1 00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:08,060 THEME MUSIC 2 00:00:23,260 --> 00:00:25,140 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:34,140 Hello, hello, and welcome to QI - 4 00:00:34,420 --> 00:00:36,660 the show which gives thoughts wings, 5 00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:38,420 flies in the face of convention 6 00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:40,860 and goes "coo" in the chimney of knowledge. 7 00:00:41,140 --> 00:00:44,580 Roosting alongside me this evening are Rich Hall, 8 00:00:44,860 --> 00:00:46,980 Phil Kay, 9 00:00:47,140 --> 00:00:50,220 Jo Brand and Alan Davies. 10 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,820 APPLAUSE 11 00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,780 Now, before we sort the owls from the orioles, 12 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:58,500 let me introduce the QI Spot The Nostril competition. 13 00:00:58,860 --> 00:01:04,020 Your task tonight is to draw a picture of a kiwi, right? 14 00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:06,780 A bird so odd that some think it's a missing link 15 00:01:07,060 --> 00:01:08,300 between mammals and birds. 16 00:01:08,620 --> 00:01:10,980 Paying particular attention to the position of its nostrils. 17 00:01:11,260 --> 00:01:13,620 I will reward the best effort with a nest egg. 18 00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:16,140 You're staring at me with a kind of glassy look. 19 00:01:16,420 --> 00:01:18,460 - You do know what a kiwi is? - Yeah. 20 00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:21,620 I've seen one in New Zealand. They're nocturnal. 21 00:01:21,940 --> 00:01:25,180 You had to go in a little kiwi zoo thing 22 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:27,780 and they have them in virtually every town. 23 00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:29,300 There'll be someone's living room 24 00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:32,820 and you go in and there'll be a dark room and a little glass thing. 25 00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:34,500 Aw. 26 00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:39,180 - National bird. - It is the national bird. 27 00:01:39,460 --> 00:01:41,700 Never see it, can't fly. Rubbish. 28 00:01:41,980 --> 00:01:46,340 But your task, whether you choose to accept it or not, Jim, 29 00:01:46,660 --> 00:01:49,100 - is to draw one. - Alan.- Alan, sorry. 30 00:01:49,420 --> 00:01:54,020 - What's the national bird of England? - (TUTS) 31 00:01:54,340 --> 00:01:57,020 I'll tell you what it is for women - thrush. 32 00:01:58,340 --> 00:02:00,620 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 33 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:04,140 You know what it is for men? 34 00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:05,780 - Uh... - Cock. 35 00:02:08,980 --> 00:02:10,620 - Sorted. - (WHEEZES) 36 00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:12,860 - Cock and thrush. - Yes. 37 00:02:13,180 --> 00:02:16,340 - Good name for a pub, wouldn't it? - Good name for a pub. 38 00:02:17,820 --> 00:02:21,180 There are pubs called the Cock Inn, aren't there? 39 00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:24,660 It's one of the odd jokes in Carry On which is usually just saucy, 40 00:02:24,940 --> 00:02:27,060 where Charles Hawtrey is playing a detective 41 00:02:27,340 --> 00:02:30,140 and he's following Sid James in Carry On Loving, I think it is, 42 00:02:30,460 --> 00:02:33,900 and he's sort of saying, "Went for lunch, 43 00:02:34,140 --> 00:02:35,900 went to pub The Cock Inn... 44 00:02:36,220 --> 00:02:38,340 had drinks with two other women, left Cock Inn." 45 00:02:39,540 --> 00:02:42,660 And that implies you've got a left cock and a right cock. 46 00:02:44,740 --> 00:02:47,060 # Left cock in Your right cock out... # 47 00:02:47,260 --> 00:02:49,380 LAUGHTER 48 00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:51,540 So cock, thrush, kiwi. 49 00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:53,540 I've got to draw all three? 50 00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:56,540 - No, forget the cock and the thrush. - (GIGGLES) 51 00:02:56,860 --> 00:02:58,020 Draw me a kiwi, paying particular attention 52 00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:00,540 to the nostrils and where they are on the bird. 53 00:03:00,820 --> 00:03:03,020 Imagine if your nostrils were just above your anus. 54 00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:07,260 (CHUCKLES) It would be unpleasant. 55 00:03:07,540 --> 00:03:09,780 Good. Before we go any further, 56 00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:12,260 do you want to know how you sound? Jo, sing to me. 57 00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:15,060 PEACOCK CALLS 58 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:17,060 Rich. 59 00:03:17,260 --> 00:03:19,020 CROW CAWS 60 00:03:19,340 --> 00:03:22,020 - Phil. - (IMITATES COCKEREL) 61 00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:23,780 (CHUCKLES) No. 62 00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:25,860 COCKEREL CROWS 63 00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:28,140 That's extraordinary! 64 00:03:28,420 --> 00:03:30,540 APPLAUSE 65 00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:33,380 I promise you, Phil did not know that was his sound. 66 00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:34,860 Let's just check that again 67 00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:36,940 to make sure we weren't all having a hallucination. 68 00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:39,180 COCKEREL CROWS 69 00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:41,540 - Rise and shine, good morning. - It is extraordinary. 70 00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:43,260 And Alan goes. 71 00:03:43,540 --> 00:03:45,260 # Fruity, fruity fruit 72 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:48,380 # Fruity, fruity, fruity 73 00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:50,540 # Fruity! # 74 00:03:50,860 --> 00:03:52,860 There you are. Didn't guess that one, did you? 75 00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:55,180 No, I didn't! 76 00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:57,060 A little voice in my ear just told me 77 00:03:57,340 --> 00:04:00,660 the national bird of England is the European robin apparently. 78 00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:02,940 So let's head south for the winter. 79 00:04:03,220 --> 00:04:06,260 So, Alan, what's the difference between an ostrich and a lion? 80 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,060 LAUGHTER 81 00:04:08,380 --> 00:04:10,140 Why the stars? What's going on with the stars? 