1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,800 Nigel Norman Fletcher, you have been found guilty of the charges 2 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:08,680 brought against you, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. 3 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,120 Cyber-crime is a modern menace. 4 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,680 A man of your obvious ingenuity and intelligence 5 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,480 might have used his gifts on behalf of society. 6 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:27,960 Instead, you chose to employ them in a pursuit of self-indulgence, 7 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,760 greed, and gain. 8 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:36,680 You will now face the consequences, and go to prison for five years. 9 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,720 How you all doing out there? Or should I say, "In there"? 10 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:45,920 This is National Prison Radio, made by prisoners for prisoners. 11 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,720 Later on, we'll be looking forward to all the weekend's sport, 12 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,600 but first, this from you know who. 13 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:54,280 We should have our own radio station. You know, Radio Wakeley. 14 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:55,760 I could do that. I could be the DJ. 15 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,320 You have got the banter, Fletch. 16 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,280 Gift of the gab, that's for sure. 17 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,400 I reckon I'd be good at it. Play some good music, 18 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,760 tell a few jokes, I could even do interviews, 19 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,840 - I could do you, Joe. - Why would you want to interview me? 20 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,200 Britain's oldest prisoner. 21 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:12,360 No, I'm not. There's an axe murderer in Durham who's 86. 22 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:16,600 86! How long's he been in? 23 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:17,800 Two years. 24 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:22,240 Two years?! What, so he topped someone at 84? 25 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:26,360 Well, it was manslaughter rather than murder, so he'll be out 26 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,800 when he's 110. 27 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,320 See, this is what I'm talking about. 28 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,560 Scintillating anecdotes from a man who's seen it all. 29 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,760 Well, reluctant as I am to leave this pointless conversation, 30 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,080 I'm late for work. 31 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:40,480 - Why's it pointless? - Because Meekie's not going to 32 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,560 want to hear you gabbing off every morning. 33 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,120 He's got a point there, Fletch. Hard to swing that one. 34 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,080 It's worth a try. 35 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,400 I could do weather! Weather and traffic! 36 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,800 What traffic? 37 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,760 Clockwise congestion in the showers? 38 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,080 I have got a bit of congestion, as it goes. 39 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,880 Welcome to Wakeley. By the time you've got that lot off, 40 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,880 you'll be halfway through your sentence. 41 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,000 Yeah. Well, I get them back, right? 42 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,560 I mean, there's some good memories there. 43 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:20,040 Oh, yeah, don't worry, it'll all be locked away nice and safe. 44 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,520 Like me, then, eh? 45 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,480 Oh, no, no. I said your stuff will be nice and safe. 46 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:26,120 I can't promise that you will be. 47 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:28,720 Lot of nutters in here. 48 00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,080 I'm only joking. 49 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:34,880 Are you? 50 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:35,960 No. 51 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,360 Good news, though - you're early, so the showers might still be warm. 52 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,600 They're through there. 53 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,880 Chin up, it'll fly by. 54 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,600 Really? 55 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,800 No. 56 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,040 MUSIC PLAYS 57 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,200 Ms Driscoll, turn that up, it's a tune! 58 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,880 It's loud enough. 59 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:00,320 - Don't you like this music, Ms Driscoll? - Not bad. 60 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,000 What's your sort of thing, then? I bet it's all Michael Buble 61 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,720 and magnolia candles round your house, innit? 62 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:10,360 What goes on in my house is my business, Fletcher. 63 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:11,600 Just making small talk. 64 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,240 Very funny. 65 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,040 If you must know, I'm a big fan of Take That. 66 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,400 Oh, yeah? Who's your favourite? 67 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,400 Gary? Robbie? Little Mark? 68 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:27,120 Not Howard?! 69 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,160 Howard?! That's just wrong! 70 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,560 I'm a big fan of Jason Orange myself. 71 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,800 That geezer's got some serious moves! 