1 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:26,860 (applause) 2 00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:33,972 Hello and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:36,938 the programme that's tough on boredom and the causes of boredom. 4 00:00:37,020 --> 00:00:39,614 Let's meet this evening's magistrates of mirth. 5 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:42,976 Clive Anderson, Bill Bailey, 6 00:00:43,060 --> 00:00:46,370 Meera Syal and Alan Davies. 7 00:00:49,060 --> 00:00:53,497 Now, the rules are simple, the questions are hard. The scoring is my business. 8 00:00:53,580 --> 00:00:56,378 Each of you is equipped with an electronic gavel. 9 00:00:56,460 --> 00:00:58,849 - Meera goes... - (light banging) 10 00:00:58,940 --> 00:01:02,296 - Clive goes... - (medium banging) 11 00:01:02,380 --> 00:01:05,531 - Bill goes... - (heavy banging) 12 00:01:05,620 --> 00:01:10,136 - Alan goes... - (Ping-Pong ball) 13 00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:13,656 Oh, dear. Fingers and palms on buzzers, please. 14 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:17,938 What is the longest animal in the world? 15 00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:21,413 Or which is the longest animal in the world, if you prefer? 16 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,890 - (Ping-Pong ball) - (Stephen) Alan? 17 00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:34,299 Now, the first thing that came to mind would be a really long snake, 18 00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:36,655 but I think that even the longest snake, 19 00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:40,096 it wouldn't be as long as a really really long sea animal 20 00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:42,569 like a whale, or something like that. 21 00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:46,016 - Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. - (alarm bells) 22 00:01:48,540 --> 00:01:50,770 - It's not the blue whale. - It's not the blue whale? 23 00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:52,657 No. It was too obvious an answer. 24 00:01:52,740 --> 00:01:55,698 - I hoped you wouldn't rush into it. - (heavy banging) 25 00:01:55,780 --> 00:01:57,577 Bill, Bill, Bill? 26 00:01:57,660 --> 00:02:00,538 The common or garden domestic cat. 27 00:02:03,380 --> 00:02:08,659 - It's about that long, though! - Yes. But when you stretch them out... 28 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:16,330 Have you ever held a cat up under its arms like that? It's massive. 29 00:02:16,420 --> 00:02:21,050 - But a blue whale is longer than that. - Yes, yes, but in its class, the cat... 30 00:02:21,140 --> 00:02:26,533 If you held a blue whale up, you'd have to stand on a tall building 31 00:02:26,620 --> 00:02:30,738 - and swing it for hours. - (medium banging) 32 00:02:30,820 --> 00:02:33,459 It's a tapeworm inside a blue whale. 33 00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:35,656 (laughter) 34 00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:37,651 - That's very good. - That's got to be it. 35 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,174 - Brilliant thinking, but no. - (heavy banging) 36 00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:44,299 - (Stephen) Yes? Let's forget the buzzers. - 0ff the buzzers now. 37 00:02:44,380 --> 00:02:49,659 I would hazard a guess and say the Portuguese man-of-war. 38 00:02:49,740 --> 00:02:52,857 I'll give you five points, because you're so much in the right class of animal. 39 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:56,171 - It is a jellyfish. - With long tendrils that stretch for miles. 40 00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:58,774 - Long-down long? - No, across actually. 41 00:02:58,860 --> 00:03:03,490 Are you familiar... and down, I mean, they do both, because they whip people with them. 42 00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:08,017 Are any of you familiar with a Sherlock Holmes story called The Lion's Mane? 43 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:11,251 Do you remember it? It's about a man who's seen staggering from the sea 44 00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:15,333 with this extraordinary network of weals, 45 00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:19,936 as if he'd been whipped or had a red-hot net put onto his back, 46 00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:24,730 and he gasps and as he dies he goes, "The mane, the lion's mane." 47 00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:26,970 - Just like that. That's how it's written. - Right. 48 00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:30,211 Holmes was retired by this point and is keeping bees on the Sussex Downs. 49 00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:31,289 - Was he? - Yeah. 50 00:03:31,380 --> 00:03:34,178 - He discovers... - Against their will? 51 00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:39,537 They loved it. They loved being kept by Holmes. 52 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:45,934 The Lord Chancellor under John Major was a man called Lord Mackay of Clashfern. 53 00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:48,056 - You'll remember him, as a lawyer. - Charming man. 54 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:52,531 He was a member of the Wee Frees, that particular sort of Low-Church Scottish sect. 55 00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:55,418 - (Meera) The Wee Frees? - He was thrown out, though. 56 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:58,810 - He went to a funeral of a Catholic... - He was soft on homosexuals. 57 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:02,017 No, he went to a funeral of a judge who happened to be a Catholic 58 00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:05,217 and so he wasn't allowed back in the Wee Free church. 59 00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:08,849 They don't like popery, or any smelly objects. 