1 00:00:24,548 --> 00:00:26,220 (applause) 2 00:00:31,068 --> 00:00:35,186 Hello and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to QI, 3 00:00:35,268 --> 00:00:39,341 the BBC's answer to a question that no one has ever asked. 4 00:00:39,428 --> 00:00:42,306 Tonight I'm delighted to be joined by the wittiest, cleverest, 5 00:00:42,388 --> 00:00:46,267 best-looking and best-informed audience in television. 6 00:00:46,348 --> 00:00:48,908 And coming along also, we have a panel. 7 00:00:48,988 --> 00:00:52,947 - In order, they are Alan Davies. - (applause) 8 00:00:53,028 --> 00:00:54,825 Jeremy Hardy, 9 00:00:54,908 --> 00:00:56,546 Rich Hall, 10 00:00:56,628 --> 00:00:58,505 and Bill Bailey. 11 00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:03,499 Now, each of them has a distinctive attack call. 12 00:01:03,588 --> 00:01:05,783 - Rich goes... - (chime) 13 00:01:06,628 --> 00:01:09,301 - Jeremy goes... - (cannon shot) 14 00:01:10,428 --> 00:01:12,896 - Bill goes... - (roar) 15 00:01:14,148 --> 00:01:17,777 - Alan goes... - (squeaks) 16 00:01:17,868 --> 00:01:20,223 And I've already been before I came. 17 00:01:20,308 --> 00:01:24,699 Now the rules. Well, the rules are simple. The questions are very unfair and so am I. 18 00:01:24,788 --> 00:01:27,825 A correct answer gets fewer marks than an interesting one, 19 00:01:27,908 --> 00:01:32,265 and a boring answer is penalised more than a wrong one. You'll pick it up as we go along. 20 00:01:32,348 --> 00:01:34,339 (applause) 21 00:01:38,388 --> 00:01:42,540 Now, appropriately enough, our first round tonight is called "Animal Aggression". 22 00:01:42,628 --> 00:01:46,701 And it's not only quite interesting, but also quite particularly not frightening. 23 00:01:46,788 --> 00:01:48,779 Since 1580, when records began, 24 00:01:48,868 --> 00:01:51,985 the total number of attacks on humans by sharks 25 00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:55,424 has been logged at about 2, 200 only. 26 00:01:55,508 --> 00:01:58,147 This is equivalent to just 5% 27 00:01:58,228 --> 00:02:03,507 of the number of Americans injured by toilets in the year 1996. 28 00:02:03,588 --> 00:02:06,386 I'd like to apologise to my mother there for using the word "toilet". 29 00:02:06,468 --> 00:02:09,505 She would prefer if I said "lavatories". 30 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:14,343 This latter statistic we know exactly, according to the official figures, 31 00:02:14,428 --> 00:02:19,263 it was in fact 43,687 Americans 32 00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:21,418 injured by lavatories. 33 00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:26,502 What, so the lavatories didn't actually attack them? 34 00:02:26,588 --> 00:02:30,422 The statistics don't say. They may have done. Are lavatories aggressive in America? 35 00:02:30,508 --> 00:02:36,060 - No, no, they're not at all. - When Lavatories Attack. Channel Five. 36 00:02:36,148 --> 00:02:41,700 This is actually a false statement, once again, making America look like a violent place, 37 00:02:41,788 --> 00:02:45,781 when in fact, these people fell on the toilets, hit their head, maybe they drowned in 'em, 38 00:02:46,548 --> 00:02:47,947 but the toilets themselves did not attack. 39 00:02:48,028 --> 00:02:49,302 - They were passive? - Yes. 40 00:02:49,388 --> 00:02:52,744 - I nearly injured myself the other day. - (Stephen) 0h, yes? 41 00:02:52,828 --> 00:02:56,377 - I was standing... - That's, if I may say, not quite interesting. 42 00:02:56,468 --> 00:03:00,541 But I was standing at the urinal and it was so high, 43 00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:07,898 I had to stand on tiptoe and I nearly pulled a muscle in the hamstring area. 44 00:03:09,068 --> 00:03:12,140 And it must have been a really, really lanky plumber who put it up. 45 00:03:12,228 --> 00:03:15,300 - (Stephen) It must have been. - You were in a giant's toilet. 46 00:03:15,388 --> 00:03:19,939 - I stumbled into a giant's loo. - (Jeremy) It might have been a fountain. 47 00:03:20,828 --> 00:03:23,547 - It was a font in a church. - It was outdoors. 48 00:03:23,628 --> 00:03:27,337 I was not weeing in a font. I resent that implication. 49 00:03:27,428 --> 00:03:29,942 "I baptise this... Oi! Stop that!" 50 00:03:30,028 --> 00:03:31,586 "Disgusting!" 51 00:03:32,468 --> 00:03:36,347 Almost time to come to the first question, you might think, really. 52 00:03:36,428 --> 00:03:39,784 If you heard the sound of fuffing, 53 00:03:39,868 --> 00:03:43,656 what would you expect to be imminently savaged by? 54 00:03:43,748 --> 00:03:45,978 (chime) 55 00:03:46,068 --> 00:03:48,662 I just want to say that it's 9pm. 56 00:03:51,228 --> 00:03:53,298 (chime) 57 00:03:56,148 --> 00:03:58,139 Fuffing, uh... 58 00:03:59,788 --> 00:04:05,385 Fuffing is a Yiddish word for... They have fuffers in porn films, 59 00:04:06,748 --> 00:04:13,187 to get the actors erect, so you would expect a Chassidic Jew porn star to jump on you. 60 00:04:14,348 --> 00:04:15,986 - No. - (roar) 61 00:04:16,588 --> 00:04:18,226 (Stephen) Bill. Fuffing. 62 00:04:18,308 --> 00:04:24,907 Fuffing? Well, you're nearly there. But fuffers are small creatures... 63 00:04:24,988 --> 00:04:29,027 - Fuff, fuff, fuff. ...that are used to fuff in porn films. 64 00:04:29,108 --> 00:04:31,542 - Yeah. - Instead of human fuffers... 65 00:04:31,628 --> 00:04:35,337 - Shoot up the trouser leg and arouse you. ...they have tiny marsupials 66 00:04:35,428 --> 00:04:37,419 that just titillate the genitals. 67 00:04:37,508 --> 00:04:40,181 For the Animal Planet channel. 68 00:04:40,268 --> 00:04:43,704 - When Animals Mate. - (Stephen) The adult Discovery Channel. 69 00:04:43,788 --> 00:04:48,623 Yeah, the adult Discovery Channel. They have to get the animals worked up. 70 00:04:48,708 --> 00:04:51,268 Is the animal going, "fuff, fuff, fuff"? 71 00:04:51,348 --> 00:04:54,146 Or is it the noise of it dragging itself along the ground? 72 00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:56,742 It's onomatopoeic in as much as it is descriptive 73 00:04:56,828 --> 00:04:59,581 of the noise the animal makes when attacking you. 74 00:04:59,668 --> 00:05:02,819 - A lion with a harelip. - A snake. 75 00:05:04,428 --> 00:05:06,464 (Stephen) Not a snake. 76 00:05:06,548 --> 00:05:11,747 Actually, the answer is it's either a tiger or a weasel. 77 00:05:11,828 --> 00:05:18,586 Tigers never roar before attacking, no matter what the movies may say. 78 00:05:18,668 --> 00:05:23,423 Unlike lions, tigers are totally solitary animals who come together only when mating. 79 00:05:23,508 --> 00:05:26,545 Tigers only roar to tell other tigers where they are. 80 00:05:26,628 --> 00:05:30,257 - To where the Frosties are. - Exactly. 81 00:05:30,748 --> 00:05:37,426 If you're having Frosties and you hear, "fuff, fuff", you're eating Tony's Frosties. 82 00:05:37,508 --> 00:05:40,147 - F-F-F-Frosties. - F-F-Frosties. Indeed. 83 00:05:40,228 --> 00:05:42,822 So you're saying it could be a tiger or a weasel? 84 00:05:42,908 --> 00:05:47,220 - Weasels also fuff, yes. - Weasels are part of the tiger family. 85 00:05:47,308 --> 00:05:50,539 Many people think the weasel is akin to the stoat or the polecat, 86 00:05:50,628 --> 00:05:52,823 but it's actually a huge prairie cat. 87 00:05:52,908 --> 00:05:55,786 They are stoatally different, you mean? 88 00:05:55,868 --> 00:06:00,578 No, I'm sorry. That's unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable. I'm sorry. 89 00:06:00,668 --> 00:06:05,583 - The weasel some kind of bonsai tiger, no? - I don't think you're right there, Jeremy. 90 00:06:06,788 --> 00:06:10,337 They're adopted and one day the tigers have to break it to the weasel when he's 16. 91 00:06:10,428 --> 00:06:13,625 "We're not your real mum and dad." 92 00:06:13,708 --> 00:06:18,259 "Wah! No wonder I'm so mad. Fuff, fuff, fuff!" 93 00:06:19,468 --> 00:06:24,496 "Don't you fuff, fuff like that. You're only a weasel." 94 00:06:26,388 --> 00:06:29,983 You couldn't get a tiger up your trousers, even if you were a Northerner. 95 00:06:30,068 --> 00:06:34,539 If you had really big trousers. Or a tiny little tiger. 96 00:06:36,548 --> 00:06:39,426 But the national symbol of Croatia is the weasel. 97 00:06:39,508 --> 00:06:42,978 - Is that correct? If you promise that's true... - (Alan) You've given me a headache now. 98 00:06:43,068 --> 00:06:45,263 ...I might give you five points. - It's true. 99 00:06:45,348 --> 00:06:48,226 Croatia has a weasel as its? That's terribly sweet. 100 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:51,061 All the other ones had gone. 101 00:06:51,148 --> 00:06:54,299 "Lion's gone. What have we got left? We have to have weasel." 102 00:06:54,388 --> 00:06:56,743 (Stephen) Excellent. I like that. Good. 103 00:06:57,348 --> 00:07:01,819 Would you consider undressing for the benefit of a hungry polar bear? 104 00:07:01,908 --> 00:07:04,342 - (chime) - (Stephen) Again, Rich. 105 00:07:04,428 --> 00:07:06,544 It's now 9:15. 106 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:12,065 Yes, you would undress for a polar bear because... 107 00:07:12,548 --> 00:07:18,384 polar bears don't like the taste of human flesh. 108 00:07:18,468 --> 00:07:23,826 But they would steal your clothes to get into a restaurant. 109 00:07:23,908 --> 00:07:29,346 - You're oddly close to the truth there. - (hums "The Stripper") 110 00:07:29,428 --> 00:07:31,578 They are easily distracted 111 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:35,058 - and offering articles... - Why don't you just say, "Look at that"? 112 00:07:35,148 --> 00:07:37,787 No, you see, Alan, this is a common mistake. 113 00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:43,101 Only humans follow the line of the finger. Animals look at the finger. 114 00:07:43,188 --> 00:07:46,305 If you point at something, the dog won't go, "What's he looking at?" 115 00:07:46,388 --> 00:07:48,583 He'll look at your finger. 