2 00:00:20,142 --> 00:00:22,372 Ladies and gentlemen, 3 00:00:22,462 --> 00:00:25,101 hello and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:25,182 --> 00:00:28,254 the quiz show where the answers are much more exciting than the questions, 5 00:00:28,342 --> 00:00:30,651 but the questions are completely impossible. 6 00:00:30,742 --> 00:00:33,256 As I don't really expect any of the panel to know the answers, 7 00:00:33,342 --> 00:00:37,301 I shall be giving credit purely on the basis that I find their replies interesting, 8 00:00:37,382 --> 00:00:40,101 regardless of whether or not they are correct or even relevant. 9 00:00:40,182 --> 00:00:43,538 So let's meet our class of quite interesting contestants. 10 00:00:43,622 --> 00:00:47,695 Alan Davies, Bill Bailey, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Eddie Izzard. 11 00:00:51,622 --> 00:00:54,182 Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is a round on names. 12 00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:58,460 You may know that the Gibraltarian minister of tourism is called Joe Holliday, 13 00:00:58,542 --> 00:01:02,251 and that the archbishop of Manila goes by the name of Cardinal Sin, 14 00:01:02,342 --> 00:01:06,858 but few people with the relatively common name of Dick Brett 15 00:01:06,942 --> 00:01:10,298 know that in German their name means "thick plank". 16 00:01:10,382 --> 00:01:12,054 This is a buzzer round. 17 00:01:12,142 --> 00:01:15,020 So if you'd like to get out your buzzers, contestants, please. 18 00:01:15,102 --> 00:01:18,936 Each member of the team has a noise with which they can interrupt the action 19 00:01:19,022 --> 00:01:21,741 if they feel they have something more interesting to say. 20 00:01:21,822 --> 00:01:23,175 - Alan goes... - (honk) 21 00:01:23,262 --> 00:01:25,059 - Bill goes... - (cheep ) 22 00:01:25,142 --> 00:01:27,258 - Kit goes... - (squeaking) 23 00:01:27,342 --> 00:01:31,017 - And Eddie goes... - (whistle, two bells ) 24 00:01:33,182 --> 00:01:36,936 And I go to Belgium, for which I profusely apologise. 25 00:01:37,022 --> 00:01:40,856 Ten points for the right answer, two for an answer which is wrong, but quite interesting. 26 00:01:40,942 --> 00:01:43,058 - And minus ten points... - (Kit) Minus? 27 00:01:43,142 --> 00:01:46,657 ..for a wrong answer which is written down here. 28 00:01:46,742 --> 00:01:49,575 - Does it say "pass" on there? - No. 29 00:01:49,662 --> 00:01:53,974 First question. Who or what is Bobo Fing? 30 00:01:54,062 --> 00:01:55,495 (cheep/whistle) 31 00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:58,699 - (two bells ) - (Stephen ) Bill. 32 00:01:58,782 --> 00:02:00,659 Pigeon! 33 00:02:00,742 --> 00:02:01,777 # Stop the... 34 00:02:01,862 --> 00:02:03,773 - (cheep ) - # ..pigeon 35 00:02:04,702 --> 00:02:07,455 - # Nab him, grab him - (hums ) 36 00:02:07,822 --> 00:02:09,221 - Sorry, sorry, sorry. - Bobo Fing. 37 00:02:09,327 --> 00:02:11,841 - Bobo Fing. - The bass player in Boney M. 38 00:02:11,927 --> 00:02:15,044 If that's on there, I'm leaving. 39 00:02:16,447 --> 00:02:20,360 - Is it a Star Wars character? - Not a Star Wars character. 40 00:02:20,447 --> 00:02:22,756 - Is it a hobbit? - Nor a hobbit. 41 00:02:22,847 --> 00:02:25,680 It's a hobbit from South London. Bobo Fing. 42 00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:29,885 - (Alan) Bobo Fing, innit? - (Stephen) Nice answer. Worth two points. 43 00:02:29,967 --> 00:02:35,360 The answer is a language spoken in Mali, where 10,000 people are fluent in Bobo Fing. 44 00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:39,042 Not to be confused with Burkina-Faso, where they speak just Bobo. 45 00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:43,678 Or Tanzania where more than ten million people speak Gogo. 46 00:02:44,527 --> 00:02:46,404 True. Now, next question. 47 00:02:46,487 --> 00:02:49,684 King Arthur's famous sword was called Excalibur. 48 00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:52,156 What was the name of his less well-known lance? 49 00:02:52,247 --> 00:02:54,283 - (cheep/bell) - Yes, Eddie? 50 00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:57,245 - Hole in one. - No. 51 00:02:57,327 --> 00:03:01,479 - Elot. - No. Nice one. Very good. 52 00:03:02,847 --> 00:03:05,361 Ten points. Ten points to the young K double H. 53 00:03:05,447 --> 00:03:08,166 - I know. - Yes? 54 00:03:08,247 --> 00:03:11,637 Excalibur isn't actually the original name of the sword. 55 00:03:11,727 --> 00:03:17,165 I happen to know that in ye olde English, going back, like, before... 56 00:03:17,247 --> 00:03:19,044 You're talking in pidgin English now. 57 00:03:19,127 --> 00:03:22,563 ...the name... the sword... in Arthur's time, he wouldn't have called it Excalibur. 58 00:03:22,647 --> 00:03:24,285 He would have called it "Caliburn". 59 00:03:24,367 --> 00:03:29,282 Certainly ten points to you for knowing the original name of Excalibur. In fact, 20 points. 60 00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:31,927 - I'll tell you something else, too. - Please do, please do. 61 00:03:32,007 --> 00:03:37,843 - When Paul Daniels... - No. Stop it now. No. 62 00:03:37,927 --> 00:03:41,044 He recreated throwing... 63 00:03:41,127 --> 00:03:44,756 Cos after Arthur died, the sword was thrown away, 64 00:03:44,847 --> 00:03:47,202 his body was sent out on a raft. 65 00:03:47,287 --> 00:03:50,563 - What? Paul Daniels? - No. King Arthur in the Arthurian legend. 66 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:55,721 His body was sent out on a raft and it was burning and then he's supposed to sink down, 67 00:03:55,807 --> 00:03:59,243 and then legend has it that his chain-mail fist came up 68 00:03:59,327 --> 00:04:01,079 holding Excalibur out of the water. 69 00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:06,525 Well, Paul Daniels recreated this on his Saturday evening magic show. 70 00:04:06,607 --> 00:04:10,680 People would come up and try and get the sword out of the stone, but they couldn't, 71 00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:16,000 but he could, because he knew the bloke who was operating the vice. 72 00:04:16,087 --> 00:04:19,557 And then he threw it in the lake and there was another bloke in a frogman outfit 73 00:04:19,647 --> 00:04:24,323 who had... and I know this to be true cos I met Ali Bongo, who invented it. 74 00:04:24,407 --> 00:04:28,286 He had a bit of string on his flipper like that, and when he felt his flipper go like that, 75 00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:30,358 he had to go like that from under the water. 76 00:04:30,447 --> 00:04:35,646 Paul Daniels just got away with all kinds of historical inaccuracies time and time again. 77 00:04:35,727 --> 00:04:39,356 Otherwise... otherwise, we would love him. 78 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,642 - Sorry for rabbiting on. - (Stephen) Then the lance. 