72 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,920 ALL CHEER 73 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,080 Shel! Shel! Shel! 74 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,000 What on earth is going on here?! 75 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,600 This is a place of work, not a discotheque. 76 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,960 It's Fletcher, sir. He's playing up. 77 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,240 Oh, why does that not surprise me? 78 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,360 Charge of insubordination is not going to look good on your record, 79 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,080 is it, Fletcher? 80 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,440 - Is it? - No, sir. - No, sir. 81 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:02,920 Turn that racket off, Driscoll. 82 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:08,600 Why'd you do that, Mr Meekie? That's a mad groove. Keeps us happy. 83 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,200 Being happy's important, Mr Meekie. 84 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,120 If we're happy, we're chill, if we're chill, we're mellow, 85 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,480 and if we're mellow, we don't cause no bother. 86 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,320 No. If you're focused, you're efficient, 87 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,080 if you're efficient, you're productive, 88 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,400 - and if you're productive, you're... - A loser. 89 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,880 What did you say? 90 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,080 I said, "Yes, sir". 91 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,720 Music is therapeutic, beneficial, and increases productivity. 92 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,360 According to who? 93 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,720 The University of Omsk. Or was it Tomsk? 94 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,840 - I can't remember. - What a load of tosh. 95 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,960 No, I read it. So did Shel. We all did. 96 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,840 - Every word. - I couldn't put it down. 97 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:46,160 Melodious sounds encourage the release of dopamine 98 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,720 in the reward centre of the brain. 99 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,560 You're not here to be rewarded! You're here to be punished. 100 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,520 Yeah, society must extract its petty revenge. 101 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,440 Yes, indeed. Speaking of which, come with me, Fletcher. 102 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,880 - Come with you where? - The Governor wants to see you. 103 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,480 Does she want some company for lunch? 104 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:06,200 You are one very small step away from going on report, laddie. 105 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:11,400 Now, apologise to Officer Driscoll for creating a disturbance. 106 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,240 Sorry, Ms Driscoll. 107 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,680 Whatever I said, whatever I did... 108 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:16,840 - ALL: - He didn't mean it. 109 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,320 We have a new arrival who's causing us some concern. 110 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,200 We have his medical report from where he was being held on remand, 111 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,520 and he appears to be in some distress. 112 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,640 - That's not surprising. - What do you mean? 113 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,920 Well, it's not exactly Center Parcs in here, is it? 114 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,560 Quiet, Fletcher. 115 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,480 This prisoner is suffering from depression. 116 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,280 There may even be suicidal tendencies. 117 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:42,640 What do you want from me? 118 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,080 We'd like you to be a listener. 119 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,200 - A what? - We want you to connect with him. 120 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,400 Get to know him and monitor his situation. 121 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:50,920 You want me to be a snitch? 122 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,280 - Not at all. - Yes, you do. 123 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:55,000 I become his friend, listen to what he's got to say, then I tell you - 124 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,320 - that's a snitch. That's grassing someone up. - I did express a concern 125 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,680 that Fletcher wasn't exactly suitable for this assignment, Ma'am. 126 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,480 I think he's highly suitable. 127 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,000 Fletcher's one of the brightest people in here. 128 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:10,440 Apart from that Oxford don who poisoned his mother-in-law. 129 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:13,800 We wouldn't want you in any way to betray confidences. 130 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,160 Just watch for warning signs in his behaviour. 131 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,720 - We'd have to move you into his cell, of course. - I don't know about that. 132 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,840 Being locked up all night with a suicidal maniac? 133 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,920 He's not a maniac, he's a depressive. 134 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,240 Oh, that's all right, then. Be a laugh a minute. 135 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,920 There is another factor you should be aware of - 136 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,240 he's well known in certain areas. 137 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:36,000 What areas? Snowdonia? New Forest? Hampstead Heath? 138 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:39,480 Professionally. Some of the other inmates may recognise him. 139 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,800 Off the telly, is he? Please say it's Piers Morgan! 