60 00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:10,737 But... 61 00:04:10,820 --> 00:04:13,015 Awful, awful, awful! 62 00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:15,409 Anyway, he was a... I won't say a mean man, 63 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:18,890 but he was giving a tea party for some Scottish lawyers - bread and toast, 64 00:04:18,980 --> 00:04:20,652 and this tiny pot of honey. 65 00:04:20,740 --> 00:04:25,211 And one of the lawyers said, "Ah, I see Your Lordship keeps a bee." 66 00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:28,656 Kind of amusing, but not rude enough, obviously, for this audience. 67 00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:32,335 The answer is the lion's mane jellyfish. Its main body... 68 00:04:32,420 --> 00:04:36,095 The main body or "bell" of the lion's mane is only eight feet across, 69 00:04:36,180 --> 00:04:40,537 but its tentacles are over 200 feet long, Alan. 70 00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:44,613 So you'd be going, "Get off, you bastard!" 71 00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:49,854 - (Stephen) He wouldn't be able to hear you. - Come here and try that! 72 00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:52,534 So how does it happen to be in the story? 73 00:04:52,620 --> 00:04:56,499 Had somebody scooped it out of the ocean and thrown it at him in this... 74 00:04:56,580 --> 00:05:01,017 No, it had come up... it had come up on the jet stream, as jellyfish do, 75 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:03,091 to Cornwall and to the south coast... 76 00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:07,856 Came up on the jet stream? 0ne of those aircraft? 77 00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:09,532 (Ñlive) It was something for aircraft. 78 00:05:09,620 --> 00:05:14,057 "I'm the longest animal in the world - I'm entitled to a private jet." 79 00:05:14,140 --> 00:05:17,212 "I need the extra leg room, obviously." 80 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:19,655 (makes sucking noises) 81 00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:22,698 It's steering it from the back. 82 00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:27,012 "The exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, and here." 83 00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:33,091 Excellent. Very good. And the answer, in the case of the lion's mane, is stinging. 84 00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:36,252 A sting that can occasionally be fatal. 85 00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:41,334 Occasionally fatal? How many times has it got to be fatal to matter? 86 00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:43,536 - It kills some people and not others. - I see. 87 00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:47,135 Isn't it true that to neutralise a jelly sting, you have to urinate on it? 88 00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:49,780 I believe so. Ammonia in the urine is supposed to be very good. 89 00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:51,657 (Bill) So they say. 90 00:05:51,740 --> 00:05:55,255 - I think it's just an excuse to have fun. - Another wind-up. 91 00:05:55,340 --> 00:05:58,776 - "You want to wee on that." - Another jet stream. 92 00:05:59,220 --> 00:06:03,054 Another jet stream. Very good indeed. 93 00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:06,492 So, a whale, on the other hand, is only about 106 feet long. 94 00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:08,696 I say only - it is, of course, an enormous creature, the blue whale. 95 00:06:10,660 --> 00:06:13,970 But what do you think is the largest thing that a blue whale can swallow? 96 00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:15,812 (medium banging) 97 00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:18,539 Another blue whale. 98 00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:25,297 Surely this would lead one to think you were leading us down a line of a very small thing, 99 00:06:25,380 --> 00:06:28,929 because it's so big and it'd be a very tiny thing, 100 00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:32,012 but I'd say something huge. 101 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,933 - A kebab. - Yeah, a kebab... 102 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,453 Sideways. 103 00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:40,169 Is it a conceptual question? The blue whale, a very vain animal. 104 00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:44,492 Perhaps the largest thing it has to swallow is its pride. 105 00:06:44,580 --> 00:06:46,969 Very good. Very good. 106 00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:53,618 - Or a gullible animal that swallows anything. - They're vegetarian, though, aren't they? 107 00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:58,694 - No, they're not vegetarian, no. - Well, they eat fish, but, you know. 108 00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:02,371 - Krill, in fact, is the particular... - And they sieve it through their teeth. 109 00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:05,816 They do sieve, because the little krill are very very small. 110 00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:11,691 In fact, it comes from the Dutch meaning "very small thing". Little shrimps. 111 00:07:11,780 --> 00:07:16,331 - I didn't know you did a blue whale, Alan. - I was doing a blue whale sieving its krill. 112 00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:21,892 - Do you know, I've never seen that done. - Everything right except the hands. 113 00:07:23,980 --> 00:07:26,210 - I reckon they can probably... - (Ping-Pong ball) 114 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:29,736 ...get a Ping-Pong ball down their neck. - Ping-Pong ball is right. 115 00:07:29,820 --> 00:07:32,334 - Something like an egg. - You're on the right lines. 