1 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:05,400 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:08,880 # La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la 3 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:12,280 # La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la 4 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,040 # La-la 5 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,800 # La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la 6 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,840 # La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. # 7 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,640 RADIO FREQUENCY SHUFFLES 8 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:32,080 ..RADIO: And we've got television's Bob Carolgees... 9 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:36,080 MUSIC: Let's Hear It For The Boy by Deniece Williams 10 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:40,000 - Right! - Hey! I'm reading that! - Get up. - What? 11 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,560 - Get up! - I'm not a rag doll! I'm not a rag doll, you know. 12 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,840 I'm just going to show you a few simple dance moves, that's all. 13 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:51,360 - You're going to show ME how to dance? - Yes. - This I've got to see. 14 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:56,920 One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two! 15 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,960 - That's just line dancing. Anybody can do that. - Is it? 16 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:07,400 # Let's hear it for the boy... # 17 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,080 - Where'd you learn that? - On the streets. 18 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:13,280 Look and learn, flower, look and learn. Here we go. 19 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:20,400 Right, come on. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two. 20 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:24,120 # Maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my loving one-man show 21 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,960 # Whoa-oh-oh-oh! 22 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,600 # Let's hear it for the boy 23 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:43,240 # My baby may not be rich, he's watching every dime 24 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,520 # But he loves me, loves me, loves me 25 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,320 # We always have a real good time 26 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,000 # And maybe he sings off-key, 27 00:01:56,000 --> 00:02:00,160 # but that's all right by me, yeah... # 28 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,560 MAX GIGGLES 29 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,080 # But what he does, he does so well, makes me wanna yell... # 30 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,640 - Is this really necessary? - Yes, it is. 31 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,800 Women love a bit of bump and grind, 32 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:13,040 trust me. You're a man, I'm a woman, and you want me! 33 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,520 Yeah! That's right, you want me, I'm a woman! 34 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,360 I'm a woman and you want me! 35 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,120 DUCKS QUACK IN ALARM 36 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:25,000 # Maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my lovin' one-man show 37 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,440 # Whoa-oh-oh-oh... # 38 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:32,440 - Now, the most important thing to remember is balance. - Balance! - Yes. 39 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,960 - Balance. - Give me a spin. - Yeah. 40 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:39,640 - That's it, that's right, you've got it. - Is that it? - You're a natural. 41 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,560 I like it, Max, I like it. 42 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,840 MAX YELLS 43 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,080 - IN HELIUM VOICE: - Oh, God, go and get help! 44 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:49,200 My balls have gone up into my stomach! 45 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:52,560 # I just want to cheer, let's hear it for the boy 46 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,000 # Oh, let's give the boy a hand 47 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:02,760 # Let's hear it for my baby, you know you've got to understand 48 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:09,640 # Oh, maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my lovin' one-man show 49 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,880 # Oh-whoa-whoa-whoa! 50 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,880 # Let's hear it for the boy... # 51 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:21,080 Just been away. Just been t'Egypt. 52 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,600 LAUGHTER 53 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,360 That's how they pronounce it in Bolton. 54 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,240 T'Egypt. 55 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,200 My nan said, "When you going t'Egypt? 56 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,800 "When you going t'Egypt?" 57 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,240 She said, "Are you not on that t'internet yet?" 58 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:41,240 On that t'internet? 59 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:42,680 T'internet! 60 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,720 "You want to get that t'internet, that's what you want to do! 61 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,880 "Get on that t'internet!" 62 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:49,600 Showing you. 63 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,120 People talk with their hands, don't they? Computer. 64 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,640 "You know, the computer?" 65 00:03:55,640 --> 00:04:00,280 "You know? Phone!" You know when they do that? "Phone for you! Phone! 66 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,280 "Phone for you! 67 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,240 "Janet, phone for you! For you! Phone! 68 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,240 "Phone! Phone for you! Phone!" 69 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,200 "Want a drink? 70 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,400 "Want a drink? Want a brew? 71 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,760 "Cup of tea? Brew? 72 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,320 "Want a drink? 73 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,600 "Drink?" 74 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,440 "Drink? Yeah, I'll have a drink. 75 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,440 "Thanks!" 