140 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:49,240 For God's sake, he's a rock star. His name is Rob Strange. 141 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,280 Rob Strange? The lead singer with Dirty Curtsy? 142 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,840 - Whoever they are. - I'll do what I can. 143 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:58,120 Mind you, there is an unwritten rule inside, relating to us and them. 144 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,840 - Quid pro quo. Tit for tat. - Meaning? 145 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,120 Meaning, what's in it for me? 146 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,880 Let's just say I would not be ungrateful. 147 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,120 In that case, I'd like to start up our own radio station. 148 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,720 Radio Wakeley. I just need a spot to set up some gear, 149 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:11,880 and I'll be the resident DJ. 150 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,320 Anything to get out of making lobster pots, is that it? 151 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,200 Well, I couldn't do both, Mr Meekie. 152 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,120 I might be prepared to consider that. 153 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,000 - All right, I'll do what I can. - Thank you. You can go. 154 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,240 When I get my radio show up and running, 155 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,440 I want to do a sort of Desert Island Discs thing. 156 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,960 You can be my first guest, Mr Meekie, so start making a list, 157 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,880 but remember, you can only have one Justin Bieber record. 158 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,560 - Just arrived? - Yeah. 159 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,640 They give all the new blokes a mop and a bucket. 160 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:47,480 I suppose they think it eases you in. I'm Fletch. Got a name? 161 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,040 Just a number in here. 162 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,480 Yeah, still got to assert your identity, though, ain't you? 163 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,440 That's why we've all got tattoos and haircuts. 164 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,040 Got enough tats. 165 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,160 And you used to have a lot more hair, too, didn't you? 166 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,680 I know who you are, Rob. 167 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,800 I remember when you used to look like this. 168 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,280 Another lifetime, man. 169 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:09,200 Yeah. I saw you play at the O2. 170 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,840 I went with my ex. It's a special memory for me. 171 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:13,280 Birthday or something, was it? 172 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,600 The night before I got nicked. 173 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,480 Yeah, that was a one-off charity gig, you know. 174 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,800 And the band sort of split up after that. 175 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,520 - Creative differences? - Partly, yeah. 176 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,440 But I also swizzled the drummer's old lady. 177 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:28,960 What, his wife? 178 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,080 No, his mum. 179 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,920 So what happened when the band split up? 180 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,960 Oh, I was all over the place, you know. 181 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,920 I didn't have a reason to get up in the morning. 182 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,800 Weren't you dating Miss Finland? 183 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:46,040 That would have got me up in the morning. 184 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,240 And probably again after a bacon sandwich. 185 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:54,440 I went on a six month bender. I was really caning it. 186 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:58,400 I got into crystal meth, and then I ended up cooking it. 187 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:02,240 - Where was this? - Chipping Norton. 188 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,640 There's a crystal meth lab in Chipping Norton?! 189 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:08,200 Who were you working for the Stow-on-the-Wold cartel? 190 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,920 No, no, I wasn't supplying, it was just a bit of personal, you know? 191 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:15,400 Years ago, I bought this massive gaff in the country, 192 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,880 and I was cooking crystal meth in the shed at the bottom 193 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:19,880 of the garden. 194 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:25,560 - In a shed? - Yeah, and one night, I had this terrible accident. 195 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:29,960 The whole thing, you know, it just sort of, like, blew up. 196 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,640 And the shed ended up in the graveyard, OK, 197 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:39,400 and it demolished three headstones, 198 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,760 and killed a cat. 199 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:45,600 Killed a cat! That's a year on your stretch right there. 200 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:49,160 - Heavy trip, man, being sent down. - Don't worry, Rob. 201 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,040 I think they're putting you in a cell with me, 202 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,680 so we can see it through together. 203 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,600 You don't want to hang out with me, Fletch. I'll just drag you down. 204 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,120 Could be worse, mate. 205 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,720 You could be one of Coldplay. 206 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:07,280 - What are you doing? - Moving out. - How come? 207 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,200 I've been tasked from above. 