1 00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:25,716 (applause) 2 00:00:31,836 --> 00:00:35,465 Hello. Hello and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:35,556 --> 00:00:38,514 the programme that was originally entitled Fry's Turkish Delight 4 00:00:38,596 --> 00:00:43,306 because it's pink and squashy and comes immediately before a cigarette. 5 00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:47,187 Let's meet the panel now, who are not merely interesting, 6 00:00:47,276 --> 00:00:49,346 but a world-class medical curiosity. 7 00:00:49,436 --> 00:00:51,552 - Alan Davies. - (applause) 8 00:00:51,636 --> 00:00:53,547 Jo Brand. 9 00:00:53,636 --> 00:00:55,149 Jackie Clune. 10 00:00:55,236 --> 00:00:57,625 - And Jimmy Carr. - (applause continues) 11 00:01:00,796 --> 00:01:05,506 There are only two rules. Interesting answers get points and obvious answers get penalties. 12 00:01:05,596 --> 00:01:07,712 Anyone can butt in at any time. 13 00:01:07,796 --> 00:01:12,586 - Jo goes... - (woman) Ñashier number one, please. 14 00:01:12,676 --> 00:01:16,510 ...Jimmy goes... - (woman) Ñashier number two, please. 15 00:01:16,596 --> 00:01:20,032 ...Jackie goes... - (woman) Ñashier number three, please. 16 00:01:20,116 --> 00:01:22,505 ...Alan goes... - (PA chimes) 17 00:01:22,596 --> 00:01:28,034 (man) I am very sorry for the severe delay to the 8.17 service. 18 00:01:28,116 --> 00:01:31,552 Fingers on the buzzers, please, for the first question, which is: 19 00:01:31,636 --> 00:01:33,467 "Who discovered Australia?" 20 00:01:36,476 --> 00:01:38,785 - (laughter) - (bell chimes) 21 00:01:38,876 --> 00:01:43,347 - James Cook. - Oh, Jo, I'm so sorry. 22 00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:48,351 No, apart from the Aborigines, it was the Chinese, who reached it as early as 1432. 23 00:01:48,436 --> 00:01:50,825 When Cook arrived - James Cook - in 1770, 24 00:01:50,916 --> 00:01:55,432 not only was he not first, he wasn't a captain either. He was Lieutenant Cook. 25 00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:59,225 Nor was he the first European. The Dutch had got there 150 years before that. 26 00:01:59,316 --> 00:02:04,344 Nor was he even the first Englishman, who was William Dampier in 1688. 27 00:02:05,436 --> 00:02:06,425 (Alan) What's wrong with the Chinese and the Dutch? 28 00:02:06,516 --> 00:02:10,145 The Dutch discovered almost everything first, but they're just thought of as people... 29 00:02:10,236 --> 00:02:12,875 homosexuals who smoke joints. 30 00:02:14,156 --> 00:02:17,466 Actually there's a lot more to them than that. A lot more. 31 00:02:17,556 --> 00:02:21,993 But what is it with the Chinese that they went round early on, then never went anywhere, 32 00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:25,591 just stayed home and bred ferociously? 33 00:02:25,676 --> 00:02:30,113 We're wandering around the globe, and this is a good thing, but I'll return us to Australia. 34 00:02:30,196 --> 00:02:33,552 It has, of course, been inhabited by Aborigines for at least 40,000 years, 35 00:02:33,636 --> 00:02:38,505 possibly as many as 60,000, so if anyone gets the credit, it should be them. 36 00:02:38,596 --> 00:02:42,066 But what nationality were the original aborigines? 37 00:02:42,156 --> 00:02:44,750 (dog barks) 38 00:02:46,156 --> 00:02:47,475 (Stephen) Yes? 39 00:02:47,556 --> 00:02:51,390 They came... they came across a land bridge 40 00:02:51,476 --> 00:02:55,992 which was later separated by shifting of tectonic plates. 41 00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:57,589 (Jo) Oooh! 42 00:02:57,676 --> 00:03:02,704 So they will have come from Southeast Asia, probably. 43 00:03:02,796 --> 00:03:06,584 So I would say they were... Chinese. 44 00:03:06,676 --> 00:03:08,394 (laughter) 45 00:03:08,476 --> 00:03:11,593 I know what you're thinking. It's certainly true that Australia was connected. 46 00:03:11,676 --> 00:03:14,315 It separated, which is why they have marsupials. 47 00:03:14,396 --> 00:03:16,864 And why they have all their own brands of lager. 48 00:03:16,956 --> 00:03:19,106 (Stephen) Exactly. 49 00:03:19,836 --> 00:03:24,466 I want you to think not Australian. The first aboriginals were nothing to do with Australia. 50 00:03:24,556 --> 00:03:27,866 Where was the term aborigine first used for peoples? 51 00:03:27,956 --> 00:03:30,709 Was it in the Isle of Wight? 52 00:03:31,716 --> 00:03:36,267 A wild stab. It could so easily have been right. No, it wasn't. 53 00:03:36,356 --> 00:03:40,110 - It's the word for the indigenous population. - (Stephen) The Latin for the origin. 54 00:03:40,196 --> 00:03:43,711 The original aborigines lived in the part of Italy where Rome now stands. 55 00:03:43,796 --> 00:03:45,946 And they were called aborigines and so... 56 00:03:46,036 --> 00:03:49,153 It, for some reason, has stuck most with the Aboriginal Australasians, 57 00:03:49,236 --> 00:03:52,945 but there are aboriginal Canadians, you could call the American Indians, 58 00:03:53,036 --> 00:03:56,392 or Native Americans, you could call them aboriginals if you wanted. 59 00:03:56,476 --> 00:04:00,389 - But it's more fun to call them redskins. - Yes. 60 00:04:00,476 --> 00:04:06,949 I wouldn't try it, though, in America. You'd have your balls turned into a small purse. 