116 00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:36,857 - (Bill) A lobster. - Nothing bigger than a grapefruit. 117 00:07:36,940 --> 00:07:39,773 They have tiny, tiny throats and they can't expand them much. 118 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:44,012 Well, they're the same size as their navels, about the size of a small side plate. 119 00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:48,969 So they could be a supermodel. That's kind of the same diet, isn't it? Except they're very fat. 120 00:07:49,060 --> 00:07:52,336 Except that they do eat three tons of krill every day. 121 00:07:52,420 --> 00:07:56,015 They have the biggest brain in the world, don't they, the most enormous... 122 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:59,570 but all they do with this huge brain is to lie in the water with their mouth open, 123 00:07:59,660 --> 00:08:02,652 sieving little bits of food, so they're not really exploiting their brains. 124 00:08:02,740 --> 00:08:07,336 They call to each other covering 10,000 miles, their voices can be heard. That's impressive. 125 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:12,050 - No, I've never heard a blue whale. - What? 0n their mobile phones? 126 00:08:12,140 --> 00:08:14,859 - Have you listened? - I... well... 127 00:08:14,940 --> 00:08:21,095 10,000 miles underwater, but six feet up to the surface, nothing. 128 00:08:22,620 --> 00:08:25,054 There's a blue whale about a mile away going, "All right, I'm only here!" 129 00:08:25,140 --> 00:08:28,849 - Whale song is very indulgent jazz. - "Shouting!" 130 00:08:28,940 --> 00:08:34,014 - (Stephen) Do you think? Free-form? - (makes whale/jazz noises) 131 00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:37,058 - I think we're being very mean on them. - (Ñlive) It's not jazz, it's blues. 132 00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:42,692 Their tongues are heavier than an elephant. Just one tongue is heavier than an elephant. 133 00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:47,729 Their hearts are about the size of the average small family van. 134 00:08:47,820 --> 00:08:50,857 - Family van? SUV. - Yes, family van, pick-up thing. 135 00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:55,855 - But when they have babies... - There's an interesting thing, their genitalia. 136 00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:57,931 (laughter) 137 00:08:58,020 --> 00:09:01,376 - Give me the length of a blue whale's penis. - (Bill) A Nissan Micra. 138 00:09:01,460 --> 00:09:06,329 - Give me the length of a blue whale's penis? - (Stephen) I know what I'm saying! 139 00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:09,218 Give it to me now. 140 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:13,737 I... To be honest, I don't think I could manage quite that much, Stephen. 141 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:16,618 Ah, you've disappointed a man. Well, a blue whale... 142 00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:20,010 That long. About that long. An arm's length. 143 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:23,137 Oh, my dear fellow, it's 16 foot long! 144 00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:27,376 - 16 foot long. - 16 foot? 145 00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:30,258 - 16 foot stroke feet. - (Bill) Flaccid? 146 00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:33,855 Flaccid or nonflaccid, it doesn't actually... they don't get erections. 147 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:37,250 Well, you wouldn't, would you? It would take a long time. 148 00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:42,095 (Stephen) 0ut of sympathy for the missus. Mrs Whale. 149 00:09:42,980 --> 00:09:46,052 "All the blood's in my cock!" 150 00:09:46,140 --> 00:09:49,496 You have to think of yourself, don't you, Alan, not of Mrs Whale. 151 00:09:49,580 --> 00:09:51,696 It's Mrs Whale I think that would suffer most. 152 00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:55,329 Well, I'm sure Mrs Whale's got an enormous vagina. 153 00:09:55,420 --> 00:10:00,016 - It's certainly big enough to take 16 feet. - Like someone's living room. 154 00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:03,857 You'd have to knock through your living room to get the car... 155 00:10:03,940 --> 00:10:05,419 (Bill) As big as a Dixons? 156 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:12,133 What would you say a blue whale's testicle contained, in terms of fluid ounces? 157 00:10:12,220 --> 00:10:15,929 I don't know, but I wouldn't like to be in the way. 158 00:10:16,020 --> 00:10:18,659 Quite. Don't give me metric. Each testicle? 159 00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:21,208 - We're talking a liquid measure? - Yes, liquid. 160 00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:24,929 - So we're talking gallons? Sort of 20 gallons. - Yeah, 20 gallons, I'd say. 161 00:10:25,020 --> 00:10:27,739 - Oh, you do exaggerate. It's seven gallons. - (Alan) Higher! 162 00:10:27,820 --> 00:10:33,816 21... It's 14 gallons, both, and if they're having an orgy it's more, if they're having a party. 163 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,494 Are they like a couple of medicine balls, then? 164 00:10:36,580 --> 00:10:38,889 The testicles only weigh 22 pounds each, 165 00:10:38,980 --> 00:10:41,653 which in human terms would be pretty pathetic. 166 00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:46,370 It would make ours weighing like a broad bean or an individual bean. 167 00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:52,570 One last question on aquatic animals. What do you think you could teach an octopus? 168 00:10:53,660 --> 00:10:56,174 - There's an octopus. - What could I teach an octopus? 169 00:10:56,260 --> 00:11:00,970 - Yeah, what can... - I've seen an octopus. I went scuba diving. 170 00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:04,769 I've seen one on a plate in a restaurant in Greece. 