79 00:04:42,727 --> 00:04:44,558 - You've done very well so far. - Oh, blimey. 80 00:04:44,647 --> 00:04:47,605 - (Eddie) Percival. - No, it's not. It's actually Ron. 81 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:48,756 - Ron? - Ron. 82 00:04:48,847 --> 00:04:50,519 - Black Ron? - No, just plain Ron. 83 00:04:50,607 --> 00:04:56,637 Well, Ron was short for "Rhongomynad", but he called it Ron. His lance was known as Ron. 84 00:04:56,727 --> 00:05:02,723 True fact. That is true. The helmet... His helmet was called Goosewhite. True. 85 00:05:02,807 --> 00:05:06,083 - Come on, Goosewhite. - (Stephen) His armour... 86 00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:07,839 Now, that's naughty. 87 00:05:07,927 --> 00:05:13,718 You see, Graham Norton's being recorded next door. We don't do helmet humour here. 88 00:05:13,807 --> 00:05:15,559 Why would he shout "Come on" at it, anyway? 89 00:05:15,647 --> 00:05:18,241 I don't know what I even meant by that. It was a stupid thing to say. 90 00:05:18,327 --> 00:05:21,364 These are definitive absolute facts from a myth. 91 00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:24,166 (Stephen) Yes. 92 00:05:27,207 --> 00:05:30,677 Arthur's armour was called Wygar. 93 00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:35,204 - (Alan) His kneepads... - And his war cry was Clarence. 94 00:05:35,287 --> 00:05:37,482 - He would shout "Clarence". - (Bill) Clarence! 95 00:05:37,567 --> 00:05:39,683 - Again, true. - (Eddie) Hang on, hang on. 96 00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:42,520 Are you sure it wasn't "Clearance"? 97 00:05:42,607 --> 00:05:46,759 Clearance! Come through with Ron... Ron and Arthur, 98 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,725 and Geoff and Bernard and Harry. 99 00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:52,958 "Grab those, we're coming! Clearance!" 100 00:05:53,047 --> 00:05:57,484 I think it's a lot more logical. You've got to go for the logic, as opposed to... 101 00:05:57,567 --> 00:06:02,561 And the enemy must be going, "There are loads of 'em." But it was actually only Arthur. 102 00:06:02,647 --> 00:06:04,558 - Little Arthur. - He had a name for everything? 103 00:06:04,647 --> 00:06:06,399 He seemed to have a name for everything, yes. 104 00:06:06,487 --> 00:06:10,116 Including his wife. "That bitch." 105 00:06:10,567 --> 00:06:13,479 - We come now to the next question. - (Bill) 0h. 106 00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:16,365 Fingers on buzzers. What are butter hamlets? 107 00:06:16,447 --> 00:06:18,563 - Butter hamlets. Two words. - (squeak) 108 00:06:18,647 --> 00:06:19,636 Yes? 109 00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:22,321 Hamlets where the too solid flesh has already melted. 110 00:06:22,407 --> 00:06:25,080 That's awfully good, you see, because it's literary, isn't it? 111 00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:27,442 It's a quotation from the play Hamlet, and... very good. 112 00:06:27,527 --> 00:06:29,483 - It's not funny, but... - Ten for being literate. 113 00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:34,561 Ten for having read a book and not masturbated. Yes, Bill? 114 00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:40,916 Butter hamlets... Is this a sort of a term for towns that have spread? 115 00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:46,725 - Frightfully witty. - Is that actually? 116 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,479 - Another ten. - A ten. 117 00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,444 - Yes, my dear? - It is... 118 00:06:50,527 --> 00:06:54,315 It's a hamlet, a little village where they haven't got any fridges 119 00:06:54,407 --> 00:06:56,079 and all the milk's gone a bit off. 120 00:06:56,167 --> 00:06:59,477 And turns... as milk doesn't, when it goes off, to butter. 121 00:06:59,567 --> 00:07:01,637 - It doesn't, does it? - (Eddie) Maybe... 122 00:07:01,727 --> 00:07:04,116 Villages that are going round and round very fast, perhaps. 123 00:07:04,207 --> 00:07:05,765 A churning village of milk. 124 00:07:05,847 --> 00:07:09,157 It's an EEC problem from back in the '70s 125 00:07:09,247 --> 00:07:12,557 - when the butter mountains... - (Alan) They build them up into... 126 00:07:12,647 --> 00:07:17,118 They melted and destroyed the butter hamlets. 127 00:07:17,207 --> 00:07:20,404 What I can tell you is that a butter hamlet, ladies and gentlemen, 128 00:07:20,487 --> 00:07:24,765 well, butter hamlets are small, brightly coloured tropical fish 129 00:07:24,847 --> 00:07:29,523 which live in the Western Atlantic and come in ten - count them - ten different colours. 130 00:07:29,607 --> 00:07:32,644 Now, ichthyologists, as it happens, are rather uncertain 131 00:07:32,727 --> 00:07:35,446 whether there are in fact ten species of butter hamlets, 132 00:07:35,527 --> 00:07:39,600 or whether there is just one species that comes in a range of ten colourways. 133 00:07:39,687 --> 00:07:42,281 Butter hamlets are simultaneously male and female 134 00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:45,200 and mate by intertwan... intertwining... intertwaning... 135 00:07:45,287 --> 00:07:47,755 - Intertwaning. ...with another butter hamlet. 136 00:07:47,847 --> 00:07:54,559 And there is a spookily similar species of fish called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Hamlet. 137 00:07:54,647 --> 00:07:57,207 No, I made that last bit up. The rest, of course, is true. 138 00:07:57,287 --> 00:08:03,601 So our next question: What is the sixth most popular name for a baby boy in Germany? 139 00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:07,201 (cheep) 140 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,436 - Klaus. - No. 141 00:08:08,527 --> 00:08:11,564 - Adolf. - Oh, he said Adolf! 142 00:08:11,647 --> 00:08:14,639 - D'oh! - Minus ten. That was the minus-ten card. 143 00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:17,719 That's got a "ph" on it. That's not "Adolf". I didn't spell it like that. 144 00:08:17,807 --> 00:08:22,323 The literacy of our research department is neither here nor there. 145 00:08:22,407 --> 00:08:27,276 - How about eight points off? Come on. - All right. Eight points off, cos I'm kind. 146 00:08:27,367 --> 00:08:29,244 - The answer is in fact Tim. - Him! 147 00:08:29,327 --> 00:08:31,443 - No, Tim. - Tim? 148 00:08:31,527 --> 00:08:33,438 Amazingly, though, it's down from fifth. 149 00:08:33,527 --> 00:08:38,043 It was the fifth most popular name for baby boys in Germany in 1999 and 2000. 150 00:08:38,127 --> 00:08:40,516 In 1992 the French government relaxed their ruling 151 00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:43,997 on the formal list of what French children could be legally christened - 152 00:08:44,087 --> 00:08:46,681 Jean-Pierre, Jean-Michel, Marie-Claire, Jean-Marie, 153 00:08:46,767 --> 00:08:48,962 Tintin, Babar, Comte de Frou-Frou. 154 00:08:49,047 --> 00:08:51,481 And the following year, after relaxing these laws, 155 00:08:51,567 --> 00:08:56,641 the most popular name for a baby French boy was Kevin. 