208 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,360 They're putting me in a cell with this bloke, Rob. 209 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,640 I've got to report what he says and how he behaves. 210 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:14,920 Oh, you're a snitch. 211 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,400 No! Shh! I'm a listener. 212 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,480 Yeah, that's a snitch. Lowest of the low. 213 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:23,880 No, this is different. He's got suicidal tendencies. 214 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,960 - I might save his life. - Rob, did you say? I processed him. 215 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,480 He's a Hell's Angel or something, isn't he? 216 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:35,280 - No, he's a rock star, which makes me the friend of a rock star. - Mm. 217 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,640 - He's in a big rock band called Dirty Curtsy. - Never heard of them. 218 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:42,800 Well, that's hardly surprising, Joe. What was the last record you bought? 219 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,640 Da Ya Think I'm Sexy? Rod Stewart. 220 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,800 And were you sexy in those days? 221 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,000 Well, Deirdre Ennersly thought so. 222 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,560 - All right, I have to ask... - Oh, she were lovely. 223 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:02,000 The bell rang, I opened the door and there she stood, like a vision, 224 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,080 in overalls and a tool belt. 225 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,240 I said, "Who are you?" 226 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:14,440 She said, "I'm Deirdre, and I've come to convert you to natural gas". 227 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,240 Well, you dream of Deirdre while I'm gone. 228 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,360 And it's only temporary - I'll be back. 229 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,360 Oh, don't rush back on my account. 230 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,360 It's a luxury having a cell to yourself. 231 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,760 I might keep to the bottom bunk, though, 232 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,200 cos if I go up top, I might never get down again. 233 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,520 I won't be missed, then? 234 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,200 It'll be nice to live in a fart-free zone for a change. 235 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:43,840 All right, Rob? 236 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,560 Yeah, yeah. You know the ropes, Fletch - am I up or down? 237 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,040 Down. We don't want you leaping off the top bunk, do we? 238 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:55,360 Oi! 239 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,760 - What are you doing?! - Those pills, where did you get them? 240 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,200 Have you found a dealer already? 241 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,480 I got them off the MO. They're my anti-depressants. 242 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:05,040 Oh. Sorry. I thought they were laxatives. 243 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:08,240 You know, two blokes, one loo, small cell - not a good idea! 244 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,760 Probably a bit smaller than what you're used to. 245 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:14,880 Yeah. I went to a Buddhist retreat once. It was either that or rehab. 246 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:19,200 I lived in this monastic cell. It was smaller than this one. 247 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,680 - Where was that, Katmandu? - Warrington. 248 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,560 Well, hopefully that experience will get you through this. 249 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,480 Feel free to "Om" any time you want. 250 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,080 They won't give me a hard time in here, Fletch, will they? 251 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,360 You know, because I'm famous. 252 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,560 You're a rock star, Rob. That's legendary status right there. 253 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:39,520 Might have been a different situation if you'd won the Bake-Off. 254 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,840 - I'll bet you've got some good stories. - I've got a few, yeah. 255 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,280 You know, I'm going to get this radio station up and running, 256 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,200 and when I do, you can be me first guest. 257 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,640 - Oh, what would I talk about? - I don't know. 258 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:55,360 The surprising sonic sensibilities of Metallica's last album? 259 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:58,920 Or just how about how many birds you've had in a hot tub. 260 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:01,480 - Seven. - Brilliant. 261 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:02,920 No, no, it was six, actually, 262 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:06,160 cos one of them wasn't "technically" a woman. 263 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,040 You all right, Rob? 264 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,320 Yeah. 265 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,160 - Can't sleep? - I can't sleep 266 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:24,600 because you keep asking me if I'm all right every ten minutes. 267 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,920 Sorry, mate. I know how it is, first night inside. 268 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,360 Desperate. If you need to talk, I'm a good listener. 269 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,080 When I say, "I'm a good listener," 270 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,760 I don't mean I'm a listener who tells other people. 271 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,680 I mean that I don't mind listening, you know, for myself. 272 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:44,720 Yeah, whatever. I could kill for a smoke. 273 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:48,280 I think I've got some gum somewhere. 274 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,920 There was a reason I had my meltdown when I did, Fletch. 275 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,120 In the shed in Chippy? 276 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,920 Something really heavy happened after that last gig. 277 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:03,720 This girl called Astrid comes backstage afterwards. 278 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,520 Swedish, she's about 22. 279 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,600 She's studying Archaeology in the UK. 280 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,280 I can imagine for myself, Rob. Gorgeous girl in your dressing room, 281 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,280 glass of bubbly, plate of chicken wings. Who can blame you? 282 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,320 She said I was her dad. 283 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:24,040 No, no, go back to chicken wings! 284 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:25,920 Yeah, well, I thought she was trying it on, 285 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:29,120 so I got security to haul her arse out of there. 286 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:33,880 And then I looked at my old diaries, and I realised who her mum was. 287 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,560 I was only with her about three months. 288 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,000 So she really was your daughter? 289 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,800 Yeah. And I blanked her out. 290 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,960 And now it's doing my head in. 291 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,800 Don't beat yourself up, Rob. You can still find her. 292 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,560 There are ways. Let me have a think about it. 293 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:49,840 How did you end up in here? 294 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:54,200 I was a hacker. Top drawer. Had it away for a while. 295 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,960 Then I went on a binge with this girl, Davina. 296 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,040 She was gorgeous. Quite posh and all. 297 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,760 Went to the same school as Kate Middleton. 298 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,520 - Oh, expensive tastes? - Not many. 299 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,600 I was ripping off credit cards to pay for her lifestyle. 300 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,680 Course, she dumped me the day I got done. 301 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:12,280 Took off with some Argentinian geezer who plays for Man City. 302 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,400 Lives in a mansion now. 303 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:19,720 His and hers Ferraris, a helipad, and a wood-fired pizza oven. 304 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,440 And he don't even play for the first team. 305 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,160 I hate Man City. 306 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:26,440 - Who's your team, then? - Palace. 307 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,800 Oh! I can see why you need those pills. 308 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,000 As the newest member of the group, Rob, 309 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,040 is there anything you'd like to say? 310 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:37,880 I miss hair. 311 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,280 Hair? 312 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,160 He used to have a lot of it. Tell her why you cut it off. 313 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:47,000 I just wanted to get rid of the old Rob Strange and find a new identity. 314 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,600 If I had your talent, I'd parlay my pain into music. 315 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,800 Write songs about it. That's what's the blues is all about - 316 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,400 freight trains, cotton fields, pain, misery. 317 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,040 FLETCHER IMITATES BLUES RIFF 318 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,440 # I woke up this morning...# 319 00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,840 FLETCHER IMITATES BLUES RIFF 320 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,840 They all start like that, don't they? 321 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,280 FLETCHER IMITATES BLUES RIFF 322 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,880 # I woke up this morning, I missed the bus...# 323 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,400 FLETCHER IMITATES BLUES RIFF 324 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,400 - # I woke up this morning...# - Fletcher! 325 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:15,720 It'd be a blessing if I didn't wake up one morning. 326 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,640 Listen, mate, Irish is right. Write about sad stuff. 327 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,720 Of course, no-one minted more out of misery than Morrissey. 328 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,840 He turned a whole generation into manic depressives. 329 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:28,280 - No point. It's all been said. - No, it hasn't, Rob. 330 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,320 Your music spoke to the disenfranchised, 331 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,480 the disillusioned, and the downtrodden. 332 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,240 - How do you know? - I had all his records at uni. 333 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:37,720 And I saw him live. Seven times. 334 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:42,280 Seven times? I thought you looked familiar. 335 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,120 THEY CHEER LADDISHLY 336 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,200 Can you sign my arm, please? 337 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,880 It's not for me. 338 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,400 Fletcher! 339 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,560 - How are you finding him? - It's a tricky one, Doc. 340 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,840 He's a nice bloke, but he's got a lot of baggage. 341 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,040 Another victim of too much too soon, much like myself. 342 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,360 Would it help if he worked alongside you? 343 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,600 Oh, no. Too much varnish in the workshop. 344 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,880 - Varnish? - A couple of glugs, 345 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,760 arriverderci. 346 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,560 And I wouldn't let him have any bleach when he's mopping floors. 347 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:26,120 Yeah, good point. Are you finding it a strain, Fletcher? 348 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,280 I can't pretend it isn't a lot of stress. 349 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,280 Like walking on eggshells. 350 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,880 The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of that DJ gig 351 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,160 I was promised. 352 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,960 You weren't promised, Fletcher, and there are no guarantees. 353 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:41,120 All I will say is that the Governor is not ungrateful. 354 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,080 Let me ask you something - 355 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,840 did you have a little poster of him up on your bedroom wall? 356 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:48,120 A lock of his hair in a little box? 357 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:53,040 - A tattoo of his name on your...? - None of your business. 358 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,840 And I had it removed when I got engaged. 359 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,760 Visiting day today. Got anyone in? 360 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,400 Yeah, Weasel. 361 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,760 Your drummer? I thought you swizzled his mum? 362 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:14,880 Yeah, well, I wasn't the only one. 363 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,640 Have you got anyone coming in? 364 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,520 - Yeah, my ex. - Davina? 365 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,200 No, Karen, the one I dumped for Davina. 366 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:25,120 I've got horrible feeling she's come to give me a piece of her mind. 367 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:26,480 That's a nice washbag. 368 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,280 Now, before you start, I'd just like to say... 369 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,680 Start what? 370 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,040 Well, you've obviously come here cos you've got the hump. 371 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,400 - I haven't got the hump. - Really? 372 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,560 On the contrary, it's very good to see you. 373 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,880 - Is it? - It is. 374 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,400 In here. 375 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,520 Oh, I see. You've come to gloat have you? 376 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:54,800 Yeah, I have. 377 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,400 - Can we just be civil? - Yeah, sure. 378 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,160 Is the food nice? 379 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,040 - No. - Good. 380 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,520 - Right, I'm done. - Oh, no, I'm only just getting started, 381 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,320 - Nigel. - I hate it when you call me Nigel. 382 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:10,440 I know. 383 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:19,920 You, Nigel, are an unfeeling, insensitive, chauvinistic pig. 384 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,880 - You devastated me. - I know. 385 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,800 And I'm sorry. 386 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,920 I was selfish and I was stupid, and I'm sorry. 387 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,480 See that bloke over there? 388 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,920 Not the one with the ponytail, the one sitting opposite him. 389 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,600 The one who looks like a bald Rob Strange? 390 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,040 Shh! 391 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,920 That IS Rob Strange. 392 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,800 And he's paranoid about losing his barnet. 393 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,840 Well, they've put me in a cell with him. Got to know him a bit. 394 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:48,800 Now, he really has lost everything. House, wife, money. 395 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,840 - Hair. - Shh! 396 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,280 I used to love Rob Strange. 397 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,800 Such a shame to see him like this. 398 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,920 You know what? You could do me a favour. 399 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,080 Him, do HIM a favour, not me. 400 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,000 - Strange. - You what? - How is he? 401 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,480 He's still alive. 402 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,200 No small feat when you consider how easy it is to get a weapon in here. 403 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,000 How is his general demeanour? 404 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,000 Well, he's in prison, so he's been better. 405 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,040 - I have an idea that might accelerate his recovery. - Go on. 406 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,720 Transfer him to the hospital wing, and put me in the bed next to him. 407 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,800 - Nice try, Fletcher. - I'm just putting it out there. 408 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,440 I know you'd never forgive yourself if anything happened to him. 409 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,000 Stop trying to manipulate everything to your own advantage. 410 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,760 Nothing much else to do in here. 411 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:36,400 I need to ask you a...favour. 