1 00:00:23,446 --> 00:00:26,165 (applause) 2 00:00:31,566 --> 00:00:35,036 Well, hello and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:35,126 --> 00:00:38,277 the quiz in which nobody dies and nothing is proved, 4 00:00:38,366 --> 00:00:42,598 save that the universe is full of quite interesting things. 5 00:00:42,686 --> 00:00:44,836 Albert Einstein once memorably said: 6 00:00:44,926 --> 00:00:49,556 "Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity." 7 00:00:49,646 --> 00:00:52,285 "And I'm not sure about the universe." 8 00:00:52,366 --> 00:00:56,723 I have the same sinking feeling about tonight's panel, but let's meet them anyway. 9 00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:59,684 - Alan Davies. - (applause) 10 00:00:59,766 --> 00:01:01,802 Danny Baker. 11 00:01:01,886 --> 00:01:06,277 - Howard Goodall and Jo Brand. - (applause continues) 12 00:01:07,846 --> 00:01:10,758 Ladies and gentlemen, in this world there are celebrities, B-lebrities, 13 00:01:10,846 --> 00:01:13,076 but we've got A-lebrities. 14 00:01:13,166 --> 00:01:16,920 - Each one has a buzzer. Howard goes... - (buzzer) 15 00:01:17,006 --> 00:01:18,997 - Danny goes... - (klaxon) 16 00:01:19,086 --> 00:01:21,122 - Jo goes... - (bell rings) 17 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:24,357 - Alan goes... - (cow moos) 18 00:01:29,806 --> 00:01:32,957 - And I go wee, wee, wee, all the way home. - (laughter) 19 00:01:33,046 --> 00:01:36,755 The rules are simple. I ask the questions, all of which are impossibly unfair, 20 00:01:36,807 --> 00:01:40,959 and give points for interesting answers, regardless of whether they're right or not. 21 00:01:41,047 --> 00:01:45,643 In a cruel twist of fate, I also take away points for answers which are not only wrong, 22 00:01:45,727 --> 00:01:48,321 but pathetically obvious. 23 00:01:48,407 --> 00:01:50,557 The first round tonight is called Answers. 24 00:01:50,647 --> 00:01:55,641 Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, the Victorian actor manager, once hailed a taxi and got in. 25 00:01:55,727 --> 00:01:58,161 When the cab driver asked, "Where to, guv?" 26 00:01:58,247 --> 00:02:01,876 Sir Herbert looked up from his work and answered: 27 00:02:01,967 --> 00:02:06,882 "Do you really think I would give my address to the likes of you?" 28 00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:10,198 In this round, I shall supply the questions about the questions 29 00:02:10,287 --> 00:02:13,324 and it's up to you to answer with the answers. 30 00:02:13,407 --> 00:02:19,721 So, what answer did the Nobel-prize-winning Danish physicist Niels Bohr give 31 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:24,198 when asked, "Why have you got a horseshoe on your wall?" 32 00:02:24,287 --> 00:02:26,517 - Alan. - Me? 33 00:02:27,207 --> 00:02:30,404 He hung it on the wall cos he didn't want to lose it. 34 00:02:30,487 --> 00:02:32,682 No. It's good... 35 00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:35,964 The ground was quite damp. He thought it might get rusty. 36 00:02:36,047 --> 00:02:38,322 - I like both of those. - It looked nice. 37 00:02:38,407 --> 00:02:41,683 Your previous answer reminded me of a story which I might as well come out with 38 00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:44,396 about the great Edith Evans 39 00:02:44,487 --> 00:02:47,524 who bought... in the 1930s, bought a Renoir painting, 40 00:02:47,607 --> 00:02:50,405 which, even in the 1930s, was a reasonably expensive thing to do. 41 00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:54,162 A friend was having tea with her and said, "Edith, have they..." 42 00:02:54,247 --> 00:02:58,763 "Have Sotheby's or Christie's delivered the Renoir yet?" She said, "Yes, it's here." 43 00:02:58,847 --> 00:03:02,396 She said, "Well, can I see it?" And she said, "It's over there." 44 00:03:02,487 --> 00:03:06,366 And very low down on the wall was this Renoir. 45 00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:09,803 The person - her friend - had to lift a curtain to get a proper look at it. 46 00:03:09,887 --> 00:03:13,277 She said, "Well, it's lovely, Edith, but why did you hang it there?" 47 00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:16,643 She said, "There was a hook." 48 00:03:18,487 --> 00:03:22,275 I think it typifies the British attitude towards art. 49 00:03:22,367 --> 00:03:26,963 I wonder if it was a horseshoe, because in Denmark they found in a bog 50 00:03:27,047 --> 00:03:29,242 the world's oldest brass instrument, 51 00:03:29,327 --> 00:03:35,846 which is shaped like that and it's called a Danish name like, "ooh", or "dooh". 52 00:03:35,927 --> 00:03:39,397 - It's bronze age, and it sounds a bit like... - (buzzer) 53 00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:41,955 - (Stephen) It really does. - So maybe that's... 54 00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:47,201 Can I just ask something, Howard? Bog as in mire or bog as in toilet? 55 00:03:47,287 --> 00:03:48,640 - Bog... - (laughter) 56 00:03:48,727 --> 00:03:52,242 It's confusing that it would be a brass instrument from the bronze age, wouldn't it? 57 00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:54,761 - Yes. - They'd really know what they were playing. 58 00:03:54,847 --> 00:03:58,886 It's certainly worth five points as interesting material. You definitely get your five points. 