116 00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:53,901 What happens is you back away slowly, offering clothes and it stops, apparently, 117 00:07:53,988 --> 00:07:57,981 - at each piece of clothing... - (Alan) So once you take your pants off... 118 00:07:58,068 --> 00:08:01,185 It wants to sniff your scanties, essentially, and will do so. 119 00:08:01,268 --> 00:08:04,658 - (Bill) And then you die of exposure. - Unfortunately, it is true. 120 00:08:04,748 --> 00:08:09,264 In precisely the place where you're most likely to meet a polar bear, it is the least warm. 121 00:08:09,348 --> 00:08:12,420 I know something quite interesting about polar bears. 122 00:08:12,508 --> 00:08:15,181 They don't have white fur. 123 00:08:15,268 --> 00:08:19,898 - Well, you better look behind you, pal. - (Stephen) What's that? 124 00:08:19,988 --> 00:08:22,627 - I was ready for you. - Come on. 125 00:08:22,708 --> 00:08:29,147 They have clear little follicles, but cos they reflect the snow, they come across as white. 126 00:08:29,228 --> 00:08:33,141 But he's on a rock and he's white. What's happening there? 127 00:08:33,908 --> 00:08:36,820 Just near him is something really white. 128 00:08:37,828 --> 00:08:41,662 There'll be a white van with all the food in for the... 129 00:08:41,748 --> 00:08:44,057 - That is not a polar bear behind you. - (Stephen) Is it not? 130 00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:46,139 It's a weasel. 131 00:08:47,148 --> 00:08:49,708 They are beautiful animals, aren't they? You must admit they are. 132 00:08:49,788 --> 00:08:54,657 Well, I'd certainly tell one he was beautiful if he came near me. 133 00:08:54,748 --> 00:08:58,707 The point we're making about polar bears is these animals can run at 30 miles an hour 134 00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:02,144 and what you certainly shouldn't do is try and run away from them... 135 00:09:02,228 --> 00:09:05,584 - Unless you're with a friend. ...or attack them or stand still. 136 00:09:05,668 --> 00:09:08,387 Like a gorilla - it's quite a good idea to stand absolutely still. 137 00:09:08,468 --> 00:09:11,904 That's why you should always be with a friend if you encounter a polar bear, 138 00:09:11,988 --> 00:09:13,979 because you can't outrun the polar bear, 139 00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:17,026 you don't need to, you just need to outrun your friend. 140 00:09:17,108 --> 00:09:21,101 Ah, very good. Very good. Cynical, but excellent. 141 00:09:21,188 --> 00:09:25,340 Now moving on to our third question in this "Animal Aggression" category, 142 00:09:25,428 --> 00:09:31,264 which of these would you choose to defend yourself against an alligator with? 143 00:09:32,348 --> 00:09:33,337 A, a paper clip. 144 00:09:33,428 --> 00:09:35,544 B, crocodile clip. 145 00:09:35,628 --> 00:09:38,096 C, paper bag. 146 00:09:38,188 --> 00:09:40,179 D, handbag. 147 00:09:40,268 --> 00:09:42,338 E, rubber band. 148 00:09:42,428 --> 00:09:46,103 I'm expert on alligators because I grew up in the swamps of New Orleans. 149 00:09:46,188 --> 00:09:47,257 0h, tell, then. 150 00:09:47,348 --> 00:09:51,227 When it says to defend yourself against an alligator, that's the trick part of the question. 151 00:09:51,308 --> 00:09:54,380 This means if the alligator is litigious, 152 00:09:54,468 --> 00:10:00,657 and is trying to sue you, let's say because you're wearing his mom on your feet. 153 00:10:00,748 --> 00:10:02,943 There's a lot of paperwork involved 154 00:10:03,028 --> 00:10:06,816 in defending yourself in court against an alligator. 155 00:10:06,908 --> 00:10:11,424 - You'll need a paper clip for that. - Is that where the word "allegation" is from? 156 00:10:11,508 --> 00:10:14,500 - (Stephen) Very good. - However... 157 00:10:17,548 --> 00:10:21,063 You might need a paper bag if the alligator... 158 00:10:21,148 --> 00:10:23,981 Alligators will taunt you before they attack you. 159 00:10:24,068 --> 00:10:27,424 And will, like a boxer, they will often hold a press conference. 160 00:10:27,508 --> 00:10:31,820 And they will say, "You can't fight your way out of a paper bag, buddy." 161 00:10:31,908 --> 00:10:35,662 And then you'll have to prove that you could fight your way out of a paper bag 162 00:10:35,748 --> 00:10:39,821 - before you can fight the alligator. - Ingenious. Ingenious and so wrong. 163 00:10:39,908 --> 00:10:45,460 - Any thoughts on the right answer? - Inflate the paper bag, bang, like a gun. 164 00:10:45,548 --> 00:10:49,666 And the alligator loses all confidence. 165 00:10:50,588 --> 00:10:52,863 Possible. It's possible. 166 00:10:52,948 --> 00:10:57,226 It starts to back away like that and then you get the handbag 167 00:10:57,308 --> 00:11:00,186 and ram it over its snout like that. 168 00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:04,978 And then put the clips on its nipples, really... 169 00:11:05,068 --> 00:11:08,504 You almost flirted with the answer there, Bill, 170 00:11:08,588 --> 00:11:11,307 when you talked about putting the handbag over its jaws. 171 00:11:11,388 --> 00:11:13,982 But he also said that alligators have nipples. 172 00:11:14,068 --> 00:11:19,426 That's a very good point. We do have to pull you up on your nipples, there. 173 00:11:19,508 --> 00:11:23,706 - Alligators are not mammals. - Have you never milked an alligator? 