1
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:27,994
(applause)

2
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,272
Well, hello and welcome to QI,

3
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,830
the quiz show where the answers
are more interesting than the questions

4
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,639
but the questions are completely impossible.

5
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,075
As I don't really expect
anyone to get any of them right,

6
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,118
I shall award points
for being interesting along the way,

7
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,556
regardless of whether the panels' answers
are correct or even relevant.

8
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:53,475
So let's just meet the panel who want
to commit intellectual suicide tonight.

9
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,757
- And they are Danny Baker...
- (applause)

10
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,592
John Sessions,

11
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:00,989
Hugh Laurie,

12
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,071
and Alan Davies.

13
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:09,477
Now, each of our employees...
I can't really be doing with the word "guests".

14
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:14,680
Each of our employees here tonight
has a buzzer, in the time-honoured tradition.

15
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,558
- Danny goes...
- (klaxon)

16
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,471
- John goes...
- (telephone ring)

17
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,028
- Hugh goes...
- (buzzer)

18
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,111
- Alan goes...
- (baa)

19
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,717
And I go to Belgium,
for which I profusely apologise.

20
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:33,271
We've got a lot to do, so let's get on with it.
Where better to start than at the beginning

21
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,272
with a round of questions
on Adam and Eve.

22
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:40,797
Whether or not you believe in them,
they are quite interesting, which is all we ask.

23
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,509
Like God. As Woody Allen said,
"How can I believe in God

24
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:49,879
when just last week I got my tongue caught
in the roller of an electric typewriter? "

25
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,395
Carrie Snow, the American comedian, said:

26
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:57,029
"If God was a woman,
sperm would taste of chocolate."

27
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,156
(laughter)

28
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,800
Perhaps...

29
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,193
I don't understand it either.
Perhaps we should...

30
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:07,794
- How do you know it doesn't?
- (laughter)

31
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,077
- (Danny) Oh, he knows.
- (Stephen) Damn.

32
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,277
Perhaps, you know,
we should believe in Adam and Eve.

33
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:18,876
Geneticists have established every woman
in the world shares a single female ancestor

34
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,349
who lived 150,000 years ago.

35
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,396
Scientists do actually call her Eve.

36
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,870
And every man shares
a single male ancestor dubbed Adam.

37
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:31,875
It's also been established, however,
that Adam was born 80,000 years after Eve.

38
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:38,115
So the world before him was one
of heavy-to-industrial-strength lesbianism.

39
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,078
The first question goes to Alan.
What is the connection

40
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,470
between
the Archbishop of Canterbury's left ear

41
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,472
and Adam's bellybutton?

42
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:51,519
His ear and the bellybutton. As you said that,
there was a painting came up...

43
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:56,958
We do this, I'm afraid. I'm not going to ask
who did the painting. That would be an insult.

44
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,429
- (Alan) Adam's on the left.
- (Stephen) Yes. Well done.

45
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,988
- That's his bellybutton there.
- It would seem.

46
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,675
And the Archbishop of Canterbury's ear...

47
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:11,156
The only time I can ever think when
you'd put your ear to someone's bellybutton

48
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:14,516
would be to hear
if their tummy was rumbling.

49
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,558
You go, "Your tummy's rumbling.
You're hungry, aren't you? "

50
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,551
- (Stephen) True.
- Is that what it is?

51
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:24,031
I'm afraid not. I don't want to astonish you,
but I'm afraid it isn't.

52
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,839
Adam wouldn't have had a bellybutton,
being the first man,

53
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,309
and neither has the archbishop
got a right ear.

54
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,312
- Is that right?
- You're really good.

55
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,517
He is good, isn't he?
I'll give him three points for that.

56
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:41,232
The fact is they're both purely decorative.
Adam, of course, cannot have had a naval

57
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:45,916
because he was created. He wasn't born,
so there wouldn't have been an umbilical cord.

58
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,594
You're saying the archbishop's left ear
is decorative?

59
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,592
He describes it himself as purely decorative

60
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,559
because he was born deaf in the left ear,
so it has no function.

61
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,313
If his left ear is purely decorative,

62
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:03,155
it's very unimaginative
for him just to have an ear there.

63
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,516
Cos really he could've had
anything he wanted there at all.

64
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,637
He could have a doughnut
or another organ like a hand.

65
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,631
(Stephen) A badminton racket.

66
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:16,271
A badminton racket or a shuttlecock.
A road sign.

67
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,555
- (Hugh) Gazebo.
- A little chicklet.

68
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:23,555
- Or, surreally, a portrait of Van Gogh.
- Yeah, he could've had Van Gogh. You see?

69
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:26,996
- That's the ear that was missing.
- He'd have a little Van Gogh there

70
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,548
as if to say, "Do you see? "

71
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:34,953
Very good. Very good. Well, we've got
something out of the wreckage. I'm inclined...

