1 00:00:23,794 --> 00:00:26,183 (applause) 2 00:00:32,394 --> 00:00:37,787 Well, hello, and welcome to QI, the world's most impossible quiz 3 00:00:37,874 --> 00:00:41,071 and the nearest modern equivalent to lions versus Christians. 4 00:00:41,154 --> 00:00:44,703 - Let's meet my lunch. Alan Davies. - (applause) 5 00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:46,830 Rob Brydon. 6 00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,552 Rich Hall. 7 00:00:48,634 --> 00:00:50,864 And Gyles Brandreth. 8 00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:57,313 The rules are simple. As I don't really expect anyone to get any of the answers right, 9 00:00:57,327 --> 00:01:02,481 I award points for being interesting and penalties, usually, if history is any guide, 10 00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:07,277 to Alan, for being obvious, in which event, I also humiliate him like this. 11 00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:10,040 (alarm bells) 12 00:01:11,527 --> 00:01:13,802 - How rude. - And take away ten points. 13 00:01:13,887 --> 00:01:18,199 Each member of the team is able to draw attention to themselves by making a noise. 14 00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:20,847 - Rich goes... - (foghorn) 15 00:01:20,927 --> 00:01:24,044 - Gyles goes... - (party blower) 16 00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:27,119 - Rob goes... - (patriotic music) 17 00:01:29,687 --> 00:01:32,406 - And Alan goes... - (alarm bells) 18 00:01:35,927 --> 00:01:39,602 Minus ten to Alan already, before we've even begun our first round. 19 00:01:39,687 --> 00:01:42,281 And our first round is all about advertising. 20 00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:46,883 "The superior man", says Confucius, "understands what is right." 21 00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:50,437 "The inferior man understands what will sell." 22 00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:54,566 If so, it must be said that there are very few inferior men in advertising, 23 00:01:54,647 --> 00:01:58,845 because almost no one in the industry has the faintest idea what will sell. 24 00:01:58,927 --> 00:02:01,157 For example, team... 25 00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:04,922 What was the disastrous mistake made by Gerber Foods 26 00:02:05,007 --> 00:02:09,125 when they started advertising baby food in Africa? 27 00:02:09,207 --> 00:02:11,960 "You're never alone with a Strand." 28 00:02:12,047 --> 00:02:15,437 Yes. That's a reference to a very famous disastrous campaign, isn't it? 29 00:02:15,527 --> 00:02:18,724 - Would you like to elucidate? - Strand cigarettes. 30 00:02:18,807 --> 00:02:21,685 And this guy was alone at night, smoking a cigarette. 31 00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:24,998 And he looked a bit kind of cool and sophisticated and Third Mannish. 32 00:02:25,087 --> 00:02:27,282 They thought that was an image people would aspire to. 33 00:02:27,367 --> 00:02:29,164 It said, "You're never alone with a Strand." 34 00:02:29,247 --> 00:02:32,523 But it made it look like it was for really lonely old bastards. 35 00:02:32,607 --> 00:02:36,646 - (Rich) Hitler smoked. - Hitler smoked? He hated smoking. 36 00:02:36,727 --> 00:02:38,558 - Oh, so he didn't smoke? - No, he didn't. 37 00:02:38,647 --> 00:02:40,956 - (Gyles) And he was a vegetarian. - Vegetarian? 38 00:02:41,047 --> 00:02:42,400 Queen Victoria smoked. 39 00:02:42,487 --> 00:02:45,126 Did she? Well, you've got to have two points for that. That's interesting. 40 00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:47,596 There is indeed a photograph of Queen Victoria smoking. 41 00:02:47,687 --> 00:02:49,917 She always smoked when she was up in the Highlands 42 00:02:50,007 --> 00:02:52,475 to keep the midges away during picnics. 43 00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:55,559 - Oh, well, that's awfully good. - There is a positive aspect to smoking. 44 00:02:55,647 --> 00:02:58,366 - It keeps midges away. - (Alan) It keeps the midges away. 45 00:02:58,447 --> 00:03:00,438 And keeps Hitler away. 46 00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:04,045 You can't really do better than a cigarette when you come down to it, can you? 47 00:03:04,127 --> 00:03:07,802 Midges are more irritating, but in the long-term, 48 00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:10,640 I'd rather keep the Nazis out of the Highlands. 49 00:03:10,727 --> 00:03:14,083 - (Stephen) Absolutely. - (patriotic music) 50 00:03:14,647 --> 00:03:18,879 - I think you may have a question, Rob. - No, I just like the tune. 51 00:03:18,967 --> 00:03:22,039 Yeah, my answer to the original question about the advertising... 52 00:03:22,127 --> 00:03:23,958 - Gerber Foods, yeah. - Gerber Foods. 53 00:03:24,047 --> 00:03:28,996 Is it that they had a very poor, shoddy translator, 54 00:03:29,087 --> 00:03:33,524 and the advert gave the impression you were buying baby food? 55 00:03:33,607 --> 00:03:37,759 - Oddly enough... - (Alan) Made from babies. 56 00:03:37,847 --> 00:03:40,077 No, you're sort of halfway to being right. It's simply... 57 00:03:40,167 --> 00:03:42,522 I'll tell you the answer. It's quite intriguing and bizarre. 