156 00:08:57,247 --> 00:09:00,444 What - ladies and gentlemen, fingers on buzzers again - 157 00:09:00,527 --> 00:09:02,757 is Richard Gere's middle name? 158 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:06,443 - Gerbil. - Oh! You've done it again! 159 00:09:07,607 --> 00:09:10,724 Oh! Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear. 160 00:09:11,287 --> 00:09:13,721 Oh, how the obvious are fallen. 161 00:09:14,807 --> 00:09:18,561 - Oh, you are humiliated, Alan. - Even as I said it, I knew, I just knew. 162 00:09:18,647 --> 00:09:22,401 "Gerbil" was out of your mouth before you knew what you were doing. 163 00:09:22,487 --> 00:09:24,443 It was out of my mouth, you know what I mean? 164 00:09:24,527 --> 00:09:26,722 It was a Family Fortunes... 165 00:09:26,807 --> 00:09:29,321 - Richard of Gere? - Richard of Gere? 166 00:09:30,407 --> 00:09:32,796 "I am Richard of Gere." 167 00:09:33,287 --> 00:09:36,120 Richard Gottla. Gottla Gere. 168 00:09:36,207 --> 00:09:38,084 D... Daniel. 169 00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:41,921 I just did a funny one. Please, I'd like a reaction. 170 00:09:42,007 --> 00:09:43,725 Richard Gottla. 171 00:09:43,807 --> 00:09:46,196 Gottla Gere! 172 00:09:46,287 --> 00:09:50,439 - Right, no. The answer is Tiffany. - Really? 173 00:09:50,527 --> 00:09:53,883 - Fact. Richard Tiffany Gere. - Fantastic. 174 00:09:55,047 --> 00:09:58,403 Listen, that's enough names now. You've done awfully well. We'll leave names. 175 00:09:58,487 --> 00:10:00,523 I just want want to quit with this thought, 176 00:10:00,607 --> 00:10:03,644 that the name of the director of planning and strategic development 177 00:10:03,727 --> 00:10:07,003 at Aberdeen City Council is Mr Peter Cockhead. 178 00:10:08,287 --> 00:10:11,120 Let's now have, if we may, the scores. 179 00:10:11,207 --> 00:10:13,323 In fourth place, Bill with 15. 180 00:10:13,407 --> 00:10:17,719 In third place, Alan with 25. In second place, Eddie with 31. 181 00:10:17,807 --> 00:10:21,686 But way out in front, with 35 points, Mr Kit Hesketh-Harvey. 182 00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:24,235 That's fantastic. 183 00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:29,442 Well, we come to history now. 184 00:10:29,527 --> 00:10:34,157 Popular new television subject, as we focus on the clammy underbelly of Victorian Britain. 185 00:10:34,247 --> 00:10:37,557 Britain was a pretty grisly place in the 19th century, even at the top. 186 00:10:37,647 --> 00:10:40,480 When Queen Victoria came to the throne in 1837, 187 00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,603 there were no bathrooms in Buckingham Palace. 188 00:10:42,687 --> 00:10:45,804 George IV had a magnificent marble bath in the Brighton Pavilion, 189 00:10:45,887 --> 00:10:49,357 but Queen Victoria had it sawn up and made into mantelpieces. 190 00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:52,200 Instead, she had a portable tub in her bedroom, 191 00:10:52,287 --> 00:10:55,802 to which, as was commonplace in those days, she added whisky. 192 00:10:55,887 --> 00:10:59,516 Aren't I a mine of information? All right. Kit, let's start with you. 193 00:10:59,607 --> 00:11:02,519 The first man ever to die in a train crash, 194 00:11:02,607 --> 00:11:05,360 as you may well know, was the MP William Huskisson, 195 00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:09,679 who foolishly walked across the track in front of Stevenson's Rocket. 196 00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:16,081 But some years earlier, he had narrowly survived death from a different cause. 197 00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:18,203 What was it? 198 00:11:18,287 --> 00:11:20,881 Holding onto the wrong end of Stevenson's sparklers? 199 00:11:20,967 --> 00:11:23,561 No. 200 00:11:23,647 --> 00:11:25,444 A pig falling on his head. 201 00:11:25,527 --> 00:11:28,200 - My God! - Was it? It was a Graham Greene story. 202 00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:31,279 20 points. There is a Graham Greene story about a pig falling on a man's head. 203 00:11:31,367 --> 00:11:34,643 - That's the most absurd death possible. - That's right. You're very very close. 204 00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:37,287 A horse fell on his head during his honeymoon. 205 00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:39,881 Congratulations, Kit. Brilliant. 206 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,686 (Alan) And he survived? 207 00:11:44,167 --> 00:11:46,840 Was he honeymooning with the horse? Maybe that's what happened. 208 00:11:46,927 --> 00:11:50,602 In which case it served him jolly well right. You shouldn't mess with an oestrus mare. 209 00:11:50,687 --> 00:11:52,803 - Exactly. - Exactly right. 210 00:11:52,887 --> 00:11:56,721 But did you know that Stevenson's Rocket, 211 00:11:56,807 --> 00:12:00,356 they reckoned would go at 27 to 30 miles an hour, 212 00:12:00,447 --> 00:12:02,278 and it was almost certain 213 00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:05,484 that if you were in a passenger carriage going over 30 miles an hour, 214 00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:08,320 you'd suffer irreparable brain damage. 215 00:12:08,407 --> 00:12:11,558 And so in order to protect people from this sight, 216 00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:15,640 they had to erect fences alongside the track, all the way along. 217 00:12:15,727 --> 00:12:21,120 They thought they didn't want anyone who was wandering by watch all these people go... 218 00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:24,721 in all the carriages. 219 00:12:24,807 --> 00:12:27,367 - 15 points to that man. Very good. - (Kit) Quite interesting. 220 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:30,644 - Quite interesting. - Quite interesting. That's all we're after. 221 00:12:30,727 --> 00:12:35,278 - Now... - Stevenson's Rocket was made out of soot. 222 00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:37,927 Moulded in... Oh, fuck it. 223 00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:42,044 Alan. Alan, we'll turn to you now. 224 00:12:42,127 --> 00:12:47,406 What use did Victorian gentlemen have for badgers' willies? 225 00:12:47,487 --> 00:12:52,800 I... Now, I know something about badgers, which is that they come out at night. 226 00:12:52,887 --> 00:12:59,326 And also that they use the badgers' hair for shaving brushes. 227 00:12:59,407 --> 00:13:03,480 Yes, true. Or used to. I don't think they do any more. I think it's frowned on now. 228 00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:06,400 - Is it? - Yes. Although they're vicious little animals... 