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# La-la-la-la, da-da-da-da-da

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# La-la-la-la, da-da-da-da-da

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# La-la la, da-da-da-da-da-da-lah

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# La-a da

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# La-da-la-da-la-la-la

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# Da-da-da da-da-la-da-da-da. #

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This programme contains some strong language

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OK, that was Living In A Box for Brian, whose wife kicked him

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out last night.

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Moving on, oww!

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Special request now from the father of the bride, Alan.

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He says "Please play something special for my lovely

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"daughter on this, her wedding day."

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Aww.

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So it is Kid Creole with Annie, I'm Not Your Daddy.

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Check it out!

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Oo! Oo!

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I thought everybody knew.

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I went to a wedding about two weeks ago. First one's up at any wedding,

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little girls about ten - 11-year-olds dancing. Like...

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# Don't care about the rocks that I got,

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# I'm still I'm still Jenny from the block.

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# Used to have a little now I have a lot... #

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APPLAUSE

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You always get that.

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You always get little girls dancing.

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You always get little lads doing this.

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Sliding on the knees!

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Look at your trousers, get up! Look at his trousers!

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They're filthy, get up!

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Look at your pants, they're filthy, come on, sit down, cool down.

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Look you're roasting, you're wet through, sit down, have some lemonade.

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Look you're like a bull mastiff.

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HE PANTS

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I want to go and play!

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You're 22! Just calm down, will you?

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You're the best man.

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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# See if I was in your blood

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# Then you wouldn't be so ugly... #

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Ooh! After this I've got a special song, Bat Out Of Hell,

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for the bride's mother.

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There she is coming out the toilets.

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I'd give it five minutes if I were you. Shabba!

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LAUGHTER

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You always get aunties and grandmas doing the bent over dance.

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LAUGHTER

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There's no kid, there's nobody there.

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Grandmas always go early at weddings.

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Sandra, your grandma's going now!

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It's ten to eight!

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She's going.

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Grandma's like Yoda from Star Wars.

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She's about three foot tall with her anorak on.

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Going now am I.

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Going now. Going, going.

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That disco's too loud for me.

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That's not music, it's just bloody noise.

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I'm going to get home and get settled.

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Get the curtains drawn.

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Give us a kiss.

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Here you go, Grandma. You get home, you get home and get a shave.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, I'll tell you who I saw today. Coming out the Post Office.

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Bumped right into him, I ain't seen him in years. What a smashing fella.

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Who's that? Who's what?

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In the Post Office?

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I was in there this morning.

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Yes, you said, who'd you see in there?

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'Ere I'll tell you who I saw in there.

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Young Tommy Upson.

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Who's Tommy Upson?

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Who? Tommy Upson.

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I saw him in the Post Office this morning.

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Yes, used to live down Ormond Yard when we were kids.

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Oh, we have had a laugh.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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Who's that?

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I just told you who it is, Tommy fucking Upson!

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What's the matter with you?

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God forgive me for swearing, you'll make my nerves bad, you will.

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Oi oi.

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Here he is.

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That better, sweetheart?

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Oh, I'm about a stone lighter now.

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Flushed itself.

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I tell you something,

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it's good to see you got plenty of loo rolls in there.

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36 I counted.

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Yeah, well they don't eat nothing, do they?

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I can't stand it.

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You go to someone's house for a pony and you've got to ration your wipes.

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You never have to hold back up here, Tom, and I mean that sincerely.

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Brilliant. There you are, go on, sweetheart, sit back down.

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That's it. There's a drink there.

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There you are, Tom. There's my Diane's boy, Jamie.

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Hello, son. Nice to meet you.

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He's home early, ain't he got a job?

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No, he tried everything, he ain't interested.

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I'm at university.

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Oh, that's right.

102
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Your nan said something about you being gay.

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My brother, he had a gay dog.

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Who, your Billy?

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Yes, that's right. Cost him a fortune in vet's bills.