58 00:03:42,607 --> 00:03:46,759 It's that they used the same packaging as they used in the United States and in Europe, 59 00:03:46,847 --> 00:03:50,123 which has a cute photo, like the one behind me, of a tiny baby on the jar. 60 00:03:50,207 --> 00:03:53,517 Unfortunately, in Africa most people are unable to read, 61 00:03:53,607 --> 00:03:59,000 and therefore packaging always represents what's inside the jar. 62 00:03:59,087 --> 00:04:04,002 The pictures always represent what's inside, so they assumed that the jars were of babies. 63 00:04:04,087 --> 00:04:05,486 - So I'm right. - (party blower) 64 00:04:05,567 --> 00:04:09,082 So you're right, but for the wrong reasons, for which you get three points, Rob. 65 00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:12,284 - Can I make a little supplementary point? - I'd love you to do that. 66 00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:16,645 Because I happen to know quite a bit about the Jerber, or Gerber, family, 67 00:04:16,727 --> 00:04:18,365 for reasons I can go into. 68 00:04:18,447 --> 00:04:20,802 - Is it Jerber or Gerber? - It is Jerber. 69 00:04:20,887 --> 00:04:24,084 What's interesting about the tins, the cans, 70 00:04:24,167 --> 00:04:26,727 is one of the reasons they didn't go down at all well in Africa 71 00:04:26,807 --> 00:04:29,879 is that a lot of people in Africa are black. 72 00:04:29,967 --> 00:04:33,403 - And on the... - No! 73 00:04:33,487 --> 00:04:38,322 - I know, I'm just breaking you in gently. - That is quite interesting. 74 00:04:38,407 --> 00:04:39,965 (Stephen) Good. 75 00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:44,723 Picture these cans. We're selling baby food to people in Africa. 76 00:04:44,807 --> 00:04:48,117 First thing is that people think what's inside is going to be children. 77 00:04:48,207 --> 00:04:50,926 And secondly, those that think it is for children think: 78 00:04:51,007 --> 00:04:54,283 "Well, this does not look very like any of the children I know," 79 00:04:54,367 --> 00:04:59,316 because it is a perfectly charming white child from Texas. 80 00:04:59,407 --> 00:05:02,319 And I can tell you, for a further point, who the white child was. 81 00:05:02,407 --> 00:05:05,080 - Oh, please do. A Gerber? - No, she was not. 82 00:05:05,167 --> 00:05:09,365 She was called Ann Turner Cook, the photograph was taken in 1931, 83 00:05:09,447 --> 00:05:14,237 and up until the end of the Second World War, was the most prolific romantic novelist 84 00:05:14,327 --> 00:05:18,479 - working in the United States of America. - I'm sorry, that's ten points. 85 00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:20,762 That's fantastic. 86 00:05:23,007 --> 00:05:27,000 My great-great-grandfather, who was a man called Dr Benjamin Brandreth, 87 00:05:27,087 --> 00:05:30,238 was a friend of the original Dr Gerber. 88 00:05:30,327 --> 00:05:36,038 They were pioneers of advertising in the United States of America. 89 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:40,200 And so, unfortunately, I do know a lot about this. 90 00:05:40,287 --> 00:05:43,723 The firm originally was not in food at all. 91 00:05:43,807 --> 00:05:46,037 They were in the business of tanning. 92 00:05:46,127 --> 00:05:49,403 And unfortunately, tanning just fell from favour. 93 00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:55,078 (Stephen) Now, Rich. 94 00:06:02,367 --> 00:06:04,437 - Go on, I'm sorry. - (Gyles quacks) 95 00:06:05,687 --> 00:06:10,715 Apparently, during the recent war in the Gulf, 96 00:06:10,807 --> 00:06:13,640 the Iraqi Republican Guard were told 97 00:06:13,727 --> 00:06:17,879 that in order to become a US Marine, you had to eat a baby. 98 00:06:17,967 --> 00:06:19,685 Wow! That's shocking! 99 00:06:19,767 --> 00:06:22,201 I may institute a new rule, Alan, 100 00:06:22,287 --> 00:06:25,085 that anybody who starts off any piece of information 101 00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:30,036 with the words "apparently, comma" may well lose ten points. 102 00:06:30,127 --> 00:06:32,721 Well, I only say apparently because I heard it on Fox News. 103 00:06:32,807 --> 00:06:35,116 (Stephen) Yeah, that's not good enough for us. 104 00:06:35,207 --> 00:06:39,758 - I wasn't at a Republican Guard briefing. - Having grown up as a childhood friend 105 00:06:41,247 --> 00:06:42,999 of the family that founded the United States Army, for example, 106 00:06:43,087 --> 00:06:45,442 like Gyles grew up with the Gerber family... 107 00:06:45,527 --> 00:06:50,726 My great-grandfather was in the original Republican Guard. 108 00:06:53,407 --> 00:06:56,285 Could I just say something about the Ferris wheel? 109 00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:59,404 This is an interesting fact. I know a few things. 110 00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:04,561 The Ferris wheel was originally designed as a mode of transportation. 111 00:07:09,127 --> 00:07:10,958 (Alan) From A to A. 112 00:07:11,047 --> 00:07:16,963 In its maiden voyage from St Louis to Kansas City at the World Exhibition in 1898, 113 00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:19,845 it went off track and crushed a lot of people. 