174 00:11:23,788 --> 00:11:28,623 No. No one has, and if you think you have, I'm afraid you really do have a problem. 175 00:11:28,708 --> 00:11:33,418 If you had a really big crocodile clip, you could clamp its jaw shut. 176 00:11:33,508 --> 00:11:36,102 Well, ah, now, you see, this is the interesting thing. 177 00:11:36,188 --> 00:11:40,579 I will tell you the answer because alligators and crocodiles, despite their fearsomeness, 178 00:11:40,668 --> 00:11:44,547 will be rendered pretty much hopeless if you pop a rubber band round them, 179 00:11:44,628 --> 00:11:48,382 because the muscles that close the jaws of a crocodile and an alligator 180 00:11:48,468 --> 00:11:51,699 amount to several tons per square inch, 181 00:11:51,788 --> 00:11:55,224 but the muscles that open them are so weak that they can be rendered silly 182 00:11:55,308 --> 00:11:58,778 just by the presence of a small, stout elastic band around them. 183 00:11:58,868 --> 00:12:02,417 So all you would have to do is pop the elastic band before it managed to open its mouth. 184 00:12:02,588 --> 00:12:04,863 All you would have to do? 185 00:12:06,348 --> 00:12:10,421 Why is it all aquatic vicious beasts can be subdued by something really simple? 186 00:12:10,508 --> 00:12:13,625 Like sharks as well, you just punch them stoutly on the nose, don't you? 187 00:12:13,708 --> 00:12:16,017 I suppose it's because in their natural habitats, 188 00:12:16,108 --> 00:12:19,737 things like the ability to punch stoutly on the nose don't exist. 189 00:12:19,828 --> 00:12:24,060 There is no stout-punching fish that roams the oceans. 190 00:12:24,148 --> 00:12:28,346 And there is no rubber-band bird in the Everglades. 191 00:12:28,428 --> 00:12:30,988 I think we have to move on from there, ladies and gentlemen. 192 00:12:31,068 --> 00:12:33,377 Don't forget that we human beings are also animals 193 00:12:33,468 --> 00:12:36,221 and among the beastlier and most aggressive of all. 194 00:12:36,308 --> 00:12:38,868 As evidenced by this cutting from the Daily Telegraph. 195 00:12:38,948 --> 00:12:41,701 "Police rushed to rescue a horse in Dorking, Surrey, 196 00:12:41,788 --> 00:12:46,066 after a passing motorist saw it tied to a post so short 197 00:12:46,148 --> 00:12:48,662 that the horse couldn't reach down to chew the grass." 198 00:12:48,748 --> 00:12:53,697 "They found that the poor animal had only one ear and was missing a back leg." 199 00:12:53,788 --> 00:12:56,746 It was also made of wood and an advertisement for a local riding school. 200 00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:00,019 (applause) 201 00:13:05,408 --> 00:13:08,047 Now, according to Douglas Adams' book, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, 202 00:13:08,128 --> 00:13:13,248 there is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers 203 00:13:13,328 --> 00:13:17,116 exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, 204 00:13:17,208 --> 00:13:23,204 it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. 205 00:13:23,288 --> 00:13:27,281 There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 206 00:13:27,368 --> 00:13:32,522 Let's see what you feel about that after this round of questions on astronomy. 207 00:13:32,608 --> 00:13:37,204 - How many moons does the Earth have? - (clucking) 208 00:13:38,368 --> 00:13:41,565 The Earth has one moon which is made of cheese. 209 00:13:41,648 --> 00:13:43,639 - Oh! - (alarm bells) 210 00:13:50,648 --> 00:13:53,845 - I'm afraid you lose ten. - But it does have one moon. 211 00:13:53,928 --> 00:13:56,442 - No. - It's called "the moon". 212 00:13:58,528 --> 00:14:02,760 - (Stephen) One of them. That's it. - I rest my case for the defence. 213 00:14:02,848 --> 00:14:04,679 (applause) 214 00:14:04,768 --> 00:14:08,727 I can understand, Alan, that you would feel hard done by, 215 00:14:08,808 --> 00:14:11,845 but the answer is that there are two moons. 216 00:14:11,928 --> 00:14:16,046 One is the one we know called "the moon". The other is called Cruithne. 217 00:14:16,128 --> 00:14:20,121 It's three miles across and orbits the world every 770 years. 218 00:14:20,208 --> 00:14:22,722 Oh, you're just making this up. 219 00:14:24,088 --> 00:14:26,158 - Cruithne? - Cruithne. Yeah. 220 00:14:26,248 --> 00:14:29,001 Who comes up with this shit? 221 00:14:31,008 --> 00:14:33,727 - You're telling me there's a second moon? - I am. 222 00:14:33,808 --> 00:14:39,201 "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend". 223 00:14:45,488 --> 00:14:50,881 Why is there not one romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it? 224 00:14:50,968 --> 00:14:54,085 "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky" or "Cruithne River"? 225 00:14:54,168 --> 00:15:00,437 - No one can see it... - Cos it was discovered in 199... (bleep) 4! 226 00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:11,078 That is nine years! Nine years to write a romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it. 227 00:15:11,168 --> 00:15:15,639 In the last nine years, no romantic songs, as far as I know, have been written at all. 228 00:15:15,728 --> 00:15:17,639 - Um... - Bryan Adams wrote one. 229 00:15:17,728 --> 00:15:22,199 - Please! - "Everything I do, I do it for Cruithne"? 