76 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,080 You won't know if I didn't do that. 77 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,960 "When are you going on your holidays?" This is the best one. 78 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,920 "When are you going on your holidays?" "Not til end of June." 79 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,080 End of June! 80 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,360 "When are you going?" "End of June." 81 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:47,120 "That's a fancy watch, Where'd you get that from? End of June!" 82 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,560 Buy one of them, end of June. 83 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,320 "Where you going?" "Tenerife." 84 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,000 "Where?" "Tenerife." "Over there, is it? Tenerife?" 85 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,960 "Then we're going to Scotland. Tenerife, Scotland. 86 00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,200 "Not next week, week after. 87 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:06,200 "Not next week, week after. Not next week, week after. 88 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,720 "Not tomorrow, day after." 89 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,960 Flipping calendar. 90 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:21,000 MUSIC: Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths 91 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,520 - Sorry, I opened my eyes then. - HE LAUGHS 92 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,280 I just opened my eyes. Is that when you're doing the...? 93 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,400 - We're filming now. This is the bit! - I know, sorry. 94 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,200 - I thought we were... - Bloody hell fire! - I thought we'd stopped! 95 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,240 Right, let's do it again. 96 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,920 Well, you didn't have to call him an effing arsehole! 97 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,520 Well, he is an arsehole, John! 98 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,680 He is an arsehole, I hate him! Did you hear him? 99 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,960 - IN BIZARRE ACCENT: - "Oh, that's got to shut down. Going to kick her...arse..." Sorry... - What?! 100 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,080 What the bloody hell's going on?! 101 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,680 Well, you did, did you hear him? 102 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,600 - IN MASCULINE VOICE: - "Oh, I'm going to, to..." 103 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,960 - What?! - "Oh, but..." - What?! - I forgot my accent. 104 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,640 Well, you didn't have to call him an effing arsehole, did you?! 105 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,800 - Well, he is an effing arsehole! - You didn't have to say that! - Well, I did, John. Did you hear him? 106 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,640 - IN BAD ASIAN ACCENT: - "Someone's got to shut down." 107 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:12,040 - What are you doing?! LAUGHING: - I don't know! - HE IMITATES HER 108 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,920 Well, what happened? Did you set a date and everything? 109 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:18,120 - No, we never got that far. - Then what happened to her ring? 110 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:22,640 THE ring. 111 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,200 Well, what happened to the ring? 112 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,320 Oh, there's no need for that, is there? 113 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,440 No-one would think that from that sentence. 114 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:38,920 Let's hear it for Albert! Albert's a registered diabetic. 115 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,480 Come on, the louder you scream, the faster the ride! 116 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,240 You know the rules, folks, come on! 117 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,800 What else are you going to do with your afternoons? 118 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:52,160 Come on, son! You nearly hit the pensioners' record! Here we go! 119 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:54,880 - Come on! - There he is! - Who? - Ray Von. 120 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,480 - But Perry thinks he's back on the waltzers. - Ay. 121 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:00,120 Look at this lot, though! I've not seen them this excited since 122 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,880 - they printed that paedophile's address in t'paper. - I know. 123 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,000 YELLING 124 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,400 Oh, shit. Not another one. 125 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:08,840 Hey-hey! 126 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:10,720 CHEERING 127 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:15,480 Let's get another victim up! Just a little joke there from Ray! Come on! 128 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,080 I tell you, you know what we should have, don't you? 129 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,120 - St John's Ambulance? - Wild West night. 130 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,320 - You reckon? - I do, indeed. 131 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:23,920 What with that thing there, get some of them cowboys in, 132 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:27,200 - do a bit about gunslinging, get some line dancing going. - Line dancing? 133 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,520 - Yeah. - It's a bit "all that." 134 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,680 No, Den Perry had it every week and it was sold out. Made a fortune. 135 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,880 - Did he? - He did. 136 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,680 I draw the line at lynching. 137 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:41,120 - You speak the Japanese? - Yeah, 'tis my mother tongue. 138 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:45,960 HE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE 139 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:48,520 Ooh. 140 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,760 Sorry. 141 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:56,720 - Er, 'tis my mother tongue. - HE TRIES SPEAKING IN JAPANESE 142 00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,320 - SHE LAUGHS Sorry! Sorry. - Sorry? 143 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,240 Here we go. 144 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,600 - Um... - Shall I say...? - No, no. 145 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,760 I just want to be able to come straight out with it. 146 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,920 - Um, 'tis my mother tongue. - Oh? 147 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,440 - HE ATTEMPTS HIS LINES IN JAPANESE - Oh. 148 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,360 - Um, 'tis my mother tongue... - HE TRIES TO SPEAK JAPANESE 149 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,200 'tis my mother... 