229 00:13:06,487 --> 00:13:10,162 What did they use? When they shaved the badger, to get the hair off, 230 00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:14,843 to make the shaving brush, how did they get the foam on the badger? 231 00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:19,205 - Did they get another one and foam it up? - Like putting the chicken before the cart... 232 00:13:19,287 --> 00:13:23,724 And how do they get the first lot of badger hair? Individual plucking? Like... 233 00:13:23,807 --> 00:13:29,325 Sneaking up on the badger at night. "Got another one. Nearly got a whole brush now." 234 00:13:29,407 --> 00:13:32,479 But the badger's willy, I would think would be about that big. 235 00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:35,365 - (Eddie) Are they? - Yeah. If memory serves. 236 00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:37,563 The only thing... 237 00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:41,804 The only thing I could think you could use something like that for 238 00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:45,926 would be as a cap for a Bic Biro. 239 00:13:46,007 --> 00:13:49,795 I like that. Would that be the Bic Cristal Grip? 240 00:13:49,887 --> 00:13:51,286 With a hole in like that? 241 00:13:51,367 --> 00:13:55,076 Yeah, we'll certainly give you five for being quite interesting. Any other thoughts? 242 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,840 I just wanna ask, you know the badger and the shaving thing, 243 00:13:57,927 --> 00:14:00,521 did they work through animals until they hit on badger? 244 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:03,405 Yeah, they went to hedgehogs first. 245 00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:07,956 Yeah, the hedgehog was a disaster. Absolutely right. 246 00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:10,083 If they had, like... Sorry. If they... 247 00:14:10,167 --> 00:14:14,046 You know foxes, I think, have a kind of a little notch on the end of their willy, 248 00:14:14,127 --> 00:14:15,924 so once they're in, they can't come out. 249 00:14:16,007 --> 00:14:17,918 - A barb. - A barb thing, that's what I meant. 250 00:14:18,007 --> 00:14:19,759 - Bifurcated. - Are they? 251 00:14:19,847 --> 00:14:22,202 - That's the correct term. - That's how they feel, anyway. 252 00:14:22,287 --> 00:14:23,606 Rhinos... 253 00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:27,202 "Are you all right?" "I've been bifurcated. I think he's still in here." 254 00:14:27,287 --> 00:14:29,243 - And most... - Like this. 255 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:32,239 Oh, you mean it goes in and then kind of goes, ooh, like that? 256 00:14:32,327 --> 00:14:36,286 Like this, and hangs on like this, so you can't actually pull out. 257 00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:39,120 Like one of those plastic clips on your little rucksack? 258 00:14:39,207 --> 00:14:41,004 - Well... - That's in. 259 00:14:41,087 --> 00:14:43,078 And then you can't... 260 00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:47,365 - I didn't think a willy was that convoluted. - The men in Borneo use it as a sexual aid. 261 00:14:47,447 --> 00:14:50,564 They push a sort of stick through the end of the glans penis 262 00:14:50,647 --> 00:14:53,798 and it's supposed to actually kind of increase sexual pleasure. 263 00:14:53,887 --> 00:14:55,605 They do that on purpose on their willies? 264 00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:58,042 - Yes, they do. - 20 points to Bill. 265 00:14:58,127 --> 00:15:00,721 - That's interesting. - It's quite interesting. 266 00:15:00,807 --> 00:15:04,561 Lf, in fact, this little willy has got a bifurcating thingy on it... 267 00:15:04,647 --> 00:15:07,002 Which it hasn't, I'm here to tell you. 268 00:15:07,087 --> 00:15:09,760 ...they might have used it for getting the lids off jam jars. 269 00:15:09,847 --> 00:15:13,362 - Oh, bless, bless. - (Bill) I know. 270 00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:17,122 Is it for keeping the fingers warm? 271 00:15:18,007 --> 00:15:20,441 Ten little badgers' willies. 272 00:15:20,527 --> 00:15:24,315 - (Stephen) Ten reverse mittens. - Some little, bald, willyless badger going: 273 00:15:24,407 --> 00:15:29,720 "You look nice, you've shaved, your fingers are warm. What about my life?" 274 00:15:30,887 --> 00:15:33,276 - Pigs' willies are spiral, aren't they? - Yes, curly ones. 275 00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:36,803 It must be fascinating to see a pig have sex. It must go... (makes whooshing noise) 276 00:15:36,887 --> 00:15:38,684 Fingers waiting... 277 00:15:38,767 --> 00:15:43,602 Well, I'll tell you what it is, and it is quite interesting, you see. 278 00:15:43,687 --> 00:15:47,680 Victorian gentlemen wore them as tiepins, 279 00:15:47,767 --> 00:15:54,286 because, now, all male primates, except man, and nearly all mammals, 280 00:15:54,367 --> 00:15:58,883 have a bone in their penis, called the baculum, that's the baculum. 281 00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:03,995 And in badgers, these are attached by either end by means of a sort of ligament, 282 00:16:04,087 --> 00:16:05,964 which goes through a little hole in the bone. 283 00:16:06,047 --> 00:16:10,040 And they're the perfect length, as you can see, to span a gentleman's neckwear. 284 00:16:10,127 --> 00:16:11,446 - (Alan) No! - (Bill) Oh, no. 285 00:16:11,527 --> 00:16:16,317 - Is that a badger's willy there? - No, no. It's a chicken, I'm afraid. 286 00:16:16,407 --> 00:16:19,717 It's a chicken bone, but it's sort of... to give you an idea. 287 00:16:19,807 --> 00:16:24,437 I think they were smaller and thinner, and so on. But there you are, the baculum - a bone... 288 00:16:24,527 --> 00:16:26,597 I just don't understand how they... 289 00:16:26,687 --> 00:16:30,600 What were they doing with a badger that they cut its willy off, got the bone out and went: 290 00:16:30,687 --> 00:16:33,406 "God, do you know what?" 291 00:16:33,487 --> 00:16:37,321 "Isn't it extraordinary? Why don't you get yourself one of these? These are marvellous." 292 00:16:37,407 --> 00:16:42,765 Well, you see, in the countryside you come across the decaying skeleton of many animals. 293 00:16:42,847 --> 00:16:45,645 - Oh, yeah, they found it. - They would find the little bone... 294 00:16:45,727 --> 00:16:50,278 It was like a roadkill. If it's roadkill you can just have its willy off and clip your tie on. 295 00:16:50,367 --> 00:16:54,724 Carry on hunting. Who'd go hunting in ties, you're telling me now, in the woods? 296 00:16:54,807 --> 00:16:58,402 Again, a similar point as before, but did they work through the bones of the badger going: 297 00:16:58,487 --> 00:17:02,560 "Well, that doesn't really work. Skull on there. There we go. There's the back leg." 298 00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:05,286 "And this willy works. It's quite good." 299 00:17:05,367 --> 00:17:06,800 "Yes, very good." 300 00:17:06,887 --> 00:17:09,640 British Empire and everything. 