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A gay dog? No, not gay.

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Um, diabetic.

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Some kind of disability.

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Being gay isn't a disability.

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Well, it ain't exactly helped you in getting a job, has it?

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Do you want an Opal Fruit? Yes, please.

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Thank you.

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You got any other colours?

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Red.

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You want red?

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Thank you.

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I shouldn't really.

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But hey, why not?

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RADIO CHATTERS

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Can't get into this bastard.

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MUSIC: A Town Called Malice by The Jam

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Put that in that door, will you?

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My friend's flatmate's sister's flatmate's friend made

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cheese on toast with Paul Weller.

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And that's a claim to fame?

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Well, what's yours?

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Uh, I once tried to get Rod Hull's autograph.

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But he couldn't do it.

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I'm sure Rod Hull would just give anyone his autograph.

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Well, that's what you think, but he couldn't sign autographs,

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according to his manager,

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because his writing hand's up the bird.

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I know but he can still... That's a false arm, intit?

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That's his dummy arm, and his writing hand's up Emu. Oh.

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So he couldn't sign anything.

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Unless he stuck a pen in Emu's mouth,

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and that'd kill the magic, wouldn't it? Ahhh.

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Did you hear about Rod Hull's funeral?

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Is this a joke?

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No, no.

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Funeral were crap but reception were good.

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Good.

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Do you get it?

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I thought you said it wasn't a joke.

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Well, if I say it's a joke then you're expecting it.

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It is a joke but I lied.

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Not get it?

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The funeral was shit but the reception was good.

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I don't get it.

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He fell off his roof fixing his TV aerial. Ohhhhh!

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Oh, is that cos he had a false arm? What?

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Bit of juggling. Yep. Bit of juggling.

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Oh, no.

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What's she doing now whoa, whoa, whoa!

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She's not wearing any... I know, I can see, Lesley.

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What's she doing?

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POP

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Oh! Oh, my word.

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Next!

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No, next!

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NEXT!

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Ah, uggh, next!

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There's loads of bitchiness at weddings.

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Oh! Look at that dress.

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When was she measured for that?

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The bride! Have you seen her?

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Oh, you look really nice, Sandra, look at you!

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Aren't you a bloody princess.

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Have a good day, mwah, you deserve it, you're a star.

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She's packed into that, isn't she?

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Look at her arms, looks like Russell Grant, what's the matter with her?

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Action! What's she doing, oh, whoa.

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She's not wearing any...

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What you laughing at?

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Come on. Reset, please.

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Get off! Get up! Next!

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Next! Where they coming from?!

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She only had four!

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Next!

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ALL LAUGH

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Get off, whoa! Don't catch 'em!

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Next!

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HE GIGGLES

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Ne-ext.

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Next.

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Should've pulled out a bat.

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ALL LAUGH

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Next!

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Oh, ugh, next!

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HE LAUGHS

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I love DJs at weddings that talk all night

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and you can't understand a word they're saying.

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HE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY

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"The buffet's ready, the buffet is ready."

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I heard that, mum, buffet's ready!

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Buffet! Charge! Buffet!

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Don't go first, we don't know them.

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Give it ten minutes, we're not pigs.

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Dad - "Go and get me some buffet, go and get me some buffet.

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"I've had no tea, I'll keep your seats, I'll keep your seats!

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"You go, you know what to do."

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Oh, she's put a good spread on. Look at that.

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Vol-a-vents, quiche, chicken legs, vol-a-vents, quiche again,

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chicken legs, fucking vol-a-vents, quiche.

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That's all it is, one table and a shitload of mirrors,

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that's all it is.

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Always reminds me of Scooby-Doo.

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When they used to run down a corridor in Scooby-Doo,

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and they used to pass the same things.

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Vol-a-vents, quiche, chicken legs, vol-a-vents, quiche, chicken...

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Here you are, Dad, I've got you some food.