61 00:04:07,036 --> 00:04:12,554 - We're doing very well. Now, what does... - A very big purse, I think you'll find. 62 00:04:12,636 --> 00:04:17,027 - What am I thinking of? - I'd have my balls turned into a rucksack. 63 00:04:18,516 --> 00:04:21,269 (Stephen) Oh, dear! 64 00:04:21,356 --> 00:04:23,870 Good. Now... 65 00:04:23,956 --> 00:04:29,713 It is actually possible for the ball sac to be stretched quite beyond recognition. 66 00:04:31,156 --> 00:04:34,068 By a woman scorned. 67 00:04:34,716 --> 00:04:40,586 The scrotum is quite an interesting thing because the... the... the... 68 00:04:40,676 --> 00:04:43,429 I'm gonna write that down. 69 00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:49,386 The temperature ambit within which human sperm can survive is quite narrow. 70 00:04:49,476 --> 00:04:54,027 - Do sperms feel pain? - (laughter) 71 00:04:54,996 --> 00:04:57,829 - I think... - Are they like fish? We're not sure. 72 00:04:57,916 --> 00:05:00,066 Do they have a nervous system? Do they feel pain? 73 00:05:00,156 --> 00:05:04,115 Because I have it on good authority that the sperm outside the ball sac - 74 00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:09,350 ejaculatum - will survive for 18 hours. Now is that a lingering... 75 00:05:09,436 --> 00:05:13,429 - Flopping and thrashing around. - Well, it depends whether they're... 76 00:05:13,516 --> 00:05:19,227 Eventually, like, billions of them dying out, one last sperm... 77 00:05:19,316 --> 00:05:25,869 I think they prefer the quick death of banging their head on the ceiling and just dying. 78 00:05:25,956 --> 00:05:28,629 But it depends whether they're male or female sperm. 79 00:05:28,716 --> 00:05:31,230 Boy sperm swim faster, but don't live as long. 80 00:05:31,316 --> 00:05:33,193 - Are there male and female sperm? - Yes. 81 00:05:33,276 --> 00:05:37,747 The girl sperm do the bloody hoovering and the washing-up. 82 00:05:39,436 --> 00:05:44,908 I always thought testicles were the perfect environment to test anti-ageing cream. 83 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,865 So, what does the word kangaroo mean 84 00:05:49,956 --> 00:05:53,028 in the Baagandji Aboriginal language of New South Wales? 85 00:05:53,116 --> 00:05:54,105 (buzzer) 86 00:05:54,196 --> 00:05:56,187 - Yes? - Skippy. 87 00:05:56,276 --> 00:05:59,154 - (Stephen) How sweet. - I think I know. 88 00:05:59,236 --> 00:06:02,911 Unless it's apocryphal. It might be one of the obvious answers. I'm nervous about saying it. 89 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,385 - Say it. Say it. - Does it mean "I don't know"? 90 00:06:05,476 --> 00:06:08,752 - Oh! Oh, dear. Oh! Oh! - (alarm bells) 91 00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,747 I've walked into it like a fool. 92 00:06:10,836 --> 00:06:14,306 It is an apocryphal story that... that... Tell it. 93 00:06:14,396 --> 00:06:17,627 Well, the story is that when the first white settlers went over there, 94 00:06:17,716 --> 00:06:21,834 they sort of saw these enormous jumping things with little... They saw kangaroos, 95 00:06:21,916 --> 00:06:25,670 and they went, "What's that?" And the bloke went, "I don't know." 96 00:06:25,756 --> 00:06:28,873 And in Baagandji, "I don't know" was (funny accent) "kangaroo". Yes. 97 00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:32,585 - That is a story that is put about, but... - Is that the proper accent? 98 00:06:32,676 --> 00:06:34,985 Or is that your random accent? 99 00:06:35,076 --> 00:06:40,150 - It's my generic... I'm afraid, my generic... - How did he pronounce it? Do that again. 100 00:06:40,236 --> 00:06:43,831 - (funny accent) Kangaroo. - It sounds authentic. 101 00:06:44,276 --> 00:06:48,667 You sound like a minicab driver from Stoke Newington. 102 00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:51,873 No, I'll tell you the story. In a strange way, it's sort of less interesting, 103 00:06:51,956 --> 00:06:57,189 but, being the truth, it's quite interesting. In Baagandji what it means is "horse", 104 00:06:57,276 --> 00:07:01,155 because in 18th-century Australia there were 700 Aboriginal tribes 105 00:07:01,236 --> 00:07:04,592 speaking 250 separate languages between them. 106 00:07:04,676 --> 00:07:08,385 Kangaroo comes from the Guugu Yimithirr language, 107 00:07:08,476 --> 00:07:14,073 spoken around Botany Bay and first heard by Europeans on Cook's expedition in 1770. 108 00:07:14,156 --> 00:07:17,990 Now, when the first English settlers arrived 18 years later, 109 00:07:18,076 --> 00:07:20,510 having learned the word kangaroo from these peoples, 110 00:07:20,596 --> 00:07:24,509 they arrived in a completely different part of Australia. "Kangaroo." I beg your pardon. 111 00:07:24,596 --> 00:07:27,713 So wherever they went, they proudly used the word kangaroo to the locals, 112 00:07:27,796 --> 00:07:31,505 who of course had never heard the word because they spoke a different language. 113 00:07:31,596 --> 00:07:36,386 So the locals, including the Baagandji, thought it must mean an animal we've never heard of. 114 00:07:36,476 --> 00:07:41,470 So when they first saw a horse, they thought that must be what this word "kangaroo" is. 115 00:07:41,556 --> 00:07:44,753 So, let me whisk you now across the Indian Ocean to Africa, 116 00:07:44,836 --> 00:07:48,067 the cradle of humanity, for this important buzzer question. 