82 00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:11,620 Is that a clue? 83 00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,260 Kind of a clue. 84 00:04:13,540 --> 00:04:17,140 An ostrich is a flightless bird with a very long neck, 85 00:04:17,380 --> 00:04:18,980 runs about 40 miles an hour, 86 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:20,860 - lays big eggs... - Correct. 87 00:04:21,180 --> 00:04:22,940 And is edible. Quite a delicacy. 88 00:04:23,220 --> 00:04:25,420 - Farmed. - Yes. 89 00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:27,260 A lion - king of the jungle - big cat. 90 00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:29,540 Kill you with a single blow. 91 00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:31,740 There are many differences. 92 00:04:32,140 --> 00:04:35,660 Is there any particular difference you're thinking of, sir? 93 00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:38,700 One of the most famous African explorers 94 00:04:38,980 --> 00:04:40,740 - was the Scotsman... - David Livingstone. 95 00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:42,740 David Livingstone, thank you, Phil. 96 00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:46,500 And he wrote that "I can distinguish between them with certainty..." 97 00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:51,180 this is by sound "..only by knowing that the ostrich roars by day 98 00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:53,380 and the lion roars by night." 99 00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:56,820 He described the idea that lions have an impressive roar 100 00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:58,620 as mere majestic twaddle 101 00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:01,180 and said that they sounded identical to ostriches. 102 00:05:01,420 --> 00:05:03,460 So let's demonstrate that. Right. 103 00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:05,220 This is the sound of a lion. 104 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:08,340 - LION GROWLS - Gee. 105 00:05:08,620 --> 00:05:11,100 And this is the sound of an ostrich. 106 00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:12,980 OSTRICH TWITTERS 107 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,580 LAUGHTER 108 00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:16,820 COCKEREL CROWS 109 00:05:18,060 --> 00:05:20,700 - Yes, Phil. - David Livingstone was a hard-working Scot. 110 00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:22,340 He was working in the mines. 111 00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:24,420 His ears were damaged. He couldn't be blamed for this. 112 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,780 Don't you feel that actually Stanley was lucky 113 00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:28,500 when he said, "Doctor Livingstone, I presume?" 114 00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:31,860 he wasn't shot because he was mistaken for a leopard or something. 115 00:05:32,140 --> 00:05:34,380 If Siegfried and Roy had worked with ostriches instead of big cats, 116 00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:35,940 they'd probably still be working today. 117 00:05:36,180 --> 00:05:38,100 That's a very good thought. 118 00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:40,260 Although, Johnny Cash was attached by an ostrich. 119 00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:41,820 - Did you know that? - I didn't. 120 00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:44,100 - Yes, very ferociously, yeah. - Really? 121 00:05:44,380 --> 00:05:46,380 - Never quite recovered. - They can kick you. 122 00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:49,380 I saw one kick someone in the googlies on telly the other day. 123 00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:51,140 - Yes. - Did you see that?- I did. 124 00:05:51,420 --> 00:05:52,820 - It really caught him. - It did! 125 00:05:53,140 --> 00:05:54,780 (BOTH LAUGH) 126 00:05:55,060 --> 00:05:56,940 So we get points just for being interesting? 127 00:05:57,220 --> 00:05:58,580 - That's it. - Yeah. 128 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,140 You know, in some countries, linoleum is a form of currency. 129 00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:03,260 LAUGHTER 130 00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,940 Now, that's interesting. Is it true, however? 131 00:06:07,060 --> 00:06:08,940 You said it was interesting, right? 132 00:06:09,220 --> 00:06:11,060 LAUGHTER 133 00:06:11,380 --> 00:06:12,900 We have a question for you now, young Rich, 134 00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:16,020 explain how to French kiss a woodpecker. 135 00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:19,020 You would have to seduce it. 136 00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:23,820 Get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. 137 00:06:24,060 --> 00:06:26,820 (LAUGHS) Woodpecker. 138 00:06:27,060 --> 00:06:28,460 Say nice things to it. 139 00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,860 Oh, that's nice plumage. 140 00:06:31,980 --> 00:06:34,340 You give it a date rape drug. 141 00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:36,260 LAUGHTER 142 00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:38,100 - Should all else fail. - Yes! 143 00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:41,620 Does French kissing mean kissing with tongues or- 144 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,540 Aah-la-la-la-la. Yes. 145 00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:45,060 Sorry! 146 00:06:45,260 --> 00:06:48,300 Are you seeing anyone at the moment? 147 00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:49,780 I'm sorry. Yes, with tongues. 148 00:06:50,020 --> 00:06:51,860 I thought that was very attractive. 149 00:06:52,060 --> 00:06:54,740 Um, why would anyone want to? 150 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:57,500 They are very extraordinary things, woodpecker tongues. 151 00:06:57,820 --> 00:07:00,500 Let's have a look at a woodpecker tongue. You'd be astonished. There. 152 00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:02,780 - Oh! - One of the strangest things in nature. 153 00:07:03,020 --> 00:07:07,140 It's an amazing organ, extend to two-thirds of its body length. 154 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:10,500 It's covered with sticky saliva, vicious barbs 155 00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:13,260 and has an ear at the end of it. 156 00:07:14,380 --> 00:07:16,820 With which it can listen to its prey. 157 00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:19,460 So it uses the beak for pecking at bark... 158 00:07:19,780 --> 00:07:21,980 It has an ear at the end of its tongue? 159 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:24,660 - Well, a thing that detects sound. - Sorry, can you say that again? 160 00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:28,020 - Absolutely. - Pardon? 