301 00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:11,763 No wonder we lost the Empire. 302 00:17:11,847 --> 00:17:14,600 Spending all that time hunting for badgers' willies. 303 00:17:14,687 --> 00:17:20,842 "Let's have a bottle of wine. Oh, I haven't got a corkscrew. Get me that pig's willy, will you?" 304 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:25,921 Our animal friends are so helpful. Now, Bill, your question. 305 00:17:26,007 --> 00:17:30,080 - What was rectal inflation? - (laughter) 306 00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:33,364 In Victorian England. 307 00:17:33,447 --> 00:17:36,519 - (Kit) Is this about badgers? - Well... Yes. 308 00:17:36,607 --> 00:17:38,723 This is where they decided 309 00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:45,406 that a trout was the best way of curing constipation. 310 00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:50,045 I've no idea. Arsing around for... 311 00:17:50,127 --> 00:17:54,678 I think it's when arseholes went right up in price... 312 00:17:55,887 --> 00:17:57,718 and spiralling out of control, 313 00:17:57,807 --> 00:18:00,719 and then the price was brought down by a change in interest rates. 314 00:18:00,807 --> 00:18:04,277 Did the bottom fall out of the market? 315 00:18:05,567 --> 00:18:07,558 Well... 316 00:18:07,647 --> 00:18:12,277 Maybe it's not to do with economics. Maybe it's to do with inflating... 317 00:18:12,367 --> 00:18:15,245 - (Bill) Inflating rectums. - It isn't that far off, you know. 318 00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:19,798 Was this a medical procedure to relieve some kind of pressure? 319 00:18:19,887 --> 00:18:24,039 More than pressure. It was considered a life-saving intervention. 320 00:18:24,127 --> 00:18:26,687 - So... you... Constipation? - No. 321 00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:29,156 (Eddie) Colonic irrigation with one end bunged up? 322 00:18:29,247 --> 00:18:32,603 Not quite. I'll put you out of your misery. 323 00:18:32,687 --> 00:18:37,238 Because you've kind of got its medical aspect, Bill, I will give you ten. 324 00:18:37,327 --> 00:18:41,878 In fact, the answer is blowing tobacco smoke up people's bottoms 325 00:18:41,967 --> 00:18:45,926 as a means of resuscitating the drowned. 326 00:18:46,007 --> 00:18:48,362 It was believed that this would help them, 327 00:18:48,447 --> 00:18:52,201 that somehow the smoke would get up into their lungs from that direction and... 328 00:18:52,287 --> 00:18:56,326 "Skin up, I think he's drowned." 329 00:18:56,407 --> 00:19:01,640 It may have been invented by desperate schoolmasters, I don't know. 330 00:19:01,727 --> 00:19:06,084 It does sound like something that ends with the words, "my lord". 331 00:19:08,207 --> 00:19:09,196 "Your Honour..." 332 00:19:09,287 --> 00:19:14,680 "And that completes the somewhat flimsy case for the defence." 333 00:19:15,327 --> 00:19:21,766 "What were you doing down there, boy?" "I was saving him from drowning." 334 00:19:21,847 --> 00:19:23,519 Our Victorian friends. Eddie. 335 00:19:23,607 --> 00:19:26,644 How did Victorians who couldn't afford chimney sweeps 336 00:19:26,727 --> 00:19:28,922 clear the soot from their chimneys? 337 00:19:29,007 --> 00:19:32,761 Well, they would close off the top chimney, effect a seal, 338 00:19:32,847 --> 00:19:34,724 and close up the bottom of the flue, 339 00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:39,278 make a vacuum inside the chimney... 340 00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:44,316 These would be too cheap or too poor to afford chimney sweeps. 341 00:19:44,407 --> 00:19:47,160 So making a vacuum would be a rather expensive procedure. 342 00:19:47,247 --> 00:19:50,478 Some of these poor people were very advanced scientists. 343 00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:53,320 - And they'd done physics O-level. - Ah, of course. 344 00:19:53,407 --> 00:19:55,238 I don't know... Didn't they? 345 00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:58,000 - Isn't it children? - Well, that's... 346 00:19:58,087 --> 00:20:01,397 Children were used as chimney sweeps for the rich. They'd pay the chimney sweep... 347 00:20:01,487 --> 00:20:03,717 - Oh, the rich. - But we're talking about the poor. 348 00:20:03,807 --> 00:20:06,685 The poor had kids who were chimney sweeps and they... as a hobby. 349 00:20:06,767 --> 00:20:09,235 - I'm afraid it's even worse... - As a hobby... 350 00:20:09,327 --> 00:20:12,478 They would place a badger in the grate of the chimney and then say: 351 00:20:12,567 --> 00:20:15,923 "Do you know, I really think I could do with a tiepin." 352 00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:18,885 And the badger would shoot up the chimney... 353 00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,879 - (Stephen) Very good. ...fire out the top. 354 00:20:21,967 --> 00:20:26,085 - Nice one, Bill. 15... 15 points to Bill. - Two eyes, like that. 355 00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:29,045 "You can't use my hair now. I'm filthy." 356 00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:31,436 It's very funny, what Bill said, but... 357 00:20:31,527 --> 00:20:34,803 I think the poor people with the posh accent is a bit weird. 358 00:20:34,887 --> 00:20:37,447 - (Bill) "Cor blimey, guv'nor!" - That's better. 359 00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:40,519 "Do you know what? I could do with a bleedin' tiepin." 360 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:43,075 "Give us your knob to pin it on with. Ooh, blimey!" 361 00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:47,638 Maybe it's true. Maybe they were just once rich, but down on their luck at that point. 362 00:20:47,727 --> 00:20:52,755 "Well, we've got no... nothing. Tiepins are still part of the whole look." 363 00:20:52,847 --> 00:20:55,441 Don't they still do it in rural? They did in the 1930s. 364 00:20:55,527 --> 00:20:58,644 They tied a goose by the legs and dragged it up and the goose would go... 365 00:20:58,727 --> 00:21:01,924 This is the right answer once again. 366 00:21:02,007 --> 00:21:06,762 - I wasn't a million miles away. - It's very close to badgers. 367 00:21:06,847 --> 00:21:11,523 - 25 points to Kit. Superbly correct answer. - Drag it up or drag it down? 368 00:21:11,607 --> 00:21:14,360 They would tie string to its legs and either drop it down the chimney 369 00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:16,677 and it would dive down, fall down and... 370 00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:20,680 - So, actually, I'm not a million miles away. - You weren't a million miles away. 371 00:21:20,767 --> 00:21:23,042 Hang on. These are poor people, 372 00:21:23,127 --> 00:21:26,563 but the price of the goose, we know from Oliver Twist, that's incredibly expensive. 