59 00:03:58,967 --> 00:04:01,527 Was it anything to do with Schrodinger's cat? 60 00:04:01,607 --> 00:04:05,646 It wasn't, though he was intimately associated with the physics behind Schrodinger's cat. 61 00:04:05,727 --> 00:04:10,039 Schrodinger's cat. It's a sort of quasi-philosophical problem. 62 00:04:10,127 --> 00:04:13,483 - (Danny) Go on. - (Jo sighs) 63 00:04:13,567 --> 00:04:17,526 - Oh, bollocks. - (Stephen) I think the idea is to leave... 64 00:04:17,607 --> 00:04:22,556 The idea is that you put a cat in a lead casket and close the lid 65 00:04:22,647 --> 00:04:25,605 and you can't know for sure once you've closed that lid 66 00:04:25,687 --> 00:04:27,678 whether the cat is alive or dead. 67 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:33,125 So it's a sort of philosophical problem about never being able to know. 68 00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:37,837 Absolutely right. Niels Bohr, of course, also said of quantum physics 69 00:04:37,927 --> 00:04:41,681 that if you're not shocked by it then you haven't understood it. 70 00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:46,363 - Yeah. It's like this show, isn't it? - (Stephen) Some bits. Thank you for that. 71 00:04:46,447 --> 00:04:49,598 The answer, "Of course," he said, "I don't believe in it, 72 00:04:49,687 --> 00:04:53,646 but I understand that it brings you luck whether you believe in it or not." 73 00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:57,241 Now, let's come to a second question. 74 00:04:57,327 --> 00:05:02,276 What did romantic novelist Barbara Cartland answer when asked in a radio interview: 75 00:05:02,367 --> 00:05:07,566 "Would you say that the barriers of the British class system have broken down"? 76 00:05:07,647 --> 00:05:11,322 - Who would like to answer that? - I don't know about the sound barriers, 77 00:05:11,407 --> 00:05:17,482 but I do know that Barbara Cartland invented the aeroplane-towed glider. 78 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,364 - Did you know that? - No! 79 00:05:19,447 --> 00:05:23,281 - (Danny) Barbara Cartland did? - Yes, she was a keen airswoman. 80 00:05:23,367 --> 00:05:27,076 And she invented pulling gliders by aeroplane. 81 00:05:27,167 --> 00:05:30,045 - This is marvellous. Five points. - I know one other thing about her, 82 00:05:30,127 --> 00:05:33,039 which is that when she was young, she moved into this house 83 00:05:33,127 --> 00:05:38,155 and she kept hearing this ghost of a young woman calling to her. 84 00:05:38,247 --> 00:05:40,841 Everybody said, "Mad novelist", and all that kind of thing. 85 00:05:40,927 --> 00:05:43,487 And later it was discovered 86 00:05:43,567 --> 00:05:49,324 that a young woman with fair hair had been bricked into the wall of her house. 87 00:05:49,407 --> 00:05:53,195 Workmen uncovered this skeleton behind the hearth, 88 00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:56,006 so from that moment on she believed that she really had heard a ghost 89 00:05:56,087 --> 00:05:59,557 and there really had been a ghost and that was who was calling out to her. 90 00:05:59,647 --> 00:06:01,683 Yes. That's not worth five points 91 00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:04,804 because almost every old woman I've ever met has a story like that, 92 00:06:04,887 --> 00:06:07,879 but we'll certainly give you five for the aeroplane glider. 93 00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:11,357 When you said aeroplane-towed, I thought you meant a toad. 94 00:06:11,447 --> 00:06:16,726 - Me too. - I thought she had forced wings on a toad 95 00:06:16,807 --> 00:06:22,040 and was chucking it across Berkshire, going, "I invented that." 96 00:06:23,167 --> 00:06:27,957 She was asked whether or not she thought British class barriers had been broken down. 97 00:06:28,047 --> 00:06:30,083 Do you know what her answer was? I'll tell you. 98 00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:35,719 She said, "Of course they have, or I wouldn't be sitting here talking to someone like you." 99 00:06:35,807 --> 00:06:38,480 - Quite right too. - Style. 100 00:06:38,567 --> 00:06:41,843 May not have been one of her properties, but nonetheless... 101 00:06:41,927 --> 00:06:46,682 She's got a very classy pair of handcuffs on though, hasn't she? Look at her. 102 00:06:47,687 --> 00:06:50,963 She's been arrested by someone very posh indeed. 103 00:06:51,047 --> 00:06:55,404 But you've got to say she's made the best of herself, haven't you, really? 104 00:06:55,487 --> 00:06:58,160 You're not actually seeing her there, you know. It's like the sun. 105 00:06:58,247 --> 00:07:04,243 You actually see the sun eight minutes ago cos the light takes eight minutes to get here. 106 00:07:04,327 --> 00:07:08,320 With her, what you're seeing, cos there's so much makeup, 107 00:07:08,407 --> 00:07:12,366 you're seeing her about 18 years ago. 108 00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:15,996 If you peeled away long enough... 109 00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:19,396 - So she was... - Like Lionel Richie. 110 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:23,479 - (Danny) Lionel Richie? - "Hello?" 111 00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:26,525 Explain Lionel Richie's connection. Is he very wrinkled? 112 00:07:26,607 --> 00:07:28,962 Because of the clay head. 113 00:07:30,007 --> 00:07:34,205 - The clay head! 0f course, the clay head. - The clay head. "Hello?" "Hello?" 