230 00:15:23,448 --> 00:15:25,916 It's a challenge to all of you songwriters out there, 231 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:30,126 if you want to write songs rhyming the moon with June, find a rhyme for "Cruithne". 232 00:15:30,208 --> 00:15:36,397 Come with me. Fly me to Cruithne, let me sing amongst the stars. 233 00:15:36,488 --> 00:15:41,323 - Will you miss me? - Don't go to Dithneyland, go to Cruithneland. 234 00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:44,241 - Don't diss me on Cruithne. - Oh, no, no. 235 00:15:44,328 --> 00:15:47,320 - Not white middle-class people doing rap. - Yeah! Rapping! 236 00:15:47,408 --> 00:15:50,286 No, not doing that. No, please. No. 237 00:15:51,528 --> 00:15:54,201 - OK. No, no. - Cruithne. 238 00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:58,759 It's so embarrassing. Right. Ah, we have late breaking news, as a matter of fact. 239 00:15:58,848 --> 00:16:00,998 Cruithne is pronounced "Crueenya" 240 00:16:01,088 --> 00:16:06,526 and it's actually Celtic, and its orbit was discovered in 1997. There you are. 241 00:16:06,608 --> 00:16:09,520 People have been busy on our behalf on the internet and elsewhere, 242 00:16:09,608 --> 00:16:11,439 calling up important astronomers royal. 243 00:16:13,088 --> 00:16:16,967 Now, our next question, where is 90% of the universe? 244 00:16:17,048 --> 00:16:18,367 - (cannon shot) - Jeremy? 245 00:16:18,448 --> 00:16:21,360 - IKEA. - (laughter and applause) 246 00:16:23,968 --> 00:16:26,402 Very good. I'll give you five for that. 247 00:16:26,488 --> 00:16:29,286 IKEA doesn't have any windows. 248 00:16:30,568 --> 00:16:32,160 They don't sell windows, even. 249 00:16:32,248 --> 00:16:36,446 They deliberately have no windows in IKEA so you can't see out, 250 00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:39,281 - so you have no sense of time passing. - (Bill) Horrible. 251 00:16:39,368 --> 00:16:43,680 So you don't know what time you went in, so you can be in there for weeks. 252 00:16:43,768 --> 00:16:45,963 - Is that literally true? - Yeah. And actually, 253 00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:50,644 if you don't have access, your body doesn't have access to the natural passing of light... 254 00:16:50,728 --> 00:16:53,037 You buy spoons. 255 00:16:53,128 --> 00:16:56,837 I was told, is this correct, that all their products are named? 256 00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:59,123 I mean, not like "chair", but they're called Neville. 257 00:16:59,208 --> 00:17:05,966 You'd like it, because they're all strange foreign names like Lublik and Noonbar. 258 00:17:07,048 --> 00:17:09,278 What is there about me that makes you think I would like that? 259 00:17:09,368 --> 00:17:13,043 - (Bill) Your love of the exotic. - You love words. You like funny, odd words. 260 00:17:13,128 --> 00:17:16,040 - I do. - Like Cruithne. 261 00:17:17,008 --> 00:17:22,958 - Where is 90% of the universe, I asked you? - Outside. Outside this building. 262 00:17:23,048 --> 00:17:24,197 (chime) 263 00:17:24,288 --> 00:17:28,281 The universe is saddle-shaped, it's on a horse. 264 00:17:29,128 --> 00:17:31,926 And the other 10% is attachments. 265 00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:35,243 - Like nosebags and things. - Yeah. 266 00:17:35,328 --> 00:17:39,958 There's some truth in that. Stephen Hawking seems to think that it is saddle-shaped. 267 00:17:40,048 --> 00:17:43,245 He seems to think that it could be, like, at two points. 268 00:17:43,328 --> 00:17:46,365 - You don't really know what he's saying. - You all thought Rich Hall was very weird, 269 00:17:46,448 --> 00:17:48,643 but in fact, he was making a very serious point. 270 00:17:48,728 --> 00:17:51,003 - Mind you, he is weird. - Don't tell them I'm (bleep) weird! 271 00:17:51,088 --> 00:17:52,999 - What's wrong with you? - I'm telling them... 272 00:17:53,088 --> 00:17:55,318 I'm doing my best to swim along with this programme 273 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:58,844 that gives no (bleep) cars when you get points 274 00:17:58,928 --> 00:18:01,920 - and now you tell them I'm weird! - I'm telling them you're not weird. 275 00:18:02,008 --> 00:18:06,001 I'm not the one who's telling people there's a second moon. 276 00:18:07,008 --> 00:18:10,398 It depends what you mean because I would think 277 00:18:10,488 --> 00:18:15,198 that most of the universe doesn't... there isn't anything and it's just a vacuum. 278 00:18:15,288 --> 00:18:20,203 But there are bits of universe, like stars and collections of matter and gas. 279 00:18:20,288 --> 00:18:25,521 - The gaps in between are bigger, you mean? - The gaps in between, 90%, there's nothing. 