72
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:40,076
- Who painted that picture?
- 1475 till 1564.

73
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,628
I hate myself for saying that
but those are his dates.

74
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,996
He's quite correct.
Michelangelo Buonarroti.

75
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:50,153
We have to give five points for knowing
the birth and death dates of Michelangelo.

76
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,118
- That's so sad.
- We also have to hate him, incidentally.

77
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,111
We are very impressed.

78
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,237
I've done this with John at parties.
When was Bruckner born?

79
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:03,075
- 1824. Died 1896.
- (Stephen) You see? Isn't it wonderful?

80
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,390
- Mahler?
- 1860.

81
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,914
Born July 7 in Kaliste in Austria.

82
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,436
- Died 1911 in Kaliste in Austria.
- (applause)

83
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,194
It's a sickness. It's a horrible sickness.

84
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:23,070
I met a man who said he was a navel doctor.
I didn't know they specialised that much.

85
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:26,755
According to Rita Mae Brown,
if Michelangelo had been heterosexual,

86
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:33,075
the Sistine Chapel would have been painted
basic white and with a roller.

87
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:39,679
Danny, it's your question now. After the flood,
God gave Noah the right to do what to sheep?

88
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:44,151
A right which he denied to Adam.

89
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:48,392
Well, what do we know about Adam? We know
Adam was forbidden the forbidden fruit.

90
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:52,234
It wasn't the forbidden sheep.
I know that much about Sunday School.

91
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,153
To keep them, to mate,
to farm them, to...

92
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:59,028
- Well, it could be he could not eat them.
- As simple as that.

93
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:00,314
(applause)

94
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:04,552
It doesn't make any sense, because Adam,
there would have been a lot of sheep,

95
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,278
but Noah's down to the last two sheep

96
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:14,993
and God said, "It's all right.
If you fancy a kebab, have one on me."

97
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,277
Noah said, "I'm not gonna eat the sheep, God.
You're out of your mind."

98
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,510
Eat them is the right answer.
According to the Bible,

99
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,309
Adam and Eve were vegetarians
told by God to eat fruit and vegetables only.

100
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,278
Some theologians believe
that the forbidden fruit,

101
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:32,070
not specifically named in the Bible, which
was eaten by Adam and Eve was a banana.

102
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:36,073
It was only after the Great Flood
when God made a new covenant with Noah

103
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:40,153
and said, "Every living thing that moves
will be yours to eat."

104
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:45,155
And somehow we got from there to
Bernard Matthews Golden Turkey Drummers.

105
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,233
Here's one that anyone can answer.
Fingers on buzzers.

106
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,709
Of whom was it said, "Working with her

107
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,315
was like being hit over the head
with a Valentine card? "

108
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:01,879
(telephone ring)

109
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,349
- Ann Widdecombe.
- (Stephen) Not Ann Widdecombe.

110
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:09,036
No, it's not her. In fact it was Christopher
Plummer on the subject of Julie Andrews.

111
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,759
And this brings us
to a round about Andrews -

112
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,479
people called Andrew or Andrews.

113
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:20,078
John. The painter Caravaggio was once
arrested for throwing artichokes at a waiter.

114
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,470
The art historian Andrew Graham-Dixon
discovered something

115
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:28,315
about Caravaggio's outrageous behaviour
on the tennis court. What was it?

116
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:32,439
Something interesting about Caravaggio,
he died in 1610, but you're bored of that now.

117
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,398
I think it was 1610.
And he committed murder,

118
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:39,678
but Andrew's programme... Not that we
should be talking about other programmes.

119
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,435
The question is about Graham-Dixon,
who made a programme about Caravaggio.

120
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,715
Sorting out why Caravaggio died prematurely

121
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,236
and was possibly murdered by those
avenging him for the death of Tomassino,

122
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,710
I think was the artist who he had a fight with.

123
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,712
For those of you who didn't watch,
stay with us.

124
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,678
I'll give you five points.
Anybody else know the answer?

125
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:03,595
- What Caravaggio did on a tennis court?
- He said, "Enough with the square balls."

126
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,433
- "Why don't we use a round one? "
- (laughter)

127
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,432
- All good answers.
- (Danny) Was he beaten by a British player?

128
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,717
That's why they're still talking about it
300 years later.

129
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:13,994
(applause)

130
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,311
For almost 400 years,

131
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:22,678
historians have believed
that Caravaggio was exclusively homosexual

132
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:28,392
and they believed that he murdered
a man called Ranuccio Tomassoni

133
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,630
in a squabble over a tennis match.

134
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,678
But it's now thought, thanks
to the pioneering work of Graham-Dixon,

135
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,990
that Tomassoni's death was an accident

136
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:40,676
and Caravaggio was only trying
to cut off his testicles, not to kill him.