114 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:37,563 "Is it me you're looking for?" 115 00:07:38,007 --> 00:07:42,000 Mick Jagger's got a great big head on a little body, if you ever meet him. 116 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:46,399 He looks like one of those New Orleans carnival heads when he comes towards you. 117 00:07:46,487 --> 00:07:51,720 I feel we've got an insight into what life would be like in an old-people's home. 118 00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:56,396 You know what? I can't wait to be in an old-people's home. 119 00:07:56,487 --> 00:07:58,682 Good. Now... 120 00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:05,445 Howard, what answer did the Spanish general and political leader 121 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:10,282 Ramon Blanco y Erenas give on his deathbed to the priest 122 00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:13,484 when asked, "Do you forgive your enemies?" 123 00:08:13,567 --> 00:08:16,525 - I'm sure it was in Spanish. - (Stephen) Yes, it will have been. 124 00:08:16,607 --> 00:08:19,485 - Was it, "I don't speak English"? - No. 125 00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:23,321 Last words, of course, Hancock: "Too many things have gone wrong too many times." 126 00:08:23,407 --> 00:08:26,205 What? Nick Hancock's killed himself? 127 00:08:26,287 --> 00:08:28,198 (Stephen) Please. 128 00:08:28,287 --> 00:08:32,439 I was in a room with Paul Merton and Nicholas Parsons, 129 00:08:32,527 --> 00:08:35,485 just to show off for a moment my show biz credentials. 130 00:08:35,567 --> 00:08:39,799 I'm gonna change that and I'm gonna suggest it was a sauna. 131 00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:42,686 Well... 132 00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:46,282 Start again. "I was in a sauna..." 133 00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:51,236 With a leakproof pen, obviously, because Paul Merton was writing on this piece of paper 134 00:08:51,327 --> 00:08:53,318 for quite a long time. 135 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:57,161 And Nicholas Parsons said to him, "Paul, what are you writing?" 136 00:08:57,247 --> 00:09:00,398 And Paul said, "It's a suicide note." 137 00:09:00,487 --> 00:09:04,162 And Nicholas said, "Oh." And then Paul said, "Sign here, Nicholas." 138 00:09:04,247 --> 00:09:07,876 Which I thought was rather good. It's a rather good joke. There we are. 139 00:09:07,967 --> 00:09:09,958 - Now... - Who's this Spanish fella? 140 00:09:10,047 --> 00:09:12,242 Spanish fellow. Ramon. Yeah. 141 00:09:12,327 --> 00:09:15,956 He was asked whether he forgave his enemies. He was asked on his deathbed. 142 00:09:16,047 --> 00:09:19,198 What he actually said was, "No, I don't have any enemies." 143 00:09:19,287 --> 00:09:21,721 "I've had them all shot." 144 00:09:21,807 --> 00:09:24,446 (laughter and applause) 145 00:09:29,807 --> 00:09:32,163 Well, the patron saint of QI 146 00:09:32,247 --> 00:09:36,763 is the ancient Roman Gaius Plinius Secundus, better known as Pliny the Elder. 147 00:09:36,847 --> 00:09:42,319 His Natural History is the great encyclopedia covering all human knowledge at the time. 148 00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,398 "Life", he said, "is my subject." 149 00:09:44,487 --> 00:09:50,676 And he estimated that the 37 volumes that he wrote contained 20,000 important facts 150 00:09:50,767 --> 00:09:53,042 derived from 2,000 books. 151 00:09:53,127 --> 00:09:56,676 The 28th book of his magnum opus is what concerns us now, 152 00:09:56,767 --> 00:09:59,281 packed, as it is, with antidotes. 153 00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:04,316 State-of-the-art remedies culled from the great medical minds of the ancient world. 154 00:10:04,407 --> 00:10:08,719 So, Danny, what does Pliny confidently expect to cure 155 00:10:08,807 --> 00:10:13,756 by recommending that the patient eats the heart of a black jackass outside - 156 00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:16,964 out-of-doors, that is - on the second day of the moon. 157 00:10:17,047 --> 00:10:18,958 Mumps. I have no idea. 158 00:10:19,047 --> 00:10:22,756 So, there was a suggestion once 159 00:10:22,847 --> 00:10:27,284 that the key to eternal life lies in the elbow, 160 00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:31,121 and if it can be consumed then you would live forever. 161 00:10:31,207 --> 00:10:35,837 Which is why nobody, no matter how hard you try, can actually lick their own elbows. 162 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,883 - Even though... - (Alan) We must all try. 163 00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:40,401 I know the audience are now desperate to have a go. 164 00:10:40,487 --> 00:10:42,682 It looks so attainable until you come to here, 165 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:46,806 and whether the theory came first or the curse came second - 166 00:10:46,887 --> 00:10:50,641 the idea that you cannot lick your elbow - but they say if you can, you will live forever. 167 00:10:50,727 --> 00:10:56,643 Is that how socialism was invented? Someone said, "Come, let us lick each other's elbows". 