# La-la-la-la, da-da-da-da-da
# La-la la, da-da-da-da-da-da-lah
# La-a da
# La-da-la-da-la-la-la
# Da-da-da da-da-la-da-da-da. #
This programme contains some strong language
OK, that was Living In A Box for Brian, whose wife kicked him
out last night.
Moving on, oww!
Special request now from the father of the bride, Alan.
He says "Please play something special for my lovely
"daughter on this, her wedding day."
Aww.
So it is Kid Creole with Annie, I'm Not Your Daddy.
Check it out!
Oo! Oo!
I thought everybody knew.
I went to a wedding about two weeks ago. First one's up at any wedding,
little girls about ten - 11-year-olds dancing. Like...
# Don't care about the rocks that I got,
# I'm still I'm still Jenny from the block.
# Used to have a little now I have a lot... #
APPLAUSE
You always get that.
You always get little girls dancing.
You always get little lads doing this.
Sliding on the knees!
Look at your trousers, get up! Look at his trousers!
They're filthy, get up!
Look at your pants, they're filthy, come on, sit down, cool down.
Look you're roasting, you're wet through, sit down, have some lemonade.
Look you're like a bull mastiff.
HE PANTS
I want to go and play!
You're 22! Just calm down, will you?
You're the best man.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
# See if I was in your blood
# Then you wouldn't be so ugly... #
Ooh! After this I've got a special song, Bat Out Of Hell,
for the bride's mother.
There she is coming out the toilets.
I'd give it five minutes if I were you. Shabba!
LAUGHTER
You always get aunties and grandmas doing the bent over dance.
LAUGHTER
There's no kid, there's nobody there.
Grandmas always go early at weddings.
Sandra, your grandma's going now!
It's ten to eight!
She's going.
Grandma's like Yoda from Star Wars.
She's about three foot tall with her anorak on.
Going now am I.
Going now. Going, going.
That disco's too loud for me.
That's not music, it's just bloody noise.
I'm going to get home and get settled.
Get the curtains drawn.
Give us a kiss.
Here you go, Grandma. You get home, you get home and get a shave.
LAUGHTER
Oh, I'll tell you who I saw today. Coming out the Post Office.
Bumped right into him, I ain't seen him in years. What a smashing fella.
Who's that? Who's what?
In the Post Office?
I was in there this morning.
Yes, you said, who'd you see in there?
'Ere I'll tell you who I saw in there.
Young Tommy Upson.
Who's Tommy Upson?
Who? Tommy Upson.
I saw him in the Post Office this morning.
Yes, used to live down Ormond Yard when we were kids.
Oh, we have had a laugh.
TOILET FLUSHES
Who's that?
I just told you who it is, Tommy fucking Upson!
What's the matter with you?
God forgive me for swearing, you'll make my nerves bad, you will.
Oi oi.
Here he is.
That better, sweetheart?
Oh, I'm about a stone lighter now.
Flushed itself.
I tell you something,
it's good to see you got plenty of loo rolls in there.
36 I counted.
Yeah, well they don't eat nothing, do they?
I can't stand it.
You go to someone's house for a pony and you've got to ration your wipes.
You never have to hold back up here, Tom, and I mean that sincerely.
Brilliant. There you are, go on, sweetheart, sit back down.
That's it. There's a drink there.
There you are, Tom. There's my Diane's boy, Jamie.
Hello, son. Nice to meet you.
He's home early, ain't he got a job?
No, he tried everything, he ain't interested.
I'm at university.
Oh, that's right.
Your nan said something about you being gay.
My brother, he had a gay dog.
Who, your Billy?
Yes, that's right. Cost him a fortune in vet's bills.
A gay dog? No, not gay.
Um, diabetic.
Some kind of disability.
Being gay isn't a disability.
Well, it ain't exactly helped you in getting a job, has it?
Do you want an Opal Fruit? Yes, please.
Thank you.
You got any other colours?
Red.
You want red?
Thank you.
I shouldn't really.
But hey, why not?
RADIO CHATTERS
Can't get into this bastard.
MUSIC: A Town Called Malice by The Jam
Put that in that door, will you?
My friend's flatmate's sister's flatmate's friend made
cheese on toast with Paul Weller.
And that's a claim to fame?
Well, what's yours?
Uh, I once tried to get Rod Hull's autograph.
But he couldn't do it.
I'm sure Rod Hull would just give anyone his autograph.
Well, that's what you think, but he couldn't sign autographs,
according to his manager,
because his writing hand's up the bird.
I know but he can still... That's a false arm, intit?
