1 00:00:06,220 --> 00:00:08,140 THEME MUSIC 2 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:30,220 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:33,940 Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello 4 00:00:34,180 --> 00:00:36,660 and a very good evening to you and welcome to QI. 5 00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:39,500 This is the show where everything is as bright as a new pin, 6 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:42,300 and we avoid cliches like the plague. 7 00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:43,820 You won't hear me saying 8 00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:45,620 that our four players are "champing at the bit" 9 00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:48,140 and "raring to go." Not in a month of Sundays. 10 00:00:48,380 --> 00:00:52,260 So, without further ado, let's meet and greet Bill Bailey... 11 00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:55,500 APPLAUSE ..Sean Lock... 12 00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:58,740 ..Jo Brand, and Alan Davies. APPLAUSE 13 00:01:01,780 --> 00:01:03,660 Now, tonight, although this is Series B, 14 00:01:03,940 --> 00:01:07,900 we're talking about colour, so all of our buzzers are blue. 15 00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:13,740 Bill goes... HARMONICA FLOURISH 16 00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:18,220 ..Sean goes... SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR 17 00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:22,860 ..Jo goes... WOMAN SINGS "OOH" 18 00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:26,380 ..and Alan goes... WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE 19 00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:30,180 Oh. 20 00:01:30,420 --> 00:01:33,060 - That's a genuine recording. - LAUGHTER 21 00:01:33,220 --> 00:01:34,740 You said that without moving your legs. 22 00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:39,300 Um, right. Now, sweeties - you all have sweeties, 23 00:01:39,540 --> 00:01:41,940 and to help you get into a primary mood, 24 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,420 a range of bright colours. 25 00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:45,780 And here's a nice Mediterranean one to get your started with. 26 00:01:46,060 --> 00:01:50,940 What colour was the sky in ancient Greece? 27 00:01:51,100 --> 00:01:53,340 WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" 28 00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:55,020 Jo. 29 00:01:55,260 --> 00:01:57,220 - Blue, if that picture's anything to-- SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING 30 00:01:57,460 --> 00:02:01,740 Oh, no. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't, I'm afraid, blue. 31 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:04,380 I should've...(CHUCKLES)... 32 00:02:04,620 --> 00:02:06,780 ..I should've told you that it was ancient Greece - and I did. 33 00:02:07,020 --> 00:02:08,340 - Yeah, you did. - Yeah.- Yeah. 34 00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:11,340 They didn't take photographs in ancient Greece, 35 00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:12,780 so that might have been a hint 36 00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:15,700 that the photograph was of modern Greece. 37 00:02:15,940 --> 00:02:18,900 - Well, I know, but, you know. - Yes. No, you fell into our beautifully- 38 00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,300 - That could be a very good carving. - It could be, I suppose. 39 00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:23,700 Wouldn't it, perhaps, have been darker blue, 40 00:02:23,940 --> 00:02:25,660 cos it's sort of faded a little bit over time? 41 00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:29,220 Well, it might have done. LAUGHTER 42 00:02:29,460 --> 00:02:31,380 What we call blue, they call something else. 43 00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:33,900 Well, no - the ancient Greeks didn't call anything blue. 44 00:02:34,180 --> 00:02:36,100 - They didn't look up ever? - No, they didn't call anything blue. 45 00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:37,900 - They didn't have colours? - BILL: No word for blue. 46 00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:40,140 They had colours, but they didn't have a word for blue. 47 00:02:40,420 --> 00:02:41,620 - That's quite right. - No word for blue? 48 00:02:41,860 --> 00:02:43,100 - What do they say - "the sky?" - Bronze. 49 00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,380 - Bronze? - Yes, they called it the bronze- 50 00:02:45,580 --> 00:02:47,620 Homer called it bronze-coloured. 51 00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:49,900 I've got no time for these Greeks. 52 00:02:50,140 --> 00:02:51,460 And yet without them, you wouldn't be here. 53 00:02:51,700 --> 00:02:54,180 Oh, that's so rubbish! You say this every week. 54 00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:55,660 Because it's true! 55 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:57,580 What do you mean we wouldn't be here? 56 00:02:57,860 --> 00:02:59,140 Because without logic, mathematics, harmony, 57 00:02:59,340 --> 00:03:01,460 democracy, justice, logic- 58 00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:03,660 That's got nothing to do with the people shagging for decades, 59 00:03:03,860 --> 00:03:05,460 ending up with me. 60 00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,780 The television - without television, you are nothing. 61 00:03:07,940 --> 00:03:10,860 I know that better than anybody. 62 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,900 There wouldn't be a word for television...a Greek word. 63 00:03:14,140 --> 00:03:15,740 Well, no - funnily enough, 64 00:03:16,060 --> 00:03:17,740 "television" is a word that offends a lot of classicists, 65 00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,260 because it's both Latin and Greek. 66 00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:20,700 - It's a hybrid word. - Aww. 67 00:03:20,980 --> 00:03:22,540 - They're so touchy, aren't they? - They are, you see. 68 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:24,740 They call it a chimeric word 69 00:03:25,020 --> 00:03:27,700 because the "tele" is Greek, and the "vision" is Latin. 70 00:03:27,940 --> 00:03:30,100 But if there was no Greek- like, the Saxon word for television 71 00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,820 would be something like... "boxy light." 72 00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:34,180 We know what they are, because the German - it would be "Fernsehen." 73 00:03:34,420 --> 00:03:36,660 Oh, yeah. 74 00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:40,220 Wake up, Sean! 75 00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:43,020 They've got blue in their flag. What do they call that, bronze and white? 76 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:44,860 - That's the modern Greeks. - Oh, the modern Greeks. 77 00:03:45,020 --> 00:03:46,540 Ooh, we don't like them. 78 00:03:46,780 --> 00:03:49,100 Not that blue didn't exist - they didn't have a word for it. 79 00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:51,620 I would be here without the ancient Greeks. 80 00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:54,820 I wonder how many Welsh words there are for colours, Alan Davies, 81 00:03:54,980 --> 00:03:56,260 when we start on this, I wonder. 