1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,000 This programme contains adult humour. 2 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,000 Lonely This Christmas. 3 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,000 It's singles' night tonight here at the Phoenix Club, 4 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:34,000 where you could meet the love of your life. 5 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,000 Ho-ho! We're living la vida tonight! 6 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,000 There are people here to suit all tastes, 7 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,000 and, speaking of taste, the flavoured-condom machine 8 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,000 is restocked and ready for action. 9 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,000 OK, we're going to move straight along now 10 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,000 with the fantastic Mr Eric Carmen, 11 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,000 because he's all by himself. 12 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,000 # I never needed anyone... # 13 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,000 I bet you've cried yourself to sleep many a night with this one. 14 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,000 Shabba! 15 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,000 Where are all the women? 16 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,000 # Making love was just for fun... # 17 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,000 So I woke up, rolled over. 18 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,000 Guess who's lying next to me. 19 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,000 Bonnie Langford. 20 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,000 Look at that lot. 21 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,000 They're like pigs on heat. 22 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,000 Nearly broke her back. 23 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:21,000 Can you hear me now? 24 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,000 You can peak too soon, son, 25 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,000 like your dad. 26 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,000 Anyway... 27 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,000 Going to start now. 28 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,000 I rang a takeaway last night. I said, "Do you deliver?" 29 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,000 They said, "No, we do lamb, chicken and fish." 30 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,000 Bang. Phone down. 31 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,000 Now we've started. Now we've started. 32 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,000 I were on Preston train station. 33 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,000 This announcement come on, 34 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,000 "Ladies and gentlemen on platform four, 35 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,000 "the next train is an express to Carlisle. 36 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,000 "We advise passengers to move away from the yellow line 37 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,000 "at the edge of the platform 38 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,000 "as they may get sucked off." 39 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,000 I'm like that, "Bring the train on! I'm ready! I'm ready! 40 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,000 "Bring the train on!" 41 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,000 Bit of blue. Bit of blue for the dads. Bit of blue. 42 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,000 "He's blue, Alan. He's blue. He's going to be good. He's blue." 43 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:14,000 # All by myself... # 44 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:17,000 You know, song lyrics make good chat-up lines, don't they? 45 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,000 You know, like "Heaven must be missing an angel" 46 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:23,000 or "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" 47 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,000 You know, stuff like that. 48 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:30,000 I don't know who you are but you're a real dead ringer for love. 49 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,000 Who sang that? 50 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:32,000 Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf. 51 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,000 Everywhere you go, 52 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,000 you always take the weather with you. 53 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,000 No. 54 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,000 Bloke went to the doctor's. He walks in. 55 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,000 He says, "Eh, my friend, have a look at this." Sorry. These. 56 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,000 He had five of them. 57 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,000 He said, "My God, man! How do your pants fit you?" 58 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,000 AUDIENCE: Like a glove! Like a glove, yes! 59 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,000 Jokes you can join in on, that's the future of comedy! 60 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,000 Kara-jokey. Kara-jokey. 61 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,000 They'll all be doing it in 12 months, you watch. 62 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,000 What's black and white and eats like a horse? 63 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,000 Zebra! Zebra, thank you very much! 64 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,000 Any advance on zebra? 65 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:15,000 How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? 66 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,000 Jam in! With jam in! Jamming! 67 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,000 Knock-knock. Who's there? 68 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,000 Biggish. Biggish who? 69 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,000 Not today, thanks. 70 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:28,000 You see? That's a joke, that. 71 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,000 That's the first thing you'll tell when you get home. 72 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,000 I were on the cover of the Big Issue so I had to buy one. 73 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,000 He said, "I love you in Phoenix Nights." 74 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,000 I said, "Where have you seen it?" 75 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,000 Eh? 76 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:45,000 I thought, "I'll have my pound back, you devious bastard." 77 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,000 Dixons window? 78 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,000 You better watch him. 79 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,000 I said, "Knock-knock." He said, "Who's there?" 80 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:54,000 I said, "I thought you were BLEEP homeless." Eh? 81 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,000 You've got to watch him. 82 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,000 OK, we're going to slow things right down now 83 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,000 as we enter the erection section. 84 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,000 That's right, if you've met somebody tonight, 85 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,000 get them on the dance floor. 86 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,000 If you haven't, what you still here for, you losers? 87 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:12,000 # The band had only one more song to play 88 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:19,000 # And then I saw you out the corner of my eye 89 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:25,000 # A little girl alone and so shy 90 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:32,000 # I had the last waltz with you 91 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:38,000 # Two lonely people together... # 92 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,000 I'm horny. 93 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,000 Horny, horny, horny. 94 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,000 Piss off. 95 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,000 Right. 96 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,000 Go on! That's it, Patrick! 97 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,000 # Through the good and bad we'd get along... # 98 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,000 All right? 99 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,000 All right, Kenny, lad. How's it hanging? 100 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,000 It's nearly hanging off. 101 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,000 Just had three of them round the back. 102 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:25,000 # I had the last waltz with you... # 103 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,000 What's your theme, then? What theme are you... 104 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,000 Well, I've been thinking of a lot of themes. 105 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,000 The Love Boat. Neighbours. 106 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,000 But I think the one that I always like the most 107 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,000 and I think everybody knows it 108 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,000 is Blankety Blank. 109 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:49,000 Know that... Do you know Blankety Blank? Mm-hm. Well, we can try it. 110 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,000 Just try it and see. Everyone knows it. 111 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,000 HE PLAYS BLANKETY BLANK THEME 112 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,000 That's it. That's it. 113 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,000 # Come on and Blankety Blank 114 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,000 # Blankety Blank Bom-bom 115 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,000 # Blankety Blank Blankety Blank 116 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,000 # Bom-bom Blankety Blank... # 117 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,000 Nah. No? It's... Well, no. 118 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,000 Do you not feel it? I'm not feeling it, no. 119 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,000 I'm not feeling it. I have to be truthful with you. 120 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,000 If you were to choose a more soulful thing 121 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,000 and it's something you could shine on... Something like... 122 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,000 Z-Cars? 123 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,000 No. No. 124 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,000 Home And Away. 125 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:25,000 # You know we belong together... # 126 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,000 I love this. 127 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:30,000 # You and I for ever and ever 128 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:35,000 # No matter where you are 129 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:39,000 # You're my guiding star... # 130 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,000 It's very good. It's very good, what you're doing. 131 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:46,000 I'd like to see a little bit more belief, hope. 132 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,000 You're really singing. 133 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,000 You're saying, "You're my guiding star," 134 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,000 to the people out there. 135 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,000 Is it dead behind the eyes? It's not dead 136 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,000 but it's not live. 137 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,000 She's got to believe in herself. 138 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,000 That's all I'm seeing at the moment, is a slight lack of belief. 139 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:06,000 For you to win, you've got to believe you can win. 140 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,000 I do believe me. 141 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,000 Well, it's not showing. 142 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,000 I need to see that you are believing the words. 143 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,000 Can you not feel it in my eyes? It's in the eyes. 144 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,000 Not the mouth. 145 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,000 Is it not? It's in the eyes. 146 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,000 Let me see the eyes sparkle. 147 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,000 No. 148 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,000 Yes. 149 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:30,000 I think, with what we've done today, 150 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,000 I think she's got it now. 151 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,000 # No matter where you are 152 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,000 # Oh, where you are 153 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,000 # You're my guiding star... # 154 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,000 That's it, that's it. 155 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:45,000 # And from the very first moment I saw you 156 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,000 # I saw you 157 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,000 # I never felt such emotion... # 158 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,000 Yes. Yeah! 159 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,000 # I'm walking on air 160 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,000 # She's walking on air 161 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:59,000 # To know you are there... # 162 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,000 She's a lovely girl. She's got what it takes. 163 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,000 She's got the looks, she's got the voice, 164 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,000 and, with the belief, 165 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,000 she'll go all the way. 166 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,000 # Closer each day 167 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:16,000 # Home and away. # 168 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,000 I felt it then. I felt it then. That was it. 169 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,000 I could feel it running right through me. 170 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,000 You know what I felt then? 171 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,000 I felt as if I was home 172 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,000 and I was away. 173 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,000 At the same time. And I came back home at the end. 174 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,000 You did. Did you feel that? You did. 175 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,000 That's it. 176 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,000 That's going to win you the competition. 177 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,000 Do you think? Yeah. 178 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,000 I think she's got the Pop Factor. 179 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:45,000 Fruit machine, pinned me up against t'serving hatch. 180 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,000 I were in a coma till New Year. 181 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,000 When I woke up, I'd lost my club, I'd lost my legs. 182 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,000 I'd lost my will to live. 183 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:56,000 Can't go back. 184 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,000 Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. 185 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,000 I think they want us to leave. Think they do. 186 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,000 Means we've got to lock up. 187 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,000 I've really enjoyed tonight. 188 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,000 Yeah. Yeah. 189 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,000 You don't get chance to go out much. 190 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,000 Makes a nice change. You know, running this place. 191 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,000 We could go out sometime if you wanted. 192 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,000 Who? Us? 193 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,000 Yeah. 194 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,000 Oh. 195 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,000 I mean... Oh, yeah. 196 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,000 I'd like that. 197 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,000 Well, we can do that if you want. 198 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,000 I'd like that very much. 199 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,000 Great. Lovely. Yeah. 200 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,000 MUSIC: Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler 201 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,000 Flower for the lady? 202 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,000 Fuck off. 203 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:39,000 # Did you ever know that you're my hero 204 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:49,000 # And everything I would like to be? 205 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:58,000 # I can fly higher than an eagle 206 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:07,000 # Cos you are the wind beneath my wheels. # 207 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,000 If you didn't go abroad for your holidays, 208 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,000 then you had your holiday in England. 209 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,000 Glorious, big, six-week holidays at home. 210 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,000 Playing out till 11 o'clock at night. Light nights. 211 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,000 Have a water fight. Get an empty bottle of Fairy Liquid. 212 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:26,000 Go in t'front street. Having a water fight! 213 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:30,000 "Mum, wash some pots. Wash some pots. Hurry up, wash the plate! 214 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:33,000 "I'm having a water fight! Give it here. Right. 215 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,000 "It's full of suds, that one, isn't it, Mum? 216 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,000 "Squirting suds at other kids." 217 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,000 Playing out in your slippers. 218 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,000 How fast could you run in your slippers when you were a kid? 219 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,000 How fast could you run in your slippers! 220 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,000 Slippers are fast, slippers. 221 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,000 Three-quid slippers off t'market, they're fast. 222 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:54,000 Oh, they should give slippers out to athletes. I think that. 223 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,000 Nike slippers. They should give them out to... 224 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,000 We'd piss it at t'Olympics with Nike slippers. 225 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,000 Because they're fast. 226 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,000 When I used to run to the chippy on a Friday night in my slippers, 227 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,000 fast... 228 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,000 Slippers. 229 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,000 Playing out, go outside, come in really thirsty. 230 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,000 "Oh, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty! I want a drink. 231 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,000 "Oh, I'm really thirsty! I want a drink! I want a drink! 232 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,000 "Give me a drink!" "Have a cup of tea." "What?" 233 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,000 "Have a cup of tea." 234 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,000 "What do I want a cup of tea for?" 235 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,000 IRISH ACCENT: "That's the best thing you can have if you're..." 236 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:29,000 "You're not even Irish, Mum, what's the matter with you?" 237 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,000 "Have a good cup of tea, 238 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,000 "that's the best thing you can have if you're thirsty. 239 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,000 "It cools you down." 240 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,000 Bollocks. 241 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,000 Can you just see them at Wimbledon, eh? 242 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,000 "Game, set and match. Can you get the kettle on for these lads here? 243 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,000 "They're gasping." 244 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,000 RADIO: Our world-class creative stylists 245 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,000 know all the latest haircuts, 246 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,000 including the weave, the buzzcut, the angel 247 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,000 and even the waterfall braid. 248 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,000 The what? Waterfall brake? 249 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,000 Braid. 250 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,000 What's a waterfall braid? 251 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,000 It's like that. 252 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,000 Where'd you get your hair done? 253 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,000 Friend does it. 254 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,000 Friend does mine. 255 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,000 Who does yours? 256 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,000 My mate Iqbal. 257 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,000 Does it for free. 258 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,000 SHE SNORTS 259 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,000 What? Nothing. 260 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,000 Is he a hairdresser or is he just...? 261 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,000 No, he's a hairdresser. He cuts hair. He's mobile. 262 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,000 But I don't think I'll go to him any more 263 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,000 because I went round to him the other week 264 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,000 and he did it in t'back kitchen and his daughter comes in 265 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,000 and stands there looking at me while I've no top on. 266 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,000 She's only about seven. Why haven't you got a top on? 267 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,000 Because he cuts my hair. 268 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,000 Don't have to take your top off to have your hair cut. 269 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,000 Don't want hair on my shirt. If you went to a hairdresser's, 270 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,000 you wouldn't take your top off. I'm not at a hairdresser's, 271 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,000 I'm at Iqbal's house. Yes, I know, but don't take your... 272 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,000 That's even worse, in front of his daughter. 273 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:49,000 His daughter shouldn't be there. She should be playing. It's her house! 274 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,000 MUSIC: Keep On Movin' by Five 275 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,000 Oh! Oh! 276 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,000 This is a belter. This is perking me up. 277 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,000 It's like a little Berocca in the radio. 278 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,000 # I woke up today with this feeling 279 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:09,000 # Trying... Better things are coming my way 280 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,000 # And if the da-da-da meaning 281 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,000 # Things da-ba-ba ba-da-ba-dee 282 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,000 # When the rainy days are dying 283 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,000 # Ba-da-ba-da crying 284 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,000 # All the bees and birds are dying... # 285 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,000 The bees and birds are dying? 286 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,000 I don't think they're singing that. 287 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,000 # Keep moving, don't stop rocking Ah 288 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,000 # Get on up 289 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,000 # When you're down... # 290 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,000 They do that thing. 291 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,000 All right, all right. Give over! I'm driving. 292 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,000 Can't do it sitting down. 293 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,000 # But it's OK 294 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,000 # I keep on moving on anyway... # 295 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:59,000 Then you go back to school in September and you can't write. 296 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,000 "I can't write. What's the matter with me? 297 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,000 "I can't write. 298 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000 "I can't write." 299 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,000 Six weeks of "Why Don't You?" and your arm's frigged. 300 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,000 "Cannot write! What's the matter with me?" 301 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,000 Teachers, "Come on now." 302 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,000 In assembly, "Come on now. 303 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,000 "Quiet, everybody. Come on. Fingers on lips." 304 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,000 You do that. You can still talk. 305 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,000 "Na-na-na." 306 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,000 "Fingers on lips, come on! 307 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,000 "You're not on your holidays any more." 308 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:33,000 There's that one lad with a lilo and trunks and a snorkel. 309 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,000 "No-one told me! Bloody hell, I've got all my gear out here. 310 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,000 "Put that cream on, will you?" 311 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,000 Jerry? Yeah? 312 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,000 Who's done this? 313 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,000 Don't know. 314 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,000 Who's knocked all this off here? 315 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,000 Vandals. 316 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,000 Needs screwing in, that. 317 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,000 Christ! My eyes! They're burning! 318 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,000 Are you regular, Brian? 319 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,000 Set your watch by my arse. 320 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,000 JERRY STRUGGLES 321 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,000 Big night tonight. 322 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,000 Yeah, yeah. Bucket bingo, should be good. 323 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,000 No, I'm talking about me and Beverley. 324 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,000 Oh. 325 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,000 I'm taking her back to Chez Potter. We're going to have a meal. 326 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,000 Meal? 327 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,000 I didn't know you could cook. 328 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,000 Oh, aye. 329 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,000 A lot you didn't know about me. 330 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,000 Have a meal for two and then the world's your lobster. 331 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,000 Thinking of giving her a pearl necklace. 332 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,000 TOILET FLUSHES 333 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:20,000 Does she know? 334 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,000 I'm going to surprise her. 335 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,000 Think you might just do that. 336 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,000 Jerry. Yeah. 337 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,000 What do you do, Jerry? 338 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,000 I'm a compere. 339 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,000 No, what do you do? 340 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,000 What d'you mean? 341 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,000 You know, women. 342 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,000 Tactics. 343 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,000 Manoeuvres. 344 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,000 Well, you and Jean must at some point... 345 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,000 I mean, for goodness' sake... 346 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,000 Me and Jean? Yeah. Never. 347 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,000 What? Never? 348 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,000 Well, once or twice but I'm not a machine. 349 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,000 And that were years ago. Beverley's different, Jerry. 350 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,000 She's a modern woman. I can tell. 351 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,000 Well, I'll tell you this, don't rush. 352 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,000 I had a girl once I rushed. Big mistake. 353 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,000 DRYER BLOWS 354 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,000 ..covered in piss. 355 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,000 What's this you've come on with? Presents and stuff? I like this. 356 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:32,000 There you go. Little gift for you, Jonathan. Can I open it now? 357 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,000 Yeah, if you want to kill some time. 358 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,000 I don't need to fill time, we've got great guests waiting to come on. 359 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,000 You'll like that. Love that. Done that myself. 360 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,000 What is it? 361 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,000 Show it to the camera. There you go. 362 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,000 Cross stitch. Cross stitch of what? Of you? 363 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,000 My face. 364 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:56,000 Put that on your desk. Don't be ungrateful. Christ almighty! 365 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,000 What are you doing now? I'm messing your continuity up. 366 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,000 That's what I'm doing. 367 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,000 We can't edit this out. Are you going to... 368 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,000 Because, every time I come on one of your shows, 369 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,000 it's always edited about you. 370 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,000 Don't! 371 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,000 Where are you going? I'm just having a look round. 372 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,000 You've seen London before! 373 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,000 Come and sit down. No, I'm going to have a look round. 374 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,000 Go on. Where are you going? 375 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,000 I'm seeing what's behind here. 376 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,000 Where's he gone now? 377 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,000 You've ruined the whole illusion. 378 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:51,000 Go on, talk to me here. Talk to me here. 379 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,000 It's freezing! It's freezing! 380 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,000 Go on. 381 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,000 This is nice. 382 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,000 Go on. You know what's nice is that we're paying for it, 383 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,000 we might as well use it all. You might as well. 384 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,000 You're more than welcome to come to my house. 385 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,000 It's windy. 386 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,000 Oh, God! 387 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,000 Oh, no! No! 388 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,000 Don't encourage him! 389 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,000 I'll get it back! I'll get it back! 390 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,000 I got it back! I got it! 391 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,000 I've got it! I've got it! I've got it! 392 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:35,000 It's all right! It's OK, everybody in that building! 393 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,000 Don't worry! 394 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,000 He's got you. 395 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,000 You know what this is? 396 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:43,000 This is... If Ken Loach directed King Kong, this is what you get. 397 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,000 Ken Loach's Die Hard. That's what this is. 398 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,000 Peter, we're going to take a break. Can you hang on? 399 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,000 I'll be here. See you in a minute. 400 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,000 Don't go away, we'll be back with more Peter Kay after this. 401 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,000 MUSIC: Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye 402 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,000 # Baby... # 403 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,000 Oh, yes. 26p, a bit of Marvin. 404 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,000 He knew the score. 405 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,000 # For so long... # 406 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,000 Do you ever get lonely? 407 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,000 No. 408 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,000 Not with Marvin, anyway. 409 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,000 # I got you, baby 410 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,000 # Come on 411 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,000 # Oh, come on 412 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,000 # Ooh... # 413 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,000 Have you been to America? No. 414 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,000 Me and Jerry went, 415 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000 when the Neptune burnt down a couple of years ago. 416 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,000 Oh, yeah. Had a marvellous two weeks. 417 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,000 Jerry got the shits. 418 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,000 Lovely time. 419 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,000 I've got a video of it somewhere. It's on the floor down there. 420 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:40,000 Just whack it in. I've set it. Oh, right. On top of there. Yeah. 421 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,000 Jerry did it with his camcorder. There. 422 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,000 On top of Flashdance. 423 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,000 It's set. 424 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,000 # Sensitive people 425 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:51,000 # With so much to give 426 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,000 # I love you, sugar... # 427 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,000 Sorry. 428 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,000 This is it. Here, look. There you go. 429 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,000 Last night, this. They had a big firework display. 430 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,000 So, have you always lived on your own? 431 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:09,000 # There's nothing wrong... # 432 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,000 No, I were with Jean for many years. 433 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,000 Worse luck. 434 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,000 Here we are, look at this. Look at these rockets. 435 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,000 Stand well back. 436 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,000 Blow your head off, them. 437 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,000 Marvellous what they can do, look. 438 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,000 FIREWORKS EXPLODE 439 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:36,000 # Don't you know how sweet and wonderful life can be? 440 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,000 # I'm asking you, baby 441 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,000 # To get it on with me 442 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:56,000 # I ain't gonna worry 443 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,000 # I ain't gonna push... # 444 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,000 WOMAN MOANS 445 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,000 Oh. 446 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,000 Splash your cream right in her headlights. 447 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,000 Where's the remote? Where's the remote? 448 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,000 Knock it off. It's Jerry's tape, this. 449 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,000 It's Jerry's. Knock it off. 450 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,000 Sunday afternoons, then I'd get ready for school on Monday morning, 451 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:21,000 have a bath, get me hair dried watching Hart To Hart and Magnum. 452 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,000 My sister would be upstairs in t'back bedroom 453 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,000 taping t'top 40 off t'radio. 454 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:30,000 Do you ever do that on Sundays? Tape t'charts? 455 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,000 And try and stop it before he speaks? 456 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,000 That's a skill, that. 457 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,000 That's a skill. 458 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,000 "Ultravox, Vienna's a non-mover." 459 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,000 "Oh, shit!" 460 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,000 "Five Star, Rain Or Shine has gone two places..." 461 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,000 "Oh, shit. Come on." 462 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,000 Do our own dance routines in the bedroom. 463 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:50,000 In front of t'mirror. 464 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,000 # Tay-tay-tay-tay 465 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,000 # T-tay t-tay tay-tay-tay 466 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,000 # Take or leave us 467 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,000 # Only please b... # 468 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,000 "What's she doing up there? What's she doing? 469 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,000 "Dancing? I'll come up there and give you something to dance about, 470 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,000 "Lady Jane. 471 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,000 "I'm trying to watch Highway down here." 472 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,000 HE MAKES A BEAT 473 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,000 Go to t'school disco on a Thursday night. 474 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,000 Have a bottle of 20/20 behind a skip. 475 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,000 White Lightning. 476 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,000 "I'm pissed and I don't give a shit! Come on!" 477 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,000 # Never gonna give you up 478 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,000 # Never gonna let you down 479 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,000 # Never gonna run around 480 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,000 # Desert you... # 481 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:46,000 # Too many broken hearts in the world 482 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,000 # Too many dreams can... # 483 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,000 "You're doing it wrong, watch me. 484 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,000 "Well, take the callipers off. 485 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:59,000 "What's the matter with you? Enjoy yourself!" 486 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:03,000 # I won't give up the fight for you... # 487 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,000 Listen, Beverley, erm... 488 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,000 I'm not very good with words. I was wondering if... Sh! 489 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,000 It won't be long now. 490 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,000 Just you wait. 491 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,000 Things I'm going to do to you. 492 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,000 Here we go! 493 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:57,000 Welcome to Manchester Arena, ladies and gentlemen! 494 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,000 Won't be long now. 495 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,000 Just you wait. Things I'm going to do to you. 496 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,000 MUSIC: Uptown Funk by Les Alanos 497 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,000 Stuck! I'm not moving, am I? 498 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,000 Argh! Get me down! 499 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,000 Can you hear me now? 500 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,000 We didn't have to have it here. 501 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,000 I said we could have this fundraiser at the Phoenix Club. 502 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,000 Have it here, they said. 503 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,000 They wanted me to have big names. 504 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:30,000 I thought, "We don't need big names, we can do it ourselves." 505 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,000 I've got regulars at the club that could pull this off. 506 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,000 They're all entertainers in their own minds. 507 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,000 Do we look like a pair of dickheads? 508 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,000 You're laughing in the wrong bit. 509 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,000 Y'alright? 510 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,000 # Don't forget your black bin bags 511 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,000 # They're on offer till December 512 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,000 # They're your heavy-duty black bin bags 513 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,000 # They're long and black and slender... # 514 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,000 Dreadful! Where's Ray? Ray! 515 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,000 Ray Von! Where are you? 516 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,000 # Pump up the volume Pump up the volume 517 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,000 # Pump up the volume Dance, dance... # 518 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:21,000 This next act has flown in all the way from Las Vegas. 519 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,000 Has he? Were power-washing my drive yesterday. 520 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:29,000 Kenny Sr! 521 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,000 # Oh, baby, baby 522 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:34,000 # How was I supposed to know 523 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,000 # That something wasn't right? 524 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:42,000 # When I'm not with you I lose my mind 525 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,000 # Give me a sign... # 526 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,000 Give him a sign? I'll flip him the bird. 527 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:49,000 # Hit me, baby, one more time. # 528 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:55,000 # The circle of life 529 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,000 # It's the wheel of fortune... # 530 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,000 Just so you know, the money raised is going to a very worthy cause. 531 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:04,000 Finally going to put Africa on the map. 532 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,000 We're going to open a club out there, Phoenix Club Africa branch. 533 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,000 We're going to go out there 534 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,000 and we're going to give them something they've never had. 535 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,000 Five-star adult cabaret. 536 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,000 Are you still alive? 537 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:34,000 Let's see you all clapping. Come on, it's Comic Relief! 538 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:14,000 # The circle of life 539 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:17,000 # It's the wheel of fortune... # 540 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:20,000 Thank you very much, everybody! 541 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:25,000 I would like to thank all the main cast of the show for doing this, 542 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,000 giving so much of their time for free. 543 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,000 It was something that I had a bit of an idea about 544 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,000 and they've all been fantastic and they all did it 545 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:35,000 and I really appreciate it. 546 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,000 Thank you very much. Thanks for supporting us. 547 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,000 And, for Comic Relief, you've raised a total of... 548 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,000 Yes! Goodnight! Thank you! 549 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,000 # The circle of life. # 550 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,000 Dropped into the most extreme locations on earth, 551 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,000 aided by the internet's brightest stars and their army of fans, 552 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:36,000 Russell Kane is pinning his hopes on his handset. 553 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:38,000 How to find water in the desert. 554 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:41,000 All he needs to survive is a signal. 555 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:41,000 Phone's died.