This programme contains adult humour.
Lonely This Christmas.
It's singles' night tonight here at the Phoenix Club,
where you could meet the love of your life.
Ho-ho! We're living la vida tonight!
There are people here to suit all tastes,
and, speaking of taste, the flavoured-condom machine
is restocked and ready for action.
OK, we're going to move straight along now
with the fantastic Mr Eric Carmen,
because he's all by himself.
# I never needed anyone... #
I bet you've cried yourself to sleep many a night with this one.
Shabba!
Where are all the women?
# Making love was just for fun... #
So I woke up, rolled over.
Guess who's lying next to me.
Bonnie Langford.
Look at that lot.
They're like pigs on heat.
Nearly broke her back.
Can you hear me now?
You can peak too soon, son,
like your dad.
Anyway...
Going to start now.
I rang a takeaway last night. I said, "Do you deliver?"
They said, "No, we do lamb, chicken and fish."
Bang. Phone down.
Now we've started. Now we've started.
I were on Preston train station.
This announcement come on,
"Ladies and gentlemen on platform four,
"the next train is an express to Carlisle.
"We advise passengers to move away from the yellow line
"at the edge of the platform
"as they may get sucked off."
I'm like that, "Bring the train on! I'm ready! I'm ready!
"Bring the train on!"
Bit of blue. Bit of blue for the dads. Bit of blue.
"He's blue, Alan. He's blue. He's going to be good. He's blue."
# All by myself... #
You know, song lyrics make good chat-up lines, don't they?
You know, like "Heaven must be missing an angel"
or "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
You know, stuff like that.
I don't know who you are but you're a real dead ringer for love.
Who sang that?
Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf.
Everywhere you go,
you always take the weather with you.
No.
Bloke went to the doctor's. He walks in.
He says, "Eh, my friend, have a look at this." Sorry. These.
He had five of them.
He said, "My God, man! How do your pants fit you?"
AUDIENCE: Like a glove! Like a glove, yes!
Jokes you can join in on, that's the future of comedy!
Kara-jokey. Kara-jokey.
They'll all be doing it in 12 months, you watch.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
Zebra! Zebra, thank you very much!
Any advance on zebra?
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Jam in! With jam in! Jamming!
Knock-knock. Who's there?
Biggish. Biggish who?
Not today, thanks.
You see? That's a joke, that.
That's the first thing you'll tell when you get home.
I were on the cover of the Big Issue so I had to buy one.
He said, "I love you in Phoenix Nights."
I said, "Where have you seen it?"
Eh?
I thought, "I'll have my pound back, you devious bastard."
Dixons window?
You better watch him.
I said, "Knock-knock." He said, "Who's there?"
I said, "I thought you were BLEEP homeless." Eh?
You've got to watch him.
OK, we're going to slow things right down now
as we enter the erection section.
That's right, if you've met somebody tonight,
get them on the dance floor.
If you haven't, what you still here for, you losers?
# The band had only one more song to play
# And then I saw you out the corner of my eye
# A little girl alone and so shy
# I had the last waltz with you
# Two lonely people together... #
I'm horny.
Horny, horny, horny.
Piss off.
Right.
Go on! That's it, Patrick!
# Through the good and bad we'd get along... #
All right?
All right, Kenny, lad. How's it hanging?
It's nearly hanging off.
Just had three of them round the back.
# I had the last waltz with you... #
What's your theme, then? What theme are you...
Well, I've been thinking of a lot of themes.
The Love Boat. Neighbours.
But I think the one that I always like the most
and I think everybody knows it
is Blankety Blank.
Know that... Do you know Blankety Blank? Mm-hm. Well, we can try it.
Just try it and see. Everyone knows it.
HE PLAYS BLANKETY BLANK THEME
That's it. That's it.
# Come on and Blankety Blank
# Blankety Blank Bom-bom
# Blankety Blank Blankety Blank
# Bom-bom Blankety Blank... #
Nah. No? It's... Well, no.
Do you not feel it? I'm not feeling it, no.
I'm not feeling it. I have to be truthful with you.
If you were to choose a more soulful thing
and it's something you could shine on... Something like...
Z-Cars?
No. No.
Home And Away.
# You know we belong together... #
I love this.
# You and I for ever and ever
# No matter where you are
# You're my guiding star... #
It's very good. It's very good, what you're doing.
I'd like to see a little bit more belief, hope.
You're really singing.
You're saying, "You're my guiding star,"
to the people out there.
Is it dead behind the eyes? It's not dead
but it's not live.
She's got to believe in herself.
That's all I'm seeing at the moment, is a slight lack of belief.
For you to win, you've got to believe you can win.