212
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,000
What's this?

213
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,000
Garlic bread, you're joking?!

214
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Garlic bread in my mouth?!

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You slipped that in, didn't you?

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Eh, that's beautiful that, that's beautiful that.

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That's the future, that's a taste sensation that.

218
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MAN IN AUDIENCE: It's the future!

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It's the future!

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What's that there? Excuse me, what?

221
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Cheesecake? Jesus Christ.

222
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,000
Are my ears playing tricks on me? Cheese...cake.

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A cake of cheese, the dirty bastards,

224
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cheesecake, I'm going to be sick.

225
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Cheesecake. Cheesecake, no. Cheesecake, no. Dirty bastards.

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A cake of cheese.

227
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Excuse me, I've just lost my, eh, pack. But next tonight...

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Go on, go on, just let him go on.

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He first came to our attention more than ten years ago.

230
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"I've dropped my pack, I've dropped my pack", ladies and gentlemen. What's a pack?

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00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:04,000
And since then he's tried his hand at virtually everything.

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Like upstaging us. I'm blushing.

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He's taking on the role of Roger De Bris in The Producers

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And I just want to say thanks for this dress, Tony.

235
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It's all right, babe, it's all right.

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You don't wear it as well as I do.

237
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No, I don't. You in this wig, now that'd get me going. I love you.

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Is that live? I never knew that were live! Of course it's live!

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I never knew, I thought it was a bluescreen or a greenscreen.

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Of course it's live. There's real traffic. Yes, there is.

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That is happening as we speak.

242
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When you drive out later we'll go "There's Peter's car driving past."

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I'm going to go past in a dress and wave.

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And how different have you found it to doing what you used to?

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It's like being hit on head with a shovel.

246
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A bit like this interview, Peter.

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I've had to dance. I've had to dance and everything.

248
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Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn.

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Can I ask you very briefly about Comic Relief? Oh, yeah.

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Cos you're doing a Proclaimers number, 500 Miles, aren't you? Yes.

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Why 500 miles, why don't you do Letter To America?

252
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It's a better tune!

253
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What, Letter To America?

254
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Yeah! See, no, it's not! Oh, yes, it is! You deaf?

255
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,000
Yes, it is, its way better! Me and you could've done the Lighthouse Family.

256
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Ohh, you're rubbish. Ocean Drive, there you go, me and you.

257
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,000
# Lifted, we could be lifted... #

258
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,000
Yes, we could have been, yes.

259
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,000
Peter Kay... Is that it?

260
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,000
At where? Go on.

261
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,000
Your house, if you're lucky.

262
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,000
Manchester Palace. Up there. That way.

263
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:19,000
Peter Kay, thank you very much for joining us.

264
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,000
I'll be here. It's been legendary.

265
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:26,000
After the buffet, everyone's a bit pissed now, they all want to dance.

266
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,000
DJ puts on the Grease megamix.

267
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,000
Music Man - Black Lace, that's a winner.

268
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:36,000
Come On Eileen. Jive Bunny, bit of rock and roll for the mums and dads.

269
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,000
RECORD PULL UP

270
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,000
# Come on everybody

271
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:40,000
# doo do doo do do do doo do doo #

272
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,000
Uncle Knobhead, he's there, he's up.

273
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,000
He's got his brand-new cream slip-ons on.

274
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,000
His wife's got a beehive and a face like a smacked arse.

275
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,000
They hate each other's guts but they both love jiving.

276
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,000
They take it really seriously. Come on!

277
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,000
Tss-tss

278
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,000
Dads get up drunk with their ties fastened round their heads.

279
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,000
I've not lost it.

280
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,000
I love it when dads sing and they're drunk

281
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,000
and they haven't got a clue what the words are.

282
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,000
# Dancing Queen,

283
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,000
# Feel the meat on the tangerine

284
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,000
# Dancing Queen

285
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:44,000
# Eating Chinese with Mr Bean Oh yeah

286
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,000
# You can dance in your underpants... #

287
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,000
Now, here's a competition.

