jerry the Berry. 435 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,840 UPBEAT MUSIC STARTS 436 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,680 # Oh, there'll be lots of laughter here today 437 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,000 # Ba-da-da-da-da! 438 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,600 # Come and join the fun in our parade 439 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:03,720 # Yee-ha! 440 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:07,320 # Mums and dads, boys and girls, grannies and grandads, too 441 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,520 # We've got lots of incredible things for you 442 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:14,560 # At the Phoenix fun day Come and join the gang 443 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:18,320 # The Phoenix fun day, the best in all the land 444 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:22,120 # What's the place we all love best? 445 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:25,480 # The Phoenix, the Phoenix, forget about all the rest, oi! # 446 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:31,360 Three, two, one... 447 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,200 CHEERING 448 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:37,080 Hugh... Hugh, are you...? 449 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,480 Hugh Jackman, ladies and gentlemen. 450 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,160 Hugh Jackman. 451 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:42,200 CHEERING 452 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:44,760 Everything still...? 453 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,520 CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH 454 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,800 Genuinely you've hurt something? Come and sit down. 455 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,440 - I'll get you a glass of water. - Oh, hang on a sec, hang on a sec... 456 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:54,560 Argh! 457 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,040 - Oh! - Yes! 458 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,880 CHEERING 459 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,600 - Yes! - Yes! 460 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,400 - Yeah! - Yeah! 461 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:07,680 Get out, you're a bad influence! He's a bad influence. 462 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,760 MUSIC: WALKING ON SUNSHINE 463 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:14,640 - # Said I'm walking on sunshine - Whoa, yeah 464 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,160 # Oh, I'm walking on sunshine... # 465 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:20,400 - Your lad's let himself go. Is he on steroids? - He's a berry, Perry. 466 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:22,160 He's Jerry the Berry, Perry. 467 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,560 All the way, all the way. 468 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,880 Turn it, come on! Oh, look at that! 469 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:29,320 Uh-oh. 470 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:34,680 # Oh, I used to think, baby, you loved me, 471 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,440 # Now I know that it's true 472 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:45,120 # Oh, but I just can't wait my whole life just a-waiting for you... # 473 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,160 AUDIENCE GASP 474 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,640 # See, I don't want you back for the weekend... # 475 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,840 Oh, my God. 476 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,240 Argh! 477 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,520 Get it down! Get it down! 478 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,280 Oh, you've excelled yourself this time, Potter! 479 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,520 Eh? Family fun day? 480 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,200 - Ha-ha-ha! - Get it down! 481 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:07,480 # Walking on sunshine... # 482 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,040 Watch the berry! Here we go! 483 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:10,920 Keep moving. # Don't it feel good? # 484 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,400 Oh! Oh! 485 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,160 It's going to blow! Get back! 486 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,680 Brian! 487 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:27,760 Brian! 488 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,200 BANG! 489 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:34,720 MUSIC: (Is This The Way To) Amarillo by Tony Christie 490 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,480 # When the day is dawning 491 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,160 # On a Texas Sunday morning 492 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,840 # How I long to be there 493 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:54,560 # With Marie who's waiting for me there 494 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:58,120 - # Every lonely city - La-la-la la-la 495 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:01,680 - # Where I hang my hat - La-la-la la-la 496 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,560 # Ain't as half as pretty 497 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:08,560 # As where my baby's at 498 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:12,320 # Is this the way to Amarillo? 499 00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:16,000 # Every night I've been huggin' my pillow 500 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,280 # Dreamin' dreams of Amarillo 501 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,960 # And sweet Marie who waits for me 502 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:26,640 # Show me the way to Amarillo 503 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:30,160 # I've been weepin' like a willow 504 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,440 # Cryin' over Amarillo 505 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,840 # And sweet Marie who waits for me 506 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,680 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 507 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:44,080 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 508 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:48,000 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 509 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,280 # And Marie who waits for me 510 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:53,480 # There's a church bell ringin' 511 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,680 # Hear the song of joy that it's singin' 512 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,680 # For the sweet Maria 513 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,920 # And the guy who's comin' to see her 514 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:09,320 - # Just beyond the highway - La-la-la la-la 515 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,520 - # There's an open plain - La-la-la la-la 516 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:16,040 # And it keeps me goin' 517 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,960 # Through the wind and rain 518 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:23,600 # Is this the way to Amarillo? 519 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,360 # Every night I've been huggin' my pillow 520 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:30,760 # Dreamin' dreams of Amarillo 521 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:32,960 # And sweet Marie who waits for me 522 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,960 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 523 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,320 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 524 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,080 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 525 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,440 # And Marie who waits for me 526 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:52,280 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 527 00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,280 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 528 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:59,360 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 529 00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:02,840 # And Marie who waits for me 530 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:06,520 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 531 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,080 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 532 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,680 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 533 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:15,880 # And Marie who waits for me 534 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:20,080 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 535 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,400 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la 536 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,480 # Sha-la-la la-la la-la-la... # 537 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:32,800 MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen