1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,600 JUDGE: Nigel Norman Fletcher, 2 00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,720 you have been found guilty of the charges 3 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,760 brought against you and it is now my duty to pass sentence. 4 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,240 DOOR CLOSES 5 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:11,560 KEY TURNS LOCK 6 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,240 Cyber-crime is a modern menace. 7 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:16,560 A man of your obvious ingenuity 8 00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:20,560 and intelligence might have used his gifts on behalf of society. 9 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,000 DOORS CLOSE, BUZZER BEEPS, BARS CLOSE 10 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:27,720 Instead, you chose to employ them in the pursuit of self-indulgence, 11 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:29,640 greed and gain. 12 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:37,200 You will now face the consequences and go to prison for five years. 13 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,840 ALARM BEEPS OWL HOOTS 14 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:48,120 - Ow! Hell's Bells! - Oh, bloody hell, Fletch! 15 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:51,800 Every bloody morning you wake me up at some ungodly hour. 16 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,840 Duty calls, Joe. Go back to sleep. 17 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,960 I can't go back to sleep. When I'm awake, I'm awake. 18 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,320 CRUNCHING 19 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,320 - What was that noise? - What was what noise? 20 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,480 That crunching noise. You stood on something. 21 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,600 - No, I didn't. - It better not be my Leaning Tower Of Pisa. 22 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:10,760 It's leaning a bit further now. 23 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:16,880 Aw, Fletch! I got a special mention for that in art class. 24 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,160 Just a bit of glue, that's all it needs. 25 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,240 Labour of love, this was, you know. Kept me sane. 26 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,840 Gave me a sense of pride and accomplishment. 27 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,280 - Meant a lot to me. - Well, if it meant that much to you, 28 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,080 you shouldn't have left it on the floor, should you? 29 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:31,560 I could've got a splinter. 30 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,080 Come on, Fletcher. Early bird catches the worm. 31 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,360 - Look, I'll make it up to you, all right? - You can start 32 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:38,760 by not waking me up at the crack of dawn every morning. 33 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,360 All right. 34 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,600 Good morning losers, larcenists, layabouts. 35 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,680 Lots to talk about today. Congratulations to Scuddsy for 36 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,760 passing his massage therapy course 37 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,120 or, as his first client described it, GBH. 38 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,680 But, first, here's a song for all those poor blokes 39 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:56,600 that are in here for something they didn't do. 40 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,120 They didn't run fast enough. 41 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,680 # Keep on running 42 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,160 # Keep on hiding 43 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,840 # One fine day I'm gonna be the one 44 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,840 # To make you understand 45 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,480 # Oh, yeah 46 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,160 # I'm gonna be your man 47 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:16,560 # Hey, hey, hey 48 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:20,000 # Everyone is talking about me 49 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,760 # It makes me feel so sad 50 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,320 # Hey, hey, hey 51 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,920 # Everyone is laughing at me 52 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,440 # It makes me feel so bad 53 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,680 # So keep on running... # 54 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:33,960 You know what? 55 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,080 Incarceration's a funny thing, innit? 56 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,680 At least on the outside you get to choose who you bunk down with. 57 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,640 On the inside, it's wrong'un roulette, innit? 58 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,640 I'm starting to miss my ex-girlfriends. 59 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,720 I had one who was a thoroughbred lunatic but at least she smelt nice, 60 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:50,160 unlike some people in here. Naming no names. 61 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,360 Anyway, here's a song for my cellmate - Joe Lotterby - 62 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,560 Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit. 63 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:58,560 Or in your case, Joe, smells like moth balls. 64 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,720 Good show today, Fletch. I was just wondering, 65 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:13,400 could you play some Chas and Dave, London's finest? 66 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,680 I might be able to. Any preferences? 67 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:20,440 Snooker Loopy maybe? Or Gertcha? 68 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,000 Wallop! That's a tune! 69 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,640 You're a dark horse, aren't you, Shel? 70 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,920 - You never play any hip-hop. - I can't please everyone. 71 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,800 - Are you ever going to play any Yes? - No. 72 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,200 Hold on to your handbags, here comes Ullett. 73 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,480 - Is this seat taken? - Yes. - Don't look like it. 74 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,160 You know you're not welcome, Ullett. 75 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:44,000 - It's nothing personal, it's just we don't like you. - Why not? 76 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,840 Cos you're a thieving little git who'd sell his own grandmother. 77 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,040 - Who told you that? - The bloke who bought her. 78 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,080 I'll tell you what, if you can tell us a joke we ain't heard before, 79 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:58,120 - we'll let you have your breakfast with us. - All right. 80 00:03:58,120 --> 00:03:59,960 This elephant walks into a bar... 81 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,200 Heard it. Get lost. 82 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,520 Enjoyed your show. How come you never play any U2? 83 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,240 Aren't things bad enough as it is? 84 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,200 Tell you what, I might you do you a favour if you can help me out. 85 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:15,040 - What favour's that? - Seeing as you're our resident tattoo artist, 86 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,520 I wondered if you could take them off as well as put 'em on? 87 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,720 Cos I think it's time I got rid of "Davina." 88 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,360 Well, I can't take 'em off but I can cover 'em up. 89 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,440 Davina, though, a lot of letters. 90 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,600 Shame I never went for someone called called Joy. 91 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:30,280 I'll fit you in, it's the least I can do. 92 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,280 Bro, you've got that DJ business down. 93 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,960 You could do it when you go out. Maybe even the BBC. 94 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,960 What? Stuck in a radio booth all week for a few hundred quid? 95 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,680 No, no, no. 96 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,280 Freelance DJ, now you're talking. 97 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,280 Backpack and a memory stick. 98 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,200 Parties in Dubai, Moscow, Hong Kong, 99 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,280 50K a night and A-list crumpet. 100 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,080 Got it all worked out, have you? Bit premature. 101 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,640 - You've got at least three years ahead of you. - Not necessarily. 102 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:56,200 - What's that mean? - Not saying. 103 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,600 What do you know that we don't? 104 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,960 - Not saying. Don't want to jinx it. - Jinx what? 105 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,160 What I'm not prepared to say nothing about. 106 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,880 I'll tell you what, I'm taking a phone call at the end of the day, 107 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,080 after which I might be able to shed some light. 108 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:14,080 Shed some light! I've got it. You're doing your electrician's course. 109 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:17,680 Give me strength. 110 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,600 What you got there, Joe? 111 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,560 About four weeks of painstaking work in ruins. 112 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,320 You know I have to get up before sparrow's fart and I have to 113 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,920 get dressed in the dark, and you leave things on the floor. 114 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,040 Trouble in paradise. The honeymoon is over. 115 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,200 Tell you what, you said you had an embarrassing tat 116 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,400 you wanted to get rid of. Irish will take care of it on me. 117 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,560 - Gang tat, is it? - Were you in a gang, Joe? 118 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,120 Yeah! 1959, I were a Teddy boy. 119 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,960 Drape jacket with a velvet collar. Drainpipe pants. 120 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,440 Hair creamed back into a duck's arse. 121 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,840 You had hair in them days, then? 122 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:59,560 Yeah. And three inch crepe-soled shoes. I was the bee's knees. 123 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,160 What was the worst thing you ever did? 124 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,240 Ooh... Day trip to Scarborough. 125 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:12,480 Went on the pop, got into a fight and I desecrated the floral clock. 126 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,800 - So where's the tattoo? - It's "Pauline" on my left buttock, 127 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,120 but I'm not certain if she's still there. 128 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,400 What do you mean you're not certain she's still there? 129 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:28,440 Well, she might have faded away - I can't see down there - 130 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:32,520 like her face has faded from my memory. 131 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,360 - Any volunteers to check him out in the showers? - Pass. 132 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,720 - Pass. - Cheeky sods. 133 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,640 Bring your buttock over later, Joe. I'll take care of it. 134 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,880 - Busy, Fletcher? - I am, as it happens, Mr Braithewaite. 135 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:48,680 - Preparing for tomorrow's radio show. - That's why I'm here. 136 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,320 I've been tasked with the job of seeing you don't include 137 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,920 - anything inappropriate. - I'm not sure I know what you mean. 138 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,440 Some of your jokes of late have been a little risque, 139 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,720 - bordering on the blue. - Oh, you mean one about the gang 140 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,920 nicking all the toilets out the police station? 141 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,560 - Remind me. - Spokesperson said, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." 142 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:07,680 "Nothing to go on." 143 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,760 Oh, I see. That seems harmless enough. 144 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,000 But the one about the haggis and the rabbi... 145 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,520 - Mr Meekie took offence, did he? - He did, yes. 146 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,880 - So...what have you got for us tomorrow? - You'll love this one. 147 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,560 It's late at night in the countryside 148 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,720 - and a copper's doing his rounds. - In a car or on his bike? 149 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,040 It don't matter, does it? 150 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,520 What matters is he sees something strange in a field, 151 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,440 - a bloke having it off with a pumpkin. - Having it off? 152 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,520 - Yeah. - With a pumpkin? 153 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,000 Yeah. 154 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,080 What does the policeman do? 155 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,800 He walks over quietly in his size 12 boots, 156 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,480 gets out his torch, flashes it, and he says, 157 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,480 "Why are you having sex with a pumpkin?" 158 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,960 And the bloke turns round and says, "Oh, no, is it midnight already?" 159 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,440 Midnight because...? 160 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,760 Think of Cinderella. 161 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,040 Oh, I see! 162 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,680 But Cinderella didn't turn into a pumpkin - 163 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,080 that was the coach. 164 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:12,680 And the footmen, they were turned back into frogs, or was it mice? 165 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:15,160 No, she found herself back in her kitchen rags. 166 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,240 You're a comedian's despair, Mr Braithewaite. 167 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,040 Nor do I understand why the man was having sex with the pumpkin 168 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,680 - in the first place. - Did I fail to mention it was in Scotland? 169 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,560 Point of fact, Mr Meekie's home town. 170 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,280 Mr Hardacre, please. It's Nigel Fletcher. 171 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,200 Yes, he's expecting my call. 172 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:43,360 Now listen, and listen carefully, it's all going down Friday night. 173 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,880 It's a big haul, gold bars as well as cash and sparklers. 174 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:52,200 There'll be security but they won't make themselves too busy, 175 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,840 not if everyone's tooled up with Uzis and AKs. 176 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:58,800 Give Maggie my love. 177 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,600 Hope her psoriasis has cleared up. 178 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,160 Ciao. 179 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,560 Scuddsy, are you mental? 180 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,680 You know the screws ear wig our calls. 181 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,520 I know they do, I just love winding them up. 182 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,360 - Is that your mum? Let me say hello. - No, I'm on the phone 183 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,680 to a very expensive brief 184 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,520 and I've got to talk very quickly cos I'm paying him by the minute. 185 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:30,520 Hello? Yes, it is me. Never mind the weather, what happened? 186 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,880 Postponed? For six months? 187 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,120 Why? 188 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,440 You told me it'd be sorted in a week, 189 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,320 that's why I pay you all this money. 190 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,200 OK. You know what you should do, don't you? 191 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,560 You should do what a duck can't but a goose can. 192 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,040 Stick your bill up your arse! 193 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,280 So... 194 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:57,440 a wee bird tells me your appeal has been turned down. 195 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,040 - SARCASTICALLY: - Aw. 196 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,800 Still, look on the bright side. It will give you and I a chance 197 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,560 - to get to know each other better. - It's been postponed, Mr Meekie. 198 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,560 If you're going to ear wig my calls, you should listen properly. 199 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,200 - Good lawyer, is he? - You know what they say, Mr Meekie. 200 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,000 "Good lawyers know the law. 201 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,600 "Great lawyers know the judge." 202 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,360 Postponed doesn't sound good. 203 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,240 At least you've got that radio show of yours 204 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,800 as a substitute for the warmth of friends and family. 205 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,040 You're enjoying this, aren't you, Mr Meekie? 206 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,520 - Don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question. - Oh, no. 207 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,880 I'd very much like to answer it...in the affirmative. 208 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:39,760 You should tell a lawyer joke on your programme tomorrow. 209 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,040 I know a very good one. 210 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,600 What's the difference between a lawyer and a rhinoceros? 211 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,880 I've heard it. Lawyers charge more. 212 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,240 And while we're on the subject, I know a good record you could play, 213 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,600 something your audience would be sure to appreciate. 214 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,000 - Try me. - Engelbert Humperdinck, Please Release Me. 215 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,920 MEEKIE LAUGHS 216 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,920 Ten seconds till lockdown! 217 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,440 Hurry up, Fletcher! 218 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,200 How did it go? 219 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,720 It didn't. Got postponed for six months. 220 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,360 And he was so confident. 221 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:20,080 Yeah, so were you. I told you not to count your chickens 222 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,360 but you wouldn't take no notice. 223 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,680 Forgive me for looking for a light at the end of the tunnel 224 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,360 but I do actually want to get out of here! 225 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,520 All I was trying to tell you was that you might be barking up 226 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,280 the wrong tree and flogging a dead horse. 