288
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,000
Right, yes, the UK premiere of Jennifer Love Hewitt's new

289
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,000
comedy The Truth About Love... Aw!

290
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,000
Would you like to read this next link, Peter? Can I? Yes.

291
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:03,000
On to sport now, and the transfer window may be over

292
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,000
but Everton continue to strengthen for next season.

293
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,000
Here's Chris.

294
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,000
Yes, I think that's the most bizarre sport handover we've had,

295
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,000
certainly this week anyway. God love you, Chris.

296
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,000
Go on, Chris, knock them dead. Thank you very much, Peter.

297
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,000
Go on! Well anyway, and staying with football now,

298
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,000
with Blackburn in European action tonight,

299
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:23,000
could their hopes of UEFA Cup glory lie-in a pair of underpants?

300
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,000
Rovers' midfielder David Bentley says he's worn his lucky

301
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,000
jockey shorts for the whole campaign.

302
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:31,000
And so far they've been making great strides in the competition.

303
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,000
And with that I'll hand you back to the asylum.

304
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,000
Wheyyyy! Thank you.

305
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,000
Let's move on, yeah. THEY LAUGH

306
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,000
Anyway let's move on, let's move on.

307
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,000
And it continues.

308
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,000
Like Basic Instinct, there.

309
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,000
And it continues with the pictures you've been sending -

310
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,000
please keep it seasonal, Peter. Seasonal?!

311
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,000
Yes, each one we show wins a Granada Reports goody bag.

312
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,000
Here's some pictures.

313
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:55,000
This one's from Leanne in Blackpool, she says "My husband made me

314
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,000
"breakfast in bed this morning, complete with I love you toast."

315
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,000
Yes, and Alex Biddleaxe says he has a secret valentine.

316
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:05,000
Get a life! Here's his message to her from Saddleworth near Oldham.

317
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,000
Don't be so rude! Get a life.

318
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,000
E-mails now. Peter?

319
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,000
Will you be my valentine? Think about it a bit.

320
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,000
If you will that's great, If not, who gives a...?

321
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,000
See you later, bye-bye. Bye-bye.

322
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,000
Bye for now.

323
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:23,000
'Ey, what about Tommy Dickfingers?

324
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,000
Dickfingers. Hmm.

325
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:32,000
Well, I think you're shitting me up, what about Tommy Dickfingers? Yes.

326
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,000
'Ey, what about... THEY LAUGH

327
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,000
Oh, don't, not on this.

328
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,000
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

329
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:47,000
'Ey, what about Tommy Dickfingers? They found him in a wheelie bin.

330
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,000
THEY LAUGH

331
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,000
Be a bit more like that with them.

332
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,000
I fuckin' did, like uhh! Like that.

333
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,000
What about Tommy Dickfingers? Oh.

334
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,000
They found him in a wheelie bin, two snooker balls as eyes.

335
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,000
For eyes.

336
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,000
What about Tommy Dickfingers? Oh.

337
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,000
They found him in a wheelie bin, two snooker balls as eyes.

338
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,000
For eyes!

339
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,000
THEY LAUGH

340
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,000
As eyes. Go on.

341
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,000
THEY CHUCKLE

342
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,000
He's told me three times, like.

343
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:26,000
The other type of DJs I always love at weddings are the ones that

344
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:30,000
have their shirts open, cos they've been to TanTastic in the afternoon.

345
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,000
They've got a back perm.

346
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:35,000
Blonde highlights in their hair, poor man's Paul Nicholas.

347
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,000
They love themselves.

348
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,000
And all they do is just flirt all night

349
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,000
and show off and talk to women.

350
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,000
And talk after every line of every record like this.

351
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,000
MUSIC: Just A Little by Liberty X

352
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,000
What am I?

353
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,000
# Sexy Tell me again.