373 00:21:26,647 --> 00:21:29,036 - The only book you've read. - How could they afford a goose? 374 00:21:29,127 --> 00:21:31,561 - Really? Not A -hristmas -arol? - They'd send a child up. 375 00:21:31,647 --> 00:21:33,922 - Yeah, I've got that one as well. - Yes, yes. 376 00:21:34,007 --> 00:21:38,364 - I've only read one. They're all Oliver Twist. - Fair enough. 377 00:21:38,447 --> 00:21:39,766 Different bloody story. 378 00:21:39,847 --> 00:21:43,362 I'm not picking on you, Eddie. It just occurred to me. "Never was there such a goose..." 379 00:21:43,447 --> 00:21:45,403 - If you give me points, I don't mind. - Exactly. 380 00:21:45,487 --> 00:21:50,607 Five points for not knowing the difference between Oliver Twist and A -hristmas -arol. 381 00:21:50,687 --> 00:21:54,043 We'll move on to something more salubrious directly, but not yet. 382 00:21:54,127 --> 00:21:58,359 Until the public health act of 1875, sewage was poured untreated into rivers. 383 00:21:58,447 --> 00:22:02,440 Queen Victoria was standing on a bridge over the River Cam early in her reign 384 00:22:02,527 --> 00:22:05,121 and was moved to ask the master of Trinity College: 385 00:22:05,207 --> 00:22:09,280 "What are all those pieces of paper in the water?" The quick-thinking master replied: 386 00:22:09,367 --> 00:22:14,361 "Those, Your Majesty, are notices saying that bathing is forbidden." 387 00:22:14,447 --> 00:22:18,804 At the end of that round, let's have a look at the scores. 388 00:22:18,887 --> 00:22:21,959 In fourth place, Alan on 45. 389 00:22:22,047 --> 00:22:25,642 - Next, Eddie on 46. - What? 390 00:22:25,727 --> 00:22:32,121 Next, Bill on 68, but way out in the lead on 80 points, Kit. Kit. 391 00:22:36,327 --> 00:22:38,443 Ladies and gentlemen, the next round is called Lingo, 392 00:22:38,527 --> 00:22:43,726 where we explore and are explored by the wily and exotic tongues of Johnny Foreigner. 393 00:22:43,807 --> 00:22:45,718 - (laughter) - Thank you. 394 00:22:45,807 --> 00:22:52,565 Armed with the helpful information that the Finnish word for "bad news" is "jobinposti". 395 00:22:52,647 --> 00:22:53,796 True. 396 00:22:53,887 --> 00:22:56,401 Here is a selection of contemporary Dutch. 397 00:22:56,487 --> 00:23:00,844 I'm sure that you already know that "nijlpaard" means "hippopotamus". 398 00:23:00,927 --> 00:23:06,285 Did you know that "koksmuts" is the Dutch for a chef's hat? 399 00:23:06,367 --> 00:23:11,236 Now, let's see what you make of this lot here. 400 00:23:11,327 --> 00:23:12,840 "Pronk." 401 00:23:12,927 --> 00:23:17,205 - I'm gonna write these down on my paper. - So am I. 402 00:23:17,287 --> 00:23:19,926 - "Sloot", which is spelt s-l-o-o-t. - Could you go a bit slower? 403 00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:22,396 "Sloot", s-l-o-o-t. 404 00:23:22,487 --> 00:23:25,206 - "Kloof', k-l-o-o-f. - (Kit) Kloof. 405 00:23:25,287 --> 00:23:27,596 "Lonk", as it sounds, l-o-n-k. 406 00:23:27,687 --> 00:23:32,363 And "oog", which is actually spelt o-o-g. "Oog" or "hoog". 407 00:23:32,447 --> 00:23:36,235 And finally, "wanklank". 408 00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:38,318 W-a-n-k-l-a-n-k. 409 00:23:38,727 --> 00:23:40,160 (all) Wanklank. 410 00:23:40,247 --> 00:23:43,000 I feel like you've just insulted me and don't even know. 411 00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:45,282 (Stephen) Could be. Any thoughts? 412 00:23:45,367 --> 00:23:48,962 "Wanklank" is repetitive strain injury. 413 00:23:50,287 --> 00:23:55,202 "Sloot" is a second-hand magazine for sludge. 414 00:23:56,407 --> 00:23:57,635 Very good. 415 00:23:57,727 --> 00:23:59,001 - Oog. - (Stephen) Oog. 416 00:23:59,087 --> 00:24:03,285 - "Oog", a state of rapture. - Ah! 417 00:24:03,367 --> 00:24:04,595 Oog! 418 00:24:04,687 --> 00:24:07,247 Now you've called my bluff now. 419 00:24:07,327 --> 00:24:09,887 - A "pronk" is not a complete pronker. - No. 420 00:24:09,967 --> 00:24:14,483 Well, isn't a house... a "honk" Dutch for "house"? A "honk". 421 00:24:14,567 --> 00:24:17,206 - "Honk" is "home". Absolutely. - "Honk" is "home"? 422 00:24:17,287 --> 00:24:22,236 So then... could not, then, a "pronk" be, like, "shed" or something, 423 00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:24,318 or, you know, something similar to a home? 424 00:24:24,407 --> 00:24:27,240 Anything that ends "onk" means more or less something homely? 425 00:24:27,327 --> 00:24:30,876 Something homely. Yes? An apartment, maybe. I don't know. Pied-a-terre. 426 00:24:30,967 --> 00:24:35,324 I think "kloof" is a cloth. 427 00:24:35,847 --> 00:24:40,557 Well, it would be to you, wouldn't it? I mean that in a caring way. 428 00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:44,845 If there were an underground station in Amsterdam, 429 00:24:44,927 --> 00:24:47,282 - they would shout, Let op... - (Kit) There is. 430 00:24:47,367 --> 00:24:49,676 There is, in fact, of course. There is a metro. 431 00:24:49,767 --> 00:24:52,918 They would shout, not that I've heard them do it, "Let op. Kloof." 432 00:24:53,007 --> 00:24:57,080 - Kloof? Oh, "Stand clear. Doors closing." - Mind the... 433 00:24:57,167 --> 00:25:00,762 - Mind the gap! Mind the gap. - The kloof is a gap. Exactly. First there, Bill. 434 00:25:00,847 --> 00:25:06,126 "Lonk", by the same token, is, "It's a lonk way from Schiphol to Amsterdam." 435 00:25:06,207 --> 00:25:07,526 Very nice. 436 00:25:07,607 --> 00:25:09,359 "Lonk" actually means "to ogle". 437 00:25:09,447 --> 00:25:13,565 Interesting, the word "ogle" might give you a clue as to what "oog" or "och" means. 438 00:25:13,647 --> 00:25:15,524 - Eyes? - Eyes! 439 00:25:15,607 --> 00:25:17,882 - The eyes have it. - There he goes again. Ten points. Good. 440 00:25:17,967 --> 00:25:19,605 - "Sloot." - Dyke. 441 00:25:19,687 --> 00:25:23,760 It's close. Ditch. Ditch. Ditch, dyke, same thing. "Wanklank" means... 442 00:25:23,847 --> 00:25:26,600 - It sounds onomatopoeic. - It's actually right. 443 00:25:26,687 --> 00:25:29,520 Is it? So it's like the sound of something making a "wanklank"... 444 00:25:29,607 --> 00:25:31,518 - Yes! - A "vinklink". 445 00:25:31,607 --> 00:25:34,075 - It is. It's a discordant noise. - Was it? 446 00:25:34,167 --> 00:25:37,204 - Yes! 0h, yes, yes. 15 points. - Oh. 447 00:25:37,287 --> 00:25:41,075 Fantastic. Very good indeed. Very good. Very good. 448 00:25:44,967 --> 00:25:49,324 Tijdens de tweede wereldoorlog moesten veel Nederlanders tulpenbollen eten. 449 00:25:49,407 --> 00:25:50,806 Tell me what that means. 450 00:25:50,887 --> 00:25:56,325 That means, "Today my cheese got stuck in the wall." 451 00:25:56,407 --> 00:25:58,477 No, it means, again, a true fact: 452 00:25:58,567 --> 00:26:04,164 "During the Second World War, many Dutch people had to eat tulip bulbs." Now... 453 00:26:04,247 --> 00:26:06,841 Stephen, do you mind, I feel I'm lagging behind. 