227 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,480 What's a dead horse doing up a tree? 228 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:39,280 Look, you've got to be resilient inside. 229 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,240 Look for little victories, that's what your grandad used to say, 230 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,920 cos I don't want you going ending up like Billy Forester. 231 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:49,600 All right, who is, or who was, Billy Forrester? 232 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,160 He were a fella I shared a cell with about 20 years ago. 233 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:57,320 He were a lot like you - cheeky and full of fun. 234 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,600 He had his appeal turned down. 235 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,880 - What happened? - Well, it went on for months but it changed him. 236 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,400 He started mumbling to himself 237 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,360 and he never smiled. 238 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:12,240 He just sat there like a pimple on a gherkin. 239 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,800 - Did he get out? - No, he got two years added on. 240 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,760 - What for? - Strangulation. 241 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,160 What, his solicitor? 242 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,160 No, me. I were trying to cheer him up. 243 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,880 JOE SNORES LOUDLY 244 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,760 JOE FARTS 245 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,200 JOE: Oh, no, no, don't! 246 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,920 JOE WAILS IN HIS SLEEP 247 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,960 Oh, no, no, no! 248 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,480 No, stop it, stop it! 249 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,400 Eileen, stop it! 250 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,320 JOE MOANS 251 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,080 HE FARTS 252 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,240 ALARM BEEPS 253 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,240 Oh, no. No, no, no. That is out of order. 254 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,840 That is totally out of order! 255 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:36,400 What? You're out of order, waking me every bloody morning. 256 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,200 No, you're out of order. 257 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,120 I haven't slept a wink all night because of you and now this. 258 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,400 What? 259 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:47,320 Oh, I was cutting my toenails last night. 260 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,960 And what do we do when we cut our toenails? 261 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,120 We only do them when we're alone, which I was, 262 00:13:56,120 --> 00:14:01,080 and we throw the parings away, which I did, except I missed one. 263 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:02,680 Yeah, you missed one. 264 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,360 You're making a mountain out of a molehill. 265 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,720 There we go again, Inspector Cliche. 266 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,960 It's no wonder Billy Whatsisname tried to strangle you 267 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,920 - because it has to said, Joe, you have habits. - What habits? 268 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,360 You're always sniffing in the morning and you're always 269 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,800 scratching your head. If it's not your head, it's your nose. 270 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,560 If it's not your nose, it's your apple sack. 271 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,480 If it's not your applesack, it's your backside. 272 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,880 It won't be scratching my backside for a few days since Irish 273 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,560 removed Eileen. I can't hardly sit down. 274 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,840 You said her name was Pauline. 275 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,160 I know I did but it turned out different. 276 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:38,720 I've no idea who Eileen was or why she's been beautifying my bum 277 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,360 - all these years. - We're getting off the point. 278 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,360 That's another thing that drives me crazy, 279 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,840 leaping from subject to subject like a grasshopper. 280 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,880 I've never complained about your snoring. 281 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,720 You ought to wear on of them adjustable chin straps. 282 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,280 Adjustable chin strap? How dare you! 283 00:14:54,280 --> 00:15:01,120 Listen, son, I've been doing stir for years and I get through it. 284 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,640 You've been here for five minutes 285 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,560 and you're bleating like a constipated sheep. 286 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,040 All I'm saying is there has to be rules, standards. 287 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:12,640 Yes, all right, I'll try. But a leopard can't... 288 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,240 Change his spots? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 289 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:16,760 And you can't teach an old dog... 290 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,160 To bark up a new tree? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 291 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,480 - And curiosity killed the cat. - What's that got to do with anything? 292 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,600 It's the only cliche you haven't used! 293 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,120 HE BANGS ON DOOR 294 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,240 Let me out of here! I'm trying to storm out! 295 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:37,520 Morning, losers. Welcome to another day wasted at the Greybar Hotel. 296 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,760 We're stuck in here and we're going to hell. 297 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,680 Things can't get any worse. 298 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,240 I think it's time we did something about it. 299 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,840 This is the Kaiser Chiefs. 