161 00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:31,780 How does it fit into its mouth, you may wonder, 162 00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:35,300 well, it has to wrap it round its brain and back of its eye sockets. 163 00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:38,580 Funnily enough, woodpeckers are very popular on Creationist websites 164 00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:42,500 because they argue this is such an extraordinary creature design, 165 00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:44,660 so fit for its purpose and so on, 166 00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:47,340 that only a designer could have made it. It couldn't have evolved. 167 00:07:47,620 --> 00:07:50,820 When it moves sometimes up to 15 or 16 times a second, 168 00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:53,700 it beats the wood to make a hole which is incredibly fast, 169 00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:55,620 and generates immense forces. 170 00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:58,580 250 times more forces an astronaut is subjected to. 171 00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:00,860 It's 1,000Gs. 172 00:08:01,140 --> 00:08:04,940 It has these extraordinary muscles and cartilages around its brain 173 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,740 to stop it from shattering. 174 00:08:07,060 --> 00:08:09,300 If the pecker's got wood, why go for tongue, you may argue! 175 00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:11,420 Sorry. 176 00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,020 But it is... 177 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,940 It is a pretty astonishing animal. 178 00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:16,820 (LAUGHS) 179 00:08:17,140 --> 00:08:19,620 Can we maybe have an off-shoot of this program 180 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,300 called Quite Unnecessary? 181 00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:23,100 LAUGHTER 182 00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:25,140 Can I be on that? 183 00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:27,740 Absolutely! (LAUGHS) 184 00:08:28,060 --> 00:08:30,660 I just can't quite see how different it would be. 185 00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,940 Anyway. So, Phil, time for you. 186 00:08:33,220 --> 00:08:34,860 Does your bird like chocolate? 187 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:37,580 - My bird? - Yeah, does she like chocolates? 188 00:08:37,820 --> 00:08:41,180 My bird likes chocolate, yes. It's very popular with... 189 00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,820 - Have you got a bird, then? - I don't know. 190 00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,420 - Say you had a parrot, they'd like chocolate. - Yes. 191 00:08:47,740 --> 00:08:50,300 - Would they? - Their beak's great for getting right to the toffee. 192 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:52,460 If you had a pelican, 193 00:08:52,780 --> 00:08:55,460 they don't like chocolate, they like toffee better. 194 00:08:55,740 --> 00:08:58,460 And if you had an owl, they quite like chocolate behind them 195 00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:01,700 cos then they can rotate, you know. Just to show off. 196 00:09:01,980 --> 00:09:05,580 If you gie a crow a Malteser, it's like, "No, way." 197 00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:07,580 So my bird, no. 198 00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:10,140 You can't give animals chocolate because it's got something in it 199 00:09:10,420 --> 00:09:12,820 - that makes them depressed. - Do you know that's right? 200 00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:15,180 You can't give chocolate to a dog because it's not right. 201 00:09:15,460 --> 00:09:17,580 That's why you have to buy special chocolate for the dogs. 202 00:09:17,860 --> 00:09:20,820 If you want to save money, give it to the kids, tell them it's old. 203 00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:23,180 You know, February chocolate. 204 00:09:23,460 --> 00:09:24,900 Christmas chocolate's gone white and dusty. 205 00:09:25,180 --> 00:09:27,900 - Oh, I've eaten dog chocolate. - Have you?- Yes, I have. 206 00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:29,820 It's like a phrase, "Oh, I've eaten dog chocolate." 207 00:09:31,180 --> 00:09:34,140 It's part of folklore. My bird don't like chocolate. 208 00:09:34,420 --> 00:09:37,140 No, a bird doesn't like chocolate, you're quite right. 209 00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:40,140 - How many points does he get for that? - He's correct. 210 00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:42,980 He'll get some points perhaps from our scorers if they're in the mood. 211 00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:47,020 Um, how good is their sense of taste, birds, do you imagine? 212 00:09:47,260 --> 00:09:48,500 Absolutely minimal. 213 00:09:48,780 --> 00:09:51,060 They've no need. "It's a seed, I don't care. Get it in." 214 00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:53,900 Yeah, they only have about 20 or 30 taste buds on their tongue. 215 00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:55,540 They'd never distinguish chocolate. 216 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:57,620 - I thought it was less than that, actually. - Did you? 217 00:09:57,940 --> 00:09:59,140 - Yeah! - (CHUCKLES) 218 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:02,260 - Thought it was 15 or 18. - (LAUGHS) 219 00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:03,900 And humans have how many, would you say? 220 00:10:04,180 --> 00:10:06,140 25,000. 221 00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:08,740 It's about nine or 10,000, something like that. 222 00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:10,220 Pretty close. 223 00:10:10,420 --> 00:10:11,980 But new ones grow every five days. 224 00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:15,300 - Five days? - They last about five days, taste buds. 225 00:10:15,580 --> 00:10:17,740 Of course, wouldn't be able to tell what chocolate is 226 00:10:17,980 --> 00:10:20,460 - but it would be toxic, it would kill them. - Kill them? 227 00:10:20,740 --> 00:10:23,940 Yeah, it's actually poisonous to us but lethal dose is quite high. 228 00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:26,820 If you had a whole tin of Quality Street, would that kill you? 229 00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:30,260 About 22 pounds is the lethal dose for a human. 230 00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:32,300 - That's nothing. - Nothing! 231 00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:34,660 (LAUGHS) 232 00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:37,020 APPLAUSE 233 00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:40,220 A little Smartie would kill a small songbird, for example. 