171 00:11:05,220 --> 00:11:08,178 - They use the ink to make risotto. - They do. 172 00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:10,820 Do you know how octopuses mate? 173 00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:14,779 - They mate with their third right arm. - (Alan) Do they? 174 00:11:14,860 --> 00:11:17,977 - We all do that. - Yeah, quite. 175 00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:26,176 Yeah, they use their third right arm to transfer the sperm to the female, 176 00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:31,618 which is handy, cos it leaves the other seven free to hold the kebab and the remote control. 177 00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:34,931 Is it right they've got a brain per tentacle, or am I making that up? 178 00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:40,652 You're not making it up. It's a matter of some debate amongst students of the octopus. 179 00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:44,176 - Oh, I'm glad to join in, then. - It doesn't have a discrete separate brain. 180 00:11:44,260 --> 00:11:48,776 But some people believe that it needs such extraordinary neural power 181 00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:52,694 in order to control the thousands of different suckers separately, which it can do, 182 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:57,092 that the sort of intelligence is located somewhere, not exactly a brain as we know it. 183 00:11:57,180 --> 00:12:00,331 But they are very bright and they can be made to recognise colours. 184 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,934 There's a trick they can be made to do, which is impressive. 185 00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:06,057 - And this is what we need to teach it? - Yeah, which it can be taught. 186 00:12:06,140 --> 00:12:10,019 - (Bill) Play the drums? Play the drums? - (Stephen) No. That would be so good. 187 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:12,250 Assemble a drum kit really quickly. 188 00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:17,209 It can unscrew... it can unscrew the lid off a bottle or some sort of container. 189 00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:20,576 And it can take up to ten seconds or an hour, depending on how tight the lid is. 190 00:12:20,660 --> 00:12:26,371 - But the odd thing about octopuses... - So it's like girls. Girls can't do that either. 191 00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:29,020 They loosen it first, as you well know. 192 00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:35,016 That's the one thing men can do now. Women can do everything else, apart from open jars. 193 00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:38,934 And once women work out how to do that, we're finished. 194 00:12:39,380 --> 00:12:41,848 Now you've got octopuses to do it, you don't need... 195 00:12:41,940 --> 00:12:43,896 (Stephen) We're doomed as a sex. 196 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:47,939 The odd thing is they don't have very good memories, so they have to learn every day. 197 00:12:48,020 --> 00:12:51,251 So scientists can teach them, but they have to teach them each time how to do it. 198 00:12:51,340 --> 00:12:54,491 They'll pick it up quickly, but the next day the same octopus will forget it. 199 00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:56,377 They've got three hearts. 200 00:12:56,460 --> 00:12:59,213 I'll give you five points cos that's quite interesting and true. 201 00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:02,656 Because if you cut one of the tentacles off, it will still reach for food. 202 00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:07,814 So you could keep it in the kitchen, take the lids off all your jars. 203 00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:09,334 - Would that work? - (Stephen) Now, next question. 204 00:13:09,420 --> 00:13:15,336 What begins with A, has six C's and no B's? Clive. 205 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,490 - Well... Is it... - (Stephen) It begins with A. 206 00:13:17,580 --> 00:13:20,731 Is it the Welsh alphabet? I'm only guessing. 207 00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:25,336 - You haven't mentioned the L's which are... - No L's, that would be the clincher. 208 00:13:25,420 --> 00:13:27,456 - No B's. - (Alan) No bees, as in bzzz. 209 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,690 No bees like that, so... 210 00:13:29,780 --> 00:13:33,693 - Is it six seas, as in the ocean? - Ah! Ah! 211 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:37,295 - Six seas. Begins with A. - 0oh! 212 00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:41,692 It's America. There are no states in America beginning with B, and then there are six C's. 213 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:46,695 There must be. California, there are two Carolinas, Connecticut. I think there are six. 214 00:13:46,780 --> 00:13:51,137 So I think I've come up with the right, though possibly also wrong, answer. 215 00:13:51,220 --> 00:13:54,656 But I'm dreadfully pleased with it. I don't care if I get any points or not. 216 00:13:54,740 --> 00:13:58,415 No. You don't get points, but you certainly get the admiration of us all. 217 00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,377 I'm not feeling the admiration... 218 00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:05,739 No, you were better at it, but on the other hand, let's turn our attention to the question. 219 00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:06,809 Antarctica. 220 00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:11,416 Brilliant. Thank you very much indeed. Is the right answer. Antarctica. Quite right. 221 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:15,618 - You were so close. - I think I'm right. I'm not accepting it. 222 00:14:16,140 --> 00:14:22,693 Ah, but that's not strictly true, is it, because, of course, you have the Antarctican ice bee. 223 00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:25,578 If you did, then the question would be meaningless. 