300 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,520 # I predict a riot 301 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,280 # I predict a riot 302 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:55,120 # I predict a riot 303 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,480 # I predict a riot... # 304 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,880 MEEKIE BLOWS WHISTLE 305 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,200 What on earth is going on here? 306 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,640 MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH RADIO 307 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:14,400 - What was that about, Fletcher? - What was what about, Mr Meekie? 308 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,280 I Predict A Riot. 309 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,720 I predict a week in solitary if there's any more of that, son. 310 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:26,440 And you played three Cure songs and a James Blunt B side? 311 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,600 If that carries on, I'll be opening up a suicide hotline. 312 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,720 Can't be chirpy all the time, Mr Meekie. 313 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,080 It was a reflection of how I feel and you know why. 314 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,600 You think you're hard-done by, do you? But just remember 315 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,120 I can make your life a lot harder. 316 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,280 I thought that was your life's purpose, Mr Meekie? 317 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,800 That radio show is a privilege, laddy, and you are abusing it. 318 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,320 Your job is to play records. 319 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,520 Speaking of which, I have another request. 320 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,880 There is a song by a band called Queen... 321 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,000 ..I Want To Break Free. 322 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,000 Oh! Can't unsee that! 323 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:16,400 It's coming along nicely, Joe. Still a bit pink but no infection. 324 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,520 He's heard that a few times over the years. 325 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:23,960 None of your lip, if you don't mind. What brings you here? 326 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,080 I've come to remove the last vestiges 327 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,000 of an unfortunate relationship. 328 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,440 Davina, the bird who ruined my life. 329 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,400 She didn't ruin your life, you did. 330 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:37,360 If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. 331 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,840 - IMITATES HIM: - If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. 332 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,240 - No pleasing some people, is there? - You two still rucking? 333 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,920 Just gets to you, this place. How do you cope? 334 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,120 Stir's part and parcel for an incorrigible like myself. 335 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,640 Having a trade helps. 336 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,080 - What's the best tattoo you ever done? - A fox hunt. 337 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,240 Some mad bugger in County Offaly. 338 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,920 Horses and hounds covered his entire back, 339 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,560 and you could just see the tip of the fox's brush sticking out 340 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,080 the crack of his arse. 341 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,360 That was my Sistine Chapel. 342 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:11,040 Well, hopefully, this won't take as long as that. 343 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,200 A shortcut would be to keep some of the letters 344 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:16,360 - and replace the others with something else. - Like what? 345 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,200 I could stick a P there at the start 346 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,080 and, at the end, make it into a G. 347 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:25,240 "Paving"? What sort of person has "paving" written on their arm? 348 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:27,840 It looked great on my Uncle Seamus. 349 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,960 - Don't know about this. - Sooner or later, you'll meet another girl 350 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,600 and she'll want it to have it off. 351 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,520 Let's hope so. 352 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,120 The tattoo, I mean. 353 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,680 - What's that? - Numbing lotion. 354 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,080 Give us half a pint and a packet of pork scratchings. 355 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,960 Fond farewells and au revoirs to two of our residents 356 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,400 who are leaving us today - 357 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:54,240 Hussein al-Rasheed and our young rapper friend, Bubonic Rap Death, 358 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,840 or, as his mum knows him, Timothy Ridley-Coombes. 359 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,040 Siberian winds coming in from the east, lads, 360 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,200 so you'll probably freeze to death anyway. 361 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,760 I've got a request in here from Mr Meekie's father-in-law. 362 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,120 I'm sorry I couldn't find the track he asked for, 363 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,280 My Son-in-law's A Joyless Spanner. 364 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,360 So here is Radiohead with Creep. 365 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:19,840 Sit down, Joe. 366 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,560 - You sure? - Of course. 367 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,120 How you doing, old timer? 368 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,920 - Doing well enough. - Tell Joe what you told me, Scudds. 369 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,000 Two geezers getting shipped out today, 370 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,800 one of them had a single cell and it ain't been filled. 371 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,640 What's that got to do with me? 372 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:38,560 Well, the kanga on that tier and me have an understanding. 373 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:42,000 I intimidate him and he gives me bars of fruit and nut. 374 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,360 I'll have a little whisper in his earhole 375 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,960 and he'll move one of yous two in. 376 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,800 Cell of your own, eh, Joe? Dream come true. 377 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,880 - So you want to get ride of me, do you? - I thought you'd be up for it. 378 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:54,920 You've been complaining about my habits. 