150 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,640 - 'tis my mother tongue. - Oh? 151 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:24,840 HE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE 152 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,920 - Oh, no. - I'll do it again. 153 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,400 He loved the sun, my dad, which always made me wonder why 154 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,600 we always went to Butlin's for two weeks every year and it always rained. 155 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,200 Only time I ever saw my dad cry were at Butlin's, Filey. 156 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,840 And when he trapped his balls in a sun lounger! 157 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,880 Oh, oh, yes! We went to Lloret De Mar, it's over there. 158 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:49,160 Lloret De Mar. 159 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,320 And he got one of them white plastic sunloungers 160 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:53,560 at t'side of t'pool, 161 00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:56,560 but it had a crack right up t'middle of it, right? 162 00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,120 Oh, yeah, yeah. 163 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,880 Gets to t'pool, sits on it, and when he puts his weight to the back... 164 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:04,840 of the lounger... 165 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,840 thus opening the crack. 166 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:10,280 More like a man-trap opening. 167 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,400 He didn't see a thing. 168 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,360 Everything fell through, just fell through. Plop, that were it. 169 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:18,480 You got the family jewels swinging in the wind now. 170 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:21,040 You know you've been in water and they hang lower, as well? 171 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:24,880 They were that far from the concrete now, swinging down there. 172 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:28,120 I went past on my lilo, pissed my sides, didn't say a thing. 173 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,080 "This is the life! 174 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,560 "Bit of San Miguel. 175 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:34,560 "Deirdre, where's my sun hat, that sun's roasting, where's my sun hat? 176 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,960 "Pass my hat, there, will you, love? Pass my hat there. 177 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:41,360 "I can't reach it, just pass my... H-A-AAAAAAT! 178 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,280 HIGH-PITCHED: "Suffering Jesus!" 179 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,960 It took five of us to get him in t'back of t'ambulance, 180 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,760 towel wrapped around him, still sat on t'sunlounger. 181 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,400 "Deirdre, Deirdre, Deirdre! 182 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,640 "Go and pick my dick up, go get my dick, love! 183 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,880 "Pick it. Get it. Quick. If it rolls in the pool, 184 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,640 "they can sew it back on. Put it in ice." 185 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:09,040 He spent the next two weeks kicking his balls down the beach like that. 186 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:17,400 Yeah. I trained there '86 to '95, boom time. 187 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,160 '86 to '95, boom time! 188 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,640 Yeah. 189 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,240 - Huh. - Huh. 190 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,640 OK. 191 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,080 Yeah. 192 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:30,680 Yeah, I trained there '86 to '95, boom time! 193 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:36,200 We'll start again now. 194 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,560 Oh... 195 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,800 This is it, now, stupid. 196 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,880 Yeah. No, here we go. 197 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,480 Yeah. 198 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,360 No, here we go. This is it. 199 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:48,160 Yeah, I trained there. 200 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,320 '86 to '95, boom time! 201 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,040 I went... 202 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:56,360 - I don't even care. - You're doing it deliberately, mate. - No, I'm not! 203 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,160 Have it. 204 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,440 Oh, yes. 205 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,760 HE EXHALES 206 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,440 So, cowboys and cowgirls, we've got a very special treat for you now, 207 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:29,480 so will you give a mighty Phoenix welcome to a fabulous act! 208 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,600 It's Wild Bill and Trigger. 209 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,440 CHEERING 210 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,240 I'm Wild Bill. 211 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,440 Say hello to Trigger. 212 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,440 MUSIC: Theme from The Big Country by Jerome Moross 213 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,040 There is a horse in my cabaret suite. 214 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,960 Are you? Because we've had this conversation. 215 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:02,360 - Hey. - Ah! - What are you doing? - Get this pumped up! 216 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,600 I was a very naughty boy to this song many moons a ba...ba-ba. 217 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,840 MUSIC: Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze 218 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,360 Pump this up! 219 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,040 - I was a very... Oh. - # Na na na na na na na... # 220 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,800 Pump this up. 221 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,880 I was a very naughty boy back... 222 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,440 Oh, this is it. 223 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,080 Pump this up. 224 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,920 I was a very naughty boy to this song. 225 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,400 Here we go. Oh-ho-ho! 226 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,160 Pump this up. 227 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,480 I was a very naughty boy back... Oh. 228 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,880 Pump this up! 229 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,760 I was a very naughty boy to this song many moons ago... 230 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,560 back in Okinawa. 