168 00:10:57,647 --> 00:11:00,684 - It doesn't work. - (laughter and applause) 169 00:11:02,207 --> 00:11:06,405 See, the thing is that no young man of licking age 170 00:11:06,487 --> 00:11:09,763 spent any time at all trying to lick his elbow, did he? 171 00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:14,955 The question was why would you eat the heart of a black jackass by the light of the moon. 172 00:11:15,047 --> 00:11:18,357 It must be something awfully serious you'd have wrong with you, 173 00:11:18,447 --> 00:11:21,803 cos the heart of a... Where do you get a black jackass anyway? 174 00:11:21,887 --> 00:11:23,479 - (Stephen) These days? - These days. 175 00:11:23,567 --> 00:11:27,116 - Kentucky Fried Jackass. - (laughter) 176 00:11:27,847 --> 00:11:29,439 - I'll tell you. - (Howard) Is it gout? 177 00:11:29,527 --> 00:11:32,917 It's not gout. It's not gout. It's actually epilepsy. 178 00:11:33,007 --> 00:11:36,079 Although he also prescribes for epilepsy 179 00:11:36,167 --> 00:11:40,319 the consumption of lightly poached bear's testes, 180 00:11:40,407 --> 00:11:43,717 a camel's brain, dried and taken with honey, 181 00:11:43,807 --> 00:11:48,835 or, in extremis, a draught of fresh gladiator's blood is good. 182 00:11:48,927 --> 00:11:51,680 He doesn't mention Tegretol then? 183 00:11:51,767 --> 00:11:57,000 - (Stephen) Is that the specific you favour? - Yes, it is. It's a specific drug for epilepsy. 184 00:11:57,087 --> 00:11:59,840 - (Stephen) Do you have epilepsy yourself? - No. 185 00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:02,964 - (Stephen) No. You know those who do? - (Alan) She knows loads about drugs. 186 00:12:03,607 --> 00:12:05,086 - (Stephen) Does she? - Yes. 187 00:12:05,167 --> 00:12:09,160 - Yeah. Cos she's a nurse. - And a drug addict. 188 00:12:12,167 --> 00:12:15,239 What would you think... Who shall we ask? Jo, I think. You're the medical person here. 189 00:12:15,327 --> 00:12:20,401 What would you think if I touched the tips of your genitals with linen or papyrus? 190 00:12:20,487 --> 00:12:23,126 (laughter) 191 00:12:23,207 --> 00:12:28,600 To be honest, Stephen, I'd be bloody impressed you found the tip. 192 00:12:28,687 --> 00:12:30,484 (laughter and applause) 193 00:12:36,887 --> 00:12:41,278 I'd say, "Stop trying to make the bed while I'm still in it." 194 00:12:44,247 --> 00:12:47,080 - I'd think it's something absorbent. - (Stephen) Yes. 195 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:52,605 It would suggest to me there was something coming out of the tip of Jo's genitals 196 00:12:52,687 --> 00:12:54,882 that you were hoping to absorb. 197 00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:57,037 (Stephen) And what affliction... 198 00:12:57,127 --> 00:12:59,846 What affliction might that suggest? 199 00:12:59,927 --> 00:13:03,158 - Stress incontinence. - (Stephen) That's right. Incontinence. 200 00:13:03,247 --> 00:13:06,398 Although, of course, you might opt, instead of the linen or papyrus, 201 00:13:06,487 --> 00:13:08,762 for the alternative cure for incontinence, 202 00:13:08,847 --> 00:13:14,479 which is to knock back a glass of sweet wine mixed liberally with ash of a burnt pig's penis, 203 00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:19,357 then urinating in your, or your neighbour's, dog's bed. 204 00:13:20,447 --> 00:13:22,165 None of this is made up. 205 00:13:22,247 --> 00:13:28,686 And I like... The pig would be there, going, "I'm glad to see you're still pissing happily." 206 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:31,042 "Where's my penis?" 207 00:13:31,127 --> 00:13:34,642 Now, Howard. Howard, Howard, Howard. Howardy, howardy hustard. 208 00:13:34,727 --> 00:13:37,878 After that, guessing the uses for a cream 209 00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:42,722 made with pig's lard and the rust from a chariot wheel should be easy for you. 210 00:13:42,807 --> 00:13:45,321 - He liked his pigs, didn't he? - (Stephen) He did. 211 00:13:45,407 --> 00:13:47,125 Suntan oil. 212 00:13:47,207 --> 00:13:52,042 Is it something to do with the gladiators? Does it repel lions? 213 00:13:52,127 --> 00:13:55,597 It's... I'll tell you what it is, actually, because I'd no idea at all myself. 214 00:13:55,687 --> 00:13:57,484 The actual answer is haemorrhoids. 215 00:13:57,567 --> 00:14:00,445 I can tell you anything you want to know about haemorrhoids. 216 00:14:00,527 --> 00:14:04,361 - (Stephen) Can you really? - Nothing on the market works. 217 00:14:04,807 --> 00:14:09,403 You might be interested in this, Alan, for haemorrhoids, is swan's fat. 218 00:14:09,487 --> 00:14:15,437 And you might consider rubbing the afflicted part with the urine of a she-goat. 219 00:14:15,527 --> 00:14:21,238 You have to find a middle-aged one that's got stress incontinence, then it's easy. 220 00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:24,319 It's better than supporting bloody immoral pharmaceutical companies 221 00:14:24,407 --> 00:14:27,922 - that are destroying our globe, actually. - (Alan) Yeah, they are, actually. 222 00:14:28,007 --> 00:14:30,805 They bloody are. They take hundreds of pounds off of me. 223 00:14:30,887 --> 00:14:32,718 (Stephen) Do they? Yeah? 224 00:14:32,807 --> 00:14:35,640 Well, there you are. 225 00:14:36,247 --> 00:14:42,482 Now, you might pity the poor Roman with a headache, for here, Pliny is quite unequivocal. 226 00:14:42,567 --> 00:14:47,402 A fox's genitals tied to the forehead is the surest route to relief for a headache. 