379 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,240 - I thought it was me who had habits. - I'd rather you moved out 380 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,960 - than I get an adjustable chin strap. - Whatever. 381 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,040 Why are you giving me a hard time about this? 382 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,440 I'm trying to do you a favour. A cell of your own's a luxury 383 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,000 in the bin, especially at your age. 384 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,000 When you're my age, what a fella likes most is company. 385 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:14,520 Mind you, I've had better company talking to a wall. 386 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,280 Well, if I'm that boring, maybe you are better off on your own. 387 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:21,400 - Maybe I am. So, I'll go and shift my stuff, shall I? - Whatever. 388 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:26,120 - Can you believe that? - Does that mean yous two have split up? 389 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,320 Fletcher! Governor, now! 390 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,040 We're not... 391 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:42,160 You owe Mr Meekie an apology, Fletcher. 392 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:46,000 Yes, Ma'am. Sorry, Mr Meekie. And apologies to your father-in-law. 393 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:49,400 I don't understand what's happened to your show. 394 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,280 You persuaded me to let you have it. 395 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,880 You argued that music has a therapeutic 396 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,520 - effect on the incarcerated male. - So it does, Ma'am. 397 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,840 Yes, if it's positive and uplifting 398 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,280 and until a few days ago it was. 399 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:05,520 I enjoyed your show and I'm sure Mr Meekie did, too, didn't you? 400 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:10,480 I... It...had some merit, Ma'am, if you like that kind of thing. 401 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:14,200 But your recent choices of music, I mean, 402 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:19,080 Paint it Black, Back to Black, Black is Black. 403 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:20,640 Highway to Hell. 404 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,120 He's using music to stir up dissent and disobedience, Ma'am. 405 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,720 I have to agree with you, Mr Meekie. I'm sorry, Fletcher, 406 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,240 but I'm seriously considering taking you off the air. 407 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,720 Perhaps you're right, Ma'am. Maybe I'm not in the right frame of mind. 408 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,560 Perhaps Mr Meekie could take over, maybe he'd do a better job 409 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,280 of lifting the prisoners' spirits. 410 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,520 There's no maybe about it, laddy. 411 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,520 The majesty of Kenneth McKeller, 412 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,880 the lifting tones of Moira Anderson, 413 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,720 My Love Is Like A Red Red Rose, 414 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,840 guaranteed to raise the spirits of any man, woman or child. 415 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,920 Oh, yeah. How does that go? 416 00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:04,040 # Oh, my love is like a red red rose 417 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:08,320 # That's newly sprung in June 418 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,320 # Oh, my... # 419 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,320 Stop it, Mr Meekie. 420 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:14,840 On second thoughts, Fletcher, 421 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,840 maybe I'll give you one last chance. 422 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,600 Thank you, Ma'am. 423 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,720 - Caught you! - Caught me what? 424 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,480 Thieving, red-handed, right in the middle of the day. 425 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,240 I reckon it's a sickness with you, Ullett. 426 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,840 You're a bona fide kleptomaniac. 427 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,160 - I'm not thieving, I'm moving in. - What? 428 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,120 I've been reassigned. 429 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:40,640 By who? 430 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:45,440 Mr Meekie. So, do you want the top or bottom bunk? 431 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:49,240 Don't move. Do not unpack a sock until I sort this out. 432 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,080 You get off that bunk! 433 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,880 Don't, Fletch! 434 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,000 - It's mine! - Get off there! 435 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,160 Scuddsy, Ullett's in my cell! 436 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,240 What's he nicked? I'll get it back off him. 437 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,200 No, no, no. Meekie's put him in there. Look, you've got to talk 438 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,200 to your pet screw. I need to get Joe back in with me. Where is Joe? 439 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,600 His new cell ain't ready yet, so he's gone for a walk round the yard. 440 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,240 In this weather? He'll freeze his nuts off. 441 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:26,280 Joe, what are you doing out here in the cold, you old loon? 442 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,640 Come on, let's get you back inside. We've got a lot to talk about. 443 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,680 Joe? 444 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,320 Joe?! 445 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,760 Get the MO! It's an emergency! 446 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,800 Lotterby has been taken to hospital. 447 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,160 The MO reckons it's hypothermia. 448 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:49,720 But is going to be all right? 449 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,520 I won't sugar-coat it, Fletcher. 450 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:54,160 When they put him in the ambulance, he didn't have a pulse. 451 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,000 You not doing the radio show today, Fletch? 