1
00:00:23,526 --> 00:00:25,164
(applause)

2
00:00:28,526 --> 00:00:34,761
Hello and welcome to QI,
the IQ test for the backward.

3
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Let's meet tonight's panel, who,
like a properly-made cauliflower milk shake,

4
00:00:39,686 --> 00:00:43,122
are thick, interesting and unusual.

5
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Alan Davies, Jeremy Hardy,

6
00:00:46,286 --> 00:00:49,961
Dave Gorman, Jo Brand.

7
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Now, each member of the panel
has an attention-getting device.

8
00:00:55,166 --> 00:00:57,043
- Dave goes...
- (high chime)

9
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- Jeremy goes...
- (low chime)

10
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- Jo goes...
- (medium-pitched chime)

11
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- Alan goes...
- (pneumatic drill)

12
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And I go after the show,
if I can hold on that long.

13
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So this round is all about antelope,
or antelopes.

14
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A is for antelope and B is for bongo.

15
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Apart from the obvious,
what is a bongo?

16
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- (high chime)
- (Stephen) Dave?

17
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I'm assuming that,
apart from the obvious,

18
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assuming that the obvious
is some kind of African antelope,

19
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then the less obvious answer
would be that it's a percussive instrument.

20
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We assumed that the obvious was a drum,

21
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but the answer is, yes,
it is indeed a type of African antelope.

22
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But if you introduce the subject as,
"This round is all about antelopes"...

23
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You're right.
It's a spectacular African forest antelope

24
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with a caramel and white striped body,
as you see there.

25
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Much prized by poachers. There are only 100
reckoned to be left on the planet.

26
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Can I just say,
there's only 100 people on the planet

27
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that understand the works of Jacques Derrida,
so do you think they're all bongos?

28
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That is what philosophers
call a false syllogism.

29
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(Jo) Ah.

30
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This programme
has gone beyond me already.

31
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- Who's Jacques Derrida, first of all?
- (Stephen) You can explain Derrida.

32
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He's a French philosopher and I don't
understand a (bleep) word he wrote.

33
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- What's a syllogism?
- Um.

34
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(Jo) I know.

35
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All men have bollocks,

36
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all men can talk,
therefore all men talk bollocks.

37
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- Hm, yes, not...
- (Jo) Is that right?

38
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That antelope is very bad at plastering,
isn't it? Look at that.

39
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What's happened, he's not let
the first coat set before the second coat.

40
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Is there such a thing as silly jism?

41
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(Stephen) Oh, dear.

42
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What, like a cheap version
of Play-Doh, you mean?

43
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There's a film called Jism,
that's just, that's...

44
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I was... I was going to say
it's just come out, but...

45
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Can I just say something very strange,

46
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because there's some German chewing gum
called Spunk,

47
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and you just have to be careful
you don't swallow it,

48
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but, in fact,
I actually talked about that chewing gum

49
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on Clive James's show

50
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with you and Princess Diana,
do you remember?

51
00:03:38,687 --> 00:03:40,723
- Seriously.
- That was a dream.

52
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It wasn't.

53
00:03:46,087 --> 00:03:48,999
- You've got to sort these out.
- No, I remember.

54
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I knew someone who worked somewhere...
I didn't know someone, it's a lie.

55
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Someone who claimed to know someone
who worked somewhere the Queen visited,

56
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and you have to provide a lavatory
only for the Queen.

57
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He went in afterwards and there was a pube
on the seat and he kept it in a matchbox.

58
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Good, well, let's go back to antelopes,
about which this round supposedly is.

59
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It's got a big old bum, like J-Lo,
hasn't it, the bongo?

60
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Yes, the antelope bongo has a large bottom.
Does J-Lo have a large bottom?

61
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Yeah.

62
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That's good the way that they've tattooed
those marks on for the butcher, isn't it?

63
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(Stephen) No wonder
there are only 100 left, yes.

64
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Everybody's really made a thing
about Kylie Minogue's bottom

65
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and it's just the fact that she has one seems
to be... it makes her somehow more sexy.

66
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I think it's just a bottom. I mean, if she
didn't have one, she'd fall down the toilet.

67
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And her teeth are too big.
If you look at Kylie's head, look at those...

68
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Those teeth are proportionate to the teeth
of a camel in the mouth of a toddler.

69
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Her head must be
really, really tiny, because...

70
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Otherwise, if her head's a normal size,
those teeth must be eight or nine inches long.

71
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- Her head is about the size of a Kinder egg.
- Despite having such ugly teeth,

72
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she's not done badly for herself, really.

73
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Now, for an extra two points,
what was the name of the bongo player

74
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in Tyrannosaurus, later known as T. Rex?

75
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I went to see Marc Bolan perform
when I was about 14, on Hastings Pier,

76
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and what happened was girls
would go up the front and they would faint,

77
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be dragged out of the audience
by the security and laid on the stage,

78
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and as soon as they got on the stage
they would jump up

79
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and try and stick their tongue
down his throat.

80
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- What a brilliant ploy.
- I tried it and they refused to lift me up.

81
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Where's the tree? Because I've been past
the tree that he crashed into.

82
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- Is it in Norfolk?
- (Jo) Barnes, isn't it?

83
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:50,725
- Near Barnes.
- (Stephen) Barnes Common.

84
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People stand around playing guitars
on a Saturday night.

85
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It's beautiful actually, there's a little shrine
and they all stand around and sing.