137
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:41,749
- There you are.
- Yes.

138
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,751
- (Alan) Over a gate...
- Well, yes.

139
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,513
- New balls, please.
- (alarm bells)

140
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:53,508
- (Danny) What does that mean?
- I'm afraid it's minus ten points.

141
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,637
- Oh! I don't even know who he is.
- (Stephen) Caravaggio.

142
00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:00,599
- Oh, thank God you've said that.
- (laughter)

143
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,194
See, to my mind,
that's not interesting enough.

144
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,590
- (Danny) I was hanging in there.
- Caravaggio's very interesting.

145
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:10,559
I know something about castration.
I do know something about castration,

146
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,996
- and it's to do with this.
- (baa)

147
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:18,153
When they castrate a sheep, they do it
without breaking the skin of the scrotum.

148
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,196
- (Stephen) Yes.
- (Hugh) Yes. Done it.

149
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:22,669
(Stephen) He's done it. He has.

150
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:28,232
And the testicles just fall into the ball sac and
then they do the kind of grape-sultana thing.

151
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,754
- They become shrivelly.
- (John) They wither.

152
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,479
- (Stephen) You use an elastic band.
- A tiny elastic...

153
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:36,870
I've got one on at the moment.

154
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,520
(Alan) That's interesting.

155
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,194
(Danny) So, Prince Aaaaalbert.

156
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,999
- (John) Prince Albert, there's a story.
- Oh, really?

157
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,629
He and Victoria, they had masses of sex.
I mean, they had nine children

158
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,508
and they probably had sex
maybe 100 times a night for years and years.

159
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,909
Till he died. It stopped after he died. But...

160
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:59,357
- Is that why the Albert Memorial is a tall...?
- (John) Precisely.

161
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:03,069
I did a charity show
in the heyday of the Spice Girls

162
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,277
and there was a line-up afterwards
with the Prince of Wales.

163
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:08,157
- (Alan) I was there.
- Were you?

164
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:12,631
They asked him whether or not Prince Albert
actually did wear a Prince Albert.

165
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:16,759
- No! And he said?
- "I have no idea what a Prince Albert is."

166
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:17,829
(laughter)

167
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,593
- I had to explain to him that...
- (Danny) Did you tell him?

168
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:24,309
- I didn't say it was a cock ring. I said...
- (laughter)

169
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,960
What words did you use, then?

170
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,634
It was a piece of jewellery
worn in an intimate area.

171
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,917
Oh, I see. He said, "Oh, a cock ring!"

172
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,389
(laughter)

173
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:39,439
Let's tear ourselves back to Caravaggio
and Tomassoni if we can.

174
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,512
The two were rivals
for the favours of Fillide Melandroni,

175
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,434
a beautiful female prostitute
for whom Tomassoni acted as pimp.

176
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,717
Caravaggio had been commissioned
to paint her for an Italian nobleman.

177
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:53,952
For an extra five points,
can you connect this -

178
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,349
I'll pass it round
if you need to handle it or smell it...

179
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,079
- (Alan) Fennel.
-..with Italian homosexuals?

180
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,549
Oh.

181
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:05,599
Are there any Italian homosexuals
in the room?

182
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:07,875
My dressing room number is 315.

183
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,394
(bell)

184
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,552
- Is it fennel?
- It is fennel. I will tell you that, yes.

185
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,916
Is the street slang
for "homosexual" "fennel"?

186
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,514
- Correct. Ten points.
- (Hugh) Wow.

187
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,795
- Look at that.
- (Stephen) You get...

188
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,677
(applause)

189
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,399
What is it, though?
There's a certain word...

190
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:30,473
Finocchio, which is "fennel" in Italian.
Like Pinocchio but with an f.,

191
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,869
- (Alan) That's quite interesting.
- It is.

192
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,591
Good. Good. Now Hugh.
Still with Andrews.

193
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:39,070
According to Andrew Marshall's
recent book about Burma,

194
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:42,630
a Burmese may well sidle up to you
and murmur:

195
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:48,750
"Excuse me, sir, but I see that your
department store is open even on weekends."

196
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,957
What does he mean by that?
What's the game?

197
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:56,352
Well, it's either... I've been reading
too many Len Deighton novels.

198
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,193
It means the microfilm is under the seat.

199
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:03,478
Or it's "your flies are open" or something...

200
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:08,315
Ten points. "Your flies are undone"
is exactly what it means.

201
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,675
- Very good.
- (applause)

202
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:18,078
Appropriately enough, this book on Burma
is called The Triouseri People,

203
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,550
To give you a foretaste,
it quotes the diary of Sir George Scott,

204
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,950
the man who introduced football to Burma
in the 19th century.

205
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:28,715
"Stepped on something soft and wobbly.
Struck a match."

206
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,951
- "Found it was a dead Chinaman."
- (laughter)

207
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:35,794
Those very much were the days,
weren't they?