114 00:07:19,927 --> 00:07:23,078 And that's when the guy Ferris, John Compton Ferris, 115 00:07:23,167 --> 00:07:27,558 decided that it would be better if it didn't move. 116 00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:31,083 And the lesson there is if you have an idea that goes nowhere, 117 00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:33,601 maybe it's not supposed to. 118 00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:37,475 That's very true. That's very wise. Do you want to pitch your story? 119 00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:40,445 I'll come back to that during the course of the next couple of hours. 120 00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:43,917 But if I could just throw in something about the Ferris wheel, 121 00:07:44,007 --> 00:07:48,239 that is in fact a picture of the London Eye. And what is intriguing about the London Eye, 122 00:07:48,327 --> 00:07:50,443 is that the principal architect 123 00:07:50,527 --> 00:07:57,126 is a man who shares the same birthday as Gustave Eiffel, who created the Eiffel Tower. 124 00:07:57,207 --> 00:07:59,926 Oh, I say, I'm tempted to give you two points for that, because it's true. 125 00:08:00,007 --> 00:08:04,205 It's true and it's quite interesting in terms of, you know... 126 00:08:04,287 --> 00:08:08,917 This one is known as the Millennium Eye, also. It was sponsored by British Airways. 127 00:08:09,007 --> 00:08:12,636 - It was supposed to open on Millennium Eve. - And you find this on the South Bank, 128 00:08:12,727 --> 00:08:17,482 in London, on the banks of the Thames, which is the river that flows through London. 129 00:08:17,567 --> 00:08:22,641 You can go up as far as Oxford. You can go right out the other way to sea. 130 00:08:22,727 --> 00:08:27,562 And it's down near the old GLC and from it you can see Parliament. 131 00:08:29,207 --> 00:08:32,836 I am going to call an official end to question one. 132 00:08:36,487 --> 00:08:40,082 Now, what is it that the French find hilarious 133 00:08:40,167 --> 00:08:43,557 about advertisements for the Toyota MR2? 134 00:08:43,647 --> 00:08:46,684 - Anybody have an idea about that? - (party blower) 135 00:08:46,767 --> 00:08:48,564 Yes, Gyles. 136 00:08:48,647 --> 00:08:51,923 Do we get a penalty if we give you the obvious answer? We do, don't we? 137 00:08:52,007 --> 00:08:55,397 - I don't know what that might be. - The obvious answer is that MR2, 138 00:08:55,487 --> 00:09:00,117 if you say it in French, is "em er deux', which means that the car is shit. 139 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:06,282 You're quite, quite right. It's the obvious answer and it's the true answer in this case. 140 00:09:07,407 --> 00:09:11,798 - Merde. - (Stephen) Merde. You're quite right. 141 00:09:11,887 --> 00:09:15,197 Isn't it interesting that the Eiffel Tower has now appeared, and you know Gustave Eiffel 142 00:09:15,287 --> 00:09:18,597 happens to share a birthday with the man... 143 00:09:19,687 --> 00:09:23,726 It's also remarkable how you can cheer a child up 144 00:09:23,807 --> 00:09:28,039 once you get all the spaghetti out of its hair. 145 00:09:28,127 --> 00:09:30,038 Absolutely. Yeah, it does. 146 00:09:30,127 --> 00:09:33,961 It's "em er deux' which sounds exactly like the French word merde. 147 00:09:34,047 --> 00:09:36,515 If you don't want to look a total prat in your car abroad, 148 00:09:36,607 --> 00:09:40,441 it's also not a good idea to drive a Ford Pinto in Brazil, 149 00:09:40,527 --> 00:09:43,439 where "pinto" is the slang for tiny male genitals. 150 00:09:43,527 --> 00:09:47,839 I was going to guess that. It's a brilliant slang for a tiny penis. 151 00:09:47,927 --> 00:09:50,760 - Pinto. - Pinto in the shower. 152 00:09:51,687 --> 00:09:55,726 What was the unforgettable slogan that the Irish playwright Brendan Behan devised 153 00:09:55,807 --> 00:09:59,243 - to advertise Guinness? - "It's good for you." 154 00:09:59,327 --> 00:10:01,716 - (alarm bells) - (Stephen) Oh, dear! Oh, dear! 155 00:10:04,087 --> 00:10:09,798 Oh, obvious and wrong. I'm sorry about that. Minus ten to Alan. 156 00:10:09,887 --> 00:10:12,720 I'm going to get a couple of cats called 0bvious and Wrong. 157 00:10:12,807 --> 00:10:15,275 There's a story of Brendan Behan in Canada, do you know this? 158 00:10:15,367 --> 00:10:21,681 He was on Canadian television, and drunk, as he always was, and they said: 159 00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:24,565 "So what brings you to Canada, Mr Behan?" 160 00:10:24,647 --> 00:10:28,925 And he said, "Well now, I was in a bar in Dublin, 161 00:10:29,007 --> 00:10:32,761 and they had one of those coasters and it said on it 'Drink Canada Dry', 162 00:10:32,847 --> 00:10:35,281 so I thought I'd give it a shot." 163 00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:39,045 - Which is rather pleasing. - (Gyles) Did he die in New York? 164 00:10:39,127 --> 00:10:42,483 No, Dublin. He died at the age of 41, I know that, 165 00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:44,683 of severe cirrhosis of the liver. 166 00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:49,966 - Really? Only 41? - Yes. Alcoholic from the age of eight. 167 00:10:50,047 --> 00:10:52,322 - Spirits? - (Gyles) They were an alcoholic family. 168 00:10:52,407 --> 00:10:55,285 From the age of eight. His brother is still alive. 