117 00:07:48,156 --> 00:07:51,751 What did human beings evolve from? Yes, Jo? 118 00:07:51,836 --> 00:07:54,304 - Apes. - Oh, Jo! 119 00:07:54,396 --> 00:07:57,149 - (alarm bells) - Jo, Jo, Jo, Jo, Jo! 120 00:07:58,836 --> 00:08:02,590 Homo sapiens and apes both evolved from a common ancestor, 121 00:08:02,676 --> 00:08:04,826 which unfortunately we haven't yet discovered. 122 00:08:04,916 --> 00:08:07,305 - (Jo) The missing link? - The missing link. Exactly. 123 00:08:07,396 --> 00:08:11,025 Before that we are descended from squirrel-like tree shrews, 124 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:15,792 who were, in turn, evolved from hedgehogs, and, before that, starfish. 125 00:08:16,476 --> 00:08:17,750 Now, another... 126 00:08:17,836 --> 00:08:21,192 Do you know why there aren't any aspirins in the jungle? 127 00:08:21,276 --> 00:08:24,393 - The parrots ate 'em all. - (Stephen) Yes. 128 00:08:24,476 --> 00:08:27,832 - All right, I'll go home now. - Are we telling bad jungle-related jokes? 129 00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:30,510 - No, you're not, I am. - Why did the lion get lost? 130 00:08:30,596 --> 00:08:35,750 - (Stephen and Jackie) I don't know. - Cos jungle is massive. 131 00:08:35,836 --> 00:08:38,304 (applause) 132 00:08:38,396 --> 00:08:42,867 How do monkeys make toast? They put it under a griller. 133 00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,435 I'm sorry. 134 00:08:45,516 --> 00:08:47,950 Another African anthropology question now. 135 00:08:48,036 --> 00:08:52,905 How did the Hehe tribe of Tanzania get their name? 136 00:08:52,996 --> 00:08:56,875 - Yes? - They sent off a little coupon in the paper. 137 00:08:58,716 --> 00:09:02,470 I think you've pronounced that wrong. I think it's the "Heyhey". 138 00:09:02,556 --> 00:09:04,865 And they were an early boy band 139 00:09:04,956 --> 00:09:08,744 and they used to sing, "Hey, hey, we're the Monkees". 140 00:09:08,836 --> 00:09:10,872 (laughter and applause) 141 00:09:13,196 --> 00:09:16,347 Perhaps they're the missing link. You never know. 142 00:09:16,436 --> 00:09:19,792 - (Stephen) Yeah. - I'm sure that Zaire isn't Zaire any more. 143 00:09:19,876 --> 00:09:23,789 Well, it's confusing. It's the Democratic Republic of the Congo there, isn't it? 144 00:09:23,876 --> 00:09:28,188 - Isn't that what that is now? Kinshasa? - It's not that democratic, is it? 145 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,915 (Stephen) No, it's highly not democratic. It calls itself that. 146 00:09:30,996 --> 00:09:33,669 I think anything with "democratic" in the name tends not to be at all. 147 00:09:33,756 --> 00:09:36,554 - (Stephen) Absolutely. - As a rule. 148 00:09:36,636 --> 00:09:40,265 But if they were gonna call it "The Fascist Junta of..." 149 00:09:40,356 --> 00:09:44,474 - You'd respect them. Truth-telling. - You would. I'd let them in the UN. 150 00:09:44,556 --> 00:09:47,992 The biggest mountain in Africa is in Tanzania. 151 00:09:48,076 --> 00:09:51,751 It's Mount Kilimanjaro. It has a permanent snowy peak. 152 00:09:51,836 --> 00:09:54,828 Could I just pop in a quite interesting thing here? 153 00:09:54,916 --> 00:09:58,829 A friend of mine was playing Trivial Pursuit once and the question she got was: 154 00:09:58,916 --> 00:10:02,545 "Which two countries can you see from the top of Mount Kilimanjaro?" 155 00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:06,754 - And she said India and Spain. - (laughter) 156 00:10:08,636 --> 00:10:10,672 - (Stephen) Can we have her on next week? - You can. 157 00:10:10,756 --> 00:10:12,428 (Stephen) Fantastic. 158 00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:15,474 Well, just let me do one more of hers, cos it was fantastic. 159 00:10:15,556 --> 00:10:20,949 She got a question, "What's the other name for the northern lights?" She said, "Blackpool". 160 00:10:21,036 --> 00:10:23,504 - (Stephen) Splendid. - (applause) 161 00:10:23,596 --> 00:10:29,114 There's a really good website you can go on which is true answers from Family Fortunes. 162 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,869 - (Jackie) Oh, brilliant. - Fantastic. And there was one... 163 00:10:31,956 --> 00:10:35,107 A person was asked, "Name a bird with a long neck." 164 00:10:35,196 --> 00:10:37,391 And they said, "Naomi Campbell". 165 00:10:39,316 --> 00:10:41,830 I was very keen on the, "Name a dangerous race." 166 00:10:41,916 --> 00:10:44,555 - (Alan) Oh, the Arabs? - Yeah. 167 00:10:45,716 --> 00:10:47,593 - (Stephen) No. Really? - Yeah. 168 00:10:47,676 --> 00:10:51,430 - I watched that Anne Robinson one once... - (Jo) The Weakest Link? 169 00:10:51,516 --> 00:10:55,225 Weakest Link. And she said, "Which member of the royal family 170 00:10:55,316 --> 00:10:59,628 - appeared on A Question of Sport in 1979?" - (Alan) Princess Anne. 171 00:10:59,716 --> 00:11:04,790 Yes. The answer that the person gave was Ricky Tomlinson. 172 00:11:06,076 --> 00:11:10,592 Which I thought was rather appealing, but there you are. 173 00:11:10,676 --> 00:11:12,871 - Isn't that good? I like that. - (Jimmy) Marvellous. 174 00:11:12,956 --> 00:11:18,235 Good old Britain. Here we are. Now... So how did the Hehe tribe of Tanzania get its name? 175 00:11:18,316 --> 00:11:21,433 Answer, it was its war cry. It had a feared battle cry. 176 00:11:21,516 --> 00:11:25,953 The Hehe people were the dominant military force in the region in the late 19th century, 177 00:11:26,036 --> 00:11:30,985 and the most successful at resisting colonisation by the Germans. 