That's his dummy arm, and his writing hand's up Emu. Oh.
So he couldn't sign anything.
Unless he stuck a pen in Emu's mouth,
and that'd kill the magic, wouldn't it? Ahhh.
Did you hear about Rod Hull's funeral?
Is this a joke?
No, no.
Funeral were crap but reception were good.
Good.
Do you get it?
I thought you said it wasn't a joke.
Well, if I say it's a joke then you're expecting it.
It is a joke but I lied.
Not get it?
The funeral was shit but the reception was good.
I don't get it.
He fell off his roof fixing his TV aerial. Ohhhhh!
Oh, is that cos he had a false arm? What?
Bit of juggling. Yep. Bit of juggling.
Oh, no.
What's she doing now whoa, whoa, whoa!
She's not wearing any... I know, I can see, Lesley.
What's she doing?
POP
Oh! Oh, my word.
Next!
No, next!
NEXT!
Ah, uggh, next!
There's loads of bitchiness at weddings.
Oh! Look at that dress.
When was she measured for that?
The bride! Have you seen her?
Oh, you look really nice, Sandra, look at you!
Aren't you a bloody princess.
Have a good day, mwah, you deserve it, you're a star.
She's packed into that, isn't she?
Look at her arms, looks like Russell Grant, what's the matter with her?
Action! What's she doing, oh, whoa.
She's not wearing any...
What you laughing at?
Come on. Reset, please.
Get off! Get up! Next!
Next! Where they coming from?!
She only had four!
Next!
ALL LAUGH
Get off, whoa! Don't catch 'em!
Next!
HE GIGGLES
Ne-ext.
Next.
Should've pulled out a bat.
ALL LAUGH
Next!
Oh, ugh, next!
HE LAUGHS
I love DJs at weddings that talk all night
and you can't understand a word they're saying.
HE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY
"The buffet's ready, the buffet is ready."
I heard that, mum, buffet's ready!
Buffet! Charge! Buffet!
Don't go first, we don't know them.
Give it ten minutes, we're not pigs.
Dad - "Go and get me some buffet, go and get me some buffet.
"I've had no tea, I'll keep your seats, I'll keep your seats!
"You go, you know what to do."
Oh, she's put a good spread on. Look at that.
Vol-a-vents, quiche, chicken legs, vol-a-vents, quiche again,
chicken legs, fucking vol-a-vents, quiche.
That's all it is, one table and a shitload of mirrors,
that's all it is.
Always reminds me of Scooby-Doo.
When they used to run down a corridor in Scooby-Doo,
and they used to pass the same things.
Vol-a-vents, quiche, chicken legs, vol-a-vents, quiche, chicken...
Here you are, Dad, I've got you some food.
What's this?
Garlic bread, you're joking?!
Garlic bread in my mouth?!
You slipped that in, didn't you?
Eh, that's beautiful that, that's beautiful that.
That's the future, that's a taste sensation that.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: It's the future!
It's the future!
What's that there? Excuse me, what?
Cheesecake? Jesus Christ.
Are my ears playing tricks on me? Cheese...cake.
A cake of cheese, the dirty bastards,
cheesecake, I'm going to be sick.
Cheesecake. Cheesecake, no. Cheesecake, no. Dirty bastards.
A cake of cheese.
Excuse me, I've just lost my, eh, pack. But next tonight...
Go on, go on, just let him go on.
He first came to our attention more than ten years ago.
"I've dropped my pack, I've dropped my pack", ladies and gentlemen. What's a pack?
And since then he's tried his hand at virtually everything.
Like upstaging us. I'm blushing.
He's taking on the role of Roger De Bris in The Producers
And I just want to say thanks for this dress, Tony.
It's all right, babe, it's all right.
You don't wear it as well as I do.
No, I don't. You in this wig, now that'd get me going. I love you.
Is that live? I never knew that were live! Of course it's live!
I never knew, I thought it was a bluescreen or a greenscreen.
Of course it's live. There's real traffic. Yes, there is.
That is happening as we speak.
When you drive out later we'll go "There's Peter's car driving past."
I'm going to go past in a dress and wave.
And how different have you found it to doing what you used to?
It's like being hit on head with a shovel.
A bit like this interview, Peter.
I've had to dance. I've had to dance and everything.
Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn.
Can I ask you very briefly about Comic Relief? Oh, yeah.
Cos you're doing a Proclaimers number, 500 Miles, aren't you? Yes.
Why 500 miles, why don't you do Letter To America?
It's a better tune!
What, Letter To America?
Yeah! See, no, it's not! Oh, yes, it is! You deaf?
