(applause)
Well, hello and welcome to QI,
the quiz in which nobody dies and nothing is proved,
save that the universe is full of quite interesting things.
Albert Einstein once memorably said:
"Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity."
"And I'm not sure about the universe."
I have the same sinking feeling about tonight's panel, but let's meet them anyway.
- Alan Davies. - (applause)
Danny Baker.
- Howard Goodall and Jo Brand. - (applause continues)
Ladies and gentlemen, in this world there are celebrities, B-lebrities,
but we've got A-lebrities.
- Each one has a buzzer. Howard goes... - (buzzer)
- Danny goes... - (klaxon)
- Jo goes... - (bell rings)
- Alan goes... - (cow moos)
- And I go wee, wee, wee, all the way home. - (laughter)
The rules are simple. I ask the questions, all of which are impossibly unfair,
and give points for interesting answers, regardless of whether they're right or not.
In a cruel twist of fate, I also take away points for answers which are not only wrong,
but pathetically obvious.
The first round tonight is called Answers.
Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, the Victorian actor manager, once hailed a taxi and got in.
When the cab driver asked, "Where to, guv?"
Sir Herbert looked up from his work and answered:
"Do you really think I would give my address to the likes of you?"
In this round, I shall supply the questions about the questions
and it's up to you to answer with the answers.
So, what answer did the Nobel-prize-winning Danish physicist Niels Bohr give
when asked, "Why have you got a horseshoe on your wall?"
- Alan. - Me?
He hung it on the wall cos he didn't want to lose it.
No. It's good...
The ground was quite damp. He thought it might get rusty.
- I like both of those. - It looked nice.
Your previous answer reminded me of a story which I might as well come out with
about the great Edith Evans
who bought... in the 1930s, bought a Renoir painting,
which, even in the 1930s, was a reasonably expensive thing to do.
A friend was having tea with her and said, "Edith, have they..."
"Have Sotheby's or Christie's delivered the Renoir yet?" She said, "Yes, it's here."
She said, "Well, can I see it?" And she said, "It's over there."
And very low down on the wall was this Renoir.
The person - her friend - had to lift a curtain to get a proper look at it.
She said, "Well, it's lovely, Edith, but why did you hang it there?"
She said, "There was a hook."
I think it typifies the British attitude towards art.
I wonder if it was a horseshoe, because in Denmark they found in a bog
the world's oldest brass instrument,
which is shaped like that and it's called a Danish name like, "ooh", or "dooh".
- It's bronze age, and it sounds a bit like... - (buzzer)
- (Stephen) It really does. - So maybe that's...
Can I just ask something, Howard? Bog as in mire or bog as in toilet?
- Bog... - (laughter)
It's confusing that it would be a brass instrument from the bronze age, wouldn't it?
- Yes. - They'd really know what they were playing.
It's certainly worth five points as interesting material. You definitely get your five points.
Was it anything to do with Schrodinger's cat?
It wasn't, though he was intimately associated with the physics behind Schrodinger's cat.
Schrodinger's cat. It's a sort of quasi-philosophical problem.
- (Danny) Go on. - (Jo sighs)
- Oh, bollocks. - (Stephen) I think the idea is to leave...
The idea is that you put a cat in a lead casket and close the lid
and you can't know for sure once you've closed that lid
whether the cat is alive or dead.
So it's a sort of philosophical problem about never being able to know.
Absolutely right. Niels Bohr, of course, also said of quantum physics
that if you're not shocked by it then you haven't understood it.
- Yeah. It's like this show, isn't it? - (Stephen) Some bits. Thank you for that.
The answer, "Of course," he said, "I don't believe in it,
but I understand that it brings you luck whether you believe in it or not."
Now, let's come to a second question.
What did romantic novelist Barbara Cartland answer when asked in a radio interview:
"Would you say that the barriers of the British class system have broken down"?
- Who would like to answer that? - I don't know about the sound barriers,
but I do know that Barbara Cartland invented the aeroplane-towed glider.