354
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,000
# Everything about you is so sexy

355
00:17:55,000 --> 00:18:00,000
What have I got? # You don't even know what you got

356
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,000
What have I hit?

357
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,000
# You're really hitting my spot... #

358
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,000
That's right.

359
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,000
It's party time, come on!

360
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,000
MUSIC: Feels Like I'm In Love by Kelly Marie

361
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,000
That's right, come on.

362
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:16,000
# Because you're near to me my head goes round and round

363
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,000
What about your knees?

364
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:21,000
# My knees are shaking baby, my heart it beats like a drum

365
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,000
A drum, that's right, a drum. Come on.

366
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:29,000
# It feels like, it feels like I'm in love. #

367
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,000
Shabba!

368
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,000
MUSIC: Celebration by Kool The Gang

369
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,000
AUDIENCE: Woohoo!

370
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,000
I love seeing people, me,

371
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,000
at weddings when they start doing

372
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,000
the walking to the dance floor dance.

373
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,000
Oh, you know who you are!

374
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,000
When you start dancing while you're walking up to dance floor.

375
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,000
LAUGHTER

376
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,000
Then your mum gets up.

377
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,000
There's always some cousin in his thirties, pissed up,

378
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,000
still reckons he can break dance.

379
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,000
MUSIC: Celebration by Kool The Gang

380
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,000
Thank you very much!

381
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,000
AUDIENCE CHEER

382
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,000
And then your dad, your dad's like this in the corner.

383
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,000
MUSIC: YMCA by The Village People

384
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,000
Now you're talking!

385
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,000
# Young man!

386
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,000
# There's no need to feel down

387
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,000
# I said young man,

388
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,000
# Pick yourself off the ground

389
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,000
# I said young man...

390
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,000
Get up, get up, love, it's that one!

391
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,000
It's that one, get up!

392
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:45,000
# It's fun to stay at the YMCA... #

393
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,000
And what about Tommy Dickfingers? They found him in...

394
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,000
THEY LAUGH

395
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,000
Calm down a bit, like. Calm down a bit.

396
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,000
PETER LAUGHS

397
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,000
Hey.

398
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,000
THEY LAUGH

399
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,000
What?

400
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,000
'Ey, and what about Tommy Dickfingers?

401
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,000
They found him in a wheelie bin...

402
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,000
THEY LAUGH

403
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,000
You nearly had it then, this is it, come on. Come on.

404
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,000
I were at that wedding that night

405
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:31,000
when that woman collapsed with her Zimmer frame doing YMCA.

406
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,000
LAUGHTER

407
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,000
We laughed as well.

408
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,000
They got thambulance for her.

409
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,000
Thambulance.

410
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,000
Thambulance come, they were trying to restart her heart on dance floor.

411
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,000
You know with them defibrillators?

412
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:51,000
Like ER, "Clear! Boof! Clear! Boof!"

413
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,000
All the lights were dimming.

414
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:57,000
Last orders, it's only half past nine, what's going on?

415
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,000
Is it a bank holiday?

416
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,000
You want a drink? Drink? Drink?

417
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,000
AUDIENCE CHEER

418
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,000
'Ey, what about Tommy Dickfingers? They found him in a wheelie bin.

419
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,000
THEY LAUGH

420
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:15,000
Fucking hell! Ohhhh, God!

421
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,000
I love at end of a wedding.

422
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,000
Everyone on the dance floor, moving, keep moving.

423
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:23,000
On the dance floor keep dancing, for New York, New York!

424
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:28,000
Bum-bum-ba-da-bum, bum-bum...Everyone's up, big circle.

425
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:32,000
Bride and groom in the middle. Everyone kicking hell out of them.

426
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,000
# Be a part of it... #

427
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,000
Bang! I'll make that dress fit, you fat bitch.

428
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,000
Pah!

429
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,000
I got hit in the mouth once with a slip-on.