178 00:11:31,076 --> 00:11:35,866 Not as amusing as they sound. In Swaziland, not far away, there is only one museum, 179 00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:40,234 and it is bad manners to shield one's eyes from the sun with one hand, 180 00:11:40,316 --> 00:11:43,911 and forbidden to point at the king's hut. 181 00:11:43,996 --> 00:11:45,907 National service in Swaziland 182 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:50,069 consists of weeding the king's millet fields for two weeks a year. 183 00:11:50,156 --> 00:11:54,707 The penalty for not showing up is a fine of one cow. Now... 184 00:11:54,796 --> 00:11:57,708 It's a very difficult rule to enforce, the not pointing at the king's hut. 185 00:11:57,796 --> 00:12:00,105 - (Stephen) Yes, isn't it? - How do you explain to people... 186 00:12:00,196 --> 00:12:02,869 - (Stephen) Where it is. - "Don't point at the king's hut." 187 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:07,268 And they go, "Which one's the king's hut?" And they go, "That one. Oh!" 188 00:12:07,356 --> 00:12:09,153 - (Stephen) Very good. - "I can't believe it." 189 00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:13,027 Now, explain to me, why did the Speaker of the Swazi parliament 190 00:12:13,116 --> 00:12:15,107 lose his job in June 2000? 191 00:12:15,196 --> 00:12:18,905 He shielded his eyes and went, "That's the king's hut, that is." 192 00:12:18,996 --> 00:12:22,875 The economy of Swaziland is run on one thing and one thing alone, and that is the cow. 193 00:12:22,956 --> 00:12:26,346 - (bell chimes) - Did he steal the king's hut? 194 00:12:26,436 --> 00:12:27,585 Indeed he didn't. 195 00:12:27,676 --> 00:12:32,591 I'll tell you what he did. He stole a cowpat belonging to His Majesty King Mswati III. 196 00:12:32,676 --> 00:12:37,591 Mr Dlamini took the item from the royal kraal to help him perform a magic spell 197 00:12:37,676 --> 00:12:42,511 to benefit the whole country and His Majesty in person, or so he alleged in his defence. 198 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:47,716 The king of Swaziland is an absolute monarch who rules jointly with his mother, 199 00:12:47,796 --> 00:12:50,026 known as the Great She-Elephant. 200 00:12:50,116 --> 00:12:52,152 Whenever he rises from his seat, 201 00:12:52,236 --> 00:12:55,751 he must be greeted with cheers and gasps of astounded admiration. 202 00:12:55,836 --> 00:12:59,033 - I know an interesting fact about his mum. - (Stephen) The Great She-Elephant? 203 00:12:59,116 --> 00:13:03,394 - Yeah. She's got a really good memory. - (laughter) 204 00:13:04,156 --> 00:13:07,546 Jo, you're having a wonderful time with yourself. 205 00:13:07,436 --> 00:13:11,145 Now, anthropology is the study of mankind in all its diversity, 206 00:13:11,236 --> 00:13:16,390 so tell me, which hand did King Henry VIII of England wipe his bottom with? 207 00:13:16,476 --> 00:13:18,831 - (bell rings) - Anne Boleyn's. 208 00:13:20,516 --> 00:13:22,507 Lovely image! Yes, Jo? 209 00:13:22,596 --> 00:13:27,590 Can I suggest, in the hope I get a "waaah", that he used someone else's - a servant? 210 00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:32,796 No, you get your full... I'll give you five points for that, because it's absolutely right. Yes. 211 00:13:32,876 --> 00:13:37,188 I bet that it's one of those jobs that's so unpleasant and awful, 212 00:13:37,276 --> 00:13:40,074 it's actually given really high status in the royal household. 213 00:13:40,156 --> 00:13:42,716 You are absolutely right! 214 00:13:42,796 --> 00:13:46,948 - To make it bearable, you get privileges. - Aristocrats would fight over this job. 215 00:13:47,036 --> 00:13:51,712 Were you the keeper of the king's chocolate starfish or something? 216 00:13:51,796 --> 00:13:56,108 Well, no, you were called the groom of the stool. 217 00:13:57,396 --> 00:14:00,354 A palace assistant. Despite its disgusting-sounding nature, 218 00:14:00,436 --> 00:14:04,714 it was a hugely important position, as Alan intimated and gets two points for doing so. 219 00:14:04,796 --> 00:14:09,790 The Autocue says it was a "big job", but I'm not going to read that bit. 220 00:14:09,876 --> 00:14:15,234 Incidentally, there is, ladies and gentlemen, the groom of the stool, Sir Anthony Denny, 221 00:14:15,316 --> 00:14:17,352 who was the longest-running groom of the stool. 222 00:14:17,436 --> 00:14:20,109 Did he... Do you think he bent over and put his bottom out? 223 00:14:20,196 --> 00:14:23,905 Or did he roll on his back and put his knees right up? 224 00:14:24,356 --> 00:14:26,995 Do you know, I'd rather not think about it. 225 00:14:27,076 --> 00:14:31,035 Did they have a kind of royal changing mat for the king to lie down on? 226 00:14:31,116 --> 00:14:36,190 - (Stephen) I'm sure they... They had the... - You get a bucket of water and go sploosh! 227 00:14:36,716 --> 00:14:40,265 Well, it was a much-prized job because of the amount of access, 228 00:14:40,356 --> 00:14:42,665 the amount of time one got to spend with the king. 229 00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:46,066 Another sought-after and rather cushier task in the king's chamber 230 00:14:46,156 --> 00:14:49,831 was warming his shirt before he put it on in the morning. 