I do believe me.
Well, it's not showing.
I need to see that you are believing the words.
Can you not feel it in my eyes? It's in the eyes.
Not the mouth.
Is it not? It's in the eyes.
Let me see the eyes sparkle.
No.
Yes.
I think, with what we've done today,
I think she's got it now.
# No matter where you are
# Oh, where you are
# You're my guiding star... #
That's it, that's it.
# And from the very first moment I saw you
# I saw you
# I never felt such emotion... #
Yes. Yeah!
# I'm walking on air
# She's walking on air
# To know you are there... #
She's a lovely girl. She's got what it takes.
She's got the looks, she's got the voice,
and, with the belief,
she'll go all the way.
# Closer each day
# Home and away. #
I felt it then. I felt it then. That was it.
I could feel it running right through me.
You know what I felt then?
I felt as if I was home
and I was away.
At the same time. And I came back home at the end.
You did. Did you feel that? You did.
That's it.
That's going to win you the competition.
Do you think? Yeah.
I think she's got the Pop Factor.
Fruit machine, pinned me up against t'serving hatch.
I were in a coma till New Year.
When I woke up, I'd lost my club, I'd lost my legs.
I'd lost my will to live.
Can't go back.
Ooh. Yeah. Ooh.
I think they want us to leave. Think they do.
Means we've got to lock up.
I've really enjoyed tonight.
Yeah. Yeah.
You don't get chance to go out much.
Makes a nice change. You know, running this place.
We could go out sometime if you wanted.
Who? Us?
Yeah.
Oh.
I mean... Oh, yeah.
I'd like that.
Well, we can do that if you want.
I'd like that very much.
Great. Lovely. Yeah.
MUSIC: Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler
Flower for the lady?
Fuck off.
# Did you ever know that you're my hero
# And everything I would like to be?
# I can fly higher than an eagle
# Cos you are the wind beneath my wheels. #
If you didn't go abroad for your holidays,
then you had your holiday in England.
Glorious, big, six-week holidays at home.
Playing out till 11 o'clock at night. Light nights.
Have a water fight. Get an empty bottle of Fairy Liquid.
Go in t'front street. Having a water fight!
"Mum, wash some pots. Wash some pots. Hurry up, wash the plate!
"I'm having a water fight! Give it here. Right.
"It's full of suds, that one, isn't it, Mum?
"Squirting suds at other kids."
Playing out in your slippers.
How fast could you run in your slippers when you were a kid?
How fast could you run in your slippers!
Slippers are fast, slippers.
Three-quid slippers off t'market, they're fast.
Oh, they should give slippers out to athletes. I think that.
Nike slippers. They should give them out to...
We'd piss it at t'Olympics with Nike slippers.
Because they're fast.
When I used to run to the chippy on a Friday night in my slippers,
fast...
Slippers.
Playing out, go outside, come in really thirsty.
"Oh, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty! I want a drink.
"Oh, I'm really thirsty! I want a drink! I want a drink!
"Give me a drink!" "Have a cup of tea." "What?"
"Have a cup of tea."
"What do I want a cup of tea for?"
IRISH ACCENT: "That's the best thing you can have if you're..."
"You're not even Irish, Mum, what's the matter with you?"
"Have a good cup of tea,
"that's the best thing you can have if you're thirsty.
"It cools you down."
Bollocks.
Can you just see them at Wimbledon, eh?
"Game, set and match. Can you get the kettle on for these lads here?
"They're gasping."
RADIO: Our world-class creative stylists
know all the latest haircuts,
including the weave, the buzzcut, the angel
and even the waterfall braid.
The what? Waterfall brake?
Braid.
What's a waterfall braid?
It's like that.
Where'd you get your hair done?
Friend does it.
Friend does mine.
Who does yours?
My mate Iqbal.
Does it for free.
SHE SNORTS
What? Nothing.
Is he a hairdresser or is he just...?
No, he's a hairdresser. He cuts hair. He's mobile.
But I don't think I'll go to him any more
because I went round to him the other week
and he did it in t'back kitchen and his daughter comes in
and stands there looking at me while I've no top on.
She's only about seven. Why haven't you got a top on?
Because he cuts my hair.
Don't have to take your top off to have your hair cut.
Don't want hair on my shirt. If you went to a hairdresser's,
you wouldn't take your top off. I'm not at a hairdresser's,
I'm at Iqbal's house. Yes, I know, but don't take your...
That's even worse, in front of his daughter.
His daughter shouldn't be there. She should be playing. It's her house!
MUSIC: Keep On Movin' by Five
Oh! Oh!
This is a belter. This is perking me up.