412 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,080 - A what? - A favour. 413 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,160 Is it one that I can manipulate to me own advantage? 414 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,560 Oh, for God's sake, man! 415 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:46,520 I want you to ask Prisoner Strange to autograph these. 416 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,200 Rock fan, Mr Meekie! Who knew? 417 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,200 Do I look like a rock fan? 418 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,880 I despise the music, the lyrics are offensive, 419 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,360 the ones you can understand. 420 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:01,120 Maybe you should ask him yourself. You've got a way with words. 421 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,240 - Perhaps not. Best wishes to...? - Doon.. 422 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,720 No. Doon. 423 00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:11,080 It's the name of my wife. 424 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,400 Ah. Big fan, is she? 425 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,240 In her youth, yes. 426 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,000 - Did she ever see them live? - I gather she saw them a few times. 427 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,760 - Did she ever go backstage? - I know where you're going with this! 428 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:25,120 - And don't! - I seem to be doing everyone favours these days. 429 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,200 - Hope this'll be noted on my record. - The Governor will not be ungrateful. 430 00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,400 And if you get those signed, neither will I. 431 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,760 ATTEMPTED SCOTTISH ACCENT: The Governor will not be ungrateful. 432 00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,200 I think they're my favourite words in the English language. 433 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:44,200 Right up there with, "Mr Fletcher, we're upgrading you to first class". 434 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:49,200 Mine would be "Not guilty, Lotterby, case dismissed". 435 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:53,120 That's a good one, yeah. Or how about, "This is the concierge. 436 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:56,080 "Miss Scarlett Johansson would like to see you in the suite". 437 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,600 - Who? - Scarlett Johansson. She... 438 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,800 Oh, don't worry, it's a sexual thing, Joe. 439 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,200 You're a bit out of touch with that since Deirdre from the Gas Board. 440 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,920 That's where you're wrong. There was conjugal visits in me last nick. 441 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:11,680 I've had it off a lot more recent than you think. 442 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:13,320 Yeah? How recent? 443 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,320 July the 27th. 444 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,120 1998. 445 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:21,680 Morning, all. 446 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,360 You're listening to radio made by prisoners for prisoners. 447 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,880 The M25 is gridlocked, the pound's sinking, 448 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,720 there's a Tube strike tomorrow. 449 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,120 Trust me, lads - you're better off inside. 450 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,120 Thanks for doing this, Karen, I'm really grateful. 451 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:48,520 Oh, I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for Rob. 452 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:52,400 Well, maybe this can start the process of healing between us. 453 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:57,120 Easy to talk about healing when you're not the one who was wounded. 454 00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:59,840 You're not the one who had a stake through your heart 455 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,000 with your entrails bleeding on the floor... 456 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,520 All right, keep it light. Look, I said I'm sorry, and I meant it. 457 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,480 Do you want me to come again? 458 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,240 Erm... 459 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:10,880 Well, I just think that seeing me 460 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,160 seems to remind you of so much hurt and betrayal, you know? 461 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:18,120 I just think it's so much better - for your sake, not for mine - 462 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:21,160 that we make some space between us. 463 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,680 You're probably right. 464 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:23,840 Really? 465 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:27,680 Well, I mean, if that's your decision, then 466 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,440 I guess I'll just have to live with it. 467 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:34,280 Oh, er, I got you this. 468 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,800 I don't like white chocolate. 469 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,080 I know. Bye, Nigel. 470 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,520 ALARM SOUNDS 471 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:46,760 Visiting time's over. Prisoners, return to their cell blocks. 472 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,680 Do you think somebody's gone over the wall? 473 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,360 - In the middle of the afternoon? - Well... 474 00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:58,480 It's your rock star mate. He's on the roof. 475 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,000 Stay exactly where you are, Strange! 476 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:09,840 Excuse me, Governor. Fletcher here thinks he can help. 477 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:11,640 - Really? - Well, you've hardly helped so far. 478 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,520 You were supposed to be monitoring his condition, Fletcher. 