224 00:14:25,660 --> 00:14:26,490 Yes. 225 00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:30,653 I wouldn't put it beyond you to go now to Antarctica with a bee in a matchbox 226 00:14:30,740 --> 00:14:34,494 and photograph it, just so you could get a point. 227 00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:38,090 You see? 228 00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:42,890 You worked out the thrust of the question - bees, as in buzz, buzz, and seas, as in oceans. 229 00:14:42,980 --> 00:14:46,529 It is bordered by the Ross Sea, Davis Sea, Weddell Sea, Bellingshausen Sea, 230 00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:48,417 Lazarev Sea and the Amundsen Sea, 231 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:55,212 but not one little member of the 92,000 hymenopteran bees and wasps exists 232 00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:58,212 - or has its being in Antarctica. - (Alan) The what bees? 233 00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,814 - They form part of the group Hymenoptera. - "Hymen"? 234 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,379 It means "wedding" in Greek, 235 00:15:02,460 --> 00:15:06,135 and there was a myth about the bees officiating at the wedding of Zeus, 236 00:15:06,220 --> 00:15:10,452 which I told you about a few weeks ago, and I remember you being very bored by it then. 237 00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:12,849 I'm disappointed that you haven't remembered. 238 00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:15,693 The bees in charge of a wedding? 239 00:15:15,780 --> 00:15:17,452 They catered for the wedding. 240 00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:20,657 - What? Mainly honey-based cakes? - They came up with honey. 241 00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:23,129 They invented honey specifically for him. 242 00:15:23,860 --> 00:15:25,293 Now, let's shake the snow off our slippers 243 00:15:25,380 --> 00:15:29,453 and address ourselves to the rather Clivey subject of Andersons. 244 00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:33,215 According to the website AmlAnnoying. Com, 245 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:39,409 Clive Anderson is 17% less annoying than the continent of Antarctica. 246 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:41,411 Andersons are quite common - 247 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:45,459 it's the 13th commonest surname in the English-speaking world. 248 00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:48,213 But are they quite interesting? Let's start with an easy one. 249 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:50,131 Alan, who's the odd one out, 250 00:15:50,220 --> 00:15:51,972 - Clive Anderson... - (Alan) Yes. 251 00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:56,815 ...Pamela Anderson, Gillian Anderson or Hans Christian Andersen? 252 00:15:56,900 --> 00:16:02,657 You see, now, Clive hasn't done any topless modelling... 253 00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:06,813 Well, I'm sorry to... I'm sorry to stop you right there. 254 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:11,530 When was this picture taken? I appear to have exactly the same shirt on there. 255 00:16:12,860 --> 00:16:14,930 Years ago I had the same shirt. 256 00:16:15,020 --> 00:16:20,174 Now, Hans Christian Andersen, the Danish writer of children's stories. 257 00:16:20,260 --> 00:16:22,854 Gillian Anderson, actor, she's English. 258 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:26,137 - Pamela Anderson isn't. - Is she? The one who's in X Files? 259 00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:27,812 Born in London, yes. 260 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:32,690 She was the only one whose wedding bees catered at. 261 00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:35,578 You always get an odd person out. Anyone can be an odd person out. 262 00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:39,130 Rem acu tetigisti, you've hit the nail on the head. 263 00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:43,577 Hans Christian is the odd one out because he's dead, and none of the rest of us are. 264 00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:45,890 And he spells "Andersen" with an e instead of an o. 265 00:16:45,980 --> 00:16:50,451 He spells it like Arthur Andersen, but he doesn't boast about that any more. 266 00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:53,816 Pamela is the only one who videoed her honeymoon, so she's the odd person out. 267 00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:57,370 I'm the odd one out because I'm here, and Gillian Anderson, bear with me on this, 268 00:16:57,460 --> 00:17:00,497 is the odd one out because she's the only one who isn't an odd one out. 269 00:17:00,580 --> 00:17:03,811 - Pamela Anderson's the odd one out. - Why? For why? Tell me. 270 00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:07,256 Because she has... sunglasses on. 271 00:17:07,340 --> 00:17:09,615 Big tits. 272 00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:11,736 Go on, say it. You know you want to. 273 00:17:11,820 --> 00:17:15,972 No? All right. Sorry, it's just me. I don't even like big tits. 274 00:17:16,060 --> 00:17:19,973 I was not going to say she's the odd one out cos she's got big tits. 275 00:17:20,620 --> 00:17:23,214 - No, let me... - She's American. 276 00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:25,018 (Ñlive) Canadian. 277 00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:29,218 Hans Christian is the only one without a range of swimwear. 278 00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:32,258 Help us out here, Clive. 279 00:17:32,340 --> 00:17:35,935 Yes, my range of swimwear hasn't really gone down terribly well. 280 00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:39,933 I cater... they're largely aimed at the blue-whale market. 281 00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:43,933 - I can't explain why, for the moment, but... - Boasting. 