It's like a little Berocca in the radio.
# I woke up today with this feeling
# Trying... Better things are coming my way
# And if the da-da-da meaning
# Things da-ba-ba ba-da-ba-dee
# When the rainy days are dying
# Ba-da-ba-da crying
# All the bees and birds are dying... #
The bees and birds are dying?
I don't think they're singing that.
# Keep moving, don't stop rocking Ah
# Get on up
# When you're down... #
They do that thing.
All right, all right. Give over! I'm driving.
Can't do it sitting down.
# But it's OK
# I keep on moving on anyway... #
Then you go back to school in September and you can't write.
"I can't write. What's the matter with me?
"I can't write.
"I can't write."
Six weeks of "Why Don't You?" and your arm's frigged.
"Cannot write! What's the matter with me?"
Teachers, "Come on now."
In assembly, "Come on now.
"Quiet, everybody. Come on. Fingers on lips."
You do that. You can still talk.
"Na-na-na."
"Fingers on lips, come on!
"You're not on your holidays any more."
There's that one lad with a lilo and trunks and a snorkel.
"No-one told me! Bloody hell, I've got all my gear out here.
"Put that cream on, will you?"
Jerry? Yeah?
Who's done this?
Don't know.
Who's knocked all this off here?
Vandals.
Needs screwing in, that.
Christ! My eyes! They're burning!
Are you regular, Brian?
Set your watch by my arse.
JERRY STRUGGLES
Big night tonight.
Yeah, yeah. Bucket bingo, should be good.
No, I'm talking about me and Beverley.
Oh.
I'm taking her back to Chez Potter. We're going to have a meal.
Meal?
I didn't know you could cook.
Oh, aye.
A lot you didn't know about me.
Have a meal for two and then the world's your lobster.
Thinking of giving her a pearl necklace.
TOILET FLUSHES
Does she know?
I'm going to surprise her.
Think you might just do that.
Jerry. Yeah.
What do you do, Jerry?
I'm a compere.
No, what do you do?
What d'you mean?
You know, women.
Tactics.
Manoeuvres.
Well, you and Jean must at some point...
I mean, for goodness' sake...
Me and Jean? Yeah. Never.
What? Never?
Well, once or twice but I'm not a machine.
And that were years ago. Beverley's different, Jerry.
She's a modern woman. I can tell.
Well, I'll tell you this, don't rush.
I had a girl once I rushed. Big mistake.
DRYER BLOWS
..covered in piss.
What's this you've come on with? Presents and stuff? I like this.
There you go. Little gift for you, Jonathan. Can I open it now?
Yeah, if you want to kill some time.
I don't need to fill time, we've got great guests waiting to come on.
You'll like that. Love that. Done that myself.
What is it?
Show it to the camera. There you go.
Cross stitch. Cross stitch of what? Of you?
My face.
Put that on your desk. Don't be ungrateful. Christ almighty!
What are you doing now? I'm messing your continuity up.
That's what I'm doing.
We can't edit this out. Are you going to...
Because, every time I come on one of your shows,
it's always edited about you.
Don't!
Where are you going? I'm just having a look round.
You've seen London before!
Come and sit down. No, I'm going to have a look round.
Go on. Where are you going?
I'm seeing what's behind here.
Where's he gone now?
You've ruined the whole illusion.
Go on, talk to me here. Talk to me here.
It's freezing! It's freezing!
Go on.
This is nice.
Go on. You know what's nice is that we're paying for it,
we might as well use it all. You might as well.
You're more than welcome to come to my house.
It's windy.
Oh, God!
Oh, no! No!
Don't encourage him!
I'll get it back! I'll get it back!
I got it back! I got it!
I've got it! I've got it! I've got it!
It's all right! It's OK, everybody in that building!
Don't worry!
He's got you.
You know what this is?
This is... If Ken Loach directed King Kong, this is what you get.
Ken Loach's Die Hard. That's what this is.
Peter, we're going to take a break. Can you hang on?
I'll be here. See you in a minute.
Don't go away, we'll be back with more Peter Kay after this.
MUSIC: Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye
# Baby... #
Oh, yes. 26p, a bit of Marvin.
He knew the score.
# For so long... #
Do you ever get lonely?
No.
Not with Marvin, anyway.
# I got you, baby
# Come on
# Oh, come on
# Ooh... #
Have you been to America? No.
Me and Jerry went,
when the Neptune burnt down a couple of years ago.
Oh, yeah. Had a marvellous two weeks.
Jerry got the shits.
Lovely time.
I've got a video of it somewhere. It's on the floor down there.
Just whack it in. I've set it. Oh, right. On top of there. Yeah.