234 00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:42,220 (LAUGHS) 235 00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:43,780 LAUGHTER 236 00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,700 You sick- 237 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:48,260 A friend of mine had a hamster and it wasn't very well, 238 00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:50,500 so her dad gave it a bit of brandy. 239 00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,100 - Lord. - Guess what happened next? 240 00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:56,980 Severe alcohol poisoning. 241 00:10:57,220 --> 00:10:59,020 Alcohol poisoning? 242 00:10:59,260 --> 00:11:01,220 - Oh, absolutely! - Oh, dear. 243 00:11:01,420 --> 00:11:02,900 "Is he better?" 244 00:11:03,180 --> 00:11:06,180 "Uh...go to bed. You'll see in the morning. 245 00:11:06,460 --> 00:11:07,940 Shops, get down to the shops!" 246 00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:10,460 When I was a teenager, 247 00:11:10,660 --> 00:11:13,460 someone I know gave their dog LSD. 248 00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:14,940 Oh, my God. 249 00:11:15,220 --> 00:11:17,340 It went to Glastonbury. 250 00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:20,780 - (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) 251 00:11:21,020 --> 00:11:22,940 I went into a friend's house 252 00:11:23,220 --> 00:11:25,620 and at the top of the landing, they had this football 253 00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:27,260 and in a merry mood, 254 00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:29,780 there was an open window and I kicked it through the window. 255 00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:31,260 Very pleased. Converted it. 256 00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:33,460 And I'd never heard of these things 257 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:36,180 that people who have hamsters have these little balls 258 00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,020 - where the hamster goes... - (ALL LAUGH) 259 00:11:38,340 --> 00:11:42,620 Right out the window and bounced and had gone all over the place. 260 00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:44,100 - I felt absolutely awful. - Did it die? 261 00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:46,300 No, it survived! Seemed perfectly cheerful. 262 00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:47,820 LAUGHTER 263 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:50,100 Woo! Woo! 264 00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:54,260 I bet it thought, "God, that new ball I got for Christmas 265 00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:55,860 is bloody brilliant!" 266 00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:59,540 It's a pity Bill Bailey's not here, actually. 267 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,700 They had a dog, Bill's girlfriend used to take it to work 268 00:12:02,980 --> 00:12:07,260 in an old people's home and it used to eat entire boxes of Daz 269 00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:11,180 and it would eat pants as well. 270 00:12:11,460 --> 00:12:13,820 - And sort of clean them. - A washing machine inside! 271 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:17,220 - And poo out some white pants. - The pants would come out of its bum. 272 00:12:17,580 --> 00:12:20,100 - All pearly white. - Well, ish, you know. 273 00:12:20,380 --> 00:12:23,220 You wouldn't pop them straight on, put it that way. 274 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,180 (LAUGHS) Probably. That's probably true. 275 00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:28,260 We had a cat that could open the fridge. 276 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:29,900 It would lie on its back 277 00:12:30,220 --> 00:12:32,060 with its paws under the fridge and yank it open. 278 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:34,500 - Really? - Oh, yeah! Then he was in. 279 00:12:34,780 --> 00:12:36,540 And he got the turkey out the fridge 280 00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:39,300 and had it halfway to the cat flap before we found him. 281 00:12:39,540 --> 00:12:41,340 That's like Tom and Jerry, isn't it? 282 00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:44,340 He was eating it really fast, while we were running towards him. 283 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,460 (LAUGHS) 284 00:12:49,780 --> 00:12:52,260 Went to grab him and he just jumped straight out the cat flap. 285 00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:54,060 Hissing. HSS! 286 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,700 So, now. 287 00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:59,460 What weighs six pounds, covers 18 square feet 288 00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:02,220 and has to be changed once a month? 289 00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,260 Someone's gotta do it. 290 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,060 One of my sanitary towels. 291 00:13:06,340 --> 00:13:08,420 Ey! GROANING 292 00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:10,980 - Sorry. Look, I just- - Jo Brand! 293 00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:15,500 Did you think everyone else was about to leap in and say that? 294 00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:16,980 Yeah! 295 00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:19,340 - I thought Alan might. - Oh. 296 00:13:19,660 --> 00:13:21,380 Is that one of your sanitary towels? That there? 297 00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:24,060 - Do you have it like wallpaper? - Yes, I have embroidered ones. 298 00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:28,620 I get them especially made by a lady in waiting of the Queen. 299 00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:32,820 Um...outdoors or indoors? A flag. 300 00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:35,580 Something belonging to each and every one of us. 301 00:13:35,860 --> 00:13:38,300 - Skin. - Very good! 302 00:13:38,620 --> 00:13:41,940 Skin is the answer. The largest organ in the body. 303 00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:44,340 Maybe in your body. 304 00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:47,460 I've got a huge cock. 305 00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:49,220 I think we'll forfeit you for that. 306 00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:51,780 ALARM BUZZER 307 00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:53,820 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 308 00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:55,460 That's how predictable that was. 309 00:13:57,580 --> 00:14:00,140 You almost fell exactly into our trap. 310 00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:03,980 That counts as putting one foot into it, I reckon, so minus five to you. 311 00:14:04,220 --> 00:14:06,500 Yes, the skin. Extraordinary chap, the skin. 312 00:14:06,820 --> 00:14:10,220 In a single square inch of skin, there are 20 feet of blood vessels. 