454 00:26:06,927 --> 00:26:10,158 Can I bring in an interesting fact that I remembered before I came on? 455 00:26:10,247 --> 00:26:12,397 I want you to. I want you to. 456 00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:16,082 Do you know that if dogs eat toothpaste, they hallucinate? 457 00:26:16,167 --> 00:26:17,839 Ooh. 458 00:26:17,927 --> 00:26:19,804 - Ooh. Really? - Yeah. 459 00:26:19,887 --> 00:26:24,517 - How do you know that? - Well, a bloke down the pub. 460 00:26:24,607 --> 00:26:27,519 Not a dog? "A dog told me, a dog that was flying in the air." 461 00:26:27,607 --> 00:26:31,156 There's a certain breed of dog called something like a "wastabein" or something, 462 00:26:31,247 --> 00:26:32,600 when it chases deer, 463 00:26:32,687 --> 00:26:37,317 it catches them by running behind them and biting off their genitalia from the rear. 464 00:26:37,407 --> 00:26:39,841 - Oh, how mean. - What? This is the deer do that? 465 00:26:39,927 --> 00:26:45,126 No, the dog does it. This is after two tubes of Macleans, then? 466 00:26:46,047 --> 00:26:49,926 As you will hear them say on Dutch radio... (Dutch accent) "Dat vas the news", 467 00:26:50,007 --> 00:26:52,646 which is the Dutch for, "That was the news." 468 00:26:52,727 --> 00:26:55,321 And now to Greek, the only language in the world 469 00:26:55,407 --> 00:26:59,002 where the words for "bread" and "lavatory seat" are the same: 470 00:26:59,087 --> 00:27:00,884 "Koloura", if you must know. 471 00:27:01,087 --> 00:27:05,603 Now, finally, then. The word "thespian", what does that mean to a Greek? 472 00:27:05,687 --> 00:27:07,803 - (Eddie) Taxi driver. - Actor. Actor, isn't it? 473 00:27:07,887 --> 00:27:10,924 Of course it means actor now, my darling. We know that, don't we, my lovely? 474 00:27:11,007 --> 00:27:13,805 But what did it mean? What's its real meaning? 475 00:27:13,887 --> 00:27:16,196 - Does it mean waiter? - (Bill) Unemployed. 476 00:27:16,287 --> 00:27:20,246 No. Waiter. Very good. 477 00:27:20,327 --> 00:27:24,081 20 points to that... that Izzard man there for "waiter". 478 00:27:24,167 --> 00:27:28,319 The first actor was... The oldest actor, older even than Thora Hird. 479 00:27:28,407 --> 00:27:31,479 - (Alan) You've read so many books. - It's a good thought. No, it's not that. 480 00:27:31,567 --> 00:27:38,006 It's not that. I'll tell you what it is. Very pleasingly, "thespian" is the Greek for "awful". 481 00:27:38,087 --> 00:27:44,162 I'm being a little unfair. It's "awful" in the sense of "awe-inspiring", hence also "divine". 482 00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:49,002 There's a lovely John Wayne story, when he was playing the centurion in the Bible, 483 00:27:49,087 --> 00:27:52,682 and the director said to him, when he said, "This was the son of God", 484 00:27:52,767 --> 00:27:58,364 and he said, "Could you say it with more awe?" And he said, "Aw, this was the son..." 485 00:27:58,447 --> 00:28:00,597 Fantastic. Very good. 486 00:28:00,687 --> 00:28:04,726 Very nice. Five points... because I've heard it many times. 487 00:28:05,687 --> 00:28:08,155 Finally, and utterly irrelevantly, in this round on languages, 488 00:28:08,247 --> 00:28:12,479 you may be interested to know that since the Danish word for king is kong, 489 00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:16,401 in Denmark, King Kong is known as Kong King. There you are. 490 00:28:16,487 --> 00:28:20,162 Now, let's have the scores at the end of that round. Thank you. 491 00:28:20,247 --> 00:28:23,557 Bringing up the rear at the moment, but gosh, how these things change and how fast, 492 00:28:23,647 --> 00:28:24,966 it's Alan with 77. 493 00:28:25,047 --> 00:28:27,686 Next, our former leader Kit on 95. 494 00:28:27,767 --> 00:28:29,723 Then Eddie in second place on 96. 495 00:28:29,807 --> 00:28:33,800 But way out in the lead at the moment, it's Bill on 107 points. 496 00:28:34,567 --> 00:28:38,276 Can I just ask, though, in the film King Kong, going back to King Kong, 497 00:28:38,367 --> 00:28:41,803 to keep King Kong out, they built a huge door. 498 00:28:41,887 --> 00:28:45,562 Now, why don't they just build a little door? 499 00:28:46,847 --> 00:28:52,524 You know. It's a huge door that he can eventually break down. 500 00:28:52,607 --> 00:28:56,885 - But if they built a little door... - A tiny door, he can only get his finger out. 501 00:28:56,967 --> 00:28:59,765 (Alan) "Oh, if I could get out that door, I'd get you all." 502 00:28:59,847 --> 00:29:06,605 I think that's really rather funny and I'd like to give some points from Kit... for Alan. 503 00:29:10,527 --> 00:29:14,679 So, ladies and gentlemen, perhaps the greatest thinker in human history 504 00:29:14,767 --> 00:29:17,486 was Plato's teacher and friend, Socrates, 505 00:29:17,567 --> 00:29:21,685 of whom the oracle of Delphi said, in an almost uniquely unambiguous pronouncement, 506 00:29:21,767 --> 00:29:24,281 that Socrates was the wisest of all Athenians, 507 00:29:24,367 --> 00:29:27,484 on the grounds that he alone knew that he knew nothing. 508 00:29:27,567 --> 00:29:31,276 But you, my dear panel, have surpassed the great philosopher. 509 00:29:31,367 --> 00:29:33,927 Not only do you know that you know that you know nothing, 510 00:29:34,007 --> 00:29:37,158 but you have also managed to prove it. 511 00:29:37,247 --> 00:29:41,035 To rub salt in the wound and drip lemon on the paper cut, 512 00:29:41,127 --> 00:29:45,643 we conclude with the round entitled "General Ignorance". 513 00:29:45,727 --> 00:29:47,797 This is a buzzer round, ladies and gentlemen. 514 00:29:47,887 --> 00:29:51,004 Can I just give you an interesting fact about the Delphic oracle, 515 00:29:51,087 --> 00:29:52,839 which relates to an earlier thing? 516 00:29:52,927 --> 00:29:57,796 She made her pronouncements on a tripod with smoke issuing from her vagina. 517 00:29:57,887 --> 00:30:01,926 So whether there was a Victorian gentleman blowing from the other end, I don't know. 518 00:30:02,007 --> 00:30:04,646 - Very good. 15 points. - Yeah. 519 00:30:04,727 --> 00:30:08,117 - Burning bush. - Burning bush. Five points. 520 00:30:09,807 --> 00:30:11,798 (applause) 521 00:30:13,047 --> 00:30:15,356 We have to hurry. We've got so little tape left. 522 00:30:15,447 --> 00:30:19,838 We put it on short play, which was foolish. We should have put it on long play. 523 00:30:19,927 --> 00:30:25,206 A voice in my ear tells me we have little tape, so what is the highest mountain in the world? 524 00:30:25,287 --> 00:30:26,766 Everest. 525 00:30:26,847 --> 00:30:29,884 - Minus ten to all of you. It is not Everest. - K2? 526 00:30:29,967 --> 00:30:34,085 - Not K2. - The one at the bottom of the Pacific 0cean. 527 00:30:34,167 --> 00:30:38,957 The Marianas Trench. Upside down. If you're Australian. 528 00:30:39,047 --> 00:30:41,686 You can have your ten back for being vaguely right. 