169 00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:58,165 - Dominic? Dominic has died. - Oh, he died, did he? I met him. 170 00:10:58,247 --> 00:11:01,956 Indeed. Did he do the same trick when you met him as when I met him? 171 00:11:02,047 --> 00:11:04,925 We were walking along a corridor with this lovely William Morris wallpaper, 172 00:11:05,007 --> 00:11:08,477 and I learnt something about actually how to handle somebody 173 00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:10,603 if they're not being very interesting, because I was... 174 00:11:10,687 --> 00:11:12,803 Oh, do tell me, do tell me. 175 00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:17,240 I'm laying myself open to this. 176 00:11:18,087 --> 00:11:20,078 Because I was trying to tell him about William Morris 177 00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:23,045 and I made the mistake of saying, "This is lovely William Morris wallpaper." 178 00:11:23,127 --> 00:11:25,118 At which point he undid his trousers, 179 00:11:25,207 --> 00:11:29,041 and urinated from that end to that end of the William Morris wallpaper. 180 00:11:29,127 --> 00:11:32,597 Oh, the charm of the Irish drunk. It's lovely, isn't it? 181 00:11:32,687 --> 00:11:37,397 No, Brendan Behan was asked by Guinness, as Ireland's most famous living playwright, 182 00:11:37,487 --> 00:11:40,206 as he was, really, to come up with a slogan for Guinness. 183 00:11:40,287 --> 00:11:43,677 And he said, "You'll have to send a couple of crates round." 184 00:11:43,767 --> 00:11:47,362 And they sent round two crates of bottled Guinness and they went round the next day 185 00:11:47,447 --> 00:11:51,440 and all the bottles had been drunk and there were screwed-up bits of paper everywhere. 186 00:11:51,527 --> 00:11:53,802 He said, "I've got it", and he handed them a piece of paper 187 00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:58,517 and it said, "Guinness makes you drunk." There you are. 188 00:11:58,607 --> 00:12:02,236 It's sort of the ultimate, the perfect advertising slogan, in many ways. 189 00:12:02,727 --> 00:12:07,198 - (foghorn) Yes, Rich? - Venus is made entirely out of felt. 190 00:12:09,007 --> 00:12:11,885 I would like three points, please. 191 00:12:12,807 --> 00:12:16,846 Do you know who predicted James Dean's death in his car? 192 00:12:16,927 --> 00:12:18,599 - No idea. - Ah, yes. Nostradamus. 193 00:12:18,687 --> 00:12:20,996 - Yeah. - Mystic Meg. 194 00:12:21,087 --> 00:12:25,205 - It was Alec Guinness. - (Stephen) Alec Guinness? 195 00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:28,484 Yes, Alec Guinness was going to go into a restaurant 196 00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:32,242 and James Dean came running out and said, "Hey, you can come and sit with me." 197 00:12:32,327 --> 00:12:34,397 And Alec Guinness said, "That's very kind of you." 198 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:38,082 And he said, "But would you come..." That was Alec Guinness. 199 00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:41,796 He said, "Come along first of all and take a look at my new car." 200 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:44,640 - (Alan) James Dean. - James Dean. 201 00:12:44,727 --> 00:12:47,878 No, Stuart Little was there. 202 00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:49,958 "Mom, Dad, I'm going in!" 203 00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:56,245 And he went and had a look at the car, 204 00:12:56,327 --> 00:12:59,160 and Alec Guinness felt a strange thing and he said: 205 00:12:59,247 --> 00:13:02,523 "If you go inside that car, you will not be alive..." 206 00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:06,885 Please, don't spoil it with laughter, because you'll get a chill at the end of this. 207 00:13:06,967 --> 00:13:09,481 That's not a general rule, but just for this moment. 208 00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:14,766 He said, "If you step inside that car, in two weeks' time you will not be alive." 209 00:13:14,847 --> 00:13:18,806 And sure enough, he said, "Two weeks later, I turned on the television 210 00:13:18,887 --> 00:13:21,526 and James Dean had been killed in that very car." 211 00:13:21,607 --> 00:13:24,201 - That's a true story. - Radish is a meat. 212 00:13:26,127 --> 00:13:29,244 What do I get for that? It's true! 213 00:13:29,327 --> 00:13:33,036 Anyway, the slogan "Guinness is good for you" was in fact written 214 00:13:33,127 --> 00:13:38,326 by queen of crime, Dorothy L Sayers, who was of course not Irish, but English. 215 00:13:38,407 --> 00:13:40,921 We'll be right back after these messages. 216 00:13:49,707 --> 00:13:53,097 Now, this round is set in ancient Athens. 217 00:13:53,187 --> 00:13:56,577 The Greeks invented tragedy, comedy, geometry, philosophy, biology, democracy, 218 00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:59,818 history, prize-giving, persuasion, proof, punctuation, politics, 219 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:02,501 boxing gloves, tightrope-walking and the steam engine. 220 00:14:02,587 --> 00:14:07,342 According to these geniuses, how do otters kill crocodiles? 221 00:14:08,307 --> 00:14:10,901 (patriotic music) Yes? 222 00:14:10,987 --> 00:14:13,421 Softly with their songs. 