282 00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:48,969 - Vegetarian? Are you vegetarian? - I'm not vegetarian, no. 283 00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:51,938 - So, clearly, they all are. - (Meera) Everyone else is. 284 00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:54,329 They're vegetarian. The other three are vegetarians. 285 00:17:54,420 --> 00:17:57,492 Although, in the case of Andersen, obviously, Christian Hans... 286 00:17:57,580 --> 00:18:00,378 Pamela Anderson never eats meat, are you saying? 287 00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:04,931 - Now... - I'm just checking the facts here. 288 00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:09,536 Bill, what was the unforgettable achievement of John Henry Anderson, 289 00:18:09,620 --> 00:18:11,770 the Great Wizard of the North? 290 00:18:11,860 --> 00:18:14,328 - John Henry Anderson? - (Stephen) Yeah. 291 00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:18,254 - Known as the Great Wizard of the North? - (Stephen) Yes. 292 00:18:18,340 --> 00:18:21,730 Why do you look at me as if you think I might know that? 293 00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:25,733 The Great Wizard of the North. Well, I suppose it could be wizard, wizardry, 294 00:18:25,820 --> 00:18:30,655 as in some sort of Ku Klux Klan grand-wizardry sort of thing, 295 00:18:30,740 --> 00:18:35,336 but then they were grand wizards, weren't they, rather than great wizards. 296 00:18:35,420 --> 00:18:39,015 - Was he a Freemason? - No. To be honest, I don't know. 297 00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:42,536 I don't know his cock length, I don't know his hair colour. I'm sorry. 298 00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:46,135 - So he hasn't met you. - Is he alive or dead? 299 00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:48,973 - Animal, vegetable or mineral? - He's well dead. 18th century. 300 00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:54,737 Wizard, like a sporting wizard? A spin bowler, or perhaps a very very good putter of the ball. 301 00:18:54,820 --> 00:18:55,809 (Stephen) No. 302 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:58,209 Turning princes into frogs, frogs into princes? 303 00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:00,530 That sort of thing, in the way normal people do. 304 00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:03,259 - A conjurer. - A conjurer, that's right. 305 00:19:03,340 --> 00:19:06,298 And he did the first of a very famous trick, that's really it. 306 00:19:06,380 --> 00:19:08,257 - Saw the lady in half? - No. 307 00:19:08,340 --> 00:19:10,251 - (Bill) The hat, the rabbit. - Yes. 308 00:19:10,340 --> 00:19:14,731 He was the first person to pull a rabbit out of a hat, so there you are. 309 00:19:16,340 --> 00:19:19,855 Very impressive. He was the finest magician ever to come out of Scotland. 310 00:19:19,940 --> 00:19:24,092 He was legendary throughout 19th-century Europe. He was born in the 18th century. 311 00:19:24,180 --> 00:19:27,252 His inexhaustible bottle was extremely popular, 312 00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,570 which produced any drink requested by the audience. 313 00:19:29,660 --> 00:19:34,131 And the gun trick, in which he seemingly was able to catch a bullet fired from a musket. 314 00:19:34,220 --> 00:19:38,213 He advertised himself by leaving pats of butter around hotels 315 00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:41,690 reading, "Anderson is here" - a little stamp that he had. 316 00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:44,248 - I've tried that as well. - Did it work? 317 00:19:44,340 --> 00:19:50,449 So you're providing both the announcement of your arrival and the lubricant in one happy go. 318 00:19:50,540 --> 00:19:53,850 Now, Meera. Meera, Meera, Meera on the panel. 319 00:19:53,940 --> 00:20:00,652 What did Hans Christian Andersen have in common with Joseph Stalin, very specifically? 320 00:20:00,740 --> 00:20:03,573 I know bits about Hans Christian Andersen. He was a weird fellow. 321 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:06,379 - He was well weird. - A very weird fellow. 322 00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:10,897 - He was an agoraphobic. - Correct. Two points for knowing that. 323 00:20:10,980 --> 00:20:14,734 And apparently The Ugly Duckling is a great gay parable, because he was gay. 324 00:20:14,820 --> 00:20:18,096 He was well gay, yes. Yes, he was well, well gay. 325 00:20:18,180 --> 00:20:21,570 - Well gay. - Well, a big, big butter user. 326 00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:29,257 Nobody knows the original ending, when the duckling goes off to do musical theatre, 327 00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:31,217 but it's clearly a gay parable. 328 00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:35,293 And he worked in ballet. He was just slightly too clumsy and big to be in ballet, 329 00:20:35,380 --> 00:20:41,569 but he adored the ballet, which not in itself is a sign of being gay, though, let's face it, it is. 330 00:20:41,660 --> 00:20:45,414 He fell in love with the son of a friend, who married, 331 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:51,496 and his body was actually buried with this boy he fell in love with and this boy's wife, 332 00:20:51,580 --> 00:20:57,769 until the family decided it was a bit of a stain to have this threesome in the grave forever. 333 00:20:57,860 --> 00:21:00,738 - This grave is a bit crowded. - Yes, so they were removed. 334 00:21:00,820 --> 00:21:04,779 But he was a sad figure. It says on my card he was a friend of Dickens. 335 00:21:04,860 --> 00:21:07,454 It's not quite true, because... 336 00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:12,409 - "Friend of Dickens", is that a euphemism? - "Friend of Dickens." That's enough of that. 337 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:15,219 Dickens got tired of him. He stayed at his house and wouldn't go. 338 00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,894 "I'm exhausted, Hans. Will you leave?" 