313 00:14:10,540 --> 00:14:12,380 Just a single square inch of skin. Isn't that amazing? 314 00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:16,580 1,300 nerve cells and 100 sweat glands. 315 00:14:16,860 --> 00:14:19,260 And cells of the human body are constantly being replaced. 316 00:14:19,540 --> 00:14:22,820 We lose about 50,000 cells a... 317 00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:25,220 - Second. - Yes. 318 00:14:25,540 --> 00:14:28,220 People get through around 900 skins in a lifetime. 319 00:14:28,540 --> 00:14:31,220 - (LAUGHS) - Now, here's a question. 320 00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:35,180 Does putting perfumed sachets in your drawers 321 00:14:35,380 --> 00:14:37,580 help conception? 322 00:14:37,860 --> 00:14:39,900 - It will help conception, yes. - How so? 323 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,780 It'll give a meadow-like feel to the bedroom 324 00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:43,700 and everyone will be relaxed and ha-ha-ha ooh! 325 00:14:44,020 --> 00:14:46,140 It will. It will certainly in that sense. 326 00:14:46,540 --> 00:14:48,060 But there's an even more direct sense. 327 00:14:48,340 --> 00:14:50,540 - Which is rather astonishing. - Lavender? 328 00:14:50,860 --> 00:14:52,620 - Is it to do with lavender? - It's not actually lavender. 329 00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:54,540 It's a very particular flower, the Lily-of-the-Valley. 330 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:56,460 It helps your sperm count. 331 00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,940 Uh, it's even weirder than that. 332 00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:01,100 Ah, sperm can smell. 333 00:15:01,420 --> 00:15:05,900 Sperm can smell whether you've got clean underwear on or not 334 00:15:06,220 --> 00:15:08,180 and if you have, it will come out to play. 335 00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:12,220 Well, they can certainly smell the smell of Lily of the Valley. 336 00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:16,140 Can they? Someone's sitting in a lab somewhere, 337 00:15:16,420 --> 00:15:18,780 with sperm, going, "Now, here's something!" 338 00:15:22,540 --> 00:15:26,060 There'll be people alive because of that research in a few years' time. 339 00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,700 You have a great faith in science. 340 00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:30,580 The thing is, right, is that 341 00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:33,660 the only people that wear, that smell of Lily of the Valley 342 00:15:33,860 --> 00:15:35,460 are, like, old ladies, aren't they? 343 00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:37,980 Yes, it's a yardly fragrance, isn't it? 344 00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:40,900 It is yardly. So if you're an old lady, wheh-hey! 345 00:15:42,380 --> 00:15:44,500 I'm quite looking forward to it now. 346 00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:49,180 You'd have sperm chasing you down the bookies and... Fantastic. 347 00:15:49,540 --> 00:15:51,780 It has long been a mystery as to how sperm 348 00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:54,660 can all go in the same direction so fast do the same thing, 349 00:15:54,980 --> 00:15:57,340 and whether or not the ovum puts out a scent trail. 350 00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:59,500 The closest we've got to discovering - 351 00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:01,740 I say "we", or German scientists at Ruhr University - 352 00:16:02,060 --> 00:16:04,740 have got to replicating it, is this particular scent, 353 00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:07,100 called "bourgeonal", which is one that's used... 354 00:16:07,340 --> 00:16:08,980 Have they tried other smells? 355 00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:10,500 They've tried thousands of others. 356 00:16:10,820 --> 00:16:14,140 And this one makes them absolutely align and race towards them. 357 00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:16,180 Uh, there're going to be using it in fertility clinics. 358 00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,260 Now, here's a thing, you have to work out what I'm talking about here. 359 00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:20,740 Two brothers, all right? 360 00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:23,100 They have a variety stage act. 361 00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:27,300 One brother punches a member of the audience on stage, 362 00:16:27,580 --> 00:16:30,660 and the other brother is arrested. Why would that be? 363 00:16:30,980 --> 00:16:32,500 - Two brothers? - Yeah. 364 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,500 Are doing a variety act. 365 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,220 Ah! They're Siamese twins! 366 00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:39,220 You're absolutely right. Give the man full, maximum points. 367 00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:40,860 APPLAUSE 368 00:16:41,180 --> 00:16:44,020 Chang and Eng Bunker was the name they eventually gave themselves, 369 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:47,460 and they are why conjoined twins are called Siamese twins 370 00:16:47,780 --> 00:16:50,860 because they came form Siam and got on a boat to America, 371 00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:53,260 where they made some money as a sort of entertainment act. 372 00:16:53,540 --> 00:16:55,260 I mean, they lived till the age of 63. 373 00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:58,140 They each married one of a pair of sisters, 374 00:16:58,420 --> 00:17:01,500 and had 21 children between them. 375 00:17:01,780 --> 00:17:03,820 I know, it's hard to imagine! 376 00:17:04,180 --> 00:17:06,900 It does... The mind instantly tries to conjure a scene of how it works. 377 00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:08,620 - How many cocks did they have? - All right. 378 00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:12,100 - They were just joined at the tummy, they had one each. - (LAUGHS) 379 00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:15,260 They were not joined at the cock, which would be most unfortunate. 380 00:17:16,940 --> 00:17:18,700 They got on incredibly well. 381 00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:20,820 Although they did, actually, on that boat journey from Siam, 382 00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:22,300 they had a fight about... 383 00:17:22,580 --> 00:17:24,220 One wanted a cold bath and the other didn't, 384 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,940 - and the crew and the captain had to, sort of... - Separate them? 385 00:17:27,140 --> 00:17:28,980 LAUGHTER 386 00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:31,780 (LAUGHS) Had to placate them. 387 00:17:32,140 --> 00:17:34,180 Throw a bucket of cold water over them, I suppose. 388 00:17:34,460 --> 00:17:35,740 One on the left looks really serious. 389 00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:37,660 He was the straight man. 390 00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:39,260 LAUGHTER 391 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:42,460 Well, actually, one of them took to drink and the other didn't. 392 00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:44,460 But their systems were pretty independent. 393 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:45,940 Imagine that. Your twin pissed up. 394 00:17:46,220 --> 00:17:48,100 "Come on, I'm getting you home." "I love you!" 395 00:17:51,340 --> 00:17:54,900 Chang, perhaps, not unnaturally as a drinker, died first, 396 00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:58,100 and Eng woke up one morning to discover that his brother had died 397 00:17:58,340 --> 00:18:00,700 and gave a great howl of despair. 398 00:18:00,940 --> 00:18:03,220 And they ran to fetch a doctor 399 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:06,060 to try and separate him from his dead twin, 400 00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:09,020 and they came back, and he'd coiled himself around his twin, 401 00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:12,220 and died within an hour of this. 402 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:15,180 And the post-mortem revealed that it was really just, in its day, 403 00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,260 it would be called kind of a broken heart, 404 00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:19,860 but it was a sort of nervous shock. No reason to die. 405 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,660 A lot of comedy teams have broken up, and they've done very well solo. 406 00:18:23,860 --> 00:18:26,740 Yes, thank you for that tender remark! 407 00:18:27,020 --> 00:18:28,740 LAUGHTER 408 00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:32,460 Feeling much better about deformity now we've talked it through. 409 00:18:32,660 --> 00:18:34,660 Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. 410 00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:37,260 They had a genuine dignity about them. There we are. 411 00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,060 What happened was, of course, 412 00:18:39,340 --> 00:18:41,380 that Chang, who was the brother who landed the punch, 413 00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:43,300 the one who, of course, later became an alcoholic, 414 00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,460 was guilty of common assault, 415 00:18:45,740 --> 00:18:48,220 but the judge decided it would amount to false imprisonment 416 00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:50,860 to jail the other one, so he set them both free. 417 00:18:51,140 --> 00:18:53,740 Some advantage there in being conjoined twins. 418 00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:55,620 License to whack people. 419 00:18:55,940 --> 00:18:58,380 So onto our own version of this barbaric ritual that we call QI, 420 00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:00,820 and that's the General Ignorance round. 421 00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:02,580 Fingers on buzzers for this, please. 422 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:05,340 What is the loudest thing in the ocean? 423 00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:07,140 The blue whale! 424 00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:09,100 The blue whale? Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 425 00:19:09,380 --> 00:19:12,700 No, no. It's not the blue whale. It's nothing like as loud... 426 00:19:12,940 --> 00:19:14,940 You can hear it for 10,000 miles! 427 00:19:15,180 --> 00:19:16,780 Another whale can hear it 428 00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:20,220 but it's not actually, in amplitude, the loudest thing, in fact. 429 00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,180 COCKEREL CROWS 430 00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,540 - Yes? - Must it not be the sea itself? 431 00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:26,020 Aah... No. 432 00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:28,620 - Oh. - LAUGHTER 433 00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:31,380 - Crabs clapping. - Go smaller. 434 00:19:31,580 --> 00:19:32,980 Crayfish! 435 00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:35,980 Is it some sort of vibrating thing? 436 00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:39,300 You're doing exactly... What Alan is doing is exactly right. 437 00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,100 I'm doing it exactly right. 438 00:19:41,420 --> 00:19:45,820 Imagine a trillion things with snapping claws doing this. 439 00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:48,300 - Crayfish. - Lobsters. 440 00:19:48,580 --> 00:19:50,940 - Smaller. - ALAN AND JO: Shrimps. 441 00:19:51,260 --> 00:19:52,860 - They're the loudest thing in the ocean? - Yeah. 442 00:19:53,060 --> 00:19:54,700 Well, it's quiet down there. 443 00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:56,420 That's right. It's called the shrimp layer. 444 00:19:56,700 --> 00:20:00,100 And there are trillions of them and they do this at the same time. 445 00:20:00,380 --> 00:20:02,980 It's not actually the claws banging together makes the noise 446 00:20:03,260 --> 00:20:06,580 it's the bubble of air popping that is created by this very fast... 447 00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:09,540 it comes out at 30 feet per second, this thing. 448 00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,500 Then it pops. And it can keep people awake. 449 00:20:11,820 --> 00:20:13,180 If they come inland, quite near the coast, 450 00:20:13,460 --> 00:20:14,820 it can keep whole communities awake at night. 451 00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:17,460 Trillions of them, though, I mean, really vast. 452 00:20:17,780 --> 00:20:20,020 They can white out a submarine's sonar 453 00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,660 and deafen the operators, through their headphones. 454 00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:25,620 Subs below the layer can hear absolutely nothing above it 455 00:20:25,940 --> 00:20:27,460 and subs above it can hear nothing below it. 456 00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:30,100 - And they're floating in the water? The shrimps? - Yeah! 457 00:20:30,380 --> 00:20:32,220 You can only hear by raising a mast through them. 458 00:20:32,460 --> 00:20:33,700 So now, next question. 459 00:20:33,980 --> 00:20:36,580 What's more likely, being killed by lightning or by an asteroid? 460 00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:38,980 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 461 00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:41,140 # Fruity, fruity, fruity! # 462 00:20:42,260 --> 00:20:43,660 Lightning. 463 00:20:43,940 --> 00:20:45,460 Oh, dear. 464 00:20:46,820 --> 00:20:50,340 No-one's ever been killed by an asteroid. That's rubbish. 465 00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:51,780 Prove it. 466 00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:53,820 LAUGHTER 467 00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:57,100 No, oddly enough, it's rather unfair but because you answered it, 468 00:20:57,420 --> 00:21:00,820 in the UK, you are more likely to be struck by an asteroid. 469 00:21:01,180 --> 00:21:04,740 but in America, it's more likely to be struck by lightning. 470 00:21:05,020 --> 00:21:07,780 Research into NEOs, Near Earth Objects, as they are called, 471 00:21:08,060 --> 00:21:10,780 estimates that a large one strikes us once every million years. 472 00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:13,420 The resulting death toll is likely to be in excess of a billion. 473 00:21:13,700 --> 00:21:15,060 - So the chances of you dying- - Oh, please. 474 00:21:15,260 --> 00:21:16,500 That's never happened. 475 00:21:16,820 --> 00:21:19,900 - -are one in six million in any year. - It has never happened! 476 00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:22,380 - But it's going to happen pretty soon. - No, it won't! 477 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:25,660 Well, more than two kilometres wide is all the asteroid needs to be, 478 00:21:25,940 --> 00:21:29,340 and we've seen craters which show there have been ones much wider. 479 00:21:29,660 --> 00:21:31,620 - It's due any moment. - Where would you like it to land? 480 00:21:31,820 --> 00:21:33,900 I'd like it to land in... 481 00:21:34,220 --> 00:21:36,100 Wherever it lands, it's like hundreds and hundreds of atom bombs, 482 00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:37,620 it's going to destroy everybody. 483 00:21:37,940 --> 00:21:39,460 - Yorkshire. - Yorkshire! 484 00:21:39,740 --> 00:21:42,580 - LAUGHTER - They wouldn't mind. 485 00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:45,900 - They'd just be delighted it didn't land in Lancashire. - (LAUGHS) 486 00:21:46,220 --> 00:21:49,140 (YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Aye, it come to Yorkshire. 487 00:21:49,420 --> 00:21:52,380 Most people are struck by lightning on golf courses, right? 488 00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:55,060 I believe that's true, yes. 489 00:21:55,340 --> 00:21:57,540 My aunt got struck by lightning on a golf course. 490 00:21:57,860 --> 00:22:00,780 You have an ant? Oh, your aunt. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. 491 00:22:01,060 --> 00:22:02,940 Yeah. 492 00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:05,140 I do apologise. 493 00:22:05,420 --> 00:22:07,020 (CHUCKLES) I was... 494 00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:10,420 That too. She had a pet ant. 495 00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:14,020 - My aunt... - (LAUGHS) 496 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:16,860 She got struck between the first and second holes. 497 00:22:18,020 --> 00:22:19,740 Oh, very good! 498 00:22:19,940 --> 00:22:21,540 Something in her stance. 499 00:22:21,860 --> 00:22:24,700 (LAUGHS) LAUGHTER 500 00:22:24,980 --> 00:22:26,460 Now, where do camels come from? 501 00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:28,900 That's my next question. COCKEREL CROWS 502 00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:30,580 - Phil. - Over there. 503 00:22:30,820 --> 00:22:32,620 LAUGHTER 504 00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:36,060 Usually out of the shimmering, miragey horizon. 505 00:22:36,340 --> 00:22:39,220 True. True. You may be pointing in the right direction, actually. 506 00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:41,620 I can't quite tell whether to give you the points or not. 507 00:22:41,900 --> 00:22:43,900 - Where do they originate from? - Oh, Africa. 508 00:22:44,180 --> 00:22:46,140 - Africa? - Yeah. 509 00:22:46,420 --> 00:22:48,660 - No. No. - Europe. 510 00:22:48,980 --> 00:22:50,700 - Europe, did you say? - Yes. 511 00:22:51,020 --> 00:22:54,660 Not Europe, no. But that wasn't a forfeit one for some reason. 512 00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:56,700 - Asia? - Asia, did you say? 513 00:22:57,020 --> 00:23:00,180 You're desperate for those points, aren't you? Yeah? 514 00:23:00,380 --> 00:23:01,660 Is it Australia? 515 00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:03,780 No, it's not Australia, even. 516 00:23:03,980 --> 00:23:06,340 - America. - Yay! Well done! 517 00:23:06,620 --> 00:23:07,980 - You got some points back. - Really? 518 00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:10,060 Yup. They did. They did. 519 00:23:10,340 --> 00:23:12,180 The cigarettes, maybe. 520 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,620 Like horses and dogs. LAUGHTER 521 00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:16,860 No, the fact is, like horses and dogs, 522 00:23:17,180 --> 00:23:21,060 camels grew up in the grasslands of America 20 million years ago. 523 00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:22,660 Rubbish. 524 00:23:22,940 --> 00:23:24,220 Fair enough, fair enough. 525 00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:27,580 But the land masses would've been a-join-ed. 526 00:23:27,860 --> 00:23:30,060 Well, Bering Strait was land then, exactly. 527 00:23:30,300 --> 00:23:33,420 In those days, they were more like giraffes, or gazelles, in fact. 528 00:23:33,660 --> 00:23:37,180 The camel is the only other mammal apart from humans that smokes. 529 00:23:37,460 --> 00:23:40,180 - It'll actually smoke a cigarette and enjoy it. - Oh! 530 00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:41,700 - They give them... - What about beagles? 531 00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:45,060 The camel handlers give them a puff and they... Beagles hate it. 532 00:23:46,140 --> 00:23:49,300 - And they inhale and exhale smoke. - Really? 533 00:23:49,580 --> 00:23:51,180 I totally made that up. It's rubbish. 534 00:23:53,340 --> 00:23:55,860 But it was quite a good one and it got you going. 535 00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,460 It did get me going. 536 00:23:57,740 --> 00:24:01,140 Well, they became extinct in North America during the last ice age, 537 00:24:01,460 --> 00:24:04,780 and unlike horses and dogs, haven't made it back there, except in zoos. 538 00:24:05,060 --> 00:24:07,980 So, next question. Why are flamingos pink? 539 00:24:09,260 --> 00:24:11,100 - It's what they eat. - Which is? 540 00:24:11,420 --> 00:24:13,980 - Shrimps. - Oh, God. 541 00:24:14,180 --> 00:24:16,860 LAUGHTER 542 00:24:17,180 --> 00:24:19,140 You really didn't know that, did you? 543 00:24:19,420 --> 00:24:21,940 - You really were shocked by that one. - What's the chances of that? 544 00:24:22,220 --> 00:24:24,180 - They do eat it. - They do. It's food. 545 00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:26,180 But it's so not shrimps. 546 00:24:26,460 --> 00:24:27,860 It's actually, oddly enough, blue-green algae. 547 00:24:28,180 --> 00:24:30,180 They stand on one leg, because if they stood on... 548 00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:33,020 If they lifted the other one, they'd fall down. 549 00:24:33,340 --> 00:24:35,620 And their legs would rot, so they have to change them. 550 00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:37,940 - Otherwise their leg would rot. - Oh, is that right? 551 00:24:38,260 --> 00:24:40,420 No, I made that up as well, but I'm doing quite well. 552 00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:43,540 Twice I've made you go, "Is that right?" like that. 553 00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:46,620 Despite the name, blue-green algae, 554 00:24:46,940 --> 00:24:48,420 as well as containing green chlorophyll, 555 00:24:48,620 --> 00:24:50,420 is rich in blue and red pigments. 556 00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:55,060 So its blooms are often red, violet, brown, yellow, even orange. 557 00:24:55,300 --> 00:24:56,820 So from one silly bill to another. 558 00:24:57,140 --> 00:25:00,660 Artists, we need to see your kiwis and judge accordingly. 559 00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:02,620 So go ahead and start at this end. 560 00:25:02,900 --> 00:25:06,100 Yeah. What I have is a sequential drawing of the nostril itself. 561 00:25:06,380 --> 00:25:08,900 There in situ, and here, shedding, sneezing. 562 00:25:09,180 --> 00:25:12,420 So as a flip of early movie footage, it's achew! 563 00:25:14,540 --> 00:25:18,100 I've drawn assembly instructions for a kiwi. 564 00:25:19,220 --> 00:25:21,540 Like you find at Ikea. 565 00:25:21,860 --> 00:25:25,140 And, uh, this is where you screw on the beak, in C. 566 00:25:25,340 --> 00:25:27,580 With a Phillips head screw. 567 00:25:27,820 --> 00:25:29,740 And that's the completed project. 568 00:25:29,940 --> 00:25:31,980 Right. OK, good. Jo. 569 00:25:32,260 --> 00:25:34,380 I just sort of did colouring in. 570 00:25:34,580 --> 00:25:37,100 Oh, that's so beautiful, though. 571 00:25:38,180 --> 00:25:40,580 Have you got the nostrils at the end of this crest? 572 00:25:40,820 --> 00:25:42,060 I have. 573 00:25:42,380 --> 00:25:44,740 We did discover, in an earlier round, that birds have no taste. 574 00:25:45,060 --> 00:25:47,380 - Em... - This bird? 575 00:25:47,660 --> 00:25:49,740 LAUGHTER No! 576 00:25:50,020 --> 00:25:52,500 It's very charming. APPLAUSE 577 00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:55,860 Excellent, so Alan, let's have a look at yours. 578 00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:58,020 - Oh, yes. - I've done him. 579 00:25:58,220 --> 00:26:01,060 Now, that's him with his shades on. 580 00:26:01,460 --> 00:26:03,460 - Yep. - Even though it's night. 581 00:26:03,860 --> 00:26:06,180 - Well, it wouldn't matter. - No. 582 00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:09,420 And his nostrils are on the end of his beak for sniffing. 583 00:26:09,620 --> 00:26:10,900 Well, that's extraordinary. 584 00:26:11,180 --> 00:26:13,300 Whether through some random act or whether through brilliance, 585 00:26:13,540 --> 00:26:15,580 you've got that absolutely spot-on. 586 00:26:15,860 --> 00:26:17,700 That is where the nostrils are. 587 00:26:18,020 --> 00:26:19,740 APPLAUSE How about that? 588 00:26:21,260 --> 00:26:23,220 (LAUGHS) 589 00:26:25,220 --> 00:26:28,620 Officially, you measure a bird's bill 590 00:26:28,820 --> 00:26:30,940 from the tip to the nostril. 591 00:26:31,220 --> 00:26:33,780 - Why would you want to do that? - Well, they're measuring. 592 00:26:34,100 --> 00:26:37,780 So officially, the kiwi has the shortest bill of all birds. 593 00:26:38,900 --> 00:26:40,980 Anyway, it frequently gets clogged up, 594 00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:43,260 its little nostrils, but they're very good sneezers. 595 00:26:43,460 --> 00:26:46,260 Yeah. So, let's count our chickens. 596 00:26:46,460 --> 00:26:47,740 And the final scores are. 597 00:26:48,020 --> 00:26:52,140 In first place, with a proud three points, it's Rich! 598 00:26:52,420 --> 00:26:54,100 APPLAUSE 599 00:26:54,340 --> 00:26:56,020 And in second place... 600 00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:59,340 In second place with one point, it's Phil! 601 00:26:59,540 --> 00:27:01,780 APPLAUSE 602 00:27:02,060 --> 00:27:05,220 In third place, with minus eight, it's Jo. 603 00:27:05,420 --> 00:27:07,260 APPLAUSE 604 00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:08,980 What did I get minus for? 605 00:27:09,260 --> 00:27:11,940 But a proud and flourishing last, with minus 40, it's Alan. 606 00:27:12,260 --> 00:27:14,860 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 607 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:23,260 Let me leave you with one very extraordinary bird tale. 608 00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:25,780 Tibbles, the lighthouse keeper's cat, 609 00:27:26,060 --> 00:27:29,140 arrived on tiny Stephens Island in New Zealand 610 00:27:29,420 --> 00:27:30,820 at the beginning of the last century 611 00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:34,020 and soon, piles of small bird corpses 612 00:27:34,260 --> 00:27:36,220 began piling up by the back door. 613 00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:39,700 And the puzzled lighthouse-keeper sent off some samples 614 00:27:39,940 --> 00:27:41,260 and was delighted to learn 615 00:27:41,620 --> 00:27:43,660 that Tibbles had discovered a new species, 616 00:27:43,940 --> 00:27:47,940 the only flightless perching bird in the world ever recorded. 617 00:27:48,180 --> 00:27:49,740 But it was unfortunately too late. 618 00:27:49,940 --> 00:27:51,340 By the time that news arrived, 619 00:27:51,620 --> 00:27:54,580 Tibbles had tracked down and killed every last example 620 00:27:54,860 --> 00:27:57,220 of what is now known as the Stephens Island wren. 621 00:27:57,620 --> 00:27:59,620 It's the only case of a single individual 622 00:27:59,900 --> 00:28:02,780 wiping out every member of a whole species. 623 00:28:03,860 --> 00:28:07,500 On that note, from Jo, Rich, Phil, Alan, and myself - good night. 624 00:28:07,700 --> 00:28:09,460 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 625 00:28:10,580 --> 00:28:13,500 Closed Captions by CSI 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net