231 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,720 What's he doing now? 232 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:42,040 MUSIC: Theme from The Big Country by Jerome Moross 233 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,240 He's digging for gold. 234 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,840 - Beautiful! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 235 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,720 What a clever boy. 236 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,440 Well, what do you think? 237 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:57,520 There is a horse in my cabaret suite. 238 00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,480 I know, he's brilliant, isn't he? 239 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:01,800 Is it real? 240 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,720 Down. 241 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,000 That's a good boy. 242 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,080 Oh, it's real, my friend. 243 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,880 It's real. You'd better believe it. 244 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,040 I'll clean it up. 245 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,760 30 grand, that cork floor. 246 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,240 # Na na na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na... # 247 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,680 - Oi, what are you doing? - Ah! 248 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,560 Get it pumped up. 249 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,040 # Na na na na 250 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,120 # Na na-na-na-na 251 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,240 # Na-na-na-na Na na na na 252 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,000 # Na-na-na-na... # 253 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,120 This is it. Here we go now. 254 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:39,120 HE SCATS INCOMPREHENSIBLY 255 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,320 What? 256 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,120 # Still love you like that, murderer... # 257 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,240 Here we go now. 258 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,160 # Here comes the hotstepper 259 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,280 # A little, little dance floor... # 260 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:52,920 What? 261 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,160 # Ch-ch-chang-chang 262 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,880 # Here comes the hot stepper 263 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,400 # I'm a lyrical dance-flap... # 264 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,920 It's not "dance-flap"! 265 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,160 # Still love you like that Murderer... # 266 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,520 "I'm a lyrical dance-flap". 267 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,160 Here we go, now Here we go, now. 268 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,520 # Here come the hotstepper 269 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,720 # The lyrical dance floor... # 270 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,600 I can't fucking cope. 271 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,800 HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY 272 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,320 # You don't know my dung 273 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,640 HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY 274 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,120 # For you do not know Doh-doh 275 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,920 # Refrigerate my ass. # 276 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:38,120 # Understand I'm the daddy of the mack daddy... # 277 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,520 - # Here come the hotstepper - # Murderer 278 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,200 - # I'm the lyrical gangster - # Dance flower... # 279 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,800 # Like that 280 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,320 # Stepper 281 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,320 # On the little, little dance floor 282 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,560 # Pick up the crew in the area 283 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,800 # When you love me like that... # 284 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,520 - Cut! - What? 285 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,120 Let's have a sing-along. 286 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,920 # There she was just walking down the street, singing 287 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,560 # Doo-wah-diddy Diddy-dum-diddy-doo 288 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:11,440 # Popping her fingers and shuffling her feet, singing 289 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,640 # Doo-wah-diddy Diddy-dum-diddy-doo 290 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,040 # She looked good 291 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,200 # Looked good... # 292 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:21,200 How? How does she look good? LAUGHTER 293 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,720 She's shuffling her feet and clicking her fingers. 294 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,840 She's like that. 295 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,680 APPLAUSE 296 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,920 How does that look good? What a load of bollocks. 297 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,720 # Where did you come from? Where did you go? 298 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,840 # Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe...? # 299 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,440 - Brian Potter. - Colin, baby, I thought it were you. How are you? 300 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,040 I've not seen you for donkey's years. 301 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,400 I hope your money's not gone up. 302 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,600 How are you keeping? Last time I saw you in Barracuda Club. 303 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,680 - There you were in a double act with, what's her name? - Minnie Haha. 304 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,120 Minnie Haha, yeah. 305 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,400 Not laughing now, is she? Lost her leg to diabetes, poor cow. 306 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,240 - Anyway, I've got Trigger now. - Yeah, you have. She's a beauty. Yeah. 307 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,880 Sorry, he. Christ, nearly had my eye out. Blooming hell. 308 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,360 Would you mind if I put him in that other room over there? 309 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,800 - It's pissing down outside. - It's pissing down in here, 310 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,880 and shitting on 40 grand's worth of cork floor. 