339 00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:22,053 - "And take your butter with you." - (Stephen) "Hans, off." 340 00:21:23,140 --> 00:21:27,816 It's where the phrase "hands off" comes from. And also "What the dickens?" 341 00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:30,130 Well, no, it's a very peculiar thing he had. 342 00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:33,212 They were both the offspring of a cobbler and a washerwoman. 343 00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:36,531 - The same one? - (Stephen) No, dear. 344 00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:39,612 Then they would be brothers, wouldn't they? 345 00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:41,975 Well, we're trying to get a link between them. 346 00:21:42,060 --> 00:21:44,893 As Meera said, for a very very well-designed ten points, 347 00:21:44,980 --> 00:21:49,496 Andersen survived to become a tall, gangling, gay, vegetarian writer of fairy tales, 348 00:21:49,580 --> 00:21:54,415 who suffered from dyslexia, agoraphobia and the fear of either being burned or buried alive. 349 00:21:54,500 --> 00:21:59,813 But some 128 years after his death, the discriminating voters on AmlAnnoying. Com 350 00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:04,496 still rate the tortured Hans as less annoying than his cuddly namesake Clive. 351 00:22:08,940 --> 00:22:13,695 Now, finally, to a magnificently magisterial morass of memory loss, 352 00:22:13,780 --> 00:22:17,773 as I remind you that general ignorance of the law, or anything else, is no excuse. 353 00:22:17,860 --> 00:22:21,694 Fingers on buzzers, please. What did Atlas carry on his shoulders? 354 00:22:21,780 --> 00:22:23,577 - (Ping-Pong ball) - Yes? 355 00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:25,855 - The Earth, the globe. - Oh, Alan. 356 00:22:25,940 --> 00:22:29,057 - (alarm bells) - Why, why, why do you always do this? 357 00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:32,212 No, in Greek myth Atlas, who was one of the Titans 358 00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:34,814 who rebelled against Zeus, the king of the gods, 359 00:22:34,900 --> 00:22:39,212 was punished by Zeus by being made to carry the sky, the heavens. 360 00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:42,610 But he is often shown holding the globe, 361 00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:47,495 most famously on the cover of a collection of maps by the Flemish cartographer Mercator. 362 00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:50,856 The volume became known as Mercator's Atlas. 363 00:22:50,940 --> 00:22:53,135 The name stuck, and the image of holding up the Earth. 364 00:22:53,220 --> 00:22:56,018 I've always seen pictures of him with the Earth. 365 00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:59,172 As child I thought "Where are his hands on the Earth"? 366 00:22:59,260 --> 00:23:01,649 You could go and find his hands. 367 00:23:02,580 --> 00:23:06,016 So, what provides more than 50% of the Earth's oxygen? 368 00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:08,375 - (Ping-Pong ball) - It's Alan in there first. 369 00:23:08,460 --> 00:23:10,337 - Trees, greenery. - (alarm bells) 370 00:23:10,420 --> 00:23:14,208 0h, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan! 0h, dear, oh, dear. 371 00:23:15,420 --> 00:23:16,250 Every time, headlong. 372 00:23:16,340 --> 00:23:19,173 Is it not? They eat carbon dioxide. 373 00:23:19,260 --> 00:23:21,410 (Stephen) They provide oxygen, but not 50%. 374 00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:22,899 (medium banging) 375 00:23:22,980 --> 00:23:27,496 I think it's the British Oxygen Company. They've cornered the market. 376 00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:29,457 (Alan) The oceans. The oceans. 377 00:23:29,540 --> 00:23:31,656 - The plankton stuff. - Sort of plankton, it's like... 378 00:23:31,740 --> 00:23:33,219 - (Bill) Worms. - (Stephen) Algae. 379 00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:34,449 Algae. 380 00:23:34,540 --> 00:23:36,974 (Stephen) Which is a kind of plankton. Absolutely right. 381 00:23:37,060 --> 00:23:41,178 Yes, these single-cell plants live across the surface of the Earth's oceans 382 00:23:41,260 --> 00:23:45,333 and generate far more oxygen than trees give us. 383 00:23:45,420 --> 00:23:48,378 Some scientists say as much as 90% of the Earth's oxygen. 384 00:23:48,460 --> 00:23:51,736 - I've got it in my pond. I get rid of it. - (Stephen) No! 385 00:23:51,820 --> 00:23:54,653 Think how many people you'll kill by doing that. 386 00:23:54,740 --> 00:23:59,734 You might just as well go round with a pillow and clamp them to old ladies' faces. 387 00:23:59,820 --> 00:24:01,936 You bastard! 388 00:24:02,020 --> 00:24:04,659 - Unbelievable! - (Bill) Killer! 389 00:24:04,740 --> 00:24:08,699 Mature trees, by comparison, actually use more oxygen than they produce. 390 00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:12,693 - Where is the driest place on Earth? - (Ping-Pong ball) 391 00:24:12,780 --> 00:24:14,532 - Yes? - The Sahara Desert. 392 00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:18,898 - (alarm bells) - (Stephen) 0h, my God! Unbelievable! 393 00:24:21,340 --> 00:24:25,891 Minus 20 points for the Sahara Desert. Bless you, Alan, no. Yes? 394 00:24:25,980 --> 00:24:30,735 It's a couple of counties in North Wales. Especially on a Sunday, you can't get a thing. 395 00:24:30,820 --> 00:24:34,495 - You cannot get a drink, no. Not there. - (Alan) Australia? 396 00:24:34,580 --> 00:24:37,458 No, not Australia. You didn't say the Atacama Desert. 397 00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:40,577 It hasn't rained in Chile in the Atacama Desert for 400 years, 398 00:24:40,660 --> 00:24:42,537 but there is a place drier than that. 399 00:24:42,620 --> 00:24:45,930 - The moon. - No, on Earth. 400 00:24:47,980 --> 00:24:52,576 You'll be right one day, when that moon comes crashing down. "I was right all along." 