223 00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:21,300 - That's a very beautiful answer indeed. - It had a sort of lyrical quality to it. I felt it. 224 00:14:21,387 --> 00:14:24,424 I think it must be more than one otter at work. 225 00:14:24,507 --> 00:14:27,067 It could be an otter distraction. 226 00:14:27,147 --> 00:14:30,981 - Lure them onto dry land, pull the plug out. - That's an otter thing altogether. 227 00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:35,663 Or choke them. "Get in, you hold his jaws open, I'll choke him." 228 00:14:35,747 --> 00:14:37,100 - That's not far off. - That's closer. 229 00:14:37,187 --> 00:14:40,304 Is it something to do with them waiting till they're asleep and actually climbing into them, 230 00:14:40,387 --> 00:14:41,979 just walking straight into them? 231 00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:45,855 Well, do you know, you're not far off there, young Gyles. I'll tell you what it is. 232 00:14:45,947 --> 00:14:51,180 They actually believed that otters scampered into the open mouths of crocodiles 233 00:14:51,267 --> 00:14:55,738 and ate their entrails and then dashed out again when the crocodile had died. 234 00:14:55,827 --> 00:14:58,102 The crocodile went, "Agh!" 235 00:14:59,907 --> 00:15:03,024 The Greeks had a lot of very good ideas, but this wasn't one of them, cos it's not true. 236 00:15:03,107 --> 00:15:08,704 Another of their ideas, very popular in its day, but which hasn't lasted, was raphanizein. 237 00:15:08,787 --> 00:15:11,540 It's the penalty for adultery, 238 00:15:11,627 --> 00:15:15,620 and it involved inserting a radish into the adulterer's bottom. 239 00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:18,380 Radishes were a lot longer, wider and pointier in those days 240 00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:20,423 and were hammered home with a mallet. 241 00:15:20,507 --> 00:15:25,706 Raphanizein is therefore a verb, meaning to insert a radish into the fundament. 242 00:15:25,787 --> 00:15:30,417 You know, radish is a meat. I don't know whether I mentioned that or not, but... 243 00:15:30,507 --> 00:15:32,941 To insert meat into the fundament, there is another word for that. 244 00:15:33,027 --> 00:15:36,099 You don't need a special word for that. 245 00:15:36,187 --> 00:15:40,863 It's an absurd punishment. I'd have thought smacking them on the thumb with a mallet 246 00:15:40,947 --> 00:15:43,780 would be much worse, wouldn't it? 247 00:15:43,867 --> 00:15:46,745 They were, after all, Greek, you see. 248 00:15:47,707 --> 00:15:50,221 They didn't really mind homosexuality, though, did they? 249 00:15:50,307 --> 00:15:54,778 They very much relished it. They certainly knew a thing or two about... 250 00:15:54,867 --> 00:15:57,700 about man-on-man action. 251 00:15:59,507 --> 00:16:03,864 However, what was the job of Aristocles, Aristocles, 252 00:16:03,947 --> 00:16:06,177 better known to his friends as "Wide Boy"? 253 00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:09,259 It also means flat, oddly enough, it means wide and flat. 254 00:16:09,347 --> 00:16:11,224 - Flat, flatulence. - Flatulence. 255 00:16:11,307 --> 00:16:15,539 - What's a flat-billed sort of animal called? - (Gyles) Duck-billed platypus. 256 00:16:15,627 --> 00:16:16,662 - Pla... - Plato. 257 00:16:16,747 --> 00:16:19,739 - Plato is the answer. - Plato is the answer? 258 00:16:19,827 --> 00:16:23,502 Yes, his real name was Aristocles and he was known as the "Wide 0ne". 259 00:16:23,587 --> 00:16:28,138 - Plato's real name was Aristocles? - Aristocles, he was nicknamed "Plato". 260 00:16:28,227 --> 00:16:31,617 My word, he went to a terrible sculptor. 261 00:16:33,787 --> 00:16:39,419 It must be so upsetting when they put the mirror behind you 262 00:16:39,507 --> 00:16:42,021 and they pull it out like that. 263 00:16:42,107 --> 00:16:46,385 "May I ask who sculpted you last, sir? Oh, dear." 264 00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:52,099 Yeah, well, Plato was indeed the schoolboy nickname of Aristocles, from the Greek "wide", 265 00:16:52,187 --> 00:16:54,143 and it was given to him because of his broad shoulders. 266 00:16:54,227 --> 00:16:58,186 His real name was Aristocles, and Aristocles taught Aristotle. 267 00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:02,863 And what did Aristotle teach us, the world, about buzzards? 268 00:17:02,947 --> 00:17:05,666 - This will be something absurd. - He did say something absurd about them. 269 00:17:05,747 --> 00:17:09,217 It'll be ridiculous, it'll be something like they can read our minds or something like that. 270 00:17:09,307 --> 00:17:11,662 No, he... I'll tell you what it is, actually. 271 00:17:11,747 --> 00:17:16,696 He felt that they were birds who didn't realise they were buzzards 272 00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:19,347 and it was building up inside that they were latent buzzards. 273 00:17:19,427 --> 00:17:21,861 Latent buzzards! 274 00:17:21,947 --> 00:17:24,142 Wey hey! 275 00:17:24,787 --> 00:17:28,416 You get five for something there. I don't quite know what it is, Rob, but you get five. 276 00:17:28,507 --> 00:17:31,943 I'll tell you the answer, actually. He thought they had three testicles. 277 00:17:32,027 --> 00:17:35,178 You see, this is the sort of thing he came out with all the time. 278 00:17:35,267 --> 00:17:37,827 He's very overrated, even though he knew a good sculptor. 279 00:17:37,907 --> 00:17:40,740 He looks all right there. 