Yes, it is, its way better! Me and you could've done the Lighthouse Family.
Ohh, you're rubbish. Ocean Drive, there you go, me and you.
# Lifted, we could be lifted... #
Yes, we could have been, yes.
Peter Kay... Is that it?
At where? Go on.
Your house, if you're lucky.
Manchester Palace. Up there. That way.
Peter Kay, thank you very much for joining us.
I'll be here. It's been legendary.
After the buffet, everyone's a bit pissed now, they all want to dance.
DJ puts on the Grease megamix.
Music Man - Black Lace, that's a winner.
Come On Eileen. Jive Bunny, bit of rock and roll for the mums and dads.
RECORD PULL UP
# Come on everybody
# doo do doo do do do doo do doo #
Uncle Knobhead, he's there, he's up.
He's got his brand-new cream slip-ons on.
His wife's got a beehive and a face like a smacked arse.
They hate each other's guts but they both love jiving.
They take it really seriously. Come on!
Tss-tss
Dads get up drunk with their ties fastened round their heads.
I've not lost it.
I love it when dads sing and they're drunk
and they haven't got a clue what the words are.
# Dancing Queen,
# Feel the meat on the tangerine
# Dancing Queen
# Eating Chinese with Mr Bean Oh yeah
# You can dance in your underpants... #
Now, here's a competition.
Right, yes, the UK premiere of Jennifer Love Hewitt's new
comedy The Truth About Love... Aw!
Would you like to read this next link, Peter? Can I? Yes.
On to sport now, and the transfer window may be over
but Everton continue to strengthen for next season.
Here's Chris.
Yes, I think that's the most bizarre sport handover we've had,
certainly this week anyway. God love you, Chris.
Go on, Chris, knock them dead. Thank you very much, Peter.
Go on! Well anyway, and staying with football now,
with Blackburn in European action tonight,
could their hopes of UEFA Cup glory lie-in a pair of underpants?
Rovers' midfielder David Bentley says he's worn his lucky
jockey shorts for the whole campaign.
And so far they've been making great strides in the competition.
And with that I'll hand you back to the asylum.
Wheyyyy! Thank you.
Let's move on, yeah. THEY LAUGH
Anyway let's move on, let's move on.
And it continues.
Like Basic Instinct, there.
And it continues with the pictures you've been sending -
please keep it seasonal, Peter. Seasonal?!
Yes, each one we show wins a Granada Reports goody bag.
Here's some pictures.
This one's from Leanne in Blackpool, she says "My husband made me
"breakfast in bed this morning, complete with I love you toast."
Yes, and Alex Biddleaxe says he has a secret valentine.
Get a life! Here's his message to her from Saddleworth near Oldham.
Don't be so rude! Get a life.
E-mails now. Peter?
Will you be my valentine? Think about it a bit.
If you will that's great, If not, who gives a...?
See you later, bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye for now.
'Ey, what about Tommy Dickfingers?
Dickfingers. Hmm.
Well, I think you're shitting me up, what about Tommy Dickfingers? Yes.
'Ey, what about... THEY LAUGH
Oh, don't, not on this.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
'Ey, what about Tommy Dickfingers? They found him in a wheelie bin.
THEY LAUGH
Be a bit more like that with them.
I fuckin' did, like uhh! Like that.
What about Tommy Dickfingers? Oh.
They found him in a wheelie bin, two snooker balls as eyes.
For eyes.
What about Tommy Dickfingers? Oh.
They found him in a wheelie bin, two snooker balls as eyes.
For eyes!
THEY LAUGH
As eyes. Go on.
THEY CHUCKLE
He's told me three times, like.
The other type of DJs I always love at weddings are the ones that
have their shirts open, cos they've been to TanTastic in the afternoon.
They've got a back perm.
Blonde highlights in their hair, poor man's Paul Nicholas.
They love themselves.
And all they do is just flirt all night
and show off and talk to women.
And talk after every line of every record like this.
MUSIC: Just A Little by Liberty X
What am I?
# Sexy Tell me again.
# Everything about you is so sexy
What have I got? # You don't even know what you got
What have I hit?
# You're really hitting my spot... #
That's right.
It's party time, come on!
MUSIC: Feels Like I'm In Love by Kelly Marie
That's right, come on.
# Because you're near to me my head goes round and round
What about your knees?
# My knees are shaking baby, my heart it beats like a drum
A drum, that's right, a drum. Come on.
# It feels like, it feels like I'm in love. #
Shabba!
MUSIC: Celebration by Kool The Gang
AUDIENCE: Woohoo!