86
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Young people. No bigger than your thumb.

87
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It is extraordinary.
In Paris, in the Pere-Lachaise cemetery,

88
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Jim Morrison's grave
is far and away the most visited,

89
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much more than Victor Hugo
or Oscar Wilde or various others.

90
00:06:09,207 --> 00:06:14,235
Thatcher's grave is going to be a permanent
urinal to all decent people, isn't it?

91
00:06:14,327 --> 00:06:15,999
There will be...

92
00:06:16,087 --> 00:06:19,159
Won't it be, in fact, a dance floor?

93
00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:22,876
What they should put on Thatcher's grave
is one of those arcade machines

94
00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:27,722
where the lights flash up
and you have to put your feet on the lights.

95
00:06:27,807 --> 00:06:30,685
But the bongo player in T. Rex...

96
00:06:31,487 --> 00:06:32,761
- No idea.
- No.

97
00:06:32,847 --> 00:06:37,477
Well, I'll give you the answer, then. The
bongo player was called Steve Peregrin Took,

98
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a Ladbroke Grove hippy named after
a character in Lord of the Rings, apparently.

99
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Marc Bolan was actually rather devoted
and obsessed with Lord of the Rings,

100
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but he was dyslexic so he never read it.

101
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(Alan) That's strange. How can you be
obsessed by a book and never read it?

102
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Well, because his wife-to-be
read it to him.

103
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Perhaps he couldn't read
because he was off his nut.

104
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"Read us a bit of the book, dear."

105
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Well, considering you owe him your hairstyle,
Alan, I think you should be a little bit more...

106
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There we are. So...

107
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What is the curious South African pastime

108
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known as Bokdrol Spoeg,
in which antelopes play an indispensable role?

109
00:07:18,967 --> 00:07:22,482
The only interesting South African pastime
I can think of

110
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:26,401
is leaving the country
when it becomes a democracy.

111
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All the pub landlords in the West End
that used to be Irish,

112
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there'd be a bit of leeway about time:

113
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(Irish accent) "Come on now, it's nearly half
eleven. I have to open up again in a minute."

114
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And now they are white South Africans.

115
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And at the stroke of 11,
it's "ding" and there's buckshot, tear gas,

116
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and Land Rovers come out of the kitchen.

117
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(South African accent) "Come along, please,
haven't you got no townships to go to?"

118
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I'll give you the answer,
because Bokdrol is actually kudu dung.

119
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Kudu is a type of antelope
and Bokdrol Spoeg is kudu dung spitting.

120
00:08:01,127 --> 00:08:03,766
Oh, gee.

121
00:08:03,847 --> 00:08:07,556
It involves... Yeah, it involves
who can spit the poo the furthest.

122
00:08:07,647 --> 00:08:10,366
- Is it little pellety, round?
- It's pellets.

123
00:08:10,447 --> 00:08:13,917
It's pellets, but it's pellets of poo,
there's no getting away from it, and this is...

124
00:08:14,007 --> 00:08:17,602
Maybe it doesn't taste too repellent,
maybe it's just all grass matter.

125
00:08:17,687 --> 00:08:20,724
An old lady gave me a KitKat recently,

126
00:08:20,807 --> 00:08:25,164
and it tasted
exactly like old ladies' cupboards.

127
00:08:27,327 --> 00:08:32,447
Exactly. And I looked on the sell-by date
and it was 1998.

128
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Ah, bless.

129
00:08:33,887 --> 00:08:40,076
Are you using the phrase "old ladies'
cupboards" in any kind of euphemistic sense?

130
00:08:43,327 --> 00:08:47,445
The old lady's cupboard,
under the stairs!

131
00:08:49,887 --> 00:08:54,278
It's time to paint your butt white and
run with the antelope, as they say in Texas,

132
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,801
which means "shut up
and do as you're told" essentially.

133
00:08:56,887 --> 00:08:59,845
It's time to move on out to another round.

134
00:08:59,927 --> 00:09:01,918
(applause)

135
00:09:06,047 --> 00:09:09,881
Now, before they were famous,
both Clive James and Sylvester Stallone

136
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:12,276
cleaned out lion cages for a living.

137
00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:15,643
Before he discovered Uranus
from his terraced house in Bath,

138
00:09:15,727 --> 00:09:20,039
the astronomer William Herschel
was an oboe player in the Hanoverian army.

139
00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:26,362
And before unifying Italy, Giuseppe Garibaldi
was a spaghetti salesman in Uruguay.

140
00:09:26,447 --> 00:09:30,565
So, what sort of career advice
would you, gentlemen and lady,

141
00:09:30,647 --> 00:09:37,041
give a short, left-handed, epileptic Albanian
bisexual with a very high-pitched voice?

142
00:09:37,127 --> 00:09:38,355
- (low chime)
- (Stephen) Yes?

143
00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:42,486
Ring the Arts Council
for a grant, straight away.

144
00:09:43,807 --> 00:09:46,685
Giuseppe is Italian for Jesus.

145
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:51,124
- (Jeremy) No, it's Joseph.
- (Stephen) Joseph.

146
00:09:51,207 --> 00:09:53,084
- Why do you want to know?
- (Stephen) Why, yes?

147
00:09:53,167 --> 00:09:56,239
Are you thinking of having an Italian son?

148
00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:59,720
- You can do that?
- Yes, of course.