208
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,634
We wonder why the British
are hated around the globe.

209
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,114
"Be Upstairs Ready, My Angel",
of course, was BURMA,

210
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,395
B-U-R-M-A, Alan Bennett's sketch.

211
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,199
NOTLOB as well.
"Knickers Off Ready When I Come Home."

212
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,078
- That's NORWICH.
- Norwich. That's right.

213
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,275
(laughter)

214
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:58,151
Oh, yes, NOTLOB's the other one, isn't it? Oh,
it doesn't matter. That's Bolton. Yes, Norwich.

215
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,152
- This man is clinically insane.
- (laughter)

216
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:06,111
While double-checking this information
about etiquette and Burma on the internet,

217
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,350
we came up with the information

218
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:12,433
that it's considered polite
to express joy by eating snow

219
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,637
and to send unwanted guests away
by biting their leg,

220
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,190
and normal behaviour
to wipe your mouth on the sofa.

221
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:23,876
This is true. The researcher was writing
this down with great excitement about Burma

222
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:27,316
only to discover that Burma
turned out to be the name of a poodle

223
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:32,758
- belonging to the author of the website.
- (laughter, applause)

224
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:40,294
Very good.
Now, this third round is about actors.

225
00:13:41,380 --> 00:13:43,336
After weeks of being pointedly ignored on tour
by Sir John Gielgud,

226
00:13:43,420 --> 00:13:47,015
Clive Morton plucked up the courage
to knock on his dressing-room door.

227
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,489
Gielgud opened it.
"Thank God it's you," he said.

228
00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:54,529
"For one dreadful moment I thought it was
going to be that ghastly bore Clive Morton."

229
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:57,453
- Now, why, Hugh...
- Yes?

230
00:13:57,540 --> 00:14:00,816
Why does the actor Edward Woodward
have four Ds in his name?

231
00:14:03,420 --> 00:14:05,058
- (telephone ring)
- No. What are you doing?

232
00:14:05,140 --> 00:14:07,415
- I'm sorry. Finish.
- What are you doing?

233
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:11,778
- I'm sorry. It was a spasm. Go.
- He can't do that.

234
00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:14,328
I'll put it out.
Just carry on. Forget I'm here.

235
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:19,210
- Did you know...? This is quite interesting.
- Yes, good. That's what we're here for.

236
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:24,932
Did you know, kiwi fruit uses more
than its own weight in aviation fuel

237
00:14:25,020 --> 00:14:29,013
- to get from New Zealand to Europe?
- (laughter)

238
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:31,854
(applause)

239
00:14:31,940 --> 00:14:35,216
- Very good. Five points.
- (John) Wonderful.

240
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:38,417
Another five points.
It sounds mad, but is, of course, true.

241
00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:41,697
And regarding Edward Woodward,
that's how you spell it.

242
00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:44,374
(Stephen) Oh, no, let Hugh give an answer.
Poor Hugh.

243
00:14:44,460 --> 00:14:47,577
- No, really, that's fine.
- (laughter)

244
00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:52,893
I was gonna say exactly that, that it's got
that many Ds in it because that's his name.

245
00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:57,178
If you took the Ds out,
it would be a different name. E-war Woo-wa.

246
00:14:57,260 --> 00:15:00,377
- Exactly. It'd be E-war Woo-woo.
- (Hugh) E-war Woo-woo.

247
00:15:00,460 --> 00:15:03,418
It's a sort of structural device, like a joist,

248
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:08,893
which stops his name collapsing into
the sort of spongy mass of E-war Woo-woo.

249
00:15:08,980 --> 00:15:10,572
(laughter)

250
00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:14,450
You're mentioning Edward Woodward
and you mentioned John Gielgud.

251
00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:17,657
Gielgud, when he first heard the name
Edward Woodward, said:

252
00:15:17,740 --> 00:15:21,574
"It's an interesting name.
Sounds like a fart in the bath."

253
00:15:21,660 --> 00:15:23,696
(Stephen) Edward Woodward. It does.

254
00:15:23,780 --> 00:15:27,978
Very good. It's the right answer,
but you get your points, Hugh, naturally.

255
00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:30,099
Now, let's go back to our actors round.

256
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:33,331
Which actor said, "One of my chief regrets
during my years in the theatre

257
00:15:33,420 --> 00:15:36,457
is that I couldn't sit in the audience
and watch me"?

258
00:15:36,540 --> 00:15:39,612
- (Alan) Oh, God, any of 'em.
- (bell)

259
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:44,137
Well, actually, now, hold on,
cos I think actors do a bloody difficult job.

260
00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:47,053
And, you know,
it's quite easy to sit there and...

261
00:15:47,140 --> 00:15:49,256
(Stephen) Fall asleep.