479 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,960 I did, Doc. But something's triggered this. 480 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,440 Let me go up there and talk to him. 481 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:22,200 Governor, the only person qualified to negotiate in this situation 482 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,680 - is Dr Marsden. - Unfortunately, I can't. 483 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:30,320 I haven't completed my safe working at heights training. 484 00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,200 Don't do anything you'll regret later! 485 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,920 He won't regret anything if he jumps. 486 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,400 He'll be splattered all over the concrete. Let me go up there. 487 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,960 - I've got some info that might make a difference. - What info? 488 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:42,120 It's between him and me, Gov. Trust me, I can do this. 489 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,160 Governor, I must protest in the strongest possible terms. 490 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,960 This is a total breach of prison protocol. 491 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,000 You're right, Meekie. It's far too dangerous up there. 492 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:55,920 It's wet, slippery, you could fall to your death. 493 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,400 Fair enough. 494 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,520 On second thoughts, let's give Fletcher a chance. 495 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,400 - What are you doing here? - Oh, sorry. 496 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,440 I didn't realise you were up here. I was looking for someone else. 497 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,120 Don't leave me, Fletch! 498 00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:17,600 It's all right, I'm here. 499 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,040 Nice view, innit? 500 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,960 On a clear day, you can almost see the glue factory. 501 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,720 Stop making jokes, Fletch. I can't stand this. 502 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,880 Can we have this conversation somewhere else? 503 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:33,400 Don't come any closer. My mind's made up. 504 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,400 I can't hack feeling like this. 505 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:39,720 Even if I do my stretch, what's waiting for me when I get out? 506 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,120 - Well, there's your daughter. - What you talking about? 507 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,320 - I got my ex to trace her. - Really? 508 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:49,200 They've made contact on Facebook, and they've spoken on the phone. 509 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:50,480 She wants to see you, Rob. 510 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,840 You're not having me on, are you, Fletch? 511 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:05,600 I swear to God. Now, can we go downstairs? 512 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:09,040 It's fish pie tonight. Best meal of the week, 513 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,720 if you don't eat the fish. Come on. 514 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,880 - Help me! Rob! - I can't, it's too dangerous! 515 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:20,760 - I might fall to my death! - Rob, please! Take my hand! 516 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,960 Whatever you do, don't look down! 517 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:29,480 FLETCHER GRUNTS AND MOANS 518 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:33,560 Oh, you! Oh! 519 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,880 Did you slip? 520 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:44,040 I'd like to thank you, Fletcher, on behalf of myself and all the staff. 521 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,280 What's going to happen to him? 522 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,480 He's in hospital, and his daughter's already arranged to visit. 523 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:50,880 I'm recommending that he's transferred to an open prison. 524 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,520 Good idea. Much more amenable to recovery, that. 525 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:57,560 I should go with him. We can take tennis lessons together. 526 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,320 That's not going to happen, 527 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,840 but I am aware that we owe you a debt of gratitude. 528 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,960 Well, if you remember, I had a thought about that. 529 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,320 You did indeed. 530 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,400 It's good to have you safely back down in one piece, Fletcher. 531 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:12,200 - Isn't it, Mr Meekie? - Oh... 532 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:20,880 Wakey, wakey, this is Radio Wakeley, with me, Fletch! 533 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,720 This is The Breakfast Show, you'll be waking up with me every morning. 534 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,120 No, not like that! 535 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:27,960 Today, we're saying goodbye to our mate, Rob Strange. 536 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,680 He's off to an open prison. Good luck, Rob. 537 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,160 He's left some signed CDs 538 00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:34,840 for those of you who didn't get a chance to shake his hand in person. 539 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,920 To win yourself one, you've just got to answer this one question - 540 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:42,520 how many times did Mr Meekie's wife go backstage with Rob and his band? 541 00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,720 Was it A, five times, B, six times, 542 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,080 or C, 13 times? 543 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,960 While you think about that, here's Status Quo... 544 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,720 SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..with Doon, Doon, Deeper And Doon.