529 00:30:41,767 --> 00:30:46,966 Everest is the third-highest mountain in the world, depending on how you calculate it. 530 00:30:47,047 --> 00:30:49,800 The highest mountain, and the world's largest volcano, 531 00:30:49,887 --> 00:30:53,641 is the one I think you were struggling towards, Alan, which is in Hawaii, 532 00:30:53,727 --> 00:30:57,720 and it's called - oddly enough for the highest mountain in the world - Mount Loa. 533 00:30:57,807 --> 00:31:04,076 It's 4,170 metres above sea level, 5,000 metres below sea level, it continues, 534 00:31:04,167 --> 00:31:07,318 and a further 8,000 under the seabed, which is where the mountain starts, 535 00:31:07,407 --> 00:31:11,719 making it almost 55,000 of your Earth-feet tall. 536 00:31:11,807 --> 00:31:15,322 Do you see? Compared to Everest's puny 29,000ft. 537 00:31:15,407 --> 00:31:19,446 But even Mount Kilimanjaro, in Africa, is higher than Everest, 538 00:31:19,527 --> 00:31:21,961 on two counts - not just one, but two. 539 00:31:22,047 --> 00:31:27,440 - It rises straight out of the African plain... - This is a quick-fire round? 540 00:31:30,247 --> 00:31:33,000 Kilimanjaro rises straight out of the African plain 541 00:31:33,087 --> 00:31:38,161 whereas Everest is merely one of the many pointy bits on the base of the Himalayas, 542 00:31:38,247 --> 00:31:40,397 and, secondly, being on the equator, 543 00:31:40,487 --> 00:31:44,241 which, the Earth being an oblate spheroid, bulges outwards at the equator, 544 00:31:44,327 --> 00:31:46,682 Kilimanjaro is further from the Earth's centre. 545 00:31:46,767 --> 00:31:49,679 Do you work for Arthur Andersen? 546 00:31:49,767 --> 00:31:53,680 - I have recalculated the statistics. - Why do we go on about Everest, then? 547 00:31:53,767 --> 00:31:55,166 Why? 548 00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:59,126 That's it. This is what this programme is trying to expose, ruthlessly - 549 00:31:59,207 --> 00:32:05,043 the fraudulent, systematic deceptions played on the world's population. 550 00:32:05,127 --> 00:32:07,687 We must hurry because the tape is running fast, fast, fast. 551 00:32:07,767 --> 00:32:11,680 - What colour, team, are black boxes? - Orange! 552 00:32:11,767 --> 00:32:14,361 Correct. 20 points. Very good. 553 00:32:14,447 --> 00:32:17,519 They were black until 1965 when someone pointed out 554 00:32:17,607 --> 00:32:20,440 that they never seemed to be able to find them in the wreckage. 555 00:32:20,527 --> 00:32:24,281 So, next question. What is eaten in the city of Genoa 556 00:32:24,367 --> 00:32:27,359 that is generally not eaten almost anywhere else in the world? 557 00:32:27,447 --> 00:32:30,405 It's a delicacy in Genoa and nowhere else is it eaten. 558 00:32:30,487 --> 00:32:32,842 (Kit) Pasta Genovese. 559 00:32:33,887 --> 00:32:35,718 Orchiete Genovese. 560 00:32:35,807 --> 00:32:38,082 - (Stephen) Oh, it sounds good. - I've just made it up. 561 00:32:38,167 --> 00:32:41,364 It's a sad answer. People go "Aaah" when they know the truth. 562 00:32:41,447 --> 00:32:44,086 - Carpets? - (honk) 563 00:32:44,727 --> 00:32:49,847 - Little... little chicks. Little fluffy chicks. - No. We eat those, I'm afraid. 564 00:32:49,927 --> 00:32:52,646 - Puppies? Dogs? - Dear little baby seals? 565 00:32:52,727 --> 00:32:55,525 - Close. Close. It's a mammal. - (Eddie) Baby dolphins! 566 00:32:55,607 --> 00:32:59,043 Dolphins is the right answer. I'm afraid the Genoese do. 567 00:32:59,127 --> 00:33:03,040 The answer is in Genoa, where Columbus, pesto, and genes themselves come from... 568 00:33:03,127 --> 00:33:05,880 Genoa Aquarium is the most technologically advanced in the world 569 00:33:05,967 --> 00:33:08,117 and contains four million litres of water. 570 00:33:08,207 --> 00:33:10,243 The dolphins, which are of the Tursiops species, 571 00:33:10,327 --> 00:33:12,795 are well known for their friendliness and docile character 572 00:33:12,887 --> 00:33:15,481 and are delicious. 573 00:33:15,567 --> 00:33:20,322 Dolphins have been respected, rather than made into pies, since Ancient Greece. 574 00:33:20,407 --> 00:33:25,322 Genoese don't go along with this. They enjoy chewing on strips of dried dolphin flesh. 575 00:33:25,407 --> 00:33:28,638 Next question. Last of all. It's an easy one. 576 00:33:28,727 --> 00:33:33,642 What is illegal to do in the sea around Greece, which is not illegal in almost any other? 577 00:33:33,727 --> 00:33:36,195 (Kit) 0livia Newton-John. 578 00:33:37,167 --> 00:33:41,399 - Have sex? - No, the answer is scuba dive. 579 00:33:41,487 --> 00:33:45,799 Greek authorities - there are very few, rare, heavily supervised, licence exceptions - 580 00:33:45,887 --> 00:33:50,119 do not allow diving because they're paranoid about people stealing their antiquities - 581 00:33:50,207 --> 00:33:52,277 many of which are underwater, 582 00:33:52,367 --> 00:33:57,566 as those of us who watched For Your Eyes Only last night will remember. 583 00:33:57,647 --> 00:34:01,003 A word of warning. If you're swimming in Greece, for heaven's sake, 584 00:34:01,087 --> 00:34:04,682 don't yell "life belt" in Greek. It's "koloura" again. 585 00:34:04,767 --> 00:34:07,281 You'll be either stunned by a flying lavatory seat, 586 00:34:07,367 --> 00:34:10,962 or spend all day fruitlessly trying to blow up a loaf of wet bread. 587 00:34:11,047 --> 00:34:13,163 They do say the Greeks have a word for it. 588 00:34:13,247 --> 00:34:16,239 What they don't say is it's always the same word. 589 00:34:16,327 --> 00:34:19,444 So, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear the final scores. 590 00:34:19,527 --> 00:34:23,964 In fourth place, Alan with 118. 591 00:34:24,047 --> 00:34:27,483 In third place with 125, it's Kit. 592 00:34:27,567 --> 00:34:31,082 In second place with 131, it's Eddie. 593 00:34:31,167 --> 00:34:36,036 But by one point, this week's winner is Bill, with 132. 594 00:34:36,127 --> 00:34:37,879 (applause) 595 00:34:40,127 --> 00:34:42,880 Quiet, please. I knew, I knew. 596 00:34:42,967 --> 00:34:48,917 That just about wraps it up for QI. It only remains for me to thank all our panellists, 597 00:34:49,007 --> 00:34:51,726 and to say goodbye with this quite interesting news cutting 598 00:34:51,807 --> 00:34:54,162 from a newspaper, the Eastern Evening News. 599 00:34:54,247 --> 00:34:58,126 When two men stole six sheep from a farm at Mundford in Norfolk, 600 00:34:58,207 --> 00:35:00,801 they found they could only get five into the back of their van, 601 00:35:00,887 --> 00:35:04,402 so the other one had to sit in the cab between the two men. 602 00:35:04,487 --> 00:35:08,560 But the men had to pass through the village of Watton on their way home. 603 00:35:08,647 --> 00:35:11,684 Fearing that the sheep sitting in the cab might be conspicuous, 604 00:35:11,767 --> 00:35:12,995 they disguised it 605 00:35:13,087 --> 00:35:15,760 by putting a trilby hat on its head. 606 00:35:16,447 --> 00:35:19,598 I come from Norfolk, too. Goodbye.