- Did you know that? - No!
- (Danny) Barbara Cartland did? - Yes, she was a keen airswoman.
And she invented pulling gliders by aeroplane.
- This is marvellous. Five points. - I know one other thing about her,
which is that when she was young, she moved into this house
and she kept hearing this ghost of a young woman calling to her.
Everybody said, "Mad novelist", and all that kind of thing.
And later it was discovered
that a young woman with fair hair had been bricked into the wall of her house.
Workmen uncovered this skeleton behind the hearth,
so from that moment on she believed that she really had heard a ghost
and there really had been a ghost and that was who was calling out to her.
Yes. That's not worth five points
because almost every old woman I've ever met has a story like that,
but we'll certainly give you five for the aeroplane glider.
When you said aeroplane-towed, I thought you meant a toad.
- Me too. - I thought she had forced wings on a toad
and was chucking it across Berkshire, going, "I invented that."
She was asked whether or not she thought British class barriers had been broken down.
Do you know what her answer was? I'll tell you.
She said, "Of course they have, or I wouldn't be sitting here talking to someone like you."
- Quite right too. - Style.
May not have been one of her properties, but nonetheless...
She's got a very classy pair of handcuffs on though, hasn't she? Look at her.
She's been arrested by someone very posh indeed.
But you've got to say she's made the best of herself, haven't you, really?
You're not actually seeing her there, you know. It's like the sun.
You actually see the sun eight minutes ago cos the light takes eight minutes to get here.
With her, what you're seeing, cos there's so much makeup,
you're seeing her about 18 years ago.
If you peeled away long enough...
- So she was... - Like Lionel Richie.
- (Danny) Lionel Richie? - "Hello?"
Explain Lionel Richie's connection. Is he very wrinkled?
Because of the clay head.
- The clay head! 0f course, the clay head. - The clay head. "Hello?" "Hello?"
"Is it me you're looking for?"
Mick Jagger's got a great big head on a little body, if you ever meet him.
He looks like one of those New Orleans carnival heads when he comes towards you.
I feel we've got an insight into what life would be like in an old-people's home.
You know what? I can't wait to be in an old-people's home.
Good. Now...
Howard, what answer did the Spanish general and political leader
Ramon Blanco y Erenas give on his deathbed to the priest
when asked, "Do you forgive your enemies?"
- I'm sure it was in Spanish. - (Stephen) Yes, it will have been.
- Was it, "I don't speak English"? - No.
Last words, of course, Hancock: "Too many things have gone wrong too many times."
What? Nick Hancock's killed himself?
(Stephen) Please.
I was in a room with Paul Merton and Nicholas Parsons,
just to show off for a moment my show biz credentials.
I'm gonna change that and I'm gonna suggest it was a sauna.
Well...
Start again. "I was in a sauna..."
With a leakproof pen, obviously, because Paul Merton was writing on this piece of paper
for quite a long time.
And Nicholas Parsons said to him, "Paul, what are you writing?"
And Paul said, "It's a suicide note."
And Nicholas said, "Oh." And then Paul said, "Sign here, Nicholas."
Which I thought was rather good. It's a rather good joke. There we are.
- Now... - Who's this Spanish fella?
Spanish fellow. Ramon. Yeah.
He was asked whether he forgave his enemies. He was asked on his deathbed.
What he actually said was, "No, I don't have any enemies."
"I've had them all shot."
(laughter and applause)
Well, the patron saint of QI
is the ancient Roman Gaius Plinius Secundus, better known as Pliny the Elder.
His Natural History is the great encyclopedia covering all human knowledge at the time.
"Life", he said, "is my subject."
And he estimated that the 37 volumes that he wrote contained 20,000 important facts
derived from 2,000 books.
The 28th book of his magnum opus is what concerns us now,
packed, as it is, with antidotes.
State-of-the-art remedies culled from the great medical minds of the ancient world.