Jerry did it with his camcorder. There.
On top of Flashdance.
It's set.
# Sensitive people
# With so much to give
# I love you, sugar... #
Sorry.
This is it. Here, look. There you go.
Last night, this. They had a big firework display.
So, have you always lived on your own?
# There's nothing wrong... #
No, I were with Jean for many years.
Worse luck.
Here we are, look at this. Look at these rockets.
Stand well back.
Blow your head off, them.
Marvellous what they can do, look.
FIREWORKS EXPLODE
# Don't you know how sweet and wonderful life can be?
# I'm asking you, baby
# To get it on with me
# I ain't gonna worry
# I ain't gonna push... #
WOMAN MOANS
Oh.
Splash your cream right in her headlights.
Where's the remote? Where's the remote?
Knock it off. It's Jerry's tape, this.
It's Jerry's. Knock it off.
Sunday afternoons, then I'd get ready for school on Monday morning,
have a bath, get me hair dried watching Hart To Hart and Magnum.
My sister would be upstairs in t'back bedroom
taping t'top 40 off t'radio.
Do you ever do that on Sundays? Tape t'charts?
And try and stop it before he speaks?
That's a skill, that.
That's a skill.
"Ultravox, Vienna's a non-mover."
"Oh, shit!"
"Five Star, Rain Or Shine has gone two places..."
"Oh, shit. Come on."
Do our own dance routines in the bedroom.
In front of t'mirror.
# Tay-tay-tay-tay
# T-tay t-tay tay-tay-tay
# Take or leave us
# Only please b... #
"What's she doing up there? What's she doing?
"Dancing? I'll come up there and give you something to dance about,
"Lady Jane.
"I'm trying to watch Highway down here."
HE MAKES A BEAT
Go to t'school disco on a Thursday night.
Have a bottle of 20/20 behind a skip.
White Lightning.
"I'm pissed and I don't give a shit! Come on!"
# Never gonna give you up
# Never gonna let you down
# Never gonna run around
# Desert you... #
# Too many broken hearts in the world
# Too many dreams can... #
"You're doing it wrong, watch me.
"Well, take the callipers off.
"What's the matter with you? Enjoy yourself!"
# I won't give up the fight for you... #
Listen, Beverley, erm...
I'm not very good with words. I was wondering if... Sh!
It won't be long now.
Just you wait.
Things I'm going to do to you.
Here we go!
Welcome to Manchester Arena, ladies and gentlemen!
Won't be long now.
Just you wait. Things I'm going to do to you.
MUSIC: Uptown Funk by Les Alanos
Stuck! I'm not moving, am I?
Argh! Get me down!
Can you hear me now?
We didn't have to have it here.
I said we could have this fundraiser at the Phoenix Club.
Have it here, they said.
They wanted me to have big names.
I thought, "We don't need big names, we can do it ourselves."
I've got regulars at the club that could pull this off.
They're all entertainers in their own minds.
Do we look like a pair of dickheads?
You're laughing in the wrong bit.
Y'alright?
# Don't forget your black bin bags
# They're on offer till December
# They're your heavy-duty black bin bags
# They're long and black and slender... #
Dreadful! Where's Ray? Ray!
Ray Von! Where are you?
# Pump up the volume Pump up the volume
# Pump up the volume Dance, dance... #
This next act has flown in all the way from Las Vegas.
Has he? Were power-washing my drive yesterday.
Kenny Sr!
# Oh, baby, baby
# How was I supposed to know
# That something wasn't right?
# When I'm not with you I lose my mind
# Give me a sign... #
Give him a sign? I'll flip him the bird.
# Hit me, baby, one more time. #
# The circle of life
# It's the wheel of fortune... #
Just so you know, the money raised is going to a very worthy cause.
Finally going to put Africa on the map.
We're going to open a club out there, Phoenix Club Africa branch.
We're going to go out there
and we're going to give them something they've never had.
Five-star adult cabaret.
Are you still alive?
Let's see you all clapping. Come on, it's Comic Relief!
# The circle of life
# It's the wheel of fortune... #
Thank you very much, everybody!
I would like to thank all the main cast of the show for doing this,
giving so much of their time for free.
It was something that I had a bit of an idea about
and they've all been fantastic and they all did it
and I really appreciate it.
Thank you very much. Thanks for supporting us.
And, for Comic Relief, you've raised a total of...
Yes! Goodnight! Thank you!
# The circle of life. #
Dropped into the most extreme locations on earth,
aided by the internet's brightest stars and their army of fans,
Russell Kane is pinning his hopes on his handset.
How to find water in the desert.
All he needs to survive is a signal.
Phone's died.