280 00:18:25,608 --> 00:18:29,044 The gaps between do count as the universe, however, but you're sort of on the right lines, 281 00:18:29,128 --> 00:18:33,246 because the answer is that 90% of the universe... well, nobody knows where it is. 282 00:18:33,328 --> 00:18:35,967 Most astronomers agree that at least 90% of the universe 283 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,437 - is made of so-called "dark matter". - (Bill) Yes. 284 00:18:38,528 --> 00:18:41,247 And this stuff is invisible, and no one knows where it is. 285 00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:44,240 Sir Martin Rees, the Astronomer Royal, has been quoted as saying: 286 00:18:44,328 --> 00:18:49,800 "It's embarrassing that 90% of the universe is unaccounted for." 287 00:18:50,768 --> 00:18:53,680 We're all basing this on what Stephen Hawking says, and the fact is, 288 00:18:53,768 --> 00:18:57,522 he's subject to interference from minicabs. 289 00:19:02,688 --> 00:19:06,886 I want to rescue this programme from accusations of sickness 290 00:19:06,968 --> 00:19:08,799 and move on to another question. 291 00:19:08,888 --> 00:19:11,561 - What colour is the universe? - (cannon shot) 292 00:19:11,648 --> 00:19:14,162 Magnolia. 293 00:19:14,248 --> 00:19:16,284 Everything's magnolia these days. 294 00:19:16,368 --> 00:19:20,600 It's very spacious, you see, so you want a light colour, but you don't... 295 00:19:20,688 --> 00:19:22,838 it would be overpowering if it was white. 296 00:19:22,928 --> 00:19:25,761 You might do a dark ceiling, just to bring it in a bit. 297 00:19:25,848 --> 00:19:28,123 - (Stephen) I was going to say. - It's deceptive, the universe, 298 00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,837 because from the outside, if you're God, it looks quite small. 299 00:19:31,928 --> 00:19:34,806 But when you're in there, it's really quite spacious with plenty of storage. 300 00:19:34,888 --> 00:19:39,643 You're very, very, very close, I have to say. It's not quite magnolia. 301 00:19:39,728 --> 00:19:42,242 - Beige. - Absolutely right, ten points. 302 00:19:42,328 --> 00:19:45,638 It is in fact beige, the universe. Brilliant. 303 00:19:47,168 --> 00:19:50,638 - What? - Not to the naked eye, though? 304 00:19:50,728 --> 00:19:53,367 Not to the naked eye, I quite agree, but it is official. 305 00:19:53,448 --> 00:19:58,317 Last year, after analysing the light from 200,000 galaxies, 306 00:19:58,408 --> 00:20:02,640 American scientists announced that the universe was pale green, 307 00:20:02,728 --> 00:20:05,561 not black with silvery bits, as it appears to us. 308 00:20:05,648 --> 00:20:09,004 Taking the Dulux paint range as a standard, 309 00:20:09,648 --> 00:20:16,042 it is somewhere between Mexican Mint, Jade Cluster and Shangri-la Silk. 310 00:20:16,128 --> 00:20:19,837 However, to the embarrassment of the American astrophysical community, 311 00:20:19,928 --> 00:20:24,365 a few weeks after announcing their discovery to the American Astronomical Society, 312 00:20:24,448 --> 00:20:27,918 they had to admit that they had actually made a mistake in their calculations 313 00:20:28,008 --> 00:20:32,047 and the universe was, in fact, more a sort of taupe or beige colour. 314 00:20:32,128 --> 00:20:37,282 I thought it was Gay Whisper with a touch of Amber Glow, which are my favourite... 315 00:20:37,368 --> 00:20:39,962 This is, my pancake colour, is called Gay Whisper. Did you know that? 316 00:20:40,048 --> 00:20:43,836 It actually is, literally true. Gay Whisper. 317 00:20:45,208 --> 00:20:48,518 Is gay whispers like Chinese whispers? 318 00:20:48,608 --> 00:20:50,917 Only more fun. 319 00:20:56,008 --> 00:20:58,363 Well, now we have another question here and this is for a bonus of ten. 320 00:20:58,448 --> 00:21:03,044 Fingers on the buzzers, please. How many planets are there in the solar system? 321 00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:05,005 (clucking) Nine. 322 00:21:05,088 --> 00:21:08,319 - (alarm bells) - Oh, sorry, once again. 323 00:21:08,408 --> 00:21:13,163 Nine, not the right answer. That's another forfeit of ten, I'm afraid. 324 00:21:13,248 --> 00:21:15,637 I'm afraid the answer is actually eight. 325 00:21:15,728 --> 00:21:20,165 - I'm going to write them down, you carry on. - Yeah, all right, OK. 326 00:21:20,248 --> 00:21:21,761 - Mars. - Yes, Mars is one. 327 00:21:21,848 --> 00:21:24,282 - Pluto. - No. 328 00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:28,565 - (Rich) Here we go again. - Pluto is a planet. 329 00:21:28,648 --> 00:21:30,161 (Jeremy) Goofy. 330 00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:34,036 It was discovered in the 1930s, it was the most recent planet to be discovered. 331 00:21:34,128 --> 00:21:37,040 By Clyde Tombaugh in 1930. Exactly, yes. 332 00:21:37,128 --> 00:21:40,040 But it's a collection of gasses, it's not actually... 333 00:21:40,128 --> 00:21:43,484 It's not a planet, no. By no criterion by which planets are judged 334 00:21:43,568 --> 00:21:48,323 - could Pluto be said to be a planet. - It's really big and it goes round the sun. 335 00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:52,083 - (Bill) So does Michael Winner. - Yes, it's not really big at all, it's tiny. 336 00:21:52,168 --> 00:21:55,478 Well, that's why it took so long to find. Don't be hard on it for being small. 337 00:21:55,568 --> 00:21:58,002 There are many others the same size that are going round the sun 338 00:21:58,088 --> 00:22:01,603 - which are not classified as planets. - I watched an entire BBC series... 