So, Danny, what does Pliny confidently expect to cure
by recommending that the patient eats the heart of a black jackass outside -
out-of-doors, that is - on the second day of the moon.
Mumps. I have no idea.
So, there was a suggestion once
that the key to eternal life lies in the elbow,
and if it can be consumed then you would live forever.
Which is why nobody, no matter how hard you try, can actually lick their own elbows.
- Even though... - (Alan) We must all try.
I know the audience are now desperate to have a go.
It looks so attainable until you come to here,
and whether the theory came first or the curse came second -
the idea that you cannot lick your elbow - but they say if you can, you will live forever.
Is that how socialism was invented? Someone said, "Come, let us lick each other's elbows".
- It doesn't work. - (laughter and applause)
See, the thing is that no young man of licking age
spent any time at all trying to lick his elbow, did he?
The question was why would you eat the heart of a black jackass by the light of the moon.
It must be something awfully serious you'd have wrong with you,
cos the heart of a... Where do you get a black jackass anyway?
- (Stephen) These days? - These days.
- Kentucky Fried Jackass. - (laughter)
- I'll tell you. - (Howard) Is it gout?
It's not gout. It's not gout. It's actually epilepsy.
Although he also prescribes for epilepsy
the consumption of lightly poached bear's testes,
a camel's brain, dried and taken with honey,
or, in extremis, a draught of fresh gladiator's blood is good.
He doesn't mention Tegretol then?
- (Stephen) Is that the specific you favour? - Yes, it is. It's a specific drug for epilepsy.
- (Stephen) Do you have epilepsy yourself? - No.
- (Stephen) No. You know those who do? - (Alan) She knows loads about drugs.
- (Stephen) Does she? - Yes.
- Yeah. Cos she's a nurse. - And a drug addict.
What would you think... Who shall we ask? Jo, I think. You're the medical person here.
What would you think if I touched the tips of your genitals with linen or papyrus?
(laughter)
To be honest, Stephen, I'd be bloody impressed you found the tip.
(laughter and applause)
I'd say, "Stop trying to make the bed while I'm still in it."
- I'd think it's something absorbent. - (Stephen) Yes.
It would suggest to me there was something coming out of the tip of Jo's genitals
that you were hoping to absorb.
(Stephen) And what affliction...
What affliction might that suggest?
- Stress incontinence. - (Stephen) That's right. Incontinence.
Although, of course, you might opt, instead of the linen or papyrus,
for the alternative cure for incontinence,
which is to knock back a glass of sweet wine mixed liberally with ash of a burnt pig's penis,
then urinating in your, or your neighbour's, dog's bed.
None of this is made up.
And I like... The pig would be there, going, "I'm glad to see you're still pissing happily."
"Where's my penis?"
Now, Howard. Howard, Howard, Howard. Howardy, howardy hustard.
After that, guessing the uses for a cream
made with pig's lard and the rust from a chariot wheel should be easy for you.
- He liked his pigs, didn't he? - (Stephen) He did.
Suntan oil.
Is it something to do with the gladiators? Does it repel lions?
It's... I'll tell you what it is, actually, because I'd no idea at all myself.
The actual answer is haemorrhoids.
I can tell you anything you want to know about haemorrhoids.
- (Stephen) Can you really? - Nothing on the market works.
You might be interested in this, Alan, for haemorrhoids, is swan's fat.
And you might consider rubbing the afflicted part with the urine of a she-goat.
You have to find a middle-aged one that's got stress incontinence, then it's easy.
It's better than supporting bloody immoral pharmaceutical companies
- that are destroying our globe, actually. - (Alan) Yeah, they are, actually.
They bloody are. They take hundreds of pounds off of me.
(Stephen) Do they? Yeah?
Well, there you are.
Now, you might pity the poor Roman with a headache, for here, Pliny is quite unequivocal.
A fox's genitals tied to the forehead is the surest route to relief for a headache.
It's all pretty obvious, really.
Where's the fox? Is the fox... Are they attached to the fox?
I suspect they would be.