I love seeing people, me,
at weddings when they start doing
the walking to the dance floor dance.
Oh, you know who you are!
When you start dancing while you're walking up to dance floor.
LAUGHTER
Then your mum gets up.
There's always some cousin in his thirties, pissed up,
still reckons he can break dance.
MUSIC: Celebration by Kool The Gang
Thank you very much!
AUDIENCE CHEER
And then your dad, your dad's like this in the corner.
MUSIC: YMCA by The Village People
Now you're talking!
# Young man!
# There's no need to feel down
# I said young man,
# Pick yourself off the ground
# I said young man...
Get up, get up, love, it's that one!
It's that one, get up!
# It's fun to stay at the YMCA... #
And what about Tommy Dickfingers? They found him in...
THEY LAUGH
Calm down a bit, like. Calm down a bit.
PETER LAUGHS
Hey.
THEY LAUGH
What?
'Ey, and what about Tommy Dickfingers?
They found him in a wheelie bin...
THEY LAUGH
You nearly had it then, this is it, come on. Come on.
I were at that wedding that night
when that woman collapsed with her Zimmer frame doing YMCA.
LAUGHTER
We laughed as well.
They got thambulance for her.
Thambulance.
Thambulance come, they were trying to restart her heart on dance floor.
You know with them defibrillators?
Like ER, "Clear! Boof! Clear! Boof!"
All the lights were dimming.
Last orders, it's only half past nine, what's going on?
Is it a bank holiday?
You want a drink? Drink? Drink?
AUDIENCE CHEER
'Ey, what about Tommy Dickfingers? They found him in a wheelie bin.
THEY LAUGH
Fucking hell! Ohhhh, God!
I love at end of a wedding.
Everyone on the dance floor, moving, keep moving.
On the dance floor keep dancing, for New York, New York!
Bum-bum-ba-da-bum, bum-bum...Everyone's up, big circle.
Bride and groom in the middle. Everyone kicking hell out of them.
# Be a part of it... #
Bang! I'll make that dress fit, you fat bitch.
Pah!
I got hit in the mouth once with a slip-on.
Uncle Knobhead's green slip-on shoe.
Casualty at three o' clock in the morning
with a slip-on hanging out me mouth.
I can't get it out, I can't get it out!
# New Yo-oooork! #
Bang, big light goes on.
Can I have your glasses please,
can you make your way to the door please, come on.
Get back, you bastard.
I'll break your legs.
DJ...
HE MUMBLES: Thanks for coming ladies and gentlemen on this special evening,
goodnight, goodbye, safe then.
Special note, take care, look after yourselves, give me three rings.
OK, goodnight, god bless, I'll see you again, all the best, goodbye.
Ta-ra! Dad in front of the disco.
Whoa, no! What you mean, "Goodnight"?
It's only early, come on, don't pack it up!
Put a bit of Motown on for lads.
You what?
HE MIMICS THE DJ
That's his proper voice, he really talks like that,
that's his proper voice! Freak.
And what about Tommy Dickfingers?
You need to emphasise the dick.
PADDY LAUGHS
Oh, come on.
"Emphasise the dick!"
Ho.
THEY LAUGH
Come on.
Ohhh.
And what about Tommy DICKfingers?
THEY CACKLE
Right, go on.
I love it when people are drunk
and they think that little bit of cardboard that you get from
the bottom of party poppers are pound coins.
There's a pound coin here.
'Avin this.
There's another one!
LAUGHTER
Brian, taxi's here.
Oh, bollocks.
Go and ask him if he's been busy.
I'm coming now love.
I'm coming now.
Coming now.
Whaaaa.
# Oh, Danny boy,
# The pipes, the pipes are calling
Sing with me Alan, Frank. Where's Knobhead?
Casualty, what for?
Tit.
WHISTLE
AUDIENCE CHEER
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Rub it!
IN HELIUM VOICE: # Oh, Danny Boy,
# When summer's in the meadow
# Or when the valley's hushed
# And white with snow
# Cos I'll be here in sunshine and in shadow
# Oh, Danny Boy, Oh, Danny Boy
# I love you
# So-ooooo! #
Everybody wave your hands, come on, wave your hands, sing along!
# When summer's in the meadow...
Come on, everybody!
# And when the valley's hushed and white with snow
# Cos I'll be here in sunshine
# Or in shadow
# Oh, Danny Boy
# I love you so. #
Thank you very much, goodnight!
Thanks a lot!
AUDIENCE CHEERS
Thank you.
Goodnight, God bless.
Goodnight.
WIND WHISTLES
'I've had a most rare vision.'
BJORK: # You ring that bell