227 00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,398 It's all pretty obvious, really. 228 00:14:49,487 --> 00:14:53,162 Where's the fox? Is the fox... Are they attached to the fox? 229 00:14:53,247 --> 00:14:55,124 I suspect they would be. 230 00:14:55,207 --> 00:15:00,122 Was he ever held up and said, "Rubbish. Take more water with it. None of this works"? 231 00:15:00,207 --> 00:15:02,243 These days, of course, as we know, 232 00:15:02,327 --> 00:15:05,319 a lot of antibiotics are beginning to work less and less well, 233 00:15:05,407 --> 00:15:08,797 and a great many people find themselves with infections that will not clear up. 234 00:15:08,887 --> 00:15:12,880 Two of the most popular cures for it at the moment are maggots, 235 00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:16,960 which are used in Western hospitals on a routine basis to clean up wounds, 236 00:15:17,047 --> 00:15:18,799 the other is New Zealand honey. 237 00:15:18,887 --> 00:15:21,481 - (buzzer) - (Stephen) Whoa! Whoa! 238 00:15:22,287 --> 00:15:23,800 Whoa. 239 00:15:23,887 --> 00:15:28,199 Bees. Did you know the British bee died out in the First World War? 240 00:15:28,287 --> 00:15:33,202 One of the little-known casualties of the First World War was the... I only know this cos... 241 00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:35,596 (Stephen) Was it the Somerset Regiment of bees? 242 00:15:35,687 --> 00:15:39,726 I've been to the cemetery. All those little white crosses about this big on a... 243 00:15:39,807 --> 00:15:45,723 What happened was all the bees in England got a terrible cold during the First World War 244 00:15:45,807 --> 00:15:48,958 and practically died out, and they imported Mexican bees 245 00:15:49,047 --> 00:15:53,120 and bees from all over everywhere else to start bees again. 246 00:15:53,207 --> 00:15:56,722 So all the bees that you think are ethnic British bees... 247 00:15:56,807 --> 00:16:00,880 - The British National Party, do they know? - (Stephen) The Bee NP? Yes. 248 00:16:00,967 --> 00:16:03,925 - The Bee NP. - Yes. They've changed their name. 249 00:16:04,007 --> 00:16:06,919 - One of my favourite jokes is about bees. - Oh, here we go. 250 00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:09,919 - It's not very long. - (Stephen) Good. 251 00:16:10,007 --> 00:16:13,761 Two beekeepers and one says, "How many bees have you got?" He says, "10,000 bees." 252 00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:16,839 He says, "How many hives have you got?" He says, "I've got 20 hives." 253 00:16:16,927 --> 00:16:19,999 "20 hives and 10,000 bees?" He says, "Yeah. How many bees have you got?" 254 00:16:20,887 --> 00:16:23,276 He says, "I've got a million bees." "A million bees?" 255 00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:26,279 He says, "Yeah." He says, "How many hives have you got?" "0ne." 256 00:16:26,367 --> 00:16:31,725 "A million bees, one hive?" He goes, "Yeah, (beep) 'em. They're only bees." 257 00:16:32,327 --> 00:16:34,795 (Stephen) Very nice. Very nice. 258 00:16:35,527 --> 00:16:38,997 A fellow goes into the cake shop, "I'd like to buy a wasp." He says, "We don't sell wasps." 259 00:16:39,087 --> 00:16:42,796 - He said, "There's one in your window." - (Stephen) There's one in the window! 260 00:16:42,887 --> 00:16:45,560 Alan. Take a question please. 261 00:16:46,007 --> 00:16:48,885 What about a piece of simple first aid in the home? 262 00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:52,755 How would the great Pliny deal with a lump of bread caught in the throat? 263 00:16:52,847 --> 00:16:55,520 Lump of bread caught in the throat. A common affliction. 264 00:16:55,607 --> 00:16:58,758 A cow's testes, 265 00:16:58,847 --> 00:17:01,998 fried lightly in goose fat 266 00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:04,760 with a coulis of monkey brains. 267 00:17:07,407 --> 00:17:11,161 - And then light, feathery, nettle meringue. - (buzzer) 268 00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:13,636 - Oh, hello. - I'm the only one using mine. 269 00:17:13,727 --> 00:17:15,718 - (bell rings) - There you are. 270 00:17:15,807 --> 00:17:17,957 - (Stephen) We're off. - (Danny) All right, then. 271 00:17:18,047 --> 00:17:20,925 - (klaxon) - (sheep bleats) 272 00:17:22,447 --> 00:17:25,837 - What was I saying? I'm totally distracted. - (Alan) Pliny. 273 00:17:26,607 --> 00:17:28,199 Do they send a pigeon in after the bread? 274 00:17:30,687 --> 00:17:34,680 (Stephen) No. What they do is they place a piece from the same loaf of bread in each ear. 275 00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:37,039 - Brilliant. - (Stephen) Isn't that good? 276 00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:39,687 It's obvious... when you think about it. 277 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:44,363 Sane, practical advice from one of the great observers of the human family. 278 00:17:44,447 --> 00:17:47,405 Indeed, so dedicated was Pliny to close observation 279 00:17:47,487 --> 00:17:49,876 that it was to be the death of him. 280 00:17:49,967 --> 00:17:55,439 As Vesuvius erupted in AD 79 - 24 August AD 79, of course - 281 00:17:55,527 --> 00:17:58,485 overcome with curiosity and keen to save his friends, 282 00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:02,003 he returned by boat to the about-to-be-engulfed city of Pompeii, 283 00:18:02,087 --> 00:18:05,238 protected by a pillow tied to his head with a napkin 284 00:18:05,327 --> 00:18:09,400 as an improvised crash-helmet-cum-gas-mask combo. 