280 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:43,295 But look at the robe on him. 281 00:17:43,387 --> 00:17:46,459 There's a really interesting thing I can tell you about buzzards, on the other hand. 282 00:17:46,547 --> 00:17:52,861 The Latin for buzzard, you know, its taxonomical name, is "Buteo buteo", right? 283 00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:56,701 Now, there's a sort of, as it were, a subspecies of buzzard called a "hobby". 284 00:17:56,787 --> 00:18:00,826 - And it is "subbuteo". - 0h, God! 285 00:18:00,907 --> 00:18:02,579 Subbuteo. 286 00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:07,616 And the man who invented a game wanted to call it "the hobby", 287 00:18:07,707 --> 00:18:11,097 and when he tried to patent it, they wouldn't let him use the word "the hobby", 288 00:18:11,187 --> 00:18:14,782 so he called it after the Latin name for "the hobby", which is "subbuteo". 289 00:18:14,867 --> 00:18:17,427 And that's why one is kicking a little testicle around the board. 290 00:18:17,507 --> 00:18:19,384 - If you like. It all comes back. - (Gyles) How amazing. 291 00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:23,255 - That's where the name Subbuteo is from. - (Rich) It must be great to be a philosopher. 292 00:18:23,347 --> 00:18:27,659 None of us could sit there and count the testicles on a buzzard 293 00:18:27,747 --> 00:18:30,705 and really explain it or justify it. "What are you doing?" 294 00:18:30,787 --> 00:18:33,745 "I'm counting the balls on a buzzard." 295 00:18:33,827 --> 00:18:37,706 "Don't you have better things to do?" "I'm a philosopher." "0h well, go ahead." 296 00:18:37,787 --> 00:18:40,904 Did you know that the Pope, when the Pope is elected, 297 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,943 still has to have this ceremony in the Vatican. 298 00:18:43,027 --> 00:18:48,340 After the Pope is elected, the Pope is carried over a group of the cardinals, 299 00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:51,578 and now, of course, the Pope actually doesn't display himself, 300 00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:54,227 but in days gone by, he would display himself. 301 00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:58,346 And the cardinals, this still happens to this day, when the Pope is crowned, 302 00:18:58,427 --> 00:19:02,784 the cardinals, the Pope is carried on a chair over the cardinals. 303 00:19:02,867 --> 00:19:08,863 And they look up and they say, "Testiculos habet et bene pendentes." 304 00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:15,102 No! "He has balls and he's well hung?!" "Bene pendentes?" 305 00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:17,417 It means, "They are well hung, they are hanging well". 306 00:19:17,507 --> 00:19:24,026 And it goes back to the time of Pope Joan, when a girl masqueraded as a young Pope. 307 00:19:24,107 --> 00:19:28,703 That's when the ceremony was introduced. And so the tradition continues to this day. 308 00:19:28,787 --> 00:19:33,383 Fabulous, five points, brilliant, I love it. Well done. 309 00:19:35,147 --> 00:19:39,265 Now, what did the Ancient Greeks use blackberries for? 310 00:19:39,347 --> 00:19:43,340 Tarts, pies and occasionally a nice salad. 311 00:19:44,427 --> 00:19:45,303 Is it to do with health or beauty? 312 00:19:45,387 --> 00:19:48,379 It is to do with health, not really beauty, I think would be pushing it, but health. 313 00:19:48,467 --> 00:19:50,503 - They used to push them up their backsides. - Yes. 314 00:19:50,587 --> 00:19:53,181 Comfort from the radish. When the radish came in, 315 00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:55,497 the blackberries would cushion the blow. 316 00:19:55,587 --> 00:19:59,546 It's sort of almost true, because they used it as a specific against piles. 317 00:19:59,627 --> 00:20:05,941 I dare say having a few radishes hammered up you would probably induce piles. 318 00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,623 Now, one in ten ancient Athenians did it regularly, 319 00:20:09,707 --> 00:20:15,020 until the Macedonians put a stop to it in 322BC. What am I talking about? 320 00:20:15,107 --> 00:20:18,099 They're not doing it there, incidentally, in that picture behind. 321 00:20:18,187 --> 00:20:22,738 They pay their utilities bills by direct debit. 322 00:20:24,507 --> 00:20:26,338 Would you recommend the direct debit route? 323 00:20:26,427 --> 00:20:28,179 - It takes the hassle out of it, Stephen. - Does it? 324 00:20:28,267 --> 00:20:32,863 - It takes the hassle out of it. - You can't put a price on peace of mind! 325 00:20:34,707 --> 00:20:38,666 - So what do Greeks, what did they do? - Is it something specifically Greek... 326 00:20:38,747 --> 00:20:41,136 - Something we do. ...or something a Macedonian objects to? 327 00:20:41,227 --> 00:20:43,183 - We do it? - Something we do. 328 00:20:43,267 --> 00:20:44,859 - Elections. - They voted. 329 00:20:44,947 --> 00:20:48,906 They voted for all their chieftains, all their leaders, all their wise men, 330 00:20:48,987 --> 00:20:53,185 they voted for their justice at the Areopagitica, and democracy was born. 331 00:20:53,267 --> 00:20:56,418 It was snatched crudely away from them by the Macedonians. 