262
00:15:50,220 --> 00:15:53,018
- (Alan) John Gielgud, I reckon.
- No, it's not.

263
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,660
There is a very good story though
about Peter O'Toole

264
00:15:55,740 --> 00:16:00,131
who was once getting drunk in his Celtic
hell-raiser days in a pub in London

265
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:03,769
and at throwing-out time at lunchtime
he said, "Let's go and see a play."

266
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:07,853
And at one point O'Toole nudged his friend.
He said, "This is brilliant."

267
00:16:07,940 --> 00:16:10,534
"This is the bit where I come on.
Oh, bollocks!"

268
00:16:10,620 --> 00:16:12,133
(laughter)

269
00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:18,371
But, in fact, it wasn't, is the answer.
It wasn't any of those.

270
00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:22,373
It was... Considered the great Hamlet
of his age if you're an American,

271
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:24,530
- John Barrymore, it was.
- Oh.

272
00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:27,771
Barrymore famously said,
"Love is the delightful interval

273
00:16:27,860 --> 00:16:32,092
between meeting a beautiful girl and
discovering that she looks like a haddock."

274
00:16:32,180 --> 00:16:34,171
(laughter, applause)

275
00:16:38,740 --> 00:16:41,857
Right. Bearing in mind we want
to be in the bar before half past ten,

276
00:16:41,940 --> 00:16:44,579
fingers on the buzzers
and identify the following.

277
00:16:44,660 --> 00:16:48,335
"They puff out their hair like a cat,
raise one front foot

278
00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:53,619
and then hop menacingly from side to side,
roaring with all the fury of a clogged drain."

279
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:55,850
- (buzzer)
- (Stephen) Yes?

280
00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:59,418
- It's either cats...
- (laughter)

281
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,615
..or clogged drains. One or the other.

282
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,770
- It's actually anteaters.
- (Danny) Oh!

283
00:17:04,860 --> 00:17:09,411
Anteaters. Part of the elaborate play
sequences of young giant anteaters, in fact,

284
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:11,730
which is known as "bluff charging".

285
00:17:11,820 --> 00:17:14,288
We're gonna have a few questions
about anteaters.

286
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:19,329
We're going to start with Alan. What would
you do with a pencil and a lesser anteater?

287
00:17:19,420 --> 00:17:22,139
- Oh, hours of fun.
- (laughter)

288
00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:27,292
I'd probably try and make it
pick it up with its nose.

289
00:17:28,540 --> 00:17:34,729
And then if it really got a good grip on it,
I'd encourage it to do a sketch or a note.

290
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:39,052
I'd say, "Anything that's on your mind,
get it down now."

291
00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:42,815
It could go for 35 miles,
which is how long an average graphite pencil,

292
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:45,368
if you go like that
until there's nothing left.

293
00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:50,488
Isn't that extraordinary? Five points. He knows
how many miles a graphite pencil writes.

294
00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:54,858
A normal length 2HB pencil, 35 miles.
However, with an anteater...

295
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,896
I mean, now I can't get out of my head

296
00:17:57,580 --> 00:18:01,812
the notion of inserting the pencil
somewhere in the anteater

297
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:05,779
and then there being a release
of hundreds of ants.

298
00:18:05,860 --> 00:18:07,771
(laughter)

299
00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:12,092
It's not that. I'll tell you what it is.
Anteaters have enormously long tongues,

300
00:18:12,180 --> 00:18:15,092
but tiny mouths
which are about the diameter of a pencil.

301
00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:19,298
- Its tongue is around 16 inches long...
- I nearly had my face off then, doing that.

302
00:18:19,380 --> 00:18:21,530
No, this way. Yeah.

303
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:23,656
Not that way.

304
00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:28,973
I knew a landlord of a pub once, used to say
to any female customer he liked the look of:

305
00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:32,894
"I've got a nine-inch tongue
and I can breathe through my ears."

306
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:35,289
(laughter)

307
00:18:37,340 --> 00:18:39,808
(Stephen) Wow.

308
00:18:40,580 --> 00:18:42,377
What a charmer.

309
00:18:43,780 --> 00:18:45,452
Now...

310
00:18:50,820 --> 00:18:54,529
That's the longest sustained laugh
I've ever heard in my life.

311
00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:57,851
It never went very high,
but it just went on and on,

312
00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:00,454
a bit like the graphite pencil of laughs.

313
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:03,259
(Stephen) 35-mile laugh.

314
00:19:03,340 --> 00:19:08,778
John, your question. Would you like
to be hugged by a giant anteater?

315
00:19:08,860 --> 00:19:12,978
- Probably not. I'd probably be eviscerated.
- (Stephen) Quite right.

316
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:18,009
The anteaters have,
in order to claw open a termite hill...

317
00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:20,819
I'm getting dull.
David Attenborough does it better.