285 00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:13,446 He was suffocated by the fumes. Thus fell the most curious Roman of them all. 286 00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:16,121 Strange, isn't it, that we think of the Romans as noble architects 287 00:18:16,207 --> 00:18:20,678 and soldiers bestriding the arrow-straight roads and the coliseums of their vast empire, 288 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:24,077 when clearly they were mostly at home with the sniffles, 289 00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:29,321 festooned with the dangly bits of wild animals and sipping hot toddies made from their piss. 290 00:18:31,287 --> 00:18:34,085 Now, continuing our ancient Roman theme, 291 00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:37,398 it's quite interesting that ancient Britain was so unruly 292 00:18:37,487 --> 00:18:39,921 that it was the only province in the entire Roman Empire 293 00:18:40,007 --> 00:18:44,285 that had a permanent garrison of troops. All the others more or less governed themselves. 294 00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:47,086 The average strength of the Roman army was only 150,000 men, 295 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,318 plus about the same number of auxiliaries recruited from vassal states. 296 00:18:50,407 --> 00:18:53,080 More than a match for the ancient Danish army, 297 00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:58,446 which between 1104 and 1134 consisted of just seven men. 298 00:18:58,527 --> 00:19:01,325 Here are some questions about armies through the ages. 299 00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:05,036 You'd think, wouldn't you, that all armies are pretty much alike? But they're not. 300 00:19:05,127 --> 00:19:08,881 So, Danny, your question. What did 24 people last year... 301 00:19:08,967 --> 00:19:11,435 What did they have to thank the Swiss army for last year? 302 00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:14,439 - They have a navy, of course, even though... - The Swiss do have a navy. 303 00:19:14,527 --> 00:19:19,237 But here's something. The fourth largest navy in the world if one goes by boats alone - 304 00:19:19,327 --> 00:19:21,204 - Disney. - (Stephen) Get off. 305 00:19:21,287 --> 00:19:25,360 Disney has the fourth largest flotilla - navy - in the world. 306 00:19:25,447 --> 00:19:29,281 Good God. They'll be making films next. 307 00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:31,085 Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 308 00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:33,362 I know something about Switzerland. 309 00:19:33,447 --> 00:19:38,316 Switzerland has four official languages, none of which are used on their stamps. 310 00:19:38,407 --> 00:19:42,525 None of which is used on their stamps. Is that correct? 311 00:19:42,607 --> 00:19:44,802 - Well. - (Danny) You've done it again. 312 00:19:44,887 --> 00:19:47,924 - Again with the grammatical. - Again, already, already. 313 00:19:48,007 --> 00:19:52,125 - They use Latin on their stamps. - Latin. Helvetica, don't they? Yes. 314 00:19:52,207 --> 00:19:56,598 24 people a year are murdered by members of the Swiss army. 315 00:19:56,687 --> 00:19:58,484 Switzerland has only a small standing army, 316 00:19:58,567 --> 00:20:02,958 but the whole male population does military service as part of the national militia. 317 00:20:03,047 --> 00:20:06,198 Each man is issued with a fully automatic military assault rifle 318 00:20:06,287 --> 00:20:10,439 which he keeps locked up at home with exactly 72 rounds of live ammunition. 319 00:20:10,527 --> 00:20:13,519 Last year this resulted in 24 murders, which, believe it or not, 320 00:20:13,607 --> 00:20:18,806 is the third-highest rate of handgun murder per head for any country in the world. 321 00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,396 How did army medics in the Vietnam war 322 00:20:23,487 --> 00:20:29,198 prevent wounded US soldiers from swallowing their own tongues? 323 00:20:29,647 --> 00:20:33,799 - Why would they swallow their own tongues? - (Stephen) It's common when wounded. 324 00:20:33,887 --> 00:20:37,800 - They cut the tongue out. - No, they were sort of American about it. 325 00:20:37,887 --> 00:20:41,277 - Gave them a hamburger. - (laughter) 326 00:20:45,527 --> 00:20:47,643 Swallow that instead. 327 00:20:49,327 --> 00:20:51,887 No, they attached them with safety pins to their cheeks. 328 00:20:51,967 --> 00:20:55,846 - They pinned their tongues to their cheeks? - They pinned their tongues to their cheeks. 329 00:20:55,927 --> 00:20:58,043 Casualties, you know - and this is quite interesting - 330 00:20:58,127 --> 00:21:03,042 casualties in Vietnam were considerably higher than Iraq, but it's extraordinary to note 331 00:21:03,127 --> 00:21:07,643 that more American soldiers committed suicide after serving in Vietnam 332 00:21:07,727 --> 00:21:10,446 than were killed in combat. 333 00:21:10,527 --> 00:21:15,521 Now, Jo, what's rather attractive about the army of Costa Rica? 334 00:21:16,527 --> 00:21:18,836 They've got a pulse? 335 00:21:21,807 --> 00:21:24,367 Do they all look like Sir Bernard Ingham? 336 00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:30,245 I can give you an answer on what's attractive about the army of Costa Rica, 337 00:21:30,327 --> 00:21:33,876 in as much as it's attractive to those of us who are not that interested in war, 338 00:21:33,967 --> 00:21:40,156 which is that it doesn't exist. The country is so peaceful, the army was disbanded in 1949. 339 00:21:40,247 --> 00:21:44,479 Costa Rica is the only country in the world whose constitution forbids a national army. 340 00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:47,923 Instead, they make do with 560 varieties of butterflies, 341 00:21:48,007 --> 00:21:50,123 830 species of birds 342 00:21:50,207 --> 00:21:53,802 and 1200 kinds of orchid. Isn't that the kind of country you'd like to live in? 343 00:21:53,887 --> 00:21:58,324 Why hasn't somebody invaded them if they've got all that going on and no army? 344 00:21:58,407 --> 00:22:03,197 - I'm no warmonger, but... - I think you are. It's a beastly thing to say. 345 00:22:03,287 --> 00:22:07,599 The French statesman Talleyrand, 1754 to 1838 or thereabouts, 346 00:22:07,687 --> 00:22:13,080 once said, "I am more afraid of an army of 100 sheep led by a lion 347 00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:16,682 than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep." 348 00:22:16,767 --> 00:22:20,885 - Make of that what you will, but... - (Alan) He's an idiot. 349 00:22:21,367 --> 00:22:24,165 - (Stephen) Yes, well, will we... - I think he's talking metaphorically. 350 00:22:24,247 --> 00:22:27,045 - (Stephen) Yeah. - (sheep bleats) 351 00:22:29,167 --> 00:22:31,397 Now, who shall I ask this one to? 352 00:22:31,487 --> 00:22:35,480 Why are there no Alsatians in this Spanish army? Howard. 353 00:22:35,567 --> 00:22:38,001 I've no idea, but is it one of these things 354 00:22:38,087 --> 00:22:43,878 where the king made his dog or his donkey the next heir? Is it something to do with that? 355 00:22:43,967 --> 00:22:48,643 It's not actually. It's a rather bizarre reason. I'll tell you because it is quite interesting. 356 00:22:48,727 --> 00:22:52,879 The minimum IQ required to be in the Spanish army is 70, 357 00:22:52,967 --> 00:22:55,640 and Alsatians only have an IQ of 60. 358 00:22:56,647 --> 00:23:00,322 - That's literally true. The Alsatian... - An Alsatian has an IQ of 60? 359 00:23:00,407 --> 00:23:04,082 If you said, "If two trains set off from Plymouth, 360 00:23:05,087 --> 00:23:09,239 one going at 30 miles an hour, one at 40 miles an hour, what time will they get there? 361 00:23:09,327 --> 00:23:10,806 (barks) 362 00:23:12,367 --> 00:23:15,882 - They've got dolphins in the American navy. - Wasn't that funny in the war? 363 00:23:15,967 --> 00:23:20,722 When they let the dolphins out to go and hunt for mines and they buggered off. 364 00:23:20,807 --> 00:23:24,322 You see, that does prove their intelligence, doesn't it? 365 00:23:24,767 --> 00:23:27,235 That's enough armies. Let's move on. 366 00:23:27,327 --> 00:23:29,761 (applause) 367 00:23:32,727 --> 00:23:34,797 Now, it's to the traditional last round, 368 00:23:34,887 --> 00:23:38,118 an assembly of astoundment entitled General Ignorance. 369 00:23:38,207 --> 00:23:43,327 Fingers on the buzzers, please, for this intensely competitive finale. 370 00:23:43,407 --> 00:23:46,558 What noise does the largest frog in the world make? 371 00:23:46,647 --> 00:23:49,207 - (sheep bleats) - (laughter) 372 00:23:51,407 --> 00:23:55,685 (Stephen) Very good. Very good. That's your answer. Excellent. Any other thoughts? 373 00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:57,678 - Ribbit. Really loud. - (alarm bells) 374 00:23:57,767 --> 00:24:01,396 Who said ribbit? Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Ribbit. 375 00:24:01,487 --> 00:24:04,524 - How do you spell ribbit? 0h, like that. - That's apparently how you spell it. 376 00:24:04,607 --> 00:24:07,644 That's "rabbit" in New Zealand. 377 00:24:09,367 --> 00:24:13,838 (New Zealand accent) I've been out shooting ribbits. 378 00:24:14,967 --> 00:24:19,995 - (Stephen) I will tell you the sound... - (Alan) No, don't tell us. I want you to do it. 379 00:24:20,087 --> 00:24:22,760 - I'll give you my party impression. - Is it a metallic noise? 380 00:24:22,847 --> 00:24:27,875 No, although there are frogs that do that. No, I'll give you... This is it. It's... 381 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,242 (electronic croak) 382 00:24:30,327 --> 00:24:34,559 No, it isn't that. It's not that at all. No, that's the sound people being amusing, 383 00:24:34,647 --> 00:24:40,324 because, in fact, the 3ft-long goliath frog of Cameroon and Equatorial Guinea is mute. 384 00:24:40,407 --> 00:24:46,243 Entirely mute. It makes no noise at all. There are 4,360 known species of frog, 385 00:24:46,327 --> 00:24:49,717 but only one of them, in fact, Alan, goes ribbit. 386 00:24:50,527 --> 00:24:52,518 Each species has its own unique call. 387 00:24:52,607 --> 00:24:55,485 The reason that everyone thinks all frogs - and this is true... 388 00:24:55,567 --> 00:24:57,956 The reason that everyone thinks all frogs go ribbit 389 00:24:58,047 --> 00:25:02,757 is that ribbit is the distinctive call of the Southern Pacific tree frog. 390 00:25:02,847 --> 00:25:04,838 This is the frog that lives in Hollywood. 391 00:25:04,927 --> 00:25:08,886 Recorded locally, it has been plastered all over the movies for decades 392 00:25:08,967 --> 00:25:12,482 to enhance the atmosphere of anywhere from the Everglades to Vietnamese jungles. 393 00:25:12,567 --> 00:25:16,719 Frogs actually make a huge variety of noises. They croak, snore, grunt, trill, 394 00:25:16,807 --> 00:25:19,367 cluck, chirp, ring, whoop, whistle and growl. 395 00:25:19,447 --> 00:25:21,358 They make noises like sheep... 396 00:25:21,447 --> 00:25:26,043 They also say, "It's not easy being green". 397 00:25:28,047 --> 00:25:29,878 (Stephen) Bless. 398 00:25:32,567 --> 00:25:35,639 Frogs make noises like sheep, like cattle, like squirrels and crickets. 399 00:25:35,727 --> 00:25:38,036 The barking tree frog yaps like a dog, 400 00:25:38,127 --> 00:25:41,802 the carpenter frog sounds like two carpenters hammering nails out of sync, 401 00:25:41,887 --> 00:25:45,880 and Fowler's toad makes noises like a band of Red Indians whooping. 402 00:25:45,967 --> 00:25:50,643 Most female frogs, like the goliath frog, make no noise at all. 403 00:25:50,727 --> 00:25:55,847 - (bell rings) - We can't get a bloody word in edgeways. 404 00:25:55,927 --> 00:25:58,487 (laughter and applause) 405 00:25:58,967 --> 00:26:04,200 Next question. Fingers on buzzers. What is 40 poles long and four poles wide? 406 00:26:04,287 --> 00:26:06,357 - Is it a regiment in the Polish army? - (alarm bells) 407 00:26:06,447 --> 00:26:08,642 Oh, I'm so sorry. 408 00:26:08,727 --> 00:26:10,957 Oh, dear. It was considered obvious. 409 00:26:11,047 --> 00:26:14,483 I don't know. That's cruel. Oh, and all that hard work. 410 00:26:14,567 --> 00:26:16,956 It's quite simple. It's the acre. 411 00:26:17,047 --> 00:26:21,040 The pole, otherwise known as a rod or a perch, is five and a half yards. 412 00:26:21,127 --> 00:26:24,085 An acre is 4,840 square yards, 413 00:26:24,167 --> 00:26:26,840 or ten cricket pitches long by one wide. 414 00:26:26,927 --> 00:26:31,842 It's also the same as 11.3 basketball courts or 3.9 0lympic swimming pools. 415 00:26:31,927 --> 00:26:33,758 As if you care. 416 00:26:33,847 --> 00:26:39,479 Now, what was used to open the Chicago World Fair in 1933? 417 00:26:39,927 --> 00:26:41,679 - This is a goody. - Yes. 418 00:26:42,407 --> 00:26:46,241 - (mumbles) What was used to open... 0h... - No one say anything. 419 00:26:47,567 --> 00:26:51,640 (Stephen) Shall I put you out of your misery? It's a very good one. If you know, you know. 420 00:26:51,727 --> 00:26:53,718 - The answer is this. - (Alan) Not booze? 421 00:26:53,807 --> 00:26:55,525 Arcturus. 422 00:26:55,607 --> 00:27:00,044 The brightest star in the northern hemisphere, and the fourth brightest in the night sky. 423 00:27:00,127 --> 00:27:03,039 The idea was that the 1933 fair 424 00:27:03,127 --> 00:27:07,917 would be opened by light which had set off from Arcturus in 1893, 425 00:27:08,007 --> 00:27:11,443 the date of the previous Chicago fair, 40 years before, 426 00:27:11,527 --> 00:27:14,485 Arcturus being 40 light years from Earth. 427 00:27:14,567 --> 00:27:18,526 So one end of a telescope was pointed at the star and the other end at a photocell. 428 00:27:18,607 --> 00:27:20,802 When enough light had collected in the photocell, 429 00:27:20,887 --> 00:27:24,562 it tripped a switch and turned on all the lights of the fair. Very cunning. 430 00:27:24,647 --> 00:27:27,161 But not quite cunning enough because scientists now know 431 00:27:27,247 --> 00:27:30,683 that Arcturus is not 40 light years away from Earth, but 34. 432 00:27:30,767 --> 00:27:36,603 Or 36.7, or 37, or, according to one typically reliable internet source, 70. 433 00:27:36,687 --> 00:27:39,884 So, it's time for the final scores. 434 00:27:39,967 --> 00:27:43,926 Well, well, well. Alan, I'm afraid, still in fourth place with eight points. 435 00:27:44,007 --> 00:27:47,920 - Eight points! - Jo, third with 13 points. 436 00:27:48,007 --> 00:27:51,124 In second place with 17 quite interesting points is Howard. 437 00:27:51,207 --> 00:27:54,199 - It was the Polish army, wasn't it? - (Stephen) It was, I'm afraid. 438 00:27:54,287 --> 00:27:57,324 0therwise you would've been way out in front. 439 00:27:57,407 --> 00:28:01,559 - However, our winner is Danny Baker. - Thank you very much. 440 00:28:01,647 --> 00:28:03,763 (applause) 441 00:28:06,527 --> 00:28:10,679 Well, it only remains for me to remind any young people watching 442 00:28:10,767 --> 00:28:13,679 of the horrendous dangers of playing truant from school 443 00:28:13,767 --> 00:28:16,600 by pointing at Jo, Alan, Howard and Danny, 444 00:28:16,687 --> 00:28:18,803 and to say something quite interesting to finish. 445 00:28:18,887 --> 00:28:22,436 In keeping with tonight's theme of antidotes and answers, 446 00:28:22,527 --> 00:28:26,918 it's a report of a medical emergency almost as ancient as Pliny, from the Daily Mirror. 447 00:28:27,007 --> 00:28:29,316 Last Christmas, shoppers in a local supermarket 448 00:28:29,407 --> 00:28:32,319 were distressed to see an old lady collapse. 449 00:28:32,407 --> 00:28:36,923 They gathered round sympathetically and a doctor who happened to be passing 450 00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:41,364 correctly diagnosed her as suffering from hypothermia. This was later confirmed, 451 00:28:41,447 --> 00:28:47,079 but found to be aggravated by the stolen frozen chicken hidden in her fur hat. 452 00:28:47,167 --> 00:28:49,806 - Good night. - (applause)