332 00:20:56,507 --> 00:20:58,225 Invented, though, in Ancient Greece. 333 00:20:58,307 --> 00:21:00,502 - Speaking of crudely... - It lasted only 180 years. 334 00:21:00,587 --> 00:21:02,578 Pinto. 335 00:21:07,187 --> 00:21:09,382 The Greeks regarded small testicles as rather artistic. 336 00:21:09,467 --> 00:21:11,981 I'm a man out of his time. 337 00:21:13,627 --> 00:21:16,095 You get five points for being British. 338 00:21:17,587 --> 00:21:19,782 0nly 10% of the population ever had the vote. 339 00:21:19,867 --> 00:21:26,705 Greek women had to wait another 2,274 years until they finally got theirs in 1952. 340 00:21:26,787 --> 00:21:29,142 I don't know why all this talk of politics and radishes does it, 341 00:21:29,227 --> 00:21:32,663 but it's put me in mind, for some reason, of Michael Portillo. 342 00:21:32,747 --> 00:21:36,581 When Michael Portillo was a young and unknown Tory hopeful, 343 00:21:36,667 --> 00:21:39,340 he was noted for his amazingly energetic canvassing. 344 00:21:39,427 --> 00:21:43,466 On one whistle-stop tour, apparently, he arrived at the front door of a house, 345 00:21:43,547 --> 00:21:46,664 having literally run up the garden path, and he rang the doorbell. 346 00:21:46,747 --> 00:21:48,180 But something was amiss, 347 00:21:48,267 --> 00:21:51,065 and he looked behind him to see that the path he had just run up 348 00:21:51,147 --> 00:21:55,982 was covered in newly laid wet concrete, covered in Portillo footprints. 349 00:21:56,067 --> 00:21:59,696 At that moment the door opened and a burly constituent said, "Yes?!" 350 00:21:59,787 --> 00:22:02,096 "Good morning, sir," said Portillo, with his cheesiest grin, 351 00:22:02,187 --> 00:22:06,703 "I'm your Labour Party candidate." And he ran off back down the path. 352 00:22:06,787 --> 00:22:08,778 (applause) 353 00:22:13,947 --> 00:22:19,146 Well, now to our final traditional round. Fingers on the buzzers, please, gentlemen, 354 00:22:19,587 --> 00:22:22,579 for this pyrotechnic display of General Ignorance. 355 00:22:22,667 --> 00:22:25,465 How many legs does a centipede have? 356 00:22:25,547 --> 00:22:27,344 (foghorn) 357 00:22:27,427 --> 00:22:29,463 Uh, none. 358 00:22:31,667 --> 00:22:32,782 Oh, sadly not. 359 00:22:32,867 --> 00:22:35,904 A centipede, because they don't really have legs, they have little... 360 00:22:35,987 --> 00:22:37,420 - Limbs. - Limbs. 361 00:22:37,507 --> 00:22:41,022 - They're claws, they have little claws. - Not claws, no. No, they're called legs. 362 00:22:41,107 --> 00:22:43,416 - (quacking) Yes? - Is it actually not 100? 363 00:22:43,507 --> 00:22:47,739 - (Gyles) It's not 100. - Not 100, no. No, you clever swine. 364 00:22:47,827 --> 00:22:50,421 - Do you see what I've done there? - You clever swine. 365 00:22:50,507 --> 00:22:53,783 You've avoided a forfeit with brilliant manoeuvring. 366 00:22:53,867 --> 00:22:56,665 - (foghorn) Not claws? - It's not claws neither. 367 00:22:56,747 --> 00:22:57,862 (foghorn) 368 00:22:57,947 --> 00:23:01,257 It varies, but it is always an equal and even number. 369 00:23:01,347 --> 00:23:04,305 - Ah, that's interesting. - (foghorn) 370 00:23:04,387 --> 00:23:08,175 What Gyles says is literally... Let me do this for a while 371 00:23:08,267 --> 00:23:10,462 and then tell you the answer, which is this. 372 00:23:10,547 --> 00:23:14,062 Centipedes have been extensively studied for over 100 years, 373 00:23:14,147 --> 00:23:17,139 but not one has ever been found that has 100 legs. 374 00:23:17,227 --> 00:23:18,865 Some have more, some less. 375 00:23:18,947 --> 00:23:22,826 The one with the number of legs closest to 100 was discovered in 1999, that recently. 376 00:23:22,907 --> 00:23:26,946 It has 96 legs and is unique among centipedes, 377 00:23:27,027 --> 00:23:31,339 in that it is the only known species with an even number of pairs of legs. 378 00:23:31,427 --> 00:23:32,940 48 pairs. 379 00:23:33,027 --> 00:23:39,262 All other centipedes have odd numbered pairs of legs, ranging from 15 to 191 pairs. So there. 380 00:23:39,347 --> 00:23:40,575 (foghorn) 381 00:23:40,667 --> 00:23:45,866 - So you're saying there's no centi-claws? - Wey hey! 382 00:23:49,547 --> 00:23:51,424 My dear fellow! 383 00:23:51,507 --> 00:23:54,943 - I had a long wait for that one! - You certainly did, and you're rewarded... 384 00:23:55,027 --> 00:23:58,463 - It took forever! - You're rewarded with one point. 385 00:23:58,547 --> 00:24:04,383 Now, what did 35,000 Americans insure themselves against in 1994? 386 00:24:04,467 --> 00:24:06,537 (party blower) Yes, Gyles? 387 00:24:06,627 --> 00:24:10,506 They do it every year - being abducted by aliens. 388 00:24:10,587 --> 00:24:13,340 Did you say being abducted by aliens? Did you? 389 00:24:13,427 --> 00:24:17,215 - I did. - You're absolutely right. Well done. 390 00:24:19,587 --> 00:24:23,785 Yeah, what more can I add? Being kidnapped and eaten by aliens. 391 00:24:23,867 --> 00:24:30,261 Believe it or not, 2,760,000 Californians, 8% of the States' population, 392 00:24:30,347 --> 00:24:33,498 claim to have been abducted by aliens. 393 00:24:33,587 --> 00:24:36,420 To be perfectly honest, quite a high proportion of these insurance policies 394 00:24:36,507 --> 00:24:40,295 are actually bought by other people for friends, as a joke birthday present. 395 00:24:40,387 --> 00:24:44,619 Now, most of these people are pulled over by the police for drink driving. 