149
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:02,446
The internet's brilliant.

150
00:10:02,527 --> 00:10:07,555
But the question was he is Albanian,
short, epileptic, high-pitched voice.

151
00:10:07,647 --> 00:10:09,683
- Left-handed.
- Bisexual and left-handed.

152
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:13,077
You can't have invented all those
characteristics, someone must have them.

153
00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:15,442
Wasn't John Belushi Albanian?

154
00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:17,324
- Of Albanian stock, certainly.
- Yeah.

155
00:10:17,407 --> 00:10:20,160
But Albania,
as you know from the news currently,

156
00:10:20,247 --> 00:10:24,240
its borders are under question
from various different neighbours and...

157
00:10:24,327 --> 00:10:26,966
- (Jeremy) Macedonia.
- Who are the famous Macedonians?

158
00:10:27,047 --> 00:10:27,923
- Celine Dion?
- Philip.

159
00:10:28,007 --> 00:10:29,963
And Philip's son?

160
00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:33,084
Philip... It's not Celine Dion.

161
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:38,641
So this epileptic, left-handed, short...
is a Macedonian?

162
00:10:39,447 --> 00:10:41,802
- Was?
- His father was Philip of Macedon.

163
00:10:41,887 --> 00:10:45,084
- Is he a singer?
- (Stephen) Oh, now, Jo!

164
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:50,362
Somebody extremely great
had these qualities.

165
00:10:50,447 --> 00:10:54,360
- Alexander the Great.
- Alexander the Great, thank you.

166
00:10:55,607 --> 00:10:58,360
- You know Eric Bristow, the darts player?
- Eric the Great, yes.

167
00:10:58,447 --> 00:11:00,403
- The commentator, I can't remember...
- Sid Waddell.

168
00:11:00,487 --> 00:11:02,876
Sid Waddell, yes. When Eric Bristow
won the World Championship, he said:

169
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:11,039
"Alexander the Great conquered the world
when he was 33, Eric Bristow is only 27."

170
00:11:12,647 --> 00:11:16,435
Rather disturbingly, Sid Waddell
went to Cambridge, did you know that?

171
00:11:16,527 --> 00:11:19,405
And wrote the children's
footballing drama, Jossy's Giants.

172
00:11:19,487 --> 00:11:23,366
Ten points to Dave Gorman for knowing
about a play written by Sid Waddell.

173
00:11:23,447 --> 00:11:25,722
If I was a left-handed, midget, bisexual,

174
00:11:25,807 --> 00:11:28,526
I would be saying to people,
"call me the Great."

175
00:11:28,607 --> 00:11:30,962
These people always
make up their own nickname.

176
00:11:31,047 --> 00:11:33,322
Somebody who's got a name
like Sebastian, they'll say:

177
00:11:33,407 --> 00:11:39,277
"My name is Sebastian, but everyone calls me
Big Knob." Or Knuckles or something.

178
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:43,599
- We move in very different circles, Jeremy.
- No, they make them up.

179
00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:48,757
I'm sorry to drag this all the way down
to classical civilisation, but there we are,

180
00:11:48,847 --> 00:11:51,884
we just ought to talk a little
about Alexander, he's worth it.

181
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:54,276
According to one book, though
God knows what kind of book it was,

182
00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:57,643
he was the 33rd most influential human being
who ever lived.

183
00:11:57,727 --> 00:12:00,002
- I don't know what sort of arse writes...
- Is that him there?

184
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:04,160
- That's a representation of him.
- He was great cos there were four of him.

185
00:12:04,247 --> 00:12:07,444
(Dave) No, he was just in an early boy band.

186
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:13,284
And he could do that trick where he puts
his eyeballs down and you see the eye whites.

187
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:17,519
What did Alexander the Great do with
the banana and the ring-necked parakeet?

188
00:12:17,607 --> 00:12:20,167
(Jeremy) Partied all night long.

189
00:12:20,247 --> 00:12:24,798
- Was he like...
- Whatever it was, it was a hell of a night.

190
00:12:24,887 --> 00:12:27,117
...those people that go into casualty and say:

191
00:12:27,207 --> 00:12:32,804
"I was just hoovering and I slipped
and it went up my arse"?

192
00:12:32,887 --> 00:12:36,118
"I put the parrot in to get it out."

193
00:12:37,087 --> 00:12:41,365
Well, no, the answer is actually that Alexander
the Great introduced them to Europe.

194
00:12:41,447 --> 00:12:44,678
Yes, he brought along the banana,
the ring-necked parakeet,

195
00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:47,440
sugar, cotton and crucifixion.

196
00:12:47,527 --> 00:12:51,361
All of these useful commodities, or practices,
came from India, in fact,

197
00:12:51,447 --> 00:12:54,564
apart from crucifixion,
which was invented by the Persians.

198
00:12:54,647 --> 00:12:57,366
- Persia is in Iraq now, isn't it?
- No, it's Iran.

199
00:12:57,447 --> 00:13:01,042
God, you're like George Bush, aren't you?

200
00:13:04,247 --> 00:13:08,320
Back to Alexander.
What was his hair regime

201
00:13:08,407 --> 00:13:11,046
and which part of him
was dipped in honey?

202
00:13:11,127 --> 00:13:12,401
- (Jo) Henna.
- Lemon juice.

203
00:13:12,487 --> 00:13:15,365
Like henna, because of course
redheads were very common there.