82 00:03:56,460 --> 00:03:57,740 Unfortunately, 83 00:03:57,980 --> 00:04:00,220 because of you English people destroying our natural culture 84 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,300 and heritage, I don't know our own language. 85 00:04:03,580 --> 00:04:06,860 - Oh, yes. I must apologise for that. - Cruel imperial invader! 86 00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:11,180 My great-grandfather was forced to flee Cardiff 87 00:04:11,540 --> 00:04:13,340 and set up a restaurant in the East End. 88 00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:15,340 LAUGHTER 89 00:04:17,020 --> 00:04:19,100 Do you want to know something very interesting, Alan? 90 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:20,900 There is no Welsh word for blue. 91 00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:23,180 - Well...I'm sure there is! - There isn't. There is no word- 92 00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:25,180 BILL: There is - but you can't say it. 93 00:04:27,260 --> 00:04:28,700 So when did they hand over? 94 00:04:28,940 --> 00:04:30,860 When did ancient Greece hand over to modern Greece? 95 00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:33,020 Did someone say, "There you go. Go on." 96 00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:35,660 "first thing we gotta do - the sky is blue, alright?" 97 00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:38,620 - "Blue, there you go." - "For a starter." 98 00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,220 It's a very interesting question. 99 00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:41,740 They used to believe - some Darwinians believed - 100 00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:44,620 that the Greeks genuinely- that's to say, Greeks as ancient as Homer, 101 00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:48,460 who was a very, very long time before even Sophocles and Socrates, 102 00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:51,100 the ancient Greeks that you and I talk about every day. 103 00:04:53,540 --> 00:04:55,180 They actually believed 104 00:04:55,460 --> 00:04:57,140 that they hadn't developed a colour sense in the eye, 105 00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:00,860 but it's now essentially perceived that they didn't really find any use 106 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,300 for calling things by different colours, 107 00:05:02,580 --> 00:05:04,580 so much as they did its function. WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" 108 00:05:04,820 --> 00:05:06,620 Yes, darling? Am I boring you? 109 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,380 Losing the will to live a bit. 110 00:05:08,660 --> 00:05:10,100 LAUGHTER I'm so sorry. 111 00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:11,900 I'm so sorry. APPLAUSE 112 00:05:14,140 --> 00:05:16,460 Couldn't you have just hit your buzzer there, Al? 113 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:19,100 - Hey? - It's just that...- - WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE 114 00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:21,940 ..that's just an excerpt from a bronze movie, I think. 115 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:24,340 LAUGHTER Very good. 116 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,260 Very, very good. Nice one. 117 00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:33,740 Now, in a similar spirit, 118 00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:37,300 Homer regarded wine, the sea and sheep as all being the same colour, 119 00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:38,780 which is red. 120 00:05:39,020 --> 00:05:41,380 To us, colours are so obvious that this seems peculiar, 121 00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:44,500 but colour is just one way of describing tones. 122 00:05:44,660 --> 00:05:45,980 Now, look at this picture. 123 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:48,220 What does a rainbow look like from the other side? 124 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:50,020 - You can't see it. - SEAN: Slightly different.- - BILL: Yeah. 125 00:05:50,180 --> 00:05:52,300 Just slightly different. 126 00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:55,100 Not...it's not...it's nice. 127 00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:58,660 - But it's not quite as...(GESTURES). - But it's not quite the same. 128 00:05:58,860 --> 00:06:00,140 it's a bit, uh. 129 00:06:00,420 --> 00:06:02,620 You'd rather be on the proper side, but it's alright. 130 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:04,100 (LAUGHS) It's an opposite. 131 00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:06,980 I wouldn't bother going round to look at it. 132 00:06:07,220 --> 00:06:08,620 I'd just go, "No, it's better this side." 133 00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:10,060 It is a long journey. 134 00:06:10,340 --> 00:06:11,620 It's hard, really, to concentrate on it, 135 00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:14,180 cos there are people going, "Come round, look at it from this side." 136 00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:16,700 But your first answer was correct, for which you'll get some points. 137 00:06:16,940 --> 00:06:20,180 - You can only see it from... - BILL: From the side that you're on. 138 00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:21,700 - LAUGHTER - ..yeah. 139 00:06:21,980 --> 00:06:23,260 Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to see it. 140 00:06:23,540 --> 00:06:25,460 No, there is a very particular way you can actually see- 141 00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:27,860 It's to do with where the rain is and where you are. 142 00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,260 - And where the sun is. - Where the sun is, and the rain, 143 00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:32,500 - and where you are. - There has to be sun.- And rain. 144 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,300 - And the sun has to be behind you. - Yeah. 145 00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:35,900 Because the light coming from behind your head, 146 00:06:36,140 --> 00:06:38,660 they're going through a raindrop, 147 00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:40,460 they're bouncing off the back of a raindrop, 148 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,260 and coming back to your eye. 149 00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:44,660 And it can only happen at an angle of 42 degrees, 150 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:47,260 which is why it's in a- WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" 151 00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:49,540 Can you tell me at what point in time 152 00:06:49,820 --> 00:06:52,940 human beings were actually able to sing a rainbow? 153 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,460 Ah. Is there a song about singing a rainbow? 154 00:06:55,780 --> 00:06:58,420 ALAN AND JO: # I can sing a rainbow Sing a rain... # 155 00:06:58,660 --> 00:07:00,980 - Yes. - There's loads of different ones, wasn't there? 