311 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,040 And you both... No, you can forget it. 312 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,240 Get out, then. Get away from me. 313 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,960 He doesn't change, does he? 314 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,400 - No. Stick him in the Pennine Suite. He'll never know. - Right. 315 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,640 Let's see what happened a few days ago, 316 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,960 when Geraldine made an emotional journey back home. 317 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 318 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,040 MUSIC: Fix You by Coldplay 319 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,080 CHEERING Look at this. 320 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,600 All the children are out. All the children are out! 321 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:43,960 They've all got my face. 322 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,120 They've all got my face. Look at this. 323 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,920 CHEERING 324 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,800 Now, I don't know if you know, but I used to go to this school. 325 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,600 I used to sit down there when I was a little boy. 326 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,280 Would anybody like to ask me anything? 327 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,560 You, son. 328 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:12,880 Have you got a dick? 329 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,600 # Tell my ma when I go home 330 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,680 # The boys won't leave the girls alone 331 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,360 # Pulled my hair They stole my comb 332 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,360 # And that's all right till I go home 333 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,200 # She is handsome She is pretty 334 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,960 # She's the belle of Belfast City 335 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,720 # She is courting One, two, three 336 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:27,640 # Please won't you tell me who is she? # 337 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,040 Look what they've done. 338 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,560 What are they like? 339 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,840 Oh, sure, we're just so proud of her. 340 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,120 We don't care if it's a man or a woman, I'm telling you. 341 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,480 All the best, Geraldine. You go in and you do us proud. 342 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,520 - You win it, girl. - CAR HORN HONKS 343 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,360 'Everybody has been so supportive, 344 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:47,120 'which I've found funny because, before I was in the competition,' 345 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,240 people wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire... 346 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:50,920 That's me. 347 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,640 ..and now I believe they would. 348 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,720 MUSIC: Mama by Spice Girls 349 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,000 I called to see my mummy while I was home, which wasn't easy, 350 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,240 as we've not really seen eye-to-eye for a long time now. 351 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,120 'I don't want to know a thing about it. Not one thing. 352 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,720 'I finished with that boy when I found him in his daddy's shed' 353 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,560 wearing a "Cross your heart, lift and separate." 354 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,320 Now, that sent my Joe to an early grave, that did. 355 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,680 Well, that and the...the HIV. 356 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,080 < I don't want to see her! 357 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,600 No. She is no son of mine. 358 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,760 # I didn't mean to be so bad... 359 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,400 The last 12 months have been so tough for me, 360 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,840 and I've lost so much in finding myself, 361 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,400 my friends, my family, 362 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,840 and my penis. 363 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,480 That's why I can't lose this competition. 364 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,920 # Every day is so wonderful 365 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:49,240 # Then suddenly it's hard to breathe 366 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:56,160 # I am beautiful no matter what they say 367 00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:01,040 # Yes, words can't bring me down 368 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,920 # I am beautiful in every single way... # 369 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,680 And, if I win, I'll be doing it for one person, 370 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,120 and that'll be me, Geraldine, 371 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,600 cos she's all I've got left. 372 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,480 # Oh 373 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:21,400 # So don't you bring me down today. # 374 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 375 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,920 HORSE SNORTS 376 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,000 Are you a pet man? Do you have pets at home? 377 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,120 No, we had a dog once called Oscar... 378 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:38,320 but nothing since. 379 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,520 - Nothing since? - Nothing since, no. - I'm scared to ask what happened. 380 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,400 Oh, he got attacked by some other dogs. 381 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:44,840 - That happens all the time. - Yeah. 382 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,120 There was a horrendous one this morning on the news - 383 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,320 a guide dog being attacked. 384 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,000 It were a bit of a thing, Oscar, he used to get his lipstick out 385 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,640 and walk around t'front room - I think you know what I'm saying. 386 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,880 You know when they get fruity, and they can't help it? 387 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,640 - LAUGHS: - He doesn't understand that. - Pardon? Dogs' lipstick. 