401 00:24:52,660 --> 00:24:55,777 - That moon, that's dry... - (Stephen) It's so dry. 402 00:24:55,860 --> 00:24:57,293 Cor, it's dry. 403 00:24:57,380 --> 00:25:00,850 - It's called the Dry Valleys region. - (Bill) The Dorito. 404 00:25:00,940 --> 00:25:04,171 The Dry Valleys region, and the continent has come up in... 405 00:25:04,260 --> 00:25:06,137 - (Alan) America. - (Ñlive) Australia. 406 00:25:06,220 --> 00:25:07,733 - (Bill) Pringle. - (Meera) Africa. 407 00:25:07,820 --> 00:25:08,809 Antarctica. 408 00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:11,460 - Antarctica, thank you very much indeed. - Antarctica? 409 00:25:11,540 --> 00:25:13,895 - Yes, isn't that surprising? - Really? 410 00:25:13,980 --> 00:25:16,289 Well, I'd like to give you ten marks for that. 411 00:25:16,380 --> 00:25:19,292 Thank you, and it is quite interesting, yes. Thank you so much. 412 00:25:19,380 --> 00:25:23,214 How can that be dry, because that's snow there and snow is just water? 413 00:25:23,300 --> 00:25:28,499 List and I will tell you. The fact is the average annual rainfall is less than two inches. 414 00:25:28,580 --> 00:25:30,696 It's about the same as the Sahara, 415 00:25:30,780 --> 00:25:34,090 but it contains coastal valleys known as the Dry Valleys, in Antarctica, 416 00:25:34,180 --> 00:25:39,129 that are free from ice and snow, which haven't seen rain for two million years. 417 00:25:39,220 --> 00:25:42,417 So it's a long way clear of its closest contender, the Atacama, 418 00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,855 parts of which haven't recorded rain for a mere 400 years. 419 00:25:44,940 --> 00:25:48,535 The Sahara is lush by comparison, Alan, lush. 420 00:25:48,620 --> 00:25:52,169 "Lush" is often shouted at you, I know. I'm going to shout it again. 421 00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:57,380 Has there been one of those rain-catching things there for two million years? 422 00:25:57,460 --> 00:25:59,928 And Michael Fish going checking it every couple of millennia. 423 00:26:00,020 --> 00:26:01,009 "Nothing!" 424 00:26:01,100 --> 00:26:03,853 They have ways of putting little cores into the Earth, to check. 425 00:26:03,940 --> 00:26:08,297 It gets 250 times as much rain as the Atacama, actually, the Sahara. 426 00:26:08,380 --> 00:26:13,010 As well as the driest, Antarctica is, of course, not only the coldest place on Earth, 427 00:26:13,100 --> 00:26:17,059 it also lays claim to being both the wettest and the windiest too. 428 00:26:17,140 --> 00:26:20,132 70% of the world's water is found there in the form of ice, 429 00:26:20,220 --> 00:26:24,691 and its wind speeds are the fastest ever recorded on Earth, about 200 miles per hour. 430 00:26:26,220 --> 00:26:28,051 Now, how long, team, how long is a day? 431 00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:30,210 - (Ping-Pong ball) - Yes? 432 00:26:30,300 --> 00:26:32,860 No! 433 00:26:33,660 --> 00:26:36,777 - Don't do it, Alan! - Don't say it. 434 00:26:36,860 --> 00:26:40,296 - Slightly... - There's no B's in a day. 435 00:26:40,380 --> 00:26:43,258 ...less or more than 24 hours. 436 00:26:43,340 --> 00:26:45,900 Correct! Correct. 437 00:26:45,980 --> 00:26:49,256 It is absolutely spot on. 438 00:26:49,340 --> 00:26:51,570 15 points. 439 00:26:52,660 --> 00:26:55,811 The day, as in a single rotation of the Earth about its axis, 440 00:26:55,900 --> 00:26:58,095 is never exactly 24 hours long. 441 00:26:58,180 --> 00:26:59,898 - Of course not. - It varies every day. 442 00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:03,529 Astonishingly, it can be as much as a whole 50 seconds longer 443 00:27:03,620 --> 00:27:07,499 or, as you rightly and eruditely said, shorter, depending on the season. 444 00:27:07,580 --> 00:27:11,255 Even averaged across a year, a day is still not quite 24 hours, 445 00:27:11,340 --> 00:27:12,898 as measured on an atomic clock. 446 00:27:12,980 --> 00:27:15,733 The moon, again, it's the gravitational pull of the moon 447 00:27:15,820 --> 00:27:18,380 which alters the Earth's rotational axis. 448 00:27:18,460 --> 00:27:23,329 So what happens is that time is added on and goes out of sync with the atomic clock. 449 00:27:24,620 --> 00:27:25,735 So the International Earth Rotation Service 450 00:27:25,820 --> 00:27:28,937 has to actually dictate when seconds are added to time. 451 00:27:29,020 --> 00:27:32,729 There is indeed a leap second. Exactly right. It's called the leap second. 452 00:27:32,820 --> 00:27:38,099 I'll give you five points for actually knowing what you're talking about. Very good indeed. 453 00:27:38,180 --> 00:27:41,013 (coughs) 454 00:27:41,540 --> 00:27:45,499 Now, let's have a look, if we may, now, at the - oh, dear me - scores. 455 00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:50,370 - I haven't got any points. - Shush your mouth for once, please, Clive! 456 00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:56,251 All right. Let's start, sadly, at the bottom. With minus 20 it's Alan Davies. 457 00:27:56,340 --> 00:27:58,729 - (all) Ah. - (applause) 458 00:28:01,340 --> 00:28:07,449 - Thank you very much. - In third place, with ten points, Bill Bailey. 459 00:28:07,540 --> 00:28:11,294 - All right. - In second place, with 19 points, 460 00:28:11,380 --> 00:28:14,531 it's Meera Syal. 461 00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:18,898 So, Mr "I have no points" Clive Anderson, 462 00:28:18,980 --> 00:28:23,895 Anderson is the winner with 26 QI points. 463 00:28:31,140 --> 00:28:36,260 That's it from QI for this week. Thank you very much indeed to Meera, Clive, Bill and Alan. 464 00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:39,252 In an evening when we've discovered that deserts can be made of ice 465 00:28:39,340 --> 00:28:41,808 and that Andersons are by no means always annoying, 466 00:28:41,900 --> 00:28:45,449 I ask you to give your verdict on this thought of Rita Mae Brown's: 467 00:28:45,540 --> 00:28:49,692 "If the world were a logical place, then men would ride side-saddle." 468 00:28:49,780 --> 00:28:52,089 I don't know what that means either. Good night.