156 00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:02,740 # Grey and grey and grey and grey 157 00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:05,660 # Grey and grey and grey I can sing a wood louse. # 158 00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:08,300 - You know, it's like that. - LAUGHTER 159 00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:10,340 I see. That's what it is. Oh, very good. 160 00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:13,820 In Estonia, they believe that if you point at a rainbow, 161 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,340 your finger will fall off. 162 00:07:15,580 --> 00:07:17,860 - Oh, for God's sake. - I know. 163 00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:22,180 - Estonians aren't stupid people, are they? - They aren't. 164 00:07:22,460 --> 00:07:25,100 - They're very stumpy, though. - BILL: Yeah. 165 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,020 Indigo, incidentally - what do you know about indigo? 166 00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,220 - Blue, isn't it? - Purple, purple. 167 00:07:31,460 --> 00:07:32,860 It's a funny colour. Do you remember- 168 00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:36,100 - It's the colour of, um... - Silence?- No. 169 00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:39,700 Could you sing that song instead? 170 00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:41,740 - No, I can't, actually- - It's the colour of audacity. 171 00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:43,940 See, I'm doing it now, talking like that. 172 00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:47,300 - It's the colour of audacity. - Oh, stop it. 173 00:07:47,580 --> 00:07:49,780 It's a sort of dark-y, dark-y blue, isn't it? 174 00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:51,860 No, isn't it a fertility thing? 175 00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:55,300 Well, it's an Indian plant that was used for dyeing. 176 00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:58,780 In what sense would it be a fertility thing? 177 00:07:59,060 --> 00:08:01,900 It's a colour. Doesn't it come up on women's legs, in circles. 178 00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:03,340 when they're ready? 179 00:08:05,540 --> 00:08:07,660 - That may be impetigo. - Like bands. 180 00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:12,500 - Are we thinking of impetigo? - Oh. 181 00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:14,420 It comes up on women's legs? 182 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,060 BILL: Garters. Garters are what you're thinking of. 183 00:08:16,340 --> 00:08:18,380 - ALAN: "When they're ready!" - Is it impetigo? 184 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:21,020 Well, indigo - it's a dark blue dye 185 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:23,260 used for such things as jeans and police uniforms. 186 00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:28,060 Which brings me...why, oh, why, take the piss out of Newcastle? 187 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,700 Haven't got any toilets. 188 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,740 They've got no toilets and they hold it in. 189 00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:38,660 They're so hard, they can hold it in till they go on holiday. 190 00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:43,100 And that's why they talk out the side of their mouth, like that. 191 00:08:43,340 --> 00:08:47,660 "I'm comin' to visit, Aunty. Can't wait." 192 00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:49,140 - Interesting theory. - Is that wrong? 193 00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:52,580 Is it that the urine is exceptionally pure 194 00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:55,460 because of the filtering process of brown ale? 195 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,020 - Used to be very pure. - Right. 196 00:08:57,260 --> 00:08:58,700 But now, no longer, probably, is. 197 00:08:58,940 --> 00:09:01,900 Newcastle was a major exporter of piss. 198 00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:04,940 - Ah! - In the 18th century. 199 00:09:05,180 --> 00:09:07,500 - What does urine contain? - Ammonia.- - BILL: Uric acid. 200 00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:10,180 - Ammonia, good. - And some sort of infection thing. 201 00:09:10,460 --> 00:09:13,060 And if a jellyfish stings you, you gotta pee on your leg. 202 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:16,180 No. I'll give a further hint, 203 00:09:16,460 --> 00:09:18,860 - which was that I introduced the question by saying... - Anaesthetic. 204 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,460 - ..indigo was used... - A dye. 205 00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,180 ..for such things as policemen's uniforms - yes. 206 00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:27,580 - A dyeing agent. - Ammonia was used in the dyeing industry. 207 00:09:27,780 --> 00:09:29,060 - Tie-dye. - And in North Yorkshire, 208 00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:31,580 they had these great quarries, where they mixed the ammonia, 209 00:09:31,860 --> 00:09:36,820 and stones, and things, with woad, and came out with these dyes. 210 00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:40,780 Newcastle's third biggest export, after coal and beer, was wee-wee. 211 00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:45,260 Do you think you could- has anyone ever weed into their own mouth? 212 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,700 Yeah. Oh, it's easy. 213 00:09:46,980 --> 00:09:48,340 You can be certain people have done it. 214 00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:49,900 I've seen babies do that. It's very funny. 215 00:09:50,180 --> 00:09:51,580 They're, sort of, lying, wriggling, having been changed... 216 00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:54,340 - We used to go high up the wall. - ..and they pee into their mouth. 217 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:55,940 We used to have a toilet at school, 218 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:59,540 and it was, like, urinal up to about there, then wall, and then a window. 219 00:09:59,780 --> 00:10:01,940 - Yes. - Which was quite high.- Mmm-hmm. 220 00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:04,420 And my friend Danny - "The Squirt"... 221 00:10:04,580 --> 00:10:07,780 LAUGHTER 222 00:10:08,020 --> 00:10:09,820 ..bending, right, quite far back, like that, 223 00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:12,740 - could wee out of the window. - Wow. 224 00:10:12,940 --> 00:10:14,460 Well, the fact of the matter 225 00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,660 was in Newcastle, people had to pee into buckets, 226 00:10:16,820 --> 00:10:18,980 which were collected wee-kly - ah. 227 00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:22,060 No, the reason that policemen's uniforms 228 00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:24,380 used to be such a rich and impressive hue 229 00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:27,260 was that they had been widdled on by Geordies, ultimately. 230 00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,500 Now, have you all enjoyed your sweeties? 231 00:10:29,780 --> 00:10:30,980 - Yeah. - Yes. 232 00:10:31,180 --> 00:10:32,500 Good. Which colour did you like best? 233 00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:34,060 - Bed, I think. - Red? now, that's interesting. 