Was he ever held up and said, "Rubbish. Take more water with it. None of this works"?
These days, of course, as we know,
a lot of antibiotics are beginning to work less and less well,
and a great many people find themselves with infections that will not clear up.
Two of the most popular cures for it at the moment are maggots,
which are used in Western hospitals on a routine basis to clean up wounds,
the other is New Zealand honey.
- (buzzer) - (Stephen) Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa.
Bees. Did you know the British bee died out in the First World War?
One of the little-known casualties of the First World War was the... I only know this cos...
(Stephen) Was it the Somerset Regiment of bees?
I've been to the cemetery. All those little white crosses about this big on a...
What happened was all the bees in England got a terrible cold during the First World War
and practically died out, and they imported Mexican bees
and bees from all over everywhere else to start bees again.
So all the bees that you think are ethnic British bees...
- The British National Party, do they know? - (Stephen) The Bee NP? Yes.
- The Bee NP. - Yes. They've changed their name.
- One of my favourite jokes is about bees. - Oh, here we go.
- It's not very long. - (Stephen) Good.
Two beekeepers and one says, "How many bees have you got?" He says, "10,000 bees."
He says, "How many hives have you got?" He says, "I've got 20 hives."
"20 hives and 10,000 bees?" He says, "Yeah. How many bees have you got?"
He says, "I've got a million bees." "A million bees?"
He says, "Yeah." He says, "How many hives have you got?" "0ne."
"A million bees, one hive?" He goes, "Yeah, (beep) 'em. They're only bees."
(Stephen) Very nice. Very nice.
A fellow goes into the cake shop, "I'd like to buy a wasp." He says, "We don't sell wasps."
- He said, "There's one in your window." - (Stephen) There's one in the window!
Alan. Take a question please.
What about a piece of simple first aid in the home?
How would the great Pliny deal with a lump of bread caught in the throat?
Lump of bread caught in the throat. A common affliction.
A cow's testes,
fried lightly in goose fat
with a coulis of monkey brains.
- And then light, feathery, nettle meringue. - (buzzer)
- Oh, hello. - I'm the only one using mine.
- (bell rings) - There you are.
- (Stephen) We're off. - (Danny) All right, then.
- (klaxon) - (sheep bleats)
- What was I saying? I'm totally distracted. - (Alan) Pliny.
Do they send a pigeon in after the bread?
(Stephen) No. What they do is they place a piece from the same loaf of bread in each ear.
- Brilliant. - (Stephen) Isn't that good?
It's obvious... when you think about it.
Sane, practical advice from one of the great observers of the human family.
Indeed, so dedicated was Pliny to close observation
that it was to be the death of him.
As Vesuvius erupted in AD 79 - 24 August AD 79, of course -
overcome with curiosity and keen to save his friends,
he returned by boat to the about-to-be-engulfed city of Pompeii,
protected by a pillow tied to his head with a napkin
as an improvised crash-helmet-cum-gas-mask combo.
He was suffocated by the fumes. Thus fell the most curious Roman of them all.
Strange, isn't it, that we think of the Romans as noble architects
and soldiers bestriding the arrow-straight roads and the coliseums of their vast empire,
when clearly they were mostly at home with the sniffles,
festooned with the dangly bits of wild animals and sipping hot toddies made from their piss.
Now, continuing our ancient Roman theme,
it's quite interesting that ancient Britain was so unruly
that it was the only province in the entire Roman Empire
that had a permanent garrison of troops. All the others more or less governed themselves.
The average strength of the Roman army was only 150,000 men,
plus about the same number of auxiliaries recruited from vassal states.
More than a match for the ancient Danish army,
which between 1104 and 1134 consisted of just seven men.
Here are some questions about armies through the ages.
You'd think, wouldn't you, that all armies are pretty much alike? But they're not.
So, Danny, your question. What did 24 people last year...
What did they have to thank the Swiss army for last year?
- They have a navy, of course, even though... - The Swiss do have a navy.