231 00:14:49,916 --> 00:14:52,430 Now, to something completely other. 232 00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:57,636 In 1879, Dr James Murray began work on the first Oxford English Dictionary 233 00:14:57,716 --> 00:15:00,788 as a four-volume, 6,400-page work, 234 00:15:00,876 --> 00:15:03,515 that he estimated would take about ten years to write. 235 00:15:03,596 --> 00:15:08,670 However, five years later, he and his tiny staff had only got as far as "ant". 236 00:15:08,756 --> 00:15:11,873 In the end, the dictionary took 45 years, 237 00:15:11,956 --> 00:15:15,744 38 of them under Murray, and was only completed 13 years after his death. 238 00:15:15,836 --> 00:15:20,512 The second volume, Ant to Batten, appeared in 1885, 239 00:15:20,596 --> 00:15:22,826 and it contained the word "arthropod". 240 00:15:22,916 --> 00:15:26,875 Does anyone have the faintest clue what an arthropod might be? 241 00:15:26,956 --> 00:15:29,345 - (bell rings) - Is he a character in EastEnders? 242 00:15:29,436 --> 00:15:31,950 No. No, he's not, arthropod. 243 00:15:32,036 --> 00:15:34,630 Did you know the latest edition of the Oxford English Dictionary 244 00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:37,549 does not contain the word gullible? 245 00:15:38,316 --> 00:15:39,988 Is that really true? 246 00:15:40,076 --> 00:15:42,590 Oh! Oh! 247 00:15:42,676 --> 00:15:45,634 - I really, really fell for that. - (Alan) He really fell for it. 248 00:15:45,716 --> 00:15:49,675 - I am so... That is brilliant. - It's such an enormous brain, 249 00:15:49,756 --> 00:15:52,554 but it's a bit like when you're reversing a car - there's a blind spot. 250 00:15:52,636 --> 00:15:55,230 - (Stephen) There is. - (laughter) 251 00:15:56,316 --> 00:15:58,546 I'll give you a... I'll give you five points if you can tell me the word 252 00:15:58,636 --> 00:16:02,072 that takes up the most pages to define in the OED. 253 00:16:02,676 --> 00:16:05,713 - The. - No. There's only one real meaning of "the". 254 00:16:05,796 --> 00:16:08,594 It won't take that long to define. 255 00:16:10,276 --> 00:16:12,267 Sorry, I didn't mean to humiliate you, 256 00:16:12,356 --> 00:16:16,429 but, I mean, it's obviously a word that has to have lots of different meanings 257 00:16:16,516 --> 00:16:18,905 that take up quite a lot of explanation, and "the" really... 258 00:16:18,996 --> 00:16:22,830 You know, it's not also a name for a type of watering can or a nose flute. 259 00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:26,192 It can't be a verb. This word can be a verb, it can be a noun, it can be an adjective. 260 00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:29,074 - (Alan) Bee. - Not bee. As in double e? 261 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:32,307 Again, there are not many meanings, but it's a three-letter word. 262 00:16:32,396 --> 00:16:35,672 - I'll tell you. If you look it up in the OED... - (Alan) Tub. 263 00:16:35,756 --> 00:16:41,353 - (Jo) Tub? - It's set. It goes on for pages and pages. 264 00:16:41,436 --> 00:16:45,987 Murray personally supervised the word set in a little shed he had in his garden. 265 00:16:46,636 --> 00:16:49,912 Isn't arthropod some kind of a creature with legs? 266 00:16:49,996 --> 00:16:52,226 You're absolutely right. The "pod" tells us that. 267 00:16:52,316 --> 00:16:57,026 The reason it's important and we should know it is that 85% of all creatures, maybe 84%, 268 00:16:57,116 --> 00:17:00,825 but 84% at least of all creatures on earth are arthropods. 269 00:17:00,916 --> 00:17:05,353 Arthro-, as in arthritis, means it's jointed, joint, so it's a jointed leg thing. 270 00:17:05,436 --> 00:17:09,224 And let me tell you, there are more than a million species of arthropod - 271 00:17:09,316 --> 00:17:12,911 butterflies, lobsters, woodlice, cicadas, bees, cockroaches, spiders, scorpions, 272 00:17:12,996 --> 00:17:14,987 prawns, praying mantises, crabs, 273 00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:18,546 beetles, centipedes, millipedes, crayfish, mayflies, mites, 274 00:17:18,636 --> 00:17:21,230 ticks, fleas, earwigs and ants. 275 00:17:21,316 --> 00:17:23,705 Did you say a million? You're not gonna do the whole list, are you? 276 00:17:23,796 --> 00:17:29,348 No, no. What is rather distinguished about a male European earwig? 277 00:17:29,436 --> 00:17:30,835 - (buzzer) - Yes? 278 00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:33,066 (Jimmy) The moustache. 279 00:17:33,156 --> 00:17:36,387 It is a part of the body, but it's not the moustache. 280 00:17:36,476 --> 00:17:39,388 - Yes? - Is he greying at the temples? 281 00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:43,264 - No. - Does he wear a monocle? 282 00:17:44,236 --> 00:17:47,353 - No, it's neither of those things. - They're very, very well-endowed. 283 00:17:47,436 --> 00:17:50,314 - (Stephen) Immensely well-endowed, but... - Best of all the arthropods. 284 00:17:50,396 --> 00:17:52,671 - Lots of arthropods are well-endowed. - So well-endowed 285 00:17:52,756 --> 00:17:56,226 that it goes all the way up their body and then along their sleeve. 286 00:17:56,316 --> 00:18:01,231 Almost true. It's actually longer than its body, its penis, which seems rather odd. 287 00:18:01,316 --> 00:18:03,307 - The penis is longer? - But more astoundingly, 288 00:18:03,396 --> 00:18:07,628 not only does it have this very long member which is over a centimetre long... 289 00:18:07,716 --> 00:18:13,507 - Well, its own body is a centimetre and its... - (Jimmy) Over a centimetre? 290 00:18:13,596 --> 00:18:15,473 (laughter) 291 00:18:15,556 --> 00:18:18,514 That is a bit showy-offy. 292 00:18:19,476 --> 00:18:22,946 - In relation to... - Is that on the slack, Stephen? 293 00:18:24,556 --> 00:18:27,912 In relation to its size, I mean. Yes. 294 00:18:28,556 --> 00:18:32,231 No, but the really extraordinary thing is it has a spare one. 295 00:18:32,316 --> 00:18:34,989 - (Alan) A spare? - (Stephen) It has a spare penis. 296 00:18:35,076 --> 00:18:38,705 - (Jackie) For special occasions. - (Alan) In case it catches it in its flies. 297 00:18:38,796 --> 00:18:42,755 This was discovered recently and it is quite interesting. It was discovered in Tokyo. 298 00:18:42,836 --> 00:18:46,385 In case one snaps off. What happened was - this does say something about scientists - 299 00:18:46,476 --> 00:18:51,596 these Japanese scientists were watching two European earwigs copulating. 300 00:18:51,676 --> 00:18:54,748 They were watching them copulate, yes, and they thought: 301 00:18:54,836 --> 00:18:59,148 "What would happen if we just pinched the back of the male on top?" 302 00:18:59,236 --> 00:19:01,386 Which is a rather cruel and odd thing to want to do. 303 00:19:01,476 --> 00:19:06,914 They did and, shocked and startled, the male earwig backed off and was distressed, 304 00:19:06,996 --> 00:19:10,784 or the onlookers were distressed, to see that it had left its penis behind in Mrs Earwig. 305 00:19:10,876 --> 00:19:14,664 But the really startling thing was another penis instantly replaced it 306 00:19:14,756 --> 00:19:16,826 from inside its body and shot out. It has... 307 00:19:16,916 --> 00:19:19,908 No one knows if that would happen with humans. 308 00:19:19,996 --> 00:19:21,349 No. Let's not try it. 309 00:19:21,436 --> 00:19:23,870 - Cos, as far as I know, no one's penis... - (Jo) I tried that. 310 00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:28,905 - Have you snapped off a willy? - I snapped off my husband's last night. 311 00:19:29,156 --> 00:19:35,425 Another one didn't appear, I'm afraid, but a sandwich did, so that was all right. 312 00:19:35,516 --> 00:19:37,905 It's not a sentence I thought I'd say when I woke up, 313 00:19:37,996 --> 00:19:42,831 but I wouldn't mind seeing a little bit of earwig porn then. 314 00:19:42,916 --> 00:19:46,989 Normally it's one guy with two girls and it's all over the place, but that would even it out. 315 00:19:47,076 --> 00:19:50,148 - (Stephen) Exactly. - I've seen one of those on the interweb. 316 00:19:50,236 --> 00:19:52,352 - (Stephen) Have you? - A man with two knobs. 317 00:19:52,436 --> 00:19:56,827 - (Stephen) Really? - The girl had one in each hand, like that. 318 00:19:56,916 --> 00:20:01,194 - (Stephen) Well... - Sure she wasn't sitting on a space hopper? 319 00:20:01,276 --> 00:20:02,425 (applause) 320 00:20:02,516 --> 00:20:04,825 (Stephen) Very good. Very good. 321 00:20:04,916 --> 00:20:08,625 If you search space hopper on Google, you never know what might come up. 322 00:20:08,716 --> 00:20:13,506 - Heavens above. Now... - I have a girlfriend who has two vaginas. 323 00:20:13,596 --> 00:20:15,746 She went to have a smear test and the doctor said: 324 00:20:15,836 --> 00:20:19,715 "I've got some good news and some bad news. You've got some precancerous cells, 325 00:20:19,796 --> 00:20:22,993 but they're only in one of your vaginas." 326 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:28,591 And she said, "Oh, I'm saving the other one for that special man." 327 00:20:28,676 --> 00:20:31,873 Is it fully equipped inside? Does she have two clitorises? 328 00:20:31,956 --> 00:20:37,394 - No, no. Clitoris is on the outside, Stephen. - Oh, is it? I see. This is where I... Sorry. 329 00:20:37,476 --> 00:20:40,912 - This is where I really do plead ignorance. - (Alan) There's that blind spot again. 330 00:20:40,996 --> 00:20:44,068 - You're not really in the vagina business. - I'm not. Thank you for that. 331 00:20:44,156 --> 00:20:48,547 I do feel you're expressing rather an unnatural interest. 332 00:20:48,636 --> 00:20:51,150 - Which is not like you, really. - Well, I'm curious. 333 00:20:51,236 --> 00:20:55,070 - I'll press my nose into anything. So... - (laughter) 334 00:20:55,236 --> 00:20:57,227 (Stephen) What... I do apologise. 335 00:20:57,316 --> 00:20:59,910 - What do you call an insect that sucks? - (bell rings) 336 00:20:59,996 --> 00:21:02,794 - Ulrika Jonsson. - (laughter) 337 00:21:02,876 --> 00:21:06,186 - Heavens! Heavens! - (applause) 338 00:21:06,276 --> 00:21:08,665 Meow. Any other thoughts? 339 00:21:08,756 --> 00:21:10,712 - (buzzer) - Yes, Jimmy? 340 00:21:10,796 --> 00:21:12,912 A rubbish insect? 341 00:21:12,996 --> 00:21:15,351 Oh, it sucks. Very good. It sucks. 342 00:21:15,436 --> 00:21:20,305 What? You mean it sucks up? I know that the stingray sucks food up from the seabed. 343 00:21:20,396 --> 00:21:23,547 (Stephen) Yes. It's more of a fish than an insect, but yes. 344 00:21:23,636 --> 00:21:28,551 It can suck... It can locate and suck up food from a foot below the surface of the seabed. 345 00:21:28,636 --> 00:21:33,869 It's what we in the gay community call a bottom feeder. Yes? 346 00:21:33,956 --> 00:21:37,232 - Can I be in the gay community? - Oh, very well. 347 00:21:37,316 --> 00:21:40,467 Can I be an arthropod and in the gay community? 348 00:21:40,556 --> 00:21:44,515 It's a very specialist area, but I'm sure there are many websites devoted to it. 349 00:21:44,596 --> 00:21:47,986 - The gay arthropods. - (Stephen) The gay arthropods. 350 00:21:48,076 --> 00:21:50,112 - (Jimmy) It sucks? - (Stephen) Yes, it sucks. 351 00:21:50,196 --> 00:21:54,109 You'll be very surprised by the answer here. The answer is a bug. 352 00:21:54,196 --> 00:21:58,553 But unlike other insects, all bugs have piercing and sucking mouth parts. 353 00:21:58,636 --> 00:22:01,787 The word is not just a general name for a creepy-crawly, 354 00:22:01,876 --> 00:22:06,427 it has a strict biological scientific sense, a bug. There. You didn't know that, did you? 355 00:22:06,516 --> 00:22:09,872 So, fingers on the buzzers, please, for one last question on arthropods. 356 00:22:09,956 --> 00:22:12,914 - How many legs does a millipede have? - (bells ring) 357 00:22:12,996 --> 00:22:14,349 - Yes, Jo? - 1,000. 358 00:22:14,436 --> 00:22:19,146 I don't believe it, Jo. I don't believe it. I do not believe it! 359 00:22:19,596 --> 00:22:21,826 - Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. - (applause) 360 00:22:21,916 --> 00:22:26,671 I'm so sorry. No known millipede has ever been discovered with as many as 1,000 legs. 361 00:22:26,756 --> 00:22:30,544 The one with the most is the South African millipede and has 710. 362 00:22:30,636 --> 00:22:34,424 Fingers on the buzzers for another mind- boggling demonstration of general ignorance. 363 00:22:34,516 --> 00:22:37,986 - What colour is water? - (dog barks) 364 00:22:38,076 --> 00:22:41,955 - It has no colour. It's clear. - Oh, my dear fellow, I'm so sorry. 365 00:22:42,036 --> 00:22:44,152 Oh, dear. Colourless. No. 366 00:22:44,236 --> 00:22:46,272 - No. Water, you'll be surprised... - (Alan) Blue. 367 00:22:46,356 --> 00:22:48,916 It is blue. I'm afraid you lose your marks for that, 368 00:22:48,996 --> 00:22:51,669 but I'll give you five back for knowing it is blue. It's blue. 369 00:22:51,756 --> 00:22:55,351 You have to have a lot of it to see that it's blue, and a lot of water, of course, looks blue 370 00:22:55,436 --> 00:23:00,191 because the sky is reflected in it, but actually water is, in fact, blue. Slightly blue. There. 371 00:23:00,276 --> 00:23:05,066 Now, have more people been killed by atomic bombs or by ducks? Yes. 372 00:23:05,156 --> 00:23:08,865 Is this in the world ever? Or Nagasaki 1945? 373 00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:14,435 - Cos I think I know if it's Nagasaki 1945. - No, it isn't. No, it's... 374 00:23:14,516 --> 00:23:16,586 (Alan) It must be ducks or you wouldn't ask. 375 00:23:16,676 --> 00:23:19,270 (Stephen) Exactly. It is ducks. It is ducks. It is ducks. 376 00:23:19,356 --> 00:23:20,948 - (Jimmy) I could tell you why. - Yes? 377 00:23:21,036 --> 00:23:24,949 Well, recently it's going into jet engines, isn't it? They've taken a couple of planes out. 378 00:23:25,036 --> 00:23:28,665 A duck may have taken planes out. It wouldn't quite account for the hundreds of thousands 379 00:23:28,756 --> 00:23:30,906 who died in Nagasaki and Hiroshima though, would it? 380 00:23:30,996 --> 00:23:33,669 - Was it that many? - (Stephen) Oh, yes, it was a lot of people. 381 00:23:33,756 --> 00:23:38,193 - Sorry about that. - No, it wasn't us, it was the Americans. 382 00:23:38,276 --> 00:23:41,552 No, you see, ducks were actually responsible for the outbreak of Spanish flu 383 00:23:41,636 --> 00:23:45,993 that killed 25 million people in 1918 and 1919, 384 00:23:46,076 --> 00:23:50,388 more than died from military causes in World War I and 100 times more than those... 385 00:23:50,476 --> 00:23:54,867 - How exactly were they responsible? - Well, they passed the disease on to man. 386 00:23:54,956 --> 00:23:58,869 They were the Typhoid Mary, if you like, of Spanish influenza. 387 00:23:58,956 --> 00:24:01,675 - Do ducks sneeze? - (imitates a duck sneezing) 388 00:24:01,756 --> 00:24:06,546 Yes, probably. Something like that, it would be. No, I think they... I did my best, Alan. 389 00:24:06,636 --> 00:24:09,355 It was brilliant. It was brilliant because it was unexpected. 390 00:24:09,436 --> 00:24:11,427 (Stephen) Yes, quite. 391 00:24:11,516 --> 00:24:14,508 What buries its head in the sand? Jo? 392 00:24:14,596 --> 00:24:17,474 I have to finish my triumph off tonight and say the ostrich. 393 00:24:17,556 --> 00:24:19,706 - (Stephen) Hey! - (alarm bells) 394 00:24:19,796 --> 00:24:21,787 Well, my goodness me. How wrong you are. No. 395 00:24:21,876 --> 00:24:24,390 Ostriches have never been known to bury their head in the sand. 396 00:24:24,476 --> 00:24:26,194 - They would suffocate. - (Jo) Thank you. 397 00:24:26,276 --> 00:24:28,665 Invented by a friend of this programme, Pliny the Elder. 398 00:24:28,756 --> 00:24:30,792 How do these myths get started? 399 00:24:30,876 --> 00:24:33,470 They do have a way of scanning the horizon by lowering their necks 400 00:24:33,556 --> 00:24:38,471 and lowering their heads to the ground level and looking around for enemies. 401 00:24:38,556 --> 00:24:40,672 And also their legs are back to front. 402 00:24:40,756 --> 00:24:45,034 If you see an ostrich running backwards, it looks like a person. 403 00:24:45,116 --> 00:24:47,676 - They run over 40 miles an hour. - (Jimmy) It looks like a person? 404 00:24:47,756 --> 00:24:50,429 - The legs look like a person. - (laughter) 405 00:24:50,516 --> 00:24:53,952 (Jimmy) You've been going out with some dodgy birds, haven't you? 406 00:24:55,636 --> 00:24:56,546 Let's just move on. Who invented rubber boots? 407 00:24:56,636 --> 00:24:58,433 - (bell rings) - Yes? 408 00:24:58,516 --> 00:25:02,509 - The Duke of Wellington. - (Stephen) Oh! Well done! 409 00:25:02,596 --> 00:25:04,871 Oh, well done. Oh, hey. 410 00:25:04,956 --> 00:25:09,268 No, I'll tell you the answer. It was Amazonian Indians, in fact. 411 00:25:09,356 --> 00:25:14,191 The boots designed and named after the Duke of Wellington, Jo, were made of leather. 412 00:25:14,276 --> 00:25:17,348 Rubber was a disastrous failure for clothing when it was first tried 413 00:25:17,436 --> 00:25:21,987 because it either melted all over you in hot weather, or set as hard as granite in winter, 414 00:25:22,076 --> 00:25:25,830 until Charles Goodyear - not Dunlop, it was Charles Goodyear - 415 00:25:25,916 --> 00:25:30,592 invented vulcanisation by accident in the 1840s. He licensed the making of... 416 00:25:30,676 --> 00:25:34,351 - Tell us how your father pronounces Volvic. - (Stephen laughs) 417 00:25:34,436 --> 00:25:37,826 Volvic he pronounces Vulvic, so it's Vulvic water, but that's enough. 418 00:25:37,916 --> 00:25:42,467 - Tell us how he pronounces Volvo. - Vulvas. He calls them Vulvas, yes. 419 00:25:42,556 --> 00:25:45,354 So if he says, "I've scratched my Vulva..." 420 00:25:45,436 --> 00:25:50,032 Yes, that's right. And it's recently gone in for a cervix, yes. 421 00:25:50,116 --> 00:25:52,027 (laughter and applause) 422 00:25:56,116 --> 00:25:59,472 Yes, so vulcan... It just means fierce heat, like volcano, so it's called... 423 00:25:59,556 --> 00:26:03,231 - It was called vulcanisation not actually... - (Alan) Vulcanised rubber comes from that. 424 00:26:03,316 --> 00:26:07,434 And he invented it, Charles Goodyear. He was a terribly sad man, actually. It was tragic. 425 00:26:07,516 --> 00:26:09,711 He lived all his life in appalling poverty. 426 00:26:09,796 --> 00:26:14,711 His one aim was to find a way of making rubber the useful material it now is, 427 00:26:14,796 --> 00:26:17,185 and he succeeded by accident, supposedly, the story goes, 428 00:26:17,276 --> 00:26:20,905 spilling this mixture of rubber he was playing with on his wife's hot stove, 429 00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:24,705 and noticing suddenly when it had been heated that it had these amazing properties. 430 00:26:25,156 --> 00:26:30,150 And he licensed it, but he was ripped off. Vulcanisation was used by someone else, 431 00:26:30,236 --> 00:26:32,750 and the... All right, yes. 432 00:26:32,836 --> 00:26:37,864 A little tableau vivant of Charles Goodyear discovering vulcanisation. 433 00:26:37,956 --> 00:26:40,868 But even the name... Even the Goodyear tyre company, 434 00:26:40,956 --> 00:26:43,868 was just named after him because the founders of it admired him. 435 00:26:43,956 --> 00:26:45,753 He didn't get a cent for it. 436 00:26:45,836 --> 00:26:49,670 But we remember him here and honour him. Charles Goodyear, ladies and gentlemen. 437 00:26:49,756 --> 00:26:54,113 - Yes, thank you. Charles Goodyear. - (applause) 438 00:26:54,196 --> 00:26:56,312 Amazonian Indians, since time immemorial, 439 00:26:56,396 --> 00:27:00,833 have made instant gumboots by standing knee-deep in liquid latex until it dries. 440 00:27:00,916 --> 00:27:03,350 So, on that last anthropological note, 441 00:27:03,436 --> 00:27:06,872 it's time for the embarrassing business of the final scores. 442 00:27:06,956 --> 00:27:08,787 I'm going to do it in reverse order. 443 00:27:08,876 --> 00:27:14,985 Tonight's winner, ladies and gentlemen, is Jackie Clune with five points. 444 00:27:15,076 --> 00:27:17,146 (applause) 445 00:27:17,236 --> 00:27:21,309 - And second, Alan Davies with zero. - (applause) 446 00:27:23,556 --> 00:27:29,791 In third place with minus one, it's Jimmy Carr, ladies and gentlemen. 447 00:27:29,876 --> 00:27:34,950 But in fourth place with a staggering minus 38, it's Jo Brand. 448 00:27:35,036 --> 00:27:37,425 (applause) 449 00:27:41,276 --> 00:27:44,552 So... that's it from QI for this week. 450 00:27:44,636 --> 00:27:47,673 It only remains for me to thank Jackie, Alan, Jo and Jimmy, 451 00:27:47,756 --> 00:27:50,316 and to add something quite interesting to end on, 452 00:27:50,396 --> 00:27:54,833 in this case, a letter from the Daily Mirror, also concerning anthropology in a way. 453 00:27:54,916 --> 00:27:57,828 "There were four of us", it goes, "in the doctor's waiting room, 454 00:27:57,916 --> 00:28:02,114 when in walked a Pakistani gentleman. He was about to go straight into the surgery 455 00:28:02,196 --> 00:28:06,428 when a woman jumped up and grabbed his arm, saying in very deliberate English: 456 00:28:06,516 --> 00:28:09,110 'We are before you.' 457 00:28:09,196 --> 00:28:11,187 'You take your turn.' 458 00:28:11,276 --> 00:28:12,834 'Understand?"' 459 00:28:12,916 --> 00:28:15,384 "The Pakistani, in equally deliberate English, replied: 460 00:28:15,476 --> 00:28:18,513 'No, you are after me.' 461 00:28:18,596 --> 00:28:21,315 'Me doctor. Understand?"' 462 00:28:21,396 --> 00:28:23,864 - Good night. - (applause) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net