234 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,660 Most children, when asked which colour they like most, 235 00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:38,140 will say red. 236 00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:41,340 When a food manufacturer wants to colour food red, 237 00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:45,780 he uses one of these, in fact. It's a food addictive. 238 00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,860 This is E120 colourant. 239 00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:50,980 My question is what is E120 made from? 240 00:10:51,140 --> 00:10:52,780 WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" 241 00:10:52,940 --> 00:10:55,220 A beetle of some sort. 242 00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:57,420 No, no. I'm afraid not. ALARM BELLS RING, SIRENS SOUND 243 00:10:57,620 --> 00:11:00,260 No. We rather predicted you would say that. 244 00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:02,460 It's rather unfair of us, because you're almost right. 245 00:11:02,780 --> 00:11:05,660 - It's a bug, not a beetle. - Oh, right. Well... 246 00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:07,660 What's the difference between a big and a beetle, then? 247 00:11:07,940 --> 00:11:10,060 - Oh, don't ask him that. - You should remember, of all people, 248 00:11:10,340 --> 00:11:12,260 - because we covered it... - Bugs suck things. 249 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,260 ..we covered it last year. Well done, you did remember. 250 00:11:14,460 --> 00:11:15,740 Five points for remembering. 251 00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:17,660 - What do beetles do? - They don't suck. They can't. 252 00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:19,580 Well, they're an order of insects. 253 00:11:19,820 --> 00:11:22,540 They drink their straw, and they look at you, like, "Yeah." 254 00:11:22,740 --> 00:11:25,420 - "Oh, yeah." - "Not a bug, alright?" 255 00:11:25,660 --> 00:11:29,620 The point is, Jo, "bug" is not just American slang for any insect. 256 00:11:29,780 --> 00:11:31,300 It's a specific, scientific word. 257 00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:34,660 - It has piercing mouth parts, in case you- - Mandibles?- - Oh, how lovely. 258 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,140 Yes, yes, mandibles. 259 00:11:36,420 --> 00:11:38,180 Right. You answered to that like it was your nickname. 260 00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:41,060 - He did, yes. - "Mandibles" - he went, "Yes?" 261 00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:44,380 - LAUGHTER - "How can I help you?" 262 00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:45,980 - But, um- - It was his nickname at school. 263 00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,420 "Mandibles" Fry. 264 00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:50,300 But the point about this stuff, which is also called... 265 00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:51,860 - Cochineal. - Cochineal, yes. 266 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,860 - You get some points back for that, of course. - Phew. 267 00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:55,580 ..is that it is made from crushed insects. 268 00:11:55,820 --> 00:12:00,140 They're called Dactylopius coccus, and they're a kind of bug, as I say. 269 00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:04,380 And it takes about 70,000 of them to make one pound of cochineal. 270 00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:06,220 We've moved away from cochineal 271 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:07,900 because those people who don't like eating animals 272 00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:10,700 felt they were being conned by things that were supposedly vegetarian, 273 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:12,140 like a tube of Smarties, 274 00:12:12,380 --> 00:12:14,140 when it turned out they had dead animals in them. 275 00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,140 And, of course, they're not kosher. 276 00:12:16,380 --> 00:12:18,820 E122, which we now use, except in Smarties. 277 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,740 In Smarties, you're still eating the crushed- 278 00:12:21,020 --> 00:12:23,340 - I'm eating crushed bugs? - Crushed bugs, yeah, with the red ones. 279 00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:26,900 But E122 is very bad if you have an allergy to aspirin, for example. 280 00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:28,780 I think it makes some people go very blotchy, 281 00:12:28,940 --> 00:12:30,260 and it makes some people hyperactive! 282 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,900 - And so, it's an interesting issue. - Can I stop you there? 283 00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:35,420 - Yep. - Changed my mind. 284 00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:38,340 - Think I prefer the green. - Oh, there you are. 285 00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:40,220 Never mind. Tough. 286 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,380 Where did the whole notion of crushing beetles 287 00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:45,820 to get their colouring from, I mean, arise? 288 00:12:46,060 --> 00:12:48,820 When did people think, "These foods are just not the right colour. 289 00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:52,220 I need a bit more pizzazz in my lunch." 290 00:12:52,460 --> 00:12:54,020 Well, I think you only need imagine, don't you? 291 00:12:54,260 --> 00:12:56,420 You know, you're pounding maize in Mexico - 292 00:12:56,660 --> 00:12:59,900 which is where this thing started - and a few of these beetles that live- 293 00:13:00,220 --> 00:13:02,540 - they're all over the place in Mexico. - Right. Accidentally fall in. 294 00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:04,780 While you're pounding it, it goes a rather beautiful pink colour. 295 00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:07,420 - And your husband says, "I like this new maize cake." - "Wait a minute." 296 00:13:07,580 --> 00:13:09,100 "This pink polenta." 297 00:13:09,340 --> 00:13:10,540 They didn't start, like, crushing animals 298 00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:12,140 and slowly worked their way down to beetles? 299 00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:14,260 They're, like, crushing a squirrel. 300 00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:17,300 "No, that's no good, that colour. Next animal." 301 00:13:17,580 --> 00:13:19,660 - That's how I made- oh, look! - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR 302 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,740 - You've set your buzzer off. - That's what I'd imagine. 303 00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:25,220 Also, they didn't say, "I love this pink polenta." 304 00:13:25,460 --> 00:13:29,020 They said, "The pink polenta, I love it!" 305 00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:32,580 - So you think- - "I want-a some pink po-len-ta!" 306 00:13:32,780 --> 00:13:34,100 So you think this happened 307 00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:35,740 after the Spanish colonisation of Mexico, do you? 308 00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:37,900 LAUGHTER 309 00:13:39,740 --> 00:13:42,220 Oh! Alan! (GROANS THEATRICALLY) 310 00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:44,620 He got you. That was a good one. 311 00:13:45,620 --> 00:13:47,060 Hats off. 312 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:49,820 Are you telling me the Incas talked like Oxbridge graduates? 