339 00:22:01,688 --> 00:22:04,156 - Called The Planets. ...called The Planets. 340 00:22:04,248 --> 00:22:07,001 Banged on and on about there being nine. 341 00:22:07,088 --> 00:22:11,604 There was a great movement afoot to discover the ninth planet. 342 00:22:11,688 --> 00:22:14,919 Hubble, the astronomer, had predicted there would be a ninth planet. 343 00:22:15,008 --> 00:22:19,479 Clyde Tombaugh in 1930 discovered Pluto and claimed that it was a planet. 344 00:22:20,408 --> 00:22:22,763 But almost everybody now is agreed that it isn't. 345 00:22:22,848 --> 00:22:25,965 - What is it, then? - It's a tiny ball of ice. 346 00:22:26,688 --> 00:22:31,318 The sort of earthy, solid planets, like Mars and Venus 347 00:22:31,408 --> 00:22:36,243 - and Mercury... - Yeah, but they're not solid, because Uranus 348 00:22:36,328 --> 00:22:39,525 - is known as one of the gas giants. - That's what I was starting to say. 349 00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,963 There are the four earth ones and there are the four gas ones. 350 00:22:42,048 --> 00:22:44,516 - (Jeremy) Come out with it and say Uranus. - But Pluto is neither. 351 00:22:44,608 --> 00:22:48,078 On the other hand, if Pluto can be said to be a planet, then so can the asteroids, 352 00:22:48,168 --> 00:22:50,887 already technically known as minor planets. 353 00:22:50,968 --> 00:22:56,361 In the year 2000, 71,788 of these, with more being discovered every year, 354 00:22:56,448 --> 00:23:00,805 Pluto is only twice as big as the largest of these, which is Ceres, 355 00:23:00,888 --> 00:23:03,960 and is not only much tinier than all the other planets, 356 00:23:04,048 --> 00:23:06,721 but is smaller than several of their moons as well. 357 00:23:06,808 --> 00:23:07,797 (chime) 358 00:23:07,888 --> 00:23:12,518 Is there a rest stop between you and the end of this taping? 359 00:23:12,608 --> 00:23:15,964 We are going to close this round on astronomy 360 00:23:16,048 --> 00:23:20,360 with a story about William James, the American psychologist and philosopher, 361 00:23:20,448 --> 00:23:22,598 brother, of course, of the novelist Henry James. 362 00:23:22,688 --> 00:23:25,760 He'd just finished giving a lecture on the solar system 363 00:23:25,848 --> 00:23:28,920 when he was approached by an elderly lady. "Mr James," she said, 364 00:23:29,008 --> 00:23:32,205 "we don't live on a ball rotating around the sun, 365 00:23:32,288 --> 00:23:36,486 we live on a crust of earth on the back of a giant turtle." 366 00:23:36,568 --> 00:23:38,445 James was a kindly man. 367 00:23:38,528 --> 00:23:44,160 "If your theory is correct, madam," he asked, patiently, "what does this turtle stand on?" 368 00:23:44,248 --> 00:23:50,960 "The first turtle stands on the back of a second, larger turtle", she snorted derisively. 369 00:23:53,048 --> 00:23:54,800 "But what does this second turtle stand on?" Pressed the philosopher. 370 00:23:54,888 --> 00:24:01,726 "It's no use, Mr James," crowed the old lady, triumphantly, "it's turtles all the way down." 371 00:24:02,848 --> 00:24:06,921 See, this is why America has a space programme. 372 00:24:08,008 --> 00:24:10,920 And Brits think that we're all standing on the backs of turtles, 373 00:24:11,008 --> 00:24:14,967 with these weird moons going around that no one's ever heard of. 374 00:24:15,048 --> 00:24:17,926 I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Rich, but William James was American 375 00:24:18,008 --> 00:24:20,886 - and the woman he was talking to was. - Yes, he was. 376 00:24:20,968 --> 00:24:24,404 And then his brother Jesse shot her. 377 00:24:25,968 --> 00:24:27,959 (applause) 378 00:24:30,848 --> 00:24:34,238 Well, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the last round, in time-honoured fashion. 379 00:24:34,328 --> 00:24:37,798 It's not QI - Quite Interesting, but GI - General Ignorance. 380 00:24:37,888 --> 00:24:40,800 And fingers on the buzzers, please, for this one. 381 00:24:40,888 --> 00:24:44,039 What is the name of the capital city of Thailand? 382 00:24:44,128 --> 00:24:45,356 - (clucking) - Yes, Alan? 383 00:24:45,448 --> 00:24:47,962 - Bangkok. - Oh, Alan! 384 00:24:48,048 --> 00:24:50,039 (alarm bells) 385 00:24:52,728 --> 00:24:54,480 No, I will tell you the answer. 386 00:24:54,568 --> 00:24:58,356 The answer is in fact Krung Thep, 387 00:24:58,448 --> 00:25:02,202 meaning "City of Angels", same as Los Angeles. 388 00:25:02,288 --> 00:25:05,644 An abbreviation for the official name, which is the longest place name in the world. 389 00:25:05,728 --> 00:25:08,242 Only ignorant foreigners, apparently, call it Bangkok, 390 00:25:08,328 --> 00:25:13,038 which hasn't been used in Thailand for more than 200 years as a name for that city. 391 00:25:13,128 --> 00:25:17,246 Pluto and Bangkok don't exist all of a sudden. 392 00:25:17,328 --> 00:25:20,047 I'm scared to go out. 393 00:25:22,048 --> 00:25:24,642 To the nearest thousand, 394 00:25:24,728 --> 00:25:27,925 how many brides walked down the aisle in Britain last year? 395 00:25:28,008 --> 00:25:29,441 - (cannon shot) - Yes, Jeremy? 