318
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:25,178
But they have curly fingers, like that,
and they pull it apart.

319
00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:28,570
Once it is pulled apart, as it were,
like a rather interesting pie,

320
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:33,211
then they can get their tongue in, that Alan's
friend in the pub was talking about,

321
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:35,894
and I think I've answered the question.

322
00:19:35,980 --> 00:19:39,609
Absolutely right, yes. A hug
from a giant anteater is fatal to humans,

323
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:43,818
partly because of the fact that giant anteaters
are also known as "ant bears"

324
00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:46,255
for that reason,
because their hug is so fatal.

325
00:19:46,340 --> 00:19:51,130
- They can squash you. A squashing hug.
- They squash you. They break your ribs.

326
00:19:51,220 --> 00:19:54,337
Have they attacked humans?
Exit, pursued by an anteater.

327
00:19:54,420 --> 00:19:58,493
To hug a human they come up to you
and go, "John!" and then go, "Oh, no!"

328
00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:03,051
"What have I done?
I didn't mean any harm."

329
00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:05,893
"I didn't mean any harm!"

330
00:20:05,980 --> 00:20:09,211
- "I don't know my own strength."
- (laughter)

331
00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:13,528
Hugh, how big is a dwarf anteater?

332
00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:16,293
Roughly. You can use your hands.

333
00:20:17,380 --> 00:20:19,052
Metric or imperial?

334
00:20:19,140 --> 00:20:24,897
A dwarf anteater is exactly
the same length as a dwarf-ant eater.

335
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:26,095
(Stephen) Ah.

336
00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:29,013
Both of them, both species are 62 feet.

337
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:31,455
(laughter)

338
00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:34,976
Actually, they're about the size of a squirrel.

339
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:39,133
Right. A 62-foot squirrel.
They're about that sort of size.

340
00:20:39,220 --> 00:20:43,611
They are, and they're similar to squirrels.
because they spend a lot of time in trees

341
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:48,728
And in South America stewed anteater, of this
variety, the dwarf anteater, is a popular dish.

342
00:20:48,820 --> 00:20:52,210
Fried or grilled baby squirrels
are popular in the United States.

343
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:55,292
But, as someone pointed out
in a letter to The Telegraph,

344
00:20:55,380 --> 00:21:01,250
the fried or grilled squirrel should contain
a warning: "May contain nuts."

345
00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:04,976
- Which I thought was lovely.
- (applause)

346
00:21:07,380 --> 00:21:11,612
There's just time for a quick last round,
an assortment called General Ignorance.

347
00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:15,373
Fingers on your buzzers, please,
for this quick-fire round.

348
00:21:15,460 --> 00:21:21,456
Ten points for a right answer, but minus ten
for anything which I have written down here.

349
00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:27,410
Right. All righty. So, which country
has the world's highest suicide rate?

350
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:29,013
- (dog barks)
- (Stephen) Yes?

351
00:21:29,100 --> 00:21:31,568
- Woof?
- (laughter)

352
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,298
- It's always Sweden.
- (alarm bells)

353
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:38,575
(Stephen) You poor soul!

354
00:21:38,660 --> 00:21:42,812
You always do Sweden. It's one of those
urban-mythy things. It's not Sweden.

355
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:45,255
- (bell)
- Another one that I read somewhere

356
00:21:45,340 --> 00:21:48,252
is that a ship's captain
cannot marry people.

357
00:21:48,340 --> 00:21:52,652
- (Stephen) Yes, I've heard that.
- Never been true. Invented by screenwriters.

358
00:21:52,740 --> 00:21:54,890
And lemmings don't jump over cliffs.

359
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:58,450
They were herded together for that
Disney film in 1964 called White Wilderiness,

360
00:21:58,540 --> 00:22:01,771
Disney rounded up these lemmings
and drove Land Rovers at them.

361
00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:06,456
We've all seen that footage of them
going over the cliffs, but they don't do that.

362
00:22:06,540 --> 00:22:10,294
It's got to be five for being interesting
about lemmings. He's a runaway interest.

363
00:22:10,380 --> 00:22:14,931
The suicide answer, I think... I don't know,
but did somebody say Indonesia to me once?

364
00:22:15,020 --> 00:22:20,299
They didn't. Not currently, as far as we know,
is it the correct answer either. It's actually...

365
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:22,689
- England.
- (Stephen) Not England, no.

366
00:22:22,780 --> 00:22:24,611
- Spain?
- (Stephen) No.

367
00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:27,533
This could be rather a long evening,
couldn't it?

368
00:22:27,620 --> 00:22:29,815
- It's actually Lithuania.
- (Alan) Is it?

369
00:22:29,900 --> 00:22:33,575
An astonishing 52 suicides
per 100,000 head of population.

370
00:22:33,660 --> 00:22:38,211
More than 13 times higher than
the United States, which has 4.1 per 100,000.