452 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,400 Don't feel like it just yet. 453 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:13,360 - It's all my fault. - No, it's not. He was pretty old. 454 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:16,880 Did he ever talk about it? How he wanted to go, like? 455 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:20,560 - Burial or cremation? - Cremation, that would be my choice. 456 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,680 You would say that, Loomis, you're an arsonist. 457 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:27,360 In India, they have a funeral pyre and the body floats down the Ganges. 458 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,640 I quite fancy a Viking funeral. 459 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,440 What's that? 460 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,920 They put your body in a boat full of kindling wood, 461 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,800 push it out to sea, 462 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,840 then set fire to it with flaming arrows. 463 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:44,160 Not being funny, Shel, but you don't look much like a Viking to me. 464 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,120 And the closest you've been to the sea is Bermondsey. 465 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:51,440 We take our holidays in Ilfracombe. 466 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,960 Scudds, what did the hospital say? 467 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,400 Spoke to the nurse... 468 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:02,280 She said...he's no longer with us. 469 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:04,880 What, you mean...? 470 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:07,960 She said he's gone, Fletch. 471 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:14,560 Hello, everyone. 472 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,320 This is not a good day. I'm not going to pretend. 473 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,320 I'm sorry to have to tell you that Joe Lotterby is no longer with us. 474 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:26,080 My greatest regret is that my last words to him were in anger. 475 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,160 I'll think about that for a very long time, Joe, 476 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,680 and I'm really, really sorry. 477 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,800 It's not easy doing time, we all know that. 478 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,640 We live like sardines 479 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,120 and most of us are strangers to each other. 480 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,960 Joe had been banged up longer than any of us, 481 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,640 but he never complained. 482 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,560 I'll miss you, mate. 483 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,040 Porridge will be a lot harder without you. 484 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,120 Bloody hell, the daft bugger thinks I'm dead! 485 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,160 Well, I can't say it's good to be back. 486 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,280 That was Bill Withers with Ain't No Sunshine. 487 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,840 If anyone else has got a song for Joe, just let me know. 488 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,960 - Johnny Cash, Ring Of fire. - Oh, you...! 489 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,040 How's it going, Fletch? 490 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:23,200 How's it going? We thought you'd snuffed it! 491 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,680 Scuddsy rang the hospital, they'd said you'd gone! 492 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,360 Yeah, so I had. They needed the bed. 493 00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:31,880 Yeah, but they said that...you...were no longer with us. 494 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,760 Scuddsy, if you're listening, you're an absolute dingbat. 495 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:39,200 - I've just eulogised you to the whole nick! - I know, I heard most of it. 496 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,360 It were like being at my own wake. 497 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:43,880 Lovely sentiments, Fletch. 498 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,080 Now put something cheerier on, 499 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:47,920 I'm dying for a cup of tea. 500 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,000 INMATES CHEER 501 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,200 All right, that will do, carry on! 502 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:02,520 - Cup of tea, Joe, just the way you like it. - Oh, thanks, Fletch. 503 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,080 Do you need a kip, Joe? 504 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,640 You must be feeling a bit off after what you went through. 505 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,960 Stop fussing. I'm feeling fine. 506 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:13,920 Do you remember what it was like, you know, when you were...dead? 507 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:17,840 - Yeah, I do. - What happened? When you went over to the other side? 508 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:22,760 - What was it like? - It were like the Yorkshire Dales on a summer's day. 509 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,720 What, raining with loads of caravans? 510 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,760 No, you clown. 511 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,880 Rolling hills and gentle streams, 512 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:33,400 and a maiden in a meadow - 513 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,400 young and pretty. 514 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:40,560 And the breeze ruffled her frock, exposing freckled thighs. 515 00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:42,320 Freckled thighs, my word! 516 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,040 As I got closer, I recognised her. 517 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:46,760 It were Eileen. 518 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,960 What, the tat you forgot about on your bum? 519 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:53,880 Yeah! That's the one. 520 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:57,120 She were always just out of reach. 521 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:59,160 But she seemed to be saying, 522 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,720 "I'll still be here when you get back." 523 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:07,440 Then I woke up and a nurse were giving me an enema. 524 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:13,360 Well, it's nice to have you back on this side 525 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,280 and I'm sorry I was tetchy. 526 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,360 - I'll try to be better next time. - Thanks, Fletch. 527 00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:19,840 CRUNCHING 528 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,240 Oh!