313 00:13:50,060 --> 00:13:52,580 Well, however they talked, it's really- 314 00:13:52,820 --> 00:13:54,460 "I'm just going out to finish off Macchu Picchu. 315 00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:57,580 Help me with these stones." 316 00:13:57,860 --> 00:13:59,980 It was really the Aztecs we were concerned with. 317 00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:02,140 But, in either case, never mind. 318 00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:05,260 Have you ever felt like your weapon's not big enough, Jo? 319 00:14:05,420 --> 00:14:07,340 - No. Nonsense, nonsense. - No. 320 00:14:07,460 --> 00:14:11,060 No. Let's move from bugs to beetles. 321 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:13,580 "Lovely, pink po-len-ta!" 322 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:15,860 Sure. LAUGHTER 323 00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:18,460 Beetle fanciers, as you probably know, are called... 324 00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:20,300 HARMONICA FLOURISH 325 00:14:20,540 --> 00:14:22,540 - Coleopterist. - Very good! Coleopterist. 326 00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:24,740 - We'll give you five points for that. - Thank you very much. 327 00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:26,740 - Press him on how the hell he knows that. - Yeah. 328 00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:30,140 Well, because when I was a child, I would- 329 00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:32,540 In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing. 330 00:14:32,740 --> 00:14:34,100 LAUGHTER 331 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:37,060 So if you can explain how you know something, 332 00:14:37,340 --> 00:14:39,980 it'd almost be like Alan would love to know the mystery of this. 333 00:14:40,220 --> 00:14:43,100 - BILL: Welcome to my world of knowing! - Well-put. 334 00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:47,180 The wonderful world of looking up things in books. 335 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:48,860 You looked it up in a book? 336 00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:51,500 No, no. Cos, when I was a kid, I collected butterflies. 337 00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:53,540 - What were you called, then? - What was that?- - A l... 338 00:14:53,780 --> 00:14:54,980 - A lepidopterist. - Lepidopterist. 339 00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:56,500 I was a lepidopterist - 340 00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,300 not a leopard collector, as you may have thought. 341 00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,900 JO: Don't you sort of run out, and kind of kill them yourself? 342 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,420 No - you catch 'em in a net, 343 00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:04,420 and then you put 'em in a bottle with chloroform, 344 00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,220 and they gradually... I know it's not- it's cruel. 345 00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:09,460 JO: That's not very nice. Were you a lepidopterist, as well? 346 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,740 - I did a bit of bug-hunting, yes... - Did you? 347 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,260 ..as the Americans say. 348 00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:17,140 SEAN: I can see you running along with a big net, like that. 349 00:15:17,340 --> 00:15:20,300 - Dressed as an ancient Greek... - "Tarquin! Tarquin, I've got one!" 350 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,820 ..with a flowing toga and a big net. 351 00:15:23,060 --> 00:15:26,740 Oh! But you're quite right. A coleopterist. They call- 352 00:15:26,900 --> 00:15:28,900 "I am an Aztec!" 353 00:15:29,140 --> 00:15:32,580 - I was a philatelist. - Were you? 354 00:15:32,820 --> 00:15:34,340 - Yep. - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR 355 00:15:34,620 --> 00:15:37,380 Is there a special word for someone who did Metalwork? 356 00:15:37,580 --> 00:15:39,060 LAUGHTER 357 00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:40,740 - Yes - a smith. - A blacksmith. 358 00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:43,660 I did a bit of that when I was a young man, yeah. 359 00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:45,980 - Or a metallurgist. - Yeah - "loser," we call them. 360 00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:51,580 No, coleopterists, who love beetles, 361 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,020 coleopterists are extremely busy people, 362 00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:54,620 far too busy 363 00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:56,180 to sit and watch television panellists dithering about, 364 00:15:56,460 --> 00:15:59,420 so we have to push on a bit if we want to keep them on board, 365 00:15:59,620 --> 00:16:00,900 because they're very, very busy. 366 00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:03,300 How long is it since anyone discovered a new type of beetle? 367 00:16:03,620 --> 00:16:05,460 - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR - Eight seconds. 368 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:08,180 Eight seconds is quite recent, but it's not far off- 369 00:16:08,420 --> 00:16:10,540 WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yeah? 370 00:16:10,780 --> 00:16:14,660 - Oh...700 years. - No.- - No. 371 00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:16,540 Look, no-one is forcing you to play this game. 372 00:16:16,820 --> 00:16:18,540 If you want to go and sit in the corner... 373 00:16:18,740 --> 00:16:20,500 HARMONICA FLOURISH 374 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,220 You killer. You're a killer, you are. 375 00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:25,820 BILL: I release them into the wild after they're killed. 376 00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:27,300 Yes. 377 00:16:27,540 --> 00:16:28,940 Actually, that is the supreme irony - 378 00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:31,460 that moths got into the collection, and ate them all. 379 00:16:31,620 --> 00:16:33,740 LAUGHTER 380 00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:36,620 The answer- well, it could be five- it's about an hour. 381 00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:42,460 Since 1700, they reckon that a new species was discovered, on average, 382 00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,980 at the rate of about one new specifies every six hours, 383 00:16:45,140 --> 00:16:46,940 but it's accelerated. 384 00:16:47,220 --> 00:16:49,340 There may be as many as 10 million different species of beetle, 385 00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:54,220 and only 2,000 coleopterists in the world, supposedly. 