396 00:24:44,707 --> 00:24:46,857 - And they use that as an excuse. - "Hey, I lost all control." 397 00:24:46,947 --> 00:24:50,622 "I was in this force field, I had no control over the vehicle." 398 00:24:50,707 --> 00:24:54,586 "Blue lights descended on me and I was yanked from my car 399 00:24:54,667 --> 00:24:57,818 and thrown into a room and probed." 400 00:24:57,907 --> 00:25:00,467 - With a radish. - With a radish, yeah. 401 00:25:00,547 --> 00:25:03,664 Now, next question. What rhymes with purple? 402 00:25:03,747 --> 00:25:06,659 Ah, it's like orange, nothing does. 403 00:25:06,747 --> 00:25:09,705 - (alarm bells) - Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! 404 00:25:09,787 --> 00:25:13,223 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 0h, dear. 405 00:25:13,307 --> 00:25:16,822 No, no, there are two words in the English language that rhyme with purple. 406 00:25:16,907 --> 00:25:18,260 - Two. - Burple. 407 00:25:18,347 --> 00:25:23,023 I won't say everyday words, but there are two words. I'm afraid you have to lose ten points. 408 00:25:23,107 --> 00:25:25,541 - I'll tell you the answer. - Lurple. 409 00:25:25,627 --> 00:25:28,425 You won't get there, if you go through all the sounds known to man. 410 00:25:28,507 --> 00:25:30,941 - Qurple, yurple, zurple. - (Rich) Maple syrple. 411 00:25:31,027 --> 00:25:34,258 - Maple syrple doesn't count. - Circle? Curple. 412 00:25:34,347 --> 00:25:37,817 Durple, furple, gurple, hurple. 413 00:25:37,907 --> 00:25:41,582 Jurple, kurple, lurple, murple, nurple. 414 00:25:41,667 --> 00:25:45,979 Do you know what you're doing on national television? 415 00:25:46,067 --> 00:25:51,187 Mrs Davies's little boy has grown up to go, "Nurple, purple, wurple." 416 00:25:51,267 --> 00:25:54,816 - Rurple, surple. - They're not common words, but... 417 00:25:54,907 --> 00:25:58,741 If you had a swimming pool and you covered it in fur, it would be a fur-pool. 418 00:25:58,827 --> 00:26:01,705 - Furple. - It would, it would, it would. 419 00:26:01,787 --> 00:26:04,221 I'll tell you the answer. It's hirple is one word. 420 00:26:04,307 --> 00:26:07,265 - I think I said hirple. - You did. 421 00:26:12,427 --> 00:26:14,941 Five points, damn you, five points. 422 00:26:16,427 --> 00:26:18,224 But five points taken away if you also mentioned any other sound. 423 00:26:18,307 --> 00:26:21,379 To hirple is to hobble along with one leg dragging behind the other, 424 00:26:21,467 --> 00:26:22,900 halfway between a walk and a crawl. 425 00:26:22,987 --> 00:26:26,377 The other word, of course, you could have had, was curple. 426 00:26:26,467 --> 00:26:28,776 I think you'll find I said that! 427 00:26:32,227 --> 00:26:36,379 Didn't I say I'd take ten points away if there was a second one that you'd already said? 428 00:26:36,467 --> 00:26:40,176 - Yes. - Yes. But I take that back, I'm not going to. 429 00:26:40,267 --> 00:26:43,020 Curple is the leather strap passing under a horse's tail. 430 00:26:43,107 --> 00:26:45,701 Tail, under the tail of a horse. 431 00:26:47,267 --> 00:26:53,217 It's buckled to the saaaaddle, to stop it slipping forwards. 432 00:26:53,307 --> 00:26:55,025 It's better known as a crupper. 433 00:26:55,107 --> 00:26:58,417 It's also - curple - it's the rump or hind quarters of a horse. 434 00:26:58,507 --> 00:27:00,498 (Alan) Horse. 435 00:27:03,347 --> 00:27:07,306 Now known as an "I'm an idiot". 436 00:27:09,387 --> 00:27:12,106 That, or now known as the croup. 437 00:27:12,187 --> 00:27:16,260 The word appears in a rhyme in the works of Scotland's national poet. I shall give it to you. 438 00:27:16,347 --> 00:27:20,465 "I'd be mair vauntie o, my hap, 439 00:27:20,547 --> 00:27:23,266 Douce hingin owre my curple, 440 00:27:23,347 --> 00:27:25,577 Than onie ermine ever lap 441 00:27:25,667 --> 00:27:28,340 Or proud imperial purple." 442 00:27:28,707 --> 00:27:30,823 It's time, I think, for the final scores. 443 00:27:30,907 --> 00:27:33,421 Oh, my wordly Worthington! Here we go. 444 00:27:33,507 --> 00:27:38,183 In last place, I'm afraid, is Alan, with 15 points. I'm sorry about that. 445 00:27:38,267 --> 00:27:40,417 - (all) Aw. - Because you played an absolute blinder. 446 00:27:40,507 --> 00:27:42,737 In third place, with 17, it's Rob. 447 00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:46,706 But look at this, in second place with a massive 35 points, it's Rich. 448 00:27:46,787 --> 00:27:50,063 But in the lead, with 54, it's Gyles Brandreth, ladies and gentlemen. 449 00:27:50,307 --> 00:27:52,138 (applause) 450 00:27:56,667 --> 00:27:59,261 Well, that's about it for QI this week. 451 00:27:59,347 --> 00:28:04,057 It only remains for me to thank our splendid panel of Alan, Rob, Rich and Gyles, 452 00:28:04,147 --> 00:28:07,298 and to end on this quite interesting snippet of information on adultery, 453 00:28:07,387 --> 00:28:10,424 taken from our court report in the Daily Express. 454 00:28:10,507 --> 00:28:15,456 Mrs Hancox of Middlecote, Coventry, said she became Mellors' mistress in 1967. 455 00:28:15,547 --> 00:28:19,938 He was a gentle lover and they "had a very good relationship". 456 00:28:20,027 --> 00:28:23,576 When asked by the prosecution, "Can you remember how long it continued?" 457 00:28:23,667 --> 00:28:27,455 She replied, "About half an hour." Good night. Thank you.