204
00:13:15,447 --> 00:13:18,200
- Jojoba.
- Not jojoba.

205
00:13:18,287 --> 00:13:22,565
(Glaswegian accent) "Where I come from,
that's the month after September."

206
00:13:22,647 --> 00:13:27,038
Very good. Very good.
Very good, Billy Connolly.

207
00:13:27,127 --> 00:13:30,676
No, the answer is, actually,
he washed his hair in saffron,

208
00:13:30,767 --> 00:13:32,803
- to keep it shiny orange.
- I was trying to think of saffron!

209
00:13:32,887 --> 00:13:36,562
Quite right. Saffron, which was
a seriously up-market type of shampoo,

210
00:13:36,647 --> 00:13:41,004
because at the time, saffron was as rare
as diamonds and more expensive than gold.

211
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:45,160
All of him was dipped in honey, is the answer.
When he died, he was embalmed in honey.

212
00:13:45,247 --> 00:13:48,478
Roughly how many crocuses does it take
to make a kilo of saffron?

213
00:13:48,567 --> 00:13:49,886
(Jo) A million.

214
00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:54,802
Well it takes about 1400 poppies
to make a kilo of good heroin.

215
00:13:54,887 --> 00:13:57,606
- (Stephen) Right.
- The good skag.

216
00:13:57,687 --> 00:13:59,996
So I'm guessing
probably about the same amount.

217
00:14:00,087 --> 00:14:01,236
- What, 1400?
- Yes.

218
00:14:01,327 --> 00:14:03,841
But you've got to sort out all
the white and purple ones, haven't you?

219
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:09,524
Otherwise your saffron would be
a kind of icky, kind of beige colour.

220
00:14:09,607 --> 00:14:13,316
Yes, possibly that's true. No, I'll give you
the answer as to how much saffron it takes.

221
00:14:13,407 --> 00:14:19,482
I mean, it's about 85,000 and 140,000
crocuses go to make a kilo.

222
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:23,560
So not as many as a million. Even today,
top grade Spanish Mancha saffron

223
00:14:23,647 --> 00:14:27,117
retails at ?8,250 a kilo.

224
00:14:27,207 --> 00:14:31,200
For three years in his teens, Alexander was
taught by Aristotle, the Greek philosopher.

225
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:33,676
Aristotle was not only considered great
in his lifetime, of course,

226
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:37,646
but for some 2,000 years after his death,
virtually all of European science

227
00:14:37,727 --> 00:14:39,843
was based on the teachings of Aristotle.

228
00:14:39,927 --> 00:14:43,966
So what did Aristotle teach about flies
that is absurd and wrong?

229
00:14:44,047 --> 00:14:50,077
That they caused the First World War
by assassinating Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

230
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:53,318
But in fact, it was a Serbian group
called the Black Hand Gang.

231
00:14:53,407 --> 00:14:56,683
Right, no.
Aristotle never made such claims.

232
00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:58,803
No, it's just quite interesting.

233
00:14:58,887 --> 00:15:02,675
Such was his influence on the world
for thousands of years,

234
00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:05,042
he claimed that flies had four legs.

235
00:15:05,127 --> 00:15:07,925
He was so trusted
that nobody bothered to count.

236
00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:12,922
It's quite literally true. He did have some
strange... He thought snot was brain matter.

237
00:15:13,007 --> 00:15:16,716
- He might be right, who knows?
- Because the brain is grey and squashy.

238
00:15:16,807 --> 00:15:20,356
He thought if you blew your nose, that was
your brain matter coming out of your nose.

239
00:15:20,447 --> 00:15:23,200
There are 200 different types of common cold

240
00:15:23,287 --> 00:15:26,438
and they are all spread
by sneezing and coughing

241
00:15:26,527 --> 00:15:28,802
and things like that
coming out of your nose.

242
00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:31,401
You don't get them by standing in the rain.

243
00:15:31,487 --> 00:15:36,197
But it is true that if your nose is cold,

244
00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:40,280
those germs that cause the common cold
prefer cold temperatures and multiply

245
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:42,244
and are more likely to take hold
and give you disease.

246
00:15:42,327 --> 00:15:46,559
So if you keep your nose warm,
you'll be all right.

247
00:15:46,647 --> 00:15:47,762
Really?

248
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:52,284
Ten points to Dr Davies for being interesting.
Very good, thank you for that.

249
00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:56,360
Have you thought about going
on This Morning with all this knowledge?

250
00:15:56,447 --> 00:15:59,280
- I like Fern.
- I like Fern as well.

251
00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:00,925
- Nice woman.
- What's fern got to do with it?

252
00:16:01,007 --> 00:16:03,282
- She presents it.
- Oh, it's a person?

253
00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:05,562
It's a person.

254
00:16:07,607 --> 00:16:10,917
No, Fern is a plant
that presents a programme.

255
00:16:12,047 --> 00:16:14,800
This is my show and for all my oddity,

256
00:16:14,887 --> 00:16:16,923
I'm more interested
in what Aristotle thought about flies

257
00:16:17,007 --> 00:16:21,205
than some fatuous bint
who presents morning television,

258
00:16:21,287 --> 00:16:25,326
and whether or not
she was felt up by some other fatuous bint.

259
00:16:25,407 --> 00:16:29,320
That's just me and I'm odd.
But there you are.

260
00:16:30,007 --> 00:16:34,000
So Aristotle, of course,
is connected to Alexander the Great how?

261
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,763
- Umbilically.
- No.

262
00:16:37,647 --> 00:16:41,117
Same sculptor.
Went to the same sculptor.

263
00:16:45,487 --> 00:16:48,081
For their driving licences,
they go and get sculpted.

264
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:49,600
At the mirror,
with the bloke next to you with a bit of stone.

265
00:16:50,607 --> 00:16:53,326
"Going on holiday this year?"

266
00:16:53,407 --> 00:16:56,285
"I don't do the eyes, I'm afraid."

267
00:16:58,087 --> 00:17:00,760
"The fellow who does the eyes
has gone away."

268
00:17:00,847 --> 00:17:06,524
No, he taught him, he was his teacher.
All right, who cares? Let's go on.

269
00:17:06,607 --> 00:17:10,202
- That's the end of that round.
- (applause)

270
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:16,319
Right, from Aristotle to auricles.

271
00:17:16,407 --> 00:17:20,082
Anyone know what an auricle is?
A-U-R-l-C-L-E?

272
00:17:20,167 --> 00:17:24,240
- (high chime)
- It's the ear or an earlike thing.

273
00:17:24,327 --> 00:17:27,763
Dave Gorman is absolutely right,
it's a nice name for the ear or ear lobe.

274
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:33,638
- Oh, dear, there's an unfortunate person.
- "Oi, four-ears!"

275
00:17:33,727 --> 00:17:38,881
You live in Norfolk, don't you, Stephen?
You must see that sort of thing all the time.

276
00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:41,606
Thank you.

277
00:17:41,687 --> 00:17:44,884
No, this round is in fact all about these,
it's all about auricles, all about ears.

278
00:17:44,967 --> 00:17:47,845
Here's a quite interesting cutting
from the Independent.

279
00:17:47,927 --> 00:17:51,920
Detectives were called to a disturbance
outside a pub in Southampton

280
00:17:52,007 --> 00:17:57,001
and found a severed ear, which they packed
in ice and put in a police station fridge.

281
00:17:57,087 --> 00:18:00,523
When the ear's 23-year-old owner
rang them the next day,

282
00:18:00,607 --> 00:18:03,804
he was told it was too late,
the ear had "gone off".

283
00:18:03,887 --> 00:18:06,765
But he didn't hear them,
cos he was going, "Sorry?"

284
00:18:06,847 --> 00:18:08,883
(Stephen) "I can't hear you.
I haven't got my ear."

285
00:18:08,967 --> 00:18:14,121
Detective Inspector Ray Burt said,
"Unfortunately, it had been in there too long."

286
00:18:14,207 --> 00:18:17,085
"It was next to an egg roll
that had gone off as well."

287
00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:18,964
"There was nothing we could do."

288
00:18:19,047 --> 00:18:25,202
So after Van Gogh, or "Fan Hgoch", as
the Dutch call him, cut off his own ear lobe,

289
00:18:25,287 --> 00:18:28,677
- what did he do with it?
- He posted it to the lover who spurned him.

290
00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:31,156
Yes, that's very close.
He put it in an envelope.

291
00:18:31,247 --> 00:18:33,681
I think he actually delivered it personally,
rather than posting it.

292
00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:38,045
He put it in an envelope
and took it to a prostitute, to the brothel,

293
00:18:38,127 --> 00:18:43,076
- and gave it to this particular girl.
- "Now look what you've made me do!"

294
00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:46,637
He actually didn't sever the whole ear off,
he kind of sort of sliced it in half,

295
00:18:46,727 --> 00:18:48,877
- it was rather unpleasant.
- Died a pauper, didn't he?

296
00:18:48,967 --> 00:18:53,324
He committed suicide a pauper, yes.
Well, he shot himself and died of his wounds.

297
00:18:53,407 --> 00:18:56,683
He was not a happy bunny. And the reason
he cut his ear, he'd had a violent...

298
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:58,803
Well, it was a bit more than that.

299
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:04,564
I mean, he was seriously mentally ill,
rather than not a happy bunny.

300
00:19:05,527 --> 00:19:07,643
All right, if you want to put it that way.

301
00:19:07,727 --> 00:19:11,037
If you have to dress it up
in your scientific way.

302
00:19:11,127 --> 00:19:15,882
As an ex-psychiatric nurse,
I feel I have to distinguish between the two.

303
00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:17,923
Isn't that how
you used to talk to your patients?

304
00:19:18,007 --> 00:19:20,805
Not-a-happy-bunny syndrome.

305
00:19:20,887 --> 00:19:25,278
Tried to commit suicide.
Oh-dear-not-a-happy-bunny syndrome.

306
00:19:25,367 --> 00:19:29,201
- Fair enough. Good.
- I must say, I do like his beard.

307
00:19:29,287 --> 00:19:34,122
- It's a fine beard, isn't it, I think?
- Actually, isn't that incredible?

308
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:37,358
(Alan) Dave Gorman, not a happy bunny.

309
00:19:40,207 --> 00:19:42,482
(Dave) That's very good.

310
00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:44,364
(Stephen) Well, well, well.

311
00:19:44,447 --> 00:19:48,042
The reason he cut his ear off
was a violent argument with Gauguin,

312
00:19:48,127 --> 00:19:50,800
the artist who'd been
staying with him for months.

313
00:19:50,887 --> 00:19:55,244
But two days after the ear incident,
he left without saying goodbye.

314
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:58,364
Now, butterflies have ears on their wings.

315
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,405
The ears of grasshoppers and cicadas
are on their abdomens.

316
00:20:01,487 --> 00:20:03,955
Crickets' ears are on their forelegs.

317
00:20:04,047 --> 00:20:06,481
Where are a snake's ears?

318
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:10,321
- (Jo) I presume it hasn't got any.
- Ah, very good, five to you.

319
00:20:10,407 --> 00:20:15,003
But they must be able to hear, because
the whole fall of Eve, the serpent says, "Eve."

320
00:20:15,087 --> 00:20:17,601
And she says, "Bugger me, a talking snake!"

321
00:20:17,687 --> 00:20:21,157
And up pops the serpent, I'll do a little puppet
to make it more interesting.

322
00:20:21,247 --> 00:20:25,240
"Eve, hath not the Lord..."
She says, "'Hath'? What do you mean 'hath'?"

323
00:20:25,327 --> 00:20:29,559
And he says (lisps) "Don't take the pith,
it'th not my fault I'm a therpent!"

324
00:20:29,647 --> 00:20:33,481
Before we get all the way up to Revelations
and the end of the Bible...

325
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:39,476
Keith Harris and Wristy the snake,
ladies and gentlemen.

326
00:20:39,567 --> 00:20:41,558
Snakes don't have ears,
maybe they can lip-read.

327
00:20:41,647 --> 00:20:43,922
They don't have wings
and they don't, of course, have legs.

328
00:20:44,007 --> 00:20:47,966
Now, how would you go about
washing the ears of an okapi?

329
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:53,679
- With good cheer.
- Absolutely, and it would be a happy okapi.

330
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:54,916
There's an okapi.

331
00:20:55,007 --> 00:20:57,726
(Jeremy) Just take it to the garage
would be best, wouldn't it?

332
00:20:58,207 --> 00:21:00,596
Rather than messing around
with Q-tips and all that,

333
00:21:00,687 --> 00:21:03,201
just pay the four quid,
it's got to be worth it.

334
00:21:03,287 --> 00:21:07,280
The hot wax. The okapi can wash his own
ears, so you don't need to do it for him.

335
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:11,724
His tongue can go all the way round into his
ears, right inside, give them a good clean out.

336
00:21:11,807 --> 00:21:14,082
There you are, an enormously long
and versatile tongue.

337
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:15,566
So, thank you very much for that.

338
00:21:17,087 --> 00:21:21,603
What were the enormous earlike growths
that Galileo discovered in 1672?

339
00:21:21,687 --> 00:21:23,518
(Jo) Did he find them on himself?

340
00:21:23,607 --> 00:21:25,882
No, he found them
a long, long, long, long way away.

341
00:21:25,967 --> 00:21:27,958
(Alan) Asteroids.

342
00:21:28,047 --> 00:21:29,719
- Not quite.
- Planets.

343
00:21:29,807 --> 00:21:32,162
- Connected thereto.
- Debris.

344
00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:36,798
Yes, you could say debris, 328 foot wide,
but thousands of miles long...

345
00:21:36,887 --> 00:21:40,197
Very thin, but huge.
Hundreds of thousands of miles that way.

346
00:21:40,287 --> 00:21:42,084
- The rings on Saturn.
- String.

347
00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:43,964
He discovered the rings on Saturn?

348
00:21:44,047 --> 00:21:46,686
He spotted them on his new invention,
the telescope.

349
00:21:46,767 --> 00:21:48,359
- There they are.
- He thinks they look like ears?

350
00:21:48,447 --> 00:21:50,358
Yeah, well look at them, there they are.

351
00:21:50,447 --> 00:21:52,085
- Not unlike ears.
- (Jo) Nothing like ears.

352
00:21:52,167 --> 00:21:55,125
The first telescope ever invented
and you see something,

353
00:21:55,207 --> 00:21:57,323
you don't see it that clearly
with those colours,

354
00:21:57,407 --> 00:22:00,365
it's just that sort of roundish shape
with the kind of internal whirl.

355
00:22:00,447 --> 00:22:05,202
So he thought they were earlike.
I don't think he's that stupid, is he?

356
00:22:05,967 --> 00:22:08,083
- Galileo, no.
- Sorry, Galileo, you don't match up.

357
00:22:08,167 --> 00:22:10,727
You may have discovered more
about the universe than we'll ever know,

358
00:22:10,807 --> 00:22:13,799
but, no, not good enough for our panel,

359
00:22:13,887 --> 00:22:18,722
who will be able to tell
much better arse jokes than you ever would.

360
00:22:18,807 --> 00:22:23,676
We owe our civilisation to men like Galileo
and I won't have him mocked.

361
00:22:23,767 --> 00:22:26,600
Galileo was the first man
ever to see the rings of Saturn.

362
00:22:27,087 --> 00:22:29,043
He couldn't understand what they were,
and who can blame him?

363
00:22:29,127 --> 00:22:35,157
They are extraordinary-looking items.
172,000 miles wide, but only 328 feet thick.

364
00:22:35,247 --> 00:22:38,319
But more topical ear news now
from the London Times.

365
00:22:38,407 --> 00:22:40,363
John Bennett, aged 36, a Londoner,

366
00:22:40,447 --> 00:22:44,042
was today ordered to seek treatment
at a psychiatric hospital

367
00:22:44,127 --> 00:22:48,040
after biting off the ear
of a Danish Labour Exchange official.

368
00:22:48,127 --> 00:22:51,915
The court was told that when the official
recovered consciousness after the attack,

369
00:22:52,007 --> 00:22:57,127
he found his ear on a desk
with a note that read, "Your ear".

370
00:22:57,807 --> 00:22:59,206
(applause)

371
00:23:02,607 --> 00:23:06,725
And we come now
to our exciting final buzzer round,

372
00:23:06,807 --> 00:23:09,241
and to remind you
that if there is any answer you give

373
00:23:09,327 --> 00:23:14,037
that is deemed to have been obvious and
predictable, you will be forfeited ten points.

374
00:23:14,127 --> 00:23:18,325
- Who was the first king of England?
- (low chime)

375
00:23:18,407 --> 00:23:20,602
- Alfred.
- (alarm bells)

376
00:23:20,687 --> 00:23:23,804
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
How extraordinary.

377
00:23:23,887 --> 00:23:27,038
Alfred the Great.
You lose ten, I'm sorry about that.

378
00:23:27,127 --> 00:23:29,595
No, the first king of England was?

379
00:23:29,687 --> 00:23:32,281
- (medium-pitched chime)
- Ethelred.

380
00:23:32,367 --> 00:23:36,042
Not quite Ethelred.
First right couple of syllables, he was a...

381
00:23:36,127 --> 00:23:38,322
- Ethelbert.
- No.

382
00:23:38,407 --> 00:23:41,797
- (Jeremy) Ethel Merman.
- No, not Ethel Merman.

383
00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:45,641
It was, in fact, Athelstan,

384
00:23:45,727 --> 00:23:48,560
924 to 939. A 15-year reign.

385
00:23:48,647 --> 00:23:52,356
He was the grandson of Alfred the Great.
Alfred the Great was only king of Wessex.

386
00:23:52,447 --> 00:23:53,846
Ah.

387
00:23:53,927 --> 00:23:57,556
Now, according to Aristotle,
how do hedgehogs make love?

388
00:23:57,647 --> 00:23:58,682
- (low chime)
- Yes?

389
00:23:58,767 --> 00:23:59,756
Carefully.

390
00:23:59,847 --> 00:24:03,317
- Oh, you've done it again!
- (alarm bells)

391
00:24:04,287 --> 00:24:06,517
Oh, Alan, Alan!

392
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:11,678
- I'll tell you, it's quite interesting.
- (Alan) Get a bit pissed, put some music on.

393
00:24:11,767 --> 00:24:15,203
Yeah, that kind of thing, yeah, like
everybody else. No, I'll give you the answer.

394
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:21,681
Here it is. They do it face to face,
with the female lying on her back.

395
00:24:22,447 --> 00:24:25,564
- (Jeremy) That's disgusting!
- Well, that's how...

396
00:24:25,647 --> 00:24:30,243
That's how Aristotle thought they made love.
He was actually wrong, it's not true.

397
00:24:30,327 --> 00:24:36,880
They do it in the normal way, but the female
lays her plume, her quills, very flat indeed,

398
00:24:36,967 --> 00:24:39,879
so flat that they don't
become in any way prickly.

399
00:24:39,967 --> 00:24:42,197
And he gets on,
he has to bite into her neck, though,

400
00:24:42,287 --> 00:24:44,755
cos they become slippery, he could slip
cos of the way they're aligned.

401
00:24:44,847 --> 00:24:48,237
And he bites the back of her neck
in order to get purchase on her

402
00:24:48,327 --> 00:24:51,319
- and does the deed and then he's off.
- Ducks do that.

403
00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:53,318
- Do they?
- Yeah. They hang on.

404
00:24:53,407 --> 00:24:56,319
They hang onto the back
of the lady duck's neck.

405
00:24:56,407 --> 00:24:58,841
Lady duck, how sweet. "Lady."

406
00:24:58,927 --> 00:25:03,000
And oddly enough, they have slight pricks
on their penises, the male. They have slight...

407
00:25:03,087 --> 00:25:05,521
- A barb, to interlock.
- A slight barb so that the... Yeah.

408
00:25:05,607 --> 00:25:07,882
They can catch fish as well.

409
00:25:09,647 --> 00:25:12,525
What is the most dangerous animal
in the history of the world?

410
00:25:12,607 --> 00:25:13,960
- (low chime)
- Yes?

411
00:25:14,047 --> 00:25:16,720
A sloth driving a petrol tanker.

412
00:25:17,607 --> 00:25:20,167
- Very good. Very good.
- Listening to Radio 2.

413
00:25:20,247 --> 00:25:22,636
- I'll give you ten for that. No.
- (Alan) Human beings.

414
00:25:23,727 --> 00:25:26,446
- Human beings, you might argue is true.
- Lions.

415
00:25:26,527 --> 00:25:27,926
- Not lions.
- (low chime)

416
00:25:28,007 --> 00:25:30,646
Japanese fighting tortoise.

417
00:25:30,727 --> 00:25:33,480
No. If I tell you this animal
was responsible for the deaths

418
00:25:33,567 --> 00:25:35,762
of probably half the human beings
who've ever lived.

419
00:25:35,847 --> 00:25:38,680
- Mosquito.
- Goldfish.

420
00:25:39,487 --> 00:25:42,160
So close. Alan was in fact right,
it is the mosquito.

421
00:25:42,247 --> 00:25:46,684
Half the human beings who've ever lived
are reckoned to have been killed

422
00:25:46,767 --> 00:25:49,042
- by the mosquito.
- 3,000 people die of malaria every day.

423
00:25:49,127 --> 00:25:53,405
That's 45 billion human beings in our history.
But it depends what you mean by people,

424
00:25:53,487 --> 00:25:56,081
how far you go back
in our evolutionary history.

425
00:25:56,167 --> 00:25:58,920
- Well, you know, humans sort of...
- Homo erectus.

426
00:25:59,007 --> 00:26:01,475
Glad to hear about that.

427
00:26:02,287 --> 00:26:04,721
Could you introduce us?

428
00:26:04,807 --> 00:26:06,798
No. Stop it.

429
00:26:07,727 --> 00:26:10,605
It is arguable that the most dangerous
animal in the world now

430
00:26:10,847 --> 00:26:13,077
is the common housefly,
which is also responsible...

431
00:26:13,167 --> 00:26:15,840
- Not that common housefly?
- Yes, the common housefly.

432
00:26:15,927 --> 00:26:17,440
- Drops his aitches.
- Absolutely.

433
00:26:17,527 --> 00:26:20,883
Leaves the washing-up for days.

434
00:26:20,967 --> 00:26:22,958
- Who are the lords of shouting?
- (medium-pitched chime)

435
00:26:23,047 --> 00:26:25,038
We are!

436
00:26:26,327 --> 00:26:30,445
Very good, very good. I like that.
You can have five each for that.

437
00:26:30,527 --> 00:26:35,282
No, the answer, extraordinarily,
is that they are angels, unlike you.

438
00:26:35,367 --> 00:26:42,125
According to Jewish mysticism, 10,500,000
of them sing to God at dawn every morning,

439
00:26:42,207 --> 00:26:45,756
led by the angel Jeduthun,
the Master of Howling.

440
00:26:45,847 --> 00:26:48,919
And who cut off Samson's hair, in the Bible?

441
00:26:49,007 --> 00:26:51,157
- (high chime)
- Nicky Clarke.

442
00:26:51,247 --> 00:26:54,478
No. Anybody any thoughts on that?

443
00:26:54,567 --> 00:26:56,285
- Delilah.
- (alarm bells)

444
00:26:56,367 --> 00:26:59,359
(Stephen) You've done it again.
You've done it again.

445
00:27:00,567 --> 00:27:03,400
No, no, no, she didn't, not in the Bible.

446
00:27:03,487 --> 00:27:08,242
There's actually, I know about this,
because it's an old American con trick.

447
00:27:08,327 --> 00:27:11,683
You get a couple of American con artists.

448
00:27:11,767 --> 00:27:16,841
One would go into a bar and he would
get drunk, or appear to get very drunk,

449
00:27:16,927 --> 00:27:19,566
and be rather obnoxious,
and his partner would come in,

450
00:27:19,647 --> 00:27:22,400
and across the bar they would
just start having this discussion

451
00:27:22,487 --> 00:27:25,524
and the more sober one would say
something about having had his hair cut,

452
00:27:25,607 --> 00:27:29,077
like you know, "I feel like Samson
having his hair cut off by Delilah."

453
00:27:29,167 --> 00:27:32,443
And the drunk one would say,
"What do you mean Delilah?"

454
00:27:32,527 --> 00:27:35,200
He says, "In the Bible,
when Delilah cuts off Samson's hair."

455
00:27:35,287 --> 00:27:38,085
"It doesn't say Delilah cut off Samson's hair."

456
00:27:38,167 --> 00:27:42,080
And, anyway, he starts getting a bet.
He says, "I bet you $ 10,000 it doesn't say it."

457
00:27:42,767 --> 00:27:46,157
And everyone's so pissed off by this extremely
annoying drunk, that they join in the bet.

458
00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:51,037
And in the Bible it reveals that Delilah
calls for a servant to cut off Samson's hair.

459
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:56,247
- It is a ridiculous trick question.
- Is he played by Mel Gibson?

460
00:27:56,327 --> 00:27:58,921
Victor Mature.

461
00:27:59,007 --> 00:28:02,238
It's time now, ladies and gentlemen,
for that exciting moment

462
00:28:02,327 --> 00:28:04,124
where I announce the final scores.

463
00:28:04,207 --> 00:28:08,883
In fourth place, I'm afraid, is Alan with ten.

464
00:28:08,967 --> 00:28:10,446
Second equal, Jeremy and Jo with 15.

465
00:28:10,527 --> 00:28:13,485
But our winner tonight
is Dave Gorman with 20 points.

466
00:28:13,567 --> 00:28:15,558
(applause)

467
00:28:18,047 --> 00:28:20,322
Well, that about wraps it up for QI.

468
00:28:20,407 --> 00:28:23,479
It only remains for me
to thank Jo, Alan, Dave and Jeremy,

469
00:28:23,567 --> 00:28:27,082
and to pose one last pertinent
and quite interesting question, and it is this:

470
00:28:27,167 --> 00:28:30,079
What's long and pink
and hard in the morning?

471
00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:33,204
Answer - the Financial Times crossword.

472
00:28:33,287 --> 00:28:36,359
- Good night. Thank you.
- (applause)