386 00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:56,500 So many beetles, just not enough time. 387 00:16:56,660 --> 00:16:58,820 SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR 388 00:16:58,980 --> 00:17:00,260 Very good. 389 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:01,780 The amazing thing about beetles - 390 00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:04,340 two-thirds of all insects are beetles, 391 00:17:04,580 --> 00:17:05,980 but even more, 392 00:17:06,220 --> 00:17:10,300 if you put all examples of plants and animal species in a row, 393 00:17:10,580 --> 00:17:12,980 - every fifth one would be a beetle. - BILL: (WHISTLES) 394 00:17:13,260 --> 00:17:15,340 Every tenth one would be a weevil, as it happens. 395 00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:16,780 So we come to the next question. 396 00:17:17,060 --> 00:17:18,940 Which is the odd one out of these three - 397 00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:22,460 a Ptiliidae beetle, a camel or the Sultan of Brunei? 398 00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,220 WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yes. 399 00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:29,740 - Is it a Ptiliidae beetle? - It is. Correct. 400 00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:32,500 You get the points. Can you elaborate? 401 00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:34,900 Um...well, I don't want to show off. 402 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,540 LAUGHTER 403 00:17:37,780 --> 00:17:39,580 - The camel stores water in its hump- - No. 404 00:17:39,860 --> 00:17:41,540 - Well, I know the Sultan of Brunei- - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR 405 00:17:41,780 --> 00:17:43,180 - Sultan of Brunei. - What do we know about... 406 00:17:43,340 --> 00:17:44,620 You don't know the Sultan of... 407 00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:47,260 He can afford to pay pop stars to dance around in their knickers. 408 00:17:47,460 --> 00:17:48,740 - Indeed he can. - He's that rich. 409 00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:50,540 - He's that...rich. - BILL: He's that rich. 410 00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:53,380 Now, what do rich people have in common with camels? 411 00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:56,380 The ability to sustain water in their humps. 412 00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,060 Inability... WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" 413 00:17:58,340 --> 00:18:01,500 - Yes. - They're (BLEEP)ing miserable all the time. 414 00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:02,980 What can they not do? 415 00:18:03,260 --> 00:18:04,980 - Pass through the eye of a needle! - Go to heaven! 416 00:18:05,220 --> 00:18:06,580 - Pass through the eye of a needle. - Oh. 417 00:18:06,860 --> 00:18:09,140 It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle 418 00:18:09,460 --> 00:18:11,780 than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. 419 00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:13,220 - Same thing. - Yes, it is. 420 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:14,900 The point is this beetle is so small 421 00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:17,300 it can go through the eye of a needle, unlike a camel, 422 00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:18,740 - or a rich person. - Oh.- - Ah. 423 00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:20,540 And they come in very, very varying sizes, beetles. 424 00:18:20,780 --> 00:18:23,900 The biggest one, Titanus giganteus, is huge. 425 00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:25,700 We have a sample of the second biggest one. 426 00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:27,860 - This is the Hercules beetle. - (SCREAMS)- - Oh! 427 00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:31,220 This is from the Natural History Museum in London. 428 00:18:31,460 --> 00:18:33,380 How many examples of beetle do you think they have there? 429 00:18:33,620 --> 00:18:34,940 How many different...? 430 00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:37,780 820,000. 431 00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:39,860 - No, it's a lot more - it's 12 million. - Oh. Blimey. 432 00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:41,380 They have 12 million. 433 00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:44,300 Finally, we plunge into the land that knowledge forgot - 434 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,900 Daviesland, the place we call General Ignorance. 435 00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:51,500 So fingers on buzzers, please, 436 00:18:51,740 --> 00:18:54,100 for one last chance to avoid looking like complete Charlies. 437 00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:57,380 Firstly, and returning to our colour theme, 438 00:18:57,620 --> 00:18:59,380 what rhymes with "orange?" 439 00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:01,820 WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE 440 00:19:04,340 --> 00:19:06,740 LAUGHTER 441 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,220 - No - nothing. - SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR 442 00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:10,060 - Oh! - SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING 443 00:19:10,220 --> 00:19:12,060 Oh, dear. Oh, Lordy, bless. 444 00:19:12,340 --> 00:19:15,620 - "Flange." - Flange! (LAUGHS) 445 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,140 "Or-inge." 446 00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:20,500 "Or-ange." Can you think of any words that might rhyme with it? 447 00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:23,780 - "Borringe." - Borringe would rhyme with it, yeah. 448 00:19:24,020 --> 00:19:25,940 - Yeah. - I don't think there is such a thing as borringe. 449 00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:27,820 - There's borage. - No - borringe, borringe. 450 00:19:28,020 --> 00:19:31,060 - JO: "Lozenge," - That's what you suck up...um... 451 00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:33,700 Sir, sir, Lock's making it up, sir! 452 00:19:33,860 --> 00:19:35,380 LAUGHTER 453 00:19:35,660 --> 00:19:38,180 We're terribly close, cos there's Blorenge. 454 00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:39,700 - Blorenge? - It's a place. 455 00:19:39,860 --> 00:19:41,500 Anyone know where Blorenge is? 456 00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:43,700 Well, it sounds like it's in Belgium. 457 00:19:43,940 --> 00:19:46,780 No, closer to home. "Blo-rr-enge." 458 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,820 - Wales. - Wales, it is! 459 00:19:49,020 --> 00:19:53,060 It is. It overlooks Abergavenny. It has a famous car park. 460 00:19:55,540 --> 00:19:57,380 What else has it got? 461 00:19:57,620 --> 00:20:00,580 A horse is buried there, a famous horse called Foxhunter. 462 00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:03,220 There's also "Gorringe-" SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR 463 00:20:03,380 --> 00:20:04,940 If you said "porridge" with a cold. 464 00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:06,460 - Yeah. - Yes.- - "Porrange." 465 00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:07,900 JO: I've got a cold. 466 00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:09,820 (NASAL) "I'll have some porrange, please." 467 00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:12,220 Lester Piggott - he goes, "What'll you have for breakfast, Lester?" 468 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:15,580 - "I want porrange." - BILL: "Porrange." 