371
00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:42,816
6.5 times that of Britain, with eight.
Nobody has any idea why this should be.

372
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:47,178
Is it because the capital is so difficult to spell,
and to say?

373
00:22:47,260 --> 00:22:49,330
It's one of those words that really...

374
00:22:49,420 --> 00:22:51,490
- (Hugh) Must be that.
- Which is Vilnius.

375
00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:54,378
- (Stephen) It's not that hard to say.
- It is a bit tricky.

376
00:22:54,460 --> 00:22:56,769
- I've got an idea for a book.
- V-I-L-N-U-I-S?

377
00:22:56,860 --> 00:22:59,533
Could the audience say Vilnius?
One, two, three.

378
00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:03,056
- (audience) Vilnius.
- That's easy, pretty easy.

379
00:23:03,140 --> 00:23:05,734
I was just looking for an answer.
I was desperate.

380
00:23:05,820 --> 00:23:07,776
You knew the answer was Vilnius.

381
00:23:07,860 --> 00:23:11,739
Do you think it would be interesting...

382
00:23:12,420 --> 00:23:16,299
if you got all of the suicide notes

383
00:23:16,380 --> 00:23:20,293
- and published them as a book?
- (laughter)

384
00:23:21,740 --> 00:23:22,729
(Hugh) Yes.

385
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:26,130
It might find out actually
what the hell's going on in Vilnius.

386
00:23:26,220 --> 00:23:29,178
It's the food.

387
00:23:29,260 --> 00:23:31,330
They're all sick of the food here.

388
00:23:31,420 --> 00:23:36,130
- Clearly, again and again, the references.
- (laughter)

389
00:23:36,220 --> 00:23:40,213
Your favourite painter coming up now, Alan,
in this question.

390
00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:42,814
What was Caravaggio's real name?

391
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:46,256
It sounds like Italian
for "Carphone Warehouse".

392
00:23:46,820 --> 00:23:48,856
- (Stephen) It's a buzzer round.
- (buzzer)

393
00:23:48,940 --> 00:23:51,056
Fabio.

394
00:23:51,260 --> 00:23:53,251
Fabio.

395
00:23:53,340 --> 00:23:56,730
You'd think that because he travelled
because of killing people,

396
00:23:56,820 --> 00:23:59,573
it would be Caro-viaggio,
like a lover of travel.

397
00:23:59,660 --> 00:24:02,458
(Stephen) Oh, very good. Yes.
Dear travel, yes.

398
00:24:02,540 --> 00:24:05,737
- (John) No, but it's not.
- No. His real name is Michelangelo.

399
00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:09,335
- Oh, that is something.
- Did Derek Jarman make a film about him?

400
00:24:09,420 --> 00:24:13,379
- He did, called simply Cariavaggio,
- Is that interesting enough for a point?

401
00:24:13,460 --> 00:24:15,735
- (Stephen) No.
- (audience) Yes!

402
00:24:15,820 --> 00:24:17,572
Oh.

403
00:24:17,660 --> 00:24:20,936
We're losing it! We're losing it!

404
00:24:21,380 --> 00:24:23,450
(Stephen) All right.

405
00:24:23,540 --> 00:24:28,819
Caravaggio took the name Caravaggio
because his father, Fermo Merisi,

406
00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:34,133
was the steward and chief architect
of the Marquis of Caravaggio.

407
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:37,417
So, who invented the steam engine?
Fingers on buzzers.

408
00:24:37,500 --> 00:24:39,218
- (telephone ring)
- Yes?

409
00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:42,610
It wasn't, as a lot of people think,
George Stephenson.

410
00:24:42,700 --> 00:24:45,453
- Right. I said who did?
- (John) Exactly.

411
00:24:45,940 --> 00:24:48,579
That person would be a Mr Trevithick.

412
00:24:48,660 --> 00:24:51,094
- Very good, very good.
- (applause)

413
00:24:51,540 --> 00:24:53,451
(Hugh) That's very impressive.

414
00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:58,857
And do you know that Richard Trevithick
went into a pub one night

415
00:24:58,940 --> 00:25:02,853
and - this is true - they built
a steam engine and they got it up to pressure

416
00:25:02,940 --> 00:25:07,138
and they went into a pub, the whole gang
of them, and got absolutely slaughtered.

417
00:25:07,220 --> 00:25:11,577
They forgot about the steam engine and it
blew up and it took about ten houses down.

418
00:25:11,660 --> 00:25:14,857
Richard and Andrew Trevithick
are credited with the modern invention

419
00:25:14,940 --> 00:25:21,652
but the real answer is neither of those. It was
Hero, or Heron, of Alexandria, in 100 AD.

420
00:25:21,740 --> 00:25:28,259
It was called the aeolipile, or wind ball,
using the same principle as jet propulsion.