388 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,280 - Eamonn? - Cosmetics? I don't... 389 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,320 There's doggy coats, doggy cosmetics? 390 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:04,720 Yeah, lipsticks. 391 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,520 You know when they get their lipsticks out? Eamonn? 392 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,240 - Dogs' lipsticks? - What, are they gay dogs? 393 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,720 Whoa, hang on a minute. Come on. 394 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,400 - Some of my best friends are KAY. - Yes? 395 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,120 Me Uncle Tony, me Auntie Jean. 396 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,320 No, it's... I'll tell you later. 397 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,200 Well, now, I know... 398 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,880 I know, with her, it's something dirty. 399 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,120 - I know that's... - Have you got a pen? I'll draw it. 400 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,000 Have you got a lipstick? I'll show it. 401 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,880 I'll get on me hind legs, and walk round... 402 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,440 - Have you got a lipstick? - You see, the thing about her is... 403 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,200 - Don't let him do that. - Come on. 404 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,240 - It's like this. - I've no idea what he's talking about. 405 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,680 You got a...? Anyone got a lipstick? 406 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,840 - No idea. - Go on. 407 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,400 - What is he doing? - That's what they used t'do. Used to do that 408 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,560 at t'middle of Quantum Leap. Every Tuesday night. 409 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:55,360 - Can we have make-up on the floor, please? - I need lipstick. 410 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:57,840 Make-up on the floor. Make up, chop! 411 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:01,280 Have we got a make-up artist? She's crying here, she's running. 412 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,920 - Come on. - If this is anything you're embarrassing me with, 413 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,480 or going to let me down in public. 414 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,800 - What? - What?! - I can't explain it... 415 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,840 You must have had a dog. Have you ever had a dog? 416 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,440 - I've never had a dog. - You must... 417 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,080 You know about dogs, don't you? 418 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,640 - Come here, let me tell you. - I don't really do animals. 419 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,320 - Come here. - What? I have a microphone, be careful. 420 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,320 - You might get flu. - It's a dog's lipstick... 421 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,040 It's... You know what I mean? 422 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:26,040 - Come on, it's his... - Right, anyway... 423 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,600 - Anyway. - ..what's the next story? 424 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,800 You've got children, man. You've got children. 425 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,000 How did that happen? 426 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,040 Way! Got it. Go on. 427 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:39,400 Oh, God. 428 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,080 - Before we go any further... - What camera are we on? 429 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,600 ..we don't want any old, mucky talk. 430 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:45,960 Zoom in, zoom in. 431 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,760 - Oh, don't look at this. - Zoom in on that. 432 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:50,560 Hang on, wrong way. 433 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:51,840 THEY LAUGH 434 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,320 That... 435 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,320 is a lipstick, ladies and gentlemen. 436 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,640 We had a little discussion last time I was on, last year, 437 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,600 about a dog's lipstick. 438 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,360 Eamonn didn't know what I was on about. 439 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,280 I don't know if that might enlighten you somehow. 440 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:09,760 I'm not a vet... 441 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,160 ..just saying. 442 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,000 - Don't... - She's crying again now. 443 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,160 She's crying again. 444 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,520 HORSE GULPS 445 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,440 - You can't go to work like that. - What? 446 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,840 What are you going to do to do? Look at the state of you. 447 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:29,360 I'll just have a quick shower in the disabled bogs, it'll be fine. 448 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,440 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're laughing, missy, 449 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,120 but when I go, that'll be it - finito-binito. 450 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:43,440 We're a dying breed. 451 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,120 There'll always be fish, 452 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,600 - but there won't always be fish-fongers. - Who? 453 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,080 There'll always be fish... Uh-huh. 454 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,600 There's an horse in the Jocky Wilson Suite. 455 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,560 - Yeah, right. FROM OTHER ROOM: - Look at the size of it. - Come on, quick. 456 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,360 - Typical Yorkshire. - Get me in. 457 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,480 HORSE GRUNTS ANGRILY 458 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:05,720 There you are. Told you. 459 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,840 HORSE WHINNIES ANGRILY 460 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,800 - What's up with it? - What's up with it? 461 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,880 It's... It's pissed, that's what's up with it. 462 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,600 Get Colin Bibby. Let go of me. 463 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,640 - How do you know? - I don't know - I know a pissed horse when I see one. 464 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,480 Get it a kebab. 