469 00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:17,060 I'm sure that Richard Whitely, on Countdown, 470 00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:19,700 said that nothing rhymes with orange. 471 00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,220 He may well have done, 472 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,540 - but we are here to explode... - Richard Whitely. 473 00:20:23,780 --> 00:20:25,220 - ..the myths of the Whitelys. - Explode Richard Whitely! 474 00:20:25,460 --> 00:20:29,260 I saw him interviewing two Bluebell dancers once. 475 00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,900 - Really? - I thought he was gonna have a coronary. 476 00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:35,140 - LAUGHTER - "Could I have two from the top?" 477 00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:40,100 Very good. 478 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,700 Here we are - "Gorringe." It's a surname. 479 00:20:42,900 --> 00:20:44,420 It's probably the same root as "Goering." 480 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:47,300 My prep school tailors were called Gorringe, funnily enough. 481 00:20:47,540 --> 00:20:48,940 - Really? - Where we'd get our uniforms made, yeah. 482 00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:50,420 BILL: God. 483 00:20:50,580 --> 00:20:51,940 You had a tailor? 484 00:20:52,220 --> 00:20:56,060 You had a tailor, for, like the suit you wear when you're five?! 485 00:20:56,300 --> 00:21:00,460 - It was... (LAUGHS) - Were you born in need in the 1850s? 486 00:21:00,740 --> 00:21:02,500 No! No. You had... LAUGHTER 487 00:21:02,780 --> 00:21:05,620 "I shall measure up young sir for his shorts and cap." 488 00:21:05,860 --> 00:21:08,660 It was a particular outfitter, who was the school outfitter... 489 00:21:08,860 --> 00:21:10,180 Oh, right. You should say that. 490 00:21:10,340 --> 00:21:11,620 ..which was a tailoring shop 491 00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:13,100 that'd outfit school outfits, called Gorringe's. 492 00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:15,260 "Which side does young sir dress on? Well." 493 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:17,620 - Hardly worth bothering! - There's nothing really to worry about. 494 00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:20,860 "You should know that - it's written on the toilet walls." 495 00:21:21,060 --> 00:21:24,620 These...oh, heavens. Why did I even mention that? That's- 496 00:21:24,860 --> 00:21:27,700 "Do you want to get measured up for shorts?" 497 00:21:27,860 --> 00:21:30,020 Oh, Lord! 498 00:21:30,260 --> 00:21:33,020 "Would sir like to wear a cravat on the cross-country run?" 499 00:21:33,220 --> 00:21:34,900 LAUGHTER 500 00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:37,540 APPLAUSE 501 00:21:40,940 --> 00:21:42,940 Oh, you are all such beasts! 502 00:21:44,820 --> 00:21:46,940 Well, anyway, Gorringe is a splendid English surname- 503 00:21:47,220 --> 00:21:49,700 "I suggest a cummerbund for Geography." 504 00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:51,940 LAUGHTER 505 00:21:57,860 --> 00:22:03,620 "I said...(LAUGHS)... I do rather like this pink polenta!" 506 00:22:03,860 --> 00:22:05,500 LAUGHTER 507 00:22:05,660 --> 00:22:08,180 Utter rotters. 508 00:22:08,420 --> 00:22:09,940 Gorringe is the splendid English surname 509 00:22:10,180 --> 00:22:12,860 of, amongst others, Henry Honeychurch Gorringe, 510 00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:16,300 who brought Cleopatra's Needle to New York's Central Park, 511 00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:17,900 in case you didn't know. 512 00:22:18,180 --> 00:22:20,620 Anyway, what colour - fingers on buzzers - 513 00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:23,380 what colour is the planet Mars? WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" 514 00:22:23,580 --> 00:22:24,940 - Yes, Jo. - It's red. 515 00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:26,740 Oh, no! SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING 516 00:22:26,900 --> 00:22:28,540 I knew that was gonna happen. 517 00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:31,100 No - it may be called the red planet, but it isn't red. 518 00:22:31,380 --> 00:22:32,620 - I'm afraid it's actually brown. - Rusty brown. 519 00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:34,060 It's brown-y brown, really. 520 00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:36,380 No, it only appears red sometimes 521 00:22:36,620 --> 00:22:38,860 because of the dust in the atmosphere. 522 00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:42,580 in fact, its landscape is a very boring, brown colour. According- 523 00:22:42,860 --> 00:22:44,660 Why are we going there?! What's the (BLEEP)ing point? 524 00:22:44,900 --> 00:22:48,380 You are just unbelievable. 525 00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:51,980 You do- ah. I see, I see. 526 00:22:52,340 --> 00:22:54,020 Yes, I see. APPLAUSE 527 00:22:54,260 --> 00:22:57,860 Right. I refuse to rise to the bait. 528 00:22:58,100 --> 00:23:01,220 Alright. According to New Scientist, actually, 529 00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:05,180 the most recent pictures of Mars issued by NASA were tweaked 530 00:23:05,460 --> 00:23:07,220 - by, sort, of, polo- - Photoshop? 531 00:23:07,460 --> 00:23:09,740 You know, using filters, and Photoshop, exactly. 532 00:23:09,980 --> 00:23:11,380 Britney Spears on it, make it more interesting. 533 00:23:12,980 --> 00:23:15,500 There were tweaks in order to conform with our expectations of its redness. 534 00:23:15,740 --> 00:23:19,420 Next, apropos of absolutely nothing at all, a topical one - 535 00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:23,420 what prevented Henry VIII from marrying Lord Pembroke? 536 00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:25,660 WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Jo. 537 00:23:25,820 --> 00:23:28,060 Lady Pembroke. 538 00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:30,380 LAUGHTER Very good. 539 00:23:30,620 --> 00:23:34,660 Yes. No. Yes. WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE 540 00:23:36,140 --> 00:23:39,700 Um... because gay marriages were illegal. 541 00:23:39,980 --> 00:23:42,500 Oh, you've done it. SIREN SOUNDS, ALARM BELLS RING 542 00:23:42,620 --> 00:23:44,740 Oh! 543 00:23:46,420 --> 00:23:49,100 No, the fact is he actually did marry Lord Pembroke, eventually. 544 00:23:49,340 --> 00:23:51,580 - He married Lord Pembroke? - Yes, he did. 545 00:23:51,820 --> 00:23:54,620 - Was "Lord Pembroke" a nickname for a lady? - A lady! 546 00:23:54,860 --> 00:23:56,140 Lord Pembroke was certainly a lady, 547 00:23:56,420 --> 00:23:58,420 - but, absolutely - it was Anne Boleyn, in fact. - Oh, right. 548 00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:00,420 He was married to Catherine of Aragon at the time, 549 00:24:00,620 --> 00:24:02,060 and was not head of the Church. 550 00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:05,020 She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king's chamber! 551 00:24:05,260 --> 00:24:07,540 No, she was just very miffed at not being able to marry. 552 00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:09,580 You sounded like you were in a school play then. 553 00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:14,300 He runs on - "She disguised herself as a man to get..." 554 00:24:14,500 --> 00:24:16,420 You're supposed to be an actor! 