But here's something. The fourth largest navy in the world if one goes by boats alone -
- Disney. - (Stephen) Get off.
Disney has the fourth largest flotilla - navy - in the world.
Good God. They'll be making films next.
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
I know something about Switzerland.
Switzerland has four official languages, none of which are used on their stamps.
None of which is used on their stamps. Is that correct?
- Well. - (Danny) You've done it again.
- Again with the grammatical. - Again, already, already.
- They use Latin on their stamps. - Latin. Helvetica, don't they? Yes.
24 people a year are murdered by members of the Swiss army.
Switzerland has only a small standing army,
but the whole male population does military service as part of the national militia.
Each man is issued with a fully automatic military assault rifle
which he keeps locked up at home with exactly 72 rounds of live ammunition.
Last year this resulted in 24 murders, which, believe it or not,
is the third-highest rate of handgun murder per head for any country in the world.
How did army medics in the Vietnam war
prevent wounded US soldiers from swallowing their own tongues?
- Why would they swallow their own tongues? - (Stephen) It's common when wounded.
- They cut the tongue out. - No, they were sort of American about it.
- Gave them a hamburger. - (laughter)
Swallow that instead.
No, they attached them with safety pins to their cheeks.
- They pinned their tongues to their cheeks? - They pinned their tongues to their cheeks.
Casualties, you know - and this is quite interesting -
casualties in Vietnam were considerably higher than Iraq, but it's extraordinary to note
that more American soldiers committed suicide after serving in Vietnam
than were killed in combat.
Now, Jo, what's rather attractive about the army of Costa Rica?
They've got a pulse?
Do they all look like Sir Bernard Ingham?
I can give you an answer on what's attractive about the army of Costa Rica,
in as much as it's attractive to those of us who are not that interested in war,
which is that it doesn't exist. The country is so peaceful, the army was disbanded in 1949.
Costa Rica is the only country in the world whose constitution forbids a national army.
Instead, they make do with 560 varieties of butterflies,
830 species of birds
and 1200 kinds of orchid. Isn't that the kind of country you'd like to live in?
Why hasn't somebody invaded them if they've got all that going on and no army?
- I'm no warmonger, but... - I think you are. It's a beastly thing to say.
The French statesman Talleyrand, 1754 to 1838 or thereabouts,
once said, "I am more afraid of an army of 100 sheep led by a lion
than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep."
- Make of that what you will, but... - (Alan) He's an idiot.
- (Stephen) Yes, well, will we... - I think he's talking metaphorically.
- (Stephen) Yeah. - (sheep bleats)
Now, who shall I ask this one to?
Why are there no Alsatians in this Spanish army? Howard.
I've no idea, but is it one of these things
where the king made his dog or his donkey the next heir? Is it something to do with that?
It's not actually. It's a rather bizarre reason. I'll tell you because it is quite interesting.
The minimum IQ required to be in the Spanish army is 70,
and Alsatians only have an IQ of 60.
- That's literally true. The Alsatian... - An Alsatian has an IQ of 60?
If you said, "If two trains set off from Plymouth,
one going at 30 miles an hour, one at 40 miles an hour, what time will they get there?
(barks)
- They've got dolphins in the American navy. - Wasn't that funny in the war?
When they let the dolphins out to go and hunt for mines and they buggered off.
You see, that does prove their intelligence, doesn't it?
That's enough armies. Let's move on.
(applause)
Now, it's to the traditional last round,
an assembly of astoundment entitled General Ignorance.
Fingers on the buzzers, please, for this intensely competitive finale.
What noise does the largest frog in the world make?
- (sheep bleats) - (laughter)
(Stephen) Very good. Very good. That's your answer. Excellent. Any other thoughts?
- Ribbit. Really loud. - (alarm bells)
Who said ribbit? Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Ribbit.
- How do you spell ribbit? 0h, like that. - That's apparently how you spell it.
That's "rabbit" in New Zealand.
(New Zealand accent) I've been out shooting ribbits.