430
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,000
Uncle Knobhead's green slip-on shoe.

431
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,000
Casualty at three o' clock in the morning

432
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,000
with a slip-on hanging out me mouth.

433
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,000
I can't get it out, I can't get it out!

434
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:07,000
# New Yo-oooork! #

435
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,000
Bang, big light goes on.

436
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,000
Can I have your glasses please,

437
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,000
can you make your way to the door please, come on.

438
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,000
Get back, you bastard.

439
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,000
I'll break your legs.

440
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,000
DJ...

441
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,000
HE MUMBLES: Thanks for coming ladies and gentlemen on this special evening,

442
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,000
goodnight, goodbye, safe then.

443
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,000
Special note, take care, look after yourselves, give me three rings.

444
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:33,000
OK, goodnight, god bless, I'll see you again, all the best, goodbye.

445
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,000
Ta-ra! Dad in front of the disco.

446
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:39,000
Whoa, no! What you mean, "Goodnight"?

447
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:44,000
It's only early, come on, don't pack it up!

448
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,000
Put a bit of Motown on for lads.

449
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,000
You what?

450
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,000
HE MIMICS THE DJ

451
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,000
That's his proper voice, he really talks like that,

452
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,000
that's his proper voice! Freak.

453
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,000
And what about Tommy Dickfingers?

454
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,000
You need to emphasise the dick.

455
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,000
PADDY LAUGHS

456
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,000
Oh, come on.

457
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,000
"Emphasise the dick!"

458
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,000
Ho.

459
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,000
THEY LAUGH

460
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,000
Come on.

461
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,000
Ohhh.

462
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,000
And what about Tommy DICKfingers?

463
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,000
THEY CACKLE

464
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,000
Right, go on.

465
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,000
I love it when people are drunk

466
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:54,000
and they think that little bit of cardboard that you get from

467
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,000
the bottom of party poppers are pound coins.

468
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,000
There's a pound coin here.

469
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,000
'Avin this.

470
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,000
There's another one!

471
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,000
LAUGHTER

472
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,000
Brian, taxi's here.

473
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,000
Oh, bollocks.

474
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,000
Go and ask him if he's been busy.

475
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,000
I'm coming now love.

476
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,000
I'm coming now.

477
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,000
Coming now.

478
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,000
Whaaaa.

479
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,000
# Oh, Danny boy,

480
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,000
# The pipes, the pipes are calling

481
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:12,000
Sing with me Alan, Frank. Where's Knobhead?

482
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,000
Casualty, what for?

483
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:16,000
Tit.

484
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,000
WHISTLE

485
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:37,000
AUDIENCE CHEER

486
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,000
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Rub it!

487
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:52,000
IN HELIUM VOICE: # Oh, Danny Boy,

488
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:56,000
# When summer's in the meadow

489
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:01,000
# Or when the valley's hushed

490
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,000
# And white with snow

491
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:17,000
# Cos I'll be here in sunshine and in shadow

492
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:22,000
# Oh, Danny Boy, Oh, Danny Boy

493
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:27,000
# I love you

494
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:32,000
# So-ooooo! #

495
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,000
Everybody wave your hands, come on, wave your hands, sing along!

496
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:44,000
# When summer's in the meadow...

497
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,000
Come on, everybody!

498
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:54,000
# And when the valley's hushed and white with snow

499
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:03,000
# Cos I'll be here in sunshine

500
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:06,000
# Or in shadow

501
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:13,000
# Oh, Danny Boy

502
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:22,000
# I love you so. #

503
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,000
Thank you very much, goodnight!

504
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,000
Thanks a lot!

505
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,000
AUDIENCE CHEERS

506
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:47,000
Thank you.

507
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,000
Goodnight, God bless.

508
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:08,000
Goodnight.

509
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:21,000
WIND WHISTLES

510
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,000
'I've had a most rare vision.'

511
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:26,000
BJORK: # You ring that bell