555 00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:18,580 Have you never seen Jonathan Creek? Um, no. 556 00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:21,820 No, nonsense. No. 557 00:24:22,100 --> 00:24:25,180 "She disguised herself as a man and sneaked into the king's chamber!" 558 00:24:25,340 --> 00:24:29,620 - LAUGHTER - "I must leave for France!" 559 00:24:31,580 --> 00:24:34,300 Yes. What happened was he was married to Catherine of Aragon. 560 00:24:34,580 --> 00:24:37,260 The Pope was head of the Church in England, and elsewhere in Europe. 561 00:24:37,460 --> 00:24:39,340 And Anne Boleyn was very annoyed, 562 00:24:39,580 --> 00:24:41,300 so, to shut her up, he offered her a title. 563 00:24:41,540 --> 00:24:43,100 And at first he offered her an ordinary title, 564 00:24:43,340 --> 00:24:44,980 and she said, "No, I want a proper title." 565 00:24:45,260 --> 00:24:46,660 So he gave her the marquisate of Pembroke. 566 00:24:46,900 --> 00:24:48,620 So she became the Marquis of Pembroke, 567 00:24:48,820 --> 00:24:50,260 which is a male title, of course. 568 00:24:50,540 --> 00:24:51,740 But then, eventually, he did overcome it, 569 00:24:51,980 --> 00:24:53,540 and declared that his marriage to Catherine of Aragon 570 00:24:53,780 --> 00:24:56,020 was null and void, and separated from Rome, and married Anne Boleyn, 571 00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:57,620 and then cut her head off, of course. 572 00:24:57,860 --> 00:25:00,020 Anyway, from marquesses to mammals. 573 00:25:00,260 --> 00:25:02,780 I'm one, you're one. Lord Pembroke, she was one, as well. 574 00:25:03,020 --> 00:25:05,020 We're all mammals. We come in a wide variety of colours - 575 00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:07,740 - white rhinos, black panthers, brown bears- - Whales. 576 00:25:07,940 --> 00:25:09,860 - Red kangaroos, blue whales- - The blue whale. 577 00:25:10,060 --> 00:25:11,580 Pink elephants - ha-ha. 578 00:25:11,780 --> 00:25:13,500 But no, there are... name a green mammal. 579 00:25:13,740 --> 00:25:16,700 - WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE - Frog.- - Frog. 580 00:25:18,260 --> 00:25:20,620 Now, name a green MAMMAL! 581 00:25:20,780 --> 00:25:23,500 SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR 582 00:25:25,380 --> 00:25:27,980 - WOMAN MOANS WITH PLEASURE - An ancient Greek cow. 583 00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:30,860 WOMAN SINGS "OH, YEAH" Yes, Jo. 584 00:25:31,100 --> 00:25:33,500 A budgie. 585 00:25:33,700 --> 00:25:35,140 Now name a green mam-mal. 586 00:25:35,380 --> 00:25:38,180 - I'm getting round to it. - Right. SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR 587 00:25:38,420 --> 00:25:40,020 OK - a rotten badger. 588 00:25:40,340 --> 00:25:42,540 LAUGHTER Very good. Excellent. 589 00:25:42,820 --> 00:25:44,900 - We've all seen them. - Yes, good one. 590 00:25:45,140 --> 00:25:46,660 - Green mammal...chameleon! - No, there are none. 591 00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:49,300 - Is that a mammal? - No.- - No, no.- - Chameleon's a lizard. 592 00:25:49,540 --> 00:25:52,820 - HARMONICA FLOURISH - A really, really jealous shrew. 593 00:25:53,060 --> 00:25:58,300 No, there are none. They're very common to birds, reptiles, fish, 594 00:25:58,460 --> 00:25:59,980 but there are no green mammals. 595 00:26:00,140 --> 00:26:01,460 There is a sloth that looks green, 596 00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:03,460 but it's actually the algae that grow in its fur. 597 00:26:03,620 --> 00:26:04,940 But that's the only one that migh- 598 00:26:05,180 --> 00:26:06,980 What, cos it's so slow-moving that moss grows over it? 599 00:26:07,180 --> 00:26:10,700 So much a sloth. Exactly. 600 00:26:10,900 --> 00:26:12,540 Lastly, we come full circle 601 00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:15,940 to the mad, mad world, Alan, of ancient Greece. 602 00:26:16,180 --> 00:26:17,860 - (SIGHS) - Woo-ee! 603 00:26:19,540 --> 00:26:25,460 Why wouldn't an ancient Greek baker mind 604 00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:28,020 if you told him where he could stick his baguette? 605 00:26:28,300 --> 00:26:29,860 SMOOTH ELECTRIC GUITAR Sean. 606 00:26:30,020 --> 00:26:32,220 Cos they were a bit like that. 607 00:26:32,420 --> 00:26:34,220 LAUGHTER 608 00:26:36,020 --> 00:26:39,140 You know what I mean. I think we all know - but I'm not gonna say it. 609 00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:42,340 Cos you can't these days. Ooh - very hot water. 610 00:26:44,140 --> 00:26:46,460 I almost thought it was Bertrand Russell talking then, for a minute. 611 00:26:47,540 --> 00:26:49,820 As a pleasuring device? 612 00:26:50,060 --> 00:26:52,780 - A bread dildo. - A dildo. A bread dildo is the right answer. 613 00:26:53,060 --> 00:26:55,420 They made their dildos out of bread in Greece. 614 00:26:55,660 --> 00:26:58,780 Oh. You know that most women would have gone for the eating option... 615 00:27:01,340 --> 00:27:03,940 Did someone write that down? Is that written down in ancient Greek? 616 00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:06,140 It was only discovered in 1987, actually. 617 00:27:06,300 --> 00:27:07,580 It's a very recent discovery. 618 00:27:07,780 --> 00:27:09,580 Who discovered it? 619 00:27:09,860 --> 00:27:11,620 Was a Greek baker frozen in a glacier with a...? 620 00:27:17,340 --> 00:27:19,060 BILL: No, he's going like that. 621 00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:21,740 When you look, he's going... 622 00:27:22,860 --> 00:27:26,020 ..who was handing the baton of ancient Greece to modern Greece. 623 00:27:26,180 --> 00:27:27,580 That's what he was doing. 624 00:27:27,860 --> 00:27:30,980 It's time for the final reckoning. I shall give scores. 625 00:27:31,220 --> 00:27:34,580 Now, just in last - fourth place - just, 626 00:27:34,780 --> 00:27:36,780 with minus 22, is Alan Davies. 627 00:27:36,980 --> 00:27:39,540 But a brilliant performance, and we thank you for it. 628 00:27:39,740 --> 00:27:42,460 In third place, with minus 20, is Jo Brand. 629 00:27:44,740 --> 00:27:47,780 In second place, with a huge plus 7, is Bill. 630 00:27:48,020 --> 00:27:50,900 But way out in front, with 17, is Sean Lock, ladies and gentlemen. 631 00:27:51,140 --> 00:27:53,300 - BILL: Oh, well. - APPLAUSE 632 00:27:59,940 --> 00:28:02,860 Well, my thanks go to Bill, Sean, Jo and Alan. 633 00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:04,860 I'm going to leave you with two quite interesting remarks 634 00:28:05,060 --> 00:28:06,340 on the subject of colour. 635 00:28:06,580 --> 00:28:09,020 The first is from Frank Borman, the Apollo 8 astronaut - 636 00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:10,900 "My experience helped me to see 637 00:28:11,140 --> 00:28:13,420 how isolated and fragile the Earth really is. 638 00:28:13,700 --> 00:28:14,860 It was also beautiful. 639 00:28:15,140 --> 00:28:17,540 It was the only object in the entire universe 640 00:28:17,860 --> 00:28:19,820 that was neither black nor white." 641 00:28:20,060 --> 00:28:22,660 And the second is from former US president, Gerald Ford - 642 00:28:22,940 --> 00:28:27,380 "Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair. He's just prematurely orange." 643 00:28:27,580 --> 00:28:29,380 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 644 00:28:58,460 --> 00:29:01,380 Closed Captions by CSI 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net