465 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,720 I tell you what, I would not want to be a woman. 466 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,600 They're only good for two things - cooking and pffff... 467 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:31,320 can't shift... That moved. 468 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,840 LAUGHTER 469 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,560 Oh, my God. 470 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,200 What's he doing? 471 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,680 - Kenny, pull it off. - You what? 472 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,280 I'm not pulling off a horse. 473 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,640 We've not got a licence for this. 474 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,480 Kenny, get the mop. 475 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:49,840 You better get in there, 476 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,880 all hell's breaking loose. 477 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,640 Who's taught him that? 478 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,080 HE YELPS 479 00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:58,440 MUFFLED THREATS 480 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,200 - KAYLEIGH: - Don't look. No eye contact. 481 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,320 Hurry up. Hurry up, love, move forward. 482 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,240 KAYLEIGH HUMS, THREATS CONTINUE 483 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,880 MUFFLED THREATS BLEEP off, will you, 484 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,720 for BLEEP's sake, you psychopath. 485 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,440 MUSIC: Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen 486 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,040 CHEERING 487 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,720 # When you let me in I want to be your friend 488 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,920 # I want to guard your dreams and visions 489 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,560 # Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims 490 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,800 # And strap your hands 'cross my engines 491 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,040 # Together we could break this trap 492 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:48,440 # We'll run til we drop and, baby, we'll never go back 493 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,600 # Whoa Someday, girl, I don't know when 494 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,000 # We're going to get to that place 495 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,240 # Where we really want to go 496 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,800 # And we'll walk in the sun 497 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,960 # But tramps like us 498 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:07,080 # Baby, we were born to ruuuun 499 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:13,960 # Baby, we were born to ruuuun 500 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,640 # Baby, we were born... 501 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:21,760 # Baby, we were born... # 502 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:25,200 # Born free 503 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,360 # And life is worth living 504 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,880 # But only worth living 505 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:39,520 # Cos you're born free... # 506 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,400 # Nelson Mandela 507 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,840 # Free, free, free 508 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:50,120 # Nelson Mandela 509 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:01,320 # 21 years in captivity 510 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:05,200 # Shoes too small to fit his feet 511 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:08,840 # His body abused but his mind is free 512 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,560 # Are you so blind that you cannot see? 513 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:17,680 # Free Nelson Mandela 514 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:24,960 # Free Nelson Mandela... # 515 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,800 # Ella, ella, ella eh, eh, eh 516 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:32,960 # Under my umbrella ella, ella, eh, eh, eh 517 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:38,080 # Under my umbrella ella, ella, eh, eh, eh 518 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:43,120 # Under my umbrella ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh... # 519 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,680 # Hey, boy sittin' in your tree 520 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:48,960 # Mummy always wants you to come for tea 521 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:50,800 # Don't be shy, straighten up your tie 522 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,480 # Get down from your treehouse sittin' in the sky 523 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:57,720 # Got to let me in Hey, hey, hey 524 00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,800 # Let the fun begin 525 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,560 # Hey 526 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,320 # I'm the wolf today Hey, hey, hey 527 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,600 # I'll huff, I'll puff 528 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,960 # I'll huff, I'll puff I'll blow you away 529 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,240 # Say you won't Say you'll do what I don't 530 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:17,400 # You you're true Say to me 531 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:18,880 # C'est la vie 532 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,040 # Say you will, say you won't 533 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,480 # Say you'll do what I don't 534 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,960 # Say you're true, say to me 535 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,040 # C'est la vie... # 536 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,680 Whoo! Here we go. 537 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,520 FIDDLES PLAY 538 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,720 # Say you will, say you won't 539 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,760 # Say you'll do what I don't 540 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:54,000 # Say you're true, say to me 541 00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,280 # Want to say c'est la vie 542 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,400 # Say you will, say you won't 543 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,640 # Say you'll do what I don't 544 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,840 # Say you're true, say to me 545 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,960 # C'est la vie... # 546 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:07,960 # My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... # 547 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,680 SHE BLOWS WHISTLE 548 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE