1
00:00:23,562 --> 00:00:26,030
(applause)

2
00:00:31,082 --> 00:00:34,154
Well, hello and welcome

3
00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:38,918
to this special Christmas-shopping-
coach-trip and office-lunch edition of QI

4
00:00:39,002 --> 00:00:42,915
which, as tradition dictates,
takes place in mid-November.

5
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:46,119
Let's meet the people who are going to be
sick on the pavement later.

6
00:00:46,202 --> 00:00:48,318
- Phill Jupitus.
- (applause)

7
00:00:48,402 --> 00:00:50,358
John Sessions.

8
00:00:50,442 --> 00:00:54,037
- Sean Lock and Alan Davies.
- (applause continues)

9
00:00:56,642 --> 00:00:59,600
Now, the four rules of Christmas

10
00:00:59,682 --> 00:01:03,311
are we're going to be a bit disappointed
by what we get from each other,

11
00:01:03,402 --> 00:01:08,601
there'll be the usual long rambling argument,
one of us will go out in a sulk about losing,

12
00:01:08,682 --> 00:01:10,673
and it'll all go on much too long.

13
00:01:10,762 --> 00:01:15,711
Each of you has been given
a strange unwanted present by a mad aunt.

14
00:01:15,802 --> 00:01:19,033
- Phill's goes...
- (bells jingle)

15
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:22,319
...and John's goes...
- (church bells ring)

16
00:01:22,402 --> 00:01:25,838
- Sean's goes...
- (bells tinkle)

17
00:01:25,922 --> 00:01:28,152
...and Alan goes...

18
00:01:28,242 --> 00:01:30,233
(car horns blare)

19
00:01:32,042 --> 00:01:34,636
And I go to the lavatory,
having eaten too many figs.

20
00:01:34,722 --> 00:01:38,431
Now, seconds out,
fists clenched on those buzzers.

21
00:01:38,522 --> 00:01:42,595
What would you do
with a bag of Gripples at Christmas?

22
00:01:42,682 --> 00:01:45,116
- (bells jingle)
- (Stephen) Phill?

23
00:01:45,202 --> 00:01:49,718
You'd be the most popular person
at an S and M Christmas party.

24
00:01:50,602 --> 00:01:53,833
- Because the Gripple, it grips...
- (laughter)

25
00:01:55,242 --> 00:01:58,279
The Gripples have arrived!
The Gripples have arrived!

26
00:01:58,362 --> 00:02:03,880
It sounds a bit northern, because it sounds
to me something like pork scratchings.

27
00:02:03,962 --> 00:02:07,159
Because pork scratchings,
originally, you weren't supposed to eat them.

28
00:02:07,242 --> 00:02:09,312
Originally they were...
You put them together,

29
00:02:09,402 --> 00:02:13,281
you got a bag of them at Christmas,
and it was like a sort of pig Meccano set.

30
00:02:13,362 --> 00:02:16,911
Put all the pork scratchings together...

31
00:02:17,002 --> 00:02:19,436
- You get a whole pig.
...and you've have a whole pig.

32
00:02:19,522 --> 00:02:23,071
- Add water, it starts running about.
- (laughter)

33
00:02:23,247 --> 00:02:25,238
If I said Gripple,
or if I wrote Gripple,

34
00:02:25,327 --> 00:02:30,355
I'd probably have to put R with a circle round
after it, which would mean what?

35
00:02:30,447 --> 00:02:33,644
- A circle round your R?
- Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

36
00:02:33,727 --> 00:02:36,605
- What?
- Can I turn for sanity?

37
00:02:36,687 --> 00:02:38,962
Is that mathematical?
What does a circle round an R mean?

38
00:02:39,047 --> 00:02:41,356
- Registered trademark, dear!
- Oh!

39
00:02:41,447 --> 00:02:45,156
The only time I've heard the word before was
when I saw an evangelical ventriloquist act

40
00:02:45,247 --> 00:02:49,240
saying, ''And Jesus healed the Gripples.''

41
00:02:50,247 --> 00:02:53,319
It's the only time I've heard it before.
And you can't have a bag of them.

42
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:57,605
Well, at Christmas time you would use it
in one of London's main thoroughfares.

43
00:02:57,687 --> 00:03:00,121
What happens famously in London
at Christmas time?

44
00:03:00,207 --> 00:03:01,606
- (John ) A Gripple?
- Lights.

45
00:03:01,687 --> 00:03:03,837
Lights in Regent Street use Gripples.

46
00:03:03,927 --> 00:03:08,125
Something rather like from a bulldog clip,
to hold up lovely Christmas decorations.

47
00:03:08,207 --> 00:03:10,926
- (Stephen ) I'll give you five points.
- It's a gripping device?

48
00:03:11,007 --> 00:03:14,443
(Stephen ) It's a gripping device.
The longest fence in the world uses Gripples.

49
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,245
- Does it?
- (Stephen ) Yeah.

50
00:03:16,327 --> 00:03:21,799
- Two points if you tell me the longest fence.
- (John ) The Great Fence of China.

51
00:03:21,887 --> 00:03:26,836
It's to keep people off the Great Wall.
About ten feet away from it.

52
00:03:27,647 --> 00:03:29,717
- Australia.
- (Stephen ) Australia is the right...

53
00:03:29,807 --> 00:03:34,005
I'll give you two for that, indeed. It's the great
Dingo Fence, 5,000 kilometres long.

54
00:03:34,087 --> 00:03:38,638
Gripples are small but revolutionary wire clips,
invented and made in Sheffield.

55
00:03:38,727 --> 00:03:41,161
They're used to string up
the Blackpool Illuminations,

56
00:03:41,247 --> 00:03:43,807
support air-conditioning ducts
over false ceilings,

57
00:03:43,887 --> 00:03:46,765
suspend Brazilian coffee beans
off the ground to dry them,

58
00:03:46,847 --> 00:03:49,077
and hold together
the world's longest fence.

59
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,920
So, now,
at the end of the programme,

60
00:03:52,007 --> 00:03:56,125
I'm going to be judging
the QI Christmas colouring competition,

61
00:03:56,207 --> 00:04:00,325
and I want you all, each of you,
individually, to draw a Christmas tree.

62
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:05,242
Now, a puppy is for life,
not just for Christmas, as we all know.

63
00:04:05,327 --> 00:04:09,843
Apart from dogs, what was the first
domesticated animal...? Ah, there are puppies.

64
00:04:09,927 --> 00:04:13,636
What was the first domesticated animal

65
00:04:13,727 --> 00:04:17,800
that you could've found, as a human being,
nestled around your Christmas fire?

66
00:04:17,887 --> 00:04:20,117
- (church bells ring)
- (Stephen ) Johnny?

67
00:04:20,207 --> 00:04:23,995
In the very early days of Christmas,
before the Victorians really laid in with it,

68
00:04:24,087 --> 00:04:28,319
turkeys would be brought into the house,
around the tree, and pampered and stroked

69
00:04:28,407 --> 00:04:31,205
because of their lovely feathers,
and this was lovely for centuries.

70
00:04:31,287 --> 00:04:34,359
Then suddenly they were ripped open,
had an apple shoved up their arseholes

71
00:04:34,447 --> 00:04:36,244
and it all went horribly wrong.

72
00:04:36,327 --> 00:04:39,683
- (Stephen ) It can be fun though.
- Yeah.

73
00:04:39,767 --> 00:04:41,997
(applause)

74
00:04:43,087 --> 00:04:48,764
Unfortunately I missed the question because
I was sniffing the pens. Could you repeat it?

75
00:04:49,447 --> 00:04:55,158
Yes. Which was the second species of animal
for humans to domesticate after the dog?

76
00:04:55,247 --> 00:04:58,205
- The cat.
- (Stephen ) No.

77
00:04:59,127 --> 00:05:01,197
Prove it!

78
00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:05,476
- A mouse, a pig.
- You'll have to take my word for it.

79
00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:09,446
- The chicken, the hens. Cows?
- No. He's on a list again.

80
00:05:09,527 --> 00:05:11,279
- Gerbils, hamsters, budgies?
- No.

81
00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:14,404
- A sheep.
- (laughter)

82
00:05:14,487 --> 00:05:17,126
- We've all cuddled sheep before.
- (Stephen ) Blitzen, Comet...

83
00:05:17,207 --> 00:05:19,198
- (Alan ) You can't buy animals...
- (Stephen ) Rudolph!

84
00:05:19,287 --> 00:05:22,279
- Reindeer.
- Oh, well done!

85
00:05:22,367 --> 00:05:24,562
(applause)

86
00:05:24,647 --> 00:05:26,365
Fabulous.

87
00:05:26,447 --> 00:05:29,678
How did you pluck that
out of the air?

88
00:05:29,767 --> 00:05:32,201
- When you said Rudolph, it reminded me...
- (Stephen ) Did it?

89
00:05:32,287 --> 00:05:35,438
- ..of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
- I must be more guarded with my tongue.

90
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:41,399
But when you shouted ''Blitzen'' at me,
I was just scared.

91
00:05:41,487 --> 00:05:43,876
- (Stephen ) Fair point.
- That's why you shouldn't be a teacher.

92
00:05:43,967 --> 00:05:47,118
- You're right. Yeah. No, no.
- Let's go back again. Reindeers were pets?

93
00:05:47,207 --> 00:05:49,482
They were domesticated.
Not quite the same as pets.

94
00:05:49,567 --> 00:05:54,595
Did they have a big wheel
in the lounge for the reindeer?

95
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:58,043
- You know, reindeer flap in the back door.
- Yeah, yeah.

96
00:05:58,127 --> 00:06:02,359
A massive water bottle strapped to the side
of the house with a funnel that came through.

97
00:06:02,447 --> 00:06:06,884
What's that Tony Hancock joke? Where he
sees the reindeer head on the wall and says:

98
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:11,040
''Cor! He must have been shifting
when he hit the other side of that wall.''

99
00:06:11,127 --> 00:06:13,004
(Stephen ) Very good.

100
00:06:13,087 --> 00:06:16,682
I'll give someone two points if they can
give me another common name for a reindeer.

101
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,439
- (church bells ring)
- (Stephen ) Johnny.

102
00:06:18,527 --> 00:06:21,644
- A snow horse.
- (laughter)

103
00:06:21,727 --> 00:06:24,560
- I call them snow horses all the time.
- (Stephen ) Yes. No.

104
00:06:24,647 --> 00:06:27,639
- A buck.
- (Stephen ) No. In North America.

105
00:06:27,727 --> 00:06:29,046
- Moose.
- (Stephen ) No.

106
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:31,163
- Elk.
- No. Other one.

107
00:06:31,247 --> 00:06:33,841
- (John and Phill) Caribou.
- (Stephen ) You said that together.

108
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:35,645
One each.
There we are.

109
00:06:35,727 --> 00:06:38,287
All right. No, a reindeer.
About 14,000 years ago,

110
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:41,882
hunter-gatherers on what is now
the Russian-Mongolian border

111
00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:45,323
learned to lure caribou away
from their huge migratory groups

112
00:06:45,407 --> 00:06:49,480
- and bred them to create their own herd.
- Psst! Caribou.

113
00:06:49,567 --> 00:06:52,161
Psst! Caribou.

114
00:06:52,247 --> 00:06:54,556
- Are you being a Mongolian?
- No, I'm being a caribou now.

115
00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:56,922
- (Stephen ) Oh, right.
- Me?

116
00:06:57,007 --> 00:06:58,998
(laughter)

117
00:07:00,847 --> 00:07:05,523
- Like that. That's how they lured them away.
- That's how they lured them, yes. Yes.

118
00:07:05,607 --> 00:07:08,405
- Very nice. Excellent.
- (applause)

119
00:07:10,367 --> 00:07:13,996
And they were, to those early tribes,
they were the kind of walking corner shop,

120
00:07:14,087 --> 00:07:18,524
offering meat, milk,
fur for clothing, shelter, friendship.

121
00:07:18,607 --> 00:07:22,998
Today there are three million domesticated
reindeer, mostly in the wastes of Lapland,

122
00:07:23,087 --> 00:07:25,999
which stretches across Sweden,
Norway, Finland and Russia.

123
00:07:26,087 --> 00:07:30,285
The Lapps, who herd them,
prefer to call themselves the Sami,

124
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:34,440
even though they seem to be unaware
that it means ''the plebs'' in ancient Swedish.

125
00:07:34,527 --> 00:07:38,725
Now, why would a male reindeer
fancy Rudolph?

126
00:07:39,367 --> 00:07:43,724
The female genital organs
will be round and bright red,

127
00:07:43,807 --> 00:07:46,241
much like Rudolph's nose.

128
00:07:47,047 --> 00:07:51,802
That's why the male will be attracted to
Rudolph, cos he'll think it's female genitalia.

129
00:07:51,887 --> 00:07:55,243
Oh. A quite, quite intelligent answer.

130
00:07:55,327 --> 00:07:59,525
It's not true, but it's good. Any other
thoughts? Why would a male reindeer...?

131
00:07:59,607 --> 00:08:02,758
- Rudolph was a girl.
- Yes! Is the right answer.

132
00:08:02,847 --> 00:08:04,280
Whoa!

133
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:06,927
- Absolutely right.
- (applause)

134
00:08:09,487 --> 00:08:11,159
- Was he?
- Yeah. We know this...

135
00:08:11,247 --> 00:08:14,045
we know this because in countless
representations of Rudolph,

136
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,800
he is represented
at Christmas Eve with antlers,

137
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:19,560
and only female reindeer
have antlers at Christmas time.

138
00:08:19,647 --> 00:08:23,356
The male reindeer shed their antlers
at the very beginning of winter.

139
00:08:23,447 --> 00:08:27,884
So all of them must be female
if they have antlers, or possibly eunuchs,

140
00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:32,757
because if you castrate a male reindeer,
they keep their antlers.

141
00:08:32,847 --> 00:08:38,160
Also you'd see the silhouette of the bollocks
as it went across the moon.

142
00:08:38,847 --> 00:08:40,439
(applause)

143
00:08:40,527 --> 00:08:46,363
- They really do have great big ball sacks.
- Nadgers. They have nadgers.

144
00:08:46,447 --> 00:08:48,119
- Oh, dear.
- (Alan ) They're enormous.

145
00:08:48,207 --> 00:08:51,722
- Are they?
- They swing. I've been behind a caribou.

146
00:08:51,807 --> 00:08:54,196
- Have you really?
- (laughter)

147
00:08:54,287 --> 00:08:57,882
- In the Rocky Mountains.
- And you've noticed its plums. Yes.

148
00:08:57,967 --> 00:09:01,562
- They swing about.
- Looks like a bag full of Gripples.

149
00:09:01,647 --> 00:09:03,080
They're the biggest...

150
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:08,036
The only other ball sack I've seen that was
even comparable was on a red kangaroo.

151
00:09:08,127 --> 00:09:09,765
- (Stephen ) Really?
- And it...

152
00:09:09,847 --> 00:09:12,441
Are you a scrotumologist
or something?

153
00:09:12,527 --> 00:09:17,237
It was lying... You brought it up. It was lying
on its side scratching its nuts, like that.

154
00:09:17,327 --> 00:09:19,238
That's because at Christmas...

155
00:09:19,327 --> 00:09:24,481
When Alan was ten, at Christmas
he got an I-Spy Knackers of the World.

156
00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:27,843
- I tick them off.
- He ticks them. ''Oh, I've seen those now.''

157
00:09:27,927 --> 00:09:31,158
- ''I've seen the park keeper's.''
- (laughter)

158
00:09:31,247 --> 00:09:33,124
(applause)

159
00:09:34,687 --> 00:09:36,598
''Yeah, that's quite a rare one.''

160
00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:38,757
I misunderstood
spot-the-ball competitions.

161
00:09:38,847 --> 00:09:41,441
They were obviously
much more educational than I thought.

162
00:09:41,527 --> 00:09:46,521
Well, that's enough reindeer.
Why - Alan, for you - why, in days of yore

163
00:09:46,607 --> 00:09:51,362
did the people of rural Yorkshire
gather near their beehives

164
00:09:51,447 --> 00:09:53,642
late on Christmas Eve?

165
00:09:54,647 --> 00:09:58,606
York... It's probably
some sort of money saving.

166
00:09:58,687 --> 00:10:02,236
Congratulations for alienating
the largest county in the country.

167
00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:04,602
They won't be alienated.
They're proud of their thriftiness.

168
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:08,362
(Yorkshire accent) They wouldn't watch
a Southern poof like you anyway, would they?

169
00:10:08,447 --> 00:10:13,282
You've got no common bloody sense! No
gumption. Oh, you've got your book learning.

170
00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:16,165
- You're in trouble now.
- (Stephen ) Oh, I don't care.

171
00:10:16,527 --> 00:10:19,724
That Bernard Ingham type of Yorkshireman
who goes on about common sense,

172
00:10:19,807 --> 00:10:21,877
it drives me (bleep ) nuts!

173
00:10:21,967 --> 00:10:24,845
- It's so annoying. So annoying.
- (applause)

174
00:10:24,927 --> 00:10:28,044
- Sorry.
- Yeah. I agree.

175
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:31,358
- Yeah.
- To listen to the Queen's Speech.

176
00:10:32,127 --> 00:10:36,325
Listen to the Queen's... That's very good.
I like that. That's very good, Sean.

177
00:10:36,407 --> 00:10:41,765
Do they just gather round
in a little sort of huddle around the hive

178
00:10:41,847 --> 00:10:44,202
and they just listen to the...
(buzzes )

179
00:10:44,287 --> 00:10:47,723
And then they go, ''Two, three.
# Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya''

180
00:10:47,807 --> 00:10:52,961
- Do you know, you're just about right?
- You're having a laugh!

181
00:10:53,047 --> 00:10:56,835
Not exactly, but just about.
They do indeed listen for the humming.

182
00:10:56,927 --> 00:11:02,445
They believed that the bees would all
start humming to mark the birth of Christ

183
00:11:02,527 --> 00:11:04,643
at midnight on Christmas Eve.

184
00:11:04,727 --> 00:11:09,642
Honey, of course, as you know from
Yeats' poems, is often associated with semen.

185
00:11:09,727 --> 00:11:11,718
(Stephen ) Yes.

186
00:11:11,807 --> 00:11:14,958
- I just thought I'd throw that in.
- (Stephen ) Yes, very nice. Thank you.

187
00:11:15,047 --> 00:11:17,880
Thank you. Because they take it
onto their boats when they're sailing.

188
00:11:17,967 --> 00:11:20,606
- Yes.
- (Stephen ) Yes. That's right. Good.

189
00:11:20,687 --> 00:11:22,882
(laughter and applause)

190
00:11:23,927 --> 00:11:28,443
So, yes, they would have the ''bee-loud dale''
in Yorkshire, where the bees would hum.

191
00:11:28,527 --> 00:11:31,724
Amazingly, they really believed it happened.
And even the bees, apparently -

192
00:11:31,807 --> 00:11:34,844
according to the Yorkshiremen
who claim that they did hum at midnight -

193
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:40,365
even after 1752, when the calendar changed
and 12 days disappeared,

194
00:11:40,447 --> 00:11:43,723
the bees noticed the change
from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar

195
00:11:43,807 --> 00:11:47,243
and still buzzed
at exactly midnight on Christmas Eve.

196
00:11:47,327 --> 00:11:49,682
(hums )

197
00:11:51,647 --> 00:11:57,563
(Yorkshire accent) Your brother's
killed your kestrel. Go and warm up the bees.

198
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:02,718
The Romans called York ''Eboracum'',

199
00:12:02,807 --> 00:12:06,083
which I always thought was just them
misunderstanding locals saying:

200
00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:08,601
(Yorkshire accent) ''Eeeber-I-come.''

201
00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:14,937
Still, anyway, why might you have thought
twice about accepting the offer of a mince pie

202
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,757
if it was made, this offer, in 1657?

203
00:12:17,847 --> 00:12:20,759
Or, indeed, if the mince pie...
If someone offered you a mince pie? Yes?

204
00:12:20,847 --> 00:12:25,716
Well, because that's three minutes before
teatime and it would just spoil your appetite.

205
00:12:25,807 --> 00:12:28,446
Hey. Very good.

206
00:12:28,527 --> 00:12:31,837
- Very good. No, the year of our Lord, 1657.
- (church bells ring)

207
00:12:31,927 --> 00:12:33,246
Yes?

208
00:12:33,327 --> 00:12:37,081
Let's look at the date for a moment. 1657 was
the year before the death of Oliver Cromwell.

209
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:42,241
- (Stephen ) Very good. That is relevant.
- Who was a huge hater of poofs.

210
00:12:42,327 --> 00:12:45,364
So even to put a hand,

211
00:12:45,447 --> 00:12:50,396
even if it wasn't in a particularly Cecil Beaton
kind of a way, near a mince pie

212
00:12:50,487 --> 00:12:53,877
might be enough to indicate that
you are a lover of the lavender passageway,

213
00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:57,846
- which might indicate that...
- (laughter)

214
00:12:57,927 --> 00:12:59,758
- ..you were for it.
- (Stephen ) Yes.

215
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:05,444
Which led to the euphemism of slinging
the mince pie up the lavender passageway.

216
00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:11,477
- Brandy butter?
- (laughter)

217
00:13:12,767 --> 00:13:16,316
Take this clue.
Oliver Cromwell was running the country.

218
00:13:16,407 --> 00:13:18,398
Oliver Cromwell barred them?

219
00:13:18,487 --> 00:13:21,240
- Yes, he did ban them.
- No mince pies for anyone.

220
00:13:21,327 --> 00:13:25,286
There is a particular reason, though. They had
a particular connotation, which wasn't sexual.

221
00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:30,441
They had... Cromwell, Commonwealth,
made his own money and you didn't have...

222
00:13:30,527 --> 00:13:34,645
They were big coins. Big, big.
Commonwealth money? Massive, whoppers.

223
00:13:34,727 --> 00:13:37,799
One of them in a pie, oesophagus...
(chokes )

224
00:13:37,887 --> 00:13:42,358
I'll tell you what it is.
Mince pies were said to symbolise something

225
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:45,917
that Cromwell stood foursquare against.

226
00:13:46,007 --> 00:13:48,316
- (John ) Catholicism.
- Catholicism. Five points.

227
00:13:48,407 --> 00:13:50,841
- Why?
- ''Why'' is a very good question.

228
00:13:50,927 --> 00:13:56,047
Well, Catholics did use them as discreet ways
of displaying their membership

229
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:57,765
- of the mother of churches.
- Who's he?

230
00:13:57,847 --> 00:14:02,284
He is some species of cardinal
or Monseigneur, by the look of it.

231
00:14:02,367 --> 00:14:06,076
Oh, so they're not Siamese twins
that have just been separated?

232
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:09,796
- They're both cardinals.
- (Stephen ) No, they're not.

233
00:14:09,887 --> 00:14:12,845
- What made him do that?
- (Stephen ) That's a blessing. They do that.

234
00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:16,158
(Phill) He's waiting for someone
to throw the mince pie.

235
00:14:16,247 --> 00:14:17,965
He's hailing an altar boy.

236
00:14:18,047 --> 00:14:21,676
(Phill) He's at the other end
of the lavender passageway.

237
00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:27,000
- Mince pie. Mince pie, please.
- They were hated papist symbols.

238
00:14:27,087 --> 00:14:31,399
It was derived from the... Pastry sweetmeats
were given by the people of Rome

239
00:14:31,487 --> 00:14:33,682
to the priests of the Vatican
on Christmas Eve,

240
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:36,964
and so they were symbols of Catholicism
for that reason.

241
00:14:37,047 --> 00:14:40,437
The English versions
were often topped with graven images,

242
00:14:40,527 --> 00:14:45,521
and baked in the shape of a crib
and a manger and a little pastry baby Jesus.

243
00:14:45,607 --> 00:14:48,405
- In the mountains of Nuremberg in...
- (Alan ) Germany.

244
00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:50,557
Well done, there.

245
00:14:50,647 --> 00:14:54,720
- Where they have the rally.
- Yes, that's right. Every now and again.

246
00:14:54,807 --> 00:14:56,843
Sadly discontinued.

247
00:14:56,927 --> 00:15:01,955
There's a village in Nuremberg whose name
means ''eavesdropper'' in German.

248
00:15:02,047 --> 00:15:04,356
Now, what did this village
provide the whole world with

249
00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:07,598
for more than
100 consecutive Christmases?

250
00:15:07,687 --> 00:15:10,918
- (Sean ) War criminals.
- (laughter)

251
00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:15,561
- (applause)
- Oh, dear.

252
00:15:15,647 --> 00:15:20,038
You know,
the old tradition of roasting a war criminal.

253
00:15:20,527 --> 00:15:23,485
With a glass of sherry.
''Cheers, Mr Pumblechook.''

254
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:27,603
(Stephen ) God in heaven!

255
00:15:27,687 --> 00:15:31,362
- Oh, Lord.
- Compliments of the season.

256
00:15:31,447 --> 00:15:35,440
- (Stephen ) Did they...?
- (German accent) ''I was obeying orders!''

257
00:15:35,527 --> 00:15:38,883
(Alan does impression
of a German war criminal)

258
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:42,357
Good. Anybody got any...?

259
00:15:42,447 --> 00:15:44,483
A Klaus Barbie.

260
00:15:45,847 --> 00:15:48,645
(Stephen ) ''We're having a Klaus.''

261
00:15:48,727 --> 00:15:52,925
- ''Everybody's welcome to our winter...''
- Come round. We've got a Klaus on the go.

262
00:15:53,007 --> 00:15:55,123
Santa Klaus, in fact.

263
00:15:55,207 --> 00:15:57,562
- So, no.
- Now, erm...

264
00:15:57,647 --> 00:16:01,083
- (Stephen ) Johnny?
- (church bells ring)

265
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:03,681
Nuremberg, of course...
One instantly, if one is a Wagnerian,

266
00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:07,123
thinks of one of Wagner's last operas,
The Meistersingers.

267
00:16:07,207 --> 00:16:10,199
Would they possibly
have provided the world

268
00:16:10,287 --> 00:16:14,280
with the leading songmeister,

269
00:16:14,367 --> 00:16:16,927
the Liedermeister,
like Hans Sachs in the opera?

270
00:16:17,007 --> 00:16:18,679
- Oh, I see. No, no.
- (John ) No?

271
00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:21,327
No, no. No, no.

272
00:16:21,407 --> 00:16:27,721
You were just saying what everybody else was
thinking, but in fact it obviously is not true.

273
00:16:27,807 --> 00:16:29,877
- Walnut Whips.
- (Stephen ) Nor Walnut Whips. No.

274
00:16:29,967 --> 00:16:33,960
Christmas. At Christmas time for 100 years,
this village devoted itself...

275
00:16:34,047 --> 00:16:35,526
Brazil nuts.

276
00:16:35,607 --> 00:16:39,680
You can't manufacture brazil nuts
in a German town.

277
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:42,600
You can't do it.
No. Come on.

278
00:16:42,687 --> 00:16:45,679
- Baubles, tinsel.
- Baubles is the right answer.

279
00:16:45,767 --> 00:16:49,043
- They were the only place that made them?
- Baubles, the only place.

280
00:16:49,127 --> 00:16:50,958
Almost the only place.

281
00:16:51,047 --> 00:16:55,165
No, between 1840
and the end of World War II,

282
00:16:55,247 --> 00:17:00,560
a single German village, Lauscha, and
Lauscher is the German for ''eavesdropper'',

283
00:17:00,647 --> 00:17:02,638
supplied the entire globe with them.

284
00:17:02,727 --> 00:17:05,844
Local glass-makers
were the first to have the idea

285
00:17:05,927 --> 00:17:10,398
that balls might look cute on a Christmas tree,
and it became the village's principal export,

286
00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:14,366
with almost every house in the village
converted into a small factory.

287
00:17:14,447 --> 00:17:19,396
At its peak, 95% of Christmas-tree balls
in America came from Lauscha.

288
00:17:19,487 --> 00:17:23,639
Do you think Hitler's Christmas tree
only had one ball hanging on it?

289
00:17:23,727 --> 00:17:25,126
Or did he sort of...?

290
00:17:25,207 --> 00:17:28,358
(Stephen ) It's highly likely.
Highly likely. But there you are.

291
00:17:28,447 --> 00:17:31,564
What Christmas tradition
did American insurance companies

292
00:17:31,647 --> 00:17:33,922
try to ban in the year 1908?

293
00:17:34,007 --> 00:17:35,725
- (church bells ring)
- Johnny?

294
00:17:35,807 --> 00:17:40,517
I was given this thought earlier by something
Phill said, and I think I've got this, actually.

295
00:17:40,607 --> 00:17:45,158
They banned the placing of dimes,
not sixpences, in Christmas puddings,

296
00:17:45,247 --> 00:17:47,044
because too many people were choking.

297
00:17:47,127 --> 00:17:50,722
No. It's an intelligent answer and it had,
oddly, nothing to do with Wagner, again,

298
00:17:50,807 --> 00:17:54,402
but it's not right.
It's not right. No. It's not right.

299
00:17:54,487 --> 00:17:58,924
Did you know that the first ever
life-insurance policy was taken out,

300
00:17:59,007 --> 00:18:01,441
I think, in about 1863?

301
00:18:01,527 --> 00:18:05,679
And a man called... Was it Stanley Gibbons?
No, he's the stamp bloke.

302
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:07,519
Anyway, he was called Gibbons,

303
00:18:07,607 --> 00:18:11,520
and he insured his life for ?383 or something,
for a year.

304
00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:15,236
And he died
four weeks short of the year,

305
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:19,798
so his family turned up
to claim the first ever life-insurance policy,

306
00:18:19,887 --> 00:18:22,879
and the underwriters - there were
16 underwriters - they all got together

307
00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:27,757
and they decided that the only way they were
gonna avoid paying this huge sum of money

308
00:18:27,847 --> 00:18:31,237
was to define a year
on their own terms.

309
00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:35,878
And they decided
that a year was 12 times four weeks,

310
00:18:35,967 --> 00:18:39,084
because that's a month approximately.
So they said no.

311
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:44,321
Strictly, by defining a year,
he lived for the full term.

312
00:18:44,407 --> 00:18:46,762
But they've changed,
insurance companies, haven't they?

313
00:18:46,847 --> 00:18:50,044
- Yes.
- (Stephen ) Now... now they love to pay out.

314
00:18:50,127 --> 00:18:56,157
And they say, ''Oh, to hell with the small
print. Here's your money.'' If that's true... Yes?

315
00:18:56,247 --> 00:18:59,717
I have an image of an early
black-and-white film, a Christmas film.

316
00:18:59,807 --> 00:19:04,722
- They had live candles all over the place.
- Ah! Johnny, I smell five points. Quite right.

317
00:19:04,807 --> 00:19:08,083
Chicago Hospital burned down in 1885,
the whole hospital,

318
00:19:08,167 --> 00:19:11,284
because of a candle
on a Christmas tree.

319
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:17,806
Three separate Father Christmases died -
and this isn't funny, by the way -

320
00:19:17,887 --> 00:19:22,403
by bending down to pick up presents
under the tree and their beards catching fire.

321
00:19:22,487 --> 00:19:25,877
There's a Christmas to remember.
You're that kid, Santa bends down, comes up:

322
00:19:25,967 --> 00:19:28,117
''Aargh! Aargh!''

323
00:19:28,207 --> 00:19:29,606
''Aargh!''

324
00:19:29,687 --> 00:19:32,804
Now, when Paris -
the city in France -

325
00:19:32,887 --> 00:19:37,199
when it was under siege in 1870
from the Prussians, all the food ran out.

326
00:19:37,287 --> 00:19:41,246
What Christmas dinner was improvised by
Voisin's, the fashionable Parisian restaurant?

327
00:19:41,327 --> 00:19:43,557
Ratatouille.

328
00:19:43,647 --> 00:19:45,922
Now, there you are.
That's an old Blackadder joke,

329
00:19:46,007 --> 00:19:49,841
and oddly enough,
you're absolutely right again. Rat.

330
00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:52,839
- They had rat?
- They had rat.

331
00:19:52,927 --> 00:19:57,603
Well done. Ratatouille.
They raided the zoos and the sewers

332
00:19:57,687 --> 00:20:01,123
and they prepared things like
consomme of elephant, literally,

333
00:20:01,207 --> 00:20:04,279
braised kangaroo, antelope pte

334
00:20:04,367 --> 00:20:07,120
and whole cat garnished with rats.

335
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:11,359
That's why Chinese cooking is so varied,
cos during times of famine they improvise.

336
00:20:11,447 --> 00:20:14,245
And there's a famous Chinese dish
called ''three-squeak''.

337
00:20:14,327 --> 00:20:19,526
What it is, is they get a pregnant rat and they
wait for it to have its babies, little baby rats,

338
00:20:19,607 --> 00:20:22,838
and the reason it's called ''three-squeak''
is cos it squeaks three times.

339
00:20:22,927 --> 00:20:24,918
Once when you pick it up.
(squeaks )

340
00:20:25,007 --> 00:20:27,282
Once when you dip it in the chilli sauce.
(squeak)

341
00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:31,804
And once when you bite into it.
(squeaks ) And it's called ''three-squeak''.

342
00:20:31,887 --> 00:20:35,675
Oh, my goodness. Well done.
Two points for that for fascinating information.

343
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:41,205
If you time it right, you can do
the ''Birdie Song'', if all the family's going...

344
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:46,121
- (Stephen ) Excellent.
- (John ) Can I try my... my pausing joke?

345
00:20:46,207 --> 00:20:48,846
- Please do.
- The late, lamented, great Sir John Gielgud

346
00:20:48,927 --> 00:20:51,760
was directing a young actor
in the West End once,

347
00:20:51,847 --> 00:20:55,601
and the young actor was pausing a lot,
as young actors tend to do.

348
00:20:55,687 --> 00:20:57,996
And Gielgud said to him,
''Oh, stop. No, no.''

349
00:20:58,087 --> 00:21:00,999
''No. no, you must never pause.
Never pause in the West End.''

350
00:21:01,087 --> 00:21:03,555
''I paused many, many years ago,

351
00:21:03,647 --> 00:21:06,719
and during the silence
I heard a voice from the third row go:

352
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:10,197
'Oh! You hideous beast!
You've just come all over my umbrella!'''

353
00:21:10,287 --> 00:21:12,278
(laughter)

354
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:21,485
That's very odd.
That's fantastic.

355
00:21:22,527 --> 00:21:22,925
Wonderful.

356
00:21:23,007 --> 00:21:27,080
Time once again to bang our collective heads
against the brick wall of understanding

357
00:21:27,167 --> 00:21:30,045
in the quick-fire round
they call General Ignorance.

358
00:21:30,127 --> 00:21:34,643
Which is the odd one out here?
Paris, London, Poland or banana?

359
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:37,161
- (bells jingle/church bells ring)
- Phill got there first.

360
00:21:37,247 --> 00:21:39,442
Poland and banana
are both the odd ones out, Stephen,

361
00:21:39,527 --> 00:21:43,361
because Down and Out in Poland and Banana
would be a terrible book.

362
00:21:43,447 --> 00:21:46,519
That's very true. Good thought.
Yes, hello?

363
00:21:46,607 --> 00:21:48,996
I think it's got something to do with
Help the Aged.

364
00:21:49,087 --> 00:21:53,319
They've got branches
in Paris, London, Poland. Banana...?

365
00:21:55,807 --> 00:21:59,197
Hitler never invaded
or planned to invade Banana.

366
00:21:59,287 --> 00:22:03,678
That's true. That's a very good answer. None
of them is the odd one out is the answer.

367
00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:05,997
Do you know why?

368
00:22:06,087 --> 00:22:08,726
What kind of a hellish quiz is this?

369
00:22:09,847 --> 00:22:13,078
- (Stephen ) Fair point.
- What one's the odd one out? None of them!

370
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:15,556
Ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha!

371
00:22:15,647 --> 00:22:17,319
(laughter)

372
00:22:17,407 --> 00:22:19,682
- (Stephen ) Hey, is that me?
- That's you.

373
00:22:19,767 --> 00:22:23,555
Oh, bugger you!
I don't sound like that.

374
00:22:23,647 --> 00:22:26,878
- Baa, baa, baa.
- Baa.

375
00:22:26,967 --> 00:22:31,438
- What is there that's called Christmas?
- (John ) Islands. Where the bananas grow.

376
00:22:31,527 --> 00:22:33,358
- (Stephen ) No.
- Or don't grow.

377
00:22:33,447 --> 00:22:35,677
- Where the Pope grows.
- They're planning to grow.

378
00:22:35,767 --> 00:22:38,201
They're all places
in the Christmas Islands.

379
00:22:38,287 --> 00:22:40,357
There's a place called London,
a place called Paris,

380
00:22:40,447 --> 00:22:42,836
a place called Poland,
a place called Banana.

381
00:22:42,927 --> 00:22:48,001
It's the largest atoll in the Pacific and has the
fastest-growing population in the world, 7.7%.

382
00:22:48,087 --> 00:22:51,636
How about that? Amazing. Now,
what is the youngest age...? Think carefully.

383
00:22:51,727 --> 00:22:56,278
What is the youngest age that a child
can knock back a pint of mulled wine

384
00:22:56,367 --> 00:23:00,042
or a couple of double brandies
in a restaurant beer garden in the UK?

385
00:23:00,127 --> 00:23:02,004
(car horns blare)

386
00:23:02,087 --> 00:23:04,476
- 18.
- (alarm bells )

387
00:23:04,567 --> 00:23:08,355
- No. No, dear. No.
- (bells tinkle)

388
00:23:08,447 --> 00:23:12,679
- (Stephen ) Yes?
- 12 if you met them on the internet.

389
00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:14,837
(laughter and applause)

390
00:23:16,567 --> 00:23:18,159
- (Alan ) Oh, dear.
- (Stephen sighs )

391
00:23:18,247 --> 00:23:24,356
You can't have double brandy in a pub
unless you're 18.

392
00:23:24,447 --> 00:23:26,324
- The answer is five years old.
- (Sean ) Yeah?

393
00:23:26,407 --> 00:23:28,841
- What?
- (Stephen ) Five years old. Yes.

394
00:23:28,927 --> 00:23:32,522
It's only illegal
for children between five and 18

395
00:23:32,607 --> 00:23:38,318
to consume alcoholic drinks in the bar -
a place defined by the law

396
00:23:38,407 --> 00:23:43,640
as chiefly or exclusively for the sale
and consumption of alcoholic drinks.

397
00:23:44,327 --> 00:23:45,840
Pub restaurants
and gardens don't count,

398
00:23:45,927 --> 00:23:48,760
provided the child
has the drink bought by an adult.

399
00:23:48,847 --> 00:23:51,645
They're not allowed at the bar.
How does the child get the round in then?

400
00:23:51,727 --> 00:23:55,037
(Stephen ) They don't.
That's the beauty of being a child.

401
00:23:55,127 --> 00:24:00,406
That's why the whole practice died out,
because they wouldn't get a round.

402
00:24:01,047 --> 00:24:03,766
Drink, drink, drink.
Not you.

403
00:24:03,847 --> 00:24:06,315
Drink, drink.
Not you either.

404
00:24:06,407 --> 00:24:09,160
Now, lastly,
where does Santa Claus come from?

405
00:24:09,247 --> 00:24:10,919
- (church bells ring)
- Yes?

406
00:24:11,007 --> 00:24:13,919
From St Nicholas.
Saint Nicholas.

407
00:24:14,007 --> 00:24:17,204
- (Stephen ) Yes. What place?
- Bohemia, Czechoslovakia. No?

408
00:24:17,287 --> 00:24:20,120
- Not quite, no. Any thoughts?
- (Alan ) Russia?

409
00:24:20,207 --> 00:24:21,799
- No.
- (bells tinkle)

410
00:24:21,887 --> 00:24:24,447
- He's an Aborigine.
- No.

411
00:24:24,527 --> 00:24:27,087
- (Alan ) Woking.
- (Stephen ) No.

412
00:24:27,167 --> 00:24:29,203
- Lapland.
- (Phill) Bavaria.

413
00:24:29,287 --> 00:24:34,042
Did you say Lapland? Oh, dear,
oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh...

414
00:24:34,127 --> 00:24:38,006
- And I saw North Pole on that other card.
- Yes, so you're not going to say that either.

415
00:24:38,087 --> 00:24:40,282
- Syria. Turkey.
- (Stephen ) Yes!

416
00:24:40,367 --> 00:24:43,484
- Bingo!
- Quite right. Turkey, yes.

417
00:24:43,567 --> 00:24:45,876
And that is the real Santa Claus,
St Nicholas.

418
00:24:45,967 --> 00:24:49,357
- (Turkish accent) Happy Christmas.
- (Stephen ) Yeah, but he was...

419
00:24:49,447 --> 00:24:51,597
Tzatziki.
Vine leaves.

420
00:24:51,687 --> 00:24:54,360
Sinterklaas,
as they call him in the Netherlands, yes.

421
00:24:54,447 --> 00:24:58,076
''Sinterklaas is aangekomt''
is their little song.

422
00:24:58,167 --> 00:25:00,556
(laughter)

423
00:25:00,647 --> 00:25:04,401
I'll give you some points if you can tell me
where precisely our modern view,

424
00:25:04,487 --> 00:25:06,318
as it is,
of Father Christmas, comes from.

425
00:25:06,407 --> 00:25:07,965
(church bells ring)

426
00:25:08,047 --> 00:25:11,801
Does it derive from
the Gemutlichkeit culture

427
00:25:11,887 --> 00:25:14,560
that Prince Albert
brought to Britain in the 1840s?

428
00:25:14,647 --> 00:25:20,085
Again, you're just chiming
with the thought that fills the room, but no.

429
00:25:20,167 --> 00:25:22,806
- No, it's...
- (laughter and applause)

430
00:25:22,887 --> 00:25:24,286
The...

431
00:25:26,527 --> 00:25:31,123
The... No, the Schleswig-Holstein
Gemutlichkeit culture is not an issue here.

432
00:25:31,207 --> 00:25:35,598
It is a very extraordinary thing.
I want to take you to the year 1822.

433
00:25:35,687 --> 00:25:39,475
Oh, when Schubert wrote
the ''Unfinished Symphony''.

434
00:25:39,807 --> 00:25:42,116
Something else happened.
A poem was written which gave us,

435
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:45,040
for the first time ever printed
or ever recorded as far as we know,

436
00:25:45,127 --> 00:25:49,757
the idea of the white beard,
the red coat, the stockings, the chimney,

437
00:25:49,847 --> 00:25:54,204
presents on Christmas Eve, the whole thing.
Americans still quote it every Christmas time.

438
00:25:54,287 --> 00:25:57,836
- '''Twas the Night Before Christmas''.
- '''Twas the Night Before Christmas''.

439
00:25:57,927 --> 00:26:00,999
By Clement Clarke Moore,
who was a professor of Hebrew.

440
00:26:01,087 --> 00:26:03,078
The poem was called
''A Visit from St Nicholas''.

441
00:26:03,167 --> 00:26:05,158
Off his face on laudanum,
just sitting there:

442
00:26:05,247 --> 00:26:08,762
(slurring) ''A big fat man
with a beard and a red coat.''

443
00:26:08,847 --> 00:26:10,360
(cackles )

444
00:26:10,447 --> 00:26:13,245
''This is fantastic.''

445
00:26:13,327 --> 00:26:17,366
- ''And he's got a sack full of Gripples.''
- (laughter)

446
00:26:17,887 --> 00:26:21,277
''No, no, no, no.
Presents, presents.''

447
00:26:21,367 --> 00:26:24,598
It's almost beddy-byes,
but not before our last treat,

448
00:26:24,687 --> 00:26:27,440
the QI Christmas colouring competition
which I announced earlier.

449
00:26:27,527 --> 00:26:31,202
Gentlemen, can I have your trees please?
Now, look. Johnny's is brilliant.

450
00:26:31,287 --> 00:26:35,280
- That is minimalist from you there, Phill.
- It's actually a very long way away.

451
00:26:35,367 --> 00:26:38,245
- (Stephen ) Ah. Of course.
- (laughter)

452
00:26:38,327 --> 00:26:40,443
(applause)

453
00:26:42,487 --> 00:26:46,002
We are very impressed.
I'm particularly impressed, I have to say,

454
00:26:46,087 --> 00:26:48,282
particularly impressed with Sean.

455
00:26:48,367 --> 00:26:53,919
Alan, surprisingly, has fallen into the trap
into which we all fall, which is a very odd one,

456
00:26:54,007 --> 00:26:56,601
which is supposing
that the branches go down.

457
00:26:56,687 --> 00:27:00,441
We're going to ask Jamie to come on
with a Christmas tree. There, look at that.

458
00:27:00,527 --> 00:27:02,882
That's a beauty, isn't it?

459
00:27:02,967 --> 00:27:05,879
- Thank you, Jamie. Yes.
- (applause)

460
00:27:06,327 --> 00:27:08,966
You'd think you could find a better one
in the middle of the winter.

461
00:27:09,047 --> 00:27:11,686
- The point is, the branches go up.
- Was I holding it like that?

462
00:27:11,767 --> 00:27:16,887
- (Stephen ) Were you? I think you were.
- I'm so sorry.

463
00:27:16,967 --> 00:27:20,721
So, I think, ladies and gentlemen, we have
to agree the runaway winner from Johnny.

464
00:27:20,807 --> 00:27:23,401
Look at that.
Look at that, ladies and gentlemen.

465
00:27:23,487 --> 00:27:25,478
(applause)

466
00:27:27,087 --> 00:27:31,524
Children, it's time for the last sad little parcel
of Uncle Stephen's final scores.

467
00:27:31,607 --> 00:27:34,405
- I'm afraid in last place, Alan...
- Hm?

468
00:27:34,487 --> 00:27:37,445
It's Alan. Minus six.

469
00:27:37,527 --> 00:27:40,405
- I'm so sorry.
- (applause and cheering)

470
00:27:42,447 --> 00:27:45,120
And next...

471
00:27:45,207 --> 00:27:48,517
in third place,
Phill Jupitus with five.

472
00:27:48,607 --> 00:27:51,041
(applause)

473
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:53,880
And in second place with seven,

474
00:27:53,967 --> 00:27:57,403
- it's Sean Lock, ladies and gentlemen.
- (applause)

475
00:27:57,487 --> 00:27:59,478
But...

476
00:28:00,887 --> 00:28:04,482
four times better than that,
our impressive runaway winner with 28 points,

477
00:28:04,567 --> 00:28:06,637
- John Sessions.
- (applause)

478
00:28:12,367 --> 00:28:14,835
I'll leave you
with this charming seasonal inquiry

479
00:28:14,927 --> 00:28:17,725
made last Christmas
by an elderly American couple

480
00:28:17,807 --> 00:28:21,004
in the tourist office
at Stratford-upon-Avon. True.

481
00:28:21,087 --> 00:28:24,557
''The map is great,
but do you think you could show us

482
00:28:24,647 --> 00:28:28,765
the quickest route
to Shakespeare's manger?''

483
00:28:28,847 --> 00:28:31,998
- Merry Christmas, everyone.
- (applause)