421
00:25:28,340 --> 00:25:31,969
A metal sphere spun round,
steam-generated, at 1500 rpm,

422
00:25:32,060 --> 00:25:34,620
making it the fastest rotating object
in the world.

423
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:37,453
The Ancient Greeks found it
an amusing novelty, nothing more,

424
00:25:37,540 --> 00:25:40,976
but none of them thought to put it together
with the railway,

425
00:25:41,060 --> 00:25:47,329
which, amazingly, had been invented
700 years earlier by Periander of Corinth.

426
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,217
- (Hugh) No!
- Who had a railway. Yes.

427
00:25:49,300 --> 00:25:53,009
But not steam powered.
Powered by human force.

428
00:25:53,300 --> 00:25:57,498
- Moving on.
- (Alan) I know something interesting.

429
00:25:58,300 --> 00:26:03,135
Stephenson's Rocket
went at 30 miles an hour

430
00:26:03,580 --> 00:26:06,811
and they were sure
that if you went at 30 miles an hour or over,

431
00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:10,859
you would suffer irreparable brain damage,
so they put fences alongside the track

432
00:26:10,940 --> 00:26:16,810
so that passers-by wouldn't have
to witness them just losing it.

433
00:26:17,420 --> 00:26:21,493
I suspect that the person who came up
with that notion wasn't a medical doctor

434
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:24,378
or anything like that.
I suspect it was a fence maker.

435
00:26:24,460 --> 00:26:25,734
(laughter)

436
00:26:27,660 --> 00:26:33,212
It's astonishing what people think. The
Romans thought buggery caused earthquakes.

437
00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:35,256
(Stephen) Really?

438
00:26:35,340 --> 00:26:39,379
- If it's done right. If it's done right.
- (laughter)

439
00:26:39,460 --> 00:26:44,329
Lastly, what is the name
of the 23rd-tallest tree in the world?

440
00:26:44,420 --> 00:26:45,535
(laughter)

441
00:26:49,180 --> 00:26:51,569
Like a Christian name, or a type of...?

442
00:26:51,660 --> 00:26:55,096
It's probably Dave or something like that.

443
00:26:55,900 --> 00:26:59,290
- Giant redwood.
- Well, that is the species of tree.

444
00:26:59,380 --> 00:27:03,214
It's certainly the sequoia, the giant redwood.
But it has a name.

445
00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:06,053
- The lesser giant redwood.
- (laughter)

446
00:27:06,140 --> 00:27:08,893
The 23rd lesser giant redwood.

447
00:27:08,980 --> 00:27:12,017
The answer is...
Oh, you'll kick yourselves.

448
00:27:12,100 --> 00:27:15,456
- Again?
- Well, because it's themed.

449
00:27:15,540 --> 00:27:18,373
- The answer is Adam.
- (all) Oh!

450
00:27:18,460 --> 00:27:22,419
- First round. Remember that far back?
- (Danny) No.

451
00:27:22,500 --> 00:27:26,857
It's one of the 30 named giant sequoias
in the Giant Forest in California,

452
00:27:26,940 --> 00:27:28,771
and it's named after the first man.

453
00:27:28,860 --> 00:27:32,853
So we come full circle
just in time for the final score.

454
00:27:34,260 --> 00:27:36,933
- Alan.
- I've been really interesting at times.

455
00:27:37,020 --> 00:27:42,378
You have been so interesting and you've made
many new friends here tonight.

456
00:27:42,460 --> 00:27:45,975
- You've only made minus five new points.
- (Alan) Brilliant!

457
00:27:46,060 --> 00:27:49,689
(Stephen) In third place, with ten, it's John,

458
00:27:49,780 --> 00:27:52,817
and in second place with 11 is Hugh.

459
00:27:52,900 --> 00:27:56,859
But our runaway winner with 18 QI points
is Danny Baker.

460
00:27:56,940 --> 00:28:00,410
- Thank you very much indeed.
- (applause)

461
00:28:02,580 --> 00:28:07,654
That about wraps it up for QI, It only remains
for me to thank Danny, Alan, Hugh and John,

462
00:28:07,740 --> 00:28:10,208
and to leave you
with something quite interesting,

463
00:28:10,300 --> 00:28:13,178
and it's this local titbit from The Independent,

464
00:28:13,260 --> 00:28:17,378
An army bomb unit was called to investigate
a suspicious-looking package

465
00:28:17,460 --> 00:28:20,293
outside the Territorial Army unit in Bristol.

466
00:28:20,380 --> 00:28:23,531
They blew up,
with a controlled explosion, the package,

467
00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:26,373
only to discover that it was a parcel of leaflets

468
00:28:26,460 --> 00:28:30,214
explaining how to deal
with suspicious packages.

469
00:28:30,300 --> 00:28:32,575
- Good night.
- (applause)