396 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:32,520 Is that a clue, cos there's ten? 397 00:25:32,608 --> 00:25:35,361 - (Stephen) No, it's not. - (chime) 398 00:25:35,448 --> 00:25:37,439 Mr Cheerful? 399 00:25:38,408 --> 00:25:44,517 When you say turtle after turtle after turtle, what is the last turtle standing on? 400 00:25:44,608 --> 00:25:48,760 That's kind of the point of the anecdote. That was what William James said, 401 00:25:48,848 --> 00:25:53,638 and the woman said, "It's no use, Mr James, it's turtles all the way down." 402 00:25:53,728 --> 00:25:56,686 She believed it was a universe of infinite turtles. 403 00:25:56,768 --> 00:26:00,477 It is a sort of trick question, in as much as what is the aisle of a church? 404 00:26:00,568 --> 00:26:02,957 - (Jeremy) It's the middle bit. - It's the bit down the middle, the path. 405 00:26:03,048 --> 00:26:06,006 - No, you see, that's the odd thing. It isn't. - (Alan) From the door to altar. 406 00:26:06,088 --> 00:26:10,684 It is the sides. The long part is simply called the central passage way. 407 00:26:10,768 --> 00:26:13,077 - So nobody walks up the aisle? - No. 408 00:26:13,168 --> 00:26:18,447 "I will take her down the central passageway." Not "I will take her down the aisle". 409 00:26:18,528 --> 00:26:24,160 I was taken up the apse, which is the area in between each side. 410 00:26:24,248 --> 00:26:26,887 No, the apse is the back, behind the altar is the apse. 411 00:26:26,968 --> 00:26:31,041 - It's the only rounded, apsidal. - Well at the time, you know, 412 00:26:31,128 --> 00:26:34,086 it seemed like the apse. 413 00:26:34,168 --> 00:26:36,284 Excellent. Good, good, good, good, good, good. 414 00:26:36,368 --> 00:26:39,997 Now, what flavour is the oldest known soup? 415 00:26:40,088 --> 00:26:41,601 (cannon shot) 416 00:26:41,688 --> 00:26:45,806 - Jeremy, first on the buzzer again. - Cream of plesiosaur. 417 00:26:45,888 --> 00:26:48,766 - (Stephen) What a lovely thought. - (Bill) Stone. 418 00:26:48,848 --> 00:26:50,679 (Stephen) Stone soup? No. 419 00:26:51,168 --> 00:26:53,966 That's why we are superior to all of the animal kingdom. 420 00:26:54,048 --> 00:26:56,608 - The only animal that eats soup. - We're the only animal that can make soup, 421 00:26:56,688 --> 00:27:00,601 because a lion will kill a gazelle, it eats it all, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. 422 00:27:00,688 --> 00:27:03,248 The gazelle all gone. "0h, dear, better get some more gazelles." 423 00:27:03,328 --> 00:27:05,523 But if it was us, we would kill the gazelle, 424 00:27:05,608 --> 00:27:08,964 then get the bones and make some soup there, keep it going for days, weeks perhaps. 425 00:27:09,048 --> 00:27:13,439 If lions could make soup, then our days would be numbered. 426 00:27:13,528 --> 00:27:17,567 Anyway, no, the answer is actually just plain... it's hippopotamus. 427 00:27:17,648 --> 00:27:21,926 Hippopotamus soup. Yes. Hippopotamus soup is the oldest recorded soup in human history. 428 00:27:22,008 --> 00:27:28,641 Well, now, what man-made artefacts can be seen from the moon with the naked eye? 429 00:27:28,728 --> 00:27:29,877 - (clucking) - Yes? 430 00:27:29,968 --> 00:27:32,004 - Someone said it in the audience. - What was it? 431 00:27:32,088 --> 00:27:34,648 - The Great Wall of China. - You've done it again! 432 00:27:34,728 --> 00:27:36,525 - (alarm bells) - I can't believe it! 433 00:27:36,608 --> 00:27:38,599 Surely? 434 00:27:41,128 --> 00:27:43,164 (chime) 435 00:27:43,248 --> 00:27:45,921 Which moon are we talking about? 436 00:27:50,128 --> 00:27:54,679 0h, Rich Hall, I think I love you. 437 00:27:55,928 --> 00:27:58,567 It was so damn good, you've got to have ten for that. 438 00:27:58,648 --> 00:28:02,323 The fact is nothing man-made can be seen on Earth from the moon. 439 00:28:02,408 --> 00:28:04,876 - (Alan) Too far away. - It's much, much too far away. 440 00:28:04,968 --> 00:28:07,402 Even the continents are quite difficult to make out, as a matter of fact. 441 00:28:07,488 --> 00:28:12,323 I think, gentlemen of our esteemed panel, that it is time for our final scores. 442 00:28:12,408 --> 00:28:16,037 And here they are. In first equal position, 443 00:28:16,128 --> 00:28:21,043 it's Jeremy and Rich, with 20 each. 444 00:28:21,128 --> 00:28:24,438 In third place, therefore, it is Bill with five points. 445 00:28:24,528 --> 00:28:30,125 But sadly, trailing a little this week, with minus 30 points, it's Alan. 446 00:28:30,208 --> 00:28:32,199 (applause) 447 00:28:38,328 --> 00:28:40,159 Well, thank you very much. 448 00:28:40,248 --> 00:28:45,561 It only remains for me to thank Bill, Alan, Rich and Jeremy for sharing their pain with us, 449 00:28:45,648 --> 00:28:48,082 and for me to say something quite interesting to finish with. 450 00:28:48,168 --> 00:28:53,196 And it's the tragic telling, but mercifully brief excerpt from a court report in the Guardian 451 00:28:53,288 --> 00:28:59,397 "The marriage suffered a setback in 1985, when the husband was killed by the wife." 452 00:28:59,488 --> 00:29:01,763 Good night.