- (Stephen) I will tell you the sound... - (Alan) No, don't tell us. I want you to do it.
- I'll give you my party impression. - Is it a metallic noise?
No, although there are frogs that do that. No, I'll give you... This is it. It's...
(electronic croak)
No, it isn't that. It's not that at all. No, that's the sound people being amusing,
because, in fact, the 3ft-long goliath frog of Cameroon and Equatorial Guinea is mute.
Entirely mute. It makes no noise at all. There are 4,360 known species of frog,
but only one of them, in fact, Alan, goes ribbit.
Each species has its own unique call.
The reason that everyone thinks all frogs - and this is true...
The reason that everyone thinks all frogs go ribbit
is that ribbit is the distinctive call of the Southern Pacific tree frog.
This is the frog that lives in Hollywood.
Recorded locally, it has been plastered all over the movies for decades
to enhance the atmosphere of anywhere from the Everglades to Vietnamese jungles.
Frogs actually make a huge variety of noises. They croak, snore, grunt, trill,
cluck, chirp, ring, whoop, whistle and growl.
They make noises like sheep...
They also say, "It's not easy being green".
(Stephen) Bless.
Frogs make noises like sheep, like cattle, like squirrels and crickets.
The barking tree frog yaps like a dog,
the carpenter frog sounds like two carpenters hammering nails out of sync,
and Fowler's toad makes noises like a band of Red Indians whooping.
Most female frogs, like the goliath frog, make no noise at all.
- (bell rings) - We can't get a bloody word in edgeways.
(laughter and applause)
Next question. Fingers on buzzers. What is 40 poles long and four poles wide?
- Is it a regiment in the Polish army? - (alarm bells)
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, dear. It was considered obvious.
I don't know. That's cruel. Oh, and all that hard work.
It's quite simple. It's the acre.
The pole, otherwise known as a rod or a perch, is five and a half yards.
An acre is 4,840 square yards,
or ten cricket pitches long by one wide.
It's also the same as 11.3 basketball courts or 3.9 0lympic swimming pools.
As if you care.
Now, what was used to open the Chicago World Fair in 1933?
- This is a goody. - Yes.
- (mumbles) What was used to open... 0h... - No one say anything.
(Stephen) Shall I put you out of your misery? It's a very good one. If you know, you know.
- The answer is this. - (Alan) Not booze?
Arcturus.
The brightest star in the northern hemisphere, and the fourth brightest in the night sky.
The idea was that the 1933 fair
would be opened by light which had set off from Arcturus in 1893,
the date of the previous Chicago fair, 40 years before,
Arcturus being 40 light years from Earth.
So one end of a telescope was pointed at the star and the other end at a photocell.
When enough light had collected in the photocell,
it tripped a switch and turned on all the lights of the fair. Very cunning.
But not quite cunning enough because scientists now know
that Arcturus is not 40 light years away from Earth, but 34.
Or 36.7, or 37, or, according to one typically reliable internet source, 70.
So, it's time for the final scores.
Well, well, well. Alan, I'm afraid, still in fourth place with eight points.
- Eight points! - Jo, third with 13 points.
In second place with 17 quite interesting points is Howard.
- It was the Polish army, wasn't it? - (Stephen) It was, I'm afraid.
0therwise you would've been way out in front.
- However, our winner is Danny Baker. - Thank you very much.
(applause)
Well, it only remains for me to remind any young people watching
of the horrendous dangers of playing truant from school
by pointing at Jo, Alan, Howard and Danny,
and to say something quite interesting to finish.
In keeping with tonight's theme of antidotes and answers,
it's a report of a medical emergency almost as ancient as Pliny, from the Daily Mirror.
Last Christmas, shoppers in a local supermarket
were distressed to see an old lady collapse.
They gathered round sympathetically and a doctor who happened to be passing
correctly diagnosed her as suffering from hypothermia. This was later confirmed,
but found to be aggravated by the stolen frozen chicken hidden in her fur hat.
- Good night. - (applause)